Brigit's Flame Week Three

[triplescorpio]

Brigit’s Flame July Week 3

Prompt:  Hats

THE RED HAT

Mandy had never looked good in a hat. She didn’t even own one, preferring to wear a coat with a hood when the weather grew cold or inclement.  Summer presented a bit of a problem because Mandy has that fair skin that burns and never tans, but the solution was

Comments

Comments from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

General

There is a lovely pathos is this story, and it makes me feel considerable sympathy for Mandy (who sounds like the type of person I usually make scathing comments about). I don’t quite understand how Mandy and Maria remain friends given their completely opposite approaches to growing old, but I suspended disbelief as the conversations between the two were used well to progress the storyline. The real point to the story - that Mandy tries to look younger than she really is because she wants to attract a mate - was nicely understated, which enhanced its impact. The story is generally well-written, with good choice of language, and is a nice length. The prompt was used well. In paragraph one, however, you switch between present and past tenses. Given the rest of the story is in past tense, I recommend you revised as follows (I’ve put the changes in bold so you can spot them easily):

Mandy had never looked good in a hat. She didn’t even own one, preferring to wear a coat with a hood when the weather grew cold or inclement. Summer presented a bit of a problem because Mandy had that fair skin that burns and never tans, but the solution was frequent applications of facial sun-block, the kind that prevented aging of course. And Mandy did look young for her age. She was proud of the fact that most people assumed she was in her mid-forties, a good ten years younger than she actually was. So, when Mandy opened the red envelope that had come in the mail and read the invitation inside, it posed a bit of a quandary.

Specific

All the suggestions below are about minor points, in all cases the kind that writers often notice when proofreading but which can slip through when writing under pressure to a tight deadline. In all cases I have quoted what you wrote in italics and followed immediately with my suggestion.

“Well, hi there,” her usual greeting.
“Well, hi there,” came her usual greeting. (verb needed)

it used to be n old library
it used to be an old library (typo)

acknowledge it, though,” she said, “And certainly not
acknowledge it, though,” she said, “and certainly not (punctuation)

in fact did look like she was in
in fact did look as though she was in (or ‘as if’ - grammar)