Riptide Fic: "Chances And Choices" (1/1)
Title: "Chances And Choices"
Author: Torra
Fandom: Riptide
Pairing/Characters: Nick Ryder/Cody Allen
Rating/Category: PG-13
Prompt: Murray, finding out
Spoilers: (if applicable) Set sometime vaguely after S1, no real spoilers.
Summary: It finally comes time for Nick to press the issue, and Murray finds out Cody really is an idiot...
Word Count: ~5,800
Notes/Warnings: My take on the prompt Murray, finding out (that Cody is an idiot), because really, how could you miss them being together already? So clearly the only thing to find out is that something isn't what it seams. Thanks, of course, to my beta AndeInCascade, and any mistakes or typos left are my own fault.
Additional Notes Not For SFF: This is my gift to Tinx_R. She's the whole reason I got into this fandom, and definatly the whole reason I got into writing fic for it. So it's not much, but here is my thank you for the gift of these oh so wonderful, oh so gay boys.
"Chances And Choices"
"I had a great time tonight."
Nick smiled and squeezed Arthur's hand, "Yeah, me, too. That was a great restaurant."
The two settled into an easy silence for a few more steps.
Walking along the beach, hand-in-hand with another man had never seemed like a sensible, or even pleasant, thing to do to Nick, but something about Arthur made it seem natural. They'd taken to doing it after all their dinners together. And one breakfast.
But tonight was different. Tonight, Arthur seemed tenser then usual, thoughtful, as if he were waiting for something. His hand wasn't as relaxed in Nick's own as it usually was.
The other shoe fell when Arthur asked, "Isn't that the Riptide up ahead?"
Nick frowned and craned his neck, squinting to see through the darkness. "No, probably not. Pier 56 is about hundred yards the other direction. Plus, the beach ends before that."
"Oh."
Nick frowned, "Did you want to see the Riptide?"
Arthur shrugged, "Well, I thought it'd be nice. I only saw it the once, when I picked you up a few days ago, and you didn't invite me in."
Nick shrugged and offered a small smile, "Remind me sometime, I'll give you the full 10 cent tour."
Arthur stopped walking, pulling Nick's hand to a stop with him. "Why not tonight?"
"My roommates are back tonight." Nick gave their hands a tug, trying to get them moving. "They wrapped up the case yesterday."
Arthur didn't move. "I'd love to meet them."
Nick sighed, dropping Arthur's hand. "I really don't think that'd be a good idea."
"Why not?" Arthur moved in closer, resting a hand against Nick's shoulder, "Do you think they wouldn't like me?"
Nick snorted, "Murray'd love you. All that computer knowledge in that big head of yours, he'd never let you go."
"So what, you're afraid they wouldn't like you?"
Nick tried to shrug him off. "We've only been dating a week. Little soon to meet the folks, isn't it?"
"The last five nights out of seven, we've been sleeping together." Arthur pointed out.
"I just don't think--"
"We've only dating because they've been out of town, haven't we?"
Nick froze. Arthur sighed, "Susan warned me about this. I didn't want to believe her." The hand dropped from his shoulder. "Which one is it, Cody or Murray?"
Nick walked a few paces ahead, his back to his date, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Arthur followed him, "Yes, I really think you do. It's fine to date a guy while they're gone, but you can't let your best friends know you're gay in real life, right?"
"I'm not--"
"Fine, bi, whatever. My point stands. I'm fine to fuck, but only as long as the one you really want to fuck doesn't know about me."
Nick shook his head, "That's not it."
"Then let's go. Let's meet them." Both hands rested on Nick's shoulders from behind now. "We're good together, really good, I've clicked more with you in the last week then I did in the last four of my relationships. But that doesn't mean a thing if I'm just your dirty little secret."
"I just don't think--"
"You just don't think I'm worth throwing away what you do have for what we might have." The hands dropped away. Nick found he didn't have the strength to turn around. "Look, Nick, I like you, I really do. I could even fall in love with you pretty damned easily. But let's face it, you're only going out with me because you aren't going out with the one you want. And if you felt the same about me, you'd be willing to at least consider telling the two most important people in your life that maybe, just maybe, you could have a third."
Neither one said anything for a long time, the silence only broken by the waves gently touching upon the sandy shore and the sound of some insomniac seagulls off in the distance. Arthur sighed deeply again, "It's Cody, isn't it? The one you were an MP with?"
Nick found himself spinning around before he could stop it, "What makes you think--"
"Because you never shut up about him." Arthur's face was sad, but resigned, his hands hanging limply at his sides. "I think we could be something really good, Nick, I really do, but if you can't take that last risk, if you can't let even the idea of you and Cody go, then we don't stand a chance." He took a step forward, hands coming up to Nick's shoulders again, "I still want that chance, Nick, but it's up to you if you're willing to take it.
"You're home late."
Nick tried not to freeze guiltily in the doorway to their bedroom. "Yeah, I was out."
"Hot date?"
"Something like that."
"I figured." Cody shrugged nonchalantly from his bed, covers pulled up across his bare chest, book laid out across his stomach, page marked by his thumb. "I figured you were out with someone when you weren't here to greet us."
Nick walked over to his dresser and began to rummage around in it, forgetting for a moment what we was looking for. "Yeah, I met someone on a tour. That first day you guys were gone." He pulled a clean pair of shorts out of a drawer, but did nothing to start disrobing. "Sorry I couldn't make it on the trip."
He could hear the sound of Cody shrugging beneath the sheets, "No big, it wasn't a huge case or anything, and you probably pulled in more cash with your tours then we did on the case. There probably wouldn't have been a lot for you to do, anyhow. There wasn't a lot for me to do, either, other then watch Murray's back as he did his computer thing. You coming to bed, or are you gonna stand there all night?"
Nick jumped a little. He hadn't realized how long he'd been standing, drawer open, staring at the pair of briefs in his hands. "I...hadn't decided yet."
Cody's laugh was warm, "Thinking of chasing her down? The night's still...well, mostly young, you could probably catch her if you wanted. I mean, I know you've had the place to yourself for a week, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking it to her place for a night."
Nick took a deep breath, released it, and dropped the underwear, turning around, "No, he probably wouldn't. In fact, I have a standing invitation to come over if I want. But I thought I had to come here first, you know?"
Cody frowned, "'He'? You met a client?"
Nick dropped his eyes to the floor. "No, not a client. Well, not after the helicopter tour he booked that first day." He looked up at Cody from beneath his lashes, "I meant, 'he' as in a male-date."
Cody didn't move, hands still gripping the book draped across him. "Male?"
Nick turned back to the dresser. He couldn't do this looking at him, "Yeah, as in, his name is Arthur. He's...nice. Tax Attorney, actually, just moved in from Fresno for a job."
"You're dating a guy?" The voice was flat, not angry, not shocked, just flat.
