Special!spam
Well, it's August now :D It's even hot and everything. So it must be Portuguese Appreciation Month!
110 José pictures. >:D (PS WHERE IS MY MOURINHO TAG????)
This is José.
José is extremely handsome,
and, by 'eck, doesn't he know it.
He was born evil in 1963,
and basically carried on that way.
Appointed as interpreter to Bobby Robson in 1992, he went through a most unattractive shell-suit phase
with horrifyingly untamed hair.
(Note: this was not his worst haircut. I do not have any pictures of the 'fro. Indeed, I have done everything I can to delete it totally from my memory.)
Then there was a fluffy era
and some effete necklaces
before he finally evolved into the stallion we all know and love.
(The pictures also became significantly larger at this stage.)
As a player he was actually rather awful,
possibly because he's so bloody lazy. (As he told the press, "I never liked running much. I'm more the type to make other people do the running.")
But he did spend enough time in shorts to prove, once again, that the Portuguese are incredibly hairy.
(See?)
He is 5'9", as helpfully demonstrated here by the Chelsea Height Chart.
His taste in music is ear-bleedingly awful. "Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ is my all-time number one. Followed by Bryan Adams, then a Portuguese folk band who Time Out readers won’t have heard of (but they are fantastic), Phil Collins and Sting."
DDDDDDX I have never in my life felt so grateful to Pink Floyd and Portuguese folk bands.
Here is his wife, Tami (short for Matilde).
She was born in Angola in 1966, when it was still a Portuguese colony. She and her family went to live in Portugal when Angola achieved independence, and she met José at a disco when she was 14.
They got married in 1989 and have two sprogs, José and Matilde. (Yeah, they named their kids after themselves - it's an archaic tradition in Portugal, apparently.)
So the kids have nicknames - they're called Zuca and Tita.
(That picture's pretty old. This one is from 2007:)
(And this one is tiny, but it's too adorable to leave out.)
(Bless, just bless.)
Right, it's time for ~The Many Faces Of José Mourinho~.
1. Gurning!José.
A favourite. As far as he's concerned, a face is for making faces with.
He and his wife are both smokers, and when he can't smoke, he chews gum. So half of his weird faces are chuddy faces.
The rest are cos he just likes making faces.
"OMG!"
"ORLY?"
2. Smug!Jose. Extremely common.
Starts to grate after a while.
3. Puppy!José.
Disappointingly rare:
he does it so well, but we don't see it often enough.
<3
4. Cheesy!José
Mmm. Still good.
5. Conductor!José.
R. Abramovich: financial backer.
D. Drogba: brilliant but temperamental soloist.
J. Terry: leader of orchestra.
F. Lampard: 2nd violin.
P. Cech: percussionist.
S. Wright-Philips: piccolo player.
A. Shevchenko: former star flautist, now perpetually out of tune.
A. Mutu: former first trumpet, thrown out of the orchestra for taking... *tries to think what the hell kind of drug you would have to take to be thrown out of an orchestra* OK, thrown out because he was a crack addict.
He looks more like a tenor here, which is wrong. He doesn't DO things. He'd be the conductor. That way he could tell everyone else what to do and still get adored.
6. Evil!José. 'Nuff said.
(The slicked back badger hair lent itself particularly well to this.)
7. Headachey José.
Yes, he gets migraines, and once had to go to hospital for observation with one.
You can tell when he's got one cos he looks all hot and sweaty and knackered.
Which, obviously, is a bad thing. Yes.
8. Psycho!José.
Ah, Psycho!José.
Why is he so neglected?
Here he is threatening to devour Paulo Ferreira,
and the officials as well, if they don't do what he wants.
Zlatan's got nothing on this guy.
9. Swarthy!José.
Popular with the ladies.
10. Sunburnt!José.
Would not have thought this was possible, but evidently living in Britain too long can make even the Portuguese burnable. It looks good on him, anyway.
11. Chibi!José.
By Tien. (With bonus Michael Ballack, natch.) The greatest chibi ever drawn.
12. Harry Potter!José.
I didn’t manipulate any of these pictures:
he’s got a smallish scar on his forehead (not the great big one, which is just scary),
and when he frowns, it’s shaped like a lightning bolt. Strange but true.
Guess we know now what happens at the end of Book 7: Harry moves to Portugal and does a degree in sports science. (It couldn’t be worse than the actual ending.)
13. Happy!José.
There are nowhere NEAR enough pictures of this guy.
He spends too much time scowling,
and he looks so nice when he smiles! <3
(FAVOURITE. EVER.)
