[One-shot] Love is not what you see, but what you feel (Part 1)
Title: Love is not what you see, but what you feel (Part 1)
Pairing: Ohmiya, Juntoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Angst
Length: ~11,500
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
Summary: Two persons with two different lives; they were bound to each other because of an invisible connection, and they had never known what it would lead them to...
A/N: As usual, this is beta-ed by potatoos , love you <3. This time, I really don't know how to summarize it... The idea came and all I did was writing it down. Hope you'll enjoy it ^-^, one more one-shot made me cry when I was writing it, but I really enjoyed my time writing this one! Comments are loved <333333.
Spring, Year 1, Ninomiya Kazunari.
He was laying silently on the hospital bed, his eyes closed and other senses concentrating on the movements around him - the whispering around the hospital yard, and the chirping of the birds which were on the highest branches near the opened window beside his left arm. He turned his head towards the warmth of the sunlight, which was shining weakly through the fabric curtains covering the window. He could feel the traces of light gently stroking his cheeks encouragingly, and he opened his eyes as an instinctive reflex.
He couldn’t see anything around him.
It was all darkness, but not threatening unlike what he had always heard, this was totally different. It was familiar and strangely comfortable; it was his only companion throughout the years. He couldn’t really remember when all of this happened, except that it happened when he was a child. He remembered his parents arguing, his sister crying and he himself was frightened as he stared from one parent to the other. They hadn’t paid much attention to him, as they had gotten into a fight: he heard his mother’s screams, saw his father slapping her with his big, ugly hand, and then disappearing behind the door. He remembered seeing his mom sitting on the couch, her hands covering her bruised face, and his sister wrapping her tiny arms around their mom. He remembered his legs had suddenly come alive, as he found himself running after his father. He had spotted him crossing the road, and his throat had been locked with fear and tears and many unnamed feelings so that even though he had opened his mouth, no sound came out. And he ran, using all the strength his tiny legs would give him, towards his father’s disappearing silhouette. He hadn’t realized the red signal, or had he seen the huge truck approaching, but there was a loud thump, or more like a shrill explosion, and he was plunged into darkness.
The next time he opened his eyes, he saw only thick darkness. It wasn’t the dark of the night, nor was it the darkness in a huge theater when they were turning off the lights for the next performance. It was a darkness without any signs of light or any movement. He put in all efforts in raising his hand and waving it in front of his eyes, but still he could see nothing. He closed his eyes again, hoping that this was just a dream. However when he opened them, darkness still surrounded him, as if he was swallowed by a fiend and was now struggling inside it, without any idea of getting out.
And the truth hit him, fearful and desperate. He could not see from now on - the doctor had said, and he felt the words fading as he was staring into blank space. He lifted his hand quietly, and touched his eyes with a vague feeling of regret. He could hear his mom and sister sobbing somewhere beside him, and his hand naturally stretched out to find them. It was his sister who took one hand immediately, and his mother took the other. Together, they squeezed his hands as silence fell between them.
“I’m alright,” He finally said, his eyes emotionless as he was staring into his own space, where nothing remained for him, nor was there space for anyone to enter. “I’m really alright”.
He didn’t cry - there was no use crying, but he could feel a huge void inside his heart that nobody could enter to touch his feeble soul. He knew that his mom and his sister were always worried about him - they were beside him as much as they could. His mother had quit her work to take care of him full time, and he felt so guilty that he desperately learnt to do everything by himself so that he wouldn’t be a burden to his mother.
The door opened gently and he felt somebody was beside him. He raised his eyebrows questioningly when he heard the nurse’s soft voice.
“Ninomiya-san, we found available cornea that are the suitable for you. We already have the donor’s agreement. Do you want to take this chance? We will check to make sure if it works for you.”
He smiled and turned his head towards where he assumed she was standing, and nodded slightly. For more than ten years living of in darkness, he could finally see again. He had forgotten all the things that he wasn’t supposed to forget: his mother’s kind face, his sister’s sulk whenever he took over her toys - though it had happened many years before, and surely his sister was no longer a little girl now. And more than anything, he had completely forgotten his face - he wasn’t sure if he could even recognize himself.
He felt the door closed as the nurse went out, and he closed his eyes again, feeling the warmth and hope dancing in his heart. Maybe after the surgery, he could see how the sunlight shining on his cheeks was like, or how the chirping birds that he had always listened to from the window looked like.
Maybe a colorful world would be presented to him, replacing the darkness that was in his mind.
Spring, Year 1, Ohno Satoshi.
He sat at the station, his eyes darting around anxiously, seeking for his partner amongst the noisy crowd of people during rush hour. He watched as the doors to the subway opened and a never-ending line of people flowed out of it, moving hurriedly in the hot and muggy air. He wiped away sweat from his forehead, and looked at his watch impatiently. Jun had never been late, so it was really weird that half an hour had passed with Jun being nowhere in sight. He tugged out his cell phone, hoping for a message or missed call from Jun apologizing that he was caught up with work and would try his best to go there as soon as possible. But, there was nothing. Jun’s face appeared on his handphone screen, grinning at him, his eyes sparkling with the innocent light that Ohno had fallen in love with at first sight. His lips curved into a slight smile, but were immediately replaced with worry: if Jun were late, he’d definitely call.
He was about to search for Jun’s number when the phone rang, and he sighed in relief when he saw Jun’s face appear on the screen.
“Moshi moshi, Jun-kun?” He said cheerfully.
But it wasn’t Jun. A stranger’s voice was talking to him, informing him about something. He found himself frozen at his spot. As if the whole world had disappeared, there he was standing alone in the middle of a huge endless road, seeing Jun being hit by a crazy motorbike from behind and it was too late to bring him to the hospital. Jun couldn’t be saved, that was what the man was telling him, but Ohno felt like he was making no sense. Jun could never die.
No, because Jun was strong, unbelievable strong, and nothing - even death - could drag him away from this life.
