Comments | triplescorpio: Brigit's Flame Week Three

triplescorpio

Brigit's Flame Week Three

Jul 23, 2010 16:13

Brigit’s Flame July Week 3

Prompt: Hats

THE RED HAT

Mandy had never looked good in a hat. She didn’t even own one, preferring to wear a coat with a hood when the weather grew cold or inclement. Summer presented a bit of a problem because Mandy has that fair skin that burns and never tans, but the solution was ( Read more... )

brigit's flame

Comments 11

Hello from one of your editors! fawatson July 25 2010, 17:25:56 UTC

I will be developing some editing comments in the next few days. How do you want to receive them? I can post them here or send them in a separate email. Please let me know your preference.

Re: Hello from one of your editors! triplescorpio July 25 2010, 18:05:10 UTC

Either would be okay, whichever is easiest for you. Do you use the email on LJ, or do you need my private email?

Comments from one of your editors! fawatson July 31 2010, 11:07:46 UTC

GeneralThere is a lovely pathos is this story, and it makes me feel considerable sympathy for Mandy (who sounds like the type of person I usually make scathing comments about). I don’t quite understand how Mandy and Maria remain friends given their completely opposite approaches to growing old, but I suspended disbelief as the conversations between the two were used well to progress the storyline. The real point to the story - that Mandy tries to look younger than she really is because she wants to attract a mate - was nicely understated, which enhanced its impact. The story is generally well-written, with good choice of language, and is a nice length. The prompt was used well. In paragraph one, however, you switch between present and past tenses. Given the rest of the story is in past tense, I recommend you revised as follows (I’ve put the changes in bold so you can spot them easily ( ... )

mr_lexington July 26 2010, 13:48:29 UTC

Rock on, Mandy. (Naturally, Google Ads has no sense of irony, sharing www.redhatsandmore.com with me.)

triplescorpio July 26 2010, 21:38:55 UTC

That's hysterical.

lolafalola July 26 2010, 15:03:27 UTC

I know these two women. (Actually, I am one of these two women.

For me, you're story ran true and was completely believable. I liked how Mandy took a new turn on that old poem without even realizing. The rocking chair was a nice touch as well.

Good story and good luck!

lacombe August 1 2010, 12:32:05 UTC

Heya! Your second editor here!

http://www.brigits-flame.com/edits/triplescorpio-july-25-2010.php

I had a blast reading it! Thanks so much!

triplescorpio August 1 2010, 20:21:51 UTC

Thanks so much Jacques! Your suggestions are right on and I really appreciate the constructive criticism. I've missed writing for the Flame. Glad to be back and I'm glad you liked my story.

lacombe August 2 2010, 14:48:11 UTC

I'm so glad you liked the edit! I was glad to see that you were back competing-- are you going to join in August too? I'll be able to compete all the way to week four under an alias now that I've stepped down.

triplescorpio August 2 2010, 21:00:11 UTC

Yeah, I signed up for August. I'll have to see if I can guess who you are!

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