Monsters - August 23rd
Twisted Shorts August Fic-a-Day Challenge - Day 23
Title: Monsters
Author:hermione2be
Rating: PG13/FR18/T
Crossover: BtVS/SG:A
Disclaimer: I do not own any of BtVS/Angel or Stargate people, places, or ideas. This fiction is done simply for pleasure and I receive no profit.
Summary: Faith faces new and old monsters.
Notes: Part 23 of Faith Sheppard - Links Page
Trigger warning - sexual abuse, prostitution
Seasons: Post-series/Season 2
Word Count: 3090
Faith stood in the doorway of the conference room, listening to the biology argument. Thanks to Carson’s incomplete Wraith retrovirus being self-administered by a juvenile Wraith female, she had infected John. He was becoming a Wraith, though it looked to be more Iratus-Wraith. He was faster than Ronon and showing some altered mental faculties. Carson only had days to set him back to rights or they would lose him.
“What about her?” Dr. Cramer said. “If we need genetic material is hers close enough to use?”
“Introducing more human genetic material into his body is only going to give the retrovirus more fuel,” Dr. Gerry snapped. “I don’t know how much simpler I can say it.”
“Yes, yes,” Carson cut in, “I agree. That’s why we have to use the iratus bug stem cells.”
“I’m sorry?” Gerry said. “Iratus bug stem cells would have to be from a live specimen.”
“So we need a bug?” Faith said. Finally, something she could do.
“No,” Carson said. “We need iratus bug eggs.”
“Nest hunting, now you’re speaking my language,” Faith said as she pushed off the wall.
It was less than ten minutes before she had Elizabeth, Carson, Rodney, and Evan in a room.
“The Ancient database has quite a lot of information about the iratus bug,” Rodney told them. “We know what planet it’s on, we know it likes cave-like places to lay their eggs. It shouldn’t be that hard to locate.”
“Wait a minute,” Elizabeth said, looking between them. “The last time we ran into one of these things, we almost lost Sheppard. How do you expect to just walk right into one of their nests?”
“Monster nests are kinda my jam,” Faith pointed out. “We need eggs, I plan to get them.”
“Time is an issue as well,” Carson told them. “The only certainty we have is what will happen if we do nothing.”
“We all understand the risks,” Evan assured. “And I believe that Colonel Sheppard would do the same for any one of us.”
“Well, he should,” Faith said, “he has to come with us.”
“That’s out of the question, lass,” Carson said.
“He’s already admitted to not feeling like himself,” Elizabeth told her.
“Three things.” Faith held up a finger. “For one, he’s faster than Ronon, showed incredible skill against Teyla, and is already stronger than he realizes. If he really wants to leave, you can’t contain him. Two, I can’t leave him here with the human guards, they would have to shoot him with bullets to stop him, which would make this all for naught.”
“And three?” Evan asked.
“Need a monster that can enter the monster’s nest,” she replied. “As much as he hates the bugs, they should read him as one of them. They may not like him being there, but he’s the only one who doesn’t get dead for going in.”
“I need an hour to get things together,” Carson told them.
“Okay,” Evan agreed, “one hour.”
Faith stayed still until it was just her, Elizabeth, and Evan. She turned to regard the two of them. “You need to understand something. Either we pull this off and get the eggs or John doesn’t come back to Atlantis.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “What?”
“He would put this entire base at risk and that is something he would never accept.”
“I don’t accept that option.”
“I don’t want it to be the outcome,” Faith assured. “But sentimentality will get more of the base infected and put Earth at risk as well.”
Evan nodded. “She’s right. Either this works or Sheppard is considered irredeemable.”
“Not until Carson says so,” Faith told them. “But I’m not going to keep trying to Hail Mary something like this, that’s how we end up with a zombie horde.”
She turned and walked out.
“I can’t tell if its hyperbole or past experience,” Evan told Elizabeth.
“I don’t think I want to know.”
88888888
They stepped off the Jumper into the humid air of a blacklisted planet.