No, because Jun loved him so much, and Jun couldn’t simply leave him just like that. Not when they were supposed to be on a date today.
And no, because he loved Jun so much. He could never let Jun go. Never.
He ran with all his strength to the hospital. His lungs screaming for air, his limps were exhausted but he kept on running, as though his life depended on it.
“Ohno-san, please listen to us!” The doctor insisted, but Ohno felt like the doctor’s voice was far away. Jun’s death was the only thing that meant something to him, and he stood rooted to the ground and stared into space, feeling both physical and mental pain pierced through his heart.
“We’ve tried our best, but… his head was slammed against the kerb… Blood was everywhere. We couldn’t do more about it.”
Ohno said nothing. He didn’t want to think about the impossible, but it was clear, painfully clear. Jun was gone.
“And… I have some matters to discuss with you …Matsumoto-san had signed this a year before. I know that this is hard for you, but will you respect Matsumoto-san’s wish? This must be decided as soon as possible - there’s a person who needs it urgently.”
He raised his head; it was the first time he seemed to pay attention to what the doctor was saying. He stared blankly at the words. They were meaningless to him, but at the bottom right of the document was Jun’s signature. Something about letting the hospital use his organs to save other people. He had never heard Jun talk about this before. Maybe Jun was scared that he would protest?
Which was exactly what he wanted to do right now. What would they do to Jun? …Dissect him immediately after his death? Take his organs to give other patients? What was the meaning of saving someone, if Jun was no longer alive?
But it was Jun’s wish; he wanted to do this. Ohno closed his eyes, feeling pain and a little betrayal as he held back the confusion and anger. He shoved the paper back to the doctor, sighed in exhaustion, and mumbled.
“Just do whatever he wanted, sensei” He bit his lips, “He wanted this.”
The doctor took back the paper, said thank you and placed a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. Then, he left hurriedly to prepare for the next surgery. Ohno looked away. He stood up shakily, and tried his best to move away. He took one last look at his lover before his body was pulled along the lobby, preparing for the surgery. A white blanket covered from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes. Ohno stared as the signal for the operating theatre lit up again, feeling that his heart had stopped beating.
Autumn, Year 1, Ninomiya Kazunari.
“Be careful, dear.”
“I’m okay.”
He was walking along the busiest ward in the city, which was always full of people. The crowd made it a beautiful scene that he opened his eyes widely, trying to take in the lively world around him, eagerness glittering in his deep brown eyes. It was the first time he was allowed to step outside the hospital, when his doctor had made sure that he could use the grafted cornea as normally as possible. He turned his head from right to left, feeling as excited as he had been on his first day of school, as though he had just discovered a new world. Not a vague and dark and lonely one, but colorful, lively and energetic. The sun shone happily above his head - exactly as he had remembered how gold the rims of the sunlight were and how much he had loved it; with the white clouds hovering in the blue sky, and the green trees with their branches, leaves, bugs and flowers. Now he could see his mother’s face clearly; her deep brown eyes were full of love and he could understand how much she had sacrificed for him: her career, her freedom, her life. He suddenly turned to her and hugged her tightly with his unsaid appreciation, startling her but she quickly regained her composure and wrapped her arms around him in a gentle embrace. He pulled back, his eyes focused on the road, the sea of people, and the tall buildings standing next to one other - he had never imagine how much the world had changed since the last time he saw it with his own eyes.
They walked around hand in hand; his mother seemed a little tired after taking such a long walk, and with Nino asking her endless questions like a child. But seeing her son’s happy face made her heart warm up and she couldn’t remember being this happy for many years. So she answered his questions as enthusiastically as she could, and staring at his lovely face for most of the time.
“Mom, I want to go there” Nino pointed his finger at a small coffee shop, his eyes sparkling under the sunlight.
They entered the cozy shop together, a welcoming feeling rushed over Nino’s body so that he felt relaxed immediately. All excitement subsided, and he felt at peace, as if he had returned home. He looked around the shop which was decorated by many hand-painted pictures hanging on the wall, their colors dazzled Nino.
Strangely, he found all these familiar.
Not that he had seen all these before - he never could have, not with his eyes that could not see. But now that he finally could, the whole scene looked familiar, including the decoration. The bluish-violet picture depicting blurred faces of two people was hanging over a small table at the half-hidden corner, and he immediately walked towards it. He knew this, but he had no idea why. This was definitely his first visit to the coffee shop, and there was no reason for him to be feeling this way. He sat on the seat feeling as though it was tailored for him, and touched the cold surface of the table. He frowned in confusion - the touch didn’t feel familiar at all. It was the first time his skin made contact with this, he was sure of it. Over ten years of living in darkness helped him acquire an extraordinary sense of touch, and he would know immediately if he had ever touched something before.
His mom came beside him, feeling confused.
“Dear? Are you tired?”
“Hai? No,” He raised his head and smiled at her in assurance. “I love this place, mom.”
“I could tell,” she smiled and waved for the waiter. “You came immediately to this corner when you entered. What is it that caught your eye?”
“This picture,” He nodded his head at the picture hanging on the wall. “The colors are nice. I love it.”
“Yeah.” She agreed, but was not really interested in the picture. She took the menu from the waiter, who was wearing a green apron and was grinning widely. Nino reckoned that he had heard part of their conversation.
“It’s amazing, don’t you think?” He beamed and gestured to the picture. “My friend painted it. He’s a great artist.”
“Really?” Nino’s curiousness was aroused. “Can I meet him?”
“Well, he’s working here, but it’s not his shift right now…” the waiter said thoughtfully. The first impression Nino had of this man was his blonde hair and big smile that was always on his friendly face. “You can meet him if you come back around noon.”
Nino looked at the small clock on the wall right behind the bar. It was nine at the morning, and he was free today. He looked at his mom insistently . After a minute, she reluctantly decided that it was time for her son to fall in line with communities.
“It’s okay if you want to stay to meet him,” she said, and Nino’s face brightened up. “But I need to leave around eleven. Could you go home by yourself?”
