nostalgia need not linger (oneshot)
nostalgia need not linger
broken!taoris.
pg.
slight!romance. angst.
oneshot/~1850w.
They sit together at this dinner table and forget. Forget that one is married, forget that the other lives halfway across the world. Here and now, they are the lovers they once were.
NOSTALGIA NEED NOT LINGER
It happens once every year.
There's a knock at the door. Only two knocks, knock knock. Not knock. knock. or knockknock. It's knock knock, almost one word but not quite. Yifan walks to the door, opening it without a second thought, because he knows who's on the other side.
"You're late," he says as soon as their eyes meet.
"I always am," the dark-eyed boy - because he is always a boy to Yifan, no matter how many years pass, experience aging them faster than time - replies with that lopsided grin of his. Yifan sighs in acknowledgement and moves aside for him to enter.
Zitao enters as if the house is his own, heading straight for the kitchen. He dumps his backpack by the door without a moment of hesitation. Yifan rolls his eyes as he watches, kicking it to the side before following him.
"The decorations haven't change," Ziitao comments, eyes hovering over the picture on the fridge. Yifan pretends he doesn't notice.
"Yeah, I'm not one for interior designing."
Zitao turns to glance at him. "I know." Of course he knows. Zitao knows everything about Yifan, even the little things Yifan doesn't know about himself. It's scary, but love always is.
"How is California this time of the year?" he asks, hoping to change the subject. It works - Zitao stops staring at the pictures to take a seat across from Yifan. He taps his finger on the wood, thinking for a moment. Yifan takes the time to look over Zitao's features. He never seems to age on the outside, but mentally, he seems to move ten times faster than everyone else.
"It's nice," Zitao finally replies. "I tried surfing the other month. "
"And how was that?" Did you meet anyone new?
"Fun." Yes.
Yifan offers a small smile, which Zitao pretends to not see as he plays with his fingers. "I ran into Jongdae the other day," Yifan says instead. "It was kind of weird, but did you know he's engaged now? They're already expecting," Yifan comments. He waits for Zitao's reaction and smiles when he gets it. Zitao's eyes widen, he sits up a little more, and he leans in, their eyes meeting.
"Does he still call you Kris, too?" Zitao asks, and Yifan laughs. He didn't expect that.
"Yeah." Zitao smiles.
"You know, ge, sometimes I wonder-"
"Zitao," Yifan warns quietly, already knowing the words Zitao wants to say. They're the same ones that linger in Yifan's mind every time they meet. But that is not how this works.
But Zitao keeps smiling as he continues. "I wonder what it would be like if EXO lasted just a little bit longer. Would things be different for all of us? Or would I still be in California, and you -"
"Zitao," Yifan snaps, and their eyes meet, gazes steady. Neither backs down. "Stop. We can't change any of this, so just- stop. You need to move on."
"I know," Zitao replies calmly, as if speaking of the weather and not their lives, once so polished and pretty with hope, now crushed by realities and the dust collected by countless letdowns. "I just wonder, you know? I miss them a lot. Baekhyun... Baekhyun doesn't even answer my phone calls anymore." He casts his eyes downwards, a sad smile playing his lips as he traces mindless patterns on the tabletop.
"He's busy," Yifan says, moving his hand over the table and stopping right when their fingertips almost, but not quite, touch. The corner of Zitao's lips quirk, but his eyes stay downcast. "And you know how expensive international calls can be."
Zitao laughs, and it's so bitter, Yifan can taste it on his lips. "Don't you hate it when people say money can't buy you everything? I mean, at least it buys you something. Phone calls, plane tickets, a home-"
"Stop," Yifan sighs. "Please, just- stop." This is not how their conversations are supposed to go. Zitao is supposed to joke around about how California only has two real seasons, and how the people don't stare if you hold hands with another man. He'd ask Yifan to come visit soon, and Yifan would say sure but they both would know the truth. But that was fine, because this day was theirs and theirs only - not even reality could take it from them.
"Sorry," Zitao whispers, catching himself. Yifan sees the glistening in his eyes, and leans back in defeat. The boy who never hid his emotions turned into the boy who never showed any, and Yifan misses the tears, the laughter, the touches much more than he ever would admit aloud.
"So I was thinking about maybe visiting sometime soon. Maybe over winter break," Yifan starts because he knows that is Zitao's favorite lie, even better than the one at this very second.
Zitao smiles at that. "That'd be nice. It's not very cold in California, not even in the winter. But you should still bring a jacket, because I know you're sensitive to the cold. Or you could borrow mine."
