Yeah, it's been a while, but now I'm sorta back finishing old fics so :D
Title: The Round Ring of Doom
Author: Pain au Chocolat
Language: English.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fiction. Everything belongs to Akira Amano and the original plot of LotR belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. As for the crackhead bob pixie you have a certain someone else to blame!! And the fairies too, btw. I’m not the one to blame.
Rating & Warnings: R for Retarded. AU, OOC, gayness, x-over, parody, lime, grammar and spelling abuse, no sense whatsoever… KHR. Characters are OOC - I’m saying this again just in case someone missed it. This is parody and will most probably ruin the LotR for you.
Summary: It’s a KHR-fied LotR parody. Read if you can
Pairing: Squalo x Tsuna, a bit of MukuTsuna, ByaTsuna, GokuTsuna and BelTsuna.
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uch a lovely view,” Squalo said, looking at the world beneath them. The two had managed to travel all the way to the top of a random mountain. Unlike the elf, Tsunayoshi didn’t appreciate the height and the view even a bit.
“Mordor,” the brunet whimpered. “I have an ominous feeling. Please, God, if I’m going to die… then let them all die with me.”
’Shishishi… What a vicious wish, my love,’ the Ring cackled approvingly. Tsunayoshi ignored it, and turned to Squalo.
“I’m glad you’re with me,” the brunet said softly, making the elf almost blush.
“R-really?”
“Yes.” ’You know how to fight and you’d die for me… even if I do prefer you to be alive, for some reason.’
“I’m glad to hear that,” Squalo muttered with uncharacteristic seriousness. “I’m really glad to hear that.” Why did the elf’s words suddenly sound ominous to Tsunayoshi? At any case, the brunet didn’t have time to think about the elf much, considering that he less than ten minutes later tried his best to survive climbing down a devastating cliff. The rope that kept him somewhat alive wasn’t worthy of trust, but the young ring bearer wasn’t given an option.
“Don’t look down,” Squalo instructed. “Or you’ll fall.”
“I’ll try not tooOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!!!!” The girlish scream continued for several minutes, even if the brunet ended up unharmed on the ground after a fall of approximately four feet and a half.
“If you’re quite done,” the elf said, holding back a totally undignified snicker. “Let’s go forward.”
“-AAAHH. Wait. That burning place out there is Mordor, isn’t it? I was right?”
“Of course it’s Mordor. What else did you expect?”
“Uh, you know any other burning hot places? That particular one where no one wants to go?”
“Sounds still like Mordor.”
“I mean the whole Eternal Torment, lots of demons and lost souls and fire and,” Tsunayoshi sighed tiredly. “And it’s known as Hell?” Squalo turned to look at the boy and felt something akin to pity. He reached to touch the soft curls before ending up in an awkward hug that was supposed to offer some comfort to the distraught brunet.
“It will end up alright,” Squalo promised with a determined shine in his silver eyes. “But how to get there undetected?”
’Byakuran is near,’ Belphegor suddenly said. ’And he’s naked.’ Tsunayoshi flinched and shuddered, before deciding that the enemy’s state of undress was none of his business.
“You look pale,” Squalo noted. “It’s the ring, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Tsunayoshi admitted. “It’s getting... uhm… heavier. Say, what food do we have left?”
“Lembas bread,” the elf replied. “Let’s eat it before it gets wet due to the rain.”
“What rain?” Tsunayoshi asked.
“This rain,” Squalo sighed as the dark clouds gathered above the area started to pelt heavy rain on them. “This blasted rain. It hasn’t rained anywhere near Mordor for three hundred thirty-nine years, four months and seventeen days. Until this damn moment I decide to eat my fucking Lemabs bread on this fucking stone-”
“Do you think that the Black Riders will follow us here?” The sudden question interrupted the elf’s miserable rant.
“I have no idea,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t think so.”
“But they might?”
“Uh… yes.”
From the stones above them, an angry person was watching the two. Thieves, this creature called them in his mind. Filthy thieves who deserved to be drowned and crushed and burned and stepped on. Where was it, that thing they stole from him? Where? Where? The creature was certain that his precious item was with these two, and he was so getting it back.
’Ugly enemy coming from three o’clock,’ Belphegor stated monotonously and Tsunayoshi whirled to scan the area with worried eyes.
“Squalo?” he started. “Do you hear anything? My Intuition - and someone else too - are telling me that a new enemy is approaching.” The elf turned to look at the same direction as the ring-bearer, just when someone lunged at them from above the stones. With a reflexive kick Squalo sent the attacked flying into a mountain’s stony wall.
“Who the hell is it?” Tsunayoshi shrieked as a tall, ugly, raven-haired man staggered up.
“Levi,” Squalo scoffed. “Hey, cow-vomit, what brought you here?”
“My ring!” Levi croaked, gleaming obsidian eyes fixed on Tsunayoshi. “My riiiiiing.”
’Don’t you dare to give me to him!’ Belphegor all but shrieked. ’He’s FUG-LEY. I have seen armpits that look better than his face!’
“We need a guide,” Squalo muttered. “And he knows the way. VOOOOOIII, orc-shit, you up for a promotion? From waste to a grain of usefulness!”
“Do you have to be so mean?” Tsunayoshi asked, feeling a bit of pity towards the crying man. “You crushed his self-esteem.”
“He doesn’t need any.”
“Everyone is worth something. Even he is.”
“Words based on wrong stats hold no merit,” Squalo said softly. “Levi is walking pile of nothing. He’s alive just because no one saw him worthy enough of getting killed. We were hoping that one day someone would be bored enough to do the job, but alas, so far no one has been that bored.”
“…”
“Anyway, either he shows us the way or I’ll bury him alive.”
“I’ll show you the way,” Levi said, drying his tears. “And I’m sorry for having fat lips.”
“Some crimes are hard to forgive,” Squalo deadpanned gravely. “Now start moving. To Mordor!”
hat!?” Mukuro shrieked after getting a brief explanation on what was going on. “And you just left my poor, precious, beloved Tsunayoshi to travel with that… that elf!?”
“Better with him than with you,” Gokudera snapped.
“Have you seen Lambo or Yamamoto?” Reborn asked, trying to avoid unnecessary headaches by going directly to the point.
“Yeaaaaah,” the White Wizard drawled. “They’re alright, so don’t worry too much. Anyway, I have to get my old clothes back. White is so not my colour!”
“Why are you alive?” Gokudera asked bluntly, and Mukuro shot him a venomous glare. The wizard really didn’t like talking about the horrible fight where his eyebrows almost got burnt off.
“We need to get out of this forest first.”
“You’re just avoiding my questions!”
“Excellent deduction, mind slave,” Mukuro said, and magically they managed to exit the dark wood-infested area. To show his musical talents the White Wizard whistled, and three horses came galloping towards them. “The shiny yellow one is my horse Chikusa. The other two are Ken and Lanchia. You can decide which one you want to… ahem… ride.”
“Disturbing faggot,” Gokudera muttered. Reborn wasn’t one to share a horse with anyone, and Mukuro wasn’t the type either, so the silver-haired young man cursed his luck and glared at Ryohei who just grinned brightly. Soon the four were galloping towards Rohan - apparently their duty now was to help in the war that was spreading there.
“The King’s mind has been fogged by the evil whispers of Genkishi’s henchmen,” Mukuro said. “We must speak some sense into him. The success of this mission depends on the speed and the secrecy, so steer clear from gossip.”