Nick swallowed hard, "Unless I have a reason not to..." he trailed off.
"What reason would that be?" The tone was light now, forced, followed by the sound of pages turning in a book.
Nick gripped the dresser hard. He couldn't help it. He expected nothing better then this, but it still hurt.
"The kind of reason we both know I'm asking about." Nick forced himself to turn and face his oldest friend. "Should I go over to his place tonight?"
Cody didn't look up from his book. It was upside down. "Hey, if you can't even be bothered to tell me you like guys, why should my opinion on the subject matter."
Nick spun and slammed his fist hard into the face of the open drawer, forcing it shut and possibly braking a knuckle in the process. "Damnit, Cody, you know damned well why it matters!" He spun again to see Cody's eye widen, but still kept focused on the book. "Should I go to his place? Or do I have a reason to stay here?"
Cody shrugged, "This is your home, it's up to you if you want to sleep here or not. You're a grown man."
"And you are--" Nick cut himself off before he could finish the sentence. He growled and stalked over to his bed, got to his knees, and reached underneath for a worn duffelbag, slamming it as hard as he could onto his soft bed. "You know damned well what I'm asking, Cody." He fumed back to his dresser. "I can't do this anymore. I deserve an answer. I fucking deserve one!" He nearly jerked the drawer out of its moorings pulling it open. He grabbed the first things that came to hand, not bothering to look at them. "You're my best friend, we've been though hell. I've stood next to you though all of your bullshit, though all of your non-answers. After this long, I deserve an answer to this at least."
He stalked back over and began shoving clothing into the bag. Cody's eyes were wide. "What the hell are you asking, Nick?"
Nick couldn't look at him. "You know what I'm asking. I'm asking everything I never asked before because you never wanted me to ask." Another drawer open, another handful of miscellaneous clothing going into the bag. "I stood by you though all of your women, every damned time you met the one, I stood there like an idiot and told you to go for it. Told you to take that chance at happiness and be loved. Because that's what you deserved." He pulled viciously on the zipper, jamming it stuck in place halfway shut. He glared at it. "So here's your chance, Cody. What are you going to say?"
Cody was silent.
Nick couldn't move, couldn't break the stillness around them. He kept his eyes fixated on the broken zipper and the half-opened, half-filled duffel on his bed.
"What are you going to say, Cody?" His voice came out almost broken. He refused to acknowledge it as his own. "What's your answer?"
The book closed. The sheets rustled.
"I hope you're happy." The light over Cody's bed turned off.
Nick closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He nodded once, and pulled the bag over his shoulder.
He didn't say anything else as he left the Riptide.
"Well someone looks like they didn't get much sleep last night." Murray's voice was full of teasing laughter. "I find this surprising, considering it was Nick who never came home!" He nearly giggled, "Up all night worrying?"
Cody slammed the coffee carafe back hard into its holder, not looking away from it. He could feel Murray frowning at his back, though, even without turning around.
"Is something wrong? Are you actually worried about Nick?"
Cody sighed and dropped his head, setting his cup down to brace his hands on the counter.
"Cody? Cody, what's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Murray."
"Is Nick alright?" Murray got up from the table and came over to stand beside his friend. "Did something happen?"
"Let's just say we had an argument and leave it alone, aright?" He took his coffee and slid into his place at the breakfast nook, glaring at the formica.
Murray slid back into his seat across from him, not letting it go. "Is Nick in trouble? Did you meet his date?"
Cody shook his head, "Can't you just let this go, Murray?"
Murray frowned deeply. "No, no I really don't think I can. Or should, from the way you're acting." He sat up, "Oh! Do you think she's a criminal? Did he take a case while we were away and you now think she's gonna double cross him? Is he going to get hurt?"
Cody sighed, "He's definitely going to get hurt."
"So it is a client! I knew it. So what is she, a shady dame? A femme fatale? A--"
"She's a guy." The words snapped out before Cody could bite them back. He groaned and pushed his coffee away to bury his head in his arms, folded across the table. "He's fucking a guy, Murray." he muttered into his shirt-sleeves.
The room was quiet for awhile. Finally, Murray ventured a soft, confused, "So he's a...what, macho fatale? I don't know what the masculine for that word is. But you don't like him, right?"
Cody's head snapped up, "What?"
"Well clearly you think this is a bad idea. So what gave you the clue, do you know him? Did his eyes look shifty? Where they too close together? Or did he maybe walk around in a dark trench coat and fedora despite the California sun?"
Cody shook his head, "Murray, what are you talking about? He's dating a guy!"
Murray looked confused, but nodded, "Exactly, so what makes you not trust him?"
"Maybe the fact that he's a guy?"
Murray's frown deepened, then he looked at Cody almost pitifully, "Did you try to stop him? Did he...did he choose this guy over you? Is that what happened?" He reached across to pat Cody awkwardly on the elbow, "Because I'm sure you misunderstood, Nick would never choose someone over you, you have to know that, right?"
Cody threw himself out of his seat and began pacing the small room, "My problem is that my best friend is suddenly fucking a guy! That's what my problem is! This has nothing to do with me!"
Murray watched him quietly for a couple of turns before finally asking in a small, baffled voice, "You did know that he was gay, didn't you? I mean...I knew, and I've only been living with you guys for a year."
Cody spun on him, eyes wide, "Nick is not gay! He was a fighter pilot! We were Military Police together! You can't be gay and in the US Military!"
Murray's eyes tightened worriedly, "You don't honestly believe that, do you, Cody? I mean," He shook his head confused, "He's your best friend. The man's been in love with you for years! I knew that even back in New Orleans. Surly you can't honestly tell me you never noticed how he felt about you."
"He's NOT in love with me!" Cody threw a punch into the air, swinging his arm wide and hard.
Murray was just staring at him. Finally Cody snapped, "What!?"
"Cody..." Murray shook his head again, slowly, sadly now, "Cody, Nick has been in love with you for longer then I've known either of you." He sighed deeply, "Tell me you didn't say anything stupid last night."
"Say anything-- Murray, he's fucking a guy!"
"Probably because he can't fuck you!" Murray blushed, "I mean love you. He can't love you." He shrugged, "Did you honestly expect him to spend the rest of his life alone because you didn't want him? Like that?"
"I expected him to be honest with me! Friends are honest with each other, Murray. They tell each other important things about themselves. Like when they're homosexual!"
Murray tilted his head to the side and eyed him, "And if he had...would you have let him live here on the Riptide with you?"
Cody froze, "Why wouldn't I?"
Murray's eyebrows raised high, "Well, have you been listening to yourself just now?"
Cody's energy escaped from him all in a rush. His shoulders slumped, and his arms fell to his sides, his head dropped down low between his shoulders. With a little effort, he found he couldn't lift it. He sighed deeply and slid back into his seat with his waiting coffee. "I didn't handle that as well as I could have, did I?"
