Feed Your Head, Part 7
Feed Your Head, Part 7
They retraced many of their steps that morning, poring over the territory they had in the dark the night before. Jensen once again felt incredibly grateful and guilty for the turnout. Together with local police, he’d split everybody up into pairs for the search. Misha walked with him, mostly silent until they broke for lunch, sitting in the woods, backs up against the trees while they ate sandwiches they’d brought with them. Jensen felt the guilt weigh on him even more when Misha pulled out his phone, concentrating on it more than eating, scrolling endlessly. Misha, along with many others, had tweeted the night before, asking everyone to please pray, or do whatever it is that they do, for Jared’s safe return. He’d also asked that anybody with any information at all please go to the police or speak up somehow. Realistically, Twitter replies wouldn’t be much helpful as far as actual information on Jared’s case, but that didn’t stop Misha from looking.
“You can’t read them all, Mish,” Jensen said sympathetically, nodding towards Misha’s other hand. “You should finish eating.”
Misha sighed, shoulders slumping. “I know I can’t read them all, but I’m…I’m trying.”
Jensen snorted. “Boy, he’d love to hear that. I’m surprised you’re even out here.” It was the wrong thing to say, and Jensen knew it; a bad joke at a bad time. But Jensen couldn’t sort his own feelings out enough to keep track of anyone else’s. He looked away when Misha looked up at him. It occurred to him that it might’ve been the first time he’d ever seen Misha genuinely angry.
“He’s missing, Jensen.” Misha shook his head and shoved his phone back into his pocket. “Why are you taking a joke between us more seriously than this search? I mean, he’s my friend, too, as much as we playfully bully each other.” That last bit was sarcastic, and Misha glared at Jensen a little. “But you’re the one who calls him your brother.”
That cut deep. If he only knew that I left Jared behind, Jensen thought. “I am taking this seriously.” His mouth felt dry as he lied through it.
“But you’re not,” Misha insisted, frowning at the uneaten half of sandwich in his hand and packing it away for later. “Have you seen the rest of us? The way we’re looking? Fuck, I’ve kicked over tiny piles of leaves, as if he could be hiding under them, all 6’4 of him, or maybe find some sort of fucking clue. Everybody else is meticulous about this, except for you. You just keep walking, eyes up.” He leaned forward, and Jensen tensed, feeling the pressure building. “And I don’t know you as well as Jared does, but I still know enough to know when you’re acting. Maybe nobody else does, but we’ve been in enough scenes together, I know how it goes. Do you know something? Something that the rest of us don’t?”
Jensen bristled. This was getting too close to the truth; the truth that nobody would believe. His jaw clenched, and his did his best to lock eyes with Misha. “If I knew something about what happened to Jared, why wouldn’t I tell someone about it? Why wouldn’t I help him?”
Misha stood, ready to move on. “That’s what I’d like to know.” He started walking, and Jensen cursed, having to get up and walk after him.
“I don’t know anything,” he said, then wondered if it sounded desperate. “I just don’t know what to do.” His voice broke then, and he must’ve sounded as lost as he felt, because Misha stopped and turned to look at him, his eyes a bit softer this time. “I was right there, you know?” Jensen continued, saying what he felt without revealing the truth. “We were both there, I saw him, I talked to him, and now he’s gone. The guy who’s been practically glued to my hip for eight years, and I couldn’t help him. I’ve had his back and protected him from everything I possibly could all this time, and now…” Jensen paused to take a breath, almost afraid he was having a panic attack. “He’s my little brother, and I don’t know what the hell could be happening to him right now.” He wheezed a little, then closed his eyes, hand to his chest, fighting to take back control. He felt Misha’s hand on his shoulder, and he calmed down some, opening his eyes and looking back at Misha. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not really in this. It’s just taking a lot to fucking keep it together right now, and I can’t do this in front of all the people we have out here with us. I’m just trying to…feel normal still. For them. If I panic, then everyone loses hope, and I can’t do that to them, I just can’t.”
“Okay.” Misha pushed a hand through his hair, then over his face. “Fuck. Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get pissed off at you. I guess we’re all a little stressed. I’m sorry,” he said, more sincerely. “Are you okay?”
Jensen scoffed. “Not by a longshot. But that doesn’t matter right now, does it?”
****
More walking, more stopping, and more sleeping in the grass was making Jared weary, as well as his companions. It was better walking, though, now that they could keep to the road, and it was a much different journey with the weight of being hunted lifted from Jared’s shoulders.
“So, explain this to me again,” Jared said, elbowing Jefferson. Haigha playfully rolled his eyes at Jared, but Jared had his reasons for making Jefferson tell the story over and over again. Jefferson may have saved them, but he was still mad, and Jared still wasn’t sure if he could fully trust him. He wanted to make sure that Jefferson’s story stayed the same each time, that the facts didn’t stray from previous versions. To his credit, Jefferson answered patiently every time:
“I stumbled upon it ages ago. I was chasing after the White Rabbit, and I just happened, once, to be quick enough to catch him hurrying into a burrow. It’s the only one I’ve ever seen him go into. I was curious enough that I shrank myself with a bit of mushroom and followed him in. The burrow was at the bottom of a hill, almost a mountain, really, nearly vertical, with the top far from view. I went inside, and realized that the burrow was a tunnel running straight up the mountain. It was mostly too dark to see. I left and came back with some provisions, not knowing how long it would take me to scale it. I also brought candles and matches which proved to be challenge.