“Yeah, of course.” Nino nodded quickly. The new world was a little strange to him, but despite how it now looked, it was exactly the same as the one that he had ‘seen’ when he couldn’t use his eyes. If he was lost, all he needed to do was to close his eyes and let his instincts lead him home.
The artist came when the shop was deserted; there was barely any customer left.. Nino was sitting lazily in his seat, his fingers were playing a silent melody on the table top. He closed his eyes, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere at the shop. As he heard someone approaching, he opened his eyes slowly and looked at the waiter whom they had talked to that morning.
“Ninomiya-san.” The waiter had asked for his name earlier so that he could tell the artist who was it that wanted to meet him. He was walking towards him with a grin on his face, and a person was following behind, looking confused and worried. Nino straightened up in his seat and looked at the newcomer curiously as they neared him.
“This is the artist of the picture that you love!” The waiter exclaimed happily and stepped aside, letting Nino have a full view of the person who was standing awkwardly behind him. The artist’s brows were furrowed together as he didn’t know what was going on and why had Nino wanted to meet him. Nino didn’t know the reason either.
Nino stood up and stretched out his hand. He smiled softly at the artist. Somehow, he felt a strange familiarity when he saw the artist, as if he had seen him somewhere before. Suddenly he felt dizzy when his eyes caught the latter’s, and he drew back his hand to support himself by holding onto the table. He closed his eyes for a moment as he felt a bright, white light pierce through his eyes painfully.
The waiter caught Nino’s shoulder and asked worriedly, “Hey, are you okay?”
He nodded and blinked, then raised his head slowly to look at the confused artist standing in front of him. Again, an overwhelming sense of familiarity washed over him, and yet he didn’t know the reason why. He subconsciously reached out his hand, and was about to touch the latter’s face when he sensed the artist tensed. He immediately realized what he was doing and hastily took back his hand. The artist looked at him with mixed expressions of recognition, disbelief, gentleness and seriousness. Their eyes were locked with each other’s, and in a second Nino felt like time had temporarily stopped. He could see that the other’s gaze was focused only on his eyes though, and since he couldn’t bear the deep, insistent and desperate look anymore, he broke off their eyes contact. The waiter roved his eyes from Nino to the other man and then back again; the artist’s gaze was still fixed onto his eyes, with a weak smile on his face. Nino had to try to break the awkward silence between them.
“…Well, you know, I just wanted to meet the person who had painted that mesmerizing picture.”
“Yeah,” The artist seemed to be pulled back to reality by Nino’s comment. He darted his eyes to the picture, and then backed again at Nino. Somehow, it made Nino uneasy. “…It’s mine.”
“I love it,” Nino commented with a cheerier voice, a small smile curved up his lips. “The balance of the colors is perfect.”
“Thank you.” He only nodded.
Nino stretched out his hand again, and this time the artist took it with a little hesitance.
“I’m Ninomiya Kazunari. Nice to meet you.”
“Ohno Satoshi. Nice to meet you too.”
Winter, Year 1, Ohno Satoshi.
He was about to be late for work - it was already 2 pm and he was still on the bus stuck in the slow-moving traffic because of the snow. Sho wouldn’t be happy about it, because it was not the first time he showed up late. Not that he had intended to - he would always try to be on time but would somehow ends up late, and he apologised to Sho so many times that he lost count. But as a kind man as Sho always was, the younger man just sighed and told him to try harder.
It was nearly a year now. Everything had gone by like a blur, and when he thought about this period of his life, he remembered nothing since Jun had gone. He was like an empty shell - passing through life doing what he had to, and not actually living it. He had no motivation - he hadn’t really painted anything ever since then. The pictures, which he had drawn in the happiest time of his life, were stacked at the corner of his room, covered in a layer of silver dust. He didn’t really care - he had lost the passion in art too. Sho had once told him that he was losing himself by acting like that, and he knew that the younger man was right, but he didn’t know how to get out of this. It was an endless cycle of dream, hope, and despair, hurt, it always ended with a deep pain reflex on his eyes, which were always blank and unfocused.
He knew that Sho and Aiba were worried, and he felt guilty. They were his best friends ever and he didn’t want to bother them with his own problem. They had been suffered enough with the lost just like him, and they had tried their best to overcome it and returned to their normal life. And Ohno knew from the bottom of their heart they wanted him to be happy too.
However, it felt as if a part of his soul had already died on the day Jun left him forever.
The bus finally moved, and the scenery outside the window became blurred as the bus chugged along the street. He looked outside, letting his eyes wandered. The trees had barely any leaves on the branches, the buildings were ominous against the grey sky and the people on the street all had blank expressions on their faces. Ohno felt as if the world outside was being enveloped in a huge dark shadow - just like his heart - and he felt like nothing had any meaning to him anymore.
“I’m sorry I’m late again,” Ohno bowed, and Sho, who was standing behind the bar, only looked up with an understanding smile and gestured him in.
“Don’t worry, we don’t have many customers. Aiba’s chatting with the only one.”
“It’s snowing heavily outside.” Ohno took off his coat, feeling the warmth of the shop slowly spread through his numb body. He hung his coat on the rack and looked around, spotting Aiba sitting at the same table with their customer and they were chatting joyfully. He didn’t need to see who it was to know.
He had come here for nearly a month now, and he came here almost every day. Ohno had no idea why the other man loved this place so much, as much as he didn’t know why he was so interested in his pictures, which Aiba had taken from his apartment and told him that it was a waste to leave them there to collect dust, then hung them at the shop instead. Ohno didn’t mind, because those were pictures he had painted when he was with Jun, and they expressed his love for the other man. However, since the day Jun had gone, Ohno no longer had anymore feelings when he looked at the pictures, as if those emotions had never existed. The only meaning of the pictures had gone.