“I don’t get involved in gossip anyway,” Reborn sniffed with disdain. “Women’s activity.”
“Does Tsunayoshi gossip?” Mukuro asked, and Gokudera glared at him.
“People tell him even if he doesn’t ask,” the silver-haired male said acidly. “Because he’s awesome.” The words ‘and you’re not’ hung limply on the air till they fell like wet rags on the dusty road.
“I can’t wait to see my Tsunayoshi again,” Mukuro sighed, gazing at the sunset. “Be safe, my love.”
“Stop being so gross! The Tenth isn’t yours!”
“Quiet, you annoying little fly. Let me daydream of my loved one.”
“Argh! Someone stop the gay man!”
hose are the gates of Mordor,” Levi whispered to Tsunayoshi, who passed the message to an unimpressed Squalo.
“Is being ugly as shit part of the job description of being an orc?” the elf grunted. “They your relatives or something, waste of skin?”
“They’re not,” Levi muttered, glaring at the silver-haired swordsman. “It’s unsafe to go that way.”
“You mean there’s another way!?”
“Yep.”
“What did you get us here for, then?” Squalo snarled. “You’re up to something. Let’s just bury him alive and-“
“He’ll lead us to the other entrance,” Tsunayoshi decided. “He has been true to his word so far and I foolishly decide to trust him for a little bit longer.”
“It’s sort of a backdoor,” Levi explained. “Besides there’s an old saying that states that you learn more if you don’t knock.”
“You’d know, wouldn’t you, backstabber’s piss?”
“Why do you always insult him and put him down?” Tsunayoshi asked again.
“Why do you care?” Squalo asked with honest curiosity.
“Hm. True,” the brunet sighed. “Let’s just go now.”
ukuro, Reborn, Gokudera and Ryohei got into Eoden and the Golden Hall with minor complications only. They were not very welcome and had been required to even leave their weapons outside before seeing the king.
“Your staff, Gay Grey Wizard,” the guard said, and Mukuro gasped, clutching the white stick.
“You wouldn’t deprive me of my walking stick, would you?” he asked with a slightly injured tone. No one could stand that tone without feeling a bit violated and having the need to go and take a bath with salts. The guard shuddered and stepped aside, letting the four men pass.
“My lord,” whispered a dark-haired man to the King. “The Grey Wizard is coming.”
“Your hospitality has lessened notably, Théoden,” Mukuro declared. “Something wrong?”
“Tell him he’s not welcome,” the dark-haired man hissed to the king, who looked blearily at the wizard.
“Why should I… welcome you… Rokudo Mukuro?”
“Firstly, tell that thing beside you to keep its forked tongue behind its teeth before I come and rip it off altogether,” Mukuro snapped. “Secondly, I want music.”
“Guards,” the king said tiredly, deciding to humour the eccentric wizard. “Samba, please. And Mochida, close your mouth.”
“Not that that has been taken care of,” Mukuro said with uncharacteristic seriousness, and was about to continue when Mochida interrupted again.
“His staff!” the raven-haired man crowed. “I told you to unarm them! Why does he still have his staff!?” Those words triggered an instant reaction and soon Reborn, Ryohei and Gokudera found themselves fighting to keep stray soldiers from reaching Mukuro, who was walking towards King Théoden.
“Too long have you sat in the shadows,” the wizard murmured, walking closer and closer to the nearly insane king. “Look at me, for I release you from this spell!”
“You hold no power here, Grey One,” Théoden cackled, making Mukuro sigh with impatience and roll his eyes. With an exaggerated and very much typical gesture the wizard took off his grey coat, revealing a white robe and his new status as a White Wizard.
“I release you from this spell,” Mukuro repeated, holding his staff in front of him. “I’ll draw you out, Genkishi, as poison is drawn out from something poisoned.” The king withered in pain, groaning in agony under the light of Mukuro’s staff.
“If I go,” a new voice said through the old king. “Théoden dies.”
“You did not kill me and you will not kill him.”
“Rohan is mine.”
“Go pluck your eyebrows properly, freak! ZAHH!!” With a surge of power Mukuro finally managed to push Genkishi away. In his tower, miles and miles away, the raven-haired man staggered back before ending up on Gamma’s lap. What happened after isn’t known to anyone but an unfortunate sentient potato in Gamma’s pocket.
In the hall of king Théoden, everyone marvelled at how leaving Genkishi’s influence seemed to work better than a plastic surgery at making someone look younger.
“This is your clue,” someone whispered loudly to Mochida, who grimaced and sneaked out.
“I will be back!” he declared.
“I strongly advice against that,” Reborn told him. “Now go!”
And Mochida went. Aaaall the way to where Genkishi was doing his best to get into Gamma’s pants again. When the man known as ‘Wormtongue’ finally arrived, the former White Wizard was pretty damn frustrated and ready to unleash his anger on anyone.
“You stink like horse shit,” Genkishi snapped and Mochida flinched back. “That man with the fedora and stupid face… I sensed more power in him than in anyone else. Is he from Gondor?”
“No,” Mochida replied. “From the North. One of the rangers, I thought he was… with a horribly ugly ring. Two serpents with emerald eyes, one devouring the other, crowned with golden flowers. Rings any bells? Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.”
“The ring of Barahir,” Gamma said. “That man must be the lost king of Gondor. Yep. It’s impossible that anyone else would have that ring. Since, you know, it’s impossible to be stolen for some reason.”
“Head prefect,” Genkishi corrected. “Gondor has no king.”
“Last thing I heard, Hibari’s dead, so we might as well use the correct titles.”
“You don’t use the correct titles with me!”
“It’s tough calling someone ‘master’ when you’ve had them moaning under you.”
“That’s a technicality!” Genkishi snapped. “Anyway, Strider’s true identity doesn’t matter. The line is dead and the world of men will fall!”
“What about the fairies?”
“Fairies don’t exist! They’re just sparkly gay men in skirts!”
“I think he meant the elves, Boss.”
“Oh.”
n Edoras people were, figuratively speaking, in deep shit. War was approaching and the King was setting out with his people to Helm’s Deep - a supposedly safe place. The Great Fortress of Rohan. Mukuro had left towards Isengrad with greatest speed to finish some business there, but Reborn, Gokudera and Ryohei were still with the Rohans.
The road was difficult, the march slow with the elderly, women and children… all of this being information Mochida was all too happy to share with his fellow Evil Guys. And therefore, unsurprisingly, the orcs knew where to camp for an attack. Luckily for the Rohans, however, the orc scouts were a warning to them before the whole army would reach them, and they had just enough time to send the soldiers to the front when the rest of the enemy forces arrived.
Despite all their valour the defenders eventually retreated into Hornburg and into the caves in the Helm’s Deep, and from there into the fortress. Women and children were secured in the deepest part of the fortress and everyone who could pick a weapon did so, and went to the front, ready to fight to death.
Desperate faces, constant fear, anxiety… How they wished to return to the peaceful days before all this darkness. How they wished to return to those days filled with sunlight and festivals and normal days that no one appreciated when they had them? How they wished to be in their homes, eating something warm and drinking something cold, instead of drinking something warm and eating nothing at all.
“Many have seen too many winters,” Ryohei said with uncharacteristic seriousness.
“And many too few,” Gokudera said quietly.
