In which she owes Davy Jones 'er soul...

Jul 07, 2006 03:43

So, as we all expected, PotC = QFF. (Quite. Fucking. Fantastic.) For real. Whether they admit it or not, everyone is a little anxious as they go in to see a sequel to one of the most instantaneous breakaway pop-culture invading movie hits of all time. But rejoice, me hearties, this be an adventure worth the taking! And so here's my (slightly crazed) review, done in pirate talk for the occasion... (English translation follows.)

PIRATE VERSION
Experience in General
We arrived in th' theater about 10-ish (an' by we I mean myself, cuteelf14, an' th' artist formerly known as _dangerkitty_ ), all in full costume an' stage make-up an' ready t' rock (or roll, actually, on accoun' o' that`s what waves do). Thar be a wee other swabbies kinda dressed up in th' line next t' ours who "Arrrrr!"ed at us as we keel hauled in. Classic times, me heartys. Anyhoo, after awhile we got in th' theater proper, snatched th' aft-row center seats, an' proceeded t' watch our cousins in sweet trade enter th' room. Arrr, now th' real bilge water:

Characters
A great big sorry t' all th' Keira Knightley fans ou' thar, but I jus' hate this wench lass. I seriously dasn't get why sea dogs an' land lubbers thinks she`s th' best British actress since Elizabeth Taylor (we all know that title belongs t' Julie Andrews). Honestly, I dasn't think I`d find th' lass' nearly as annoyin' if she would jus' learn t' act without usin' th' lass' already naturally larger than usual lower jaw t' th' horkin' extreme. Seriously, one good eye be th' port hole t' th' soul, nay yer o'er accentuated bone structure.

Now th' rest o' th' characters (who, on th' other hand, I did like)...
Jack: Brilliant as always (be thar ereany doubt?).
Will: Less annoyin' than last time, so I`ll be havin' t' give th' lad's me props. I also like th' fact that Orlando Bloom has Daddy Issues.
Norrington: I dasn't know what happened t' this guy since 2003, but whatereit be, I like 't! In Black Pearl he wasn`t yer favorite guy, but ye didna hate th' lad's, either. Infact, I kinda felt sorry fer th' lad's, havin' his fiance dump th' lad's fer a criminal blacksmith (pwn`d!). But now he`s jus' like: STEP OFF, BITCHES! NORRINGTON`S HERE T' HORK THIS BILGE WATER UP! An' honestly, I dasn't be havin' any disagreement. (An' that wascally wabbit, takin' Davy Jones` heart an' all... Be he nay badass?)
Davy Jones: I really wasn`t quite sure as t' how they be gonna manage t' top Barbossa, but if this dude be any more BA th' movie would be titled Pirates of the Caribbean: Snakes on a Motherhorking Plane. Loved his tentacle beard/stache, especially whilst playin' his organ (although be I th' only one who sort o' wishes 't had been th' same organ from Goonies? Anyone? Bueller?). An' th' whole tragic/baddie story be totally rockin`. Plus Slartibartfast Bill Nighy be tha man.
Lawrence: Gov. Swann: Jonathan Pryce will forerebe (t' me, at least) one o' them precious wee character actors than constantly delivers. Here`s t' ye, pompous-wigged, jail-break old man who seeks th' canine keeper o' th' keys!
Pintel/Ragetti: Again, less annoyin' than in Black Pearl, an' I also loved that nay only did they seem t' be tryin' t' clist up the'r act, but 'tis neremade clear jus' which side the'r on.
Gibbs: He`s jus' so gosh darn likeable that ye canna help 't.
Cotton: What`s nay t' love about a tongue-less old guy whose only form o' communication be parrot?
Bootstrap Bill: Aye, acting/character be great. But really I jus' wanna say Skaaarrrrrsgååårrrrrrd. (Arrr.)
Beckett: Hated th' lad's waaaay more than I hated Norrington in Black Pearl. An' therefore I love th' lad's. He`s jus' so vile ye wanna do onseemly things t' th' lad's. (Me, what dirty minds we be havin'!)
Barhorkingbossa: Ohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohman. Talk about a giant "WTF?!" moment. I mean, I knew he be gonna be in 't, I jus' didna know how. Considerin' that last time we saw th' lad's he kinda sank t'Davy Jones' locker. (Or did he?) An' th' apple?! Hooooooo, dohggy! How`s that fer plot device? E'en in th' first scene in Tia Dalma`s sea shanty, th' one shot 'ere they showed (monkey) Jack in th' aft room sittin' wi' a pair o' boots, I be like, "WTF, she`s either on th' yardarm o' a screw or she`s got a frickin` dead guy aft thar." Well, now we know that aye, 't be a dead guy. Or be that Undead? Nay dead yet anymore? Mostly dead? (An' ahoy, who`s t' say she wasn't screwin' `im? She certainly seems more than willin' t' give 't ou'.)
Tia Dalma: When I first saw th' lass' in all th' promo materials I didna think I would end up likin' th' lass' very much, but as soon as she came onscreen I automatically fell in (completely hetero) love. Th' frickin` eye tattoos, th' freaky discolored lips/teeth, th' crunky-arse hair, th' worn but still smashin` gown, an' th' hittin' on freakin` everything?! Awesome, says I!
Random Indian/Pakistani Crewmember: Enough said.
THE KRACKEN: Equals one bad mother h----- (shut yo bung hole).