“It’s a difficult climb, to say the least, but there are other, smaller tunnels that branch off from it, and I’d sit in those to rest, otherwise I’d slide right down to the bottom, which could also be dangerous. Not just because of the fall, but because some of the sticks and stones around the edges can slice you right open. But I did it. I reached the end, I saw a light, and I stepped out…into your world.
“It was a secret I kept to myself, visiting from time to time, everything new and exciting. I met people, talked to them. I’d bring back trinkets, souvenirs, things I also kept to myself. But, somehow, with her magic, the Queen knew. She always knew. I knew some magic, too, and I could feel the magic stepping through the end of that tunnel. I could sense it, feel it working over me.
“The Queen never went through herself. Can you imagine her shrinking herself down and making the climb? But one world wasn’t enough, she told me. She’d already found the spell, but thought it was the ravings of a madman, nothing to be believed. But once she knew I’d visited another world, she told me if I’d found one, there must be more. She told me as she made me take a walk with her through the forest. She knew it well, and she was too powerful to get lost in it.
“She told me I had to find more worlds for her. I had to create ways to get to them. She told me why, and I was horrified. I still had my heart, at the time. She didn’t even bother trying to convince me, just pulled my heart out of my chest and left me in the forest to ‘think about it’. I…I went mad. But I did it. I thought about my own magic, about the kind of magic I felt in that tunnel, and somehow it clicked. The Queen knew when it did and came to me. She pulled me out of the forest, and that’s when I made the hat and the looking glass. I made it with rules, because the Queen didn’t want it to be a free portal. It needed to have consequences, though most people here had no desire to leave, anyway. I was more curious than others…”
Jared immediately felt stupid when he heard it the first time. The White Rabbit was a prominent figure in the tale from his own world. The White Rabbit led Alice to Wonderland in the first place. But, while certain things were similar in the real Wonderland, not all of it was, so it hadn’t seemed quite so obvious. And when Jared asked about Alice, Jefferson laughed and said he’d made up the story while drunkenly explaining who he was and where he was from during one of his visits to Jared’s world. It was, of course, embellished upon when it was published by someone else years later.
“Here we are,” Jefferson said abruptly, walking to the edge of the road where the grass stretched high up above them on a steep incline. Jared looked up in awe, wondering how this thing came to be. Jefferson pushed some of the grass aside with his foot, and Jared saw the entrance to the tunnel, so neatly hidden. “You’ll need some things.” Wordlessly, Jefferson reached into his pockets, handing Jared pieces of mushroom. “Left, little,” he said, helping Jared to remember which was which as Jared shoved them into his own pockets. Reaching inside his coat, Jefferson pulled out a flashlight. “And this is much better than candles.”
Jared laughed, taking the flashlight into his hands. “Thank you. Really. This is…” He stepped back, taking a deep breath, feeling a little lightheaded and giddy. He looked at Jefferson, at Haigha, laughing. “I’m going home!”
“You are,” Haigha said, removing his backpack. “At long last.” Jared still had plenty of food left from the townsfolk, food that would keep, but Haigha removed some from his own stores just the same. “You take this for the last part of your journey.”
“No…” Jared shook his head, suddenly feeling a mix of emotions. They were nearly the same as when he thought he was leaving through the looking glass, but more intense now that he’d spent so much more time with Haigha. “You two still have to travel back, and I’m fine, really.”
“Take it,” Haigha insisted, moving around to Jared’s back and shoving it into Jared’s backpack himself. “I won’t have you getting hurt or coming back to me again.” Jared turned to him, feeling a slight lump in his throat, and Haigha just smiled at him, even if it was through a bit of sadness. “Go home. Be with your family.”
Jared wrapped Haigha up in a tight hug, wishing he could think of something decent to say. “Haigha, you’ve been…” He pulled away, and Haigha left a paw on his shoulder, regarding him with teary eyes. “I don’t even know what to say. I wish there was some way I could repay you for everything you’ve done. I can’t thank you enough.”
Haigha squeezed his shoulder before letting it go. “It was all my pleasure.”
“Hey, promise me something,” Jared said, the thought just coming to mind. “Now that you’re one of the heroes of Wonderland, and there’s no more evil, and you’ve made some friends here? Stay with them. Don’t be alone, just…be happy.”
“I will do that,” Haigha promised, and Jared hugged him once more. He then turned and pulled Jefferson into a hug, startling the man.
“We’ve definitely had our differences,” Jared said, patting Jefferson on the back and stepping away. “But I understand now. And you’ve paid your debts with more than anyone could ever ask for. You saved your world from the Jabberwock, and you saved me. You sent me home. I’ll never forget that.”
Jefferson, who looked scared and confused throughout the hug and Jared’s speech, suddenly broke into a smile that seemed genuine and normal, not mad at all.