"I'll keep that in mind," Yifan says, smiling back softly. Then it's quiet again, the sound of the faucet leaking and the refrigerator humming in the background. Yifan watches the way Zitao's eyes wander around the kitchen again, noting the plates stacked in the sink, the grocery list taped onto the cabinet, and of course lingering back to the pictures of the fridge. Yifan has half a mind to get up and rip them off just to get Zitao to look at him.
"I miss you," Zitao suddenly says, eyes meeting Yifan's. Yifan is too surprised to even stop him before the words come stumbling out. "I miss you all the time, but it's the worst during the fall. I don't know why, but it's always the fall. I think it's because I remember when we used to go out in our sweaters and drink coffee outside of that shop. I always liked their coffee. I can't find anything like it back in California." I can't find anyone like you in California.
"Zitao..." He doesn't know what to say. Should he say we can go this year? Should he say the shop's closed? Should he say I miss you too? Should he lie, again and again?
"I'm sorry," Zitao sighs, hanging his head. "I just- things are going to change."
Things have changed. "How so?"
"I'm moving back."
There's a tangible pause as Yifan tries to get his lips to move and ask, "Why?"
Zitao only smiles. "This is a good thing, isn't it? We can see each other more often now. We could watch movies together, or go to that bar - you know, I still have yet to try drinking yet. I wanted to wait until I could go with someone. But if I move back, maybe I'll get the guts to. If you'll go with me, that is."
Yifan doesn't know what to say. He knows there is more, knows there is something Zitao is hiding behind his jumbled words, and knows not to ask because he won't like the reply. "Sure," is all he manages. "When are you moving?"
"Next month," Zitao replies, words blunt. They bounce off of Yifan; Yifan never catches things these days anyway.
"You've already found a place?" Yifan asks slowly, and he wants to take back the words as soon as they fall from his lips because the look on Zitao's face is enough to break his heart all over again.
Zitao stares him straight in the eye when he replies, "Yeah, I'm moving in with someone." Someone who's not you.
Yifan wants to laugh and cry all at the same time because he's expected this for so long yet actually watching it unfold is something else entirely. He wonders if this is how Zitao felt the day he met his future wife - like stopping time, telling it to slow down because you haven't really felt enough of love like this and you want just one more moment, one more year to savor it. It's not fair how life steals the time out of you.
It falls quiet after that. Zitao goes back to looking at the pictures, and Yifan goes back to looking at Zitao. The clock above the cabinet ticks, telling them it's almost time to stop pretending. Although, right now, it doesn't feel like they're pretending at all; something has changed.
Zitao is the first to make a move. He grabs Yifan's hand, still not looking at him, and just holds it. Yifan closes his eyes, tries to remember the last time they met and Zitao held his hand, tries to remember how dry his hands were and how Zitao tried to blame California weather, tries to remember kissing away the cracks on Zitao's hands and heart.
Yifan breathes in as Zitao starts tracing characters over Yifan's hand. He can't feel the words, but he knows them already, just as he knows Zitao.
It doesn't feel like it was too long ago when Zitao first crawled into bed with Yifan, murmuring a sleepy "I love you." Yesterday still sounds a lot like "we'll be together forever," a promise between band members and once-lovers.
Promises are always broken, though. All Yifan and Zitao are are two shattered pieces of the same heart, the same promise.
This is the last time this will happen. Zitao knows it, makes it obvious with the way his stares linger and his words fall out without any thoughts, as if he's trying to get everything out before it's too late, before they close the door on this the way SM did to EXO years back. Yifan knows it, reading Zitao like his favorite book and wishing more than anything that he could keep him forever, tucked away on his nightstand, but he knows he can't and won't.
They're standing by the door now. It's time. Zitao's backpack is on, the door is unlocked, and everything is just one footstep away.
"I'm getting married." Zitao speaks slowly, letting the air soak in the words as he turns to meet Yifan's eyes one last time.
Yifan breathes in steadily, nodding once. "Am I invited?"
"Of course," Zitao replies as if it's obvious, and it is but Yifan just wants reassurance for once.
"When's the wedding?"
"Soon. She wants an autumn wedding." Yifan bites back a smile from the irony; it hurts, both physically and emotionally. Autumn, autumn, autumn. It's always autumn when people fall.
"That's nice." One more lie can't hurt.
"Yeah." Zitao is searching for more, but Yifan can't give him anymore. It's time to stop. When Zitao looks away, Yifan pretends it doesn't hurt, pretends he's okay.
"I'll see you then," Yifan says first. Maybe it's time to let go.
Zitao's lips curve, but it's not a smile. It's a goodbye, a 'I'll miss you,' a final 'I love you.' "Yeah. I'll see you." His words linger for a moment, but they disappear the moment Zitao steps out the door.
As the door closes, Yifan breathes out. This time, it's really over.