Now. Silly pictures.
As you know, many people consider his fashion sense to be infallible. This is not the case.
I have no plans to stop laughing at this picture for the foreseeable future.
I'm afraid I haven’t got a clue what’s going on here.
Or here, except that I know it makes me laugh.
(It's the look on his face.)
I do know what was happening here - he was starting the Setubal Half-Marathon. But I prefer to think he was filming a Portuguese football spaghetti western (a paella western?) or something.
*Boggles*
*Laughs* at that bloke's hideous suit
“HAHAHAHAHAAA! I SHALL GIVE RED CARDS TO EVERYONE!”
Never gets old.
Now. Spot the difference between him and the waxwork. (Clue: it’s his paunch.)
He lost a lot of weight before he started at Inter; it was particularly noticeable when he was in that white top at Hidetoshi Nakata's testimonial.
This is the maximum flesh I've ever seen him sport in one photo, the mean sod. If he disrobes further, rest assured that I will let you know.
EDIT: he has! kels450 has a pic of him topless! See the comments. >:D
Ships
Aaahh, ships. *Sighs and puts head in hands* We could be here for some time.
Bobby Robson holds the honour of being the first man ever rumoured to be José's gay lover. One trusts he is appropriately grateful. (Actually he thinks it's hilarious, apparently, and so does his wife. Sacrilege!!)
The second man rumoured to be José's gay lover appears, somewhat startlingly, to have been Andre Villas Boas:
While poor Andre is not the most prepossessing bloke in the world, I can't help thinking that the only reason these blown-up, grainy, totally boring pictures exist is because someone saw them sitting in the stands and thought "ZOMG! José is at a football match with An Unidentified Man! This must be a date!" and snapped away. My sources inform me that, sure enough, there was a rumour he was gay just before he arrived at Chelsea, so I keep assuming that was it. Might be wrong, mind.
(Note: the reason he was in the stands with An Unidentified Man was that he was about to hire Andre as a scout. Boring but true.)
(But he still makes kissy faces at him, evidently.)
To continue: Roman.
This section, regrettably, is not going to be half as big as you think it is:
there are only about half a dozen pictures of them together, half of which are in any case ruined by watermarks or Peter Kenyon,
and this is the only one I know of them actually touching each other. The bastards. (But we've still got "I will always love José".)
Moving on *sigh*,
I put together a little Sheva/José folder for colourreporter.
It wasn’t easy.
Didi, on the other hand - no problems there.
BLESS BLESS BLESS. <3
But if you can get past Didi's hideous hair and gold boots, these are my favourites.
<3
As for Terry and Lampard, I'm not interested in them personally, but the fact remains that they are in all the best Jo!slash pictures,
all of which were exhumed recently by Sky News et al when it seemed that Lamps would be going to Inter.
I am unable to to object to photos as cute as these,
and I refuse to stop showing people this picture.
“You're holding up the match," complain Man U. (Yes, that is JT he's kissing there, according to the caption.)
And José's best slash picture, like, ever:
WHOA. Just look at his face. O.O "Why, Frank... you're beautiful!" Nice work, Lamps.
And then there's Rui. *Happy sigh*
Favourite.
Threesome plz.
Also, José likes to cuddle up to random victims.
I approve of this.
And he has a thing about fourth officials, which I don't feel the need to go into because I covered it in a previous picspam at footballslash. I just want to include this one:
Silvino: You promised, no more fourth officials!
Clarkey: I warned ye not to go near him!
Rui: NO! YOU SLAG!
José: Oh, fourth official, I cannot hide my feelings any longer! Come live with me and be my love! *Weeps*
Me: O_o (and XD)
Finally, body parts. I would like to thank José-obsessed straight male photographers, without whom this section would not have been possible.
The secret of his swoonworthiness is fairly simple: he has quite big lips
and very long eyelashes.
He also has a big hole in his head that scares me, but we’ll gloss over that.
Here are the eye wrinkles of love for the Julio Cruz fans,
and his mad hair.
(Looks even madder from the back.)
I prefer it long. This is about the only picture I like of him with short hair.
His chest hair is grey. This used to be a Little-Known Fact, but since he’s moved to Italy he’s been flaunting his décolletage at every opportunity, the hussy.
Finally, for Conny: hands.
Hairy hands.
Eloquent hands.
Self-touching hands.
Dancing hands (I LOVE THIS).
*Stares* What a naughty man.
Well, that’s the end of the picspam. You now have a degree in Advanced José Mourinho.