“I guess this is it,” Jared said after a pause. He took a deep breath, feeling excited and scared at the same time, knowing this wouldn’t exactly be easy. He pulled the bit of mushroom from his left pocket and ate it, falling forward when he suddenly shrank to the size of a small rabbit. His clothes were enormous, and the backpack loomed behind him, huge. Jared felt dismayed at the sight of it all until Jefferson leaned over it and spoke some foreign words, shrinking everything down to Jared’s size. He did the same with the flashlight, which had rolled to Jared’s side. Jared’s breath whooshed out in relief, and he looked up and up at Jefferson, laughing and shouting his thanks. He hoisted the backpack onto his shoulders, grabbed the flashlight, and turned towards the tunnel, towards darkness, then took his first steps towards home.
****
Another day of not finding Jared left Jensen feeling hollow. He’d promised everyone that they’d try again the next day, that they’d keep trying for as long as it took, because that’s what he probably would say if he didn’t already know the truth. For the first time in a long time, Jensen sat on the edge of his bed and cried, head in his hands. It was all too much, the pressure and the guilt. There were too many thoughts racing through his head, too many emotions. They all had to do with leaving Jared behind, with having to live a lie, to be a leader, to still be a husband and eventually a father. How could he pull all of this off, and for how long?
“Jensen?” He hadn’t even heard Danneel come in, but she was there now, wrapping her arms around him. Her fingers pushed through his hair, and he leaned into her, trying to stop the tears, the shaking of his shoulders, but that only made it worse. He gave in and let her soothe him, eventually calming down to the feel and scent of her, grateful for it.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized when it was over, his voice wrecked.
“Don’t be.”
“I can’t keep this up forever,” he admitted, feeling weak even as he said it.
“I know.”
There was no blind encouragement, no talk of how it would somehow all work out, and Jensen was also grateful for that. They didn’t need to talk about it. If anything, talking about it might only make it worse. He knew that thinking about it made it worse. He could tell himself that the search wouldn’t last forever, and that things would be easier then, but that would also mean he’d fully given up on Jared, even if the search was a farce. There was nothing good to say. He took a deep breath against her, and she pushed him back on the bed, undressing him and herself, then curling up in bed with him.
“Just rest,” she whispered, and he pulled her into his arms, breathing her in. “Take one day at a time. That’s all we can do. Sometimes it’s better to not think ahead.”
He kissed Danneel’s forehead and closed his eyes, doing his best to keep breathing and repeating her words over and over again in his head, eventually drifting off to sleep.
****
Jared found that it was easiest to hook the flashlight into one of the backpack’s straps as he climbed. When he first started, he barely even thought about the climb itself or the work his body was putting into it, but it was a bit discouraging when he did start to feel it. It was so dark, and there was no way of knowing at this point how far along he’d gone. He realized he needed to pay more attention and be more careful, the sharp stones just as dangerous as Jefferson had said. He considered pushing himself to the limit, then realized it would be much wiser to quit when he was ahead, so he’d have more strength after resting.
At the next branch turning off of the main tunnel, he stopped, moving to his right and sitting just inside the entrance. It felt good to pause, and he pulled off his backpack to open it, drinking plenty of water and taking in a small meal. It was so quiet, so dark, and so lonely, but Jared was more focused than afraid. With a full stomach, he switched off his flashlight and slept, dreaming of reaching the top. Nothing could stop him now.
Jared couldn’t judge the passing of time by the light and dark of day and night, but Jefferson was right about the trip taking days; grueling, careful, tiring days. It felt like years, and when he thought he caught a glimpse of light, real light, his heart leapt. He switched the flashlight off, just to be sure, and while it was just a pinprick, it was there. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry as he kept climbing, the hole above him growing larger and brighter. Though he was bone-tired, he started moving faster, eager to reach Wonderland’s only true exit.
Too eager, he realized too late, losing his footing and then his grip. “NO!” he screamed, his heart dropping as he scrambled to get a hold of something, anything. He didn’t fall far, but how he managed to grab a hold and keep it was a miracle as he screamed again, this time in pain. It could have been anything, stick or stone, that tore a gash into his side. Jared clung desperately, temporarily blinded by the injury, trying to regain his balance, his breath, some sort of clarity.
"No,” he repeated, breathless this time. He’d come too far. He could see it, just as easily as he could feel the blood spilling from his side, warm and sticky. Tears spilled from his eyes. He couldn’t come this close to home and then lose. Gathering his strength, he urged himself on, crying out as he forced himself to fight and climb through the pain. It being too much of a burden now, he tossed the backpack and flashlight off, sending them crashing back down the way he came.
He reached the edge, his hand reaching out and gripping grass. With one final pull, he was out, out of Wonderland and on solid, horizontal ground, back in his own world. But he was growing dizzy, lightheaded, tired. He pressed a hand to his side. Blood. Too much blood. Struggling to his feet, he reached into his right pocket and found the last step of his journey, the little bit of mushroom that he slipped between his lips. His mouth felt so dry, and he forced himself to chew, to choke it down, the shock of growing back to his usual size sending him back down to the ground.
Jared fought and fought to stay awake, but his eyes slipped closed before he could stop them, plunging him into darkness.
****
Jensen walked with Misha again on the third day of the search, the two of them mostly walking in silence. They walked until something caught Jensen’s eye, and he stopped cold, wondering if it was real. “Do you see that?” he whispered, and Misha stepped up next to him, looking in the same direction.
“What?”
“The White Rabbit.”
