dinosaur drabbles
I wrote these a bajillion years ago because my mind works in strange ways. That, and I have no shame. Both were written in under ten minutes, so I apologize for…everything. Lol.
July 17, 2009
Title: That dinosaur fic
Group: Arashi
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 500+
Warnings: COMPLETE CRACK. NOTHING ABOUT THE FOLLOWING IS FACTUALLY ACCURATE. NOTHING. I AM SO SORRY.
Summary: Jun’s a raptor, and life is hard.
That dinosaur fic
Jun glances at Ohno, disdain steeped into his expression. His brow furrows, “Can’t you rip into your meat a little neater?”
Ohno swallows around a chicken, “We’re raptors, Jun.” As if that explains everything.
“Doesn’t mean we can’t be civilized,” Jun scoffs. He picks at his chicken carcass with a dainty sigh.
Meanwhile Sho waddles by and shields his eyes with a loud cry, “OH MY GOD. OHNO, DO YOU NEED TO DEVOUR THAT RIGHT HERE? CAN’T YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO YOUR LAIR?”
He stomps slowly and awkwardly; Jun just rolls his eyes, used to the stegosaurus’s outrage, “Sho, it’s not our fault you’re an herbivore.”
Sho glares, “WITH GOOD REASON. YOU CAN’T KEEP KILLING BUNNIES BECAUSE THEY TASTE GOOD.”
“Wanna bet?” Nino says as he flies toward them. Jun glares. He never did like pterodactyls, they always flew away right when Jun was ready to attack. Especially Nino, who seemed to take particular joy in tempting Jun.
“GO AWAY,” Sho whimpers, “Sometimes I think you fly towards my nest with dead carcasses and eat them right in front of me just to torture me.”
“You just figured this out?” Nino asks with a bored cock of his head.
Sho wails.
Meanwhile, a bunny hops by. Sho watches in dismay as blood rises to Jun’s eyes.
“I’ll be back,” Jun says innocently, sprinting off.
Sho waddles behind him anxiously, but Jun is much too fast. “THAT BUNNY NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU.”
“Except look delicious,” Nino croons.
“Delicious!” Ohno parrots, having now finished the first of his three chickens.
“NOT DELICIOUS,” Sho cries uselessly.
Nino caresses Ohno with his wing, “That’s right, baby, you keep eating that chicken.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM GOING TO GO AND EAT GRASS BECAUSE IT’S SO GOOD,” Sho yells, though Nino has his wing down Ohno’s tail and it doesn’t seem like they’re listening, “I’M GOING TO EAT GRASS, AND YOU’RE ALL GOING TO THINK, WOW. SHO IS SO SMART. I SHOULD SAVE THE BUNNIES AND EAT GRASS TOO.”
But Nino is already stealing some meat off of one of the chicken carcasses, and Sho nearly retches.
“HI GUYS.”
They turn around and stare. Nino raises a brow full of contempt, “Jun, why isn’t it dead yet?”
“Was it not tasty?” Ohno looks confused.
Jun snarls, “It won’t fucking stay still.”
The bunny giggles, “I like your scales, Jun-kun.”
“Oh god,” Nino points a wing to Jun and bursts out laughing, “Why does it know your name?”
“My name’s Aiba!” the bunny named Aiba smiles, “I live in that grove over there.”
Nino turns to Jun and Jun swallows. “It…he was cute, okay?” he mumbles under his breath, but Nino hears and laughs even louder.
Aiba hops onto Jun’s back and waves a cute little paw.
“THANK GOD,” Sho nearly explodes, “HI AIBA. I’M AN HERBIVORE. I WON’T EAT YOU.”
“YAY!” Aiba cheers. Ohno looks up from his chicken and waves.
“Cute,” Ohno says.
“Well, no one’s going to stop me from eating him,” Nino grumbles under his breath.
“Eating who?” Aiba asks, wide-eyed. Maybe he sparkles a little bit too.
“Oh nothing,” Nino crows innocently. He slaps a wing on Jun’s back and Jun glares. “You know this cancels out any and all of your street cred, right?” Nino cackles.
Jun twitches.