Ronon was on point. The others followed him. John and Faith were at the rear.
“I was on my way to tell Elizabeth that I needed to come on this mission,” John said.
“Luckily, my insight counts for something in this,” Faith said.
He grinned a bit. “Did you hear I was faster than Ronon?”
“I did,” she replied with a wide grin. “We accomplish this and we can test how close you are to my speed.”
“Deal,” he said.
Ronon led them to the base of the mountain range where a deep cave looked promising.
Faith kneeled at the entrance to the cave and listened hard. She shared a look with Ronon.
“What?” Rodney asked.
“This is the right place,” Ronon told them.
“It’s faint but we can hear them moving around,” Faith explained.
John kneeled next to her and tilted his head. “I can too.”
“How many do we need, Carson?” Faith asked.
Carson pulled out two white canisters and handed them to her. “At least one of them all the way to the top.”
Faith set them down and took off her bag and laid it off to the side of the cave. She stripped her jacket and t-shirt, leaving her in a tank top. “John, I need your jacket.”
He frowned and pulled it off, holding it out to her. She grabbed it and wrapped it around her. It was a few sizes too large, but covered her neck to hip. She zipped it all the way up. She twisted her hair and tucked it into the collar.
She grabbed both of their headsets and handed them to Lorne. She pulled a blade from her bag and picked up the two canisters. “Okay, I’m ready.”
They were all staring at her strangely.
“We’ll be right back,” John said as he walked forward taking one of the canisters and slowly entering the cave. Faith followed him.
“Are we worried about them?” Purell asked.
“Spread out in case they make a quick exit,” Lorne said. “Beckett, McKay, stay the farthest away with Stevens.”
Both doctors retreated a bit. Ronon stood against the cave wall with Teyla across from him. Evan and Purell took position a bit further back, kneeling and waiting.
“Any idea why she wanted his jacket?” they heard Rodney asked Carson.
“No, Rodney,” he said, irritated. “I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to explain on the return trip.”
After that it was as tense seven minutes.
Then, unharmed and grinning, both Sheppards walked out with canisters full of iratus bug eggs.
88888888
“Faith knows her stuff,” John said during a debrief less than two weeks later. “And so does Dr. Beckett’s team.”
“I’m proud to say that Colonel Sheppard has made a full recovery,” Carson announced, “Between the iratus stem cells and Faith’s DNA, we were able to make a cure that not only targeted the retrovirus but also used an existing human sample to speed-up the reversion.”
“And we finally got an answer about the whole clothes thing,” Rodney said proudly. “Pheromones. Faith knew she would agitate the bugs and wanted to use something that smelled like Sheppard’s altered pheromones…” He trailed off at their strange looks.
Faith shook her head. “That’s Carson’s explanation for why that particular tactic worked,” Faith clarified. “I had used it often enough.”
Elizabeth suppressed a smile. “Be that as it may. I believe this is the final debrief needed for this particular incident. Thank you all.”
John and Faith stood.
“No more scales?” Faith asked.
He glared at her. “The other me found you a lot less funny.”
“Interesting,” she said. “Could that possibly because the Wraith don’t have a funny bone?”
“You’re terrible.”
“Just like you,” she suggested. “And right now, late picking Haly up.”
“Where is she?”
“Mainland. There is a cub scouts type thing going on, they teach the kids how to live off the land. She’s been there two days.”
“Got a moment for dinner when you get back?”
“Yeah, she’ll be happy to see you - and be allowed to go back to the infirmary.”
88888888
Faith leaned back against the wall and observed the latest addition to the memorial wall. Haly sat next to her.
The door opened to let John and Evan in.
“Oh,” John said in surprise. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“Had work to do,” she replied.
Evan looked at the wall. “You did this?”
“It helps.”
Newly inscribed was The Crew of the Aurora.
“You added them,” John said.
“Five hundred people waited ten thousand years to give their lives for a failed mission,” Faith said, “of course I added them.”
“I was just showing Major Lorne.”
“Everyone finds it eventually.”
“We’re late,” Haly said.
