Disintegration 4/7?
Story: Disintegration
Author: WMR
Characters: Ten, Rose, Nine, Jackie Tyler, Sarah-Jane Smith, more to come
Rated: PG (may increase)
Spoilers: All the way to Age of Steel
Summary: “You know this is goodbye, right? No visits. I don’t do that. If you leave now, Rose, this is it.”
With very many thanks to my wonderful BR,
dark_aegis
Chapter 1: Selfish
Chapter 2: Letting Go
Chapter 3: Temptations
Chapter 4: Ghost of the Past
Rose Tyler.
It was her, all right.
He’d seen her a couple of minutes ago as he’d been walking past. Her blonde hair had attracted his attention, as had something in the way she’d moved to turn the page of her newspaper. But then, Rose would always attract his attention.
It wasn’t his Rose, of course. She was safely back in 2006, with her mum. This was an older Rose - probably even the right age to be in this year, which meant one of two things. Either he’d taken her home for a visit... or she wasn’t travelling with him any more.
Something told him it was more likely the latter. After all, if he’d taken her back for a visit she’d be with her mum. If she’d gone somewhere else on a visit home, then he’d be with her. Wouldn’t he?
Whichever it was, this was a future-Rose. Which meant that he couldn’t afford to let her see him. Bad idea. Very bad idea.
And yet he couldn’t bring himself to walk on past. Couldn’t miss the opportunity to see how Rose would look in a few years’ time. Fully grown to womanhood, as opposed to being on the verge of it.
Bad idea. Because suddenly she was looking around. Staring right at him.
He ducked out of sight, but he obviously hadn’t been fast enough, because he saw her eyes widen. Shock and disbelief chased each other across her face.
And then she was calling to him, a note of anguish in her voice that tore at his hearts. And she was running out into the road, risking her life, the stupid ape, to get to him.
Well, hell.
Looking quickly from side to side, he ran out, dodging traffic, and got to her, grabbing her arm and steering her safely back to her side of the road.
Once there, he let go of her and stood, studying her. That was when he noticed it. The way she was looking at him. The paleness of her expression. Her wide, shocked eyes. The moisture in those eyes.
He frowned, eyes narrowing. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Her answer chilled him to the bone. “Yeah. I’m lookin’ at one.” And the choke in her voice as she finished made his hearts wrench. “You, Doctor.”
***
It was him.
Oh, god, it was really him. Her Doctor. Her first Doctor. Alive. And standing right in front of her. Close enough to touch.
Tears pricked at her eyes. God. She hadn’t cried over the Doctor in months. But then she’d never expected to see this Doctor again. And the last time she’d seen him he’d died right in front of her.
“Rose?” He was frowning at her. And the way he said her name... it brought back so many memories. Wonderful memories. Painful memories.
Her Doctor. Her first Doctor. The man - the alien - she’d loved so much. Who she’d almost died for. The Doctor she’d always wanted to just hold in her arms for ever and take his pain away. The Doctor who’d always been able to comfort her with just one touch, whose grin could make everything right with her world. The Doctor who’d first introduced her to the universe and time-travel.
The Doctor she’d first fallen in love with, before she’d fallen just as hard for his next regeneration.
A choked sob escaped her. “You died, Doctor.”
A look of enlightenment - an expression she remembered so well - crossed his face. “Ah.”
She clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh, god. I shouldn’t’ve told you that, should I?”
He tensed. “No. You shouldn’t.” Then he relaxed, and gave her that smile she remembered so well, too. “But you have, and we’ll just forget about it for now.”
Forget about it? How could he do that?
And if he was dead, how could he be here?
But of course. Time travel. This was some time while he was still alive. Some time while she was travelling with him.
“But, yeah, we shouldn’t be having this conversation,” he continued. “Really, I should just walk away now an’ forget we’ve met.”
Oh, please, no...
She wouldn’t cling. Wouldn’t plead with him to stay.
And then his face creased into another smile. “But sod what I should do.”
As she kept staring at him, still feeling that she should be pinching herself, he held out his arms. And, with an inarticulate cry, she launched herself at him. He enfolded her in his embrace, his so-familiar embrace.
He was the same. Exactly the same as she remembered. The scratchy wool of his jumper against her cheek. The smooth leather of his jacket. His arms tight around her. His very short hair against her own. The way they fit together, her head tucked into the hollow of his shoulder, his head against hers. The subtle male, Time Lord scent of him.
“Oh, god, Doctor...” And now the tears were coming properly. She tried to hide them, keeping her face buried against him, but he wouldn’t let her. His embrace loosened and he held her back from him.
“Don’t cry for me, Rose.” He freed one hand and, with his thumb, brushed her tears away. “Don’t. I’m not worth it. Never was, me.” And his smile was gentle, caring. Just as she remembered it.
“You are. You always were.” She caught his hand and clung to it.
“Rose.”
Oh, how many times had she heard him say her name in her head just like that? And how often had she wished for the chance to hear him say it again in reality, just once?
