Five Rumors Bones Heard About Jim Kirk's Massive Cock, and One That He Started (ST:XI Fanfic)
Title: Five Rumors Bones Heard About Jim Kirk’s Massive Cock, and One That He Started
Sequel to Five Times Dr. McCoy Saw Jim Kirk’s Massive Cock, and One Time Bones Did
Author: therumjournals
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot
Pairing: Kirk/Bones (pre-slash)
Rating: R for language and penile references
Word Count: 2,060
A/N: Thanks for all of the love, comments, recs, and encouragement on the last one! You guys really inspired me to continue, so I did! I promise more Jim/Bones in the next one, but in the meantime I hope you enjoy this little interlude!
1.
Bones woke up slowly on the biobed in Exam Room 4 and rubbed his eyes. Fuck. Biobed naps - just one in the long list of bad habits that had been somehow inspired, encouraged, or forced upon him by Jim Kirk. He was about to sit up when he heard the door slide open, followed by the sound of voices in the hall.
“Well, I’ve actually seen it,” Dr. M’Benga was saying, “and there is no way that thing is all natural.” McCoy squinted. He really hoped they weren’t talking about what he thought they were talking about.
“Seriously,” Geoff continued. “I’ve seen a lot of genitals-“ McCoy grinned a little at that “-but I’ve never seen anything that big.”
“So, what are you saying?” someone responded - McCoy had the distinct feeling that it was a young and impressionable cadet - “Do you think he, like, had it enhanced or something?”
“Well,” began M’Benga, dropping his voice. McCoy pulled himself into a sitting position, straining to hear. “He came in here last year after getting stabbed by a broken bottle. The official report says he got slashed in the thigh, but it was his friend McCoy who patched him up. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if the damage was a little worse, if you know what I mean. Bet McCoy hooked him up with a black-market prosthetic or something.”
“GEOFF!” McCoy couldn’t help himself.
M’Benga jumped about a foot in the air and came down blushing hard. “Oh, uh, hey, Dr. McCoy. I didn’t see you there.”
“Obviously,” said McCoy with a scowl. He walked over to the doorway where they were standing. “Now, if you would excuse me, I have to go put in my weekly black market order. I hear China just perfected a new 20 inch model. Anyone need an upgrade?” He pushed past them into the hall, leaving them gaping open-mouthed behind him as he headed for the nearest bottle of whiskey.
2.
“Hi Dr. McCoy. Anyone sitting here?”
“No, no, have a seat Tracy.”
The tall blonde nurse joined him at a table in the Med Center cafeteria. She pushed her food around on her plate for a moment before setting her fork down, leaning her elbows on the table, and looking earnestly at McCoy.
“Doctor, you’re Jim Kirk’s roommate, aren’t you?”
McCoy rolled his eyes. Here we go again. He’d quickly gotten used to that conversation starter, and the inevitable theme of the questions that usually followed.
“Yes I am.”
“Sooo….umm….he seems nice.”
“I’m not commenting on any parts of my roommate’s anatomy, Tracy.”
A blush crept over Tracy’s cheeks. “Okay,” she said, staring down at her plate with a grin. She looked up again almost immediately. “It’s just that, I heard this rumor, and the nurses have got kind of a bet going and we thought maybe you could tell us - is it true that the Academy had to order him special uniform pants so…ya know…it would fit?”
McCoy felt his eyebrows climb to the top of his forehead. That was a new one.
“Uhh…no. No, that’s definitely not true. He has the same uniform pants as everyone else. They’re just….a little snug.” Now it was McCoy’s turn to blush furiously. Goddammit, this was just what he needed, a clear-as-day image of Jim Kirk’s bulge rushing to fill the entire space of his mind. He squirmed a little in his seat as he scooped up a forkful of mashed potatoes. It could have been worse, he supposed. At least it wasn’t sausage day.
