A Stranger to Myself (Bucky Barnes, PG)
Title: A Stranger to Myself
Character(s)/Pairings: Bucky Barnes
Rating: PG
Summary: In the aftermath of the events of The Winter Soldier, James Buchanan Barnes seeks to find his true identity.
Author’s Notes: My main note is I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS. I have a very deep love of Bucky Barnes and this is the first chance I've had to articulate some of that in order to get it out of my system. There's a lot more pent up in there so we'll see what comes of it. Thanks so much to mustangcandi for being my beta and for telling me to post this. I hope you enjoy.
Spoilers: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated with Marvel, Captain America or The Winter Soldier.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d stood in the museum reading about the man he apparently used to be. Since the day the man on the bridge had uttered that one word “Bucky” he had been getting flashes of memories. It was all so fuzzy and confusing. Most of the time, the things that came back were broken and out of order but he did remember his fall from the train. He remembered being dragged away from the site and the fact they had operated on him while he was still awake…cutting away his mangled arm and fusing on his new one. To be honest, it gave him excruciating headaches and completely exhausted him. Each time he remembered something, it also triggered all that he had been feeling in that moment and one thing he knew for sure…whatever experiments Zola had done on him during his capture, while it might have ultimately spared his life, he still felt the pain of the subsequent procedures. Absently, he reached over and rubbed at his shoulder where his skin turned to metal.
He had spent the last 70 years without an identity - without a choice. He had been a weapon and that was it; roused from cryo when there was a mission, only to be plunged back into darkness when he was no longer needed. Over the years he had watched the world and the technologies change, had been trained on every weapon available and given the knowledge he would need in order to go out into the world. Never once had he questioned; it had never even crossed his mind. He was a soldier, following orders, doing his duty. Now? He was questioning everything. Not only was he on his own now, without direction, but his latest mission had been to eliminate his best friend - his brother. Steve Rogers. It was seemingly impossible that Steve was still alive in the here and now, but had also seemingly stepped out of cryo as well. He hadn’t aged a day since the last time he saw him. How? He wasn’t sure how any of this was possible, but he did know he would still be nothing more than a highly-skilled weapon if not for “that kid from Brooklyn.”
The problem now was that he couldn’t remember enough about himself or about regular life to be able to decide what to do now. He was lost…and broken. A big part of him wanted to search out his best friend. He had still been so stunned and confused after their fight that he had merely left him on the shore before wandering off. Guilt wracked him all over again now as he looked around at the display - as he read about all of the heroics of Captain America and the Howling Commandos. He had once been a part of that - had once fought for good and for something he believed in. He hoped more than anything he could find his way back to that life. Maybe he could find some way to redeem himself enough that he felt he could seek out Steve and ask for forgiveness.
He was broken from his thoughts when the announcement was made that the museum would be closing. He covertly looked around and took a deep breath before pulling his ballcap lower. Bucky Barnes. That was who he was supposed to be. Now all he had to do was remember how…and hope to God he could forgive himself for the other things he remembered; the things that plagued his dreams.
Character(s)/Pairings: Bucky Barnes
Rating: PG
Summary: In the aftermath of the events of The Winter Soldier, James Buchanan Barnes seeks to find his true identity.
Author’s Notes: My main note is I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS. I have a very deep love of Bucky Barnes and this is the first chance I've had to articulate some of that in order to get it out of my system. There's a lot more pent up in there so we'll see what comes of it. Thanks so much to mustangcandi for being my beta and for telling me to post this. I hope you enjoy.
Spoilers: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated with Marvel, Captain America or The Winter Soldier.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d stood in the museum reading about the man he apparently used to be. Since the day the man on the bridge had uttered that one word “Bucky” he had been getting flashes of memories. It was all so fuzzy and confusing. Most of the time, the things that came back were broken and out of order but he did remember his fall from the train. He remembered being dragged away from the site and the fact they had operated on him while he was still awake…cutting away his mangled arm and fusing on his new one. To be honest, it gave him excruciating headaches and completely exhausted him. Each time he remembered something, it also triggered all that he had been feeling in that moment and one thing he knew for sure…whatever experiments Zola had done on him during his capture, while it might have ultimately spared his life, he still felt the pain of the subsequent procedures. Absently, he reached over and rubbed at his shoulder where his skin turned to metal.
He had spent the last 70 years without an identity - without a choice. He had been a weapon and that was it; roused from cryo when there was a mission, only to be plunged back into darkness when he was no longer needed. Over the years he had watched the world and the technologies change, had been trained on every weapon available and given the knowledge he would need in order to go out into the world. Never once had he questioned; it had never even crossed his mind. He was a soldier, following orders, doing his duty. Now? He was questioning everything. Not only was he on his own now, without direction, but his latest mission had been to eliminate his best friend - his brother. Steve Rogers. It was seemingly impossible that Steve was still alive in the here and now, but had also seemingly stepped out of cryo as well. He hadn’t aged a day since the last time he saw him. How? He wasn’t sure how any of this was possible, but he did know he would still be nothing more than a highly-skilled weapon if not for “that kid from Brooklyn.”
The problem now was that he couldn’t remember enough about himself or about regular life to be able to decide what to do now. He was lost…and broken. A big part of him wanted to search out his best friend. He had still been so stunned and confused after their fight that he had merely left him on the shore before wandering off. Guilt wracked him all over again now as he looked around at the display - as he read about all of the heroics of Captain America and the Howling Commandos. He had once been a part of that - had once fought for good and for something he believed in. He hoped more than anything he could find his way back to that life. Maybe he could find some way to redeem himself enough that he felt he could seek out Steve and ask for forgiveness.
He was broken from his thoughts when the announcement was made that the museum would be closing. He covertly looked around and took a deep breath before pulling his ballcap lower. Bucky Barnes. That was who he was supposed to be. Now all he had to do was remember how…and hope to God he could forgive himself for the other things he remembered; the things that plagued his dreams.