And here he was. Really here.
He released her and gestured behind her, and she glanced back, then saw the table she’d been sitting at until a couple of minutes ago. Taking up his suggestion, she resumed her seat. He walked around and dropped into the chair opposite her.
“So,” he said, one eyebrow raised, “you saw me through a regeneration? Must’ve been a shock, I’m guessing.”
She nodded, trying to regain her composure now. “Yeah. Was that, all right. Specially as I didn’t remember anything about what happened before it. Think I’d fainted or something. Then I came round and next thing you were goin’ on about dogs - ” She halted abruptly. “Sorry. Forgot. Shouldn’t be tellin’ you any of this stuff.”
“No.” He looked slightly uncomfortable. “So let’s talk about somethin’ else.”
“Yeah.” She took a deep breath. “What’re you doing here? And...” She looked around, worried suddenly, as a thought occurred to her. “Where am I?”
He grinned. “Nothin’ to worry about there, I promise. You’re safely back in 2006, visitin’ your mum. I left you there an’ said I’d be back in a few hours.”
Right. Of course, he’d never come in with her if he could avoid it. She wondered how he’d react if she told him that the regenerated him had actually had Christmas dinner with her mum and had wandered in and out of the flat as if it was a second home whenever they’d been in London. And that he’d hugged her mum several times. She stifled a grin. He’d probably pass out.
Then she focused on what he’d said. “Oh? You jus’ got back from Corralus Major, then?” She remembered that. Another place he’d taken her to because he’d said she’d love it. A beautiful and fascinating planet, with really friendly inhabitants, he’d told her. Yeah. It would’ve been beautiful, before the asteroid collision that’d destroyed most of the surface of one side of the planet, and before the space raiders who’d arrived looking for any scrap they could salvage. The remaining inhabitants had been struggling to rebuild their battered, devastated planet and had been suspicious as hell of any strangers.
As usual, she and the Doctor had ended up running for their lives.
He had the grace to look a little sheepish. “Yeah, we ‘ave. You remember that?”
“Vividly.” She grinned at him.
And he laughed too. “Remember getting your hair caught on that bush?”
“Oh, god, yeah!” It’d hurt like hell. She’d been running, and suddenly it’d felt as if half her hair was being ripped out by the roots. A stupid thorn-bush. A stupid, vicious thorn-bush. She’d sworn the thing had done it deliberately. He’d laughed at her, telling her she was imagining it, before very gently and carefully disentangling her, then hugging her because she’d been near to tears with pain.
And, yes, he’d taken her home for a visit after that. Not because she was upset or anything, but because she’d realised she hadn’t been home for a while and thought she probably should drop in. Strange. It’d never occurred to her to wonder what the Doctor’d done while she’d been there.
He’d never told her that he’d met a future her. But then, he wouldn’t. That was the Doctor all over. He knew so much: about the past, the present and the future; about everything that could be and might never be. And he only ever told people what he thought they needed to know, when they needed to know it.
It’d infuriated her at times, of course. But it was just the way he was. A Time Lord thing, presumably. He did have to be careful to avoid changing history accidentally - just as she was having to avoid, now, telling him too much about his own future.
Still, though, did he remember? Had he known, all the time they were together, that she would meet him here, today, years after she’d left him?
“So, what’re you doing here? In 2013?”
He smiled ruefully. “Remember Adam?”
“Oh, yeah.” She rolled her eyes. “What a moron.”
“Yeah.” His expression was scathing. “We dumped him a couple of weeks ago. Occurred to me I really should check, make sure nothin’ happened to change history. I mean, he’s got that communication device in his head. Could be dangerous, that. So...” He shrugged faintly. “Went to a few points in time over the next few decades. Makin’ sure. Was workin’ backwards, so this is my last check.”
“Right.” She nodded. “I did wonder, y’know, whether sendin’ ‘im back like that was dangerous.”
“Should’ve said it to me at the time.” His tone was very faintly chiding, though she knew he was blaming himself more than her.
“Didn’t think of it then. This is seven years later for me, remember.”
“Right. Course.” He nodded, and his expression turned distant. She sensed that he wanted to ask her about those seven years, but was reluctant.
And she was torn. There was so much she wanted to ask him. So many questions she had about him, but how could she ask without giving away things he couldn’t know about? Shouldn’t know?
Oh, god, things he didn’t know...
In a while, he was going to go back to 2006 and pick her up. The past her. And they’d go travelling again, and in a few days’ time she was going to ask him to do something for her. A favour. And she was going to take the human race to the brink of extinction, and kill him.
He must have been so disappointed in her. So angry - well, she knew how angry he’d been at the time. But afterwards, too. Only a few weeks before that, he’d called her the best. And then she’d done that.
Not the best at all. Far from it.
She couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t ask him to say no to any favour the younger her might ask in the next week or so. Because time just didn’t work out like that; that was something he, in both his incarnations, had taught her.