Fathers and sons were bidding their farewells to their crying families. Siblings were hugging each other and crying. Tearful mothers were sitting side by side wailing. Truly, hopelessness was soul-wrenching, desperation was heart-breaking. And there was nothing they could do besides pray to see the next sunrise.
“The war has started,” Reborn muttered. “And winning it won’t be easy.”
“No enemy has ever broken these walls,” Théoden said. “Or set a foot inside Hornburg.”
“This is no average enemy. Uruk-hai are stronger than orcs, and smarter too.”
“Genkishi’s army will fight in vain.”
“That’s utter bullshit,” Gokudera scoffed, and Théoden suddenly whirled, grabbing the front of his shirt.
“Look at my men, boy,” the King of Rohan hissed. “Their courage is naught but a strand that could easily be broken. If this is the end of us… at least I want them to fight with hope instead of getting massacred like impassive sheep.”
“Send out riders,” Reborn suggested. “Call for help.”
“And who will answer?” the king scoffed. “Elves? Dwarves? I don’t think so, Ranger. We’re not as lucky with friends as you.”
“Gondor will answer.”
“Gondor!? Where was Gondor when the West Front fell? Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us!? No, Ranger… we are alone.”
The night fell, dark and ominous, yet not darker than the sorrow in their hearts. With fear they tried to hear whether the orc army was approaching.
But before the horn of the enemy, they heard the horn of the ally. Eyes wide with disbelief the men of Rohan alongside with King Théoden watched the march of the elves.
“Open the gates!”
“I can’t believe this,” the king whispered, just as Spanner stopped in front of him. Reborn, Gokudera and Ryohei stood behind the king, each with varying expressions of relief. “How is this possible?”
“I bring word from the Ninth,” Spanner said, blue eyes scanning the crowd in hopes of seeing a certain brunet. “An alliance once existed between elves and men. Now to honour that, we have arrived to help you in this fight.”
“I can’t believe I’m happy to see you,” Reborn sighed with a smile.
“Where’s Tsunayoshi?”
“The Tenth went bravely to destroy the ring on his own,” Gokudera sniffed. “Uuhuhuuuu… he abandoned meee…”
“But-“
“But he’d admire your current actions very much,” Reborn cut in. “I’ll make sure to let him know.”
“I see,” Spanner muttered, turning to look at the numerous elves and Moscas behind him. “Then I must not disappoint him.”
“Good. That’s a really good decision.”
‘Thank you God,’ Reborn thought. ‘For the idiots in this world.’ Finally, the war could start.
amamoto Takeshi and Bovino Lambo were starting to regret being kidnapped. Trees sure weren’t good at having conversations.
“So we’re going to Isengrad?” Lambo asked. “Isn’t it full of orcs and other stuff?”
“Mostly other stuff,” Santa Claus said. “But don’t worry, it’ll be a little fight.”
“Does the fight have to include us?”
“H0h0h0h0,” laughed Santa Claus. “Hell yes. Isengrad will be ours!”
“You’re a bit too enthusiastic about this fight.”
“It’s been ages since I had any action.”
“So you’re not a pacifist,” Lambo said. “What will you do after taking over Isengrad?”
“H0h0h0h0. I’ll start up a banana farm.”
“Makes sense,” Yamamoto nodded, and Lambo choked.
“Sense!? What sort of sense does that make!? Nonsense!”
“Nonsense is the second best sort of sense.”
“And what’s the best, pray tell.”
“H0h0h0h0h0,” Santa Claus laughed again. “Horse sense, of course!”
“I don’t see an of course there,” Lambo muttered. “So you’re not going to fight in any other battle after getting Isengrad?”
“Depends on my vitality,” the Ent said. “If I’m still going on strong, then why not? H0h0h0. With Viagra even dead sticks stand up!”
ack at Helm’s Deep, the Uruk Hai that had camped outside were starting to use gunpowder to blow the outer wall and break down the gate.
“This feels like a final battle,” Spanner said. “I wonder if I’ll be mentioned in the ending credits.”
“Depends on how you die,” Reborn told him. “If you die by taking a hundred orcs with you, then yeah. If you keep up the cowardly act-“
“I’m not a coward; I’m tech department!”
“Sure. Stick with that excuse if you want. The gates are breaking down, by the way. Any ideas?”
“We could retreat a bit further back,” Spanner suggested, just as the gates broke and Orcs flooded in. “Oops, too late.”
“RETREAT!” Reborn roared, letting the soldiers pass the memo. “Any other remarkably useless ideas, tech department?”
“This sounds good enough to me,” Spanner replied. “To the inner chambers of the Deep. Sounds fabulous.”
“I hate you,” Reborn said with utter honesty. “I hate you so much that if I had June’s pink fluffy mini-shoe she keeps on her table, I’d shove it either down your throat or up your a-“
“Have you seen Tsunayoshi ever naked?” Spanner asked calmly, not bothering to ask who in the world this June is, while shooting down yet another orc. “I bet you have. I’m so jealous. Even my lollipop stands when I think of Tsunayoshi naked.”
“That’s not a lollipop you freak!”
“Really? How peculiar. Say, the White Wizard left to get some help. Are you sure you can depend on him?”
“He looks like a fruitcake - well, he is one - but you could say that he’s a determined, useful fruitcake. I’m not sure why he went to Isengrad to get us some help, but hey… I’m sure there’s logic somewhere in that plan, even though as far as I know, Isengrad is ruled by the orcs in it.”
“The possibility of that happening is… less than 2%.”
“Miracles could happen.”
“Like what? Are you saying that perhaps a new, unexpected ally has taken over Isengrad for us and will fight for our sake? Don’t make me laugh, Strider.”
“I have never seen you laugh,” Reborn noted, cutting down yet another orc. “Stop it. It’s creepy.”
“I have the right to express myself as I wish.”
“Not if you don’t want to be hunted by both sides for being too annoying.”
“You’d lose a valuable asset. The only one who’s almost as good at tech as I am is Gamma. And he’s an enemy. Speaking of the enemy… Am I imagining it, or are all of Byakuran’s henchmen homosexually inclined?”
“Like you’re one to talk.”
“Think the Rainbow Wizard will be here soon?”
“Think you can shut up and focus on fighting?” It wasn’t a war they could win… but what they could do was to give Tsunayoshi enough time to destroy the ring.
y intuition is telling me that the others of the Fellowship are fighting for our sake,” Tsunayoshi whispered, and looked at Squalo. “Think we can reach the Mount of Doom anytime soon?”
“We will need at least a week of sneaking around,” Squalo replied. “That dirtbag there can point us to the right path and then he can leave. He isn’t trustworthy, you see. He’s the sort that would love to stab your back and pick your pockets and run away.”
“How cruel!” Levi wailed. “I did nothing to deserve these words of yours! Why do you hate me so much!?”
“Be quiet,” Tsunayoshi said flatly. “We’re now in the lands of the enemy. If we’re caught, we’re dead. And I don’t want to die. I really don’t.”
“We can sacrifice him,” Squalo whispered, pointing at Levi. “If we’re ever in a pinch, we can throw him at the orcs and flee.”
“Sounds appropriately selfish.”
“Say, does our conversation seem rather forced?”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“A-actually,” Levi squeaked from behind. “The authoress just doesn’t know what the hell she’s writing anymore so she’s just going on and crossing her fingers, hoping for a miracle.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Tsunayoshi sighed with slight annoyance. “Anyway, once we reach the Mount of Doom, what shall we do?”
