The Round Ring Of Doom FINAL PART
Title: The Round Ring of Doom
Author: Pain au Chocolat
Language: English.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fiction. Everything belongs to Akira Amano and the original plot of LotR belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. As for the crackhead bob pixie you have a certain someone else to blame!! And the fairies too, btw. I’m not the one to blame.
Rating & Warnings: R for Retarded. AU, OOC, gayness, x-over, parody, lime, grammar and spelling abuse, no sense whatsoever… KHR. Characters are OOC - I’m saying this again just in case someone missed it. This is parody and will most probably ruin the LotR for you.
Summary: It’s a KHR-fied LotR parody. Read if you can
Pairing: Squalo x Tsuna, a bit of MukuTsuna, ByaTsuna, GokuTsuna and BelTsuna.
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ventually Reborn and the others reached the Ring of Isengrad, where Genkishi had long dwelt and turned into a great fortress. Now, however, it was defeated and ruined by the Ents, and even Mukuro had to whistle with appreciation.
“Such destruction,” the wizard said admiringly, before seeing in the distance two familiar figures. Yamamoto and Lambo were at the gates, eating and drinking.
“You two bastards,” Gokudera growled as soon as they got closer. “The rest of us have been fighting a war and you two are just-“
“Don’t be jealous," Lambo said dismissively. “Wait, hold on, Mukuro!? What are you doing here?”
“Where’s Tsuna?” Yamamoto asked, concern flashing in his eyes.
“Tsunayoshi eloped with the elf,” Ryohei replied, before anyone else could. “NOTHING STOPS EXTREME LOVE!”
“Ignore him,” Reborn deadpanned. “He was born a half-wit. Moving on, let’s go talk with the local bad boy.”
“To the stairs of Orthanc, then!”
“Genkishi,” Mukuro smirked, pulling out a tube of lip gloss. “Here I come. But not in the way he wants.”
“I’ll pretend I never heard you,” Reborn told the wizard.
“Men like him turn me straight,” Spanner admitted. “Thankfully, the existence of Tsunayoshi has saved me from becoming rebelliously heterosexual.”
“What’s wrong with being straight?” Ryohei asked. “Are all men aside from me gay or something?”
“Think positively,” Reborn said. “You get all the chicks.”
“Besides, it’s not like there are many women available anyway,” Lambo drawled. “I mean, how many have been mentioned so far? Bianchi is in love with Reborn. Lal is making Colonello her bitch. Who else?”
“The Riders,” Spanner said.
“Xanxia cannot be completely a woman,” Reborn muttered. “There’s just something about her that screams ‘this one has more balls than the race of Men combined’.”
“That’s Xanxia alright,” Spanner agreed. “Thank God there’s only one of her.”
“Nana, Tsunayoshi’s mother isn’t all about peace and love either,” Reborn reminded the blond elf. “Then again, no normal woman would fall in love with Iemitsu.”
“Well, actually,” Ryohei said. “One of the Riders is pretty h-“
“What!? But isn’t your sister-“
“Not her!! I obviously meant one of her friends!”
“Yoo- hoo!” a sweet, hypnotic voice called from the tower. “You guys listening to me? A bit overdressed for the occasion, are you?”
“Who’s that?” Lambo gasped, appearing behind Reborn who considered for a split-second stabbing the idiot and calling it an accident.
“That,” Mukuro said grimly. “Is Genkishi. Our enemy.”
iles away, one of the Nine Riders sneezed.
“This goddamned ash in the air is making me consider retirement,” Hana rasped. “Why are we even chasing those two anyway? It’s not like Byakuran or Genkishi are ever going to pay us for this.”
“It’s not about boss or boss’s boss,” Nana said. “This is personal. Family business.”
“I understand,” Chrome said. “Family business is important. Which is why I have a talk scheduled with one Rokudo Mukuro.”
“It always amazes me how boldly you admit the relation,” Uni admitted. “I mean, if I had a relative like him, I would sort of consider him non-existent.”
“I tried to do that, but for some reason never succeeded. He’s a bit like an oil stain on fabric.”
“If this is personal business,” Iris said. “Then are all of us needed? I mean, no offence, but it’s time to update my implants to a newer model.”
“Hahi!? You’re going to change the shape of your boobs?” Haru asked curiously. “That’s so original!”
“I know. If an arrow hits my breast, I won’t be even hindered. There’s no weapon that can pierce through the Mithril Implants. Buy today.”
“You want to quit, then?” Nana asked. “It’s alright. I don’t think that I will need any assistance.”
“I want to continue,” Haru said immediately. “I want to see Tsuna-san! He’s sooooo dreamy.”
“The thing is that do we want to ambush him on the way to destroy the ring, or on his way back?” Hana asked. Nana pursed her lips and thought about it, before coming to the obvious conclusion.
“We’ll crash his wedding.”
“…he’s getting married?”
“Well, if that elf gets his way, then yeah.”
“That’s true,” Uni said, nodding. “The elf is so after Tsunayoshi’s butt.”
“From what I have observed so far, most men tend to be,” Hana deadpanned. “If Xanxia was a man, I bet she too would chase him with the excuse of him being her rival or something.”
“I would not, fucking trash,” Xanxia snarled. “I don’t give a damn about this shit anymore. When was the last time we killed anyone? It has been months! Just because that fucking bastard Byakuran is obsessed with the runt and the ring.”
“So you won’t be chasing them anymore either, huh,” Iris said. “Fair enough. We might as well split up. Break up. Go separate ways…”
"I know it took me two years to finally get into this team, but now I'm feeling tied down..."
"I just can’t live with the pathetic tickles that you call 'sexual thrusts' anymore…"
"Sorry girls, but it’s bye for now, maybe we have too much in common. We are too much alike."
"Really, it's not you, I'm just going through a selfish phase, girls, you know me..."
"We're not stable enough for a dog. I need to find someone else…"
“I would rather live in a stable and be a drug addict than spend another moment with the lot of you.”
“Oh, thanks, Xanxia. Love you too.”
"I really like you all, you're lovely women and we have great fun - this team just is not a long-term prospect."
“I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you - so I guess I am more of a straight woman than we thought."
“I just don’t think we’re ‘suitable’ suitable”.
