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[rozzyjane]

Hey everyone,
I've been wanting to post for a while and agonizing about what to say. I think I just need some advice, support, a smack on the back of the head, whatever you're willing to give me.

I'm 22, FtM (holy crap it feels so weird actually saying that) and just came out to my partner.

Comments

[thelittlebudgie]

Well.

When I met him, my partner identified as straight. I gradually came to terms with my gender over the course of our dating, and he's been very receptive and supportive. (I also suffer from depression, which his acceptance has helped to dramatically lessen.)

Over the course of my coming to terms with my gender identity, I also realized that I'm pretty much exclusively attracted to women. (I'd flirted briefly with bisexuality when I was younger because I was romantically interested in women, but sexual attraction (for anyone, really) didn't kick in until I started thinking of myself as transmasculine.) But, at the same time, I'm still entirely in love with him. For the both of us, the bonds we'd already established transcended our regular sexual and romantic interests.

It's not hopeless. Everything seems impossible when you're in the throes of depression, I know, but it really is workable.

Do you have any counselling resources available to you or a local trans* centre? Both sounds like they would be very helpful.

[rozzyjane]

Yeah, having depression just makes it seem like nothing will ever be okay again. Luckily I've slowly been crawling out of it lately, and seeing happiness as a possibility. (Yes!)

Thank you for your response. I am hoping that something similar will happen with us as with your boyfriend and you. We've got a really wonderful bond together and it's really good to know that can survive through a transition.

My city doesn't have very good trans resources as far as I know. Quite luckily my best friend just started a trans youth group which meets for the first time tomorrow! I am very excited about it.

[badoingdoing]

Can you have both? Well, that's up to both you and your partner. Keeping communication open is really important, and working together to figure out how your identities can fit together, if they can. And also keep in mind that there's nothing that says you or your partner have to fit in any of the pre-packaged identities that you can see in popular culture -- being fine with female pronouns while changing your body to be more masculine is just fine, just like moving through the world with masculine pronouns would be just fine even if you didn't want to change your body

[cykotyks]

As for your partner being straight, it might make sense to have some deep discussions about what being straight means to him -- is it a societal position that he wants to keep (this might be hard, if you end up transitioning to be read by most strangers as male)? Is it a descriptive category based on what he happens to do?

I second this.

I know it's your business, and you'll find what works, but I'm wary that he says he still wants to think of you as his wife. There are a great many things attached to that label, and I'm afraid that there will be some problems stemming from that sentiment.

I recommend sitting down with him and making sure that he understands that, despite whatever he wants to think, if you present as male, you will be read as a gay couple. He has to accept that. If he tries to argue with people that you're female and he's straight, it outs you and disrespects your gender identity. He can still be heterosexual and be in love with and attracted to a male-identified person. It's not impossible. But not everyone

[rozzyjane]

Thank you for the well wishes and thoughts.
I've thought about this too. In some ways we've talked about these things already (and we have been read as a gay couple before...sometimes at the most surprising of times) but I will be sure to talk about them more. I don't want to dive right into transition just for him to wake up one day and say, "this is not what I expected!" and all that.

[rozzyjane]

You metaphor about the trails was really, really helpful to me. I've only been in a few relationships but they're all been "Nice, straight, socially acceptable" relationships (from an outside perspective) and feeling like I was about to enter a terrifying relationship jungle didn't make me feel too good.

But thinking about it this new way makes me feel more in control (and adventurous) for what happen next. Both of us are very cool with blazing a new trail together, we've been doing a lot of that through our relationship, only with different things.
(Now I am thinking about The Road To El Dorado. Haha)
Thank you.

[arcticturtle]

You and he both might want to check out http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/index.php - it tries to focus on partner issues. FTMs and their partners are a little sparse but not for want of welcome...

[rozzyjane]

Thanks for the link. I haven't been a member of a message board in a while. I'll join.

[zoeyprncs]

I'll share my experience I hope it helps. I started dating a cisgendered female at the start of my transition. I was prepared by my therapist for the transition from mtf, but was not told I needed to prepare my partner. Something I didn't know is my personality at it's core didn't change but secondary characteristics did, and she had to experience each bump in the road I did. As I went along she would often cry, the things I would do as a partner in a relationship prior to transition were things I was taught men where supposed to do; I stopped doing them as I grew as a trans-women. The stress on her became worse as she said "I've lost the man I fell in love with," we fought a lot, ended up in us both crying and try a new commitment to each other

oh hey, we kindof have the same name...

[rozzyjane]

Thanks for sharing your story with me.
I'm very afraid of something similar happening, not just with my boyfriend but with my whole family; "Oh, now I've lost my daughter/sister/granddaughter/etc" I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone. Were I single now I know I would avoid becoming involved with anyone. But as it stands I have to do my best where I am.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. Do you feel things would have been different had she been more prepared? Now that the dust has settled (?) are things in a better place than before? (I hope so)

[lullaby_94]

I know what you mean. I'm in the whole "just realizing depression" phase too. Honestly, it's crushing sometimes, but I get through it. You know how? Support. And honestly, while it does sound like your boyfriend does have good intentions and wants to support you, the fact that he will always want to refer to you as his girlfriend/wife could at some point end up being a problem.

You're a male, right? So why would he be calling you a female pronoun? To verify his being straight? Because that's how he's always thought of you? There are other reasons, obviously that could be why, but the fact remains, he does not see you for who you truly are. I mean, it's great that he supports you and is staying with you while you're on T and getting hairy and all that, but it's not enough if he doesn't see you, love you for what you are

[rozzyjane]

I'm very lucky that I have good support. My mom is supportive (surprise!) and I've got a few really great friends that I've told who are supportive too. I don't know what' I'd do without them.

Yes I have a major major (major major) problem with looking too far ahead and then completely screwing up today (or at least not doing the things I should be doing)

He has brought up exactly what you said, he said he was worried that he would never truly know me becasue he just did not see me how I saw myself. I didn't have much of a response for him at the time - I still don't, but he's definitely making the effort to understand. Perhaps in time it will change. But you're right that I have to take these things as they come. Thank you for the advice.