Fishbowls inside fishbowls
This post was originally drafted on February 13th, but for various reasons I didn't get back to finishing and posting it until now.
My houseguest and Doz have both taken me aside for a hard conversation. They're not happy with the way I act regarding the one from the stream. As in, big warning bells. And it's been noted by other houseguests also.
This is understandable, I guess. They're each seeing me act in ways that they find unusual. And I know they're unusual ways too. So I listen.
It's always hard to deal with conversations that start with "I know you won't believe this until you want to". It takes away the feeling that you're allowed to disbelieve, to have a different understanding or to know different things.
The thing with Stream is that I do react to him. I have a very strong desire to make him happy. Doesn't have to be direct, doesn't have to be directly rewarded. It's just a very strong need/want to do things that will make the things he's doing run better, make the life he's living feel better. It's a detached need, I have no interest in giving myself to him or in setting up a relationship, in fact, I don't wish to be too closely involved with him at all. But his radiance draws me, and I want nothing to dim it or to stand in its way. This need isn't based in my subconscious, nor in my conscious mind. Not directly. I don't know where it's sourced, so I find it unusual. And both my subconscious and conscious mind seem to work together in keeping me from losing myself to such a sense of service. I've always had a very strong fear/resistance to that particular pattern.
And partly because of this, whenever I *do* take an action that might be defiance or disobedience to something he might need but hasn't asked directly for, I react with a fierce pride, a smugness, an over reaction to having not gone along with his wishes. Or so I'm told. I don't see it. I'm in the fishbowl.
What I see is something else.
He brings me peace. Still does. A very gentle peace, and the rabid clawing inside stops still and purr/hums lightly in the sunlight.
He brings me joy, a quiet joy that is perfectly free.
I see a different person in myself, reflected off him, and it's someone who intrigues me. Who I'm challenged to be, in a good way.
He reminds me of many things that I want to be, and leaves me refreshed and trying to reach higher and deeper. I become more, in some ways, when I've had contact with him. Not through his addition, but through the clarity I get from having seen myself.
I like who I become when I'm around him.
I like the person I am because of his influence.
Between us there's a subtlety, several subtleties. A great deal unspoken. And there's a unity on it. We can work in tandem, and I can work in resonance with him at a great depth. There's not many people I can do that with, let alone enjoy doing so.
The latter is an interesting point. Part of my resistance to him comes from an awareness that he is power-driven as much as love-driven, and that he sees himself as a careful manipulator. I've found his attempts to manipulate me directly, well, laughable. Partly because my subconscious vaccinated me against them a year ago, when we began to spend time together. But his more delicate manipulations *have* had an effect. I think they're subconscious on his part rather than conscious. They're very subtle. The occasional repressed gesture, or half-glance, slight motions of body at the edge of my vision or fragments of voice not quite heard clearly. And I read him, and know what he needed or wanted. I listen to him. And he's trained me with such things to listen to him. I'm aware of this. But I enjoy it. It's delightful to have that rapport with someone. Unfortunately, as far as I know it's almost completely one-sided. There are times I think I have his trust, but it's not a trust that comes from his actually knowing me, only from his being sure of my loyalty. I sometimes wish for more, but only as a sadness thing. I don't actually want a relationship with him, even though it would be a beautiful thing if that rapport could have such depth coming from both sides. If we tried to work closely, we'd be different people. Our passions are separate enough that our tasks and projects will always be separate as well. And his active disbelief in spirituality means he'd be compelled to chip away at the building blocks of what kept me near him in the first place. So it just can't go that way. No part of me wants it to. I'm just sad, sometimes, that the potential for such mutual rapport can't and won't be filled. He wouldn't choose to accept the surrender it involves, I think.
Of course, it has occurred to me in thinking through this that as I was subtly trained (by both of us) into my side of the rapport, I wonder if I took an active role in training him with the same subtleties, if he'd come as willingly into the same position of understanding and insight, returned. It's not something I've consciously tried, and I don't think I've subconsciously tried it either.
That sense of unity comes from the meshing of our subconscious subtleties, and it's a very pleasant thing, something to be sought after. If I chose to take a different role in that dynamic, no matter how subconscious or unthought or unspoken, I wonder what it would do to our balance? I wonder if his subconscious would accept the shift? And the evil part of me thinks I should try it, and find out. Part of my delight in his presence comes from recognising him as a peer. And if he was truly a peer or equal, rather than just seeing me as another (highly credible and worthwhile) pawn, he'd cope with the dynamic balance shift just fine. And I'm not sure he could -evil grin-.
I've said since the beginning that he was a prince looking for a princess, and I was a queen looking for a king. This is why I don't pursue him. (It's also partly why I wait and watch, to see if the prince shows any sign of becoming king.) He doesn't display the willpower or strength to be king, nor the depth - only the potential of all of these. But he thinks of himself as the great leader. And great leaders do not expect pawns to become queens. I've always been fairly sure that he saw me as pawn rather than queen. I had some indication back in December that maybe this perception of his had shifted. If not to see me as queen, then at least as fellow prince. And maybe it had. I can't tell at this point, to be honest.