***
Bones was standing in front of Jim’s closet when the door slid open and Jim walked into the room. Dammit. He could have sworn Jim had another hour of class today. He tried to act casual. “Hey Jim!”
“Hey Bones,” Jim said, glancing at him, then turning back to flop down onto the bed. Bones breathed a sigh of relief. “Bones?”
“Yeah, Jim?”
“Is there a reason you’re wearing my pants?”
3.
The cadet in Exam Room 1 appeared nervous as Dr. McCoy pulled up his file.
“What can I help you with today, Cadet?” McCoy asked.
“I, uh, I need…the purple mushroom.”
“The what now?”
“The, uh…ya know, the purple mushroom? I was hoping you could help me out.” The cadet bit his fingernail and his eyes shifted back and forth.
McCoy scowled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Is that some sort of drug? A hallucinogenic or maybe one of those performance enhancers?”
The kid’s eyes lit up. “Yeah,” he said, winking. “A performance enhancer, sure.”
McCoy scowled even harder. “Kid, do I look like a drug dealer? Look, if you need some sort of sleep aid or a detox hypo, I can help you out. Otherwise, the Academy Med Center isn’t really in the business of distributing illegal substances.”
“But you gave it to Jim Kirk!” the cadet exclaimed, immediately looking like he regretted it. McCoy shook his head in disbelief. Of course. He should have seen that one coming.
“For Christ’s sake, what is it this time?”
“What is what?”
“What are they saying now, about Jim Kirk and…performance enhancers?”
“Some cadets told me that you gave him some sort of alien drug, or, like, a DNA injection or something. And that’s the reason for his huge-“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” McCoy said, holding up a hand to stop him. “And?”
“And they said that if I came here and asked you for the purple mushroom, you would know what I was talking about and help me out.”
“Oh! THAT purple mushroom?!” McCoy said, turning away from the cadet before he rolled his eyes. He turned back with a hypo in his hand. “Here, this is exactly what you need!”
“Really?”
“No, not really!! They’re fucking with you, kid.”
“Then what’s in the hypo?” he asked as McCoy pressed it to his neck.
“It’s an anti-gullibility drug. Now get the fuck out of my office.” He said it nicely, he thought.
The cadet nodded furiously. “Okay. Thanks Doc!” He headed for the door.
“Uh huh. Now go back to class. And stop thinking about Jim Kirk’s cock!” he yelled down the hall.
He turned back into the exam room, shaking his head. Now if only he could follow his own advice.
4.
“So McCoy…”
Bones looked wearily up from his Advanced Xenobiology notes. “What’s up, Will?”
“You’re Jim Kirk’s roommate, right?”
“If I say no, will you stop talking?”
“Nope.”
“Fine.”
“Is it true what they say about him?”
“Yes. He’s an egotistical overachieving punk.”
“I mean, about his cock.”
“Of course you do. In which case, I would respectfully ask you to keep me out of the raging vortex of rumors, half-truths and lies that an entire campus of otherwise intelligent students insists on propagating.”
"So it’s big, huh?”
“Spare me.” McCoy looked up at the ceiling and asked himself again why he couldn’t have taken the next shuttle to Starfleet.
“Know who I hear's gotten a taste of that?"
Bones buried his face in his hands. "Please don't tell me."
Will leaned closer. "Lieutenant Uhura."
Bones choked on a laugh. He picked up his PADD and started typing frantically.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm scheduling you for a mental health evaluation."
"What? Why?"
"Because if you actually believe that Jim Kirk would let Lieutenant Uhura anywhere near his dick, you must be certifiably insane."
“Why, she’s totally hot! Every guy on campus has a crush on her!”
“Oh, and I’m sure Jim does, too. But you know what he has a bigger crush on?” He was tempted to say ‘the captain’ but thought better of it. “I’ll give you a clue, it’s as big as his ego. And let’s just say that Uhura enjoys stomping all over Kirk’s ego whenever she has the opportunity. Catch my drift?”