September 12, 2009
Title: It’s tough being a Stego
Group: Arashi; Sho x Nino
Rating: R for language
Word Count: 700+
Warnings: see above warnings T____T
Summary: Sho’s an average stegosaurus who just wants to get laid.
It’s tough being a Stego
Sometimes Sho really hates being a stegosaurus. He’s bulky, can’t move around, and all of his friends are raptors. Except Nino, who is a pterodactyl, but still sort of a bitch (and Aiba who’s a bunny but Aiba’s cute so whatever). The point is, he’s the only stegosaurus that he knows of.
And it really sucks. Sho’s life is hard. He always has to waddle everywhere, and it is so difficult leaning down and drinking out of the watering holes (his thick neck isn’t conducive to flexibility).
Raptors have it easy. They don’t have to strain their necks to eat the leaves off of trees. They don’t have to ignore the succulent meat of roaming bunnies and search for wilted grass (which is tasteless, but Sho still stands by it).
But worst of all, Sho hates being a stegosaurus because he can’t mate.
It’s really hard being the only stegosaurus in sight. And as much as he really loves Aiba, Aiba is a bunny. Sho would crush him (and yes, he’s thought about it).
But sometimes, Sho gets urges. Really intense urges. It’s because of the way Matsujun licks his lips after a tasty meal. It’s because of the way Nino massages his wings after a long flight. It’s because of the way Ohno rolls onto his back and mumbles Sho’s name in his sleep.
But Sho’s still a stegosaurus. He knows he’s pretty hung, and he knows he’ll give anyone who asks a good time. But it’s hard, when he’s the only one around to have sex with.
One day, he turns to Aiba with a frown, “I really want to have sex.”
Aiba grins, “That’s great! Sex is great! I have sex all the time, I love it. Yay sex~”
Sho has never been more traumatized.
But he is still horny. And a stegosaurus. The only one.
That night he suffers alone.
The next day, he tries again. “Hey Ohno!”
Ohno looks up sleepily, “Yeah, Sho?”
“I am really horny.”
Ohno blinks, “Well then, you should jack off or something.”
Sho stares; he’s never thought about that before.
That night, he cuddles under his bed of leaves and looks down. Which is hard because he’s a stegosaurus. His thick neck can only crane so far. But he grimaces and strains, and eventually, he can see it. So he reaches. Grunts.
It’s not his fault his leg is a stump.
He just can’t reach his large stegosaurus peen.
Perhaps Matsujun would have better advice. In the meantime, he goes to sleep feeling really uncomfortable and woeful.
"Hey Matsujun," he says the next morning.
Matsujun erupts from the lake, having finished his morning bath. Glares. “Sho. What. It is morning and I am cranky.”
“I really, really need to have sex.”
Matsujun pauses, “Well, I suppose that gives you the right to be more cranky than me. So go have sex then."
“But I can't,” Sho wails, "Who would I have sex with?"
“Point," Matsujun says.
He ponders.
“Maybe you can go on a journey. A long journey to distant lands. Find a female stego and bang her hard. Get it out of your system. You know. Enjoy life. Live out of your head for once."
It's the wisest thing Sho has ever heard Matsujun say. So the next day, he packs his bags and heads toward a far off rainbow.
Ten days later, he walks back into their enclave and Aiba waves, "Hey Sho how was your trip did you get laid?"
Sho sighs, "No. It turns out I'm not popular with the ladies."
"Oh," Aiba says. As if it has never occurred to him that good looking Sho could ever be bad with the ladies. Though Aiba's not one to talk. He has frenzied rabbit sex all the time. He is practically a bunny sex GOD. Must suck to be Sho.
“Must suck to be you," Aiba offers helpfully.
Sho whimpers.
At that moment, Nino flies down.
“Hey guys, what's going on? You won't believe all the bunnies I killed the past few weeks. It was a feast!"
Sho sighs, "Nino. I just really want to get laid."
Nino blinks. "Oh. Okay. Come to my nest tonight."
Sho is confused. "Why. What's in your nest?"
Nino rolls his eyes. "Dead carcasses and my massive peen. You in?"
Sho contemplates, and then he shrugs.
"Why not?"
That night, everyone in a five mile radius gets to hear what a Stegosaurus in burning passion sounds like.
(Nino flies around with a limp wing for months after.)
