Fic - Chastity Perdu, Much's Mary Sue
Title: Chastity Perdu, Much's Mary Sue
Author: omteddy2006
Word Count: 1,504
Rating: JPS (Just Plain Stupid)
Characters: Much, Robin, Allan, Little John, Will, Djaq, OC
Disclaimer: The BBC owes Robin Hood 2006, however, I doubt very seriously if they would ever lay claim to Chastity Perdu.
Summary: The outlaws are introduced to a unbelievable newcomer who sweeps Much off of his feet. Yes, Much gets the girl!!!! WOO!
Author's Note/Warning: This fic is mostly the fault of ladylovelace who suggested a Mary Sue fic contest at hoodland . In her defense, she limited us to 750-words. Here, I inflict upon you the entire ghastly thing, un-betaed, uncensored, and completely unnecessary.
The outlaws waited in the forest, as they had been instructed to do so by their leader. After what seemed like several hours, Djaq piped up, "Shhhh! Voices."
Expecting only Robin, the gang scrambled to safety. Soon, however, they realized that one of the happy voices was, in fact, Robin of Locksley's.
"My gang!" he called cheerfully.
Five well-trained outlaws dutifully popped out from cover. The last to pop out were Much's eyes. Standing next to Robin was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen-sun-drenched skin, eyes like sapphires with raven-colored tresses blowing in the breeze. She stood next to Robin, her foot perched on a rock and one hand saucily set on her hip; head up and chest out. Much thought that she was magnificent.
"This," Robin said, "is Chastity Perdu. She has just saved my life."
There was an animated explosion - a flurry of questions all directed toward Robin. Much, however, directed his attentions toward the lady.
"Hello, milady," Much gulped. Before he could add "welcome to Sherwood Forest," Chastity burst into laughter.
"Mon cher," she chuckled, "I am no lady."
"Oh, French. I don't speak French very well..." Much muttered.
"Zat is fine. I speak ze English good, no?" she said, patting him on the cheek.
Having mollified the rest of the gang, Robin said, "Now, take Chastity back to camp... blindfolded, of course."
Chastity Perdu pulled a silk handkerchief from her ample bosom. After tying it around her, Robin turned and headed in the opposite direction.
“Where are you going?” Much asked, lightly grasping Chastity’s arm as he prepared to guide her through the forest.
“I’ve urgent business at Knighton Hall,” Robin replied and then was gone.
“I’ve got an urge for business myself,” Allan lewdly added, from Chastity's other side.
Much glared, but Chastity laughed coyly and called Allan a “coquin.” Much wondered what that meant. With Little John in the lead and Will and Djaq bringing up the rear, Much and Allan guided Chastity over roots, through underbrush and around obstacles. It was not an easy task and at one point, Chastity tripped. Much clumsily put a hand out to catch her fall and caught her...across the chest. As his hand brushed her decolletage, Chastity gasped slightly in surprise.
"Such soft hands for a man, mon amie!"
Much turned bright crimson and Allan chuckled. Little John, noting the commotion, turned and glared at both but said nothing. He only sighed and shook his head. Much looked to the rear to see if his gaffe had been noticed by Will and Djaq, but they were nowhere to be seen.
"Allan!" Much hissed. "Where are Will and Djaq? Weren't they right behind us?"
Allan shrugged. "Aww, y'know those two. They probably are right behind us. They've gotten really good at sneaking off undetected lately. They're probably twenty yards back, hiding in the underbrush, and we just can't see them."
Much thought that explanation was plausible and said nothing more.
Back at camp, everyone was on edge. No one knew what to make of the newcomer, nor what they were supposed to do with her until Robin returned. Chastity tried to break the tension by challenging any of the outlaws to spar with her.
Allan readily agreed, jumping up with his long sword. Much watched as Chastity brandished not one, but two, highly-polished swords. In moments, the entire camp was watching. In a few minutes, Allan was disarmed.
All were impressed. Through ragged breaths, Allan asked where Chastity had learned such a skill.
"As a mere girl, I was shipwrecked. The only survivor. I was found by pirates who took me onto their ship and raised me as their own."
Little John cocked an eyebrow and asked skeptically, "Pirates?"
"Oui! Perhaps you have heard of the Dread Pirate Roberts, no?"