But, whatever you do, don’t forget:
HE’S STILL EVIL.
110 José pictures. >:D (PS WHERE IS MY MOURINHO TAG????)
This is José.
José is extremely handsome,
and, by 'eck, doesn't he know it.
He was born evil in 1963,
and basically carried on that way.
Appointed as interpreter to Bobby Robson in 1992, he went through a most unattractive shell-suit phase
with horrifyingly untamed hair.
(Note: this was not his worst haircut. I do not have any pictures of the 'fro. Indeed, I have done everything I can to delete it totally from my memory.)
Then there was a fluffy era
and some effete necklaces
before he finally evolved into the stallion we all know and love.
(The pictures also became significantly larger at this stage.)
As a player he was actually rather awful,
possibly because he's so bloody lazy. (As he told the press, "I never liked running much. I'm more the type to make other people do the running.")
But he did spend enough time in shorts to prove, once again, that the Portuguese are incredibly hairy.
(See?)
He is 5'9", as helpfully demonstrated here by the Chelsea Height Chart.
His taste in music is ear-bleedingly awful. "Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ is my all-time number one. Followed by Bryan Adams, then a Portuguese folk band who Time Out readers won’t have heard of (but they are fantastic), Phil Collins and Sting."
DDDDDDX I have never in my life felt so grateful to Pink Floyd and Portuguese folk bands.
Here is his wife, Tami (short for Matilde).
She was born in Angola in 1966, when it was still a Portuguese colony. She and her family went to live in Portugal when Angola achieved independence, and she met José at a disco when she was 14.
They got married in 1989 and have two sprogs, José and Matilde. (Yeah, they named their kids after themselves - it's an archaic tradition in Portugal, apparently.)
So the kids have nicknames - they're called Zuca and Tita.
(That picture's pretty old. This one is from 2007:)
(And this one is tiny, but it's too adorable to leave out.)
(Bless, just bless.)
Right, it's time for ~The Many Faces Of José Mourinho~.
1. Gurning!José.
A favourite. As far as he's concerned, a face is for making faces with.
He and his wife are both smokers, and when he can't smoke, he chews gum. So half of his weird faces are chuddy faces.
The rest are cos he just likes making faces.
"OMG!"
"ORLY?"
2. Smug!Jose. Extremely common.
Starts to grate after a while.
3. Puppy!José.
Disappointingly rare:
he does it so well, but we don't see it often enough.
<3
4. Cheesy!José
Mmm. Still good.
5. Conductor!José.
R. Abramovich: financial backer.
D. Drogba: brilliant but temperamental soloist.
J. Terry: leader of orchestra.
F. Lampard: 2nd violin.
P. Cech: percussionist.
S. Wright-Philips: piccolo player.
A. Shevchenko: former star flautist, now perpetually out of tune.
A. Mutu: former first trumpet, thrown out of the orchestra for taking... *tries to think what the hell kind of drug you would have to take to be thrown out of an orchestra* OK, thrown out because he was a crack addict.
He looks more like a tenor here, which is wrong. He doesn't DO things. He'd be the conductor. That way he could tell everyone else what to do and still get adored.
6. Evil!José. 'Nuff said.
(The slicked back badger hair lent itself particularly well to this.)
7. Headachey José.
Yes, he gets migraines, and once had to go to hospital for observation with one.
You can tell when he's got one cos he looks all hot and sweaty and knackered.
Which, obviously, is a bad thing. Yes.
8. Psycho!José.
Ah, Psycho!José.
Why is he so neglected?
Here he is threatening to devour Paulo Ferreira,
and the officials as well, if they don't do what he wants.
Zlatan's got nothing on this guy.
9. Swarthy!José.
Popular with the ladies.
10. Sunburnt!José.
Would not have thought this was possible, but evidently living in Britain too long can make even the Portuguese burnable. It looks good on him, anyway.
11. Chibi!José.
By Tien. (With bonus Michael Ballack, natch.) The greatest chibi ever drawn.
12. Harry Potter!José.
I didn’t manipulate any of these pictures:
he’s got a smallish scar on his forehead (not the great big one, which is just scary),
and when he frowns, it’s shaped like a lightning bolt. Strange but true.
Guess we know now what happens at the end of Book 7: Harry moves to Portugal and does a degree in sports science. (It couldn’t be worse than the actual ending.)
13. Happy!José.
There are nowhere NEAR enough pictures of this guy.
He spends too much time scowling,
and he looks so nice when he smiles! <3
(FAVOURITE. EVER.)
Now. Silly pictures.