"I'm making changes in my life that don't include you. I'm sorry. I love you but I'm going through a quarter life crisis right now. You know I'm not going to live much longer because all prodigies die young."
"You know how Fromm talks about love being an active process? Well, I'm afraid love didn't even grow. I'm looking for a Soulmate and none of you is that."
"I could have easily have married any one of you....maybe if we're still single in five years..."
“Yeah,” I-pin nodded finally, her voice rising above those of her peers. “I’m graduating and you never went to college, yo. I’m off to study some more and books are my love, yeah. We just aint on the same rhyme, in harmony anymore, baby.”
“Who let her rap?” Nana asked, slightly troubled, before she shook he head. “Anyway, enough talking, I have a son to change. I need to go purchase a wedding dress for Tsu-kun.”
“Hahi!? You’re going now? Can I help?”
“Of course, Haru. You can be right next to me when we crash the wedding and see how Tsu-kun embraces womanhood like he originally should have.”
Few miles away a young man shuddered, while his Intuition paled dramatically.
unnily enough, I thought that he’d be at least handsome,” Lambo said. “What’s wrong with his eyebrows? Hey, is he a Geisha? Hey, hey, Reborn, is he a Geisha? Nihihihi! He thinks he’s a woman? What a dumbass!”
“Mochida!” Théoden roared with fury, as soon as he saw his ex-servant standing behind Genkishi. “Put your shirt on right now, young man!”
“But boss said that I was overdress-”
“Now, I said!”
“Possessive one, isn’t he,” Spanner muttered quietly.
“Join me and Mochida will be yours,” Genkishi yelled, looking at the king. A few well-presented threats from Reborn prevented Théoden from accepting the offer, which displeased the former White Wizard greatly. He looked at Mukuro with evident disdain, before speaking.
“I won’t even try to convert you to my noble cause.”
“The only cause I’m loyal to is the one that aims towards Tsunayoshi’s pants! Give up, you fool!”
“Never!”
“Fine. Stay there then. Locked up and guarded by Ents. We are going to Rohan and get the party started.”
“We are?” Théoden asked curiously, and Mukuro - after a second of looking unsure - nodded.
“We are.”
“Actually,” Reborn said flatly. “We’re going to Minas Tirith.”
“But that’s in Gondor!” Lambo protested. “What if Hibari is there!?”
“Hibari’s dead, isn’t he?”
“Nothing kills evil such as Hibari! Nothing!”
“Such confidence he has in our fallen comrade,” Mukuro sniffed. “Truly admirable! Shame on you, Reborn, for the doubt!”
“I thought you hated Hibari.”
“Yes. But I don’t speak ill of the dead. Well okay, not always anyway.”
“But didn’t you just say that he isn’t- Oh fine, whatever. I don’t want to know. Théoden, send a word to get the Rohanian army gathered and then we’ll just… go.”
“Will it really be soon over?” Mukuro sighed dreamily. “My precious Tsunayoshi will destroy the Ring and we’ll destroy the orcs, and then I’ll marry him and-“
“And Iemitsu will skin you alive.”
“Ahahaha, he won’t be the only one trying to do that,” Yamamoto said cheerfully in a way that made Mukuro shudder. Who knew that the idiot could be so creepy?
“Anyway,” Reborn drawled. “Now focus. We have a war to win.”
t was slightly disappointing that the Orcs were too busy preparing to start a war with Gondor to pay attention to Tsunayoshi who nonchalantly wandered towards the Mount of Doom.
“I feel like something should stop us,” Tsunayoshi whispered to Squalo. “Like, a giant spider or something. My intuition is telling me that whatever plot we might have had at some point, just self-combusted. It’s as if…”
“As if what?”
“As if whoever started this shit has no idea about how to end it.”
“Wars and stories are like that,” Squalo replied wisely. “Starting is easy, and then it goes to hell. All of it. The vague ideas disappear, the red line is lost and original purpose becomes secondary.”
“You’ve lived through many wars?” Tsunayoshi asked. “How old are you?”
“Erm… is that necessary? I mean, age is a sensitive issue…”
‘I just want to know if you’re too old for me,’ Tsunayoshi thought, and blushed. “I just… was curious.”
“Oh..."
"Have you ever thought about having a relationship with someone who wasn't an elf?" Tsunayoshi blurted, and then blushed furiously.
'NOOOO,' the Ring, Belphegor, wailed. 'Come on, for fuck's sake! You can't seriously consider shagging him! He's too loud! You bang him once and the whole of Middle-Earth will hear it!' The words would have made Tsunayoshi blush even more, had that even been possible.
"I am certain that someone somewhere has somehow found a way around that silly obstacle called mortality," Squalo replied in an oddly subdued manner. His silver eyes were sparkling with what could have either been tears or just insufferable amounts of smugness. 'SCORE! He's sooo mine, bitches!'
"Oh, well," Tsunayoshi coughed, looking elsewhere. "You are yet to tell me, though, if you actually have thought about starting a relationship with someone who wasn't an elf."
"I have," Squalo replied firmly, staring at Tsunayoshi in an Extremely Intense Manner. It was as if he was undressing Tsunayoshi with his eyes, which was oddly enough not all that unpleasant in the brunet’s opinion. "Ever since I met you, I have thought of nothing but."
"Me?" Tsunayoshi gasped, and random roses started sprouting from the ground. "You have thought about having a relationship with me?"
"I must admit to being very tempted," Squalo confessed. "You are a very exceptional young man, Sawada Tsunayoshi."
"Oh," the brunet sighed happily, and looked down at his feet. Few orcs walked past them, speaking of war and killing Men and how to swing a sword made of metal, but no one really paid them any attention. Well, okay, one orc glanced at them and was almost blinded by the shoujo bubbles.
"I cannot help wonder how it would be to spend the rest of my life with you," Squalo continued. In for a penny, in for a pound after all. He had nothing to lose, right? "How it would feel to wake up in the morning and see you before anyone else. How it would be to hold you near, kiss your lips and know that no one else will stand between us."
"Oh my God," Tsunayoshi gasped, tears in his eyes. "R-really? B-but I'm just me, you know. You might think that I'm remarkable and did a hero's task by aiming to destroy this ring, but truly, it was forced upon me. I'm not the hero you think I am! I didn't want to do this."