"You sailed with the Dread Pirate Roberts?" It was Djaq's turn to question. She had been on ships before, unfortunately, and never seen a woman on any of them.
"Only until I came of age. Once I became a woman, I was no longer welcome onboard."
"And the Dread Pirate Roberts? He showed you how to fight using two swords?" Much asked, still very impressed and not nearly as skeptical as the others.
"No. No, Cher. It was his first mate, the not-so-dread-but-still-very-very-bad-pirate-Turner who showed me how to fight like zis," Chastity answered.
"So, when you became a...er...woman," Allan said, clearing his throat in a way that made Much irritated for some reason, "where did you go then?"
"The Dread Pirate Roberts sent me to a convent on the coast of France, near where my family once lived. There I became a novice and lived amongst the nuns for many years."
"You're a nun?!" Allan blurted. Much couldn't tell if it was merely surprise or excitement that prompted such a strong reaction from Allan to the news.
"Alas, no. I had been with ze pirates too long. I loved men too much to take ze Holy Orders." Chastity sighed as if contemplating the road not taken.
Much was about to ask her a question of great religious import when Allan cut in and asked for a private tutorial on double-handed sword fighting. Chastity agreed and the two headed somewhere just outside of camp to practice.
Much retreated to the kitchen…and his own thoughts, She’s perfect for Allan. Not really my type at all…
Much was so busy straightening the larder that he had almost forgotten about Chastity. So, when she appeared behind him, he jumped, cutting his hand on a paring knife.
“Mon dieu! Let me see!”She grasped his hand tenderly. “Such soft hands; no wonder the knife cuts so deep.”
Her blue eyes gazed up at Much and he knew that she knew whose soft hands had grabbed her earlier in the forest. Much gulped, but stood transfixed.
“Cher, you cannot cook with zis hand. Let me take you to dinner tonight, yes?”
Much nodded.
Later than evening, Much sat in a small tavern on the outskirts of Nottingham wondering how he had gotten there. The wretched little place was owned by one of Chastity's countrymen and she took the lead in ordering dinner, in French. Much understood enough of the language to know that she had ordered fish.
She likes fish just like John’s Alice. Maybe she would make a good companion to John, Much thought, reassessing her grand stature and overall… er… qualities.
Much remained mute, so Chastity started the conversation. She said that Will reminded her of the village boys back in France and not an outlaw at all.
“Oh, but he’s very clever, our Will. And, a talented craftsman. He is very good with wood.”
“Ahhh, so am I,” Chastity replied. Much thought she might be a good companion for Will until she brushed his leg with her hand and he realized that, in her case, "good with wood" was probably a euphemism.
The fish arrived and Much noted with slight distress that it still had the head on. Its glassy eye stared at him, increasing his overall feeling of unease.
"I always ask for the head on," Chastity explained. "You would not believe what some inns serve zese days! And they call it 'chicken', always 'chicken'. If you want to know what you are eating... leave ze head on!"
Much made a mental note to move his refuse pile of carcasses even farther away from camp, lest someone stumble upon a "chicken" pelt.
Chastity tucked into her meal heartily and continued carrying the conversation. “I have known many Saracen boys like that one, Djaq.”
Much wanted to point out that Djaq was a woman, but something in Chastity’s expression made him think she might already know. Suddenly, Much wanted to know what Chastity meant by "have known many" and "Saracen boys" for that matter!
“What I really like, mon Cher,” Chastity said, “is a man who knows how to treat a woman. One who knows how to love; who doesn’t expect servitude in return' and who knows how to be nurtured.”
Much, much later that evening, as Much lay next to Chastity in a quiet glen in the forest in post-coital, nurturing bliss, he told her that she was “perfect.”
She smiled, but then said, “No. I have a very…annoying… habit.”
“You? No…”
“Oui! I sing at inappropriate times,” she said, suddenly breaking into boisterous song.
After the third key change in as many stanzas, Much joined in. He had never heard anyone so inept at carrying a tune in his life. How could anyone so beautiful sing so horribly? He sang even louder in an attempt to drown her voice out. Soon, he and Chastity were singing and rolling around in soft green grass, naked bodies pressed together.
Much knew that they should return to the camp soon, that the others would be looking for them. But, maybe they could wait a little while longer. He had waited so long for this moment...
