FIC: Database Unavailable (JE, AU, various characters/pairings)
I feel like I have built everyone's expectations up about this fic so much because I have been complaining non-stop about it in messenger: I'm really sorry. :/ If you are one of these unfortunate souls, feel free to ask for a scene you want to see in this universe and I will either drabble it or tell you what happened. There are three half-written sequels to this which are happier, shippier, more balanced and probably a lot more hopeful. In my head, I will get the first sequel out pretty soon, but the truth is that my track record for finishing things is so terrible that it might take a while and by 'a while', I mean, it took me almost two months to write this. This note is going to be longer than my actual fic header.
I complain all the time that I hate it when people say IDEK in a fic summary or preface their fic with lengthy author notes about how much they dislike it or don't understand what's going on, but for once it's really true. I wrote this and I don't even know what it is. JE, my portal into the world of badfic.
Title: Database Unavailable (20 Things That Would Be True if JE Were In Fandom, No, Really, Like Totally)
Author: unrequitedangst
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment, AU
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I'm not affiliated with Johnny's Entertainment in any way and none of this is remotely true.
Summary: Every time Kame clicks on F_W, he half-expects to see Jin's name plastered all over everything. (Jin/Kame, Ryo/Uchi, 3,833 words)
Notes: If you can read this, I'm not mocking you. Or maybe I am.
01.
In the past year, LiveJournal has had to shut down five anon hate memes, two of which were started by Ryo, one by Subaru, and one by Ohkura. Actually, Ryo started all of them. Everyone in Kanjani8 except Uchi is his sockpuppet.
The other hate meme was started by Koyama, even though it was a total accident. "LET'S DO AN ANON MEME," Koyama wrote, "WHERE WE TELL EACH OTHER WHAT WE REALLY, TRULY THINK, GOOD OR BAD." Koyama thought it would be a refreshing way to end all the hatred and bring fandom together with some love and maybe a little gay. As it turns out, nobody wants to know what everyone else in fandom really, truly thinks about them.
___
02.
Koyama has created three love memes in the past year to help people get over the bitterness of that anon meme. By people, he really means himself. On some level, Koyama really is convinced that he's created an irreparable rift in fandom even though consciously, he knows this is the most ridiculous idea ever.
Ryo just thinks hate memes are funny.
___
03.
Most people become BNFs because they're good writers. Some people become BNFs because they're good artists or because they write good meta or just because their friends are all BNFs and such is the nature of fandom. Junno became a BNF because--honestly, he's not sure. One day, he was writing a episode commentary post for Shige and Maru; the next day the flood of "friend me plz???" comments began.
"Sure!!! :D!!!" Junno types every time, but it's a little unnerving. It's cool people want to read what he has to say and all, but Junno associates BNF with names like Kamenashi and Yamapi and Ryo, people who actually write and create and do things. He doesn't get why all these strangers want to be his friend when the only thing he ever talks about is video games and how totally AWESOME Phoenix Wright is. Not that Phoenix Wright and Animal Crossing and Zelda aren't totally AWESOME because they ARE!!!--but it's weird, writing about school and tap dancing and gaming with all these strangers who lurk and lurk and never say anything. Every anon meme brings a fresh round of "that Taguchi guy is so lame, everything he says is like totally passe" and Junno doesn't know what they want. He doesn't know who these people are and the only thing he wants is just to have fun with his Lord of the Rings O RLY manips. Updating LJ makes Junno feel watched, like fandom is hanging on his every :D!!!, but he has no idea what they want him to do or say.
___
04.
For April Fools, Jin and Pi switched LJ accounts and went posting and commenting all over LJ as each other.
Nobody noticed.
___
05.
Arashi are old school, even though Jun is the only one who cares. Every couple of months, he sets off yet another flamewar on fanficrants because the fic that youngsters like Jin and Pi come up with isn't anything close to what people used to write in his day, never mind the fact that Jun's only, like, a year older than they are.
The rest of Arashi is pretty laid back, but nobody ever remembers this because they're so caught up in the tide of Jun and Jun's wank. Ohno's not really that into fandom anymore, but he sticks around for Nino, who writes a lot of Zelda and Final Fantasy stuff and is one of the only people who understands and enjoys all of Junno's gaming posts. Back in the day, Sho used to write a lot of mathpr0n, but then he ended up getting a job with LiveJournal so he doesn't have much time for fandom outside of the occasional copyright law interpretation or helping Ohno rein Jun in.
Aiba makes a lot of lolcat macros.
___
06.
Takkey and Tsubasa are older school still, but nobody makes fun of them, not even Ryo or Jun. Highlander and Buffy and X-Files and FF.N are hilarious; Star Trek and ficzines are history.
___
07.
The first time Jin emailed Kame, it was in all caps, alternated between neon pink and neon green Comic Sans MS, and had a lot of exclamation marks. The subject line was !!!!!!! and when it arrived in Kame's inbox, Kame just stared at it for several seconds, wondering if it was a joke. He didn't want to seem rude, though, so he emailed Jin back promptly anyway.