As you know, many people consider his fashion sense to be infallible. This is not the case.
I have no plans to stop laughing at this picture for the foreseeable future.
I'm afraid I haven’t got a clue what’s going on here.
Or here, except that I know it makes me laugh.
(It's the look on his face.)
I do know what was happening here - he was starting the Setubal Half-Marathon. But I prefer to think he was filming a Portuguese football spaghetti western (a paella western?) or something.
*Boggles*
*Laughs* at that bloke's hideous suit
“HAHAHAHAHAAA! I SHALL GIVE RED CARDS TO EVERYONE!”
Never gets old.
Now. Spot the difference between him and the waxwork. (Clue: it’s his paunch.)
He lost a lot of weight before he started at Inter; it was particularly noticeable when he was in that white top at Hidetoshi Nakata's testimonial.
This is the maximum flesh I've ever seen him sport in one photo, the mean sod. If he disrobes further, rest assured that I will let you know.
EDIT: he has! kels450 has a pic of him topless! See the comments. >:D
Ships
Aaahh, ships. *Sighs and puts head in hands* We could be here for some time.
Bobby Robson holds the honour of being the first man ever rumoured to be José's gay lover. One trusts he is appropriately grateful. (Actually he thinks it's hilarious, apparently, and so does his wife. Sacrilege!!)
The second man rumoured to be José's gay lover appears, somewhat startlingly, to have been Andre Villas Boas:
While poor Andre is not the most prepossessing bloke in the world, I can't help thinking that the only reason these blown-up, grainy, totally boring pictures exist is because someone saw them sitting in the stands and thought "ZOMG! José is at a football match with An Unidentified Man! This must be a date!" and snapped away. My sources inform me that, sure enough, there was a rumour he was gay just before he arrived at Chelsea, so I keep assuming that was it. Might be wrong, mind.
(Note: the reason he was in the stands with An Unidentified Man was that he was about to hire Andre as a scout. Boring but true.)
(But he still makes kissy faces at him, evidently.)
To continue: Roman.
This section, regrettably, is not going to be half as big as you think it is:
there are only about half a dozen pictures of them together, half of which are in any case ruined by watermarks or Peter Kenyon,
and this is the only one I know of them actually touching each other. The bastards. (But we've still got "I will always love José".)
Moving on *sigh*,
I put together a little Sheva/José folder for colourreporter.
It wasn’t easy.
Didi, on the other hand - no problems there.
BLESS BLESS BLESS. <3
But if you can get past Didi's hideous hair and gold boots, these are my favourites.
<3
As for Terry and Lampard, I'm not interested in them personally, but the fact remains that they are in all the best Jo!slash pictures,
all of which were exhumed recently by Sky News et al when it seemed that Lamps would be going to Inter.
I am unable to to object to photos as cute as these,
and I refuse to stop showing people this picture.
“You're holding up the match," complain Man U. (Yes, that is JT he's kissing there, according to the caption.)
And José's best slash picture, like, ever:
WHOA. Just look at his face. O.O "Why, Frank... you're beautiful!" Nice work, Lamps.
And then there's Rui. *Happy sigh*
Favourite.
Threesome plz.
Also, José likes to cuddle up to random victims.
I approve of this.
And he has a thing about fourth officials, which I don't feel the need to go into because I covered it in a previous picspam at footballslash. I just want to include this one:
Silvino: You promised, no more fourth officials!
Clarkey: I warned ye not to go near him!
Rui: NO! YOU SLAG!
José: Oh, fourth official, I cannot hide my feelings any longer! Come live with me and be my love! *Weeps*
Me: O_o (and XD)
Finally, body parts. I would like to thank José-obsessed straight male photographers, without whom this section would not have been possible.
The secret of his swoonworthiness is fairly simple: he has quite big lips
and very long eyelashes.
He also has a big hole in his head that scares me, but we’ll gloss over that.
Here are the eye wrinkles of love for the Julio Cruz fans,
and his mad hair.
(Looks even madder from the back.)
I prefer it long. This is about the only picture I like of him with short hair.
His chest hair is grey. This used to be a Little-Known Fact, but since he’s moved to Italy he’s been flaunting his décolletage at every opportunity, the hussy.
Finally, for Conny: hands.
Hairy hands.
Eloquent hands.
Self-touching hands.
Dancing hands (I LOVE THIS).
*Stares* What a naughty man.
Well, that’s the end of the picspam. You now have a degree in Advanced José Mourinho.
But, whatever you do, don’t forget:
HE’S STILL EVIL.