Learning to socialize; Music for today: Gureilla Maab

[uberdionysus]

When I was in third grade, we moved to Goffs, a tiny town in the Mojave Desert with a population of around 23. I was the only kid. I was a bookish little kid. I was a shy little kid. And there were no other kids around

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[wedrinkbitter]

YES MOTHERFUCKER.

This album is so fucking great. So is Z-Ro's "Look What You Did To Me" (I definitely five-starred both of those on my list).

I've been pushing repeat on this hoe for DAYS.

[wedrinkbitter]

And then I finally got to read the actual entry.

Mane, how much of how we live the rest of our lives is just living down or re-living the traumas and miniscule joys of the sandbox and junior high. It's fucking painful, and every day that I don't feel like I have to face down some promise I made myself when I was 14 is a victory.

I'm okay with not being an insider, a bit moreso, now, because I get to feel like one all the time, and even I know that's an illusion, but at least it's one I can live with. Those who can't, get trophy wives and kill people to satisfy what can't ever really be satisfied.

[uberdionysus]

Yeah, I'm fine with not being an insider. I quickly realized that no one is. For me, it happened in High School when the cool kids asked me for advice - I was dumb founded and realized that they were as fucked up as I was. I realized that there was always another step up and everyone was insecure of their status.

That also relieved me of hero worship. I thought, "Well, these kids are completely different from their appearance (they're fucked up), so other people probably are too."

The goals have shifted now. I'm no longer shy. I'm no longer afraid of anyone. The good that came out of that exercise is manifold. I learned that everyone is equal and since then have never been intimidated by title or status. More importantly, I learned how to deal with people. I learned to ignore pretensions of "character" and taught myself how to act differently in the world. I learned that I could change my character but that it required an immense amount of effort. It was worth it.

[wedrinkbitter]

It's so odd, though, because just last night, for the first time in forever, I actually did have a dream where I met heroes, and they lived up to their hype (one of which, oddly enough, was David Banner). And I felt clumsy, and unrefined, and didn't even feel like I'd justify their time or attentions. Obviously, in the light of day, it seems a bit ridiculous (though I still adore David Banner, in my dream the first thing he told me was that he was gay, and as was typical for this dream, it caught me off-balance and I once again felt ungainly as a teenager).

I think there are people that do live up to the hype, and those are the people that are worthy of the hero worship, but not the kind of hero worship where you need to humble yourself, so much as to strive to be their equals.

Ah, fever dreams. I've been cooking at 103 for two days now.

[uberdionysus]

Fever dreams freak me out.

I still have heroes but I learned how fallible everyone is. Also, the people who make me feel clumsy and unrefined are always older, so I feel like I MIGHT catch up to them, SOMEDAY. Most of the time, people (including older people) are just as moronic as I am.

Some peers impress me with accomplishments or specialized intelligence or skills, but in general, I'm never overwhelmed by peers. I know that there's going to be something, however small, that puts us on equal footing.

[wedrinkbitter]

I was a little put off by Z-Ro's triple-time rhymes 'til I actually sat down and listened to them, the shit's fucking deep, too, even when he's flowing fast as fuck.

[avagabond]

Whoa, you weren't kidding. He goes really fast. I'll have to listen that again.

[wedrinkbitter]

It's good stuff, I'm glad that T.R.O.Y. is digging this shit. Like I said, this album I haven't been able to unstick from my CD player for more than a few minutes for the last week or so.

[uberdionysus]

I'm lovin' it.1 I feel like a dick about Guerilla Maab and Z-Ro because a hip-hop head friend of mine has been pimping his shit for years and I only started listening to him recently. I called him up the other day and could tell that he was torn between "I'm glad you liked it" and "WTF, dick, why are you listening to it NOW?"

1. Not in a McDonalds™ sort of way.

[betchka]

You're the only other person I know who knows about z-ro. I meant to post something of his to the selector.

[wedrinkbitter]

It's too bad that his last few albums sucked so hard after he started cozying up to tha S.U.C. I got Z-Ro Vs. The World and I couldn't believe it was the same dude.

[uberdionysus]

That sucks.

I hope the dude becomes a gazillionaire tho'. There needs to be some justice in this world.

[betchka]

next time i'm in DC your houston durrty south GETS RAPED.

[soakingsympathy]

That was a very sweet anecdote and it totally brightened my day. I think today at the hospital we are going to be playing ultimate frisbee so, today is just a good day all around.

[uberdionysus]

I'm off today. Maybe I'll go throw a frisbee around too. (Even tho' small children will laugh and point at my pathetic frisbee skills.)