“We’ll go up,” Squalo replied. “And throw the ring into the fires of hell.”
“Sounds potentially fatal.”
’Shishishi… I know I’m hot, no need to gather hotness around me. Listen, baby, we can escape this world together-‘ Tsunayoshi groaned and the elf looked at him with alarm.
“Are you in pain?” Squalo asked, silver eyes staring at the bride-to-be.
“Just a headache,” Tsunayoshi sighed. “This ring is such a bother.”
“I can’t even imagine…” Squalo said, wishing to have the ability to at least lighten the boy’s burden. Alas, he would not risk taking the evil thing to himself.
’Yeah,’ Tsunayoshi thought. ’You have no clue.’
e are trapped within the inner chambers of the Deep,” Spanner noted. “If someone’s about to rescue us, I think now would be the time.”
“Shut up and fight,” Reborn grunted. “Kill! Kill! Kill them all!”
“Why do we have to beat up everything? Not all of it wants to kill us, I'm sure."
“Are you going to start interviewing orcs, then?”
“I wish I could have seen Tsunayoshi one more time,” Spanner sighed. “I’m too young and talented to die.”
“All hope is not lost yet!” Ryohei screamed from a fair distance. “EXTREME SITUATIONS bring out the EXTREME POWERS inside us! Fight! Fight like someone who fights for fun! Fight like you have never fought before!”
“Extreme!” a collective war-cry rose and the Rohan soldiers swing their swords with a bit more speed and a bit more skill, and apparently that’s all they need to break out of the fastness and cause the orcs to flee before it.
“I wondered what we kept him around for,” Gokudera gasped, leaning on a stone. “He’s occasionally useful.”
“Look!” a voice was heard shouting. “The Rohirrim are here!”
“Is that a fruitcake on a horse that I see?” Spanner said, squinting his eyes against the light of the randomly rising sun. “Oh, it’s just the Wizard.”
“Is that a tree I see?” Gokudera yelped. “Wait, it’s an Ent! With an Ent army!”
“It seems that Genkishi has managed to piss off more races than we originally thought to be possible,” Reborn muttered, reluctantly impressed, and watched how even the last orcs flee.
“My fellow Good Guys™,” Mukuro spoke, his magically enchanted voice washing over the crowds in its typically slightly violating manner. “This battle has finally ended in victory!”
“Let no one speak of how he was elsewhere during the actual battle,” Reborn whispered. “I wonder what else he has been doing.”
“Well, it’s Rokudo Mukuro,” Spanner replied, just as quietly. “Those who don’t already know, don’t need to know, and those who already do know, usually don’t want to know.”
“Hm. Fair point.”
“However,” Mukuro continued. “We have another Impossible To Win -battle awaiting. Now the larger army of Genkishi’s is going to try and destroy a weakened Gondor. If they succeed, our hope will be gone!”
“Oh, come on,” someone groaned. “A new fight? Dude.”
“Why should we help Gondor anyway?” another exclaimed. “I don’t see any Gondorians here, fighting with us!”
“Quickly, Strider who’s originally from Gondor,” Spanner said. “Come out of the closet. Out yourself!”
“I’m from Gondor,” Reborn confessed slightly reluctantly. Mukuro beamed at him with happiness from a distance that, had the ranger been luckier, would have been longer.
“So we’re going to save Gondor?” Gokudera said. “Teach the other Wizard a lesson?”
“Not only that,” Ryohei, showing off his newly developed intellectual level, said. “We can keep on giving Tsunayoshi enough time to destroy the ring. It’s all for Tsunayoshi’s sake!”
And that, more than the idea of World Peace™, convinced the others to keep fighting.
“To Isengrad we go!”
o basically we’re going to Isengrad because Lambo and Yamamoto are waiting for us there,” Reborn summed up Mukuro’s series or conclusions.
“And Genkishi is there too,” Mukuro added. “It’s time for us to finally settle the score. It’s time to show the world who’s the bitch here.”
“But if the Ents have taken over Isengrad, then surely Genkishi is already somewhere else. He’s a strong wizard - surely he could transform himself into something and flee?”
"That can't be right, because if it was right, I'd be wrong, and we definitely, DEFINITELY, cannot have that."
“You just don’t want to admit to being wrong,” Gokudera cut in. “I wonder how the Tenth is doing. I swear I’ll kill that elf if the Tenth is violated in any shape or form.”
“Yes,” Mukuro agreed. “The only one to be intimate with Tsunayoshi will be me.”
“I’d rather chop your arms off,” Gokudera deadpanned, but instead of feeling offended, Mukuro grinned.
“Well, if I don’t have arms, then he can just ride-“
“Don’t finish that sentence if you value your life.”
“Freedom of speech!”
“Freedom of speech with consideration, you-“
“How do we stop them?” Spanner asked, staring at Mukuro and Gokudera with wariness. “They’ll end up killing each other.”
“I don’t care. Just ignore them,” sniffed Reborn, who, if he couldn’t change anything, was going to pretend that he was above all the nonsense.
“Isengrad,” Théoden sighed. “Mochida will be there.”
“Who?” Reborn asked.
“That side-character mentioned during our first meeting.”
“Oh. So what about him? Will you just kill him?”
“…well…”
“Oh come on. He’s a traitor.”
“But he’s sort of pretty. I’m sure I can figure out something else.”
“I’m so proud,” Mukuro squealed. “Debauchery flourishing beneath my tender care!”
“You just made me impotent,” Gokudera stated flatly. “Shut up, you gross pile of-“
“How long will it take us to reach Isengrad?” Spanner wanted to know.
“A while,” Reborn replied, yawning. “What I wouldn’t do to have a Tunaman to cuddle on right now…”
e’ve been travelling southwards for two days,” Tsunayoshi whined. “When will we arrive?”
“We’re near the road from the Ruins of Osgiliath to Minas Ithil,” Levi replied. “Let’s hurry up, though.”
“My Intuition agrees with you on that,” Tsunayoshi sighed. “As if we’re being followed or something.”
“Don’t worry,” Squalo told him, reaching for the younger man’s hand. “I’ll keep you safe.” The look in the silver eyes was serious, and Tsunayoshi couldn’t help but blush like a fair maiden indeed.
“Please,” the brunet whispered, smiling. “Thank y-“
“Could we please save this romantic scene for later?” Levi pleaded. “We’re being hunted. We’re in danger. A bit more awareness of the situation, please!”
“Confusion is the first sign of falling in love,” Squalo said, ignoring the dark-haired creature whimpering nearby. “And I’m so confused that I wouldn’t find my way out of a condom.”
“Trust me, I sort of have the same deal going on,” Tsunayoshi confessed. “Only yesterday I was thinking that if there’s one person I could go watch the ocean with... it would be...”
“Who?” Squalo wanted to know. His heart was beating rapidly against his ribcage and hope stirred inside. Two steps away Levi was wondering from where the cheesy music was coming.
“It would be,” Tsunayoshi started again, but Levi’s panicked shriek cut him off. Squalo, for a few seconds, contemplated the effort needed to cut Levi before the reason of the thing’s fear appeared.
“The Riders,” the elf growls.
“Mother,” Tsunayoshi squeaks. “We must escape! You don’t know what she’ll do to me!”
“Well-“
“For the love of my penis, let’s go!”
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A/N: Ha! Finally I’m finishing thiiiis!