"Thank you for your email," Kame wrote, "I'm very honored you enjoyed my story."
Jin's reply had even more caps lock, several animated turtle GIFs and a email signature that ended up saying DA AKANISHI--after Kame copied and pasted it and changed the font from Wingdings to Arial, anyway. After that, Kame thought the whole thing had to be some kind of elaborate prank but he kept replying anyway because it seemed too rude to leave Jin's emails unanswered in his inbox.
Years later, long after they've become friends both online and off, Kame mentions it to Jin. "I thought it was a joke, you know," he says, laughing a little, "when you sent me that review. The one back in Harry Potter, I mean, with the GIFs."
"What?" Jin asks, totally confused. "Really? Why?"
___
08.
Ryo is an asshole. This isn't a secret, and everyone in fandom knows it, even the ones who aren't quite sure what F_W is. Nishikido Ryo is an asshole, but Nishikido Ryo is a damn fine asshole who writes good meta and better fic and absolutely scathing reviews and he can get away with it because he is Nishikido Ryo, the Nishikido Ryo and not only is he a better writer than the rest of you plebes, he's also way sexier and he has the camwhore posts to prove it.
The thing that nobody has figured out yet is that Uchi is just as obnoxious and even bitchier than Ryo. The only real difference between them is that Uchi is a lot better at friends-locking and filtering his posts.
___
09.
Actually, between Ryo and Uchi, Ryo is the one who's the real sap. Uchi might be the one who cries openly over Cardcaptor Sakura, plays Kingdom Hearts II for hours on end, and gets mistaken as a girl both online and off--and Ryo might be the one who makes F_W almost weekly for calling someone or other an idiot who wouldn't know what good writing is if it came up and hit them in the face, but, well.
Uchi's most famous fic to date is called Shinkansen. It's one of the only things he's written that isn't fluff and it's a 100,000+ word epic about going on journeys and then finding out what you wanted was in front of you all along. That's what Uchi says, anyway. Kame says it's about man's inherent desire to reach outside themselves and the fact that every man has one and only one great love, Pi said it was pretty gay but good!!! and Jin just said, FIRST!.
They beta everything for each other because that's what best friends do, but Shinkansen was supposed to be Ryo's birthday present even though Uchi finished it three months late. It was also supposed to be a surprise, so Uchi got Kame to beta. Kame and Uchi aren't really friends, but they're on each others' flists and Kame's a nice guy and a good writer. It also helps that Kame isn't stupid like Yamapi and Jin and doesn't start laughing every time someone says 'come' even when the scene in question has nothing to do with sex at all.
Ryo doesn't comment or say anything when the fic first goes up with a 'Happy birthday, Ryo-chan! I hope you like it! ♥ ♥ ♥', but Uchi doesn't think a lot about it because it's like 2 AM and anyway, Ryo has classes from 9 to 1 the next day, so he's probably in bed already.
The next morning, Uchi crawls blearily out of bed to see a ton of LJ comments in his Gmail inbox and six emails from Ryo, subject line, "WHAT THE FUCK, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN NOVEMBER."
The first email says, "don't even think this makes up for missing my birthday, okay?" and is time-stamped 2:07 AM.
The second is sent at 2:09 AM and just says, "reading now".
The third, fourth, and fifth are all sent in between 2 and 6 AM and are all variations on, "fuck, fuck, it's fucking 3 am and i'm reading this. what is this? are you physically incapable of posting fic at a normal time of day? what the hell? do you think i have no life? i'm a very important man, okay, i have to get up for class in three hours. what the shit is this."
"WHAT THE FUCK, UCHI," the last email says, "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GIRL. THAT WAS SO RIDICULOUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. WHY IS IT SO DEPRESSING. I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WASTED SIX HOURS OF MY LIFE READING THIS CRAP AND NOW I'M DEPRESSED. WHAT KIND OF BIRTHDAY PRESENT IS THIS. SERIOUSLY WHAT. IT'S FUCKING 9 AM AND I'M LATE FOR CLASS AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DID YOU WRITE THIS. IT WAS OKAY, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. YOU BETTER WRITE A SEQUEL NOW. T_______T"
___
10.
Shige's username used to be Wagahai, but nobody could remember it so he spent the $15 USD for a rename token and then spent seven months angsting over what his new LJ name should be. It turns out it doesn't matter. Everyone just calls him 'that guy who used to be Wagahai'.
Shige's still better off than Nakamaru, who has a friends list of 738 and a friend-of list of 15.
___
11.
Ueda's last fic was titled :.:.: and posted in light grey 6 pt font on a white background. His fic seriously makes no sense at all, but nobody wants to admit it, so he gets rave reviews about how deep it is while a third of fandom rolls their eyes. The remaining two thirds honestly do believe it's intellectual and profound--how can it not be? They don't understand it, after all.