Much had found the perfect woman at last.
Author: omteddy2006
Word Count: 1,504
Rating: JPS (Just Plain Stupid)
Characters: Much, Robin, Allan, Little John, Will, Djaq, OC
Disclaimer: The BBC owes Robin Hood 2006, however, I doubt very seriously if they would ever lay claim to Chastity Perdu.
Summary: The outlaws are introduced to a unbelievable newcomer who sweeps Much off of his feet. Yes, Much gets the girl!!!! WOO!
Author's Note/Warning: This fic is mostly the fault of ladylovelace who suggested a Mary Sue fic contest at hoodland . In her defense, she limited us to 750-words. Here, I inflict upon you the entire ghastly thing, un-betaed, uncensored, and completely unnecessary.
The outlaws waited in the forest, as they had been instructed to do so by their leader. After what seemed like several hours, Djaq piped up, "Shhhh! Voices."
Expecting only Robin, the gang scrambled to safety. Soon, however, they realized that one of the happy voices was, in fact, Robin of Locksley's.
"My gang!" he called cheerfully.
Five well-trained outlaws dutifully popped out from cover. The last to pop out were Much's eyes. Standing next to Robin was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen-sun-drenched skin, eyes like sapphires with raven-colored tresses blowing in the breeze. She stood next to Robin, her foot perched on a rock and one hand saucily set on her hip; head up and chest out. Much thought that she was magnificent.
"This," Robin said, "is Chastity Perdu. She has just saved my life."
There was an animated explosion - a flurry of questions all directed toward Robin. Much, however, directed his attentions toward the lady.
"Hello, milady," Much gulped. Before he could add "welcome to Sherwood Forest," Chastity burst into laughter.
"Mon cher," she chuckled, "I am no lady."
"Oh, French. I don't speak French very well..." Much muttered.
"Zat is fine. I speak ze English good, no?" she said, patting him on the cheek.
Having mollified the rest of the gang, Robin said, "Now, take Chastity back to camp... blindfolded, of course."
Chastity Perdu pulled a silk handkerchief from her ample bosom. After tying it around her, Robin turned and headed in the opposite direction.
“Where are you going?” Much asked, lightly grasping Chastity’s arm as he prepared to guide her through the forest.
“I’ve urgent business at Knighton Hall,” Robin replied and then was gone.
“I’ve got an urge for business myself,” Allan lewdly added, from Chastity's other side.
Much glared, but Chastity laughed coyly and called Allan a “coquin.” Much wondered what that meant. With Little John in the lead and Will and Djaq bringing up the rear, Much and Allan guided Chastity over roots, through underbrush and around obstacles. It was not an easy task and at one point, Chastity tripped. Much clumsily put a hand out to catch her fall and caught her...across the chest. As his hand brushed her decolletage, Chastity gasped slightly in surprise.
"Such soft hands for a man, mon amie!"
Much turned bright crimson and Allan chuckled. Little John, noting the commotion, turned and glared at both but said nothing. He only sighed and shook his head. Much looked to the rear to see if his gaffe had been noticed by Will and Djaq, but they were nowhere to be seen.
"Allan!" Much hissed. "Where are Will and Djaq? Weren't they right behind us?"
Allan shrugged. "Aww, y'know those two. They probably are right behind us. They've gotten really good at sneaking off undetected lately. They're probably twenty yards back, hiding in the underbrush, and we just can't see them."
Much thought that explanation was plausible and said nothing more.
Back at camp, everyone was on edge. No one knew what to make of the newcomer, nor what they were supposed to do with her until Robin returned. Chastity tried to break the tension by challenging any of the outlaws to spar with her.
Allan readily agreed, jumping up with his long sword. Much watched as Chastity brandished not one, but two, highly-polished swords. In moments, the entire camp was watching. In a few minutes, Allan was disarmed.
All were impressed. Through ragged breaths, Allan asked where Chastity had learned such a skill.
"As a mere girl, I was shipwrecked. The only survivor. I was found by pirates who took me onto their ship and raised me as their own."
Little John cocked an eyebrow and asked skeptically, "Pirates?"
"Oui! Perhaps you have heard of the Dread Pirate Roberts, no?"
