One Way Mirror [Ten/Ten.5] (Sadism & Masochism)
Pairing: Ten/Ten.5
Challenge: sadism and masochism
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slightly dark
Spoilers: Journey's End
Summary: Their relationship is an abusive one, but it's hard to tell who's abusing who.
You are the same but you’re not. Two heats and one heart. An endless life and a short one. Guilt and anger, begging for pain and giving it. Centuries of memories for you both, and so many of them the same.
You can never forget that most of these memories aren’t yours.
So little of his life you don’t know about, and so little life for you to live without him. She got it wrong - all of you did. You’re not him. You never have been, yet you remember living his life, thinking his thoughts, committing his crimes. You’ve never been him but you might as well have been.
He has never been you. You remember being a Time Lord, but what does he know about being human (besides the memories of being someone else, much more human than you will ever be)? How could he know what it means to remember an eternity of life and experience while facing old age and death when your own life has barely started? (Too much knowledge, and a genius mind to keep track of the days remaining.)
He knows nothing, and he doesn’t understand.
He thinks mortality is a blessing.
You know what he thinks. What he feels. You know how his mind works because it’s all in your memories - but you are different. You’re human where he’s alien, alien where you should be human (according to her, and her judgement of you has always been terrifyingly accurate), and the person you recall being isn’t the person you are. You stopped caring that it might drive you insane and maybe it already has.
You should feel, you think, that you have an advantage over him, because you know him, perfectly, and he doesn’t know you. But you don’t. Instead you feel cheated.
He will never understand you.
He, on the other hand, resents you for knowing him so well. It scares him, and of course you know how he feels. You understand. You have no choice but to understand.
And he knows it.
You are aware that he’s using you, and that he can’t help himself, and because you understand you can never resist him. You are the only one he can turn to in need of the punishment you remember craving so desperately. The only one who knows how much he deserves it. He hates you like he hates himself, despises you for what you are, fears you for what you know, and needs you despite and because of all these things.
And while you need to hurt him as much as he needs to be hurt, you can only hope (in vain) that one day you will be strong enough to hate him for your own sake, and not for his.
Your love, however, belongs to you alone.
March 23, 2009
Challenge: sadism and masochism
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slightly dark
Spoilers: Journey's End
Summary: Their relationship is an abusive one, but it's hard to tell who's abusing who.
You are the same but you’re not. Two heats and one heart. An endless life and a short one. Guilt and anger, begging for pain and giving it. Centuries of memories for you both, and so many of them the same.
You can never forget that most of these memories aren’t yours.
So little of his life you don’t know about, and so little life for you to live without him. She got it wrong - all of you did. You’re not him. You never have been, yet you remember living his life, thinking his thoughts, committing his crimes. You’ve never been him but you might as well have been.
He has never been you. You remember being a Time Lord, but what does he know about being human (besides the memories of being someone else, much more human than you will ever be)? How could he know what it means to remember an eternity of life and experience while facing old age and death when your own life has barely started? (Too much knowledge, and a genius mind to keep track of the days remaining.)
He knows nothing, and he doesn’t understand.
He thinks mortality is a blessing.
You know what he thinks. What he feels. You know how his mind works because it’s all in your memories - but you are different. You’re human where he’s alien, alien where you should be human (according to her, and her judgement of you has always been terrifyingly accurate), and the person you recall being isn’t the person you are. You stopped caring that it might drive you insane and maybe it already has.
You should feel, you think, that you have an advantage over him, because you know him, perfectly, and he doesn’t know you. But you don’t. Instead you feel cheated.
He will never understand you.
He, on the other hand, resents you for knowing him so well. It scares him, and of course you know how he feels. You understand. You have no choice but to understand.
And he knows it.
You are aware that he’s using you, and that he can’t help himself, and because you understand you can never resist him. You are the only one he can turn to in need of the punishment you remember craving so desperately. The only one who knows how much he deserves it. He hates you like he hates himself, despises you for what you are, fears you for what you know, and needs you despite and because of all these things.
And while you need to hurt him as much as he needs to be hurt, you can only hope (in vain) that one day you will be strong enough to hate him for your own sake, and not for his.
Your love, however, belongs to you alone.
March 23, 2009