Comments | theun4givables: LJ Idol Season 9, Week 04, "Nobody can ride your back if your back's not bent."

theun4givables

LJ Idol Season 9, Week 04, "Nobody can ride your back if your back's not bent."

Apr 06, 2014 09:26

Ryan stood in front of his childhood home and pulled the hood of his jacket tighter around his face. The wind caused the leaves in the yard to dance, lifting them and depositing them elsewhere. As he watched the leaves continue their play, Ryan shivered and crossed his arms over his chest.

( It had been years since he stood in front of this house. )

original fiction, lji: season 9, character: ryan, novel: seize the day, rating: pg-13

Comments 57

similiesslip April 6 2014, 14:31:08 UTC

Wow, now I want to read more of your novel! I'm glad you have tagged this so hopefully I can find some. It is such a primal thing, the "draw" to home.

I like how you wrote this.

theun4givables April 6 2014, 14:36:00 UTC

Aww, thanks. :) Unfortunately, this novel is in the process of getting a huge overhaul. Ryan's story is being separated from several other stories (I realized he needed a book of his own, basically), and this is the first piece I've written with the newly imagined universe in mind. All of the old pieces under this tag are from the old versions, which included Jazz and Savin (who now have their own universe to play in, separate from Ryan's own). So you probably won't find much! (But that's what Idol is for -- me figuring more stuff out about Ryan's world, in particular. :D)

Thank you! I couldn't unsee the overlap of one of his mother's speeches and Ryan's return home, so I tried my best to make it work.

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theun4givables April 6 2014, 15:28:16 UTC

Yay! I'm happy you're happy! :D

Ryan's been kinda dormant. But this topic just fit him and his story so well, I couldn't resist prodding him awake...

elledanger April 6 2014, 16:10:33 UTC

OOoh interesting structure going on. I enjoyed the way you wove the flashback?? of his mothers words into the story you were telling.

theun4givables April 6 2014, 16:24:14 UTC

Thank you. :) and yes, that is a flashback to his mother's last words. I'm glad that it worked for you.

ohelectricshock April 6 2014, 16:25:37 UTC

Oh wow, this was incredible. I would love to read more of Ryan's story.

theun4givables April 6 2014, 16:40:26 UTC

Thank you! :)

I think Ryan's story is ready for me to rediscover it, so maybe we'll see more of him in the upcoming weeks.

eska818 April 6 2014, 18:02:54 UTC

There's a lot of potential here, I think. You have a tendency to use repetitive imagery and redundant statements, and I feel like these clog up the pace of the story.

I love this character though, he feels so real, and the inner demons he's got going on make for a great story. Nice job. :)

theun4givables April 6 2014, 18:15:19 UTC

Oh, thank you for that -- some of the repetitive imagery is vital to backstory (his mother was killed on their porch, for example), but I'm sure there are other bits and pieces here and there that certainly DO clog down the piece, some. :) At this stage of the game, I'm still figuring out what will work for me and what won't, and sometimes the repetition works -- sometimes it doesn't. So I need some help determining when it isn't working. :)

Thank you! Ryan is one of my babies. He's been around for a while, but he never seemed to quite fit in the 'verse he was originally created for. I'm glad I'm starting to find a place for him. <3