Brigit's Flame Week 2 Entry: Nine Lives
I’ve always believed in true love. I’ve just never found it. Oh, sometimes I thought I had. But then it never lasted, so how true was it, then? I’ve been heartbroken several times; I know I’ve caused heartbreak myself. It’s out there, though, I can sense it, feel the promise of its possibilities. I think, for me, the purpose of
( Read more... )
General
Although the title is “Annie’s Story”, this isn’t really a story but the reminiscence of an emotionally insecure and shallow woman. You chose to write in the first person and as a narrative. This was a very effective voice to use (well done), so the image of the protagonist’s character comes through clearly, and that is a real strength of your work. However, I suggest you take another look at the structure of the piece as a whole. It meanders through various accounts of Annie’s relationships with men in a somewhat aimless way. True, this reflects her aimless life, but I cannot help thinking a little more structure would serve you better. As it is, I am left wondering ‘what is the point to this account’. There are points when you drop tantalising pieces of information into the account, almost as throwaways (e.g. we are told that the relationship with Roberts was “tempestuous from the start, but only emotionally, not sexually”), which are never followed up. That is a shame as they are missed opportunities to give this account more of a point. I am also left wondering what led this woman - finally - into therapy in her fifties. She showed no real signs of self-awareness before and there is nothing in her account which suggests she developed it later; so she does not appear, from the facts presented, to be a likely candidate to commence therapy (still less someone who might follow her therapist’s advice to abstain from sex).
The paragraphing is generally good; the choice of language apt (though you overuse ‘desperate’ somewhat); and the spelling, grammar and punctuation are generally good (with minor errors noted below). There is, however, a recurring error in your use of ellipsis. You should use three dots in an ellipsis at the beginning or middle of a sentence, and four at the end (three plus a full stop to indicate the end of a sentence). In addition, you have a tendency to use ellipsis to end paragraphs. Once in a while this can be effective, but it is a technique which has been overused here.
Reply
All the comments below are about quite minor points, many of them the kind of typo (etc) which is addressed by careful proofreading and editing (which is always difficult to achieve when writing o a strict deadline as you do for the BF competition). In all cases I have quoted what you wrote first in italics and immediately followed with my suggestion.
But then it never lasted, so how true was it, then?
But then it never lasted, so how true was it? (reducing repetition)
And I was shy, feeling so very awkward
And I was shy, felt so very awkward (verb tense)
ashiness
Try: ‘ash’ (or just remove the word entirely)
twilight seep into through the
Either ‘into’ or ‘through’, but not both
But the experience was, well, less than memorable.
Try: But the experience was - well - less than memorable. (the dash provides more emphasis than the comma)
from the start, but only emotionally, not sexually.
Try: from the start - but only emotionally, not sexually. (the dash provides more emphasis than the comma)
is tha despite
that (typo)
felt, or the desperate
Try: felt, and the desperate (choice of word)
our relationship he and his
our relationship, he and his (punctuaton)
I felt like I found
I felt as though I found (grammar)
separation from Rober,
Robert (typo)
And I decided to marry him, just months after my divorce from Robert was final. After I discovered he was a narcotics addict. Before I found out that without Vicoden soothing his nervous system, he was ugly-mean and abusive.
Try: And I decided to marry him, just months after my divorce from Robert was final - after I discovered he was a narcotics addict (before I found out that without Vicoden soothing his nervous system, he was ugly-mean and abusive). (punctuation/emphasis)
and said “I’m gonna kill you,” in a fit of rage he was escorted out of my house by the police.
Try: and said “I’m gonna kill you,” in a fit of rage; he was escorted out of my house by the police. (punctuation to clarify meaning since otherwise it reads that he was in a fit of rage when escorted out, when in fact I think you probably mean he was in a rage when he made the threat).
Nice lines
Robert I married. (Short and to the point, which adds emphasis; and the unconventional sentence construction enhances its power.)
The disappointment settled on me with desperation (however, to enhance its impact: (1) remove the ellipsis and use a full stop instead and (2) remove desperate - or any variant of this word - from everywhere else in the story).
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment