On "I Have a Boyfriend"

[twistpeach]

So, I have been reading the mini-debate around the internet over whether women should be more honest and straightforward when they turn down men, particularly that they stop using the excuse "I have a boyfriend" as a handy shorthand for "I'm not interested." Folks have pointed out that this excuse is only useful because creepers respect other men

Comments

[harvey_rrit]

"...I do not owe a stranger who approaches me at random my honesty any more than I owe him a welcome...."

I am a crippled fat guy in his fifties and should not be made to try to do a happy dance.

But I would not have wanted to miss this post.

[twistpeach]

:D Made my day.

[harvey_rrit]

GOOD.

Sounds like that was overdue.

\o/

[rustycoon]

"Because if I can't have respect, I'll take fear."

Machiavelli is proud of you. Fear lasts longer, and is a more consistent leash.

There are, I think, two basic approaches to discuss this stuff: the moral thread, and the prudence thread. You touch on both here, essentially rejecting the moral thread and embracing a limited form of the prudence-reasons for being honest.

I feel the need to correct you on one point though: Do you seriously think I have guys clapping me on the back for my honesty? Of course not.Not literally, no. But anyone who knows you well enough to be comfortable being that patronizing can do the math and realize they'd rather still be your friend. :) But the spirit is there, I know for a fact there's a large following of people who value your authenticity. I've met them. I am one

Re: \o/

[twistpeach]

Wow. Best compliment ever.

I don't consider myself much of a writer, but virality exists and the blog is public. Feel free to share and signal boost!

*insecurely decides to carefully edit post*

[cos]

I'd much prefer a world where women just say "not interested" without the white lie. I understand why so many women don't do that, and empathize, and don't think they owe anyone otherwise. However, by doing what you're doing you're opening up more space for women not to have to lie like that. And you're moving in the direction that's better for me, too. Granted, I have less to gain from what you're doing than you do, nor am I who you're doing it for, but that doesn't mean I don't gain from your actions. I do. You don't have to do it, and you're contributing to making things better by doing it. Of course I thank you.

[twistpeach]

I wish women did not feel obligated to feel miserable to turn someone down. Sadly, I think the horror of having to refuse makes the situation even more awkward for both parties. Women are socialized to believe hurting feelings or refusing is a heinous act. For myself, I've found it difficult to do it without stoking myself up with righteous indignation, which I could potentially throw at an undeserving inquirer simply because I do not feel entitled to refuse "like it ain't no thing