Even Ueda doesn't understand half of what he writes. It's okay. Artistes don't need to understand their arte, they just need to produce it.
___
12.
Every time Kame clicks on F_W, he half-expects to see Jin's name plastered all over everything. It makes something nervous flutter to life in Kame's stomach, tense and edged, though he doesn't know why. He doesn't know how Uchi stands the storm of controversy that seems to constantly surround Ryo. The worst part is that Jin never seems to get why it's a bad idea to do things like encourage that Kawai kid to MST the newest chapter of Matsujun's latest epic, he just goes ahead and does it--usually with Yamapi's help--and the next day it's all over LJ, accompanied by calls from Koyama for fandom peace and meta from Shige about Creative Commons licenses.
In May, one of Kame's cousins has a baby and Kame travels out to Osaka to visit her. He has the money for a hotel room, but Ryo offers and Kame accepts and so Kame ends up crashing on Ryo's bedroom floor instead. It's the same weekend Matsujun calls Jin fugly and baseline retarded and Jin accuses Matsujun of not knowing how to write anything except LAME GHEINESS, AMIRITE?? Kame watches it unfold on Ryo's laptop in a state of blankface horror. He has the feeling he ought to do something, but he doesn't know what.
"Don't be such a girl," Ryo says later that evening, "nobody cares about you, okay?"
They're sprawled across Ryo's bedroom floor, watching bad Hong Kong bootlegs of American television shows. Uchi and Ryo are sprawled across Ryo's bedroom floor, at any rate. Kame sits awkwardly with his back against the wall.
"I'm not," Kame protests and then doesn't know how to finish the sentence. He feels like a terrible guest for not watching the show along with Ryo and Uchi, but he can't help his constant F_W page refreshes as he looks back and forth from the television to the computer screen and back again. "I'm not," he repeats after a pause that feels horrifyingly long, "I mean, I'm not being a girl, I just want to know what's going on. "
"Jin's being retarded," Uchi says promptly without looking up from his manga, "and Matsujun is, like, thirteen."
"Bakanishi's a reta--" Ryo begins simultaneously before pausing to blink at Uchi and the smile he gives Uchi is one of the sappiest things Kame has ever seen right before Ryo twists round again to stare at Kame. "See, Kame-chan? Even Uchi agrees with me. It's Jin."
"I know," Kame says, because he does.
"So why's it bother you?" Ryo retorts. "If you're going to freak out, do it about something important like your face," and Kame thinks--Ryo's right, it is just Jin, there are far more important things he could be worried about like school or getting a job or his future or even the ficathon that's due in four months.
It's pretty silly, Kame thinks, to get this upset about something like this when Jin is just an internet friend. It's the silliest thing in the world, even; it really is just Jin.
"I know," Kame tells Ryo, but this time when Kame says it, he means something different although he's not sure what or why.
___
13.
Uchi and Ryo have never dated, even though everyone thinks they have. Did. Are. Were. Whatever. The truth, really, is that it isn't that it wouldn't work out between them, it's that it would, and maybe too well. They don't date anyway. Ryo's not sure why. Sometimes he thinks it's because they've known each other too long, sometimes he thinks it's because Uchi is weird and totally obsessed with his mom and writes Sailor Moon fic and what. the. fuck. Sometimes it really bothers Ryo that they aren't more than just best friends who have each other's LJ and email passwords and talk non-stop on AIM and GTalk and Y!M and hang out IRL almost every single weekend. Ryo knew Pi before he knew Uchi and that idiot Bakanishi is the first fannish person Ryo ever met offline, but it's hard for Ryo to imagine a time when Uchi wasn't around, being retarded and girly and polluting Ryo's comment-threads with his stupid neon pink icons.
Ryo doesn't think about it that much, though. Mostly it's easier to log in as Subaru and stare blankly at Subaru's flist, to IM Uchi in horror. "WHAT THE FUCK," he types furiously while Uchi cracks up, "DID YOU SEE THE SHIT UEDA JUST POSTED? SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. IS HIS BRAIN LOWERCASE 6 PT FONT?"
___
14.
This is the thing, though: there are a lot of things Ryo doesn't think about. Mostly it's pretty simple. Uchi comes over on Friday nights after they're both done with classes and work for the day. Usually it's Ryo's family's apartment because Ryo's parents are pretty good about staying away from his room and because Uchi is so pathetic when his mom is around that it's disgusting.
They always start out watching the shows Ryo likes, American series about angry men with guns and girls in tiny bikinis but somehow by the end of the night they inevitably end up watching Uchi's retarded anime. Ryo doesn't like anime much and he really hates all the pink girly crap it inevitably involves but Uchi seems to find Ryo's running commentary on just why each show is so completely and profoundly dumb completely hilarious, so Ryo puts up with it anyway.
They usually fall asleep close to sunrise and when Ryo wakes up, it's late enough that the sun is slanting hot through the windows. The television screen is blank, Ryo has things to do that day, Uchi is drooling on his shoulder and it's totally disgusting and kind of damp, but Ryo goes back to sleep anyway.