Faith checked her watch. “Damnit, Susan is going to have my head.”
“Bye,” Haly waved as they quickly left the room.
Faith skidded to a stop in front of Susan’s office and waved her hand over the sensor. It opened and Susan looked up from her laptop.
“You’re late,” Susan announced.
“We know,” Haly said as she found a spot on the floor in the hall in front of Susan’s door to lay on her stomach and work on pictures.
“I was adding the Aurora to the wall,” Faith said. “I didn’t realize the time.”
Susan pursed her lips. “Forgiven this time.”
“Thank you.” Faith sat down on the couch.
“Last time we were discussing your aversion to being touched,” Susan said as she moved to sit in her chair across from the couch. “Specifically your reactions.”
“Well, I don’t throw people across the room.”
“But you do pull away.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because, with very few exceptions, when someone touches me, I feel…trapped.”
“How so?”
“I’ve got three spiral fractures that pretty well answer that.”
“It was used to control you.”
“Yes.”
“Are there people for whom this feeling doesn’t manifest?”
“Carson, he always asks or explicitly states why he’s doing something. Radek doesn’t really touch so much as he hovers around me when I’m in his way. And John, he raises no feelings of panic. Teyla, she does that whole Athosian shoulder-touch-bow thing, it never worries me. Laura, she plays with my hair sometimes, moves my clothes around.” Faith looked at the door. “And Haly, of course.”
“Are there times people have touched you recently that caused that feeling?”
Faith nodded. “Lorne reached over me while I was flying the other day, it took an effort not to jump onto the console. He apologized and backed off, but I’m not sure why.”
“Perhaps he sensed your discomfort?”
She shrugged. “Colonel Caldwell bugs me. Ever since I came back from Earth, I feel like he’s reading more into my behavior, trying to figure something out. And I’ve had to keep from decking McKay on occasion, he shoves people out of the way.”
“What about Ronon?”
“He thinks a bit like I do in that regard, he’s only touched me during sparring sessions.”
“But you started therapy because of what happened during one of your first sparring sessions with him.”
Faith nodded. “Immobilized and trapped beneath the weight of a man.”
“That’s a trigger for you.” She carefully controlled her voice. “Given that information, would you say that you have avoided any sexual relationships since Robin due to that fear?”
Faith sighed. “Yes. Even before that. I never chose to sleep with a man more than once.”
“It’s interesting that you use the word ‘chose.’” Susan said. “Why is that?”
“It is the most important distinction that I have. Before I was fourteen, I didn’t choose what happened to me. Who my mom brought around, who snuck into my bed, who held me down…touched me.”
“What changed when you were fourteen?”
“Rachel, my first Watcher. She took me away from it. She never introduced me to anyone, never directed men my way…she taught me Latin and she taught me about the Slayer and the supernatural.”
“You had three years with her?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you choose when she died?”
“To run away, to California, to find the other Slayer.”
“And how did you get there?”
Faith’s jaw worked in a way that reminded Susan of John for a moment. “I became the whore my mother made me.”
“Faith…”
“I traded sex for rides, from New York to LA.”
“You were seventeen?”
“Yes.”
“But you chose not to go back to your mother.”
“If I was going to be a whore, at least I would control my own agenda.”
Susan’s mouth pinched in the corners. “And what about when you got to Sunnydale?”
“I slept with the first guy I ever had who was my age - Xander.”
“Why him?”
“I thought it was a way into the Scoobies - B’s group.”
“So you used him.”
“Right until the moment I realized that sex meant more to him. He tried to cuddle with me afterwards.”
“How did you handle that?”
“I kicked him out of my motel room in nothing but his underwear.”
“Was that the only guy you slept with in Sunnydale?”
“Really want to say yes, but…no. After the coma, I stole B’s body with a device that was left for me. My soul in her body, her soul in my body.”
Susan straightened in her chair a bit. “And you slept with someone as Buffy?”
“Her boyfriend, Riley. And he cuddled afterwards and told me he loved me - B.”