“What?”
Jensen didn’t have time to deal with Misha’s confusion. The Rabbit started hopping away, and Jensen took off after it, Misha shouting his name and stumbling after him. He ran, trying not to get his hopes up, trying to keep calm, wondering how the animal hadn’t occurred to him before, though he didn’t know how he ever would have found it. He wondered how long it had been there, if he’d missed it when he hadn’t really been looking, as Misha pointed out. He followed the Rabbit, seeing that it was plainly leading him now, and he wondered if he was too late…
Then the Rabbit disappeared in the brush, and Jensen stopped cold and panicked, Misha nearly running into him.
“Jensen, what the hell-”
Misha was cut off by a thud, the sound of something, or someone falling. Jensen didn’t say a word, didn’t have time, just bolted in the direction of the noise, Misha right behind him.
“JARED!” The sight of Jared brought Jensen all the way up and then crashing back down again, bile rising in his throat when he saw that Jared was lying there lifeless, eyes closed, covered in blood. “No, no, no, no, no,” he murmured over and over, dropping to his knees next to his friend, his brother, checking for a pulse and nearly sobbing with relief when he found one.
“Oh my God.”
Misha. Jensen had almost forgotten that he was there. He turned to Misha, ordering him to call 911 before turning back to Jared. For a second, Jensen wasn’t sure what to do, then he pulled his shirt off, balling it up and pressing it against Jared’s right side, hard. There was blood, too much blood, and he had to stop it.
“I’m here,” Jensen said quietly, though he had no idea if Jared could actually hear him. “I’m right here. You’re home, Jared. You’re home.”
****
The story could have been difficult to tell, but while Misha eyed Jensen suspiciously, he told the cops what Jensen had hoped he would, confirming that they’d simply heard a loud noise and ran to investigate it. There was no mention of a White Rabbit or Jensen suddenly leaving him behind to follow one. “What the hell happened back there?” Misha asked when they were alone again.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Jensen answered. “But thank you. Thank you.”
It wasn’t a real answer, but Misha accepted it anyway, and for that, Jensen was grateful.
****
Jared woke slowly, his senses coming back to him one at a time. When he stirred, a hand moved in his, then squeezed and lifted it.
“Jared?”
He knew that voice. He knew that voice. With some effort, he opened his eyes, turning towards the voice. The sight of Gen brought tears to his eyes. He spoke her name over dry lips, and she laughed through happy tears and kissed him, welcoming him home. She knew. He didn’t know how, and he didn’t question it. There was no need to. He was home again, filled with joy, relief, and love.
When he was questioned, Jared simply feigned ignorance. He had no idea what happened to him. He remembered running, stopping to say hi to Jensen and Danneel, and then he woke up in the hospital. He didn’t remember anything else. He repeated it as many times as he had to, until he was regarded doubtfully and given a card with a number to call if anything came back to him.
He recovered slowly in the hospital, with Gen at his side, and eventually Thomas in his lap. He was ecstatic when he found out that he’d only missed a few days compared to the months he’d spent in Wonderland. The time meant everything to him as a husband and a father. It was like a gift, as if so much of the time he’d lost in Wonderland had been given back to him here, a reward for his trials.
When Jensen first stepped into Jared’s hospital room, they looked at each other for a long moment, unsure of what to say. No words could sum up what had happened to them or fully convey their thoughts and feelings. But they were used to communicating with just their facial expressions, and in that moment, Jared could see all of it, everything weighing heavily on Jensen’s shoulders. The battle that Jared had fought physically to get out of Wonderland was nearly equaled by the battle Jensen had fought mentally while he was gone, and Jared’s heart went out to him.
“Come here,” were the only words that Jared used to break the silence, his arms outstretched. The hug said more than either of them were capable of saying, but Jensen was still hesitant when he pulled away.
“You forgive me?”
Jared opened his mouth to respond, and then paused. The look in Jensen’s eyes was guilty, scared. Jared had almost told Jensen that there was nothing to forgive, and while that was true, he remembered those brief, irrational feelings of betrayal when he returned to Haigha’s house after being left at the looking glass. He had to let those feelings go, and saying that there was nothing to forgive wasn’t enough. Jensen had given himself too much hell for that. He needed true forgiveness, even if most of the blame he felt was self-inflicted.
“I forgive you,” Jared said slowly, sincerely, emphasizing the words and watching the weight lift from Jensen’s shoulders. Jensen hugged him again, and Jared knew that the thank yous Jensen bestowed upon him weren’t just for his forgiveness, but for his loyalty, bravery, and sacrifice. When Danneel joined them, Jared forgave her just as quickly, happy to embrace them both. Gen and Thomas were Jared’s sanctuary, but home still wouldn’t be home without the friends he considered family.
Jared didn’t hesitate to tell everyone that he loved them, his family in Texas, his family in Vancouver, his Supernatural family, and anyone else who was close to him. He was deeply touched by all of their efforts to see him safely returned and his eyes widened in awe when Misha showed him all of the replies to his tweets. He was no longer afraid of what he’d done in Wonderland affecting him here, all of it feeling light-years away now. His journey had been cruel and terrifying. But in the end, he’d he was able to walk away from it with pride and a smile. And in the end, Haigha had been right. His world was a beautiful place.