Will nodded and squeezed his legs together protectively.
Bones felt mildly victorious at having shut down that rumor. He wasn’t necessarily sure Jim would agree.
5.
Bones had resigned himself to the fact that he couldn’t avoid the rumors about Jim’s massive cock. He’d even gotten over his initial surprise that both men and women seemed equally interested in speculating about its various properties and accomplishments. But that didn’t stop him from going into complete shock when he heard the words fall from the lips of a child - a child! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a child, since he was wearing the standard issue cadet’s uniform, but still, he must have been some kind of prodigy, because he looked about twelve. Bones sincerely doubted the kid had even hit puberty and yet here he was, sitting in the row in front of him, leaning over to talk to his friend about everyone’s favorite topic.
"I have seen it," the kid said in a low voice.
"Yeah, right."
"No I have! Is wery famous in Russia!"
"Jim Kirk's dick is famous in Russia?"
"Oh yes."
"How do you know? Are you even old enough to know what a dick is?”
The tiny cadet punched his friend in the arm. "My friends send me! The pictures only," he added, looking a little sad. "I have never seen the wideo."
Another cadet, this one sitting next to Bones, leaned forward. “Hey! Are you guys talking about Jim Kirk’s massive cock?”
Bones put his face in his hands and groaned. Why was this happening to him?
“Yeah,” responded the kid’s friend. “Chekov here says his dick is huge in Russia.”
The cadet next to Bones winked. “I hear it’s huge everywhere.”
With a growl of frustration, McCoy got up and moved down the row until he was out of earshot. He watched as the three cadets continued their conversation, their heads close together. Crazy little Russian kid, McCoy thought crankily. Wait - had he said something about a video?
+1
Bones leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head and a satisfied smirk on his face. The Med Center administrators had finally deemed him worthy of his own office. Granted, the office was the size of a closet and came with about three times more paperwork, but hell, McCoy had never minded taking inventory, and seeing his name on the door gave him a satisfying sense of authority. He probably would have changed his mind had he considered the fact that having his name on the door might as well have been a flashing neon sign that read “Ask me about Jim Kirk’s massive cock!”
He heard whispers in the hallway, and almost didn’t have to hear the words to know what they were saying.
“You ask him.”
“Hell no! You ask!”
Bones rolled his eyes and winced. Ow. He had to stop doing that or he was going to get a migraine again. He tapped his fingers on the desk as he waited for the two cadets to peer shyly into his office.
“Um, hi. Are you Leonard McCoy?”
“That’s Dr. McCoy to you, and yes I am, as you can clearly see since my name is on the door.” He was still kind of proud of that.
“You’re Jim Kirk’s roommate, right?” Jesus the little snots were getting bold. Usually they would at least attempt to fake him out with some kind of medical question first.
Bones sighed. “Yes.”
“We were just wondering, um, is it true that-“
“Yes, it’s true.”
“It is?!” They seemed surprised.
“Yep. I mean, I assume you were going to ask about the tribes of Phallorius.”
“Pha…what?”
“Oh, sorry. I thought you were asking whether it’s true that certain tribes of the planet Phallorius worship Jim Kirk’s cock as their god.”
“They…do?”
“Yep. They bow down before its image and drink to it before every meal. There are also a number of followers in Russia.”
“Actually, we were just going to ask if he needs specially ordered uniform pants.”
“Oh. No, that one’s totally false. Regular pants, tight fit.”
“Right. Wow. Okay, well, I guess we’ll be going now.”
“I think that would be best.”
The cadets backed out of the room, their eyes wide with…well, Bones decided to just go ahead and assume it was admiration. That had been fun, he reflected with a smile.
***
Two days later, Bones found himself eating in the mess hall next to a table full of giggling female cadets. He couldn’t help but grin smugly to himself when he distinctly overheard one of them say, in an almost reverent whisper, “Worshipped as a god?!”