He'll make Uchi buy him a new shirt when they finally get up, he reasons, it's not like Uchi doesn't owe him for being amazing enough to sit through all those shitty Sailor Moon marathons.
___
15.
Kame doesn't like writing smut. He knows how to write it, he's good at writing it, people have even recced him for his smutfic, but he still finds it really awkward. It's pretty weird, writing about cocks and holes and things that spurt. He feels guilty for being so obscene, but on the other hand, it seems to be what fandom wants. Every time he posts a fic, he wonders if he's ripping the heart out of the source canon and replacing it with a heart of ... well, dildo. Usually he ends up panickedly messaging Jin after half an hour of staring at the post button. "Is it too obscene?" he asks, "I don't know, it seems kind of ... dirty ... :|"
"lol dick," Jin types back, "its cool. post it, ok?" and then Kame does.
___
16.
This doesn't change the fact that Kame finds it really horrifying whenever someone comments to his fic with an 'I'll be in my bunk'. How is he supposed to reply--thank you, I'm glad you feel that way? He'd ask Jin, but the truth is that Jin almost never replies to fic reviews and asking Yamapi is just awkward. Kame and Yamapi have always been polite to each other, but they had this minor disagreement when they were both writing Gundam Wing fic and it's been weird since then. Kame doesn't want to bring it up with Yamapi, though; it seems rude, and he doesn't want to make the situation worse than it already is.
___
17.
Pi doesn't even remember the whole Gundam Wing thing with Kame at all, because it was like four years ago back when they were both still writing het.
___
18.
Honestly, Pi doesn't dislike Kame. He just thinks Kame should loosen up a bit, because who cares about the morality of midget clown BDSM? The internet is for porn. Sometimes he and Jin will leave bizarre, totally out-there prompts on kink memes just to see if anyone will respond. It's not even a turn-on, it's just funny to see people writing about Pikachu spanking cosplay even if Kame doesn't agree and starts complaining about how they shouldn't be making fun of other people's sexual preferences and desires.
The way Kame flips his shit when Kusano leaves a comment saying Kame's fic is superhot and smexy is seriously one of the funniest things Pi has ever seen, so the obvious thing to do is talk Jin into helping him out.
A week later, Kame is so traumatized by Tegoshi's MOAR SMEX PLZ!!!! comments that he deletes his LJ in fear of corrupting Japan's youth and Jin and Ryo have to talk him into undeletion.
("its nothing they dont already know," Jin says, "its not like its pwp!!!!! it has plot!!!!!!! and even if it didnt which it does its good!!!!!!!"
'please,' Ryo snaps, "trust me, nobody is going to think the crap you turn out is real, so just undelete already and stop being such a girl")
___
19.
Kame is a better writer than Jin.
This isn't true in the catty and very subjective way that people in fandom usually say it--Kame really is a better writer. He understands plotting, he understands characterization, he understands story structure and thematic elements and how and when to use them all, and Kame's always known this, the same way that he's always known that people will always like Jin's writing more. There's just something to Jin's writing that people are drawn to, even when it's unspellchecked and OOC and plothole-ridden, the same way there's just something about Jin that people are drawn to.
It stings a little sometimes, the way that no matter how hard Kame tries, everyone still thinks he's an uptight ass. He feels like there's something missing from his writing, some kind of human connection, but he doesn't know what. Maybe there's something missing from him. Sometimes Jin invites Kame into group chat with Pi and Ryo, and Kame just sits and watch the words flash back and forth on the screen, all the quick LOLs and WTFs and :Ds. He never knows what to say and everything he thinks of is a half-beat too slow or tl;dr.
Sometimes Kame thinks he ought to resent Jin for how easily it all falls into place, but he's never quite been able to manage it. Kame doesn't know why that is either, only that some people in fandom change and some people change more than others, but Jin is just as annoying and immature and ridiculous as the day he first emailed Kame and even still, Kame doesn't know how to look away from Jin, doesn't even know how to start trying.
___
20.
Jin knows Kame is a better writer too, although he'll never admit it because even if Kame is Jin's best friend, Kame is also dorky and uptight and the kind of person who gets upset about the difference between commas and semi-colons and who wants to be second to a nerd like that? Anyway, it doesn't really bother Jin that Kame is better, because he's never wanted it as much as Kame does. Fandom's pretty funny, so's fic, but in the end it's all just pretty gay and kind of retarded.
What does bother Jin is the rest of it: the way that Kame always talks a little too much about books he read for a class or agonizes over the meta of literary allusions and what the meaning of it all is. Kame takes fandom more seriously than Jin does, just like everything else, and Jin's never really known what to do with that. In Jin's head, they're both going to be uni students forever and there is no real world, just blinking IM windows and the quiet ping of Jin's laptop speakers. It's pretty dumb, but it's okay, Jin reasons, so is he. A lot of ficwriters talk about what they want to do outside of fandom, their original novels or the editorial they got published in the local newspaper, but the truth is that most of them aren't anything more than mediocre. Pi's awesome, so are Shirota and Ryo and even that Koyama guy, but Kame, well. Kame.