Masterpost
They retraced many of their steps that morning, poring over the territory they had in the dark the night before. Jensen once again felt incredibly grateful and guilty for the turnout. Together with local police, he’d split everybody up into pairs for the search. Misha walked with him, mostly silent until they broke for lunch, sitting in the woods, backs up against the trees while they ate sandwiches they’d brought with them. Jensen felt the guilt weigh on him even more when Misha pulled out his phone, concentrating on it more than eating, scrolling endlessly. Misha, along with many others, had tweeted the night before, asking everyone to please pray, or do whatever it is that they do, for Jared’s safe return. He’d also asked that anybody with any information at all please go to the police or speak up somehow. Realistically, Twitter replies wouldn’t be much helpful as far as actual information on Jared’s case, but that didn’t stop Misha from looking.
“You can’t read them all, Mish,” Jensen said sympathetically, nodding towards Misha’s other hand. “You should finish eating.”
Misha sighed, shoulders slumping. “I know I can’t read them all, but I’m…I’m trying.”
Jensen snorted. “Boy, he’d love to hear that. I’m surprised you’re even out here.” It was the wrong thing to say, and Jensen knew it; a bad joke at a bad time. But Jensen couldn’t sort his own feelings out enough to keep track of anyone else’s. He looked away when Misha looked up at him. It occurred to him that it might’ve been the first time he’d ever seen Misha genuinely angry.
“He’s missing, Jensen.” Misha shook his head and shoved his phone back into his pocket. “Why are you taking a joke between us more seriously than this search? I mean, he’s my friend, too, as much as we playfully bully each other.” That last bit was sarcastic, and Misha glared at Jensen a little. “But you’re the one who calls him your brother.”
That cut deep. If he only knew that I left Jared behind, Jensen thought. “I am taking this seriously.” His mouth felt dry as he lied through it.
“But you’re not,” Misha insisted, frowning at the uneaten half of sandwich in his hand and packing it away for later. “Have you seen the rest of us? The way we’re looking? Fuck, I’ve kicked over tiny piles of leaves, as if he could be hiding under them, all 6’4 of him, or maybe find some sort of fucking clue. Everybody else is meticulous about this, except for you. You just keep walking, eyes up.” He leaned forward, and Jensen tensed, feeling the pressure building. “And I don’t know you as well as Jared does, but I still know enough to know when you’re acting. Maybe nobody else does, but we’ve been in enough scenes together, I know how it goes. Do you know something? Something that the rest of us don’t?”
Jensen bristled. This was getting too close to the truth; the truth that nobody would believe. His jaw clenched, and his did his best to lock eyes with Misha. “If I knew something about what happened to Jared, why wouldn’t I tell someone about it? Why wouldn’t I help him?”
Misha stood, ready to move on. “That’s what I’d like to know.” He started walking, and Jensen cursed, having to get up and walk after him.
“I don’t know anything,” he said, then wondered if it sounded desperate. “I just don’t know what to do.” His voice broke then, and he must’ve sounded as lost as he felt, because Misha stopped and turned to look at him, his eyes a bit softer this time. “I was right there, you know?” Jensen continued, saying what he felt without revealing the truth. “We were both there, I saw him, I talked to him, and now he’s gone. The guy who’s been practically glued to my hip for eight years, and I couldn’t help him. I’ve had his back and protected him from everything I possibly could all this time, and now…” Jensen paused to take a breath, almost afraid he was having a panic attack. “He’s my little brother, and I don’t know what the hell could be happening to him right now.” He wheezed a little, then closed his eyes, hand to his chest, fighting to take back control. He felt Misha’s hand on his shoulder, and he calmed down some, opening his eyes and looking back at Misha. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not really in this. It’s just taking a lot to fucking keep it together right now, and I can’t do this in front of all the people we have out here with us. I’m just trying to…feel normal still. For them. If I panic, then everyone loses hope, and I can’t do that to them, I just can’t.”
“Okay.” Misha pushed a hand through his hair, then over his face. “Fuck. Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get pissed off at you. I guess we’re all a little stressed. I’m sorry,” he said, more sincerely. “Are you okay?”
Jensen scoffed. “Not by a longshot. But that doesn’t matter right now, does it?”
****
More walking, more stopping, and more sleeping in the grass was making Jared weary, as well as his companions. It was better walking, though, now that they could keep to the road, and it was a much different journey with the weight of being hunted lifted from Jared’s shoulders.
“So, explain this to me again,” Jared said, elbowing Jefferson. Haigha playfully rolled his eyes at Jared, but Jared had his reasons for making Jefferson tell the story over and over again. Jefferson may have saved them, but he was still mad, and Jared still wasn’t sure if he could fully trust him. He wanted to make sure that Jefferson’s story stayed the same each time, that the facts didn’t stray from previous versions. To his credit, Jefferson answered patiently every time:
“I stumbled upon it ages ago. I was chasing after the White Rabbit, and I just happened, once, to be quick enough to catch him hurrying into a burrow. It’s the only one I’ve ever seen him go into. I was curious enough that I shrank myself with a bit of mushroom and followed him in. The burrow was at the bottom of a hill, almost a mountain, really, nearly vertical, with the top far from view. I went inside, and realized that the burrow was a tunnel running straight up the mountain. It was mostly too dark to see. I left and came back with some provisions, not knowing how long it would take me to scale it. I also brought candles and matches which proved to be challenge.