Murray shrugged, "I thought you knew." He shrugged a second time, "I mean, I mostly thought you knew, but turned him down a long time ago, and you knew he was willing to do whatever it took to stay your friend. Even if that meant never having what he really wanted. Why else would he be willing to share a room, be so close to someone he cared so deeply for and knew was off limits, if you weren't so important to him that he thought it was worth it." He found a wrinkled paper napkin on the table to fiddle with. "Why else would you let him, if you didn't think the friendship was worth putting him though that, too?"
Cody frowned, "'Putting him though that'? I didn't put him though anything! I didn't ask him to--"
"But he does." He pushed his glasses further up his nose, "I just figured you guys talked about it years ago, you said no, and but you're so close, I just figured...I don't know, you both just choose to ignore it because you're such good friends. I mean, I don't know if I could have done that; been so close, watched you constantly chase after unattainable women, and still stand there smiling and be your shoulder to not-cry on when it blows up." The napkin was slowly being decimated into identical inch wide strips. "But then, I've always known I wasn't as strong as either of you." The last strip was balled up. "I just never thought you guys did it because you were a coward."
"Now wait just one minute--!"
"You're a coward, Cody." Murray refused to look at him, voice firm, but eyes kept on the task in his hands. "Any blind man could see how much Nick loves you. Hell, all of Pier 56 thinks you're together, why do you think Momma Jo didn't break your legs when she caught you trying to date any of her girls? Everyone knew it was just cover." Another strip was balled up. "And really, as long as you were gentlemen and didn't push it, no one minded being cover. You two are respected members of this society here, people care about you." Another ball. "I wonder what they'd think now."
"What, now that you believe I'm a coward?" Cody snapped, knuckles white as he pressed his hands flat against the table top.
Murray sighed, "Knowing Nick, I'm guessing he didn't just come out and tell you he was seeing someone. Did he?" A glance over his glasses rims. "He gave you a choice?"
Cody fidgeted in place. "I wouldn't call it a choice...I mean, he just sprang this on me and expected--"
"Expected you to be his friend?"
"Hey, now, that's uncalled for!" Cody slapped one hand hard against the table, harder then he meant to.
Murray kept his eyes fixed on the little paper strips and wadded up balls in his hands. "I'm guessing he gave you a choice, and when you acted...acted like this, he left. Didn't he?" He looked up, "If I go into your room, am I going to find any of his stuff in there?"
"Of course you are! He didn't move out, for God's sake!"
Murray nodded and looked back to his bits of paper. "And if I look in there tomorrow...?" he trailed off.
Cody couldn't answer.
Murray shook his head and swept up all the little balls into a pile before folding his hands in front of him and looking at Cody. "He loves you. He's your best friend. He's stood next to you and supported you and never once asked you to choose him, not in all these years." He shrugged one shoulder, "Now you have a choice. He'll have to come back for his stuff sometime...are you just going to let him leave, or actually going ask him to?"
"Should I ask him to stay? If he's really in love with me, he'd..." Cody couldn't say it.
"He'd what? Keep his mouth shut and go back to pretending?"
"Well..." Cody trailed off without answering.
Murray scowled at him, "What kind of friend would ask another friend to do that?" he shook his head disapprovingly, "I gotta say, I'm disappointed in you, Cody. I honestly thought better of you. It's one thing if you didn't feel the same, and you both pretended so as to stay friends. It's another matter entirely for you to take advantage of him, ask him to either spend his life alone, or in a lie, just so you can go on feeling like nothing has changed."
"But it has changed!" Cody wanted to pace again, but resisted the urge.
"What's changed? He always loved you, it's just that now you can't ignore it anymore." Murray placed one hand gently on-top of Cody's fists, which he hadn't even realized he'd clenched. "I think you need to ask yourself why you're so mad. Are you upset that he's homosexual? Or that you don't want to believe it? Or that now you finally have to decide if he's worth the risk?"
Cody knew someone was in the Riptide as soon as he set foot on the bow. Nick hadn't been back for three days, though he had called Murray and left a message with the Roboz that he was fine and staying with a friend. But as soon as Cody's foot rested on the smooth, loving wood of his boat, he knew he wasn't alone.
And he knew, just as surely, that it was Nick. And that Nick had timed his arrival very carefully, fully intending to run into no one during his visit. This was the first time Cody had spent longer then ten minutes off the Riptide since the fight. Nick had waited for a time when he'd be gone long enough to do more then grab a change of clothes.
Cody sighed and shifted the weight of the grocery bags, debating whether to go in, or get back on to the pier and walk away.
Murray's accusations of his cowardice finally spurred him on.
Murray hadn't spoken to him much in the last three days, and honestly, Cody hadn't wanted him to. He'd said more then enough at breakfast and Cody had needed that time to think it all over. Until he went down the steps and suddenly found himself face-to-face with his oldest friend, he hadn't been sure what his decision would be.
Now he was sure.
"I'm sorry. I thought I'd be gone before you got back."
Nick's clothes were wrinkled, not the carefully ironed shirts that he liked to keep. He put a lot of stock into his appearance, always in clean, pressed clothing and a close shave; so the sight of him in the state was more shocking then if he'd appeared broken and bloodied out of the blue.
Cody went over to the counter to set the bags down. Once done, he found he couldn't turn around. "You're packing?"
He heard Nick turn away again, and the sound of a zipper on his duffel closing. "Seemed like the best thing to do." he sighed. Cody could feel the emotion coming off his friend in waves, but he could also feel Nick's efforts to not let that show. He knew his friend too well, he wouldn't want to push his emotions on anyone else, especially not someone who he thought didn't want to share them.
That was what finally gave Cody the strength, and the courage, to turn around. "You don't have to go."
Nick was at the breakfast table, two suitcases Cody didn't recognise at either side of his feet, his duffel on the table. He kept his back to Cody. "Seemed like the best idea for everyone." He paused, then finally shrugged, "You're my best friend, Cody, and we've had a great time together, but I'm not someone to hang around when I'm not wanted. I thought I could keep going like I was, but..." his hands rested heavily on his closed bag, "But I just don't think I can anymore, you know? It was one thing when I could pretend. I had myself convinced it was enough, that what I had was a good thing and I was just being damned greedy for wanting anything else, but you know what?" He turned around, but kept his eyes at chest level. "I'm not greedy for wanting to be happy. I'm really not."
He lost his nerve again, and looked at the floor. "This thing with Arthur and me...it won't go anywhere, he's just being nice enough to let me crash at his place, which is sweet of him, but we both know I can't feel for him what he wants." He turned back around "But he did make me realise a few things. Including the fact that I'm not a bad person for wanting something good in my life. I'm not a bad person, Cody. I deserve to be happy." More fiddling with the duffel. "You may not want those things, but I do, and I deserve the chance to try to find them with someone who wants them, too."