Kame has the ambition to get to the top and out, the raw talent to stay there and Jin's always known on some level that fandom isn't going to be forever.
I complain all the time that I hate it when people say IDEK in a fic summary or preface their fic with lengthy author notes about how much they dislike it or don't understand what's going on, but for once it's really true. I wrote this and I don't even know what it is. JE, my portal into the world of badfic.
Title: Database Unavailable (20 Things That Would Be True if JE Were In Fandom, No, Really, Like Totally)
Author: unrequitedangst
Fandom: Johnny's Entertainment, AU
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I'm not affiliated with Johnny's Entertainment in any way and none of this is remotely true.
Summary: Every time Kame clicks on F_W, he half-expects to see Jin's name plastered all over everything. (Jin/Kame, Ryo/Uchi, 3,833 words)
Notes: If you can read this, I'm not mocking you. Or maybe I am.
01.
In the past year, LiveJournal has had to shut down five anon hate memes, two of which were started by Ryo, one by Subaru, and one by Ohkura. Actually, Ryo started all of them. Everyone in Kanjani8 except Uchi is his sockpuppet.
The other hate meme was started by Koyama, even though it was a total accident. "LET'S DO AN ANON MEME," Koyama wrote, "WHERE WE TELL EACH OTHER WHAT WE REALLY, TRULY THINK, GOOD OR BAD." Koyama thought it would be a refreshing way to end all the hatred and bring fandom together with some love and maybe a little gay. As it turns out, nobody wants to know what everyone else in fandom really, truly thinks about them.
___
02.
Koyama has created three love memes in the past year to help people get over the bitterness of that anon meme. By people, he really means himself. On some level, Koyama really is convinced that he's created an irreparable rift in fandom even though consciously, he knows this is the most ridiculous idea ever.
Ryo just thinks hate memes are funny.
___
03.
Most people become BNFs because they're good writers. Some people become BNFs because they're good artists or because they write good meta or just because their friends are all BNFs and such is the nature of fandom. Junno became a BNF because--honestly, he's not sure. One day, he was writing a episode commentary post for Shige and Maru; the next day the flood of "friend me plz???" comments began.
"Sure!!! :D!!!" Junno types every time, but it's a little unnerving. It's cool people want to read what he has to say and all, but Junno associates BNF with names like Kamenashi and Yamapi and Ryo, people who actually write and create and do things. He doesn't get why all these strangers want to be his friend when the only thing he ever talks about is video games and how totally AWESOME Phoenix Wright is. Not that Phoenix Wright and Animal Crossing and Zelda aren't totally AWESOME because they ARE!!!--but it's weird, writing about school and tap dancing and gaming with all these strangers who lurk and lurk and never say anything. Every anon meme brings a fresh round of "that Taguchi guy is so lame, everything he says is like totally passe" and Junno doesn't know what they want. He doesn't know who these people are and the only thing he wants is just to have fun with his Lord of the Rings O RLY manips. Updating LJ makes Junno feel watched, like fandom is hanging on his every :D!!!, but he has no idea what they want him to do or say.
___
04.
For April Fools, Jin and Pi switched LJ accounts and went posting and commenting all over LJ as each other.
Nobody noticed.
___
05.
Arashi are old school, even though Jun is the only one who cares. Every couple of months, he sets off yet another flamewar on fanficrants because the fic that youngsters like Jin and Pi come up with isn't anything close to what people used to write in his day, never mind the fact that Jun's only, like, a year older than they are.
The rest of Arashi is pretty laid back, but nobody ever remembers this because they're so caught up in the tide of Jun and Jun's wank. Ohno's not really that into fandom anymore, but he sticks around for Nino, who writes a lot of Zelda and Final Fantasy stuff and is one of the only people who understands and enjoys all of Junno's gaming posts. Back in the day, Sho used to write a lot of mathpr0n, but then he ended up getting a job with LiveJournal so he doesn't have much time for fandom outside of the occasional copyright law interpretation or helping Ohno rein Jun in.
Aiba makes a lot of lolcat macros.
___
06.
Takkey and Tsubasa are older school still, but nobody makes fun of them, not even Ryo or Jun. Highlander and Buffy and X-Files and FF.N are hilarious; Star Trek and ficzines are history.
___
07.
The first time Jin emailed Kame, it was in all caps, alternated between neon pink and neon green Comic Sans MS, and had a lot of exclamation marks. The subject line was !!!!!!! and when it arrived in Kame's inbox, Kame just stared at it for several seconds, wondering if it was a joke. He didn't want to seem rude, though, so he emailed Jin back promptly anyway.
"Thank you for your email," Kame wrote, "I'm very honored you enjoyed my story."