"And yet you did," Squalo said softly. "And yet you acted bravely and care with us this far. You didn't run away."
'Better not tell him the real reasons for that,' Tsunayoshi thought, thinking of how he wasn't exactly given any opportunities to ditch the Fellowship and save his skin. "So, you..."
"I adore you," the elf stated, and roses started sprouting from the ground around him as well. "I like you very much. I might even love you, I'm not sure about that bit yet. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"The others will never accept us," Tsunayoshi told him tearfully. "What if my father forces us to go through the Romeo and Juliet phase? We'll have mountains of disapprovals and obstacles!"
"The biggest obstacle of love is the fear of not being loved in return," Squalo said, thinking that Iemitsu would probably just be happy that it wasn't Mukuro that Tsunayoshi had ended up with. "It doesn't matter what kind of future I have, but for certain, you'll be in it."
"Oh this is so unbearably romantic," Tsunayoshi sighed.
'I could be willing to cooperate,' Belphegor suddenly said. 'I'll be your wedding ring and you'll wear me always. That's way better than throwing me into the Mount of Doom.'
'Not bloody likely,' Tsunayoshi thought. 'I know that as long as this Evil Ring ™ exists, Byakuran could return.'
'Yeah, well. I promise that I won't help him return. I won't. I mean, have you ever seen that guy naked? Well, obviously not, but let me tell you that while he physically might be attractive, I find no appeal in a man who does things with marshmallows.'
Tsunayoshi did not want to know what the hell his number one enemy was doing with marshmallows.
"And your feelings, Tsunayoshi?" Squalo asked, still being uncharacteristically quiet. "I have told you how I feel. Do I dare to believe that you feel the same?"
"I do," the brunet replied immediately, looking up at the tall elf. "I do. You're hotter than boiled water. You're hotter than a midsummer day in Istanbul. You're... you're like no one else I have ever met in my life."
"And can you spend the rest of your life with me?" Squalo asked nervously. "I mean, just in case, maybe we could get married in the near future. That is, if you agree."
"I do," Tsunayoshi whispered, the roses around them turning into cherry trees. "Oh, I have never been happier. It's as if all of my dreams are coming true."
"We will first get rid of the ring," Squalo decided. "And then I will introduce some Elven customs. There's this one about checking whether or not the bride's body is what the groom desires and vice versa. We could save the world quickly and then go into some cave and get that duty done. You know, just to uphold old traditions."
"Yes," Tsunayoshi nodded. "It makes sense. But first, I must demand that you propose to me properly. I mean, all you have been saying has pretty much consisted of implications and circling around the main issue. I don't want to sound needy or anything, but I really would like a nicely thought-out proposal." Squalo's expression softened and he nodded. After a moment of thinking, the silver-haired elf plucked out a few roses from the ground and a branch of the cherry tree, stuck them together into what looked like a very misshapen bouquet, before kneeling in front of his waiting future spouse.
"Sawada Tsunayoshi," Squalo said with utter seriousness. "I am neither rich or sparkly, but I'm hot as hell. Will you give me the honour of being the Bella to my Edward?"
"That phrasing sucks," Tsunayoshi whispered, tears falling. "But yes, my love. Oh yes."
f anyone has a plan, this would be the time to reveal it," Reborn said. They had reached Gondor a bit before the orcs arrived to surround them. If rumours - or, well, Mukuro's information network - wasn't on drugs and telling tales, there were even more orcs on their way towards Gondor. In short, they were in deep shit.
"We need a miracle," Lambo sniffled. "I don't want to die. I'm young and beautiful and I haven't even pierced my bellybutton yet."
"Who cares abut your bellybutton?” Gokudera snarled. “You're an idiot. It pisses me off that you can breathe the same air I do.”
“Don’t worry, he doesn’t mean it,” Yamamoto assured Lambo, who was sobbing now. “He says that to me as well, you see.”
“I do fucking mean it you airhead!” Gokudera howled.
“NO!” Mukuro suddenly shrieked, and collapsed on the ground. “Oh my God. How… how unbearable! How terrible!”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Reborn asked flatly, turning from observing the orcs to stare at the twitching wizard.
“I felt a moment of darkness overwhelm my heart,” Mukuro replied with dismay. “It’s as if…”
“Byakuran is back?” Théoden asked with concern.
“Orcs got a brain?”
“There’s a dragon flying this way?”
“Worse,” Mukuro said. “It’s as if someone proposed to Tsunayoshi.” The silence after this declaration was loud enough to hide the sound of several hearts breaking.
“You cannot be serious,” Spanner deadpanned. “That’s ridiculous!”
“My sentiments exactly,” Gokudera nodded. “Tenth isn’t going to get married without my approval.”
“And you will only approve of yourself, isn’t that right?” Lambo said, before ducking to avoid the flying dynamite-sticks. “Testy, testy!”
“The orcs are attacking!” someone shrieked, and Reborn turned again to see that indeed, the enemies were attacking the city gate with a huge ram. It wouldn’t take long before the orcs would manage to break it open.
“That breaks and we go to hell,” Mukuro groaned. “Hey, do you folks seriously expect me to go and risk my life? Tsuna-chan isn’t here to see me being a hero! What’s the point!?”
“The point would be ensuring that we all live long enough to see Tsunayoshi again,” Reborn growled. And just when the armies of Mordor that were attacking the gates with their great ram managed to break through, the horns of Rohan ring in the distance.
“Hallelujah!” Lambo crowed.
And then, it was just plain old war. Living things ending up dead quickly and messily, living things swinging swords made of metal as much as they could, a few undead things running around trying to be as much of a general pain in the ass as possible, and someone stealing random gropes whenever he could.
“That hand better not be yours, Mukuro!”
“What the hell, gay wizard!? Hands off!”
“Whoever is trying to grab my arse should think twice before doing so.”
“UNHAND MY CROTCH AT ONCE!”
“Kufufufu, amateurs. This is just my energy-restoring technique to keep my magic going on strong. I don’t like you, but a fit male body is a fit male body. And stimulation-”
“There are plenty fit, male bodies all around us! The dead! The dead don’t say no!”