"Nick..."
Nick shook his head, back still to him, "I'm not the kind of guy to give ultimatums. This isn't me asking you to choose. This is who you are, and this is who I am." He slung the bag over his shoulder, "I want you to be happy, Cody, with whomever makes you happy. I just hope that somehow you can find a way to forgive me for lying to you. I don't want..." He paused and swallowed hard, "I don't want to lose our friendship over something I can't control. I can't stop being what I am, or stop feeling what I feel."
He turned around again, and finally looked Cody in the eye. "I never lied about you being my best friend. You are. And you always will be. And I don't want to lose that. But I just can't keep standing here and knowing I'll never be anything more to you. It...it hurts too much, okay?"
He looked down to the rest of his bags at his feet, but didn't bother picking them up yet. "I'm going to take some time. To myself. Figure out a way to be your friend without making you uncomfortable about it. But that's going to take time, and that's not time I can spend sitting next to you, and touching you, and laughing with you, and not wanting you."
Cody found his head shaking and couldn't stop it, "Nick, please, don't do this. Don't go..."
Nick visibly shook off his emotion, and when he looked up again, he had a wide smile across his face that never touched his eyes, "Hey, this isn't the end of the world, man. We'll get back into our old groove, same as we always do after a fight. I just need some time to figure some stuff out first." He bent over to grab a suitcase in each hand. "And it's not like I won't be in touch...eventually. I just gotta--"
Cody was across the room and kissing Nick before he could stop himself. Gentle hands cradling Nick's baby-smooth cheeks between his palms, lips caressing, soothing against Nick's.
Nick didn't move. Didn't respond.
Cody's tongue teased outwards, easing inside, enticing Nick's to respond. Finally, it did, but no other part of him.
When he pulled away, Nick wouldn't look at him, arms still loaded at his sides with his bags.
"Don't go."
Nick's eyes closed painfully, "Cody, man, you don't want--"
"Maybe I do." Cody interrupted.
Nick's eyes opened, looking stern but oh so sad. "No, man, you don't. If you did, you would have wanted it a long time ago."
Cody gentled his hands down from Nick's cheeks to rest on his shoulders, rubbing and squeezing at his upper arms, "Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I don't know what I want." He trailed his hands down and carefully pried the suitcase out of Nick's left hand and took with his own. "Maybe this is all really new to me, but I'm not willing to throw it away because I don't understand it."
Nick squeezed his eyes closed again, head lowering, "I wish you meant that, Cody, I really do but--"
Cody interrupted him with another kiss. Again, no response until he slid his tongue back inside. He felt Nick's hand squeeze his own in response this time. He didn't let up.
They finally parted for air, but Nick's eyes remained closed.
"Maybe I don't know exactly what I want, or exactly what...this," he gestured between them with his free hand, "Entails, but I do know that you're my best friend, you've been my friend longer then anyone else has ever been in my entire life. And you mean more to me then anyone else in my life. And maybe I don't know what that means, yet, but I do know that it means something." He squeezed Nick's hand again, "And the last three days spent without you next to me have been some of the hardest I've ever been though. And I don't want to think about an entire lifetime like that."
Nick shook his head and tried to pull away, but Cody wouldn't let him. He pulled him in close with his free arm, luggage and all, and kissed him again.
This time the second bag dropped, Nick's left arm sliding in around Cody's waist as he softly kissed back.
Nick's eyes were still closed when they parted.
"Give me a chance. That's all I can ask for. I'm not sure I deserve it, but...but I'm asking just the same. Give me a chance. Give this a chance."
He leaned in for a kiss, but Nick turned his head. "And what happens when I go too far?"
Cody frowned, "What?"
Nick forced himself to step back, putting some distance between them, though Cody refused to drop his arms. "What happens what I make one move too many? What happens when I want to do more then kiss you? Because I do, Cody, I do want to do more then kiss you, and I have for years. What happens then?"
Cody rubbed his left hand up and down Nick's arm, "Then we go very, very slowly, and you talk me though it, and we figure out what comes next together."
"And what happens when you don't like it?"
Nick's voice didn't audibly break, but Cody could feel it trying to. He couldn't help it. He leaned froward and rested their foreheads together, "Then we have this conversation again. And we figure out why. If we have to, we find a way to just be friends. But you don't just leave." He rolled his head gently back and forth against Nick's. "It's one thing if we try and it doesn't work, but it's another entirely if we both run away before we give it a chance. I..." he trailed off for a moment before finding his voice again, "I can't promise I won't be an idiot, but I can at least be an honest idiot.
"I love you. As something more then just a friend and partner and roommate." He closed his eyes. "I don't know exactly what that means, but I know it means something." He pulled his head back just far enough to look into Nick's eyes. "Can you give me that chance? Can you give me the chance to figure it out? Together?"
Nick opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Cody leaned in for another kiss.
"I don't know that if this goes south, that we can be just friends after trying, Cody." Nick finally managed, interrupting before their lips could meet. "I don't know that I can have this, and then lose it."
"Would that be worse then now? Then having wanted it, and left before we could try?"
Nick looked him steadily in the eye and nodded. "Yes. It would. I think it might just break me to have you, and then lose you because I wasn't good enough for you, Cody. I'm not sure I could take that."
Nick felt something pressing against the backs of his eyes. He had to swallow hard against the lump in his throat. "I don't think any one's ever loved me enough to feel that way before." He finally said, in full honesty.
Nick shrugged, "It's the truth. If we do this, if we try an you find you can't..."
"Then at least we'll have tried. Hell, how many people expected us to make it this far, huh?" Cody squeezed Nick's hand and arm hard. "Who expected us to make it as friends, let alone business partners? And look at all we've gone though, all we've done. Despite the odds." he leaned in for another kiss, and this time Nick didn't even try to resist. "All I'm asking is for a chance. No promises. Just a chance." He pressed their foreheads together, their lips brushing as he spoke. "I do love you, Nick. I just need some time to figure out what that entails. And I need you for that. I can't do this alone, I'm not as strong as you."
"I'm not--"
"You made it for years on your own, knowing how you felt and never letting on." Nick closed his eyes, "I've made it three days by myself, and I'm a total wreck. I feel like I'm falling apart without you." He opened his eyes again to look into Nick's. "Can you give me that chance? Can you give me the chance to love you back?"
He wasn't sure how long they spent like that, Cody embracing Nick, Nick half embracing Cody but still covered in the luggage of his life, both starring into each other's eyes. Deciding.
Finally, Nick let the last bag drop to the floor, sliding the duffel off his shoulder.
This time the kiss was mutual, both of them fully involved, arms wrapped around each other, lips hardly parting, even for a heartbeat.
Cody leaned hard against him when he pulled away, finding he didn't have the strength to stand on his own any longer.
Nick pressed a kiss into Cody's temple. "Life is all about chances."