But Nino loved them. The first time Ohno met him, he was stunned. He was staring at the man without blinking his eyes, as though if he had blinked the illusion would go away. Nino had Jun’s eyes, and it painfully reminded him of the way Jun’s eyes sparkled. When their eyes met each other, something pierced through his heart, telling him that Jun didn’t go anywhere. Part of Jun was remained in this man, and Ohno felt his heart constrict in half-envy, half-love for the person standing in front of him. Why was this man standing here, but not Jun? However, he couldn’t resist his look - it was ardent, and full of love, as if Jun was standing there and looking at him. He took Nino’s hand shakily, his mind had gone crazy with the feelings flowing back that he couldn’t stop himself from trembling.
He had returned to the hospital the following day, and the name of the receiver of Jun’s cornea was dancing in front of his eyes.
Ninomiya Kazunari.
Ohno put on his apron and sat down at his spot, looking at the table at which the only customer was sitting. Aiba was talking really enthusiastically about something, and Nino leaned back as his smile widened. Ohno stared at Nino, who was still not aware of Ohno’s presence, and he had a sudden urge to look at his eyes. To look at those eyes which he loved so badly.
So he stood up quietly and approached the two. Nino suddenly raised his head and when he saw Ohno, his eyes glittered with happiness.
“Ohno-san,” he smiled. Ohno felt his heart skip a beat. Those eyes were looking at him, and he was unable to look away.
“Hi, Nino,” He simply answered, looking a little perplexed. Nino tilted his head so that Ohno could see his eyes more clearly, and said with a cheerful smile.
“You’re late again. It’s the fifth time this month.”
Ohno sat down on the opposite seat without replying. Nino seemed to be blushed under his gaze, then looked away to continue his conversation with Aiba. However, Ohno knew that Nino had sensed his weird action. Nino kept glancing at him and whenever he looked back, Nino would turn his head away, his cheeks were evidently red as he tripped over his words.
Somehow Ohno wanted time to stop. He wanted to look at those eyes forever.
Summer, Year 2, Ninomiya Kazunari.
He bowed at the doctor who was smiling at him encouragingly and then exited the consultation room. But as he had been wondering about something for a very long time, he stopped at the doorway, turned back and hesitated a little before asking.
The doctor raised his head, surprised, and told him to wait.
Then a profile was placed in front of him, and he stared at the name written on it.
Matsumoto Jun.
It was the donor of his cornea. He didn’t know how to show his appreciation to this man, who had enough kindness and courage to give him his eyes when he passed away. It was more than just appreciation; Nino felt like he had owed Matsumoto-san so much that he didn’t know how to repay him. It was not the first time he had thought about this, but each time he would be stumped. He walked out of the hospital, wandering on the street, and letting his mind drift away.
Autumn, Year 2, Ninomiya Kazunari.
He was at the shop again. It had been almost a year after he had gotten light back into his life, and he was already used to the way the world looked. He was no longer as excited when he walked outside and saw the red autumn leaves falling from the trees, or the first winter snowflake falling from the sky, or the first blooming pink sakura lingering on the air in spring. It had become normal to him now. He opened the door to the shop, and was welcomed by a cheerful Aiba and a busy Sho, who was working behind the bar as usual. He nodded happily, darting his eyes around to see Ohno cleaning some tables near the window. He stepped inside, and closed the door slightly. Then he slid into his usual seat, leaned back lazily on the fluffy sofa and closed his eyes.
When Ohno came to ask if he needed anything to drink, he opened his eyes slightly, and saw Ohno staring at him, again. He replied with “anything”, but when the other man was still lingering and didn’t really want to move, he titled his head to look at the man.
“…Ohchan?”
Ohno was startled, and he nodded then walked away, calling Sho for a coffee.
It was not a surprise to Nino when he discovered that Matsumoto was Ohno’s lover. Somehow, it was obvious. The way Ohno looked at him - his eyes to be exact - was different. The sleepy and unfocused look became serious when it met Nino’s eyes, and the older man always stared at them as if he wanted to say something. Nino usually looked back, but sometimes he would feel uncomfortable and look away, but Ohno would still be staring at him. Lovingly, insistently, desperately.
Strangely, Nino felt his heart tightened whenever he thought about it. He came here everyday, and had observed the older man since then. The way the older man looked at him started to become his obsession that he found himself missing it like crazy whenever Ohno was absent from work that day and he had no chance of meeting him. That look sometimes sent a shiver down his spine, as he could feel the deep love that Ohno still had for the deceased Matsumoto. Ohno wasn’t looking at him - he was never looking at Nino - but at the eyes of his dead lover. Nino was just a medium who kept those eyes alive, and he knew very clearly that Ohno wanted to meet him not because of him but because of Matsumoto.
Nino hated that thought. His mind was mixed with hope and despair, even though he had no idea what he was hoping for - that he wanted Ohno to look at him once, the real him but not just his eyes?
“Here’s your coffee,” Ohno came back with a cup of coffee and put it in front of Nino. Then he sat down beside Nino and smiled sleepily.
“Thank you.” Nino took the cup from Ohno and took a sip. Somehow he felt nervous.
Ohno’s eyes looked at him gently, and Nino couldn’t help but let himself melt, even though he knew that the other man’s gentle look wasn’t meant for him. Realising this, his heart throbbed painfully.
“Eh, well…” Nino put down the cup and turned to Ohno. He had pondered over this for some time and decided to give himself a chance. He blurted out before he could change his mind about asking, “I… I have a couple of tickets for this movie… you know, and I don’t really… have so many friends, so … could you, well, I’m wondering if you’d want to go there with me…?” He held his breath anxiously, and felt his heartbeat quickened. Please, he pleaded in his mind, please accept it.
“Oh…” Ohno looked surprised, and he considered it while looking at Nino. He couldn’t resist the way Nino looked at him, so he smiled, “Okay, which day is it? I think I could take time off from work.”
Nino beamed shyly and lowered his head, feeling happy and relieved. Ohno was still looking at him with an amused smile on his face, and it just made Nino blushed a deeper red.
Winter, Year 2, Ohno Satoshi.