Next! Five Times Bones Didn’t See Jim Kirk’s Massive Cock, and One Time He Didn’t Need To
Sequel to Five Times Dr. McCoy Saw Jim Kirk’s Massive Cock, and One Time Bones Did
Author: therumjournals
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot
Pairing: Kirk/Bones (pre-slash)
Rating: R for language and penile references
Word Count: 2,060
A/N: Thanks for all of the love, comments, recs, and encouragement on the last one! You guys really inspired me to continue, so I did! I promise more Jim/Bones in the next one, but in the meantime I hope you enjoy this little interlude!
1.
Bones woke up slowly on the biobed in Exam Room 4 and rubbed his eyes. Fuck. Biobed naps - just one in the long list of bad habits that had been somehow inspired, encouraged, or forced upon him by Jim Kirk. He was about to sit up when he heard the door slide open, followed by the sound of voices in the hall.
“Well, I’ve actually seen it,” Dr. M’Benga was saying, “and there is no way that thing is all natural.” McCoy squinted. He really hoped they weren’t talking about what he thought they were talking about.
“Seriously,” Geoff continued. “I’ve seen a lot of genitals-“ McCoy grinned a little at that “-but I’ve never seen anything that big.”
“So, what are you saying?” someone responded - McCoy had the distinct feeling that it was a young and impressionable cadet - “Do you think he, like, had it enhanced or something?”
“Well,” began M’Benga, dropping his voice. McCoy pulled himself into a sitting position, straining to hear. “He came in here last year after getting stabbed by a broken bottle. The official report says he got slashed in the thigh, but it was his friend McCoy who patched him up. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if the damage was a little worse, if you know what I mean. Bet McCoy hooked him up with a black-market prosthetic or something.”
“GEOFF!” McCoy couldn’t help himself.
M’Benga jumped about a foot in the air and came down blushing hard. “Oh, uh, hey, Dr. McCoy. I didn’t see you there.”
“Obviously,” said McCoy with a scowl. He walked over to the doorway where they were standing. “Now, if you would excuse me, I have to go put in my weekly black market order. I hear China just perfected a new 20 inch model. Anyone need an upgrade?” He pushed past them into the hall, leaving them gaping open-mouthed behind him as he headed for the nearest bottle of whiskey.
2.
“Hi Dr. McCoy. Anyone sitting here?”
“No, no, have a seat Tracy.”
The tall blonde nurse joined him at a table in the Med Center cafeteria. She pushed her food around on her plate for a moment before setting her fork down, leaning her elbows on the table, and looking earnestly at McCoy.
“Doctor, you’re Jim Kirk’s roommate, aren’t you?”
McCoy rolled his eyes. Here we go again. He’d quickly gotten used to that conversation starter, and the inevitable theme of the questions that usually followed.
“Yes I am.”
“Sooo….umm….he seems nice.”
“I’m not commenting on any parts of my roommate’s anatomy, Tracy.”
A blush crept over Tracy’s cheeks. “Okay,” she said, staring down at her plate with a grin. She looked up again almost immediately. “It’s just that, I heard this rumor, and the nurses have got kind of a bet going and we thought maybe you could tell us - is it true that the Academy had to order him special uniform pants so…ya know…it would fit?”
McCoy felt his eyebrows climb to the top of his forehead. That was a new one.
“Uhh…no. No, that’s definitely not true. He has the same uniform pants as everyone else. They’re just….a little snug.” Now it was McCoy’s turn to blush furiously. Goddammit, this was just what he needed, a clear-as-day image of Jim Kirk’s bulge rushing to fill the entire space of his mind. He squirmed a little in his seat as he scooped up a forkful of mashed potatoes. It could have been worse, he supposed. At least it wasn’t sausage day.
***
Bones was standing in front of Jim’s closet when the door slid open and Jim walked into the room. Dammit. He could have sworn Jim had another hour of class today. He tried to act casual. “Hey Jim!”