THE END.
AN: ...Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking either lol. Props for getting this far? T___________T
July 17, 2009
Title: That dinosaur fic
Group: Arashi
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 500+
Warnings: COMPLETE CRACK. NOTHING ABOUT THE FOLLOWING IS FACTUALLY ACCURATE. NOTHING. I AM SO SORRY.
Summary: Jun’s a raptor, and life is hard.
That dinosaur fic
Jun glances at Ohno, disdain steeped into his expression. His brow furrows, “Can’t you rip into your meat a little neater?”
Ohno swallows around a chicken, “We’re raptors, Jun.” As if that explains everything.
“Doesn’t mean we can’t be civilized,” Jun scoffs. He picks at his chicken carcass with a dainty sigh.
Meanwhile Sho waddles by and shields his eyes with a loud cry, “OH MY GOD. OHNO, DO YOU NEED TO DEVOUR THAT RIGHT HERE? CAN’T YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO YOUR LAIR?”
He stomps slowly and awkwardly; Jun just rolls his eyes, used to the stegosaurus’s outrage, “Sho, it’s not our fault you’re an herbivore.”
Sho glares, “WITH GOOD REASON. YOU CAN’T KEEP KILLING BUNNIES BECAUSE THEY TASTE GOOD.”
“Wanna bet?” Nino says as he flies toward them. Jun glares. He never did like pterodactyls, they always flew away right when Jun was ready to attack. Especially Nino, who seemed to take particular joy in tempting Jun.
“GO AWAY,” Sho whimpers, “Sometimes I think you fly towards my nest with dead carcasses and eat them right in front of me just to torture me.”
“You just figured this out?” Nino asks with a bored cock of his head.
Sho wails.
Meanwhile, a bunny hops by. Sho watches in dismay as blood rises to Jun’s eyes.
“I’ll be back,” Jun says innocently, sprinting off.
Sho waddles behind him anxiously, but Jun is much too fast. “THAT BUNNY NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU.”
“Except look delicious,” Nino croons.
“Delicious!” Ohno parrots, having now finished the first of his three chickens.
“NOT DELICIOUS,” Sho cries uselessly.
Nino caresses Ohno with his wing, “That’s right, baby, you keep eating that chicken.”
“YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM GOING TO GO AND EAT GRASS BECAUSE IT’S SO GOOD,” Sho yells, though Nino has his wing down Ohno’s tail and it doesn’t seem like they’re listening, “I’M GOING TO EAT GRASS, AND YOU’RE ALL GOING TO THINK, WOW. SHO IS SO SMART. I SHOULD SAVE THE BUNNIES AND EAT GRASS TOO.”
But Nino is already stealing some meat off of one of the chicken carcasses, and Sho nearly retches.
“HI GUYS.”
They turn around and stare. Nino raises a brow full of contempt, “Jun, why isn’t it dead yet?”
“Was it not tasty?” Ohno looks confused.
Jun snarls, “It won’t fucking stay still.”
The bunny giggles, “I like your scales, Jun-kun.”
“Oh god,” Nino points a wing to Jun and bursts out laughing, “Why does it know your name?”
“My name’s Aiba!” the bunny named Aiba smiles, “I live in that grove over there.”
Nino turns to Jun and Jun swallows. “It…he was cute, okay?” he mumbles under his breath, but Nino hears and laughs even louder.
Aiba hops onto Jun’s back and waves a cute little paw.
“THANK GOD,” Sho nearly explodes, “HI AIBA. I’M AN HERBIVORE. I WON’T EAT YOU.”
“YAY!” Aiba cheers. Ohno looks up from his chicken and waves.
“Cute,” Ohno says.
“Well, no one’s going to stop me from eating him,” Nino grumbles under his breath.
“Eating who?” Aiba asks, wide-eyed. Maybe he sparkles a little bit too.
“Oh nothing,” Nino crows innocently. He slaps a wing on Jun’s back and Jun glares. “You know this cancels out any and all of your street cred, right?” Nino cackles.
Jun twitches.
September 12, 2009
Title: It’s tough being a Stego
Group: Arashi; Sho x Nino
Rating: R for language
Word Count: 700+
Warnings: see above warnings T____T
Summary: Sho’s an average stegosaurus who just wants to get laid.