“Did you understand that?”
“Not even remotely.” Faith rubbed her face. “That was the day I hated myself. A day I really wished to die, I didn’t care if it was the Council or B or anyone else.”
“Yet you survived.”
“Instincts are a bitch,” she replied. “So I went to LA and tried to make Angel kill me.”
“How?”
“By beating Wesley within an inch of his life. I thought if men were so quick to temper, if I could piss them off just by existing when I was a child, surely a vampire would be easy enough.”
“What happened?”
“He refused to kill me, told me the only path was redemption. So I went to jail. And for a few years, I found redemption in the quiet.”
“Until Wesley came to get you out to save Angel.”
“And then the Hellmouth and Robin and-”
“Wait, Robin…what was that relationship in the context of what we’ve discussed today?”
“An attempt to connect?” She sighed. “Which was all he wanted, someone to fill in for his mommy issues.”
“Because his mother was a Slayer?”
“Yep. And she left him screwed up and I was too screwed up to see it while we were on the doorstep of war.”
“And once the war was over?”
“I slept with him once a few weeks later, realized I did it just to shut him up.”
“And there was no one after that?”
“Willow knew - I don’t know if it was something she sensed or something that she found in the Slayer line or in my head. She protected me in that way, we only took girls, all of the Watchers we were teaching were female. Only Xander and Giles were allowed to visit the House.”
“And she put all these in place for you?”
Faith nodded. “One thing Willow and I understood about each other was that the darkness wasn’t a single thing, it was series of small things that led us into hell. So she kept guys away from me and I asked if a spell was necessary before she used it.”
“And then you came to Atlantis, alone.”
“That’s the thing about Atlantis - there is no place to be alone, unless you like flooded, moldy rooms.”
“A year ago our ratio was skewed very male, we still are, how do you handle that?”
“I did what I always did, what I had to. I built a wall and kept it wrapped around me.”
“Did that work all the time?”
“No. There was an incident when I finally chose my room. Ford asked me to dinner and it was so unexpected that I had a complete meltdown.”
“Why?”
“Because men used to ask my mom to dinner while looking at me.” She rubbed her hands against her thighs. “I was a little better about my shields after that.”
“Until Ronon?”
“Most people aren’t as accomplished as he is at fighting and strategy. That I would find a human - much less a male human - who could manage to get me pinned was miniscule to my way of thinking.”
“But you did.”
“And he’s harmless, in that way…I know that. Even if I didn’t in that moment.”
“He can overpower you, that doesn’t raise feelings of anxiety?”
“I’d be stupid to say it doesn’t. But I control that.”
Susan nodded. “And when you can’t control it?”
“I leave the situation until I have me under control again.”
“What about your date with Major Lorne?”
“Susan…”
“You said that it was bad, but you never elaborated as to why it was a failure.”
Faith closed her eyes. Opening them a moment later, she sighed. “Lorne took over a position that was run by a guy who flat out hated my guts. In trying to reconcile what I was with Bates’ reports, Lorne did a thorough investigation.”
“And dinner was part of it?”
“I don’t know,” she said with a careless shrug.
“Can I postulate that the dinner was a genuine offer-”
“I lost a bet, that’s how we ended up at dinner.”
“Let’s just say the dinner was genuine. Whatever theories you have about the Major’s intentions may just be a creation of your own mind. A way to stop yourself from having a good time with him, or admitting that you were having a good time.”
“Why?”
“Because, between your friends here and your brother and Haly, you feel secure enough to try new things. The problem seems to be that while you wanted to try, you also were still trying to get out of it.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Faith told her, “Lorne and I now work on the same team, anything either of us may have been interested in has been taken off the menu.”
“Perhaps,” Susan conceded. “But I think what is holding you back is everything leading up to this. I think as much as you like to gloss over details…you need to forgive yourself. Trust that you don’t allow people into your life that are like those that hurt you as a child.” She studied Faith’s dark eyes. “You’ve accepted that not all men are like those who hurt you. However, you have not faced that you are not the - using your vocabulary - whore your mother tried to turn you into.”