*Side note: What, be another Gentleman o' fortune movie nay good enough fer Zoe Saldana, or be Zoe Saldana nay good enough fer another seafarin' hearty movie?

Story
Really, thar`s nay much fer me t' say along th' lines o' story. I horkin' loved 't an' that`s enough.

PotC 3 Theories
First off, I really horkin' want t' know how th' hork Barbossa be alive an' kickin'. An' eatin'. An' also how he ended up in a bayou. But anyways...

At World's End is (according to imdb.com, at least) looking to be the official title. Now, before I saw the DMC, I be thinkin' that this meant 't in terms o' th' known/explored world. Which would certainly fit in wi' th' next films Chinese buccanneers, an' th' Beckett`s whole schpiel on "th' world shrinking" yadda yadda yadda.

But Tia Dalma`s speech (along wi' Barbossa) makes me think that maybe 'tis th' end o' the living world. Tia Dalma spake that`d they`d need someone whose sailed an' knew "them waters", an' who better than a man who be sailin' th' high seas as an undead-man. So, if this theory o' mine turns ou' t' be true, sea dogs an' land lubbers be gonna hafta sink t'Davy Jones' locker in some way or another. Maybe multiple times, a la Buffy th' Vampire Slayer, or 24.

Now, on th' topic o' who`s an' what`s. Th' first film dealt wi' a squadron o' immortal/undead-sea dogs an' an old Aztec wannion. Th' second dealt wi' a squadron o' mutant/hybrid sea dogs an some freaky arse voodoo/blood debt bilge water. So me question be, since th' next one looks t' be takin' place in Asia, be thar goin' t' be ninja gentleman o' fortunes ? (An' if so, how many?) An' some mystical dragon bilge water goiong on? `Cause I`d be totally onboard fer that!

ENGLISH VERSION
Experience in General
We arrived in the theater about 10-ish (and by we I mean myself, cuteelf14, and the artist formerly known as _dangerkitty_ ), all in full costume and stage make-up and ready to rock (or roll, actually, because that's what waves do). There were a few other people kinda dressed up in the line next to ours who "Arrrrr!"ed at us as we walked in. Classic times, my friends. Anyhoo, after awhile we got in the theater proper, snatched the back-row center seats, and proceeded to watch our cousins in piracy enter the room. Okay, now the real shit:

Characters
A great big sorry to all the Keira Knightley fans out there, but I just hate this woman girl. I seriously don't get why everyone thinks she's the best British actress since Elizabeth Taylor (we all know that title belongs to Julie Andrews). Honestly, I don't think I'd find her nearly as annoying if she would just learn to act without using her already naturally larger than usual lower jaw to the fucking extreme. Seriously, eyes are the window to the soul, not your over accentuated bone structure.