“Are you encouraging necrophilia to take place, Strider?”
“We’re losing! LOL!”
“You mean SOS!”
“Whichever saves us first!”
There didn’t seem to be an end to the army of enemies. For every orc they killed, there seemed to be ten ready to attack. Reborn had never killed as many orcs as on that day. He absently wondered how Tsunayoshi was doing.
“We need some new weapon and quickly,” Théoden rasped. “Strider! Do something!”
“Do you expect me to somehow pull a goddamned army out of my ass?” Reborn snarled. “Or do you think that I can just whistle and a dead army under my command sails down the river and join the war, thus ensuring us victory?”
And right then somewhere, a unicorn was probably born.
A fleet of ships of Umbar sailed up the Anduin, and instead of it bearing enemies of Gondor, it carried within ghost-like creatures that, after a bit of random back-ground explaining and identity assurances, joined the battle with much happiness at being able to serve the King of Gondor one more time before moving on to afterlife.
“If you can do that without whistling, even, I don’t want to know what you can pull out of your ass,” Lambo said, awed.
“Impressive,” Mukuro muttered, staring at Reborn’s ass with new respect. “Truly, impressive. May I offer a handshake to your ass?”
Reborn, on his part, had never felt so violated in his life.
y Intuition just told me that Byakuran’s army has been slain,” Tsunayoshi suddenly said. “They attacked Gondor, and army that had something to do with Reborn’s ass got involved.”
“I didn’t know Strider to be as vulgar as to include asses in the war.”
“Reborn is a bit of a mystery, really. No one knows his reasons and no one can predict what he’ll do next.”
Squalo and Tsunayoshi were walking side by side, hands clasped together. They were a sickeningly sweet sight and the few squirrels that saw the two got enough cavities for a whole colony.
“After we’re done with this,” Tsunayoshi started shyly. “Where will we go then?”
“To meet the others. I’m sure they’re still in… well, your Intuition will lead us to them. You mentioned Gondor, right? We’ll go there, then,” Squalo replied. His new fiancé smiled and nodded, before suddenly remembering something else.
“Oh, by the way, do you have any idea where Levi vanished to?”
“I don’t know. Methinks the authoress forgot about him and is trying to now somehow cover up for that fact,” Squalo said disapprovingly. “What a waste of space.”
“Which one?”
“Both, if we want to be honest.” Tsunayoshi glowed in happiness, finally feeling as if all the trouble he had gone through was worth the effort. Had he not been forced to take on this mission, he would have still been deep inside a well-crafted closet.
The two followed an orc-road for a while, to reach the Mount of Doom. By following the orc-road they had made much faster progress than by going straight across the barren country, filled with rocks and crevices. But at last they had to leave the road and turn directly towards the Mountain, and after that it was a matter of hours before reaching the destination.
“Does the ring weight heavily on you?” Squalo asked, worried. Tsunayoshi shook his head, smiling gently.
“No,” he said. ‘Not in the way you think, at least, and I’m not going to tell you that an inanimate object has offered to be a cockring just to spare its life. Tsk. Years ago, during the good old times, villains used to have a bit of dignity.’ “You being with me here has helped me more than I can ever say.”
“I’m glad,” Squalo replied, trying to not make any kind of victory dance - he even held back his squeals and giggles. Meanwhile somewhere in the UK, a girl was showered by naked Squalo-toys, each nosebleeding with happiness.
Since the movement of walking forward tends to take people forward, they eventually reached the the Sammath Naur, the Chambers of Fire, wherein Tsunayoshi was to dispose of the Ring.
‘Have mercy! Have mercy!’ Belphegor was begging. ‘I’m too beautiful to die!’
“Can I ask you something?” Tsunayoshi started, looking at Squalo with a slight blush adorning his cheeks and completely ignoring the whimpers of the Evil Object™.
“Anything,” Squalo replied quietly, leaning forward.
“It’s not my birthday, but kiss me anyway?”
“Hell yes.”
It was a gentle, lingering touch of the lips. It was long enough to give Tsunayoshi that tingling in the tummy sensation, but short enough to leave him wanting more. It was sweet and too innocent for two people to share in a place such as their. Too tender in the hard world, too-
Tsunayoshi sighed, content, and a screaming ring fell from his hand into the pit.
hings changed quickly after the Round Ring of Doom was destroyed, and with it Byakuran’s last hope of revival.
Sawada Tsunayoshi found his Happily Ever After with Superbi Squalo, who didn’t manage to solve the immortality problem and decided to become a mortal instead. The technicalities of how exactly that happened are still unknown, and probably will remain so.
Mukuro ended up being the Travelling Court Magician who had what one could call a harem of bewitched lovers, all of which looked remarkably like a certain main character. The main character - he wanted to remain anonymous for the sake of this ending - threatened to cut off Mukuro’s tongue if it didn’t stop wagging anytime soon.
Yamamoto Takeshi decided to revamp his image and started by adopting a golden-eyed tennis-player from another dimension who insisted on being called Ryoma. Lambo never approved of this odd development, and decided to move out of their shared house in the Shire, opting to become a hooker instead.
Reborn became a King, after various little complications, least of which was not Bianchi’s harassment and its sequences. Ryohei tracked down the Rider who stole his heart and after a few years of bloodshed and murder attempts, Hana agreed to go on a date with him, as long as Kyoko would be present as well. Ryohei was happy.
Gokudera Hayato became a nun and a professional stalker, and was known for starting fights with Superbi Squalo. Iemitsu found Nana eventually - well, more like she found him when she crashed her son’s wedding - and they came to a flexible compromise of keeping Tsunayoshi as a boy as long as they were capable of working on providing a little sister to him as well.
Levi became a photographer.
All was well.
THE END
OMAKE:
Byakuran stared at the world beneath with one eye - it's not like he physically had anything else. If all went according to plan, then he could start prancing around naked like he always wanted.
Till then, he'd be content watching. Watching Tsunayoshi go to sleep and wake up. Watching Tsunayoshi shower, brush his teeth and eat breakfast. Watching Tsunayoshi dressing and undressing.
Yes.
Byakuran was always watching.