“Hey Bones,” Jim said, glancing at him, then turning back to flop down onto the bed. Bones breathed a sigh of relief. “Bones?”
“Yeah, Jim?”
“Is there a reason you’re wearing my pants?”
3.
The cadet in Exam Room 1 appeared nervous as Dr. McCoy pulled up his file.
“What can I help you with today, Cadet?” McCoy asked.
“I, uh, I need…the purple mushroom.”
“The what now?”
“The, uh…ya know, the purple mushroom? I was hoping you could help me out.” The cadet bit his fingernail and his eyes shifted back and forth.
McCoy scowled. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Is that some sort of drug? A hallucinogenic or maybe one of those performance enhancers?”
The kid’s eyes lit up. “Yeah,” he said, winking. “A performance enhancer, sure.”
McCoy scowled even harder. “Kid, do I look like a drug dealer? Look, if you need some sort of sleep aid or a detox hypo, I can help you out. Otherwise, the Academy Med Center isn’t really in the business of distributing illegal substances.”
“But you gave it to Jim Kirk!” the cadet exclaimed, immediately looking like he regretted it. McCoy shook his head in disbelief. Of course. He should have seen that one coming.
“For Christ’s sake, what is it this time?”
“What is what?”
“What are they saying now, about Jim Kirk and…performance enhancers?”
“Some cadets told me that you gave him some sort of alien drug, or, like, a DNA injection or something. And that’s the reason for his huge-“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” McCoy said, holding up a hand to stop him. “And?”
“And they said that if I came here and asked you for the purple mushroom, you would know what I was talking about and help me out.”
“Oh! THAT purple mushroom?!” McCoy said, turning away from the cadet before he rolled his eyes. He turned back with a hypo in his hand. “Here, this is exactly what you need!”
“Really?”
“No, not really!! They’re fucking with you, kid.”
“Then what’s in the hypo?” he asked as McCoy pressed it to his neck.
“It’s an anti-gullibility drug. Now get the fuck out of my office.” He said it nicely, he thought.
The cadet nodded furiously. “Okay. Thanks Doc!” He headed for the door.
“Uh huh. Now go back to class. And stop thinking about Jim Kirk’s cock!” he yelled down the hall.
He turned back into the exam room, shaking his head. Now if only he could follow his own advice.
4.
“So McCoy…”
Bones looked wearily up from his Advanced Xenobiology notes. “What’s up, Will?”
“You’re Jim Kirk’s roommate, right?”
“If I say no, will you stop talking?”
“Nope.”
“Fine.”
“Is it true what they say about him?”
“Yes. He’s an egotistical overachieving punk.”
“I mean, about his cock.”
“Of course you do. In which case, I would respectfully ask you to keep me out of the raging vortex of rumors, half-truths and lies that an entire campus of otherwise intelligent students insists on propagating.”
"So it’s big, huh?”
“Spare me.” McCoy looked up at the ceiling and asked himself again why he couldn’t have taken the next shuttle to Starfleet.
“Know who I hear's gotten a taste of that?"
Bones buried his face in his hands. "Please don't tell me."
Will leaned closer. "Lieutenant Uhura."
Bones choked on a laugh. He picked up his PADD and started typing frantically.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm scheduling you for a mental health evaluation."
"What? Why?"
"Because if you actually believe that Jim Kirk would let Lieutenant Uhura anywhere near his dick, you must be certifiably insane."
“Why, she’s totally hot! Every guy on campus has a crush on her!”
“Oh, and I’m sure Jim does, too. But you know what he has a bigger crush on?” He was tempted to say ‘the captain’ but thought better of it. “I’ll give you a clue, it’s as big as his ego. And let’s just say that Uhura enjoys stomping all over Kirk’s ego whenever she has the opportunity. Catch my drift?”
Will nodded and squeezed his legs together protectively.