He hung up his phone, and closed his eyes tiredly. Sho’s voice was still buzzing in his mind, saying something about Nino being upset when he didn’t go to work and asked if there was anything wrong. He lay on his bed, turned over on his side and stared out of the window. The moon was hanging there, silently shining the ground with its soft light, bringing an unbearable loneliness inside his chest.
Ohno was so surprised to find out that there is a deeper meaning behind Nino’s look for him. He didn’t really realize it - he usually lived in his own world and did not care about anything else. He had approached Nino just because Nino had Jun’s eyes, and they reminded him of the precious times of his life. But honestly, he hadn’t really thought much about Nino - Nino was a friend, and even though he was more special than the others because they had an invisible connection, Ohno didn’t know that he loved or hated this connection. However, he found himself watching Nino as the days passed, and the younger man surely noticed that because there were times when he would turn around, embarrassed. Moreover, Nino had asked him out - they went out together and he really enjoyed being with Nino. After the outing to the cinema, Ohno had many other chances to go out with Nino, and he admitted that he had enjoyed himself every single time.
Thinking about Nino made Ohno feel guilty. He remembered Nino looking back at him, a sad smile on his face, but Ohno didn’t notice. Ohno had never thought about Nino’s feelings, even though he should have, because then he would be able to figure out Nino’s love for him sooner. He hadn’t known it, until Aiba told him with an unusually serious face that if he didn’t like Nino back then he should stop gazing at him already. Just then, Ohno realized how much he had bothered Nino because of his selfish desire. He tried to stop himself, but his eyes still found their way to Nino around whenever the latter came to the shop. Nino always pretended that nothing was wrong - he was still talking happily with Aiba, still joking with Sho, and still smiling with Ohno with his soft smile and his loving eyes. Now that he thought back, Ohno realized that Nino was trying to make him pay attention to him, and Ohno knew he couldn’t.
So he chose to run away. He told Sho that he was going to stop working for a couple of days, until he can figure out his life again. Sho just stared at him questioningly, but said nothing.
And it a week had already passed.
The desire to meet Nino was growing stronger with each passing day, no matter how much effort he had put in to reduce it. It felt like Nino’s eyes had become his addiction, and he wanted to meet Nino so badly.
But he knew that he was being cruel. He was looking at the Jun in Nino, but not Nino himself. How could he do that to the younger man?
“Nino is really worried about you. Stop being stubborn and come back to work, will you?”
Sho asked, and there was slight annoyance in his tone. Ohno knew that he shouldn’t run away anymore. His heart was tired, and he didn’t want to avoid Nino. On the contrary, he wanted to meet the younger man right now, to look at those eyes - he wanted to feel happy again. Even though his intention was cruel, his relationship with Nino was real - they were friends, and friends don’t dodge each other.
So he returned to work on a snowy day. He had chose to walk - the buses were totally not moving because of the snow. Opening the door with his shaky hand, he stumbled into the cozy room, appreciating the warmth from the shop slowly seeping through his soaked coat.
It was Nino who ran towards him immediately and caught his arms to support him. He mumbled a ‘thank you’ when Nino took his coat from him with both hands and hung it on the coat rack. Ohno blinked and stared at Nino when the younger man turned back, the sad smile still evident on his face.
“Ohchan,” Nino said with a low voice. He raised his head, and looked at Nino in confusion. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
Nino came closer to him, and put his hands onto Ohno’s cheeks as he looked deeply into his eyes. Ohno felt warmth spreading throughout his body when he was finally able to look at those eyes again.
“For being your burden,” Nino whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. Nino’s pained expression made Ohno’s heart tightened. “I’m sorry,...Don’t worry about me… and forget whatever Aiba had told you. We can return to being friends, can’t we?”
Ohno was mesmerized by Nino’s eyes, and he nodded quietly as he was at a loss for words. A small smile appeared on Nino’s face, but a lone tear rolled down on his cheek as he took back his hands and hastily wiped the tear away.
“Sorry, I don’t know where that came from.” He turned his back to Ohno, and forced out a joke, “Don’t tell Aiba this ne, or he would laugh at me for being such a girl.”
Ohno could see his shoulders trembling. He took a step forward and gently placed his hand on Nino’s shoulder while turning the younger man around to face him.
“Please don’t cry,” Ohno reached for the latter’s cheeks and gently wiped the tear away. Seeing Nino cry broke his heart, but he didn’t know if it was because he felt like Jun was crying or because Nino was crying. The feeling confused him badly. “I don’t want to see you cry.”
Nino stared at him for a while, his expression slightly surprised. Then with a weak nod, he closed his eyes, and Ohno could see that there were no more tears.
When Nino opened his eyes again, Ohno had already looked away to find Sho and Aiba, his hand had already drawn back from the man’s cheeks, so he did not catch the blank look in Nino’s gaze. He did not notice the emotionless eyes staring into space, and Nino hadn’t move until Aiba came and pat his shoulder gently. Nino then smiled at Aiba, nodded and walked outside into the white freezing world.
---------------------
Part 2
Pairing: Ohmiya, Juntoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Angst
Length: ~11,500
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
Summary: Two persons with two different lives; they were bound to each other because of an invisible connection, and they had never known what it would lead them to...
A/N: As usual, this is beta-ed by potatoos , love you <3. This time, I really don't know how to summarize it... The idea came and all I did was writing it down. Hope you'll enjoy it ^-^, one more one-shot made me cry when I was writing it, but I really enjoyed my time writing this one! Comments are loved <333333.
Spring, Year 1, Ninomiya Kazunari.
He was laying silently on the hospital bed, his eyes closed and other senses concentrating on the movements around him - the whispering around the hospital yard, and the chirping of the birds which were on the highest branches near the opened window beside his left arm. He turned his head towards the warmth of the sunlight, which was shining weakly through the fabric curtains covering the window. He could feel the traces of light gently stroking his cheeks encouragingly, and he opened his eyes as an instinctive reflex.