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A/N: HAAAAH!!! It’s over!!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Author: Pain au Chocolat
Language: English.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fiction. Everything belongs to Akira Amano and the original plot of LotR belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. As for the crackhead bob pixie you have a certain someone else to blame!! And the fairies too, btw. I’m not the one to blame.
Rating & Warnings: R for Retarded. AU, OOC, gayness, x-over, parody, lime, grammar and spelling abuse, no sense whatsoever… KHR. Characters are OOC - I’m saying this again just in case someone missed it. This is parody and will most probably ruin the LotR for you.
Summary: It’s a KHR-fied LotR parody. Read if you can
Pairing: Squalo x Tsuna, a bit of MukuTsuna, ByaTsuna, GokuTsuna and BelTsuna.
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ventually Reborn and the others reached the Ring of Isengrad, where Genkishi had long dwelt and turned into a great fortress. Now, however, it was defeated and ruined by the Ents, and even Mukuro had to whistle with appreciation.
“Such destruction,” the wizard said admiringly, before seeing in the distance two familiar figures. Yamamoto and Lambo were at the gates, eating and drinking.
“You two bastards,” Gokudera growled as soon as they got closer. “The rest of us have been fighting a war and you two are just-“
“Don’t be jealous," Lambo said dismissively. “Wait, hold on, Mukuro!? What are you doing here?”
“Where’s Tsuna?” Yamamoto asked, concern flashing in his eyes.
“Tsunayoshi eloped with the elf,” Ryohei replied, before anyone else could. “NOTHING STOPS EXTREME LOVE!”
“Ignore him,” Reborn deadpanned. “He was born a half-wit. Moving on, let’s go talk with the local bad boy.”
“To the stairs of Orthanc, then!”
“Genkishi,” Mukuro smirked, pulling out a tube of lip gloss. “Here I come. But not in the way he wants.”
“I’ll pretend I never heard you,” Reborn told the wizard.
“Men like him turn me straight,” Spanner admitted. “Thankfully, the existence of Tsunayoshi has saved me from becoming rebelliously heterosexual.”
“What’s wrong with being straight?” Ryohei asked. “Are all men aside from me gay or something?”
“Think positively,” Reborn said. “You get all the chicks.”
“Besides, it’s not like there are many women available anyway,” Lambo drawled. “I mean, how many have been mentioned so far? Bianchi is in love with Reborn. Lal is making Colonello her bitch. Who else?”
“The Riders,” Spanner said.
“Xanxia cannot be completely a woman,” Reborn muttered. “There’s just something about her that screams ‘this one has more balls than the race of Men combined’.”
“That’s Xanxia alright,” Spanner agreed. “Thank God there’s only one of her.”
“Nana, Tsunayoshi’s mother isn’t all about peace and love either,” Reborn reminded the blond elf. “Then again, no normal woman would fall in love with Iemitsu.”
“Well, actually,” Ryohei said. “One of the Riders is pretty h-“
“What!? But isn’t your sister-“
“Not her!! I obviously meant one of her friends!”
“Yoo- hoo!” a sweet, hypnotic voice called from the tower. “You guys listening to me? A bit overdressed for the occasion, are you?”
“Who’s that?” Lambo gasped, appearing behind Reborn who considered for a split-second stabbing the idiot and calling it an accident.
“That,” Mukuro said grimly. “Is Genkishi. Our enemy.”
iles away, one of the Nine Riders sneezed.
“This goddamned ash in the air is making me consider retirement,” Hana rasped. “Why are we even chasing those two anyway? It’s not like Byakuran or Genkishi are ever going to pay us for this.”
“It’s not about boss or boss’s boss,” Nana said. “This is personal. Family business.”
“I understand,” Chrome said. “Family business is important. Which is why I have a talk scheduled with one Rokudo Mukuro.”
“It always amazes me how boldly you admit the relation,” Uni admitted. “I mean, if I had a relative like him, I would sort of consider him non-existent.”
“I tried to do that, but for some reason never succeeded. He’s a bit like an oil stain on fabric.”
“If this is personal business,” Iris said. “Then are all of us needed? I mean, no offence, but it’s time to update my implants to a newer model.”
“Hahi!? You’re going to change the shape of your boobs?” Haru asked curiously. “That’s so original!”
“I know. If an arrow hits my breast, I won’t be even hindered. There’s no weapon that can pierce through the Mithril Implants. Buy today.”
“You want to quit, then?” Nana asked. “It’s alright. I don’t think that I will need any assistance.”
“I want to continue,” Haru said immediately. “I want to see Tsuna-san! He’s sooooo dreamy.”
“The thing is that do we want to ambush him on the way to destroy the ring, or on his way back?” Hana asked. Nana pursed her lips and thought about it, before coming to the obvious conclusion.
“We’ll crash his wedding.”
“…he’s getting married?”
“Well, if that elf gets his way, then yeah.”
“That’s true,” Uni said, nodding. “The elf is so after Tsunayoshi’s butt.”
“From what I have observed so far, most men tend to be,” Hana deadpanned. “If Xanxia was a man, I bet she too would chase him with the excuse of him being her rival or something.”
“I would not, fucking trash,” Xanxia snarled. “I don’t give a damn about this shit anymore. When was the last time we killed anyone? It has been months! Just because that fucking bastard Byakuran is obsessed with the runt and the ring.”
“So you won’t be chasing them anymore either, huh,” Iris said. “Fair enough. We might as well split up. Break up. Go separate ways…”
"I know it took me two years to finally get into this team, but now I'm feeling tied down..."
"I just can’t live with the pathetic tickles that you call 'sexual thrusts' anymore…"
"Sorry girls, but it’s bye for now, maybe we have too much in common. We are too much alike."
"Really, it's not you, I'm just going through a selfish phase, girls, you know me..."
"We're not stable enough for a dog. I need to find someone else…"
“I would rather live in a stable and be a drug addict than spend another moment with the lot of you.”
“Oh, thanks, Xanxia. Love you too.”
"I really like you all, you're lovely women and we have great fun - this team just is not a long-term prospect."
“I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you - so I guess I am more of a straight woman than we thought."
“I just don’t think we’re ‘suitable’ suitable”.