“It’s a difficult climb, to say the least, but there are other, smaller tunnels that branch off from it, and I’d sit in those to rest, otherwise I’d slide right down to the bottom, which could also be dangerous. Not just because of the fall, but because some of the sticks and stones around the edges can slice you right open. But I did it. I reached the end, I saw a light, and I stepped out…into your world.
“It was a secret I kept to myself, visiting from time to time, everything new and exciting. I met people, talked to them. I’d bring back trinkets, souvenirs, things I also kept to myself. But, somehow, with her magic, the Queen knew. She always knew. I knew some magic, too, and I could feel the magic stepping through the end of that tunnel. I could sense it, feel it working over me.
“The Queen never went through herself. Can you imagine her shrinking herself down and making the climb? But one world wasn’t enough, she told me. She’d already found the spell, but thought it was the ravings of a madman, nothing to be believed. But once she knew I’d visited another world, she told me if I’d found one, there must be more. She told me as she made me take a walk with her through the forest. She knew it well, and she was too powerful to get lost in it.
“She told me I had to find more worlds for her. I had to create ways to get to them. She told me why, and I was horrified. I still had my heart, at the time. She didn’t even bother trying to convince me, just pulled my heart out of my chest and left me in the forest to ‘think about it’. I…I went mad. But I did it. I thought about my own magic, about the kind of magic I felt in that tunnel, and somehow it clicked. The Queen knew when it did and came to me. She pulled me out of the forest, and that’s when I made the hat and the looking glass. I made it with rules, because the Queen didn’t want it to be a free portal. It needed to have consequences, though most people here had no desire to leave, anyway. I was more curious than others…”
Jared immediately felt stupid when he heard it the first time. The White Rabbit was a prominent figure in the tale from his own world. The White Rabbit led Alice to Wonderland in the first place. But, while certain things were similar in the real Wonderland, not all of it was, so it hadn’t seemed quite so obvious. And when Jared asked about Alice, Jefferson laughed and said he’d made up the story while drunkenly explaining who he was and where he was from during one of his visits to Jared’s world. It was, of course, embellished upon when it was published by someone else years later.
“Here we are,” Jefferson said abruptly, walking to the edge of the road where the grass stretched high up above them on a steep incline. Jared looked up in awe, wondering how this thing came to be. Jefferson pushed some of the grass aside with his foot, and Jared saw the entrance to the tunnel, so neatly hidden. “You’ll need some things.” Wordlessly, Jefferson reached into his pockets, handing Jared pieces of mushroom. “Left, little,” he said, helping Jared to remember which was which as Jared shoved them into his own pockets. Reaching inside his coat, Jefferson pulled out a flashlight. “And this is much better than candles.”
Jared laughed, taking the flashlight into his hands. “Thank you. Really. This is…” He stepped back, taking a deep breath, feeling a little lightheaded and giddy. He looked at Jefferson, at Haigha, laughing. “I’m going home!”
“You are,” Haigha said, removing his backpack. “At long last.” Jared still had plenty of food left from the townsfolk, food that would keep, but Haigha removed some from his own stores just the same. “You take this for the last part of your journey.”
“No…” Jared shook his head, suddenly feeling a mix of emotions. They were nearly the same as when he thought he was leaving through the looking glass, but more intense now that he’d spent so much more time with Haigha. “You two still have to travel back, and I’m fine, really.”
“Take it,” Haigha insisted, moving around to Jared’s back and shoving it into Jared’s backpack himself. “I won’t have you getting hurt or coming back to me again.” Jared turned to him, feeling a slight lump in his throat, and Haigha just smiled at him, even if it was through a bit of sadness. “Go home. Be with your family.”
Jared wrapped Haigha up in a tight hug, wishing he could think of something decent to say. “Haigha, you’ve been…” He pulled away, and Haigha left a paw on his shoulder, regarding him with teary eyes. “I don’t even know what to say. I wish there was some way I could repay you for everything you’ve done. I can’t thank you enough.”
Haigha squeezed his shoulder before letting it go. “It was all my pleasure.”
“Hey, promise me something,” Jared said, the thought just coming to mind. “Now that you’re one of the heroes of Wonderland, and there’s no more evil, and you’ve made some friends here? Stay with them. Don’t be alone, just…be happy.”
“I will do that,” Haigha promised, and Jared hugged him once more. He then turned and pulled Jefferson into a hug, startling the man.
“We’ve definitely had our differences,” Jared said, patting Jefferson on the back and stepping away. “But I understand now. And you’ve paid your debts with more than anyone could ever ask for. You saved your world from the Jabberwock, and you saved me. You sent me home. I’ll never forget that.”
Jefferson, who looked scared and confused throughout the hug and Jared’s speech, suddenly broke into a smile that seemed genuine and normal, not mad at all.