Part 3
Part 5
Author: Pain au Chocolat
Language: English.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fiction. Everything belongs to Akira Amano and the original plot of LotR belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien. As for the crackhead bob pixie you have a certain someone else to blame!! And the fairies too, btw. I’m not the one to blame.
Rating & Warnings: R for Retarded. AU, OOC, gayness, x-over, parody, lime, grammar and spelling abuse, no sense whatsoever… KHR. Characters are OOC - I’m saying this again just in case someone missed it. This is parody and will most probably ruin the LotR for you.
Summary: It’s a KHR-fied LotR parody. Read if you can
Pairing: Squalo x Tsuna, a bit of MukuTsuna, ByaTsuna, GokuTsuna and BelTsuna.
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uch a lovely view,” Squalo said, looking at the world beneath them. The two had managed to travel all the way to the top of a random mountain. Unlike the elf, Tsunayoshi didn’t appreciate the height and the view even a bit.
“Mordor,” the brunet whimpered. “I have an ominous feeling. Please, God, if I’m going to die… then let them all die with me.”
’Shishishi… What a vicious wish, my love,’ the Ring cackled approvingly. Tsunayoshi ignored it, and turned to Squalo.
“I’m glad you’re with me,” the brunet said softly, making the elf almost blush.
“R-really?”
“Yes.” ’You know how to fight and you’d die for me… even if I do prefer you to be alive, for some reason.’
“I’m glad to hear that,” Squalo muttered with uncharacteristic seriousness. “I’m really glad to hear that.” Why did the elf’s words suddenly sound ominous to Tsunayoshi? At any case, the brunet didn’t have time to think about the elf much, considering that he less than ten minutes later tried his best to survive climbing down a devastating cliff. The rope that kept him somewhat alive wasn’t worthy of trust, but the young ring bearer wasn’t given an option.
“Don’t look down,” Squalo instructed. “Or you’ll fall.”
“I’ll try not tooOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!!!!” The girlish scream continued for several minutes, even if the brunet ended up unharmed on the ground after a fall of approximately four feet and a half.
“If you’re quite done,” the elf said, holding back a totally undignified snicker. “Let’s go forward.”
“-AAAHH. Wait. That burning place out there is Mordor, isn’t it? I was right?”
“Of course it’s Mordor. What else did you expect?”
“Uh, you know any other burning hot places? That particular one where no one wants to go?”
“Sounds still like Mordor.”
“I mean the whole Eternal Torment, lots of demons and lost souls and fire and,” Tsunayoshi sighed tiredly. “And it’s known as Hell?” Squalo turned to look at the boy and felt something akin to pity. He reached to touch the soft curls before ending up in an awkward hug that was supposed to offer some comfort to the distraught brunet.
“It will end up alright,” Squalo promised with a determined shine in his silver eyes. “But how to get there undetected?”
’Byakuran is near,’ Belphegor suddenly said. ’And he’s naked.’ Tsunayoshi flinched and shuddered, before deciding that the enemy’s state of undress was none of his business.
“You look pale,” Squalo noted. “It’s the ring, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Tsunayoshi admitted. “It’s getting... uhm… heavier. Say, what food do we have left?”
“Lembas bread,” the elf replied. “Let’s eat it before it gets wet due to the rain.”
“What rain?” Tsunayoshi asked.
“This rain,” Squalo sighed as the dark clouds gathered above the area started to pelt heavy rain on them. “This blasted rain. It hasn’t rained anywhere near Mordor for three hundred thirty-nine years, four months and seventeen days. Until this damn moment I decide to eat my fucking Lemabs bread on this fucking stone-”
“Do you think that the Black Riders will follow us here?” The sudden question interrupted the elf’s miserable rant.
“I have no idea,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t think so.”
“But they might?”
“Uh… yes.”
From the stones above them, an angry person was watching the two. Thieves, this creature called them in his mind. Filthy thieves who deserved to be drowned and crushed and burned and stepped on. Where was it, that thing they stole from him? Where? Where? The creature was certain that his precious item was with these two, and he was so getting it back.
’Ugly enemy coming from three o’clock,’ Belphegor stated monotonously and Tsunayoshi whirled to scan the area with worried eyes.
“Squalo?” he started. “Do you hear anything? My Intuition - and someone else too - are telling me that a new enemy is approaching.” The elf turned to look at the same direction as the ring-bearer, just when someone lunged at them from above the stones. With a reflexive kick Squalo sent the attacked flying into a mountain’s stony wall.
“Who the hell is it?” Tsunayoshi shrieked as a tall, ugly, raven-haired man staggered up.
“Levi,” Squalo scoffed. “Hey, cow-vomit, what brought you here?”
“My ring!” Levi croaked, gleaming obsidian eyes fixed on Tsunayoshi. “My riiiiiing.”
’Don’t you dare to give me to him!’ Belphegor all but shrieked. ’He’s FUG-LEY. I have seen armpits that look better than his face!’
“We need a guide,” Squalo muttered. “And he knows the way. VOOOOOIII, orc-shit, you up for a promotion? From waste to a grain of usefulness!”
“Do you have to be so mean?” Tsunayoshi asked, feeling a bit of pity towards the crying man. “You crushed his self-esteem.”
“He doesn’t need any.”
“Everyone is worth something. Even he is.”
“Words based on wrong stats hold no merit,” Squalo said softly. “Levi is walking pile of nothing. He’s alive just because no one saw him worthy enough of getting killed. We were hoping that one day someone would be bored enough to do the job, but alas, so far no one has been that bored.”
“…”
“Anyway, either he shows us the way or I’ll bury him alive.”
“I’ll show you the way,” Levi said, drying his tears. “And I’m sorry for having fat lips.”
“Some crimes are hard to forgive,” Squalo deadpanned gravely. “Now start moving. To Mordor!”
hat!?” Mukuro shrieked after getting a brief explanation on what was going on. “And you just left my poor, precious, beloved Tsunayoshi to travel with that… that elf!?”
“Better with him than with you,” Gokudera snapped.
“Have you seen Lambo or Yamamoto?” Reborn asked, trying to avoid unnecessary headaches by going directly to the point.
“Yeaaaaah,” the White Wizard drawled. “They’re alright, so don’t worry too much. Anyway, I have to get my old clothes back. White is so not my colour!”
“Why are you alive?” Gokudera asked bluntly, and Mukuro shot him a venomous glare. The wizard really didn’t like talking about the horrible fight where his eyebrows almost got burnt off.
“We need to get out of this forest first.”
“You’re just avoiding my questions!”
“Excellent deduction, mind slave,” Mukuro said, and magically they managed to exit the dark wood-infested area. To show his musical talents the White Wizard whistled, and three horses came galloping towards them. “The shiny yellow one is my horse Chikusa. The other two are Ken and Lanchia. You can decide which one you want to… ahem… ride.”
“Disturbing faggot,” Gokudera muttered. Reborn wasn’t one to share a horse with anyone, and Mukuro wasn’t the type either, so the silver-haired young man cursed his luck and glared at Ryohei who just grinned brightly. Soon the four were galloping towards Rohan - apparently their duty now was to help in the war that was spreading there.
“The King’s mind has been fogged by the evil whispers of Genkishi’s henchmen,” Mukuro said. “We must speak some sense into him. The success of this mission depends on the speed and the secrecy, so steer clear from gossip.”