• fin.
a/n: i've had this idea for over half a year, so i'm really glad to get this out. and i miss taoris ;_; thanks for reading!
broken!taoris.
pg.
slight!romance. angst.
oneshot/~1850w.
They sit together at this dinner table and forget. Forget that one is married, forget that the other lives halfway across the world. Here and now, they are the lovers they once were.
NOSTALGIA NEED NOT LINGER
It happens once every year.
There's a knock at the door. Only two knocks, knock knock. Not knock. knock. or knockknock. It's knock knock, almost one word but not quite. Yifan walks to the door, opening it without a second thought, because he knows who's on the other side.
"You're late," he says as soon as their eyes meet.
"I always am," the dark-eyed boy - because he is always a boy to Yifan, no matter how many years pass, experience aging them faster than time - replies with that lopsided grin of his. Yifan sighs in acknowledgement and moves aside for him to enter.
Zitao enters as if the house is his own, heading straight for the kitchen. He dumps his backpack by the door without a moment of hesitation. Yifan rolls his eyes as he watches, kicking it to the side before following him.
"The decorations haven't change," Ziitao comments, eyes hovering over the picture on the fridge. Yifan pretends he doesn't notice.
"Yeah, I'm not one for interior designing."
Zitao turns to glance at him. "I know." Of course he knows. Zitao knows everything about Yifan, even the little things Yifan doesn't know about himself. It's scary, but love always is.
"How is California this time of the year?" he asks, hoping to change the subject. It works - Zitao stops staring at the pictures to take a seat across from Yifan. He taps his finger on the wood, thinking for a moment. Yifan takes the time to look over Zitao's features. He never seems to age on the outside, but mentally, he seems to move ten times faster than everyone else.
"It's nice," Zitao finally replies. "I tried surfing the other month. "
"And how was that?" Did you meet anyone new?
"Fun." Yes.
Yifan offers a small smile, which Zitao pretends to not see as he plays with his fingers. "I ran into Jongdae the other day," Yifan says instead. "It was kind of weird, but did you know he's engaged now? They're already expecting," Yifan comments. He waits for Zitao's reaction and smiles when he gets it. Zitao's eyes widen, he sits up a little more, and he leans in, their eyes meeting.
"Does he still call you Kris, too?" Zitao asks, and Yifan laughs. He didn't expect that.
"Yeah." Zitao smiles.
"You know, ge, sometimes I wonder-"
"Zitao," Yifan warns quietly, already knowing the words Zitao wants to say. They're the same ones that linger in Yifan's mind every time they meet. But that is not how this works.
But Zitao keeps smiling as he continues. "I wonder what it would be like if EXO lasted just a little bit longer. Would things be different for all of us? Or would I still be in California, and you -"
"Zitao," Yifan snaps, and their eyes meet, gazes steady. Neither backs down. "Stop. We can't change any of this, so just- stop. You need to move on."
"I know," Zitao replies calmly, as if speaking of the weather and not their lives, once so polished and pretty with hope, now crushed by realities and the dust collected by countless letdowns. "I just wonder, you know? I miss them a lot. Baekhyun... Baekhyun doesn't even answer my phone calls anymore." He casts his eyes downwards, a sad smile playing his lips as he traces mindless patterns on the tabletop.
"He's busy," Yifan says, moving his hand over the table and stopping right when their fingertips almost, but not quite, touch. The corner of Zitao's lips quirk, but his eyes stay downcast. "And you know how expensive international calls can be."
Zitao laughs, and it's so bitter, Yifan can taste it on his lips. "Don't you hate it when people say money can't buy you everything? I mean, at least it buys you something. Phone calls, plane tickets, a home-"
"Stop," Yifan sighs. "Please, just- stop." This is not how their conversations are supposed to go. Zitao is supposed to joke around about how California only has two real seasons, and how the people don't stare if you hold hands with another man. He'd ask Yifan to come visit soon, and Yifan would say sure but they both would know the truth. But that was fine, because this day was theirs and theirs only - not even reality could take it from them.
"Sorry," Zitao whispers, catching himself. Yifan sees the glistening in his eyes, and leans back in defeat. The boy who never hid his emotions turned into the boy who never showed any, and Yifan misses the tears, the laughter, the touches much more than he ever would admit aloud.
"So I was thinking about maybe visiting sometime soon. Maybe over winter break," Yifan starts because he knows that is Zitao's favorite lie, even better than the one at this very second.
Zitao smiles at that. "That'd be nice. It's not very cold in California, not even in the winter. But you should still bring a jacket, because I know you're sensitive to the cold. Or you could borrow mine."
"I'll keep that in mind," Yifan says, smiling back softly. Then it's quiet again, the sound of the faucet leaking and the refrigerator humming in the background. Yifan watches the way Zitao's eyes wander around the kitchen again, noting the plates stacked in the sink, the grocery list taped onto the cabinet, and of course lingering back to the pictures of the fridge. Yifan has half a mind to get up and rip them off just to get Zitao to look at him.