"I'm making changes in my life that don't include you. I'm sorry. I love you but I'm going through a quarter life crisis right now. You know I'm not going to live much longer because all prodigies die young."
"You know how Fromm talks about love being an active process? Well, I'm afraid love didn't even grow. I'm looking for a Soulmate and none of you is that."
"I could have easily have married any one of you....maybe if we're still single in five years..."
“Yeah,” I-pin nodded finally, her voice rising above those of her peers. “I’m graduating and you never went to college, yo. I’m off to study some more and books are my love, yeah. We just aint on the same rhyme, in harmony anymore, baby.”
“Who let her rap?” Nana asked, slightly troubled, before she shook he head. “Anyway, enough talking, I have a son to change. I need to go purchase a wedding dress for Tsu-kun.”
“Hahi!? You’re going now? Can I help?”
“Of course, Haru. You can be right next to me when we crash the wedding and see how Tsu-kun embraces womanhood like he originally should have.”
Few miles away a young man shuddered, while his Intuition paled dramatically.
unnily enough, I thought that he’d be at least handsome,” Lambo said. “What’s wrong with his eyebrows? Hey, is he a Geisha? Hey, hey, Reborn, is he a Geisha? Nihihihi! He thinks he’s a woman? What a dumbass!”
“Mochida!” Théoden roared with fury, as soon as he saw his ex-servant standing behind Genkishi. “Put your shirt on right now, young man!”
“But boss said that I was overdress-”
“Now, I said!”
“Possessive one, isn’t he,” Spanner muttered quietly.
“Join me and Mochida will be yours,” Genkishi yelled, looking at the king. A few well-presented threats from Reborn prevented Théoden from accepting the offer, which displeased the former White Wizard greatly. He looked at Mukuro with evident disdain, before speaking.
“I won’t even try to convert you to my noble cause.”
“The only cause I’m loyal to is the one that aims towards Tsunayoshi’s pants! Give up, you fool!”
“Never!”
“Fine. Stay there then. Locked up and guarded by Ents. We are going to Rohan and get the party started.”
“We are?” Théoden asked curiously, and Mukuro - after a second of looking unsure - nodded.
“We are.”
“Actually,” Reborn said flatly. “We’re going to Minas Tirith.”
“But that’s in Gondor!” Lambo protested. “What if Hibari is there!?”
“Hibari’s dead, isn’t he?”
“Nothing kills evil such as Hibari! Nothing!”
“Such confidence he has in our fallen comrade,” Mukuro sniffed. “Truly admirable! Shame on you, Reborn, for the doubt!”
“I thought you hated Hibari.”
“Yes. But I don’t speak ill of the dead. Well okay, not always anyway.”
“But didn’t you just say that he isn’t- Oh fine, whatever. I don’t want to know. Théoden, send a word to get the Rohanian army gathered and then we’ll just… go.”
“Will it really be soon over?” Mukuro sighed dreamily. “My precious Tsunayoshi will destroy the Ring and we’ll destroy the orcs, and then I’ll marry him and-“
“And Iemitsu will skin you alive.”
“Ahahaha, he won’t be the only one trying to do that,” Yamamoto said cheerfully in a way that made Mukuro shudder. Who knew that the idiot could be so creepy?
“Anyway,” Reborn drawled. “Now focus. We have a war to win.”
t was slightly disappointing that the Orcs were too busy preparing to start a war with Gondor to pay attention to Tsunayoshi who nonchalantly wandered towards the Mount of Doom.
“I feel like something should stop us,” Tsunayoshi whispered to Squalo. “Like, a giant spider or something. My intuition is telling me that whatever plot we might have had at some point, just self-combusted. It’s as if…”
“As if what?”
“As if whoever started this shit has no idea about how to end it.”
“Wars and stories are like that,” Squalo replied wisely. “Starting is easy, and then it goes to hell. All of it. The vague ideas disappear, the red line is lost and original purpose becomes secondary.”
“You’ve lived through many wars?” Tsunayoshi asked. “How old are you?”
“Erm… is that necessary? I mean, age is a sensitive issue…”
‘I just want to know if you’re too old for me,’ Tsunayoshi thought, and blushed. “I just… was curious.”
“Oh..."
"Have you ever thought about having a relationship with someone who wasn't an elf?" Tsunayoshi blurted, and then blushed furiously.
'NOOOO,' the Ring, Belphegor, wailed. 'Come on, for fuck's sake! You can't seriously consider shagging him! He's too loud! You bang him once and the whole of Middle-Earth will hear it!' The words would have made Tsunayoshi blush even more, had that even been possible.
"I am certain that someone somewhere has somehow found a way around that silly obstacle called mortality," Squalo replied in an oddly subdued manner. His silver eyes were sparkling with what could have either been tears or just insufferable amounts of smugness. 'SCORE! He's sooo mine, bitches!'
"Oh, well," Tsunayoshi coughed, looking elsewhere. "You are yet to tell me, though, if you actually have thought about starting a relationship with someone who wasn't an elf."
"I have," Squalo replied firmly, staring at Tsunayoshi in an Extremely Intense Manner. It was as if he was undressing Tsunayoshi with his eyes, which was oddly enough not all that unpleasant in the brunet’s opinion. "Ever since I met you, I have thought of nothing but."
"Me?" Tsunayoshi gasped, and random roses started sprouting from the ground. "You have thought about having a relationship with me?"
"I must admit to being very tempted," Squalo confessed. "You are a very exceptional young man, Sawada Tsunayoshi."
"Oh," the brunet sighed happily, and looked down at his feet. Few orcs walked past them, speaking of war and killing Men and how to swing a sword made of metal, but no one really paid them any attention. Well, okay, one orc glanced at them and was almost blinded by the shoujo bubbles.
"I cannot help wonder how it would be to spend the rest of my life with you," Squalo continued. In for a penny, in for a pound after all. He had nothing to lose, right? "How it would feel to wake up in the morning and see you before anyone else. How it would be to hold you near, kiss your lips and know that no one else will stand between us."
"Oh my God," Tsunayoshi gasped, tears in his eyes. "R-really? B-but I'm just me, you know. You might think that I'm remarkable and did a hero's task by aiming to destroy this ring, but truly, it was forced upon me. I'm not the hero you think I am! I didn't want to do this."