He couldn’t see anything around him.
It was all darkness, but not threatening unlike what he had always heard, this was totally different. It was familiar and strangely comfortable; it was his only companion throughout the years. He couldn’t really remember when all of this happened, except that it happened when he was a child. He remembered his parents arguing, his sister crying and he himself was frightened as he stared from one parent to the other. They hadn’t paid much attention to him, as they had gotten into a fight: he heard his mother’s screams, saw his father slapping her with his big, ugly hand, and then disappearing behind the door. He remembered seeing his mom sitting on the couch, her hands covering her bruised face, and his sister wrapping her tiny arms around their mom. He remembered his legs had suddenly come alive, as he found himself running after his father. He had spotted him crossing the road, and his throat had been locked with fear and tears and many unnamed feelings so that even though he had opened his mouth, no sound came out. And he ran, using all the strength his tiny legs would give him, towards his father’s disappearing silhouette. He hadn’t realized the red signal, or had he seen the huge truck approaching, but there was a loud thump, or more like a shrill explosion, and he was plunged into darkness.
The next time he opened his eyes, he saw only thick darkness. It wasn’t the dark of the night, nor was it the darkness in a huge theater when they were turning off the lights for the next performance. It was a darkness without any signs of light or any movement. He put in all efforts in raising his hand and waving it in front of his eyes, but still he could see nothing. He closed his eyes again, hoping that this was just a dream. However when he opened them, darkness still surrounded him, as if he was swallowed by a fiend and was now struggling inside it, without any idea of getting out.
And the truth hit him, fearful and desperate. He could not see from now on - the doctor had said, and he felt the words fading as he was staring into blank space. He lifted his hand quietly, and touched his eyes with a vague feeling of regret. He could hear his mom and sister sobbing somewhere beside him, and his hand naturally stretched out to find them. It was his sister who took one hand immediately, and his mother took the other. Together, they squeezed his hands as silence fell between them.
“I’m alright,” He finally said, his eyes emotionless as he was staring into his own space, where nothing remained for him, nor was there space for anyone to enter. “I’m really alright”.
He didn’t cry - there was no use crying, but he could feel a huge void inside his heart that nobody could enter to touch his feeble soul. He knew that his mom and his sister were always worried about him - they were beside him as much as they could. His mother had quit her work to take care of him full time, and he felt so guilty that he desperately learnt to do everything by himself so that he wouldn’t be a burden to his mother.
The door opened gently and he felt somebody was beside him. He raised his eyebrows questioningly when he heard the nurse’s soft voice.
“Ninomiya-san, we found available cornea that are the suitable for you. We already have the donor’s agreement. Do you want to take this chance? We will check to make sure if it works for you.”
He smiled and turned his head towards where he assumed she was standing, and nodded slightly. For more than ten years living of in darkness, he could finally see again. He had forgotten all the things that he wasn’t supposed to forget: his mother’s kind face, his sister’s sulk whenever he took over her toys - though it had happened many years before, and surely his sister was no longer a little girl now. And more than anything, he had completely forgotten his face - he wasn’t sure if he could even recognize himself.
He felt the door closed as the nurse went out, and he closed his eyes again, feeling the warmth and hope dancing in his heart. Maybe after the surgery, he could see how the sunlight shining on his cheeks was like, or how the chirping birds that he had always listened to from the window looked like.
Maybe a colorful world would be presented to him, replacing the darkness that was in his mind.
Spring, Year 1, Ohno Satoshi.
He sat at the station, his eyes darting around anxiously, seeking for his partner amongst the noisy crowd of people during rush hour. He watched as the doors to the subway opened and a never-ending line of people flowed out of it, moving hurriedly in the hot and muggy air. He wiped away sweat from his forehead, and looked at his watch impatiently. Jun had never been late, so it was really weird that half an hour had passed with Jun being nowhere in sight. He tugged out his cell phone, hoping for a message or missed call from Jun apologizing that he was caught up with work and would try his best to go there as soon as possible. But, there was nothing. Jun’s face appeared on his handphone screen, grinning at him, his eyes sparkling with the innocent light that Ohno had fallen in love with at first sight. His lips curved into a slight smile, but were immediately replaced with worry: if Jun were late, he’d definitely call.
He was about to search for Jun’s number when the phone rang, and he sighed in relief when he saw Jun’s face appear on the screen.
“Moshi moshi, Jun-kun?” He said cheerfully.
But it wasn’t Jun. A stranger’s voice was talking to him, informing him about something. He found himself frozen at his spot. As if the whole world had disappeared, there he was standing alone in the middle of a huge endless road, seeing Jun being hit by a crazy motorbike from behind and it was too late to bring him to the hospital. Jun couldn’t be saved, that was what the man was telling him, but Ohno felt like he was making no sense. Jun could never die.
No, because Jun was strong, unbelievable strong, and nothing - even death - could drag him away from this life.
No, because Jun loved him so much, and Jun couldn’t simply leave him just like that. Not when they were supposed to be on a date today.
And no, because he loved Jun so much. He could never let Jun go. Never.
He ran with all his strength to the hospital. His lungs screaming for air, his limps were exhausted but he kept on running, as though his life depended on it.
“Ohno-san, please listen to us!” The doctor insisted, but Ohno felt like the doctor’s voice was far away. Jun’s death was the only thing that meant something to him, and he stood rooted to the ground and stared into space, feeling both physical and mental pain pierced through his heart.
“We’ve tried our best, but… his head was slammed against the kerb… Blood was everywhere. We couldn’t do more about it.”
Ohno said nothing. He didn’t want to think about the impossible, but it was clear, painfully clear. Jun was gone.
“And… I have some matters to discuss with you …Matsumoto-san had signed this a year before. I know that this is hard for you, but will you respect Matsumoto-san’s wish? This must be decided as soon as possible - there’s a person who needs it urgently.”