“I guess this is it,” Jared said after a pause. He took a deep breath, feeling excited and scared at the same time, knowing this wouldn’t exactly be easy. He pulled the bit of mushroom from his left pocket and ate it, falling forward when he suddenly shrank to the size of a small rabbit. His clothes were enormous, and the backpack loomed behind him, huge. Jared felt dismayed at the sight of it all until Jefferson leaned over it and spoke some foreign words, shrinking everything down to Jared’s size. He did the same with the flashlight, which had rolled to Jared’s side. Jared’s breath whooshed out in relief, and he looked up and up at Jefferson, laughing and shouting his thanks. He hoisted the backpack onto his shoulders, grabbed the flashlight, and turned towards the tunnel, towards darkness, then took his first steps towards home.
****
Another day of not finding Jared left Jensen feeling hollow. He’d promised everyone that they’d try again the next day, that they’d keep trying for as long as it took, because that’s what he probably would say if he didn’t already know the truth. For the first time in a long time, Jensen sat on the edge of his bed and cried, head in his hands. It was all too much, the pressure and the guilt. There were too many thoughts racing through his head, too many emotions. They all had to do with leaving Jared behind, with having to live a lie, to be a leader, to still be a husband and eventually a father. How could he pull all of this off, and for how long?
“Jensen?” He hadn’t even heard Danneel come in, but she was there now, wrapping her arms around him. Her fingers pushed through his hair, and he leaned into her, trying to stop the tears, the shaking of his shoulders, but that only made it worse. He gave in and let her soothe him, eventually calming down to the feel and scent of her, grateful for it.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized when it was over, his voice wrecked.
“Don’t be.”
“I can’t keep this up forever,” he admitted, feeling weak even as he said it.
“I know.”
There was no blind encouragement, no talk of how it would somehow all work out, and Jensen was also grateful for that. They didn’t need to talk about it. If anything, talking about it might only make it worse. He knew that thinking about it made it worse. He could tell himself that the search wouldn’t last forever, and that things would be easier then, but that would also mean he’d fully given up on Jared, even if the search was a farce. There was nothing good to say. He took a deep breath against her, and she pushed him back on the bed, undressing him and herself, then curling up in bed with him.
“Just rest,” she whispered, and he pulled her into his arms, breathing her in. “Take one day at a time. That’s all we can do. Sometimes it’s better to not think ahead.”
He kissed Danneel’s forehead and closed his eyes, doing his best to keep breathing and repeating her words over and over again in his head, eventually drifting off to sleep.
****
Jared found that it was easiest to hook the flashlight into one of the backpack’s straps as he climbed. When he first started, he barely even thought about the climb itself or the work his body was putting into it, but it was a bit discouraging when he did start to feel it. It was so dark, and there was no way of knowing at this point how far along he’d gone. He realized he needed to pay more attention and be more careful, the sharp stones just as dangerous as Jefferson had said. He considered pushing himself to the limit, then realized it would be much wiser to quit when he was ahead, so he’d have more strength after resting.
At the next branch turning off of the main tunnel, he stopped, moving to his right and sitting just inside the entrance. It felt good to pause, and he pulled off his backpack to open it, drinking plenty of water and taking in a small meal. It was so quiet, so dark, and so lonely, but Jared was more focused than afraid. With a full stomach, he switched off his flashlight and slept, dreaming of reaching the top. Nothing could stop him now.
Jared couldn’t judge the passing of time by the light and dark of day and night, but Jefferson was right about the trip taking days; grueling, careful, tiring days. It felt like years, and when he thought he caught a glimpse of light, real light, his heart leapt. He switched the flashlight off, just to be sure, and while it was just a pinprick, it was there. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry as he kept climbing, the hole above him growing larger and brighter. Though he was bone-tired, he started moving faster, eager to reach Wonderland’s only true exit.
Too eager, he realized too late, losing his footing and then his grip. “NO!” he screamed, his heart dropping as he scrambled to get a hold of something, anything. He didn’t fall far, but how he managed to grab a hold and keep it was a miracle as he screamed again, this time in pain. It could have been anything, stick or stone, that tore a gash into his side. Jared clung desperately, temporarily blinded by the injury, trying to regain his balance, his breath, some sort of clarity.
"No,” he repeated, breathless this time. He’d come too far. He could see it, just as easily as he could feel the blood spilling from his side, warm and sticky. Tears spilled from his eyes. He couldn’t come this close to home and then lose. Gathering his strength, he urged himself on, crying out as he forced himself to fight and climb through the pain. It being too much of a burden now, he tossed the backpack and flashlight off, sending them crashing back down the way he came.
He reached the edge, his hand reaching out and gripping grass. With one final pull, he was out, out of Wonderland and on solid, horizontal ground, back in his own world. But he was growing dizzy, lightheaded, tired. He pressed a hand to his side. Blood. Too much blood. Struggling to his feet, he reached into his right pocket and found the last step of his journey, the little bit of mushroom that he slipped between his lips. His mouth felt so dry, and he forced himself to chew, to choke it down, the shock of growing back to his usual size sending him back down to the ground.
Jared fought and fought to stay awake, but his eyes slipped closed before he could stop them, plunging him into darkness.
****
Jensen walked with Misha again on the third day of the search, the two of them mostly walking in silence. They walked until something caught Jensen’s eye, and he stopped cold, wondering if it was real. “Do you see that?” he whispered, and Misha stepped up next to him, looking in the same direction.
“What?”
“The White Rabbit.”
“What?”