But maybe there was something she could say, something that wouldn’t give too much away...
“Doctor...” Hesitantly, she began. He nodded encouragingly at her. “You know that people make mistakes, right? And they don’t mean to, an’ they’re sorry afterwards?”
“What’s this about?” He frowned. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to get me to forgive that moron Adam?”
“Oh!” She shook her head. “No. You were right to dump him at home. No, I meant - ” But she halted. She couldn’t be any more specific. Couldn’t even hint at it. It was too dangerous.
His eyes narrowed. And then he relaxed. Smiled, even. “You trying to tell me that you made a mistake, Rose?”
She nodded. Should have known that he’d pick up on what she meant.
“I’m sure you did. It happens. Like you said, people do.” He gave her a straight, serious look. “You’ve seen me make mistakes plenty of times.”
“Yeah, but this is different. This - ” She couldn’t say any more without giving away too much. She’d probably already given away too much.
He studied her for a few moments. “Tell me this, Rose Tyler. Did I throw you out after whatever it was you did? Or did I forgive you?”
Quietly, she said, “You forgave me.”
His smile warmed her. “Then I’ve got nothin’ to worry about, do I? An’ nor do you.”
He was right. He had forgiven her. Because, as he’d told her afterwards, he’d been wrong the first time, when he’d accused her of planning it. And because she’d taken responsibility for what she’d done and said she was sorry.
“Thanks, Doctor.” She smiled back at him, and he reached across the table, covering her hand with his.
***
His first impression hadn’t been wrong. She was unhappy about something. And it wasn’t just seeing him again knowing that he’d died.
Although she was doing her best to hide it, there was something wrong. Something involving him. What he wasn’t sure yet was whether it involved him or his next regeneration.
What he did know was that it wasn’t something he should even consider asking her about. Too dangerous. And yet she’d already told him several things he shouldn’t know about: that he died; that she did something very foolish, for which he would probably be angry with her and that she was ashamed of; and that she wasn’t with him any more. Though that last was a guess rather than anything she’d told him.
Already, he was going to have to make sure he forgot all about this encounter. So what did it matter if he let her tell him more about his future and her past?
Because there was one thing he did know: Rose was unhappy, and it had something to do with him.
“So.” He leaned across the table, catching and holding her gaze, and squeezed her hand again. “You’re not travelling with me any more?”
She looked taken aback. “How’d you know that?”
“Lucky guess.” He grinned at her. Not so lucky, of course. She just had no idea how obvious she’d made it.
“Oh. Right.” And her gaze slid away.
Ah. Well, that just confirmed it. Whatever the problem was, there was no doubt that he had something to do with it. Probably all wrapped up with why she wasn’t with him any more.
His brow creased as a thought occurred to him. Had his successor just dumped her off at home? Left her behind?
It wouldn’t be anything new, of course. He’d done it to companions before, left them behind or sent them away from him before they were ready to leave. Sometimes because he thought they were ready to leave, but more often because he concluded it was the best or safest thing for them.
Had he ever thought about what the impact would be on them afterwards?
Probably not. He’d just assumed that he knew best and left it at that. Said goodbye and left them to get on with their lives. And, of course, he never came back. Never dropped in to see how they were. No human rituals like exchanging Christmas cards or the occasional phone call.
“What happened?” he asked. “Did I send you away?”
If he hadn’t been watching her so carefully, he’d have missed her flinch.
Sensitive topic. Ah. So he had.
Then she met his gaze again. “Is that what you always do, Doctor? Leave people behind?”
His eyes widened. That’d been intended to attack. To wound. And so the future him had dumped her.
Well, damnit anyway. What had he been thinking? And what the hell had happened to make him do it?
“That what I did to you?” He withdrew his hand.
She sighed and looked away. “No. But I met someone you did do it to.”
Ah. Somehow, she ran into a former companion. Well, probably not that difficult to do. There were quite a few around, of course. Again, he shouldn’t ask. Wasn’t as if he even wanted to know. “Who?”
Her eyes flashed with something like anger. “Sarah-Jane.”
What? “Sarah-Jane Smith?”
She’d met Sarah-Jane?
“Yeah.”
“When’d you meet her?” Recently? How old would Sarah be now? Or had Rose somehow met her in the past? No... that would mean he would’ve taken her there, and he wouldn’t do that.
Rose shrugged. “First time was six years ago. I was still travellin’ with you at the time. She turned up - ” Abruptly, she broke off. “Shouldn’t be tellin’ you this. Jus’ take it that we - you an’ me - met her. An’ I found out that you just left her. An’ you know you never even mentioned her to me. Or anyone else you travelled with, for that matter.”
It was his turn to look away. “I don’t do that.”
“Right.” Now her tone was scathing. “Because it’s too human, right? Cause it means you might actually have to care about someone.”
Shocked, he stared at her. “I do care about people!” He cared about her. And if somehow the later him had given her the impression that he didn’t... Well, he’d just have to correct it.