“I don’t get involved in gossip anyway,” Reborn sniffed with disdain. “Women’s activity.”
“Does Tsunayoshi gossip?” Mukuro asked, and Gokudera glared at him.
“People tell him even if he doesn’t ask,” the silver-haired male said acidly. “Because he’s awesome.” The words ‘and you’re not’ hung limply on the air till they fell like wet rags on the dusty road.
“I can’t wait to see my Tsunayoshi again,” Mukuro sighed, gazing at the sunset. “Be safe, my love.”
“Stop being so gross! The Tenth isn’t yours!”
“Quiet, you annoying little fly. Let me daydream of my loved one.”
“Argh! Someone stop the gay man!”
hose are the gates of Mordor,” Levi whispered to Tsunayoshi, who passed the message to an unimpressed Squalo.
“Is being ugly as shit part of the job description of being an orc?” the elf grunted. “They your relatives or something, waste of skin?”
“They’re not,” Levi muttered, glaring at the silver-haired swordsman. “It’s unsafe to go that way.”
“You mean there’s another way!?”
“Yep.”
“What did you get us here for, then?” Squalo snarled. “You’re up to something. Let’s just bury him alive and-“
“He’ll lead us to the other entrance,” Tsunayoshi decided. “He has been true to his word so far and I foolishly decide to trust him for a little bit longer.”
“It’s sort of a backdoor,” Levi explained. “Besides there’s an old saying that states that you learn more if you don’t knock.”
“You’d know, wouldn’t you, backstabber’s piss?”
“Why do you always insult him and put him down?” Tsunayoshi asked again.
“Why do you care?” Squalo asked with honest curiosity.
“Hm. True,” the brunet sighed. “Let’s just go now.”
ukuro, Reborn, Gokudera and Ryohei got into Eoden and the Golden Hall with minor complications only. They were not very welcome and had been required to even leave their weapons outside before seeing the king.
“Your staff, Gay Grey Wizard,” the guard said, and Mukuro gasped, clutching the white stick.
“You wouldn’t deprive me of my walking stick, would you?” he asked with a slightly injured tone. No one could stand that tone without feeling a bit violated and having the need to go and take a bath with salts. The guard shuddered and stepped aside, letting the four men pass.
“My lord,” whispered a dark-haired man to the King. “The Grey Wizard is coming.”
“Your hospitality has lessened notably, Théoden,” Mukuro declared. “Something wrong?”
“Tell him he’s not welcome,” the dark-haired man hissed to the king, who looked blearily at the wizard.
“Why should I… welcome you… Rokudo Mukuro?”
“Firstly, tell that thing beside you to keep its forked tongue behind its teeth before I come and rip it off altogether,” Mukuro snapped. “Secondly, I want music.”
“Guards,” the king said tiredly, deciding to humour the eccentric wizard. “Samba, please. And Mochida, close your mouth.”
“Not that that has been taken care of,” Mukuro said with uncharacteristic seriousness, and was about to continue when Mochida interrupted again.
“His staff!” the raven-haired man crowed. “I told you to unarm them! Why does he still have his staff!?” Those words triggered an instant reaction and soon Reborn, Ryohei and Gokudera found themselves fighting to keep stray soldiers from reaching Mukuro, who was walking towards King Théoden.
“Too long have you sat in the shadows,” the wizard murmured, walking closer and closer to the nearly insane king. “Look at me, for I release you from this spell!”
“You hold no power here, Grey One,” Théoden cackled, making Mukuro sigh with impatience and roll his eyes. With an exaggerated and very much typical gesture the wizard took off his grey coat, revealing a white robe and his new status as a White Wizard.
“I release you from this spell,” Mukuro repeated, holding his staff in front of him. “I’ll draw you out, Genkishi, as poison is drawn out from something poisoned.” The king withered in pain, groaning in agony under the light of Mukuro’s staff.
“If I go,” a new voice said through the old king. “Théoden dies.”
“You did not kill me and you will not kill him.”
“Rohan is mine.”
“Go pluck your eyebrows properly, freak! ZAHH!!” With a surge of power Mukuro finally managed to push Genkishi away. In his tower, miles and miles away, the raven-haired man staggered back before ending up on Gamma’s lap. What happened after isn’t known to anyone but an unfortunate sentient potato in Gamma’s pocket.
In the hall of king Théoden, everyone marvelled at how leaving Genkishi’s influence seemed to work better than a plastic surgery at making someone look younger.
“This is your clue,” someone whispered loudly to Mochida, who grimaced and sneaked out.
“I will be back!” he declared.
“I strongly advice against that,” Reborn told him. “Now go!”
And Mochida went. Aaaall the way to where Genkishi was doing his best to get into Gamma’s pants again. When the man known as ‘Wormtongue’ finally arrived, the former White Wizard was pretty damn frustrated and ready to unleash his anger on anyone.
“You stink like horse shit,” Genkishi snapped and Mochida flinched back. “That man with the fedora and stupid face… I sensed more power in him than in anyone else. Is he from Gondor?”
“No,” Mochida replied. “From the North. One of the rangers, I thought he was… with a horribly ugly ring. Two serpents with emerald eyes, one devouring the other, crowned with golden flowers. Rings any bells? Hint, hint, nudge, nudge.”
“The ring of Barahir,” Gamma said. “That man must be the lost king of Gondor. Yep. It’s impossible that anyone else would have that ring. Since, you know, it’s impossible to be stolen for some reason.”
“Head prefect,” Genkishi corrected. “Gondor has no king.”
“Last thing I heard, Hibari’s dead, so we might as well use the correct titles.”
“You don’t use the correct titles with me!”
“It’s tough calling someone ‘master’ when you’ve had them moaning under you.”
“That’s a technicality!” Genkishi snapped. “Anyway, Strider’s true identity doesn’t matter. The line is dead and the world of men will fall!”
“What about the fairies?”
“Fairies don’t exist! They’re just sparkly gay men in skirts!”
“I think he meant the elves, Boss.”
“Oh.”
n Edoras people were, figuratively speaking, in deep shit. War was approaching and the King was setting out with his people to Helm’s Deep - a supposedly safe place. The Great Fortress of Rohan. Mukuro had left towards Isengrad with greatest speed to finish some business there, but Reborn, Gokudera and Ryohei were still with the Rohans.
The road was difficult, the march slow with the elderly, women and children… all of this being information Mochida was all too happy to share with his fellow Evil Guys. And therefore, unsurprisingly, the orcs knew where to camp for an attack. Luckily for the Rohans, however, the orc scouts were a warning to them before the whole army would reach them, and they had just enough time to send the soldiers to the front when the rest of the enemy forces arrived.
Despite all their valour the defenders eventually retreated into Hornburg and into the caves in the Helm’s Deep, and from there into the fortress. Women and children were secured in the deepest part of the fortress and everyone who could pick a weapon did so, and went to the front, ready to fight to death.
Desperate faces, constant fear, anxiety… How they wished to return to the peaceful days before all this darkness. How they wished to return to those days filled with sunlight and festivals and normal days that no one appreciated when they had them? How they wished to be in their homes, eating something warm and drinking something cold, instead of drinking something warm and eating nothing at all.
“Many have seen too many winters,” Ryohei said with uncharacteristic seriousness.
“And many too few,” Gokudera said quietly.