He raised his head; it was the first time he seemed to pay attention to what the doctor was saying. He stared blankly at the words. They were meaningless to him, but at the bottom right of the document was Jun’s signature. Something about letting the hospital use his organs to save other people. He had never heard Jun talk about this before. Maybe Jun was scared that he would protest?
Which was exactly what he wanted to do right now. What would they do to Jun? …Dissect him immediately after his death? Take his organs to give other patients? What was the meaning of saving someone, if Jun was no longer alive?
But it was Jun’s wish; he wanted to do this. Ohno closed his eyes, feeling pain and a little betrayal as he held back the confusion and anger. He shoved the paper back to the doctor, sighed in exhaustion, and mumbled.
“Just do whatever he wanted, sensei” He bit his lips, “He wanted this.”
The doctor took back the paper, said thank you and placed a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. Then, he left hurriedly to prepare for the next surgery. Ohno looked away. He stood up shakily, and tried his best to move away. He took one last look at his lover before his body was pulled along the lobby, preparing for the surgery. A white blanket covered from the top of his head to the bottom of his toes. Ohno stared as the signal for the operating theatre lit up again, feeling that his heart had stopped beating.
Autumn, Year 1, Ninomiya Kazunari.
“Be careful, dear.”
“I’m okay.”
He was walking along the busiest ward in the city, which was always full of people. The crowd made it a beautiful scene that he opened his eyes widely, trying to take in the lively world around him, eagerness glittering in his deep brown eyes. It was the first time he was allowed to step outside the hospital, when his doctor had made sure that he could use the grafted cornea as normally as possible. He turned his head from right to left, feeling as excited as he had been on his first day of school, as though he had just discovered a new world. Not a vague and dark and lonely one, but colorful, lively and energetic. The sun shone happily above his head - exactly as he had remembered how gold the rims of the sunlight were and how much he had loved it; with the white clouds hovering in the blue sky, and the green trees with their branches, leaves, bugs and flowers. Now he could see his mother’s face clearly; her deep brown eyes were full of love and he could understand how much she had sacrificed for him: her career, her freedom, her life. He suddenly turned to her and hugged her tightly with his unsaid appreciation, startling her but she quickly regained her composure and wrapped her arms around him in a gentle embrace. He pulled back, his eyes focused on the road, the sea of people, and the tall buildings standing next to one other - he had never imagine how much the world had changed since the last time he saw it with his own eyes.
They walked around hand in hand; his mother seemed a little tired after taking such a long walk, and with Nino asking her endless questions like a child. But seeing her son’s happy face made her heart warm up and she couldn’t remember being this happy for many years. So she answered his questions as enthusiastically as she could, and staring at his lovely face for most of the time.
“Mom, I want to go there” Nino pointed his finger at a small coffee shop, his eyes sparkling under the sunlight.
They entered the cozy shop together, a welcoming feeling rushed over Nino’s body so that he felt relaxed immediately. All excitement subsided, and he felt at peace, as if he had returned home. He looked around the shop which was decorated by many hand-painted pictures hanging on the wall, their colors dazzled Nino.
Strangely, he found all these familiar.
Not that he had seen all these before - he never could have, not with his eyes that could not see. But now that he finally could, the whole scene looked familiar, including the decoration. The bluish-violet picture depicting blurred faces of two people was hanging over a small table at the half-hidden corner, and he immediately walked towards it. He knew this, but he had no idea why. This was definitely his first visit to the coffee shop, and there was no reason for him to be feeling this way. He sat on the seat feeling as though it was tailored for him, and touched the cold surface of the table. He frowned in confusion - the touch didn’t feel familiar at all. It was the first time his skin made contact with this, he was sure of it. Over ten years of living in darkness helped him acquire an extraordinary sense of touch, and he would know immediately if he had ever touched something before.
His mom came beside him, feeling confused.
“Dear? Are you tired?”
“Hai? No,” He raised his head and smiled at her in assurance. “I love this place, mom.”
“I could tell,” she smiled and waved for the waiter. “You came immediately to this corner when you entered. What is it that caught your eye?”
“This picture,” He nodded his head at the picture hanging on the wall. “The colors are nice. I love it.”
“Yeah.” She agreed, but was not really interested in the picture. She took the menu from the waiter, who was wearing a green apron and was grinning widely. Nino reckoned that he had heard part of their conversation.
“It’s amazing, don’t you think?” He beamed and gestured to the picture. “My friend painted it. He’s a great artist.”
“Really?” Nino’s curiousness was aroused. “Can I meet him?”
“Well, he’s working here, but it’s not his shift right now…” the waiter said thoughtfully. The first impression Nino had of this man was his blonde hair and big smile that was always on his friendly face. “You can meet him if you come back around noon.”
Nino looked at the small clock on the wall right behind the bar. It was nine at the morning, and he was free today. He looked at his mom insistently . After a minute, she reluctantly decided that it was time for her son to fall in line with communities.
“It’s okay if you want to stay to meet him,” she said, and Nino’s face brightened up. “But I need to leave around eleven. Could you go home by yourself?”
“Yeah, of course.” Nino nodded quickly. The new world was a little strange to him, but despite how it now looked, it was exactly the same as the one that he had ‘seen’ when he couldn’t use his eyes. If he was lost, all he needed to do was to close his eyes and let his instincts lead him home.
The artist came when the shop was deserted; there was barely any customer left.. Nino was sitting lazily in his seat, his fingers were playing a silent melody on the table top. He closed his eyes, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere at the shop. As he heard someone approaching, he opened his eyes slowly and looked at the waiter whom they had talked to that morning.
“Ninomiya-san.” The waiter had asked for his name earlier so that he could tell the artist who was it that wanted to meet him. He was walking towards him with a grin on his face, and a person was following behind, looking confused and worried. Nino straightened up in his seat and looked at the newcomer curiously as they neared him.
“This is the artist of the picture that you love!” The waiter exclaimed happily and stepped aside, letting Nino have a full view of the person who was standing awkwardly behind him. The artist’s brows were furrowed together as he didn’t know what was going on and why had Nino wanted to meet him. Nino didn’t know the reason either.