Author: Torra
Fandom: Riptide
Pairing/Characters: Nick Ryder/Cody Allen
Rating/Category: PG-13
Prompt: Murray, finding out
Spoilers: (if applicable) Set sometime vaguely after S1, no real spoilers.
Summary: It finally comes time for Nick to press the issue, and Murray finds out Cody really is an idiot...
Word Count: ~5,800
Notes/Warnings: My take on the prompt Murray, finding out (that Cody is an idiot), because really, how could you miss them being together already? So clearly the only thing to find out is that something isn't what it seams. Thanks, of course, to my beta AndeInCascade, and any mistakes or typos left are my own fault.
Additional Notes Not For SFF: This is my gift to Tinx_R. She's the whole reason I got into this fandom, and definatly the whole reason I got into writing fic for it. So it's not much, but here is my thank you for the gift of these oh so wonderful, oh so gay boys.
"Chances And Choices"
"I had a great time tonight."
Nick smiled and squeezed Arthur's hand, "Yeah, me, too. That was a great restaurant."
The two settled into an easy silence for a few more steps.
Walking along the beach, hand-in-hand with another man had never seemed like a sensible, or even pleasant, thing to do to Nick, but something about Arthur made it seem natural. They'd taken to doing it after all their dinners together. And one breakfast.
But tonight was different. Tonight, Arthur seemed tenser then usual, thoughtful, as if he were waiting for something. His hand wasn't as relaxed in Nick's own as it usually was.
The other shoe fell when Arthur asked, "Isn't that the Riptide up ahead?"
Nick frowned and craned his neck, squinting to see through the darkness. "No, probably not. Pier 56 is about hundred yards the other direction. Plus, the beach ends before that."
"Oh."
Nick frowned, "Did you want to see the Riptide?"
Arthur shrugged, "Well, I thought it'd be nice. I only saw it the once, when I picked you up a few days ago, and you didn't invite me in."
Nick shrugged and offered a small smile, "Remind me sometime, I'll give you the full 10 cent tour."
Arthur stopped walking, pulling Nick's hand to a stop with him. "Why not tonight?"
"My roommates are back tonight." Nick gave their hands a tug, trying to get them moving. "They wrapped up the case yesterday."
Arthur didn't move. "I'd love to meet them."
Nick sighed, dropping Arthur's hand. "I really don't think that'd be a good idea."
"Why not?" Arthur moved in closer, resting a hand against Nick's shoulder, "Do you think they wouldn't like me?"
Nick snorted, "Murray'd love you. All that computer knowledge in that big head of yours, he'd never let you go."
"So what, you're afraid they wouldn't like you?"
Nick tried to shrug him off. "We've only been dating a week. Little soon to meet the folks, isn't it?"
"The last five nights out of seven, we've been sleeping together." Arthur pointed out.
"I just don't think--"
"We've only dating because they've been out of town, haven't we?"
Nick froze. Arthur sighed, "Susan warned me about this. I didn't want to believe her." The hand dropped from his shoulder. "Which one is it, Cody or Murray?"
Nick walked a few paces ahead, his back to his date, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Arthur followed him, "Yes, I really think you do. It's fine to date a guy while they're gone, but you can't let your best friends know you're gay in real life, right?"
"I'm not--"
"Fine, bi, whatever. My point stands. I'm fine to fuck, but only as long as the one you really want to fuck doesn't know about me."
Nick shook his head, "That's not it."
"Then let's go. Let's meet them." Both hands rested on Nick's shoulders from behind now. "We're good together, really good, I've clicked more with you in the last week then I did in the last four of my relationships. But that doesn't mean a thing if I'm just your dirty little secret."
"I just don't think--"
"You just don't think I'm worth throwing away what you do have for what we might have." The hands dropped away. Nick found he didn't have the strength to turn around. "Look, Nick, I like you, I really do. I could even fall in love with you pretty damned easily. But let's face it, you're only going out with me because you aren't going out with the one you want. And if you felt the same about me, you'd be willing to at least consider telling the two most important people in your life that maybe, just maybe, you could have a third."
Neither one said anything for a long time, the silence only broken by the waves gently touching upon the sandy shore and the sound of some insomniac seagulls off in the distance. Arthur sighed deeply again, "It's Cody, isn't it? The one you were an MP with?"
Nick found himself spinning around before he could stop it, "What makes you think--"
"Because you never shut up about him." Arthur's face was sad, but resigned, his hands hanging limply at his sides. "I think we could be something really good, Nick, I really do, but if you can't take that last risk, if you can't let even the idea of you and Cody go, then we don't stand a chance." He took a step forward, hands coming up to Nick's shoulders again, "I still want that chance, Nick, but it's up to you if you're willing to take it.
"You're home late."
Nick tried not to freeze guiltily in the doorway to their bedroom. "Yeah, I was out."
"Hot date?"
"Something like that."
"I figured." Cody shrugged nonchalantly from his bed, covers pulled up across his bare chest, book laid out across his stomach, page marked by his thumb. "I figured you were out with someone when you weren't here to greet us."
Nick walked over to his dresser and began to rummage around in it, forgetting for a moment what we was looking for. "Yeah, I met someone on a tour. That first day you guys were gone." He pulled a clean pair of shorts out of a drawer, but did nothing to start disrobing. "Sorry I couldn't make it on the trip."
He could hear the sound of Cody shrugging beneath the sheets, "No big, it wasn't a huge case or anything, and you probably pulled in more cash with your tours then we did on the case. There probably wouldn't have been a lot for you to do, anyhow. There wasn't a lot for me to do, either, other then watch Murray's back as he did his computer thing. You coming to bed, or are you gonna stand there all night?"
Nick jumped a little. He hadn't realized how long he'd been standing, drawer open, staring at the pair of briefs in his hands. "I...hadn't decided yet."
Cody's laugh was warm, "Thinking of chasing her down? The night's still...well, mostly young, you could probably catch her if you wanted. I mean, I know you've had the place to yourself for a week, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking it to her place for a night."
Nick took a deep breath, released it, and dropped the underwear, turning around, "No, he probably wouldn't. In fact, I have a standing invitation to come over if I want. But I thought I had to come here first, you know?"
Cody frowned, "'He'? You met a client?"
Nick dropped his eyes to the floor. "No, not a client. Well, not after the helicopter tour he booked that first day." He looked up at Cody from beneath his lashes, "I meant, 'he' as in a male-date."
Cody didn't move, hands still gripping the book draped across him. "Male?"
Nick turned back to the dresser. He couldn't do this looking at him, "Yeah, as in, his name is Arthur. He's...nice. Tax Attorney, actually, just moved in from Fresno for a job."
"You're dating a guy?" The voice was flat, not angry, not shocked, just flat.
Nick swallowed hard, "Unless I have a reason not to..." he trailed off.