“Yeah, but only for as long as they’re around. Then they go an’ you never mention them again. Out of sight, out of mind.”
So bitter. So hurt. Oh, Rose.
“No. Never.” He shook his head. “I remember them, Rose. All of them. And just cause they’re not with me any more doesn’t mean I stop caring ‘bout them.”
She swallowed then and shook her head slightly. “You told me - the later you. You said... you said we - humans - wither and die. An’ you just regenerate an’ live on alone. An’ that’s why you walk away. That’s why you leave us behind.”
Why on earth had he said that to her? Oh, of course, it was true. That was exactly why he never went back once he’d left someone. Or they’d left him. Because it was too hard. And not only for him - for them, too. Because they would have moved on with their lives, and they certainly wouldn’t want him turning up like a ghost at the feast.
But he hadn’t had to tell Rose that he never made contact with past companions, surely?
The fact was that his next self had. So he supposed he had no choice but to try to repair the damage his tenth incarnation had caused.
“Yeah, ‘s why I don’t ever go back once someone’s stopped travellin’ with me, yeah. Rose, you know how old I am. An’ now you know about regeneration you know it’s not easy to kill me. But, anyway, think about it. Leave aside time travel an’ the way I can be in 2006 two hours ago with nineteen-year-old you, and in 2013 with you now. Say I came back to visit you every year or so for the rest of your life. You’d get older. Unless I regenerated, I’d look more or less the same. Apart from the question of how you could explain that to anyone, how would that make you feel? And how d’you think it’d make me feel seein’ you get old an’ die like that when I’m just the same?”
She shrugged again. “I get that, Doctor. I’m not stupid. But you could at least be kinder when you get rid of people.”
What had the future him done to her? “Rose, what happened to you?”
She shook her head. “Not me. Sarah-Jane.”
“What?” This conversation was taking a bizarre turn.
“You mean you don’t even remember?” She looked horrified. “You dumped her. Told her you were goin’ home - back to your planet - an’ she couldn’t come.”
“She couldn’t!” he protested. “Humans weren’t allowed - ”
“Yeah. An’ what’d you do? Took her home. Never told her you weren’t coming back for her. She was just left. Waiting for you. An’ you never came.”
He could only stare at Rose. Sarah’d really thought he’d come back? But he thought she’d understood it was a final farewell. Because... well, because it was time. And because he didn’t do that. Didn’t go back for people.
Well, okay, he’d gone back for Rose after she said no, but that was different. Sort of.
“I thought she understood.” That was all he could manage to say in his own defence.
“You mean you didn’t bother to explain. An’ you know what else?”
“What?”
“You didn’t even take her home. Croydon, right?”
Hating how defensive he sounded, he said, “Yeah. That’s where I took her. Wasn’t it?”
“Try Aberdeen.” Oh, shit.
And then Rose sighed. “God. I’m doin’ it again. I shouldn’t be tellin’ you this stuff ‘bout Sarah. Cause you - the next you’s supposed to find out next year.”
He shrugged. It really didn’t matter. He wouldn’t remember it anyway. “Why’re you so upset about Sarah, anyway? After, what, one meeting?”
It didn’t make that much sense. He wouldn’t have thought, on the surface, that Rose would have that much in common with Sarah-Jane Smith - well, the present-day Sarah, anyway. Under the surface, yes, she reminded him a lot of Sarah. Intelligent, belligerent, inclined to challenge him and stand up to him, and apt to act as his conscience. And also warm, caring and able to get under his skin and make him care about her in a way he never expected to, never wanted to.
She laughed, but without much humour. “Shows what you know, Doctor. She’s been my best friend for the last six years. Don’t think I’d’ve made it through without her. She even helped me get my job.”
Best friends? Sarah and Rose?
Oh, Rassilon... that sent shivers through him. The idea of the two of them, swapping stories about him, comparing notes...
“If you’d been five minutes earlier, you’d’ve seen her,” Rose added. “We were having coffee together before she had to go - she’s interviewing Harriet Jones,” she added with a grin.
He could’ve seen Sarah... He had to squash the sudden leap of his hearts at that idea. Yes, it would’ve been nice, but also hellish. Especially if she did harbour the kind of resentment obvious from what Rose had said.
Besides, he didn’t do that. Didn’t go back. Didn’t revisit the past.
He shook his head. “Best not. But, when you see her, tell her...” He winced. Tell her what? That he was sorry? That he missed her? That he’d never forgotten her? Would any of those help? Or would they just add insult to injury? He sighed. “No. Don’t tell her anything. Maybe ‘s best if you don’t even tell her you’ve seen me.”
Rose nodded. And then he remembered what else she’d said.
She’s been my best friend for the last six years. Don’t think I’d’ve made it through without her.
Six years. She’d been back home for that long? That meant she’d left him about a year from now in his timeline. And... made it through? Made it through what?
“Rose.” Grimly, he held her gaze, his voice almost harsh in its intensity. “Tell me. Why did you stop travelling with me?”