Jin's reply had even more caps lock, several animated turtle GIFs and a email signature that ended up saying DA AKANISHI--after Kame copied and pasted it and changed the font from Wingdings to Arial, anyway. After that, Kame thought the whole thing had to be some kind of elaborate prank but he kept replying anyway because it seemed too rude to leave Jin's emails unanswered in his inbox.
Years later, long after they've become friends both online and off, Kame mentions it to Jin. "I thought it was a joke, you know," he says, laughing a little, "when you sent me that review. The one back in Harry Potter, I mean, with the GIFs."
"What?" Jin asks, totally confused. "Really? Why?"
___
08.
Ryo is an asshole. This isn't a secret, and everyone in fandom knows it, even the ones who aren't quite sure what F_W is. Nishikido Ryo is an asshole, but Nishikido Ryo is a damn fine asshole who writes good meta and better fic and absolutely scathing reviews and he can get away with it because he is Nishikido Ryo, the Nishikido Ryo and not only is he a better writer than the rest of you plebes, he's also way sexier and he has the camwhore posts to prove it.
The thing that nobody has figured out yet is that Uchi is just as obnoxious and even bitchier than Ryo. The only real difference between them is that Uchi is a lot better at friends-locking and filtering his posts.
___
09.
Actually, between Ryo and Uchi, Ryo is the one who's the real sap. Uchi might be the one who cries openly over Cardcaptor Sakura, plays Kingdom Hearts II for hours on end, and gets mistaken as a girl both online and off--and Ryo might be the one who makes F_W almost weekly for calling someone or other an idiot who wouldn't know what good writing is if it came up and hit them in the face, but, well.
Uchi's most famous fic to date is called Shinkansen. It's one of the only things he's written that isn't fluff and it's a 100,000+ word epic about going on journeys and then finding out what you wanted was in front of you all along. That's what Uchi says, anyway. Kame says it's about man's inherent desire to reach outside themselves and the fact that every man has one and only one great love, Pi said it was pretty gay but good!!! and Jin just said, FIRST!.
They beta everything for each other because that's what best friends do, but Shinkansen was supposed to be Ryo's birthday present even though Uchi finished it three months late. It was also supposed to be a surprise, so Uchi got Kame to beta. Kame and Uchi aren't really friends, but they're on each others' flists and Kame's a nice guy and a good writer. It also helps that Kame isn't stupid like Yamapi and Jin and doesn't start laughing every time someone says 'come' even when the scene in question has nothing to do with sex at all.
Ryo doesn't comment or say anything when the fic first goes up with a 'Happy birthday, Ryo-chan! I hope you like it! ♥ ♥ ♥', but Uchi doesn't think a lot about it because it's like 2 AM and anyway, Ryo has classes from 9 to 1 the next day, so he's probably in bed already.
The next morning, Uchi crawls blearily out of bed to see a ton of LJ comments in his Gmail inbox and six emails from Ryo, subject line, "WHAT THE FUCK, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN NOVEMBER."
The first email says, "don't even think this makes up for missing my birthday, okay?" and is time-stamped 2:07 AM.
The second is sent at 2:09 AM and just says, "reading now".
The third, fourth, and fifth are all sent in between 2 and 6 AM and are all variations on, "fuck, fuck, it's fucking 3 am and i'm reading this. what is this? are you physically incapable of posting fic at a normal time of day? what the hell? do you think i have no life? i'm a very important man, okay, i have to get up for class in three hours. what the shit is this."
"WHAT THE FUCK, UCHI," the last email says, "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GIRL. THAT WAS SO RIDICULOUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. WHY IS IT SO DEPRESSING. I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WASTED SIX HOURS OF MY LIFE READING THIS CRAP AND NOW I'M DEPRESSED. WHAT KIND OF BIRTHDAY PRESENT IS THIS. SERIOUSLY WHAT. IT'S FUCKING 9 AM AND I'M LATE FOR CLASS AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DID YOU WRITE THIS. IT WAS OKAY, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. YOU BETTER WRITE A SEQUEL NOW. T_______T"
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10.
Shige's username used to be Wagahai, but nobody could remember it so he spent the $15 USD for a rename token and then spent seven months angsting over what his new LJ name should be. It turns out it doesn't matter. Everyone just calls him 'that guy who used to be Wagahai'.
Shige's still better off than Nakamaru, who has a friends list of 738 and a friend-of list of 15.
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11.
Ueda's last fic was titled :.:.: and posted in light grey 6 pt font on a white background. His fic seriously makes no sense at all, but nobody wants to admit it, so he gets rave reviews about how deep it is while a third of fandom rolls their eyes. The remaining two thirds honestly do believe it's intellectual and profound--how can it not be? They don't understand it, after all.
Even Ueda doesn't understand half of what he writes. It's okay. Artistes don't need to understand their arte, they just need to produce it.
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12.