"What reason would that be?" The tone was light now, forced, followed by the sound of pages turning in a book.
Nick gripped the dresser hard. He couldn't help it. He expected nothing better then this, but it still hurt.
"The kind of reason we both know I'm asking about." Nick forced himself to turn and face his oldest friend. "Should I go over to his place tonight?"
Cody didn't look up from his book. It was upside down. "Hey, if you can't even be bothered to tell me you like guys, why should my opinion on the subject matter."
Nick spun and slammed his fist hard into the face of the open drawer, forcing it shut and possibly braking a knuckle in the process. "Damnit, Cody, you know damned well why it matters!" He spun again to see Cody's eye widen, but still kept focused on the book. "Should I go to his place? Or do I have a reason to stay here?"
Cody shrugged, "This is your home, it's up to you if you want to sleep here or not. You're a grown man."
"And you are--" Nick cut himself off before he could finish the sentence. He growled and stalked over to his bed, got to his knees, and reached underneath for a worn duffelbag, slamming it as hard as he could onto his soft bed. "You know damned well what I'm asking, Cody." He fumed back to his dresser. "I can't do this anymore. I deserve an answer. I fucking deserve one!" He nearly jerked the drawer out of its moorings pulling it open. He grabbed the first things that came to hand, not bothering to look at them. "You're my best friend, we've been though hell. I've stood next to you though all of your bullshit, though all of your non-answers. After this long, I deserve an answer to this at least."
He stalked back over and began shoving clothing into the bag. Cody's eyes were wide. "What the hell are you asking, Nick?"
Nick couldn't look at him. "You know what I'm asking. I'm asking everything I never asked before because you never wanted me to ask." Another drawer open, another handful of miscellaneous clothing going into the bag. "I stood by you though all of your women, every damned time you met the one, I stood there like an idiot and told you to go for it. Told you to take that chance at happiness and be loved. Because that's what you deserved." He pulled viciously on the zipper, jamming it stuck in place halfway shut. He glared at it. "So here's your chance, Cody. What are you going to say?"
Cody was silent.
Nick couldn't move, couldn't break the stillness around them. He kept his eyes fixated on the broken zipper and the half-opened, half-filled duffel on his bed.
"What are you going to say, Cody?" His voice came out almost broken. He refused to acknowledge it as his own. "What's your answer?"
The book closed. The sheets rustled.
"I hope you're happy." The light over Cody's bed turned off.
Nick closed his eyes and swallowed hard. He nodded once, and pulled the bag over his shoulder.
He didn't say anything else as he left the Riptide.
"Well someone looks like they didn't get much sleep last night." Murray's voice was full of teasing laughter. "I find this surprising, considering it was Nick who never came home!" He nearly giggled, "Up all night worrying?"
Cody slammed the coffee carafe back hard into its holder, not looking away from it. He could feel Murray frowning at his back, though, even without turning around.
"Is something wrong? Are you actually worried about Nick?"
Cody sighed and dropped his head, setting his cup down to brace his hands on the counter.
"Cody? Cody, what's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Murray."
"Is Nick alright?" Murray got up from the table and came over to stand beside his friend. "Did something happen?"
"Let's just say we had an argument and leave it alone, aright?" He took his coffee and slid into his place at the breakfast nook, glaring at the formica.
Murray slid back into his seat across from him, not letting it go. "Is Nick in trouble? Did you meet his date?"
Cody shook his head, "Can't you just let this go, Murray?"
Murray frowned deeply. "No, no I really don't think I can. Or should, from the way you're acting." He sat up, "Oh! Do you think she's a criminal? Did he take a case while we were away and you now think she's gonna double cross him? Is he going to get hurt?"
Cody sighed, "He's definitely going to get hurt."
"So it is a client! I knew it. So what is she, a shady dame? A femme fatale? A--"
"She's a guy." The words snapped out before Cody could bite them back. He groaned and pushed his coffee away to bury his head in his arms, folded across the table. "He's fucking a guy, Murray." he muttered into his shirt-sleeves.
The room was quiet for awhile. Finally, Murray ventured a soft, confused, "So he's a...what, macho fatale? I don't know what the masculine for that word is. But you don't like him, right?"
Cody's head snapped up, "What?"
"Well clearly you think this is a bad idea. So what gave you the clue, do you know him? Did his eyes look shifty? Where they too close together? Or did he maybe walk around in a dark trench coat and fedora despite the California sun?"
Cody shook his head, "Murray, what are you talking about? He's dating a guy!"
Murray looked confused, but nodded, "Exactly, so what makes you not trust him?"
"Maybe the fact that he's a guy?"
Murray's frown deepened, then he looked at Cody almost pitifully, "Did you try to stop him? Did he...did he choose this guy over you? Is that what happened?" He reached across to pat Cody awkwardly on the elbow, "Because I'm sure you misunderstood, Nick would never choose someone over you, you have to know that, right?"
Cody threw himself out of his seat and began pacing the small room, "My problem is that my best friend is suddenly fucking a guy! That's what my problem is! This has nothing to do with me!"
Murray watched him quietly for a couple of turns before finally asking in a small, baffled voice, "You did know that he was gay, didn't you? I mean...I knew, and I've only been living with you guys for a year."
Cody spun on him, eyes wide, "Nick is not gay! He was a fighter pilot! We were Military Police together! You can't be gay and in the US Military!"
Murray's eyes tightened worriedly, "You don't honestly believe that, do you, Cody? I mean," He shook his head confused, "He's your best friend. The man's been in love with you for years! I knew that even back in New Orleans. Surly you can't honestly tell me you never noticed how he felt about you."
"He's NOT in love with me!" Cody threw a punch into the air, swinging his arm wide and hard.
Murray was just staring at him. Finally Cody snapped, "What!?"
"Cody..." Murray shook his head again, slowly, sadly now, "Cody, Nick has been in love with you for longer then I've known either of you." He sighed deeply, "Tell me you didn't say anything stupid last night."
"Say anything-- Murray, he's fucking a guy!"
"Probably because he can't fuck you!" Murray blushed, "I mean love you. He can't love you." He shrugged, "Did you honestly expect him to spend the rest of his life alone because you didn't want him? Like that?"
"I expected him to be honest with me! Friends are honest with each other, Murray. They tell each other important things about themselves. Like when they're homosexual!"
Murray tilted his head to the side and eyed him, "And if he had...would you have let him live here on the Riptide with you?"
Cody froze, "Why wouldn't I?"
Murray's eyebrows raised high, "Well, have you been listening to yourself just now?"
Cody's energy escaped from him all in a rush. His shoulders slumped, and his arms fell to his sides, his head dropped down low between his shoulders. With a little effort, he found he couldn't lift it. He sighed deeply and slid back into his seat with his waiting coffee. "I didn't handle that as well as I could have, did I?"