"And yet you did," Squalo said softly. "And yet you acted bravely and care with us this far. You didn't run away."
'Better not tell him the real reasons for that,' Tsunayoshi thought, thinking of how he wasn't exactly given any opportunities to ditch the Fellowship and save his skin. "So, you..."
"I adore you," the elf stated, and roses started sprouting from the ground around him as well. "I like you very much. I might even love you, I'm not sure about that bit yet. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"The others will never accept us," Tsunayoshi told him tearfully. "What if my father forces us to go through the Romeo and Juliet phase? We'll have mountains of disapprovals and obstacles!"
"The biggest obstacle of love is the fear of not being loved in return," Squalo said, thinking that Iemitsu would probably just be happy that it wasn't Mukuro that Tsunayoshi had ended up with. "It doesn't matter what kind of future I have, but for certain, you'll be in it."
"Oh this is so unbearably romantic," Tsunayoshi sighed.
'I could be willing to cooperate,' Belphegor suddenly said. 'I'll be your wedding ring and you'll wear me always. That's way better than throwing me into the Mount of Doom.'
'Not bloody likely,' Tsunayoshi thought. 'I know that as long as this Evil Ring ™ exists, Byakuran could return.'
'Yeah, well. I promise that I won't help him return. I won't. I mean, have you ever seen that guy naked? Well, obviously not, but let me tell you that while he physically might be attractive, I find no appeal in a man who does things with marshmallows.'
Tsunayoshi did not want to know what the hell his number one enemy was doing with marshmallows.
"And your feelings, Tsunayoshi?" Squalo asked, still being uncharacteristically quiet. "I have told you how I feel. Do I dare to believe that you feel the same?"
"I do," the brunet replied immediately, looking up at the tall elf. "I do. You're hotter than boiled water. You're hotter than a midsummer day in Istanbul. You're... you're like no one else I have ever met in my life."
"And can you spend the rest of your life with me?" Squalo asked nervously. "I mean, just in case, maybe we could get married in the near future. That is, if you agree."
"I do," Tsunayoshi whispered, the roses around them turning into cherry trees. "Oh, I have never been happier. It's as if all of my dreams are coming true."
"We will first get rid of the ring," Squalo decided. "And then I will introduce some Elven customs. There's this one about checking whether or not the bride's body is what the groom desires and vice versa. We could save the world quickly and then go into some cave and get that duty done. You know, just to uphold old traditions."
"Yes," Tsunayoshi nodded. "It makes sense. But first, I must demand that you propose to me properly. I mean, all you have been saying has pretty much consisted of implications and circling around the main issue. I don't want to sound needy or anything, but I really would like a nicely thought-out proposal." Squalo's expression softened and he nodded. After a moment of thinking, the silver-haired elf plucked out a few roses from the ground and a branch of the cherry tree, stuck them together into what looked like a very misshapen bouquet, before kneeling in front of his waiting future spouse.
"Sawada Tsunayoshi," Squalo said with utter seriousness. "I am neither rich or sparkly, but I'm hot as hell. Will you give me the honour of being the Bella to my Edward?"
"That phrasing sucks," Tsunayoshi whispered, tears falling. "But yes, my love. Oh yes."
f anyone has a plan, this would be the time to reveal it," Reborn said. They had reached Gondor a bit before the orcs arrived to surround them. If rumours - or, well, Mukuro's information network - wasn't on drugs and telling tales, there were even more orcs on their way towards Gondor. In short, they were in deep shit.
"We need a miracle," Lambo sniffled. "I don't want to die. I'm young and beautiful and I haven't even pierced my bellybutton yet."
"Who cares abut your bellybutton?” Gokudera snarled. “You're an idiot. It pisses me off that you can breathe the same air I do.”
“Don’t worry, he doesn’t mean it,” Yamamoto assured Lambo, who was sobbing now. “He says that to me as well, you see.”
“I do fucking mean it you airhead!” Gokudera howled.
“NO!” Mukuro suddenly shrieked, and collapsed on the ground. “Oh my God. How… how unbearable! How terrible!”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Reborn asked flatly, turning from observing the orcs to stare at the twitching wizard.
“I felt a moment of darkness overwhelm my heart,” Mukuro replied with dismay. “It’s as if…”
“Byakuran is back?” Théoden asked with concern.
“Orcs got a brain?”
“There’s a dragon flying this way?”
“Worse,” Mukuro said. “It’s as if someone proposed to Tsunayoshi.” The silence after this declaration was loud enough to hide the sound of several hearts breaking.
“You cannot be serious,” Spanner deadpanned. “That’s ridiculous!”
“My sentiments exactly,” Gokudera nodded. “Tenth isn’t going to get married without my approval.”
“And you will only approve of yourself, isn’t that right?” Lambo said, before ducking to avoid the flying dynamite-sticks. “Testy, testy!”
“The orcs are attacking!” someone shrieked, and Reborn turned again to see that indeed, the enemies were attacking the city gate with a huge ram. It wouldn’t take long before the orcs would manage to break it open.
“That breaks and we go to hell,” Mukuro groaned. “Hey, do you folks seriously expect me to go and risk my life? Tsuna-chan isn’t here to see me being a hero! What’s the point!?”
“The point would be ensuring that we all live long enough to see Tsunayoshi again,” Reborn growled. And just when the armies of Mordor that were attacking the gates with their great ram managed to break through, the horns of Rohan ring in the distance.
“Hallelujah!” Lambo crowed.
And then, it was just plain old war. Living things ending up dead quickly and messily, living things swinging swords made of metal as much as they could, a few undead things running around trying to be as much of a general pain in the ass as possible, and someone stealing random gropes whenever he could.
“That hand better not be yours, Mukuro!”
“What the hell, gay wizard!? Hands off!”
“Whoever is trying to grab my arse should think twice before doing so.”
“UNHAND MY CROTCH AT ONCE!”
“Kufufufu, amateurs. This is just my energy-restoring technique to keep my magic going on strong. I don’t like you, but a fit male body is a fit male body. And stimulation-”
“There are plenty fit, male bodies all around us! The dead! The dead don’t say no!”
