Every "sensible" decision has its "wild" counterpart, but I've been spending time thinking how we decide which is which lately. Is it because we weigh the pros and cons carefully? Do we follow our hearts? Or are we tugged in the direction of what is more socially acceptable; what the people that surround us want for us ( Read more... )

I am not who I used to be.

This is a good thing.

Two thousand, eight hundred and eighty minutes. My chest hurts; lying in bed I wonder if it's possible to become physically ill from missing someone. No matter. I invent my own symptoms. And the doctor's orders? Close your eyes tight for the next eleven months. Pretend the world isn't spinning beneath your feet and you have nothing to grab onto. ( Read more... )

Life is good.

The room is hot and cold at the same time; I wear two sweatshirts and bare feet. The nailpolish on my toes is chipped and I don't remember the last time I painted them, or cared. It's a new year, and I have no resolutions. That's a lie, but I don't think I've quite figured out what promises I'd like to make and break to myself yet.

The cat whines ( Read more... )

This is the last time I'm going to say this- I'm done. It's a little before midnight right now and I'm back at the apartment seething, not the way I should be spending my Saturday night. I'm sick of spending money and calling and allowing myself to be walked all over, sacrificing my own happiness for someone else's selfishness. No more. I promise ( Read more... )

1.) A coke slurpee from 7-11

2.) Long hair

3.) Ridiculously large sunglasses so I can look ridiculous in Houston next week

4.) A new pack of little boy's XL beaters

5.) A back massage

6.) Warm weather

7.) Krispy Kreme donuts from Harrods

8.) Clean sheets

9.) A love letter

10.) Time machine

Last night when my head stopped throbbing and I felt the coldness in my gut from the meds, after I swallowed tiny sips of water and breathed in the sweet, crystallized smoke that seems to always permeate my apartment, I found a stack of pictures I had hidden away a while ago. My hair was long and straight, halfway down my back and my eyes opened ( Read more... )

The feelings of fear have disapeared. Now it's a strange calmness that washes over me every time I wipe my nose across the back of my hand and wash off the smeared blood. The other day I hesitated for a moment, let it drip almost to my mouth. Afterall, it was only my own blood. I stared in the mirror so hard that my eyes unfocused, and I looked ( Read more... )

Every morning my eyes open at 4:35am. The same time every day, just long enough for me to look at the clock, realize my stomach hurts and roll back over. I lay there and will myself back to sleep, back to a world of disconnection and emotions that don't exist during the waking hours. Last night I dreamed about a castle, and it was the most ( Read more... )