Murray shrugged, "I thought you knew." He shrugged a second time, "I mean, I mostly thought you knew, but turned him down a long time ago, and you knew he was willing to do whatever it took to stay your friend. Even if that meant never having what he really wanted. Why else would he be willing to share a room, be so close to someone he cared so deeply for and knew was off limits, if you weren't so important to him that he thought it was worth it." He found a wrinkled paper napkin on the table to fiddle with. "Why else would you let him, if you didn't think the friendship was worth putting him though that, too?"
Cody frowned, "'Putting him though that'? I didn't put him though anything! I didn't ask him to--"
"But he does." He pushed his glasses further up his nose, "I just figured you guys talked about it years ago, you said no, and but you're so close, I just figured...I don't know, you both just choose to ignore it because you're such good friends. I mean, I don't know if I could have done that; been so close, watched you constantly chase after unattainable women, and still stand there smiling and be your shoulder to not-cry on when it blows up." The napkin was slowly being decimated into identical inch wide strips. "But then, I've always known I wasn't as strong as either of you." The last strip was balled up. "I just never thought you guys did it because you were a coward."
"Now wait just one minute--!"
"You're a coward, Cody." Murray refused to look at him, voice firm, but eyes kept on the task in his hands. "Any blind man could see how much Nick loves you. Hell, all of Pier 56 thinks you're together, why do you think Momma Jo didn't break your legs when she caught you trying to date any of her girls? Everyone knew it was just cover." Another strip was balled up. "And really, as long as you were gentlemen and didn't push it, no one minded being cover. You two are respected members of this society here, people care about you." Another ball. "I wonder what they'd think now."
"What, now that you believe I'm a coward?" Cody snapped, knuckles white as he pressed his hands flat against the table top.
Murray sighed, "Knowing Nick, I'm guessing he didn't just come out and tell you he was seeing someone. Did he?" A glance over his glasses rims. "He gave you a choice?"
Cody fidgeted in place. "I wouldn't call it a choice...I mean, he just sprang this on me and expected--"
"Expected you to be his friend?"
"Hey, now, that's uncalled for!" Cody slapped one hand hard against the table, harder then he meant to.
Murray kept his eyes fixed on the little paper strips and wadded up balls in his hands. "I'm guessing he gave you a choice, and when you acted...acted like this, he left. Didn't he?" He looked up, "If I go into your room, am I going to find any of his stuff in there?"
"Of course you are! He didn't move out, for God's sake!"
Murray nodded and looked back to his bits of paper. "And if I look in there tomorrow...?" he trailed off.
Cody couldn't answer.
Murray shook his head and swept up all the little balls into a pile before folding his hands in front of him and looking at Cody. "He loves you. He's your best friend. He's stood next to you and supported you and never once asked you to choose him, not in all these years." He shrugged one shoulder, "Now you have a choice. He'll have to come back for his stuff sometime...are you just going to let him leave, or actually going ask him to?"
"Should I ask him to stay? If he's really in love with me, he'd..." Cody couldn't say it.
"He'd what? Keep his mouth shut and go back to pretending?"
"Well..." Cody trailed off without answering.
Murray scowled at him, "What kind of friend would ask another friend to do that?" he shook his head disapprovingly, "I gotta say, I'm disappointed in you, Cody. I honestly thought better of you. It's one thing if you didn't feel the same, and you both pretended so as to stay friends. It's another matter entirely for you to take advantage of him, ask him to either spend his life alone, or in a lie, just so you can go on feeling like nothing has changed."
"But it has changed!" Cody wanted to pace again, but resisted the urge.
"What's changed? He always loved you, it's just that now you can't ignore it anymore." Murray placed one hand gently on-top of Cody's fists, which he hadn't even realized he'd clenched. "I think you need to ask yourself why you're so mad. Are you upset that he's homosexual? Or that you don't want to believe it? Or that now you finally have to decide if he's worth the risk?"
Cody knew someone was in the Riptide as soon as he set foot on the bow. Nick hadn't been back for three days, though he had called Murray and left a message with the Roboz that he was fine and staying with a friend. But as soon as Cody's foot rested on the smooth, loving wood of his boat, he knew he wasn't alone.
And he knew, just as surely, that it was Nick. And that Nick had timed his arrival very carefully, fully intending to run into no one during his visit. This was the first time Cody had spent longer then ten minutes off the Riptide since the fight. Nick had waited for a time when he'd be gone long enough to do more then grab a change of clothes.
Cody sighed and shifted the weight of the grocery bags, debating whether to go in, or get back on to the pier and walk away.
Murray's accusations of his cowardice finally spurred him on.
Murray hadn't spoken to him much in the last three days, and honestly, Cody hadn't wanted him to. He'd said more then enough at breakfast and Cody had needed that time to think it all over. Until he went down the steps and suddenly found himself face-to-face with his oldest friend, he hadn't been sure what his decision would be.
Now he was sure.
"I'm sorry. I thought I'd be gone before you got back."
Nick's clothes were wrinkled, not the carefully ironed shirts that he liked to keep. He put a lot of stock into his appearance, always in clean, pressed clothing and a close shave; so the sight of him in the state was more shocking then if he'd appeared broken and bloodied out of the blue.
Cody went over to the counter to set the bags down. Once done, he found he couldn't turn around. "You're packing?"
He heard Nick turn away again, and the sound of a zipper on his duffel closing. "Seemed like the best thing to do." he sighed. Cody could feel the emotion coming off his friend in waves, but he could also feel Nick's efforts to not let that show. He knew his friend too well, he wouldn't want to push his emotions on anyone else, especially not someone who he thought didn't want to share them.
That was what finally gave Cody the strength, and the courage, to turn around. "You don't have to go."
Nick was at the breakfast table, two suitcases Cody didn't recognise at either side of his feet, his duffel on the table. He kept his back to Cody. "Seemed like the best idea for everyone." He paused, then finally shrugged, "You're my best friend, Cody, and we've had a great time together, but I'm not someone to hang around when I'm not wanted. I thought I could keep going like I was, but..." his hands rested heavily on his closed bag, "But I just don't think I can anymore, you know? It was one thing when I could pretend. I had myself convinced it was enough, that what I had was a good thing and I was just being damned greedy for wanting anything else, but you know what?" He turned around, but kept his eyes at chest level. "I'm not greedy for wanting to be happy. I'm really not."
He lost his nerve again, and looked at the floor. "This thing with Arthur and me...it won't go anywhere, he's just being nice enough to let me crash at his place, which is sweet of him, but we both know I can't feel for him what he wants." He turned back around "But he did make me realise a few things. Including the fact that I'm not a bad person for wanting something good in my life. I'm not a bad person, Cody. I deserve to be happy." More fiddling with the duffel. "You may not want those things, but I do, and I deserve the chance to try to find them with someone who wants them, too."