***
tbc
Author: WMR
Characters: Ten, Rose, Nine, Jackie Tyler, Sarah-Jane Smith, more to come
Rated: PG (may increase)
Spoilers: All the way to Age of Steel
Summary: “You know this is goodbye, right? No visits. I don’t do that. If you leave now, Rose, this is it.”
With very many thanks to my wonderful BR,
dark_aegis
Chapter 1: Selfish
Chapter 2: Letting Go
Chapter 3: Temptations
Chapter 4: Ghost of the Past
Rose Tyler.
It was her, all right.
He’d seen her a couple of minutes ago as he’d been walking past. Her blonde hair had attracted his attention, as had something in the way she’d moved to turn the page of her newspaper. But then, Rose would always attract his attention.
It wasn’t his Rose, of course. She was safely back in 2006, with her mum. This was an older Rose - probably even the right age to be in this year, which meant one of two things. Either he’d taken her home for a visit... or she wasn’t travelling with him any more.
Something told him it was more likely the latter. After all, if he’d taken her back for a visit she’d be with her mum. If she’d gone somewhere else on a visit home, then he’d be with her. Wouldn’t he?
Whichever it was, this was a future-Rose. Which meant that he couldn’t afford to let her see him. Bad idea. Very bad idea.
And yet he couldn’t bring himself to walk on past. Couldn’t miss the opportunity to see how Rose would look in a few years’ time. Fully grown to womanhood, as opposed to being on the verge of it.
Bad idea. Because suddenly she was looking around. Staring right at him.
He ducked out of sight, but he obviously hadn’t been fast enough, because he saw her eyes widen. Shock and disbelief chased each other across her face.
And then she was calling to him, a note of anguish in her voice that tore at his hearts. And she was running out into the road, risking her life, the stupid ape, to get to him.
Well, hell.
Looking quickly from side to side, he ran out, dodging traffic, and got to her, grabbing her arm and steering her safely back to her side of the road.
Once there, he let go of her and stood, studying her. That was when he noticed it. The way she was looking at him. The paleness of her expression. Her wide, shocked eyes. The moisture in those eyes.
He frowned, eyes narrowing. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Her answer chilled him to the bone. “Yeah. I’m lookin’ at one.” And the choke in her voice as she finished made his hearts wrench. “You, Doctor.”
***
It was him.
Oh, god, it was really him. Her Doctor. Her first Doctor. Alive. And standing right in front of her. Close enough to touch.
Tears pricked at her eyes. God. She hadn’t cried over the Doctor in months. But then she’d never expected to see this Doctor again. And the last time she’d seen him he’d died right in front of her.
“Rose?” He was frowning at her. And the way he said her name... it brought back so many memories. Wonderful memories. Painful memories.
Her Doctor. Her first Doctor. The man - the alien - she’d loved so much. Who she’d almost died for. The Doctor she’d always wanted to just hold in her arms for ever and take his pain away. The Doctor who’d always been able to comfort her with just one touch, whose grin could make everything right with her world. The Doctor who’d first introduced her to the universe and time-travel.
The Doctor she’d first fallen in love with, before she’d fallen just as hard for his next regeneration.
A choked sob escaped her. “You died, Doctor.”
A look of enlightenment - an expression she remembered so well - crossed his face. “Ah.”
She clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh, god. I shouldn’t’ve told you that, should I?”
He tensed. “No. You shouldn’t.” Then he relaxed, and gave her that smile she remembered so well, too. “But you have, and we’ll just forget about it for now.”
Forget about it? How could he do that?
And if he was dead, how could he be here?
But of course. Time travel. This was some time while he was still alive. Some time while she was travelling with him.
“But, yeah, we shouldn’t be having this conversation,” he continued. “Really, I should just walk away now an’ forget we’ve met.”
Oh, please, no...
She wouldn’t cling. Wouldn’t plead with him to stay.
And then his face creased into another smile. “But sod what I should do.”
As she kept staring at him, still feeling that she should be pinching herself, he held out his arms. And, with an inarticulate cry, she launched herself at him. He enfolded her in his embrace, his so-familiar embrace.
He was the same. Exactly the same as she remembered. The scratchy wool of his jumper against her cheek. The smooth leather of his jacket. His arms tight around her. His very short hair against her own. The way they fit together, her head tucked into the hollow of his shoulder, his head against hers. The subtle male, Time Lord scent of him.
“Oh, god, Doctor...” And now the tears were coming properly. She tried to hide them, keeping her face buried against him, but he wouldn’t let her. His embrace loosened and he held her back from him.
“Don’t cry for me, Rose.” He freed one hand and, with his thumb, brushed her tears away. “Don’t. I’m not worth it. Never was, me.” And his smile was gentle, caring. Just as she remembered it.
“You are. You always were.” She caught his hand and clung to it.
“Rose.”
Oh, how many times had she heard him say her name in her head just like that? And how often had she wished for the chance to hear him say it again in reality, just once?