Title: Monsters
Author:hermione2be
Rating: PG13/FR18/T
Crossover: BtVS/SG:A
Disclaimer: I do not own any of BtVS/Angel or Stargate people, places, or ideas. This fiction is done simply for pleasure and I receive no profit.
Summary: Faith faces new and old monsters.
Notes: Part 23 of Faith Sheppard - Links Page
Trigger warning - sexual abuse, prostitution
Seasons: Post-series/Season 2
Word Count: 3090
Faith stood in the doorway of the conference room, listening to the biology argument. Thanks to Carson’s incomplete Wraith retrovirus being self-administered by a juvenile Wraith female, she had infected John. He was becoming a Wraith, though it looked to be more Iratus-Wraith. He was faster than Ronon and showing some altered mental faculties. Carson only had days to set him back to rights or they would lose him.
“What about her?” Dr. Cramer said. “If we need genetic material is hers close enough to use?”
“Introducing more human genetic material into his body is only going to give the retrovirus more fuel,” Dr. Gerry snapped. “I don’t know how much simpler I can say it.”
“Yes, yes,” Carson cut in, “I agree. That’s why we have to use the iratus bug stem cells.”
“I’m sorry?” Gerry said. “Iratus bug stem cells would have to be from a live specimen.”
“So we need a bug?” Faith said. Finally, something she could do.
“No,” Carson said. “We need iratus bug eggs.”
“Nest hunting, now you’re speaking my language,” Faith said as she pushed off the wall.
It was less than ten minutes before she had Elizabeth, Carson, Rodney, and Evan in a room.
“The Ancient database has quite a lot of information about the iratus bug,” Rodney told them. “We know what planet it’s on, we know it likes cave-like places to lay their eggs. It shouldn’t be that hard to locate.”
“Wait a minute,” Elizabeth said, looking between them. “The last time we ran into one of these things, we almost lost Sheppard. How do you expect to just walk right into one of their nests?”
“Monster nests are kinda my jam,” Faith pointed out. “We need eggs, I plan to get them.”
“Time is an issue as well,” Carson told them. “The only certainty we have is what will happen if we do nothing.”
“We all understand the risks,” Evan assured. “And I believe that Colonel Sheppard would do the same for any one of us.”
“Well, he should,” Faith said, “he has to come with us.”
“That’s out of the question, lass,” Carson said.
“He’s already admitted to not feeling like himself,” Elizabeth told her.
“Three things.” Faith held up a finger. “For one, he’s faster than Ronon, showed incredible skill against Teyla, and is already stronger than he realizes. If he really wants to leave, you can’t contain him. Two, I can’t leave him here with the human guards, they would have to shoot him with bullets to stop him, which would make this all for naught.”
“And three?” Evan asked.
“Need a monster that can enter the monster’s nest,” she replied. “As much as he hates the bugs, they should read him as one of them. They may not like him being there, but he’s the only one who doesn’t get dead for going in.”
“I need an hour to get things together,” Carson told them.
“Okay,” Evan agreed, “one hour.”
Faith stayed still until it was just her, Elizabeth, and Evan. She turned to regard the two of them. “You need to understand something. Either we pull this off and get the eggs or John doesn’t come back to Atlantis.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “What?”
“He would put this entire base at risk and that is something he would never accept.”
“I don’t accept that option.”
“I don’t want it to be the outcome,” Faith assured. “But sentimentality will get more of the base infected and put Earth at risk as well.”
Evan nodded. “She’s right. Either this works or Sheppard is considered irredeemable.”
“Not until Carson says so,” Faith told them. “But I’m not going to keep trying to Hail Mary something like this, that’s how we end up with a zombie horde.”
She turned and walked out.
“I can’t tell if its hyperbole or past experience,” Evan told Elizabeth.
“I don’t think I want to know.”
88888888
They stepped off the Jumper into the humid air of a blacklisted planet.
Ronon was on point. The others followed him. John and Faith were at the rear.
