Brigit's Flame Week 2 Entry: Nine Lives
I’ve always believed in true love. I’ve just never found it. Oh, sometimes I thought I had. But then it never lasted, so how true was it, then? I’ve been heartbroken several times; I know I’ve caused heartbreak myself. It’s out there, though, I can sense it, feel the promise of its possibilities. I think, for me, the purpose of
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Here's hoping for the last!
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Here we go....
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1. casement window is a fantastic, simple choice. Strong, clean image for us with a word that isn't used enough! Nice work!
2. Again, I applaud your simple, evocative sentiments. "I discovered that orgasms were delicious and I had them easily and often. ". Beautiful.
3. Minor typo: from Rober, = from Robert.
4. There's something so frighteningly and beautifully human about this final sentiment in the John "section" of the piece and I'd like to compliment the decision to finalize that "section" with: " But the sex was so very good . . .". Very interesting, visceral ( ... )
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GeneralAlthough the title is “Annie’s Story”, this isn’t really a story but the reminiscence of an emotionally insecure and shallow woman. You chose to write in the first person and as a narrative. This was a very effective voice to use (well done), so the image of the protagonist’s character comes through clearly, and that is a real strength of your work. However, I suggest you take another look at the structure of the piece as a whole. It meanders through various accounts of Annie’s relationships with men in a somewhat aimless way. True, this reflects her aimless life, but I cannot help thinking a little more structure would serve you better. As it ( ... )
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All the comments below are about quite minor points, many of them the kind of typo (etc) which is addressed by careful proofreading and editing (which is always difficult to achieve when writing o a strict deadline as you do for the BF competition). In all cases I have quoted what you wrote first in italics and immediately followed with my suggestion.
But then it never lasted, so how true was it, then?
But then it never lasted, so how true was it? (reducing repetition)
And I was shy, feeling so very awkward
And I was shy, felt so very awkward (verb tense)
ashiness
Try: ‘ash’ (or just remove the word entirely)
twilight seep into through the
Either ‘into’ or ‘through’, but not both
But the experience was, well, less than memorable.
Try: But the experience was - well - less than memorable. (the dash provides more emphasis than the comma)
from the start, but only emotionally, not sexually.
Try: from the start - but only emotionally, not sexually. (the dash provides more emphasis than the comma)
is tha despitethat ( ... )
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