And here he was. Really here.
He released her and gestured behind her, and she glanced back, then saw the table she’d been sitting at until a couple of minutes ago. Taking up his suggestion, she resumed her seat. He walked around and dropped into the chair opposite her.
“So,” he said, one eyebrow raised, “you saw me through a regeneration? Must’ve been a shock, I’m guessing.”
She nodded, trying to regain her composure now. “Yeah. Was that, all right. Specially as I didn’t remember anything about what happened before it. Think I’d fainted or something. Then I came round and next thing you were goin’ on about dogs - ” She halted abruptly. “Sorry. Forgot. Shouldn’t be tellin’ you any of this stuff.”
“No.” He looked slightly uncomfortable. “So let’s talk about somethin’ else.”
“Yeah.” She took a deep breath. “What’re you doing here? And...” She looked around, worried suddenly, as a thought occurred to her. “Where am I?”
He grinned. “Nothin’ to worry about there, I promise. You’re safely back in 2006, visitin’ your mum. I left you there an’ said I’d be back in a few hours.”
Right. Of course, he’d never come in with her if he could avoid it. She wondered how he’d react if she told him that the regenerated him had actually had Christmas dinner with her mum and had wandered in and out of the flat as if it was a second home whenever they’d been in London. And that he’d hugged her mum several times. She stifled a grin. He’d probably pass out.
Then she focused on what he’d said. “Oh? You jus’ got back from Corralus Major, then?” She remembered that. Another place he’d taken her to because he’d said she’d love it. A beautiful and fascinating planet, with really friendly inhabitants, he’d told her. Yeah. It would’ve been beautiful, before the asteroid collision that’d destroyed most of the surface of one side of the planet, and before the space raiders who’d arrived looking for any scrap they could salvage. The remaining inhabitants had been struggling to rebuild their battered, devastated planet and had been suspicious as hell of any strangers.
As usual, she and the Doctor had ended up running for their lives.
He had the grace to look a little sheepish. “Yeah, we ‘ave. You remember that?”
“Vividly.” She grinned at him.
And he laughed too. “Remember getting your hair caught on that bush?”
“Oh, god, yeah!” It’d hurt like hell. She’d been running, and suddenly it’d felt as if half her hair was being ripped out by the roots. A stupid thorn-bush. A stupid, vicious thorn-bush. She’d sworn the thing had done it deliberately. He’d laughed at her, telling her she was imagining it, before very gently and carefully disentangling her, then hugging her because she’d been near to tears with pain.
And, yes, he’d taken her home for a visit after that. Not because she was upset or anything, but because she’d realised she hadn’t been home for a while and thought she probably should drop in. Strange. It’d never occurred to her to wonder what the Doctor’d done while she’d been there.
He’d never told her that he’d met a future her. But then, he wouldn’t. That was the Doctor all over. He knew so much: about the past, the present and the future; about everything that could be and might never be. And he only ever told people what he thought they needed to know, when they needed to know it.
It’d infuriated her at times, of course. But it was just the way he was. A Time Lord thing, presumably. He did have to be careful to avoid changing history accidentally - just as she was having to avoid, now, telling him too much about his own future.
Still, though, did he remember? Had he known, all the time they were together, that she would meet him here, today, years after she’d left him?
“So, what’re you doing here? In 2013?”
He smiled ruefully. “Remember Adam?”
“Oh, yeah.” She rolled her eyes. “What a moron.”
“Yeah.” His expression was scathing. “We dumped him a couple of weeks ago. Occurred to me I really should check, make sure nothin’ happened to change history. I mean, he’s got that communication device in his head. Could be dangerous, that. So...” He shrugged faintly. “Went to a few points in time over the next few decades. Makin’ sure. Was workin’ backwards, so this is my last check.”
“Right.” She nodded. “I did wonder, y’know, whether sendin’ ‘im back like that was dangerous.”
“Should’ve said it to me at the time.” His tone was very faintly chiding, though she knew he was blaming himself more than her.
“Didn’t think of it then. This is seven years later for me, remember.”
“Right. Course.” He nodded, and his expression turned distant. She sensed that he wanted to ask her about those seven years, but was reluctant.
And she was torn. There was so much she wanted to ask him. So many questions she had about him, but how could she ask without giving away things he couldn’t know about? Shouldn’t know?
Oh, god, things he didn’t know...
In a while, he was going to go back to 2006 and pick her up. The past her. And they’d go travelling again, and in a few days’ time she was going to ask him to do something for her. A favour. And she was going to take the human race to the brink of extinction, and kill him.
He must have been so disappointed in her. So angry - well, she knew how angry he’d been at the time. But afterwards, too. Only a few weeks before that, he’d called her the best. And then she’d done that.
Not the best at all. Far from it.
She couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t ask him to say no to any favour the younger her might ask in the next week or so. Because time just didn’t work out like that; that was something he, in both his incarnations, had taught her.
But maybe there was something she could say, something that wouldn’t give too much away...