“I was on my way to tell Elizabeth that I needed to come on this mission,” John said.
“Luckily, my insight counts for something in this,” Faith said.
He grinned a bit. “Did you hear I was faster than Ronon?”
“I did,” she replied with a wide grin. “We accomplish this and we can test how close you are to my speed.”
“Deal,” he said.
Ronon led them to the base of the mountain range where a deep cave looked promising.
Faith kneeled at the entrance to the cave and listened hard. She shared a look with Ronon.
“What?” Rodney asked.
“This is the right place,” Ronon told them.
“It’s faint but we can hear them moving around,” Faith explained.
John kneeled next to her and tilted his head. “I can too.”
“How many do we need, Carson?” Faith asked.
Carson pulled out two white canisters and handed them to her. “At least one of them all the way to the top.”
Faith set them down and took off her bag and laid it off to the side of the cave. She stripped her jacket and t-shirt, leaving her in a tank top. “John, I need your jacket.”
He frowned and pulled it off, holding it out to her. She grabbed it and wrapped it around her. It was a few sizes too large, but covered her neck to hip. She zipped it all the way up. She twisted her hair and tucked it into the collar.
She grabbed both of their headsets and handed them to Lorne. She pulled a blade from her bag and picked up the two canisters. “Okay, I’m ready.”
They were all staring at her strangely.
“We’ll be right back,” John said as he walked forward taking one of the canisters and slowly entering the cave. Faith followed him.
“Are we worried about them?” Purell asked.
“Spread out in case they make a quick exit,” Lorne said. “Beckett, McKay, stay the farthest away with Stevens.”
Both doctors retreated a bit. Ronon stood against the cave wall with Teyla across from him. Evan and Purell took position a bit further back, kneeling and waiting.
“Any idea why she wanted his jacket?” they heard Rodney asked Carson.
“No, Rodney,” he said, irritated. “I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to explain on the return trip.”
After that it was as tense seven minutes.
Then, unharmed and grinning, both Sheppards walked out with canisters full of iratus bug eggs.
88888888
“Faith knows her stuff,” John said during a debrief less than two weeks later. “And so does Dr. Beckett’s team.”
“I’m proud to say that Colonel Sheppard has made a full recovery,” Carson announced, “Between the iratus stem cells and Faith’s DNA, we were able to make a cure that not only targeted the retrovirus but also used an existing human sample to speed-up the reversion.”
“And we finally got an answer about the whole clothes thing,” Rodney said proudly. “Pheromones. Faith knew she would agitate the bugs and wanted to use something that smelled like Sheppard’s altered pheromones…” He trailed off at their strange looks.
Faith shook her head. “That’s Carson’s explanation for why that particular tactic worked,” Faith clarified. “I had used it often enough.”
Elizabeth suppressed a smile. “Be that as it may. I believe this is the final debrief needed for this particular incident. Thank you all.”
John and Faith stood.
“No more scales?” Faith asked.
He glared at her. “The other me found you a lot less funny.”
“Interesting,” she said. “Could that possibly because the Wraith don’t have a funny bone?”
“You’re terrible.”
“Just like you,” she suggested. “And right now, late picking Haly up.”
“Where is she?”
“Mainland. There is a cub scouts type thing going on, they teach the kids how to live off the land. She’s been there two days.”
“Got a moment for dinner when you get back?”
“Yeah, she’ll be happy to see you - and be allowed to go back to the infirmary.”
88888888
Faith leaned back against the wall and observed the latest addition to the memorial wall. Haly sat next to her.
The door opened to let John and Evan in.
“Oh,” John said in surprise. “I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“Had work to do,” she replied.
Evan looked at the wall. “You did this?”
“It helps.”
Newly inscribed was The Crew of the Aurora.
“You added them,” John said.
“Five hundred people waited ten thousand years to give their lives for a failed mission,” Faith said, “of course I added them.”
“I was just showing Major Lorne.”
“Everyone finds it eventually.”
“We’re late,” Haly said.
Faith checked her watch. “Damnit, Susan is going to have my head.”