"I miss you," Zitao suddenly says, eyes meeting Yifan's. Yifan is too surprised to even stop him before the words come stumbling out. "I miss you all the time, but it's the worst during the fall. I don't know why, but it's always the fall. I think it's because I remember when we used to go out in our sweaters and drink coffee outside of that shop. I always liked their coffee. I can't find anything like it back in California." I can't find anyone like you in California.
"Zitao..." He doesn't know what to say. Should he say we can go this year? Should he say the shop's closed? Should he say I miss you too? Should he lie, again and again?
"I'm sorry," Zitao sighs, hanging his head. "I just- things are going to change."
Things have changed. "How so?"
"I'm moving back."
There's a tangible pause as Yifan tries to get his lips to move and ask, "Why?"
Zitao only smiles. "This is a good thing, isn't it? We can see each other more often now. We could watch movies together, or go to that bar - you know, I still have yet to try drinking yet. I wanted to wait until I could go with someone. But if I move back, maybe I'll get the guts to. If you'll go with me, that is."
Yifan doesn't know what to say. He knows there is more, knows there is something Zitao is hiding behind his jumbled words, and knows not to ask because he won't like the reply. "Sure," is all he manages. "When are you moving?"
"Next month," Zitao replies, words blunt. They bounce off of Yifan; Yifan never catches things these days anyway.
"You've already found a place?" Yifan asks slowly, and he wants to take back the words as soon as they fall from his lips because the look on Zitao's face is enough to break his heart all over again.
Zitao stares him straight in the eye when he replies, "Yeah, I'm moving in with someone." Someone who's not you.
Yifan wants to laugh and cry all at the same time because he's expected this for so long yet actually watching it unfold is something else entirely. He wonders if this is how Zitao felt the day he met his future wife - like stopping time, telling it to slow down because you haven't really felt enough of love like this and you want just one more moment, one more year to savor it. It's not fair how life steals the time out of you.
It falls quiet after that. Zitao goes back to looking at the pictures, and Yifan goes back to looking at Zitao. The clock above the cabinet ticks, telling them it's almost time to stop pretending. Although, right now, it doesn't feel like they're pretending at all; something has changed.
Zitao is the first to make a move. He grabs Yifan's hand, still not looking at him, and just holds it. Yifan closes his eyes, tries to remember the last time they met and Zitao held his hand, tries to remember how dry his hands were and how Zitao tried to blame California weather, tries to remember kissing away the cracks on Zitao's hands and heart.
Yifan breathes in as Zitao starts tracing characters over Yifan's hand. He can't feel the words, but he knows them already, just as he knows Zitao.
It doesn't feel like it was too long ago when Zitao first crawled into bed with Yifan, murmuring a sleepy "I love you." Yesterday still sounds a lot like "we'll be together forever," a promise between band members and once-lovers.
Promises are always broken, though. All Yifan and Zitao are are two shattered pieces of the same heart, the same promise.
This is the last time this will happen. Zitao knows it, makes it obvious with the way his stares linger and his words fall out without any thoughts, as if he's trying to get everything out before it's too late, before they close the door on this the way SM did to EXO years back. Yifan knows it, reading Zitao like his favorite book and wishing more than anything that he could keep him forever, tucked away on his nightstand, but he knows he can't and won't.
They're standing by the door now. It's time. Zitao's backpack is on, the door is unlocked, and everything is just one footstep away.
"I'm getting married." Zitao speaks slowly, letting the air soak in the words as he turns to meet Yifan's eyes one last time.
Yifan breathes in steadily, nodding once. "Am I invited?"
"Of course," Zitao replies as if it's obvious, and it is but Yifan just wants reassurance for once.
"When's the wedding?"
"Soon. She wants an autumn wedding." Yifan bites back a smile from the irony; it hurts, both physically and emotionally. Autumn, autumn, autumn. It's always autumn when people fall.
"That's nice." One more lie can't hurt.
"Yeah." Zitao is searching for more, but Yifan can't give him anymore. It's time to stop. When Zitao looks away, Yifan pretends it doesn't hurt, pretends he's okay.
"I'll see you then," Yifan says first. Maybe it's time to let go.
Zitao's lips curve, but it's not a smile. It's a goodbye, a 'I'll miss you,' a final 'I love you.' "Yeah. I'll see you." His words linger for a moment, but they disappear the moment Zitao steps out the door.
As the door closes, Yifan breathes out. This time, it's really over.
• fin.
a/n: i've had this idea for over half a year, so i'm really glad to get this out. and i miss taoris ;_; thanks for reading!