So. My houseguest and Doz, and others, see me as reacting very differently to Stream than is characteristic of me. I like the way I react. I like who I am. I feel at ease, happy, peaceful, remarkably content within his influence. I still feel independent, completely wilful, doing my own thing. He occasionally mildly irritates me by trying to spoil that, but I don't have to be close to it so I'm not. I see no problem with any of this. And, I'm inside the fishbowl. I need my twin's and friends' eyes to spot some of the ways I'm acting, to bring them to my notice. Just in case I'm wrong, and there really is a problem.
But I don't think there is. I like who I am. I feel safe inside myself, and it's a safety that comes from me and only me, from my own surety of self. I delight in Stream, but I have no dependence on him nor really any need for him. I recognise that he represents something I want very much, but I'm very aware on all levels of my self/mind that he is only a representation, and that I need to look elsewhere for what I want. I recognise that his life and tasks are not a place my faith requires me to be or even truly permits me to spend long in. I have other things to do, tasks that require my specific presence and nature as well as my skills. Even that need of mine to make him happy is anchored in a sense of supporting him either side of the great waves he surfs, in the stillness before the rise and after the crumble. I'm not on the wave with him. I am not part of him. Just a friendly occasional anchor, for the times when an extraordinary person has to admit they live in the same village as the rest of us. Those will be rare times for him.
The irony here is that it seems like the problem that Doz is trying to show me or bring to my notice is the same one I spent so long, and still spend time, fighting against him for. I will not let Doz take me over, I will not surrender my will to him, I will not drown myself in our unity nor link our futures together permanently. I hate him every time I think of how hard I've worked to maintain that identity and path separation, and how often he's canned me for it, for making barriers or holding myself away or fighting our unity, the times he tells me I'm over-reacting to the feeling of being trapped and that I'm just imagining the cage around me, poor little thing. He never seemed to see how valid an issue it was for me, nor how careful I was to make sure that it wasn't just a happy perception of mine that this relationship between us wasn't all pathologically disturbed and fucked over. But now that someone else is acting in even a hint of the same fashion towards me, despite the fact that I have so much less involvement with them or caring for them than I did with him, I need to be taken aside and have it carefully explained to me "even though I might not be willing to listen". Feh. It's fishbowls, inside fishbowls. I'm not the only one in these fishbowls. And, as always, I have one foot somewhere outside the fishbowl in a place that Doz has never truly grasped the nature/existence of. But Stream does, and it's one reason I enjoy knowing him. With him, I have the freedom to be that person that Doz hasn't learnt to imagine, unlimited.
Oh gosh, it's uncharacteristic action, indeed.
My houseguest and Doz have both taken me aside for a hard conversation. They're not happy with the way I act regarding the one from the stream. As in, big warning bells. And it's been noted by other houseguests also.
This is understandable, I guess. They're each seeing me act in ways that they find unusual. And I know they're unusual ways too. So I listen.
It's always hard to deal with conversations that start with "I know you won't believe this until you want to". It takes away the feeling that you're allowed to disbelieve, to have a different understanding or to know different things.
The thing with Stream is that I do react to him. I have a very strong desire to make him happy. Doesn't have to be direct, doesn't have to be directly rewarded. It's just a very strong need/want to do things that will make the things he's doing run better, make the life he's living feel better. It's a detached need, I have no interest in giving myself to him or in setting up a relationship, in fact, I don't wish to be too closely involved with him at all. But his radiance draws me, and I want nothing to dim it or to stand in its way. This need isn't based in my subconscious, nor in my conscious mind. Not directly. I don't know where it's sourced, so I find it unusual. And both my subconscious and conscious mind seem to work together in keeping me from losing myself to such a sense of service. I've always had a very strong fear/resistance to that particular pattern.
And partly because of this, whenever I *do* take an action that might be defiance or disobedience to something he might need but hasn't asked directly for, I react with a fierce pride, a smugness, an over reaction to having not gone along with his wishes. Or so I'm told. I don't see it. I'm in the fishbowl.
What I see is something else.
He brings me peace. Still does. A very gentle peace, and the rabid clawing inside stops still and purr/hums lightly in the sunlight.
He brings me joy, a quiet joy that is perfectly free.
I see a different person in myself, reflected off him, and it's someone who intrigues me. Who I'm challenged to be, in a good way.
He reminds me of many things that I want to be, and leaves me refreshed and trying to reach higher and deeper. I become more, in some ways, when I've had contact with him. Not through his addition, but through the clarity I get from having seen myself.
I like who I become when I'm around him.
I like the person I am because of his influence.
Between us there's a subtlety, several subtleties. A great deal unspoken. And there's a unity on it. We can work in tandem, and I can work in resonance with him at a great depth. There's not many people I can do that with, let alone enjoy doing so.