“Bye,” Haly waved as they quickly left the room.
Faith skidded to a stop in front of Susan’s office and waved her hand over the sensor. It opened and Susan looked up from her laptop.
“You’re late,” Susan announced.
“We know,” Haly said as she found a spot on the floor in the hall in front of Susan’s door to lay on her stomach and work on pictures.
“I was adding the Aurora to the wall,” Faith said. “I didn’t realize the time.”
Susan pursed her lips. “Forgiven this time.”
“Thank you.” Faith sat down on the couch.
“Last time we were discussing your aversion to being touched,” Susan said as she moved to sit in her chair across from the couch. “Specifically your reactions.”
“Well, I don’t throw people across the room.”
“But you do pull away.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because, with very few exceptions, when someone touches me, I feel…trapped.”
“How so?”
“I’ve got three spiral fractures that pretty well answer that.”
“It was used to control you.”
“Yes.”
“Are there people for whom this feeling doesn’t manifest?”
“Carson, he always asks or explicitly states why he’s doing something. Radek doesn’t really touch so much as he hovers around me when I’m in his way. And John, he raises no feelings of panic. Teyla, she does that whole Athosian shoulder-touch-bow thing, it never worries me. Laura, she plays with my hair sometimes, moves my clothes around.” Faith looked at the door. “And Haly, of course.”
“Are there times people have touched you recently that caused that feeling?”
Faith nodded. “Lorne reached over me while I was flying the other day, it took an effort not to jump onto the console. He apologized and backed off, but I’m not sure why.”
“Perhaps he sensed your discomfort?”
She shrugged. “Colonel Caldwell bugs me. Ever since I came back from Earth, I feel like he’s reading more into my behavior, trying to figure something out. And I’ve had to keep from decking McKay on occasion, he shoves people out of the way.”
“What about Ronon?”
“He thinks a bit like I do in that regard, he’s only touched me during sparring sessions.”
“But you started therapy because of what happened during one of your first sparring sessions with him.”
Faith nodded. “Immobilized and trapped beneath the weight of a man.”
“That’s a trigger for you.” She carefully controlled her voice. “Given that information, would you say that you have avoided any sexual relationships since Robin due to that fear?”
Faith sighed. “Yes. Even before that. I never chose to sleep with a man more than once.”
“It’s interesting that you use the word ‘chose.’” Susan said. “Why is that?”
“It is the most important distinction that I have. Before I was fourteen, I didn’t choose what happened to me. Who my mom brought around, who snuck into my bed, who held me down…touched me.”
“What changed when you were fourteen?”
“Rachel, my first Watcher. She took me away from it. She never introduced me to anyone, never directed men my way…she taught me Latin and she taught me about the Slayer and the supernatural.”
“You had three years with her?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you choose when she died?”
“To run away, to California, to find the other Slayer.”
“And how did you get there?”
Faith’s jaw worked in a way that reminded Susan of John for a moment. “I became the whore my mother made me.”
“Faith…”
“I traded sex for rides, from New York to LA.”
“You were seventeen?”
“Yes.”
“But you chose not to go back to your mother.”
“If I was going to be a whore, at least I would control my own agenda.”
Susan’s mouth pinched in the corners. “And what about when you got to Sunnydale?”
“I slept with the first guy I ever had who was my age - Xander.”
“Why him?”
“I thought it was a way into the Scoobies - B’s group.”
“So you used him.”
“Right until the moment I realized that sex meant more to him. He tried to cuddle with me afterwards.”
“How did you handle that?”
“I kicked him out of my motel room in nothing but his underwear.”
“Was that the only guy you slept with in Sunnydale?”
“Really want to say yes, but…no. After the coma, I stole B’s body with a device that was left for me. My soul in her body, her soul in my body.”
Susan straightened in her chair a bit. “And you slept with someone as Buffy?”
“Her boyfriend, Riley. And he cuddled afterwards and told me he loved me - B.”
“Did you understand that?”