Fathers and sons were bidding their farewells to their crying families. Siblings were hugging each other and crying. Tearful mothers were sitting side by side wailing. Truly, hopelessness was soul-wrenching, desperation was heart-breaking. And there was nothing they could do besides pray to see the next sunrise.
“The war has started,” Reborn muttered. “And winning it won’t be easy.”
“No enemy has ever broken these walls,” Théoden said. “Or set a foot inside Hornburg.”
“This is no average enemy. Uruk-hai are stronger than orcs, and smarter too.”
“Genkishi’s army will fight in vain.”
“That’s utter bullshit,” Gokudera scoffed, and Théoden suddenly whirled, grabbing the front of his shirt.
“Look at my men, boy,” the King of Rohan hissed. “Their courage is naught but a strand that could easily be broken. If this is the end of us… at least I want them to fight with hope instead of getting massacred like impassive sheep.”
“Send out riders,” Reborn suggested. “Call for help.”
“And who will answer?” the king scoffed. “Elves? Dwarves? I don’t think so, Ranger. We’re not as lucky with friends as you.”
“Gondor will answer.”
“Gondor!? Where was Gondor when the West Front fell? Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us!? No, Ranger… we are alone.”
The night fell, dark and ominous, yet not darker than the sorrow in their hearts. With fear they tried to hear whether the orc army was approaching.
But before the horn of the enemy, they heard the horn of the ally. Eyes wide with disbelief the men of Rohan alongside with King Théoden watched the march of the elves.
“Open the gates!”
“I can’t believe this,” the king whispered, just as Spanner stopped in front of him. Reborn, Gokudera and Ryohei stood behind the king, each with varying expressions of relief. “How is this possible?”
“I bring word from the Ninth,” Spanner said, blue eyes scanning the crowd in hopes of seeing a certain brunet. “An alliance once existed between elves and men. Now to honour that, we have arrived to help you in this fight.”
“I can’t believe I’m happy to see you,” Reborn sighed with a smile.
“Where’s Tsunayoshi?”
“The Tenth went bravely to destroy the ring on his own,” Gokudera sniffed. “Uuhuhuuuu… he abandoned meee…”
“But-“
“But he’d admire your current actions very much,” Reborn cut in. “I’ll make sure to let him know.”
“I see,” Spanner muttered, turning to look at the numerous elves and Moscas behind him. “Then I must not disappoint him.”
“Good. That’s a really good decision.”
‘Thank you God,’ Reborn thought. ‘For the idiots in this world.’ Finally, the war could start.
amamoto Takeshi and Bovino Lambo were starting to regret being kidnapped. Trees sure weren’t good at having conversations.
“So we’re going to Isengrad?” Lambo asked. “Isn’t it full of orcs and other stuff?”
“Mostly other stuff,” Santa Claus said. “But don’t worry, it’ll be a little fight.”
“Does the fight have to include us?”
“H0h0h0h0,” laughed Santa Claus. “Hell yes. Isengrad will be ours!”
“You’re a bit too enthusiastic about this fight.”
“It’s been ages since I had any action.”
“So you’re not a pacifist,” Lambo said. “What will you do after taking over Isengrad?”
“H0h0h0h0. I’ll start up a banana farm.”
“Makes sense,” Yamamoto nodded, and Lambo choked.
“Sense!? What sort of sense does that make!? Nonsense!”
“Nonsense is the second best sort of sense.”
“And what’s the best, pray tell.”
“H0h0h0h0h0,” Santa Claus laughed again. “Horse sense, of course!”
“I don’t see an of course there,” Lambo muttered. “So you’re not going to fight in any other battle after getting Isengrad?”
“Depends on my vitality,” the Ent said. “If I’m still going on strong, then why not? H0h0h0. With Viagra even dead sticks stand up!”
ack at Helm’s Deep, the Uruk Hai that had camped outside were starting to use gunpowder to blow the outer wall and break down the gate.
“This feels like a final battle,” Spanner said. “I wonder if I’ll be mentioned in the ending credits.”
“Depends on how you die,” Reborn told him. “If you die by taking a hundred orcs with you, then yeah. If you keep up the cowardly act-“
“I’m not a coward; I’m tech department!”
“Sure. Stick with that excuse if you want. The gates are breaking down, by the way. Any ideas?”
“We could retreat a bit further back,” Spanner suggested, just as the gates broke and Orcs flooded in. “Oops, too late.”
“RETREAT!” Reborn roared, letting the soldiers pass the memo. “Any other remarkably useless ideas, tech department?”
“This sounds good enough to me,” Spanner replied. “To the inner chambers of the Deep. Sounds fabulous.”
“I hate you,” Reborn said with utter honesty. “I hate you so much that if I had June’s pink fluffy mini-shoe she keeps on her table, I’d shove it either down your throat or up your a-“
“Have you seen Tsunayoshi ever naked?” Spanner asked calmly, not bothering to ask who in the world this June is, while shooting down yet another orc. “I bet you have. I’m so jealous. Even my lollipop stands when I think of Tsunayoshi naked.”
“That’s not a lollipop you freak!”
“Really? How peculiar. Say, the White Wizard left to get some help. Are you sure you can depend on him?”
“He looks like a fruitcake - well, he is one - but you could say that he’s a determined, useful fruitcake. I’m not sure why he went to Isengrad to get us some help, but hey… I’m sure there’s logic somewhere in that plan, even though as far as I know, Isengrad is ruled by the orcs in it.”
“The possibility of that happening is… less than 2%.”
“Miracles could happen.”
“Like what? Are you saying that perhaps a new, unexpected ally has taken over Isengrad for us and will fight for our sake? Don’t make me laugh, Strider.”
“I have never seen you laugh,” Reborn noted, cutting down yet another orc. “Stop it. It’s creepy.”
“I have the right to express myself as I wish.”
“Not if you don’t want to be hunted by both sides for being too annoying.”
“You’d lose a valuable asset. The only one who’s almost as good at tech as I am is Gamma. And he’s an enemy. Speaking of the enemy… Am I imagining it, or are all of Byakuran’s henchmen homosexually inclined?”
“Like you’re one to talk.”
“Think the Rainbow Wizard will be here soon?”
“Think you can shut up and focus on fighting?” It wasn’t a war they could win… but what they could do was to give Tsunayoshi enough time to destroy the ring.
y intuition is telling me that the others of the Fellowship are fighting for our sake,” Tsunayoshi whispered, and looked at Squalo. “Think we can reach the Mount of Doom anytime soon?”
“We will need at least a week of sneaking around,” Squalo replied. “That dirtbag there can point us to the right path and then he can leave. He isn’t trustworthy, you see. He’s the sort that would love to stab your back and pick your pockets and run away.”
“How cruel!” Levi wailed. “I did nothing to deserve these words of yours! Why do you hate me so much!?”
“Be quiet,” Tsunayoshi said flatly. “We’re now in the lands of the enemy. If we’re caught, we’re dead. And I don’t want to die. I really don’t.”
“We can sacrifice him,” Squalo whispered, pointing at Levi. “If we’re ever in a pinch, we can throw him at the orcs and flee.”
“Sounds appropriately selfish.”
“Say, does our conversation seem rather forced?”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“A-actually,” Levi squeaked from behind. “The authoress just doesn’t know what the hell she’s writing anymore so she’s just going on and crossing her fingers, hoping for a miracle.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Tsunayoshi sighed with slight annoyance. “Anyway, once we reach the Mount of Doom, what shall we do?”