Bones felt mildly victorious at having shut down that rumor. He wasn’t necessarily sure Jim would agree.
5.
Bones had resigned himself to the fact that he couldn’t avoid the rumors about Jim’s massive cock. He’d even gotten over his initial surprise that both men and women seemed equally interested in speculating about its various properties and accomplishments. But that didn’t stop him from going into complete shock when he heard the words fall from the lips of a child - a child! Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a child, since he was wearing the standard issue cadet’s uniform, but still, he must have been some kind of prodigy, because he looked about twelve. Bones sincerely doubted the kid had even hit puberty and yet here he was, sitting in the row in front of him, leaning over to talk to his friend about everyone’s favorite topic.
"I have seen it," the kid said in a low voice.
"Yeah, right."
"No I have! Is wery famous in Russia!"
"Jim Kirk's dick is famous in Russia?"
"Oh yes."
"How do you know? Are you even old enough to know what a dick is?”
The tiny cadet punched his friend in the arm. "My friends send me! The pictures only," he added, looking a little sad. "I have never seen the wideo."
Another cadet, this one sitting next to Bones, leaned forward. “Hey! Are you guys talking about Jim Kirk’s massive cock?”
Bones put his face in his hands and groaned. Why was this happening to him?
“Yeah,” responded the kid’s friend. “Chekov here says his dick is huge in Russia.”
The cadet next to Bones winked. “I hear it’s huge everywhere.”
With a growl of frustration, McCoy got up and moved down the row until he was out of earshot. He watched as the three cadets continued their conversation, their heads close together. Crazy little Russian kid, McCoy thought crankily. Wait - had he said something about a video?
+1
Bones leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head and a satisfied smirk on his face. The Med Center administrators had finally deemed him worthy of his own office. Granted, the office was the size of a closet and came with about three times more paperwork, but hell, McCoy had never minded taking inventory, and seeing his name on the door gave him a satisfying sense of authority. He probably would have changed his mind had he considered the fact that having his name on the door might as well have been a flashing neon sign that read “Ask me about Jim Kirk’s massive cock!”
He heard whispers in the hallway, and almost didn’t have to hear the words to know what they were saying.
“You ask him.”
“Hell no! You ask!”
Bones rolled his eyes and winced. Ow. He had to stop doing that or he was going to get a migraine again. He tapped his fingers on the desk as he waited for the two cadets to peer shyly into his office.
“Um, hi. Are you Leonard McCoy?”
“That’s Dr. McCoy to you, and yes I am, as you can clearly see since my name is on the door.” He was still kind of proud of that.
“You’re Jim Kirk’s roommate, right?” Jesus the little snots were getting bold. Usually they would at least attempt to fake him out with some kind of medical question first.
Bones sighed. “Yes.”
“We were just wondering, um, is it true that-“
“Yes, it’s true.”
“It is?!” They seemed surprised.
“Yep. I mean, I assume you were going to ask about the tribes of Phallorius.”
“Pha…what?”
“Oh, sorry. I thought you were asking whether it’s true that certain tribes of the planet Phallorius worship Jim Kirk’s cock as their god.”
“They…do?”
“Yep. They bow down before its image and drink to it before every meal. There are also a number of followers in Russia.”
“Actually, we were just going to ask if he needs specially ordered uniform pants.”
“Oh. No, that one’s totally false. Regular pants, tight fit.”
“Right. Wow. Okay, well, I guess we’ll be going now.”
“I think that would be best.”
The cadets backed out of the room, their eyes wide with…well, Bones decided to just go ahead and assume it was admiration. That had been fun, he reflected with a smile.
***
Two days later, Bones found himself eating in the mess hall next to a table full of giggling female cadets. He couldn’t help but grin smugly to himself when he distinctly overheard one of them say, in an almost reverent whisper, “Worshipped as a god?!”
Next! Five Times Bones Didn’t See Jim Kirk’s Massive Cock, and One Time He Didn’t Need To