Every time Kame clicks on F_W, he half-expects to see Jin's name plastered all over everything. It makes something nervous flutter to life in Kame's stomach, tense and edged, though he doesn't know why. He doesn't know how Uchi stands the storm of controversy that seems to constantly surround Ryo. The worst part is that Jin never seems to get why it's a bad idea to do things like encourage that Kawai kid to MST the newest chapter of Matsujun's latest epic, he just goes ahead and does it--usually with Yamapi's help--and the next day it's all over LJ, accompanied by calls from Koyama for fandom peace and meta from Shige about Creative Commons licenses.
In May, one of Kame's cousins has a baby and Kame travels out to Osaka to visit her. He has the money for a hotel room, but Ryo offers and Kame accepts and so Kame ends up crashing on Ryo's bedroom floor instead. It's the same weekend Matsujun calls Jin fugly and baseline retarded and Jin accuses Matsujun of not knowing how to write anything except LAME GHEINESS, AMIRITE?? Kame watches it unfold on Ryo's laptop in a state of blankface horror. He has the feeling he ought to do something, but he doesn't know what.
"Don't be such a girl," Ryo says later that evening, "nobody cares about you, okay?"
They're sprawled across Ryo's bedroom floor, watching bad Hong Kong bootlegs of American television shows. Uchi and Ryo are sprawled across Ryo's bedroom floor, at any rate. Kame sits awkwardly with his back against the wall.
"I'm not," Kame protests and then doesn't know how to finish the sentence. He feels like a terrible guest for not watching the show along with Ryo and Uchi, but he can't help his constant F_W page refreshes as he looks back and forth from the television to the computer screen and back again. "I'm not," he repeats after a pause that feels horrifyingly long, "I mean, I'm not being a girl, I just want to know what's going on. "
"Jin's being retarded," Uchi says promptly without looking up from his manga, "and Matsujun is, like, thirteen."
"Bakanishi's a reta--" Ryo begins simultaneously before pausing to blink at Uchi and the smile he gives Uchi is one of the sappiest things Kame has ever seen right before Ryo twists round again to stare at Kame. "See, Kame-chan? Even Uchi agrees with me. It's Jin."
"I know," Kame says, because he does.
"So why's it bother you?" Ryo retorts. "If you're going to freak out, do it about something important like your face," and Kame thinks--Ryo's right, it is just Jin, there are far more important things he could be worried about like school or getting a job or his future or even the ficathon that's due in four months.
It's pretty silly, Kame thinks, to get this upset about something like this when Jin is just an internet friend. It's the silliest thing in the world, even; it really is just Jin.
"I know," Kame tells Ryo, but this time when Kame says it, he means something different although he's not sure what or why.
___
13.
Uchi and Ryo have never dated, even though everyone thinks they have. Did. Are. Were. Whatever. The truth, really, is that it isn't that it wouldn't work out between them, it's that it would, and maybe too well. They don't date anyway. Ryo's not sure why. Sometimes he thinks it's because they've known each other too long, sometimes he thinks it's because Uchi is weird and totally obsessed with his mom and writes Sailor Moon fic and what. the. fuck. Sometimes it really bothers Ryo that they aren't more than just best friends who have each other's LJ and email passwords and talk non-stop on AIM and GTalk and Y!M and hang out IRL almost every single weekend. Ryo knew Pi before he knew Uchi and that idiot Bakanishi is the first fannish person Ryo ever met offline, but it's hard for Ryo to imagine a time when Uchi wasn't around, being retarded and girly and polluting Ryo's comment-threads with his stupid neon pink icons.
Ryo doesn't think about it that much, though. Mostly it's easier to log in as Subaru and stare blankly at Subaru's flist, to IM Uchi in horror. "WHAT THE FUCK," he types furiously while Uchi cracks up, "DID YOU SEE THE SHIT UEDA JUST POSTED? SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. IS HIS BRAIN LOWERCASE 6 PT FONT?"
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14.
This is the thing, though: there are a lot of things Ryo doesn't think about. Mostly it's pretty simple. Uchi comes over on Friday nights after they're both done with classes and work for the day. Usually it's Ryo's family's apartment because Ryo's parents are pretty good about staying away from his room and because Uchi is so pathetic when his mom is around that it's disgusting.
They always start out watching the shows Ryo likes, American series about angry men with guns and girls in tiny bikinis but somehow by the end of the night they inevitably end up watching Uchi's retarded anime. Ryo doesn't like anime much and he really hates all the pink girly crap it inevitably involves but Uchi seems to find Ryo's running commentary on just why each show is so completely and profoundly dumb completely hilarious, so Ryo puts up with it anyway.
They usually fall asleep close to sunrise and when Ryo wakes up, it's late enough that the sun is slanting hot through the windows. The television screen is blank, Ryo has things to do that day, Uchi is drooling on his shoulder and it's totally disgusting and kind of damp, but Ryo goes back to sleep anyway.
He'll make Uchi buy him a new shirt when they finally get up, he reasons, it's not like Uchi doesn't owe him for being amazing enough to sit through all those shitty Sailor Moon marathons.
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15.