It’s tough being a Stego
Sometimes Sho really hates being a stegosaurus. He’s bulky, can’t move around, and all of his friends are raptors. Except Nino, who is a pterodactyl, but still sort of a bitch (and Aiba who’s a bunny but Aiba’s cute so whatever). The point is, he’s the only stegosaurus that he knows of.
And it really sucks. Sho’s life is hard. He always has to waddle everywhere, and it is so difficult leaning down and drinking out of the watering holes (his thick neck isn’t conducive to flexibility).
Raptors have it easy. They don’t have to strain their necks to eat the leaves off of trees. They don’t have to ignore the succulent meat of roaming bunnies and search for wilted grass (which is tasteless, but Sho still stands by it).
But worst of all, Sho hates being a stegosaurus because he can’t mate.
It’s really hard being the only stegosaurus in sight. And as much as he really loves Aiba, Aiba is a bunny. Sho would crush him (and yes, he’s thought about it).
But sometimes, Sho gets urges. Really intense urges. It’s because of the way Matsujun licks his lips after a tasty meal. It’s because of the way Nino massages his wings after a long flight. It’s because of the way Ohno rolls onto his back and mumbles Sho’s name in his sleep.
But Sho’s still a stegosaurus. He knows he’s pretty hung, and he knows he’ll give anyone who asks a good time. But it’s hard, when he’s the only one around to have sex with.
One day, he turns to Aiba with a frown, “I really want to have sex.”
Aiba grins, “That’s great! Sex is great! I have sex all the time, I love it. Yay sex~”
Sho has never been more traumatized.
But he is still horny. And a stegosaurus. The only one.
That night he suffers alone.
The next day, he tries again. “Hey Ohno!”
Ohno looks up sleepily, “Yeah, Sho?”
“I am really horny.”
Ohno blinks, “Well then, you should jack off or something.”
Sho stares; he’s never thought about that before.
That night, he cuddles under his bed of leaves and looks down. Which is hard because he’s a stegosaurus. His thick neck can only crane so far. But he grimaces and strains, and eventually, he can see it. So he reaches. Grunts.
It’s not his fault his leg is a stump.
He just can’t reach his large stegosaurus peen.
Perhaps Matsujun would have better advice. In the meantime, he goes to sleep feeling really uncomfortable and woeful.
"Hey Matsujun," he says the next morning.
Matsujun erupts from the lake, having finished his morning bath. Glares. “Sho. What. It is morning and I am cranky.”
“I really, really need to have sex.”
Matsujun pauses, “Well, I suppose that gives you the right to be more cranky than me. So go have sex then."
“But I can't,” Sho wails, "Who would I have sex with?"
“Point," Matsujun says.
He ponders.
“Maybe you can go on a journey. A long journey to distant lands. Find a female stego and bang her hard. Get it out of your system. You know. Enjoy life. Live out of your head for once."
It's the wisest thing Sho has ever heard Matsujun say. So the next day, he packs his bags and heads toward a far off rainbow.
Ten days later, he walks back into their enclave and Aiba waves, "Hey Sho how was your trip did you get laid?"
Sho sighs, "No. It turns out I'm not popular with the ladies."
"Oh," Aiba says. As if it has never occurred to him that good looking Sho could ever be bad with the ladies. Though Aiba's not one to talk. He has frenzied rabbit sex all the time. He is practically a bunny sex GOD. Must suck to be Sho.
“Must suck to be you," Aiba offers helpfully.
Sho whimpers.
At that moment, Nino flies down.
“Hey guys, what's going on? You won't believe all the bunnies I killed the past few weeks. It was a feast!"
Sho sighs, "Nino. I just really want to get laid."
Nino blinks. "Oh. Okay. Come to my nest tonight."
Sho is confused. "Why. What's in your nest?"
Nino rolls his eyes. "Dead carcasses and my massive peen. You in?"
Sho contemplates, and then he shrugs.
"Why not?"
That night, everyone in a five mile radius gets to hear what a Stegosaurus in burning passion sounds like.
(Nino flies around with a limp wing for months after.)
THE END.
AN: ...Yeah. I don't know what I was thinking either lol. Props for getting this far? T___________T