Now the rest of the characters (who, on the other hand, I did like)...
Jack: Brilliant as always (was there ever any doubt?).
Will: Less annoying than last time, so I'll have to give him my props. I also like the fact that Orlando Bloom has Daddy Issues.
Norrington: I don't know what happened to this guy since 2003, but whatever it was, I like it! In Black Pearl he wasn't your favorite guy, but you didn't hate him, either. Infact, I kinda felt sorry for him, having his fiance dump him for a criminal blacksmith (pwn'd!). But now he's just like: STEP OFF, BITCHES! NORRINGTON'S HERE TO FUCK THIS SHIT UP! And honestly, I don't have any disagreement. (And that wascally wabbit, taking Davy Jones' heart and all... Is he not badass?)
Davy Jones: I really wasn't quite sure as to how they were gonna manage to top Barbossa, but if this dude were any more BA the movie would be titled Pirates of the Caribbean: Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane. Loved his tentacle beard/stache, especially whilst playing his organ (although am I the only one who sort of wishes it had been the same organ from Goonies? Anyone? Bueller?). And the whole tragic/baddie story was totally rockin'. Plus Slartibartfast Bill Nighy is tha man.
Lawrence: Gov. Swann: Jonathan Pryce will forever be (to me, at least) one of those precious few character actors than constantly delivers. Here's to you, pompous-wigged, jail-break old man who seeks the canine keeper of the keys!
Pintel/Ragetti: Again, less annoying than in Black Pearl, and I also loved that not only did they seem to be trying to clean up their act, but it's never made clear just which side their on.
Gibbs: He's just so gosh darn likeable that you can't help it.
Cotton: What's not to love about a tongue-less old guy whose only form of communication is parrot?
Bootstrap Bill: Yes, acting/character was great. But really I just wanna say Skaaarrrrrsgååårrrrrrd. (Arrr.)
Beckett: Hated him waaaay more than I hated Norrington in Black Pearl. And therefore I love him. He's just so vile you wanna do onseemly things to him. (My, what dirty minds we have!)
Barfuckingbossa: Ohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohmanohman. Talk about a giant "WTF?!" moment. I mean, I knew he was gonna be in it, I just didn't know how. Considering that last time we saw him he kinda died. (Or did he?) And the apple?! Hooooooo, dohggy! How's that for plot device? Even in the first scene in Tia Dalma's shack, the one shot where they showed (monkey) Jack in the back room sitting with a pair of boots, I was like, "WTF, she's either in the middle of a screw or she's got a frickin' dead guy back there." Well, now we know that yes, it was a dead guy. Or is that Undead? Not dead yet anymore? Mostly dead? (And hey, who's to say she wasn't screwing 'im? She certainly seems more than willing to give it out.)
Tia Dalma: When I first saw her in all the promo materials I didn't think I would end up liking her very much, but as soon as she came onscreen I automatically fell in (completely hetero) love. The frickin' eye tattoos, the freaky discolored lips/teeth, the crunky-ass hair, the worn but still smashin' gown, and the hitting on freakin' everything?! Awesome, says I!
Random Indian/Pakistani Crewmember: Enough said.
THE KRACKEN: Equals one bad mother f----- (shut yo mouth).

*Side note: What, was another Pirate movie not good enough for Zoe Saldana, or was Zoe Saldana not good enough for another pirate movie?

Story
Really, there's not much for me to say along the lines of story. I fucking loved it and that's enough.

PotC 3 Theories
First off, I really fucking want to know how the fuck Barbossa is alive and kicking. And eating. And also how he ended up in a bayou. But anyways...

At World's End is (according to imdb.com, at least) looking to be the official title. Now, before I saw the DMC, I was thinking that this meant it in terms of the known/explored world. Which would certainly fit in with the next films Chinese pirates, and the Beckett's whole schpiel on "the world shrinking" yadda yadda yadda.

But Tia Dalma's speech (along with Barbossa) makes me think that maybe it's the end of the living world. Tia Dalma said that'd they'd need someone whose sailed and knew "those waters", and who better than a man who was sailing the high seas as an undead-man. So, if this theory of mine turns out to be true, everyone is gonna hafta die in some way or another. Maybe multiple times, a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or 24.

Now, on the topic of who's and what's. The first film dealt with a group of immortal/undead-pirates and an old Aztec curse. The second dealt with a group of mutant/hybrid pirates an some freaky ass voodoo/blood debt shit. So my question is, since the next one looks to be taking place in Asia, are there going to be ninja pirates? (And if so, how many?) And some mystical dragon shit goiong on? 'Cause I'd be totally onboard for that!

[EDIT: Just incase it wasn't made clear by my character review: I FUCKING CLAIM DMC NORRINGTON, BITCHES! Recognize.]

father of my children, horning, reviews, geekout, edits, movies, omg, costumes, pirates, theories, bad sleep

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