"Nick..."
Nick shook his head, back still to him, "I'm not the kind of guy to give ultimatums. This isn't me asking you to choose. This is who you are, and this is who I am." He slung the bag over his shoulder, "I want you to be happy, Cody, with whomever makes you happy. I just hope that somehow you can find a way to forgive me for lying to you. I don't want..." He paused and swallowed hard, "I don't want to lose our friendship over something I can't control. I can't stop being what I am, or stop feeling what I feel."
He turned around again, and finally looked Cody in the eye. "I never lied about you being my best friend. You are. And you always will be. And I don't want to lose that. But I just can't keep standing here and knowing I'll never be anything more to you. It...it hurts too much, okay?"
He looked down to the rest of his bags at his feet, but didn't bother picking them up yet. "I'm going to take some time. To myself. Figure out a way to be your friend without making you uncomfortable about it. But that's going to take time, and that's not time I can spend sitting next to you, and touching you, and laughing with you, and not wanting you."
Cody found his head shaking and couldn't stop it, "Nick, please, don't do this. Don't go..."
Nick visibly shook off his emotion, and when he looked up again, he had a wide smile across his face that never touched his eyes, "Hey, this isn't the end of the world, man. We'll get back into our old groove, same as we always do after a fight. I just need some time to figure some stuff out first." He bent over to grab a suitcase in each hand. "And it's not like I won't be in touch...eventually. I just gotta--"
Cody was across the room and kissing Nick before he could stop himself. Gentle hands cradling Nick's baby-smooth cheeks between his palms, lips caressing, soothing against Nick's.
Nick didn't move. Didn't respond.
Cody's tongue teased outwards, easing inside, enticing Nick's to respond. Finally, it did, but no other part of him.
When he pulled away, Nick wouldn't look at him, arms still loaded at his sides with his bags.
"Don't go."
Nick's eyes closed painfully, "Cody, man, you don't want--"
"Maybe I do." Cody interrupted.
Nick's eyes opened, looking stern but oh so sad. "No, man, you don't. If you did, you would have wanted it a long time ago."
Cody gentled his hands down from Nick's cheeks to rest on his shoulders, rubbing and squeezing at his upper arms, "Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I don't know what I want." He trailed his hands down and carefully pried the suitcase out of Nick's left hand and took with his own. "Maybe this is all really new to me, but I'm not willing to throw it away because I don't understand it."
Nick squeezed his eyes closed again, head lowering, "I wish you meant that, Cody, I really do but--"
Cody interrupted him with another kiss. Again, no response until he slid his tongue back inside. He felt Nick's hand squeeze his own in response this time. He didn't let up.
They finally parted for air, but Nick's eyes remained closed.
"Maybe I don't know exactly what I want, or exactly what...this," he gestured between them with his free hand, "Entails, but I do know that you're my best friend, you've been my friend longer then anyone else has ever been in my entire life. And you mean more to me then anyone else in my life. And maybe I don't know what that means, yet, but I do know that it means something." He squeezed Nick's hand again, "And the last three days spent without you next to me have been some of the hardest I've ever been though. And I don't want to think about an entire lifetime like that."
Nick shook his head and tried to pull away, but Cody wouldn't let him. He pulled him in close with his free arm, luggage and all, and kissed him again.
This time the second bag dropped, Nick's left arm sliding in around Cody's waist as he softly kissed back.
Nick's eyes were still closed when they parted.
"Give me a chance. That's all I can ask for. I'm not sure I deserve it, but...but I'm asking just the same. Give me a chance. Give this a chance."
He leaned in for a kiss, but Nick turned his head. "And what happens when I go too far?"
Cody frowned, "What?"
Nick forced himself to step back, putting some distance between them, though Cody refused to drop his arms. "What happens what I make one move too many? What happens when I want to do more then kiss you? Because I do, Cody, I do want to do more then kiss you, and I have for years. What happens then?"
Cody rubbed his left hand up and down Nick's arm, "Then we go very, very slowly, and you talk me though it, and we figure out what comes next together."
"And what happens when you don't like it?"
Nick's voice didn't audibly break, but Cody could feel it trying to. He couldn't help it. He leaned froward and rested their foreheads together, "Then we have this conversation again. And we figure out why. If we have to, we find a way to just be friends. But you don't just leave." He rolled his head gently back and forth against Nick's. "It's one thing if we try and it doesn't work, but it's another entirely if we both run away before we give it a chance. I..." he trailed off for a moment before finding his voice again, "I can't promise I won't be an idiot, but I can at least be an honest idiot.
"I love you. As something more then just a friend and partner and roommate." He closed his eyes. "I don't know exactly what that means, but I know it means something." He pulled his head back just far enough to look into Nick's eyes. "Can you give me that chance? Can you give me the chance to figure it out? Together?"
Nick opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Cody leaned in for another kiss.
"I don't know that if this goes south, that we can be just friends after trying, Cody." Nick finally managed, interrupting before their lips could meet. "I don't know that I can have this, and then lose it."
"Would that be worse then now? Then having wanted it, and left before we could try?"
Nick looked him steadily in the eye and nodded. "Yes. It would. I think it might just break me to have you, and then lose you because I wasn't good enough for you, Cody. I'm not sure I could take that."
Nick felt something pressing against the backs of his eyes. He had to swallow hard against the lump in his throat. "I don't think any one's ever loved me enough to feel that way before." He finally said, in full honesty.
Nick shrugged, "It's the truth. If we do this, if we try an you find you can't..."
"Then at least we'll have tried. Hell, how many people expected us to make it this far, huh?" Cody squeezed Nick's hand and arm hard. "Who expected us to make it as friends, let alone business partners? And look at all we've gone though, all we've done. Despite the odds." he leaned in for another kiss, and this time Nick didn't even try to resist. "All I'm asking is for a chance. No promises. Just a chance." He pressed their foreheads together, their lips brushing as he spoke. "I do love you, Nick. I just need some time to figure out what that entails. And I need you for that. I can't do this alone, I'm not as strong as you."
"I'm not--"
"You made it for years on your own, knowing how you felt and never letting on." Nick closed his eyes, "I've made it three days by myself, and I'm a total wreck. I feel like I'm falling apart without you." He opened his eyes again to look into Nick's. "Can you give me that chance? Can you give me the chance to love you back?"
He wasn't sure how long they spent like that, Cody embracing Nick, Nick half embracing Cody but still covered in the luggage of his life, both starring into each other's eyes. Deciding.
Finally, Nick let the last bag drop to the floor, sliding the duffel off his shoulder.
This time the kiss was mutual, both of them fully involved, arms wrapped around each other, lips hardly parting, even for a heartbeat.
Cody leaned hard against him when he pulled away, finding he didn't have the strength to stand on his own any longer.
Nick pressed a kiss into Cody's temple. "Life is all about chances."