"You sailed with the Dread Pirate Roberts?" It was Djaq's turn to question. She had been on ships before, unfortunately, and never seen a woman on any of them.
"Only until I came of age. Once I became a woman, I was no longer welcome onboard."
"And the Dread Pirate Roberts? He showed you how to fight using two swords?" Much asked, still very impressed and not nearly as skeptical as the others.
"No. No, Cher. It was his first mate, the not-so-dread-but-still-very-very-bad-pirate-Turner who showed me how to fight like zis," Chastity answered.
"So, when you became a...er...woman," Allan said, clearing his throat in a way that made Much irritated for some reason, "where did you go then?"
"The Dread Pirate Roberts sent me to a convent on the coast of France, near where my family once lived. There I became a novice and lived amongst the nuns for many years."
"You're a nun?!" Allan blurted. Much couldn't tell if it was merely surprise or excitement that prompted such a strong reaction from Allan to the news.
"Alas, no. I had been with ze pirates too long. I loved men too much to take ze Holy Orders." Chastity sighed as if contemplating the road not taken.
Much was about to ask her a question of great religious import when Allan cut in and asked for a private tutorial on double-handed sword fighting. Chastity agreed and the two headed somewhere just outside of camp to practice.
Much retreated to the kitchen…and his own thoughts, She’s perfect for Allan. Not really my type at all…
Much was so busy straightening the larder that he had almost forgotten about Chastity. So, when she appeared behind him, he jumped, cutting his hand on a paring knife.
“Mon dieu! Let me see!”She grasped his hand tenderly. “Such soft hands; no wonder the knife cuts so deep.”
Her blue eyes gazed up at Much and he knew that she knew whose soft hands had grabbed her earlier in the forest. Much gulped, but stood transfixed.
“Cher, you cannot cook with zis hand. Let me take you to dinner tonight, yes?”
Much nodded.
Later than evening, Much sat in a small tavern on the outskirts of Nottingham wondering how he had gotten there. The wretched little place was owned by one of Chastity's countrymen and she took the lead in ordering dinner, in French. Much understood enough of the language to know that she had ordered fish.
She likes fish just like John’s Alice. Maybe she would make a good companion to John, Much thought, reassessing her grand stature and overall… er… qualities.
Much remained mute, so Chastity started the conversation. She said that Will reminded her of the village boys back in France and not an outlaw at all.
“Oh, but he’s very clever, our Will. And, a talented craftsman. He is very good with wood.”
“Ahhh, so am I,” Chastity replied. Much thought she might be a good companion for Will until she brushed his leg with her hand and he realized that, in her case, "good with wood" was probably a euphemism.
The fish arrived and Much noted with slight distress that it still had the head on. Its glassy eye stared at him, increasing his overall feeling of unease.
"I always ask for the head on," Chastity explained. "You would not believe what some inns serve zese days! And they call it 'chicken', always 'chicken'. If you want to know what you are eating... leave ze head on!"
Much made a mental note to move his refuse pile of carcasses even farther away from camp, lest someone stumble upon a "chicken" pelt.
Chastity tucked into her meal heartily and continued carrying the conversation. “I have known many Saracen boys like that one, Djaq.”
Much wanted to point out that Djaq was a woman, but something in Chastity’s expression made him think she might already know. Suddenly, Much wanted to know what Chastity meant by "have known many" and "Saracen boys" for that matter!
“What I really like, mon Cher,” Chastity said, “is a man who knows how to treat a woman. One who knows how to love; who doesn’t expect servitude in return' and who knows how to be nurtured.”
Much, much later that evening, as Much lay next to Chastity in a quiet glen in the forest in post-coital, nurturing bliss, he told her that she was “perfect.”
She smiled, but then said, “No. I have a very…annoying… habit.”
“You? No…”
“Oui! I sing at inappropriate times,” she said, suddenly breaking into boisterous song.
After the third key change in as many stanzas, Much joined in. He had never heard anyone so inept at carrying a tune in his life. How could anyone so beautiful sing so horribly? He sang even louder in an attempt to drown her voice out. Soon, he and Chastity were singing and rolling around in soft green grass, naked bodies pressed together.
Much knew that they should return to the camp soon, that the others would be looking for them. But, maybe they could wait a little while longer. He had waited so long for this moment...
Much had found the perfect woman at last.