The latter is an interesting point. Part of my resistance to him comes from an awareness that he is power-driven as much as love-driven, and that he sees himself as a careful manipulator. I've found his attempts to manipulate me directly, well, laughable. Partly because my subconscious vaccinated me against them a year ago, when we began to spend time together. But his more delicate manipulations *have* had an effect. I think they're subconscious on his part rather than conscious. They're very subtle. The occasional repressed gesture, or half-glance, slight motions of body at the edge of my vision or fragments of voice not quite heard clearly. And I read him, and know what he needed or wanted. I listen to him. And he's trained me with such things to listen to him. I'm aware of this. But I enjoy it. It's delightful to have that rapport with someone. Unfortunately, as far as I know it's almost completely one-sided. There are times I think I have his trust, but it's not a trust that comes from his actually knowing me, only from his being sure of my loyalty. I sometimes wish for more, but only as a sadness thing. I don't actually want a relationship with him, even though it would be a beautiful thing if that rapport could have such depth coming from both sides. If we tried to work closely, we'd be different people. Our passions are separate enough that our tasks and projects will always be separate as well. And his active disbelief in spirituality means he'd be compelled to chip away at the building blocks of what kept me near him in the first place. So it just can't go that way. No part of me wants it to. I'm just sad, sometimes, that the potential for such mutual rapport can't and won't be filled. He wouldn't choose to accept the surrender it involves, I think.
Of course, it has occurred to me in thinking through this that as I was subtly trained (by both of us) into my side of the rapport, I wonder if I took an active role in training him with the same subtleties, if he'd come as willingly into the same position of understanding and insight, returned. It's not something I've consciously tried, and I don't think I've subconsciously tried it either.
That sense of unity comes from the meshing of our subconscious subtleties, and it's a very pleasant thing, something to be sought after. If I chose to take a different role in that dynamic, no matter how subconscious or unthought or unspoken, I wonder what it would do to our balance? I wonder if his subconscious would accept the shift? And the evil part of me thinks I should try it, and find out. Part of my delight in his presence comes from recognising him as a peer. And if he was truly a peer or equal, rather than just seeing me as another (highly credible and worthwhile) pawn, he'd cope with the dynamic balance shift just fine. And I'm not sure he could -evil grin-.
I've said since the beginning that he was a prince looking for a princess, and I was a queen looking for a king. This is why I don't pursue him. (It's also partly why I wait and watch, to see if the prince shows any sign of becoming king.) He doesn't display the willpower or strength to be king, nor the depth - only the potential of all of these. But he thinks of himself as the great leader. And great leaders do not expect pawns to become queens. I've always been fairly sure that he saw me as pawn rather than queen. I had some indication back in December that maybe this perception of his had shifted. If not to see me as queen, then at least as fellow prince. And maybe it had. I can't tell at this point, to be honest.
So. My houseguest and Doz, and others, see me as reacting very differently to Stream than is characteristic of me. I like the way I react. I like who I am. I feel at ease, happy, peaceful, remarkably content within his influence. I still feel independent, completely wilful, doing my own thing. He occasionally mildly irritates me by trying to spoil that, but I don't have to be close to it so I'm not. I see no problem with any of this. And, I'm inside the fishbowl. I need my twin's and friends' eyes to spot some of the ways I'm acting, to bring them to my notice. Just in case I'm wrong, and there really is a problem.
But I don't think there is. I like who I am. I feel safe inside myself, and it's a safety that comes from me and only me, from my own surety of self. I delight in Stream, but I have no dependence on him nor really any need for him. I recognise that he represents something I want very much, but I'm very aware on all levels of my self/mind that he is only a representation, and that I need to look elsewhere for what I want. I recognise that his life and tasks are not a place my faith requires me to be or even truly permits me to spend long in. I have other things to do, tasks that require my specific presence and nature as well as my skills. Even that need of mine to make him happy is anchored in a sense of supporting him either side of the great waves he surfs, in the stillness before the rise and after the crumble. I'm not on the wave with him. I am not part of him. Just a friendly occasional anchor, for the times when an extraordinary person has to admit they live in the same village as the rest of us. Those will be rare times for him.
The irony here is that it seems like the problem that Doz is trying to show me or bring to my notice is the same one I spent so long, and still spend time, fighting against him for. I will not let Doz take me over, I will not surrender my will to him, I will not drown myself in our unity nor link our futures together permanently. I hate him every time I think of how hard I've worked to maintain that identity and path separation, and how often he's canned me for it, for making barriers or holding myself away or fighting our unity, the times he tells me I'm over-reacting to the feeling of being trapped and that I'm just imagining the cage around me, poor little thing. He never seemed to see how valid an issue it was for me, nor how careful I was to make sure that it wasn't just a happy perception of mine that this relationship between us wasn't all pathologically disturbed and fucked over. But now that someone else is acting in even a hint of the same fashion towards me, despite the fact that I have so much less involvement with them or caring for them than I did with him, I need to be taken aside and have it carefully explained to me "even though I might not be willing to listen". Feh. It's fishbowls, inside fishbowls. I'm not the only one in these fishbowls. And, as always, I have one foot somewhere outside the fishbowl in a place that Doz has never truly grasped the nature/existence of. But Stream does, and it's one reason I enjoy knowing him. With him, I have the freedom to be that person that Doz hasn't learnt to imagine, unlimited.
Oh gosh, it's uncharacteristic action, indeed.