Fic: Doughnut Dealings
The alien sex doughnuts invade another fandom!
Title: Doughnut Dealings
Rating: PG
Fandom: Discworld
Characters: Nobby and Carrot, insinuated Carrot/Vimes (which is completely not my secret Discworld otp)
Summary: Corporal Nobbs is caught by Captain Carrot on his way to the Pink Pussy Cat Club
Disclaimer: If this is going to make any sense, you need to be familiar with donutsweeper's alien doughnut-verse, found at alien_donuts
Genre: Crack of the finest kind.
“Corporal Nobbs! Stop right there.”
Nobby peered innocently around the stack of cardboard boxes he was carrying. “Yes, boss?” he said, innocence (amongst other things) oozing from every pore.
Captain Carrot tapped the lid of one of the boxes. “What have you got there?”
“Nothing, boss.”
“It’s a very conspicuous nothing, Nobby. What’s in these boxes?”
“Honest, sir. It’s nothing. Just snacks.”
Captain Carrot raised his eyebrows. “You’ve got eight boxes there, Nobby. Is it all for you?”
“Nossir, of course not. I was going to take them down to the Pink Pussycat club and share them out.”
The captain raised the lid of the top box. It turned out to be crammed full of delicious smelling, powdered sugar-covered doughnuts. He put the lid back down again.
“Well, I’ll tell you what, Nobby. I’m just on my way to a meeting with Mister Vimes, and you know he won’t have stopped for breakfast yet, so why don’t you let me buy a box from you?”
Nobby’s eyes widened in terror, as the horrific images danced in his mind’s eye. “Nossir!” he shouted. “I do not think that is a good idea! At all!”
“Come on, Nobby. It’s for Mister Vimes.” Carrot pulled a large, shiny coin out of his pocket. “I’ll give you a whole dollar for one box.”
The not-exactly-gold gleamed in the light. Nobby’s eyes followed it as Carrot waved it back and forth. It was very, very tempting.
And, after all, it wouldn’t be his problem, would it?
“One box,” he said, cautiously.
“That’s right, Nobby.”
“And you’ll… have the door locked during this meeting, right?”
“Oh, I should think so,” said Carrot, cheerfully.
“All right. But just… Don’t blame me!” Nobby shoved one of the boxes into Carrot’s arms, snatched the dollar, and scurried for the door.
As he scuttled down the road, pausing every so often to regain his balance under the stack of boxes, he started to grin.
Even after all this time, he had to keep reminding himself that Captain Carrot was nowhere near as obtuse as he appeared…
Oh, this was going to be interesting.
Title: Doughnut Dealings
Rating: PG
Fandom: Discworld
Characters: Nobby and Carrot, insinuated Carrot/Vimes (which is completely not my secret Discworld otp)
Summary: Corporal Nobbs is caught by Captain Carrot on his way to the Pink Pussy Cat Club
Disclaimer: If this is going to make any sense, you need to be familiar with donutsweeper's alien doughnut-verse, found at alien_donuts
Genre: Crack of the finest kind.
“Corporal Nobbs! Stop right there.”
Nobby peered innocently around the stack of cardboard boxes he was carrying. “Yes, boss?” he said, innocence (amongst other things) oozing from every pore.
Captain Carrot tapped the lid of one of the boxes. “What have you got there?”
“Nothing, boss.”
“It’s a very conspicuous nothing, Nobby. What’s in these boxes?”
“Honest, sir. It’s nothing. Just snacks.”
Captain Carrot raised his eyebrows. “You’ve got eight boxes there, Nobby. Is it all for you?”
“Nossir, of course not. I was going to take them down to the Pink Pussycat club and share them out.”
The captain raised the lid of the top box. It turned out to be crammed full of delicious smelling, powdered sugar-covered doughnuts. He put the lid back down again.
“Well, I’ll tell you what, Nobby. I’m just on my way to a meeting with Mister Vimes, and you know he won’t have stopped for breakfast yet, so why don’t you let me buy a box from you?”
Nobby’s eyes widened in terror, as the horrific images danced in his mind’s eye. “Nossir!” he shouted. “I do not think that is a good idea! At all!”
“Come on, Nobby. It’s for Mister Vimes.” Carrot pulled a large, shiny coin out of his pocket. “I’ll give you a whole dollar for one box.”
The not-exactly-gold gleamed in the light. Nobby’s eyes followed it as Carrot waved it back and forth. It was very, very tempting.
And, after all, it wouldn’t be his problem, would it?
“One box,” he said, cautiously.
“That’s right, Nobby.”
“And you’ll… have the door locked during this meeting, right?”
“Oh, I should think so,” said Carrot, cheerfully.
“All right. But just… Don’t blame me!” Nobby shoved one of the boxes into Carrot’s arms, snatched the dollar, and scurried for the door.
As he scuttled down the road, pausing every so often to regain his balance under the stack of boxes, he started to grin.
Even after all this time, he had to keep reminding himself that Captain Carrot was nowhere near as obtuse as he appeared…
Oh, this was going to be interesting.