“Not even remotely.” Faith rubbed her face. “That was the day I hated myself. A day I really wished to die, I didn’t care if it was the Council or B or anyone else.”
“Yet you survived.”
“Instincts are a bitch,” she replied. “So I went to LA and tried to make Angel kill me.”
“How?”
“By beating Wesley within an inch of his life. I thought if men were so quick to temper, if I could piss them off just by existing when I was a child, surely a vampire would be easy enough.”
“What happened?”
“He refused to kill me, told me the only path was redemption. So I went to jail. And for a few years, I found redemption in the quiet.”
“Until Wesley came to get you out to save Angel.”
“And then the Hellmouth and Robin and-”
“Wait, Robin…what was that relationship in the context of what we’ve discussed today?”
“An attempt to connect?” She sighed. “Which was all he wanted, someone to fill in for his mommy issues.”
“Because his mother was a Slayer?”
“Yep. And she left him screwed up and I was too screwed up to see it while we were on the doorstep of war.”
“And once the war was over?”
“I slept with him once a few weeks later, realized I did it just to shut him up.”
“And there was no one after that?”
“Willow knew - I don’t know if it was something she sensed or something that she found in the Slayer line or in my head. She protected me in that way, we only took girls, all of the Watchers we were teaching were female. Only Xander and Giles were allowed to visit the House.”
“And she put all these in place for you?”
Faith nodded. “One thing Willow and I understood about each other was that the darkness wasn’t a single thing, it was series of small things that led us into hell. So she kept guys away from me and I asked if a spell was necessary before she used it.”
“And then you came to Atlantis, alone.”
“That’s the thing about Atlantis - there is no place to be alone, unless you like flooded, moldy rooms.”
“A year ago our ratio was skewed very male, we still are, how do you handle that?”
“I did what I always did, what I had to. I built a wall and kept it wrapped around me.”
“Did that work all the time?”
“No. There was an incident when I finally chose my room. Ford asked me to dinner and it was so unexpected that I had a complete meltdown.”
“Why?”
“Because men used to ask my mom to dinner while looking at me.” She rubbed her hands against her thighs. “I was a little better about my shields after that.”
“Until Ronon?”
“Most people aren’t as accomplished as he is at fighting and strategy. That I would find a human - much less a male human - who could manage to get me pinned was miniscule to my way of thinking.”
“But you did.”
“And he’s harmless, in that way…I know that. Even if I didn’t in that moment.”
“He can overpower you, that doesn’t raise feelings of anxiety?”
“I’d be stupid to say it doesn’t. But I control that.”
Susan nodded. “And when you can’t control it?”
“I leave the situation until I have me under control again.”
“What about your date with Major Lorne?”
“Susan…”
“You said that it was bad, but you never elaborated as to why it was a failure.”
Faith closed her eyes. Opening them a moment later, she sighed. “Lorne took over a position that was run by a guy who flat out hated my guts. In trying to reconcile what I was with Bates’ reports, Lorne did a thorough investigation.”
“And dinner was part of it?”
“I don’t know,” she said with a careless shrug.
“Can I postulate that the dinner was a genuine offer-”
“I lost a bet, that’s how we ended up at dinner.”
“Let’s just say the dinner was genuine. Whatever theories you have about the Major’s intentions may just be a creation of your own mind. A way to stop yourself from having a good time with him, or admitting that you were having a good time.”
“Why?”
“Because, between your friends here and your brother and Haly, you feel secure enough to try new things. The problem seems to be that while you wanted to try, you also were still trying to get out of it.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Faith told her, “Lorne and I now work on the same team, anything either of us may have been interested in has been taken off the menu.”
“Perhaps,” Susan conceded. “But I think what is holding you back is everything leading up to this. I think as much as you like to gloss over details…you need to forgive yourself. Trust that you don’t allow people into your life that are like those that hurt you as a child.” She studied Faith’s dark eyes. “You’ve accepted that not all men are like those who hurt you. However, you have not faced that you are not the - using your vocabulary - whore your mother tried to turn you into.”