“Doctor...” Hesitantly, she began. He nodded encouragingly at her. “You know that people make mistakes, right? And they don’t mean to, an’ they’re sorry afterwards?”
“What’s this about?” He frowned. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to get me to forgive that moron Adam?”
“Oh!” She shook her head. “No. You were right to dump him at home. No, I meant - ” But she halted. She couldn’t be any more specific. Couldn’t even hint at it. It was too dangerous.
His eyes narrowed. And then he relaxed. Smiled, even. “You trying to tell me that you made a mistake, Rose?”
She nodded. Should have known that he’d pick up on what she meant.
“I’m sure you did. It happens. Like you said, people do.” He gave her a straight, serious look. “You’ve seen me make mistakes plenty of times.”
“Yeah, but this is different. This - ” She couldn’t say any more without giving away too much. She’d probably already given away too much.
He studied her for a few moments. “Tell me this, Rose Tyler. Did I throw you out after whatever it was you did? Or did I forgive you?”
Quietly, she said, “You forgave me.”
His smile warmed her. “Then I’ve got nothin’ to worry about, do I? An’ nor do you.”
He was right. He had forgiven her. Because, as he’d told her afterwards, he’d been wrong the first time, when he’d accused her of planning it. And because she’d taken responsibility for what she’d done and said she was sorry.
“Thanks, Doctor.” She smiled back at him, and he reached across the table, covering her hand with his.
***
His first impression hadn’t been wrong. She was unhappy about something. And it wasn’t just seeing him again knowing that he’d died.
Although she was doing her best to hide it, there was something wrong. Something involving him. What he wasn’t sure yet was whether it involved him or his next regeneration.
What he did know was that it wasn’t something he should even consider asking her about. Too dangerous. And yet she’d already told him several things he shouldn’t know about: that he died; that she did something very foolish, for which he would probably be angry with her and that she was ashamed of; and that she wasn’t with him any more. Though that last was a guess rather than anything she’d told him.
Already, he was going to have to make sure he forgot all about this encounter. So what did it matter if he let her tell him more about his future and her past?
Because there was one thing he did know: Rose was unhappy, and it had something to do with him.
“So.” He leaned across the table, catching and holding her gaze, and squeezed her hand again. “You’re not travelling with me any more?”
She looked taken aback. “How’d you know that?”
“Lucky guess.” He grinned at her. Not so lucky, of course. She just had no idea how obvious she’d made it.
“Oh. Right.” And her gaze slid away.
Ah. Well, that just confirmed it. Whatever the problem was, there was no doubt that he had something to do with it. Probably all wrapped up with why she wasn’t with him any more.
His brow creased as a thought occurred to him. Had his successor just dumped her off at home? Left her behind?
It wouldn’t be anything new, of course. He’d done it to companions before, left them behind or sent them away from him before they were ready to leave. Sometimes because he thought they were ready to leave, but more often because he concluded it was the best or safest thing for them.
Had he ever thought about what the impact would be on them afterwards?
Probably not. He’d just assumed that he knew best and left it at that. Said goodbye and left them to get on with their lives. And, of course, he never came back. Never dropped in to see how they were. No human rituals like exchanging Christmas cards or the occasional phone call.
“What happened?” he asked. “Did I send you away?”
If he hadn’t been watching her so carefully, he’d have missed her flinch.
Sensitive topic. Ah. So he had.
Then she met his gaze again. “Is that what you always do, Doctor? Leave people behind?”
His eyes widened. That’d been intended to attack. To wound. And so the future him had dumped her.
Well, damnit anyway. What had he been thinking? And what the hell had happened to make him do it?
“That what I did to you?” He withdrew his hand.
She sighed and looked away. “No. But I met someone you did do it to.”
Ah. Somehow, she ran into a former companion. Well, probably not that difficult to do. There were quite a few around, of course. Again, he shouldn’t ask. Wasn’t as if he even wanted to know. “Who?”
Her eyes flashed with something like anger. “Sarah-Jane.”
What? “Sarah-Jane Smith?”
She’d met Sarah-Jane?
“Yeah.”
“When’d you meet her?” Recently? How old would Sarah be now? Or had Rose somehow met her in the past? No... that would mean he would’ve taken her there, and he wouldn’t do that.
Rose shrugged. “First time was six years ago. I was still travellin’ with you at the time. She turned up - ” Abruptly, she broke off. “Shouldn’t be tellin’ you this. Jus’ take it that we - you an’ me - met her. An’ I found out that you just left her. An’ you know you never even mentioned her to me. Or anyone else you travelled with, for that matter.”
It was his turn to look away. “I don’t do that.”
“Right.” Now her tone was scathing. “Because it’s too human, right? Cause it means you might actually have to care about someone.”
Shocked, he stared at her. “I do care about people!” He cared about her. And if somehow the later him had given her the impression that he didn’t... Well, he’d just have to correct it.