Jensen didn’t have time to deal with Misha’s confusion. The Rabbit started hopping away, and Jensen took off after it, Misha shouting his name and stumbling after him. He ran, trying not to get his hopes up, trying to keep calm, wondering how the animal hadn’t occurred to him before, though he didn’t know how he ever would have found it. He wondered how long it had been there, if he’d missed it when he hadn’t really been looking, as Misha pointed out. He followed the Rabbit, seeing that it was plainly leading him now, and he wondered if he was too late…
Then the Rabbit disappeared in the brush, and Jensen stopped cold and panicked, Misha nearly running into him.
“Jensen, what the hell-”
Misha was cut off by a thud, the sound of something, or someone falling. Jensen didn’t say a word, didn’t have time, just bolted in the direction of the noise, Misha right behind him.
“JARED!” The sight of Jared brought Jensen all the way up and then crashing back down again, bile rising in his throat when he saw that Jared was lying there lifeless, eyes closed, covered in blood. “No, no, no, no, no,” he murmured over and over, dropping to his knees next to his friend, his brother, checking for a pulse and nearly sobbing with relief when he found one.
“Oh my God.”
Misha. Jensen had almost forgotten that he was there. He turned to Misha, ordering him to call 911 before turning back to Jared. For a second, Jensen wasn’t sure what to do, then he pulled his shirt off, balling it up and pressing it against Jared’s right side, hard. There was blood, too much blood, and he had to stop it.
“I’m here,” Jensen said quietly, though he had no idea if Jared could actually hear him. “I’m right here. You’re home, Jared. You’re home.”
****
The story could have been difficult to tell, but while Misha eyed Jensen suspiciously, he told the cops what Jensen had hoped he would, confirming that they’d simply heard a loud noise and ran to investigate it. There was no mention of a White Rabbit or Jensen suddenly leaving him behind to follow one. “What the hell happened back there?” Misha asked when they were alone again.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Jensen answered. “But thank you. Thank you.”
It wasn’t a real answer, but Misha accepted it anyway, and for that, Jensen was grateful.
****
Jared woke slowly, his senses coming back to him one at a time. When he stirred, a hand moved in his, then squeezed and lifted it.
“Jared?”
He knew that voice. He knew that voice. With some effort, he opened his eyes, turning towards the voice. The sight of Gen brought tears to his eyes. He spoke her name over dry lips, and she laughed through happy tears and kissed him, welcoming him home. She knew. He didn’t know how, and he didn’t question it. There was no need to. He was home again, filled with joy, relief, and love.
When he was questioned, Jared simply feigned ignorance. He had no idea what happened to him. He remembered running, stopping to say hi to Jensen and Danneel, and then he woke up in the hospital. He didn’t remember anything else. He repeated it as many times as he had to, until he was regarded doubtfully and given a card with a number to call if anything came back to him.
He recovered slowly in the hospital, with Gen at his side, and eventually Thomas in his lap. He was ecstatic when he found out that he’d only missed a few days compared to the months he’d spent in Wonderland. The time meant everything to him as a husband and a father. It was like a gift, as if so much of the time he’d lost in Wonderland had been given back to him here, a reward for his trials.
When Jensen first stepped into Jared’s hospital room, they looked at each other for a long moment, unsure of what to say. No words could sum up what had happened to them or fully convey their thoughts and feelings. But they were used to communicating with just their facial expressions, and in that moment, Jared could see all of it, everything weighing heavily on Jensen’s shoulders. The battle that Jared had fought physically to get out of Wonderland was nearly equaled by the battle Jensen had fought mentally while he was gone, and Jared’s heart went out to him.
“Come here,” were the only words that Jared used to break the silence, his arms outstretched. The hug said more than either of them were capable of saying, but Jensen was still hesitant when he pulled away.
“You forgive me?”
Jared opened his mouth to respond, and then paused. The look in Jensen’s eyes was guilty, scared. Jared had almost told Jensen that there was nothing to forgive, and while that was true, he remembered those brief, irrational feelings of betrayal when he returned to Haigha’s house after being left at the looking glass. He had to let those feelings go, and saying that there was nothing to forgive wasn’t enough. Jensen had given himself too much hell for that. He needed true forgiveness, even if most of the blame he felt was self-inflicted.
“I forgive you,” Jared said slowly, sincerely, emphasizing the words and watching the weight lift from Jensen’s shoulders. Jensen hugged him again, and Jared knew that the thank yous Jensen bestowed upon him weren’t just for his forgiveness, but for his loyalty, bravery, and sacrifice. When Danneel joined them, Jared forgave her just as quickly, happy to embrace them both. Gen and Thomas were Jared’s sanctuary, but home still wouldn’t be home without the friends he considered family.
Jared didn’t hesitate to tell everyone that he loved them, his family in Texas, his family in Vancouver, his Supernatural family, and anyone else who was close to him. He was deeply touched by all of their efforts to see him safely returned and his eyes widened in awe when Misha showed him all of the replies to his tweets. He was no longer afraid of what he’d done in Wonderland affecting him here, all of it feeling light-years away now. His journey had been cruel and terrifying. But in the end, he’d he was able to walk away from it with pride and a smile. And in the end, Haigha had been right. His world was a beautiful place.
Masterpost