Kame doesn't like writing smut. He knows how to write it, he's good at writing it, people have even recced him for his smutfic, but he still finds it really awkward. It's pretty weird, writing about cocks and holes and things that spurt. He feels guilty for being so obscene, but on the other hand, it seems to be what fandom wants. Every time he posts a fic, he wonders if he's ripping the heart out of the source canon and replacing it with a heart of ... well, dildo. Usually he ends up panickedly messaging Jin after half an hour of staring at the post button. "Is it too obscene?" he asks, "I don't know, it seems kind of ... dirty ... :|"
"lol dick," Jin types back, "its cool. post it, ok?" and then Kame does.
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16.
This doesn't change the fact that Kame finds it really horrifying whenever someone comments to his fic with an 'I'll be in my bunk'. How is he supposed to reply--thank you, I'm glad you feel that way? He'd ask Jin, but the truth is that Jin almost never replies to fic reviews and asking Yamapi is just awkward. Kame and Yamapi have always been polite to each other, but they had this minor disagreement when they were both writing Gundam Wing fic and it's been weird since then. Kame doesn't want to bring it up with Yamapi, though; it seems rude, and he doesn't want to make the situation worse than it already is.
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17.
Pi doesn't even remember the whole Gundam Wing thing with Kame at all, because it was like four years ago back when they were both still writing het.
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18.
Honestly, Pi doesn't dislike Kame. He just thinks Kame should loosen up a bit, because who cares about the morality of midget clown BDSM? The internet is for porn. Sometimes he and Jin will leave bizarre, totally out-there prompts on kink memes just to see if anyone will respond. It's not even a turn-on, it's just funny to see people writing about Pikachu spanking cosplay even if Kame doesn't agree and starts complaining about how they shouldn't be making fun of other people's sexual preferences and desires.
The way Kame flips his shit when Kusano leaves a comment saying Kame's fic is superhot and smexy is seriously one of the funniest things Pi has ever seen, so the obvious thing to do is talk Jin into helping him out.
A week later, Kame is so traumatized by Tegoshi's MOAR SMEX PLZ!!!! comments that he deletes his LJ in fear of corrupting Japan's youth and Jin and Ryo have to talk him into undeletion.
("its nothing they dont already know," Jin says, "its not like its pwp!!!!! it has plot!!!!!!! and even if it didnt which it does its good!!!!!!!"
'please,' Ryo snaps, "trust me, nobody is going to think the crap you turn out is real, so just undelete already and stop being such a girl")
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19.
Kame is a better writer than Jin.
This isn't true in the catty and very subjective way that people in fandom usually say it--Kame really is a better writer. He understands plotting, he understands characterization, he understands story structure and thematic elements and how and when to use them all, and Kame's always known this, the same way that he's always known that people will always like Jin's writing more. There's just something to Jin's writing that people are drawn to, even when it's unspellchecked and OOC and plothole-ridden, the same way there's just something about Jin that people are drawn to.
It stings a little sometimes, the way that no matter how hard Kame tries, everyone still thinks he's an uptight ass. He feels like there's something missing from his writing, some kind of human connection, but he doesn't know what. Maybe there's something missing from him. Sometimes Jin invites Kame into group chat with Pi and Ryo, and Kame just sits and watch the words flash back and forth on the screen, all the quick LOLs and WTFs and :Ds. He never knows what to say and everything he thinks of is a half-beat too slow or tl;dr.
Sometimes Kame thinks he ought to resent Jin for how easily it all falls into place, but he's never quite been able to manage it. Kame doesn't know why that is either, only that some people in fandom change and some people change more than others, but Jin is just as annoying and immature and ridiculous as the day he first emailed Kame and even still, Kame doesn't know how to look away from Jin, doesn't even know how to start trying.
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20.
Jin knows Kame is a better writer too, although he'll never admit it because even if Kame is Jin's best friend, Kame is also dorky and uptight and the kind of person who gets upset about the difference between commas and semi-colons and who wants to be second to a nerd like that? Anyway, it doesn't really bother Jin that Kame is better, because he's never wanted it as much as Kame does. Fandom's pretty funny, so's fic, but in the end it's all just pretty gay and kind of retarded.
What does bother Jin is the rest of it: the way that Kame always talks a little too much about books he read for a class or agonizes over the meta of literary allusions and what the meaning of it all is. Kame takes fandom more seriously than Jin does, just like everything else, and Jin's never really known what to do with that. In Jin's head, they're both going to be uni students forever and there is no real world, just blinking IM windows and the quiet ping of Jin's laptop speakers. It's pretty dumb, but it's okay, Jin reasons, so is he. A lot of ficwriters talk about what they want to do outside of fandom, their original novels or the editorial they got published in the local newspaper, but the truth is that most of them aren't anything more than mediocre. Pi's awesome, so are Shirota and Ryo and even that Koyama guy, but Kame, well. Kame.
Kame has the ambition to get to the top and out, the raw talent to stay there and Jin's always known on some level that fandom isn't going to be forever.