“Yeah, but only for as long as they’re around. Then they go an’ you never mention them again. Out of sight, out of mind.”
So bitter. So hurt. Oh, Rose.
“No. Never.” He shook his head. “I remember them, Rose. All of them. And just cause they’re not with me any more doesn’t mean I stop caring ‘bout them.”
She swallowed then and shook her head slightly. “You told me - the later you. You said... you said we - humans - wither and die. An’ you just regenerate an’ live on alone. An’ that’s why you walk away. That’s why you leave us behind.”
Why on earth had he said that to her? Oh, of course, it was true. That was exactly why he never went back once he’d left someone. Or they’d left him. Because it was too hard. And not only for him - for them, too. Because they would have moved on with their lives, and they certainly wouldn’t want him turning up like a ghost at the feast.
But he hadn’t had to tell Rose that he never made contact with past companions, surely?
The fact was that his next self had. So he supposed he had no choice but to try to repair the damage his tenth incarnation had caused.
“Yeah, ‘s why I don’t ever go back once someone’s stopped travellin’ with me, yeah. Rose, you know how old I am. An’ now you know about regeneration you know it’s not easy to kill me. But, anyway, think about it. Leave aside time travel an’ the way I can be in 2006 two hours ago with nineteen-year-old you, and in 2013 with you now. Say I came back to visit you every year or so for the rest of your life. You’d get older. Unless I regenerated, I’d look more or less the same. Apart from the question of how you could explain that to anyone, how would that make you feel? And how d’you think it’d make me feel seein’ you get old an’ die like that when I’m just the same?”
She shrugged again. “I get that, Doctor. I’m not stupid. But you could at least be kinder when you get rid of people.”
What had the future him done to her? “Rose, what happened to you?”
She shook her head. “Not me. Sarah-Jane.”
“What?” This conversation was taking a bizarre turn.
“You mean you don’t even remember?” She looked horrified. “You dumped her. Told her you were goin’ home - back to your planet - an’ she couldn’t come.”
“She couldn’t!” he protested. “Humans weren’t allowed - ”
“Yeah. An’ what’d you do? Took her home. Never told her you weren’t coming back for her. She was just left. Waiting for you. An’ you never came.”
He could only stare at Rose. Sarah’d really thought he’d come back? But he thought she’d understood it was a final farewell. Because... well, because it was time. And because he didn’t do that. Didn’t go back for people.
Well, okay, he’d gone back for Rose after she said no, but that was different. Sort of.
“I thought she understood.” That was all he could manage to say in his own defence.
“You mean you didn’t bother to explain. An’ you know what else?”
“What?”
“You didn’t even take her home. Croydon, right?”
Hating how defensive he sounded, he said, “Yeah. That’s where I took her. Wasn’t it?”
“Try Aberdeen.” Oh, shit.
And then Rose sighed. “God. I’m doin’ it again. I shouldn’t be tellin’ you this stuff ‘bout Sarah. Cause you - the next you’s supposed to find out next year.”
He shrugged. It really didn’t matter. He wouldn’t remember it anyway. “Why’re you so upset about Sarah, anyway? After, what, one meeting?”
It didn’t make that much sense. He wouldn’t have thought, on the surface, that Rose would have that much in common with Sarah-Jane Smith - well, the present-day Sarah, anyway. Under the surface, yes, she reminded him a lot of Sarah. Intelligent, belligerent, inclined to challenge him and stand up to him, and apt to act as his conscience. And also warm, caring and able to get under his skin and make him care about her in a way he never expected to, never wanted to.
She laughed, but without much humour. “Shows what you know, Doctor. She’s been my best friend for the last six years. Don’t think I’d’ve made it through without her. She even helped me get my job.”
Best friends? Sarah and Rose?
Oh, Rassilon... that sent shivers through him. The idea of the two of them, swapping stories about him, comparing notes...
“If you’d been five minutes earlier, you’d’ve seen her,” Rose added. “We were having coffee together before she had to go - she’s interviewing Harriet Jones,” she added with a grin.
He could’ve seen Sarah... He had to squash the sudden leap of his hearts at that idea. Yes, it would’ve been nice, but also hellish. Especially if she did harbour the kind of resentment obvious from what Rose had said.
Besides, he didn’t do that. Didn’t go back. Didn’t revisit the past.
He shook his head. “Best not. But, when you see her, tell her...” He winced. Tell her what? That he was sorry? That he missed her? That he’d never forgotten her? Would any of those help? Or would they just add insult to injury? He sighed. “No. Don’t tell her anything. Maybe ‘s best if you don’t even tell her you’ve seen me.”
Rose nodded. And then he remembered what else she’d said.
She’s been my best friend for the last six years. Don’t think I’d’ve made it through without her.
Six years. She’d been back home for that long? That meant she’d left him about a year from now in his timeline. And... made it through? Made it through what?
“Rose.” Grimly, he held her gaze, his voice almost harsh in its intensity. “Tell me. Why did you stop travelling with me?”
***
tbc