“Are you encouraging necrophilia to take place, Strider?”
“We’re losing! LOL!”
“You mean SOS!”
“Whichever saves us first!”
There didn’t seem to be an end to the army of enemies. For every orc they killed, there seemed to be ten ready to attack. Reborn had never killed as many orcs as on that day. He absently wondered how Tsunayoshi was doing.
“We need some new weapon and quickly,” Théoden rasped. “Strider! Do something!”
“Do you expect me to somehow pull a goddamned army out of my ass?” Reborn snarled. “Or do you think that I can just whistle and a dead army under my command sails down the river and join the war, thus ensuring us victory?”
And right then somewhere, a unicorn was probably born.
A fleet of ships of Umbar sailed up the Anduin, and instead of it bearing enemies of Gondor, it carried within ghost-like creatures that, after a bit of random back-ground explaining and identity assurances, joined the battle with much happiness at being able to serve the King of Gondor one more time before moving on to afterlife.
“If you can do that without whistling, even, I don’t want to know what you can pull out of your ass,” Lambo said, awed.
“Impressive,” Mukuro muttered, staring at Reborn’s ass with new respect. “Truly, impressive. May I offer a handshake to your ass?”
Reborn, on his part, had never felt so violated in his life.
y Intuition just told me that Byakuran’s army has been slain,” Tsunayoshi suddenly said. “They attacked Gondor, and army that had something to do with Reborn’s ass got involved.”
“I didn’t know Strider to be as vulgar as to include asses in the war.”
“Reborn is a bit of a mystery, really. No one knows his reasons and no one can predict what he’ll do next.”
Squalo and Tsunayoshi were walking side by side, hands clasped together. They were a sickeningly sweet sight and the few squirrels that saw the two got enough cavities for a whole colony.
“After we’re done with this,” Tsunayoshi started shyly. “Where will we go then?”
“To meet the others. I’m sure they’re still in… well, your Intuition will lead us to them. You mentioned Gondor, right? We’ll go there, then,” Squalo replied. His new fiancé smiled and nodded, before suddenly remembering something else.
“Oh, by the way, do you have any idea where Levi vanished to?”
“I don’t know. Methinks the authoress forgot about him and is trying to now somehow cover up for that fact,” Squalo said disapprovingly. “What a waste of space.”
“Which one?”
“Both, if we want to be honest.” Tsunayoshi glowed in happiness, finally feeling as if all the trouble he had gone through was worth the effort. Had he not been forced to take on this mission, he would have still been deep inside a well-crafted closet.
The two followed an orc-road for a while, to reach the Mount of Doom. By following the orc-road they had made much faster progress than by going straight across the barren country, filled with rocks and crevices. But at last they had to leave the road and turn directly towards the Mountain, and after that it was a matter of hours before reaching the destination.
“Does the ring weight heavily on you?” Squalo asked, worried. Tsunayoshi shook his head, smiling gently.
“No,” he said. ‘Not in the way you think, at least, and I’m not going to tell you that an inanimate object has offered to be a cockring just to spare its life. Tsk. Years ago, during the good old times, villains used to have a bit of dignity.’ “You being with me here has helped me more than I can ever say.”
“I’m glad,” Squalo replied, trying to not make any kind of victory dance - he even held back his squeals and giggles. Meanwhile somewhere in the UK, a girl was showered by naked Squalo-toys, each nosebleeding with happiness.
Since the movement of walking forward tends to take people forward, they eventually reached the the Sammath Naur, the Chambers of Fire, wherein Tsunayoshi was to dispose of the Ring.
‘Have mercy! Have mercy!’ Belphegor was begging. ‘I’m too beautiful to die!’
“Can I ask you something?” Tsunayoshi started, looking at Squalo with a slight blush adorning his cheeks and completely ignoring the whimpers of the Evil Object™.
“Anything,” Squalo replied quietly, leaning forward.
“It’s not my birthday, but kiss me anyway?”
“Hell yes.”
It was a gentle, lingering touch of the lips. It was long enough to give Tsunayoshi that tingling in the tummy sensation, but short enough to leave him wanting more. It was sweet and too innocent for two people to share in a place such as their. Too tender in the hard world, too-
Tsunayoshi sighed, content, and a screaming ring fell from his hand into the pit.
hings changed quickly after the Round Ring of Doom was destroyed, and with it Byakuran’s last hope of revival.
Sawada Tsunayoshi found his Happily Ever After with Superbi Squalo, who didn’t manage to solve the immortality problem and decided to become a mortal instead. The technicalities of how exactly that happened are still unknown, and probably will remain so.
Mukuro ended up being the Travelling Court Magician who had what one could call a harem of bewitched lovers, all of which looked remarkably like a certain main character. The main character - he wanted to remain anonymous for the sake of this ending - threatened to cut off Mukuro’s tongue if it didn’t stop wagging anytime soon.
Yamamoto Takeshi decided to revamp his image and started by adopting a golden-eyed tennis-player from another dimension who insisted on being called Ryoma. Lambo never approved of this odd development, and decided to move out of their shared house in the Shire, opting to become a hooker instead.
Reborn became a King, after various little complications, least of which was not Bianchi’s harassment and its sequences. Ryohei tracked down the Rider who stole his heart and after a few years of bloodshed and murder attempts, Hana agreed to go on a date with him, as long as Kyoko would be present as well. Ryohei was happy.
Gokudera Hayato became a nun and a professional stalker, and was known for starting fights with Superbi Squalo. Iemitsu found Nana eventually - well, more like she found him when she crashed her son’s wedding - and they came to a flexible compromise of keeping Tsunayoshi as a boy as long as they were capable of working on providing a little sister to him as well.
Levi became a photographer.
All was well.
THE END
OMAKE:
Byakuran stared at the world beneath with one eye - it's not like he physically had anything else. If all went according to plan, then he could start prancing around naked like he always wanted.
Till then, he'd be content watching. Watching Tsunayoshi go to sleep and wake up. Watching Tsunayoshi shower, brush his teeth and eat breakfast. Watching Tsunayoshi dressing and undressing.
Yes.
Byakuran was always watching.
_____________________________________________________________________
A/N: HAAAAH!!! It’s over!!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4