“We’ll go up,” Squalo replied. “And throw the ring into the fires of hell.”
“Sounds potentially fatal.”
’Shishishi… I know I’m hot, no need to gather hotness around me. Listen, baby, we can escape this world together-‘ Tsunayoshi groaned and the elf looked at him with alarm.
“Are you in pain?” Squalo asked, silver eyes staring at the bride-to-be.
“Just a headache,” Tsunayoshi sighed. “This ring is such a bother.”
“I can’t even imagine…” Squalo said, wishing to have the ability to at least lighten the boy’s burden. Alas, he would not risk taking the evil thing to himself.
’Yeah,’ Tsunayoshi thought. ’You have no clue.’
e are trapped within the inner chambers of the Deep,” Spanner noted. “If someone’s about to rescue us, I think now would be the time.”
“Shut up and fight,” Reborn grunted. “Kill! Kill! Kill them all!”
“Why do we have to beat up everything? Not all of it wants to kill us, I'm sure."
“Are you going to start interviewing orcs, then?”
“I wish I could have seen Tsunayoshi one more time,” Spanner sighed. “I’m too young and talented to die.”
“All hope is not lost yet!” Ryohei screamed from a fair distance. “EXTREME SITUATIONS bring out the EXTREME POWERS inside us! Fight! Fight like someone who fights for fun! Fight like you have never fought before!”
“Extreme!” a collective war-cry rose and the Rohan soldiers swing their swords with a bit more speed and a bit more skill, and apparently that’s all they need to break out of the fastness and cause the orcs to flee before it.
“I wondered what we kept him around for,” Gokudera gasped, leaning on a stone. “He’s occasionally useful.”
“Look!” a voice was heard shouting. “The Rohirrim are here!”
“Is that a fruitcake on a horse that I see?” Spanner said, squinting his eyes against the light of the randomly rising sun. “Oh, it’s just the Wizard.”
“Is that a tree I see?” Gokudera yelped. “Wait, it’s an Ent! With an Ent army!”
“It seems that Genkishi has managed to piss off more races than we originally thought to be possible,” Reborn muttered, reluctantly impressed, and watched how even the last orcs flee.
“My fellow Good Guys™,” Mukuro spoke, his magically enchanted voice washing over the crowds in its typically slightly violating manner. “This battle has finally ended in victory!”
“Let no one speak of how he was elsewhere during the actual battle,” Reborn whispered. “I wonder what else he has been doing.”
“Well, it’s Rokudo Mukuro,” Spanner replied, just as quietly. “Those who don’t already know, don’t need to know, and those who already do know, usually don’t want to know.”
“Hm. Fair point.”
“However,” Mukuro continued. “We have another Impossible To Win -battle awaiting. Now the larger army of Genkishi’s is going to try and destroy a weakened Gondor. If they succeed, our hope will be gone!”
“Oh, come on,” someone groaned. “A new fight? Dude.”
“Why should we help Gondor anyway?” another exclaimed. “I don’t see any Gondorians here, fighting with us!”
“Quickly, Strider who’s originally from Gondor,” Spanner said. “Come out of the closet. Out yourself!”
“I’m from Gondor,” Reborn confessed slightly reluctantly. Mukuro beamed at him with happiness from a distance that, had the ranger been luckier, would have been longer.
“So we’re going to save Gondor?” Gokudera said. “Teach the other Wizard a lesson?”
“Not only that,” Ryohei, showing off his newly developed intellectual level, said. “We can keep on giving Tsunayoshi enough time to destroy the ring. It’s all for Tsunayoshi’s sake!”
And that, more than the idea of World Peace™, convinced the others to keep fighting.
“To Isengrad we go!”
o basically we’re going to Isengrad because Lambo and Yamamoto are waiting for us there,” Reborn summed up Mukuro’s series or conclusions.
“And Genkishi is there too,” Mukuro added. “It’s time for us to finally settle the score. It’s time to show the world who’s the bitch here.”
“But if the Ents have taken over Isengrad, then surely Genkishi is already somewhere else. He’s a strong wizard - surely he could transform himself into something and flee?”
"That can't be right, because if it was right, I'd be wrong, and we definitely, DEFINITELY, cannot have that."
“You just don’t want to admit to being wrong,” Gokudera cut in. “I wonder how the Tenth is doing. I swear I’ll kill that elf if the Tenth is violated in any shape or form.”
“Yes,” Mukuro agreed. “The only one to be intimate with Tsunayoshi will be me.”
“I’d rather chop your arms off,” Gokudera deadpanned, but instead of feeling offended, Mukuro grinned.
“Well, if I don’t have arms, then he can just ride-“
“Don’t finish that sentence if you value your life.”
“Freedom of speech!”
“Freedom of speech with consideration, you-“
“How do we stop them?” Spanner asked, staring at Mukuro and Gokudera with wariness. “They’ll end up killing each other.”
“I don’t care. Just ignore them,” sniffed Reborn, who, if he couldn’t change anything, was going to pretend that he was above all the nonsense.
“Isengrad,” Théoden sighed. “Mochida will be there.”
“Who?” Reborn asked.
“That side-character mentioned during our first meeting.”
“Oh. So what about him? Will you just kill him?”
“…well…”
“Oh come on. He’s a traitor.”
“But he’s sort of pretty. I’m sure I can figure out something else.”
“I’m so proud,” Mukuro squealed. “Debauchery flourishing beneath my tender care!”
“You just made me impotent,” Gokudera stated flatly. “Shut up, you gross pile of-“
“How long will it take us to reach Isengrad?” Spanner wanted to know.
“A while,” Reborn replied, yawning. “What I wouldn’t do to have a Tunaman to cuddle on right now…”
e’ve been travelling southwards for two days,” Tsunayoshi whined. “When will we arrive?”
“We’re near the road from the Ruins of Osgiliath to Minas Ithil,” Levi replied. “Let’s hurry up, though.”
“My Intuition agrees with you on that,” Tsunayoshi sighed. “As if we’re being followed or something.”
“Don’t worry,” Squalo told him, reaching for the younger man’s hand. “I’ll keep you safe.” The look in the silver eyes was serious, and Tsunayoshi couldn’t help but blush like a fair maiden indeed.
“Please,” the brunet whispered, smiling. “Thank y-“
“Could we please save this romantic scene for later?” Levi pleaded. “We’re being hunted. We’re in danger. A bit more awareness of the situation, please!”
“Confusion is the first sign of falling in love,” Squalo said, ignoring the dark-haired creature whimpering nearby. “And I’m so confused that I wouldn’t find my way out of a condom.”
“Trust me, I sort of have the same deal going on,” Tsunayoshi confessed. “Only yesterday I was thinking that if there’s one person I could go watch the ocean with... it would be...”
“Who?” Squalo wanted to know. His heart was beating rapidly against his ribcage and hope stirred inside. Two steps away Levi was wondering from where the cheesy music was coming.
“It would be,” Tsunayoshi started again, but Levi’s panicked shriek cut him off. Squalo, for a few seconds, contemplated the effort needed to cut Levi before the reason of the thing’s fear appeared.
“The Riders,” the elf growls.
“Mother,” Tsunayoshi squeaks. “We must escape! You don’t know what she’ll do to me!”
“Well-“
“For the love of my penis, let’s go!”
_____________________________________________________________________
A/N: Ha! Finally I’m finishing thiiiis!
Part 3
Part 5