Nino stood up and stretched out his hand. He smiled softly at the artist. Somehow, he felt a strange familiarity when he saw the artist, as if he had seen him somewhere before. Suddenly he felt dizzy when his eyes caught the latter’s, and he drew back his hand to support himself by holding onto the table. He closed his eyes for a moment as he felt a bright, white light pierce through his eyes painfully.
The waiter caught Nino’s shoulder and asked worriedly, “Hey, are you okay?”
He nodded and blinked, then raised his head slowly to look at the confused artist standing in front of him. Again, an overwhelming sense of familiarity washed over him, and yet he didn’t know the reason why. He subconsciously reached out his hand, and was about to touch the latter’s face when he sensed the artist tensed. He immediately realized what he was doing and hastily took back his hand. The artist looked at him with mixed expressions of recognition, disbelief, gentleness and seriousness. Their eyes were locked with each other’s, and in a second Nino felt like time had temporarily stopped. He could see that the other’s gaze was focused only on his eyes though, and since he couldn’t bear the deep, insistent and desperate look anymore, he broke off their eyes contact. The waiter roved his eyes from Nino to the other man and then back again; the artist’s gaze was still fixed onto his eyes, with a weak smile on his face. Nino had to try to break the awkward silence between them.
“…Well, you know, I just wanted to meet the person who had painted that mesmerizing picture.”
“Yeah,” The artist seemed to be pulled back to reality by Nino’s comment. He darted his eyes to the picture, and then backed again at Nino. Somehow, it made Nino uneasy. “…It’s mine.”
“I love it,” Nino commented with a cheerier voice, a small smile curved up his lips. “The balance of the colors is perfect.”
“Thank you.” He only nodded.
Nino stretched out his hand again, and this time the artist took it with a little hesitance.
“I’m Ninomiya Kazunari. Nice to meet you.”
“Ohno Satoshi. Nice to meet you too.”
Winter, Year 1, Ohno Satoshi.
He was about to be late for work - it was already 2 pm and he was still on the bus stuck in the slow-moving traffic because of the snow. Sho wouldn’t be happy about it, because it was not the first time he showed up late. Not that he had intended to - he would always try to be on time but would somehow ends up late, and he apologised to Sho so many times that he lost count. But as a kind man as Sho always was, the younger man just sighed and told him to try harder.
It was nearly a year now. Everything had gone by like a blur, and when he thought about this period of his life, he remembered nothing since Jun had gone. He was like an empty shell - passing through life doing what he had to, and not actually living it. He had no motivation - he hadn’t really painted anything ever since then. The pictures, which he had drawn in the happiest time of his life, were stacked at the corner of his room, covered in a layer of silver dust. He didn’t really care - he had lost the passion in art too. Sho had once told him that he was losing himself by acting like that, and he knew that the younger man was right, but he didn’t know how to get out of this. It was an endless cycle of dream, hope, and despair, hurt, it always ended with a deep pain reflex on his eyes, which were always blank and unfocused.
He knew that Sho and Aiba were worried, and he felt guilty. They were his best friends ever and he didn’t want to bother them with his own problem. They had been suffered enough with the lost just like him, and they had tried their best to overcome it and returned to their normal life. And Ohno knew from the bottom of their heart they wanted him to be happy too.
However, it felt as if a part of his soul had already died on the day Jun left him forever.
The bus finally moved, and the scenery outside the window became blurred as the bus chugged along the street. He looked outside, letting his eyes wandered. The trees had barely any leaves on the branches, the buildings were ominous against the grey sky and the people on the street all had blank expressions on their faces. Ohno felt as if the world outside was being enveloped in a huge dark shadow - just like his heart - and he felt like nothing had any meaning to him anymore.
“I’m sorry I’m late again,” Ohno bowed, and Sho, who was standing behind the bar, only looked up with an understanding smile and gestured him in.
“Don’t worry, we don’t have many customers. Aiba’s chatting with the only one.”
“It’s snowing heavily outside.” Ohno took off his coat, feeling the warmth of the shop slowly spread through his numb body. He hung his coat on the rack and looked around, spotting Aiba sitting at the same table with their customer and they were chatting joyfully. He didn’t need to see who it was to know.
He had come here for nearly a month now, and he came here almost every day. Ohno had no idea why the other man loved this place so much, as much as he didn’t know why he was so interested in his pictures, which Aiba had taken from his apartment and told him that it was a waste to leave them there to collect dust, then hung them at the shop instead. Ohno didn’t mind, because those were pictures he had painted when he was with Jun, and they expressed his love for the other man. However, since the day Jun had gone, Ohno no longer had anymore feelings when he looked at the pictures, as if those emotions had never existed. The only meaning of the pictures had gone.
But Nino loved them. The first time Ohno met him, he was stunned. He was staring at the man without blinking his eyes, as though if he had blinked the illusion would go away. Nino had Jun’s eyes, and it painfully reminded him of the way Jun’s eyes sparkled. When their eyes met each other, something pierced through his heart, telling him that Jun didn’t go anywhere. Part of Jun was remained in this man, and Ohno felt his heart constrict in half-envy, half-love for the person standing in front of him. Why was this man standing here, but not Jun? However, he couldn’t resist his look - it was ardent, and full of love, as if Jun was standing there and looking at him. He took Nino’s hand shakily, his mind had gone crazy with the feelings flowing back that he couldn’t stop himself from trembling.
He had returned to the hospital the following day, and the name of the receiver of Jun’s cornea was dancing in front of his eyes.
Ninomiya Kazunari.
Ohno put on his apron and sat down at his spot, looking at the table at which the only customer was sitting. Aiba was talking really enthusiastically about something, and Nino leaned back as his smile widened. Ohno stared at Nino, who was still not aware of Ohno’s presence, and he had a sudden urge to look at his eyes. To look at those eyes which he loved so badly.
So he stood up quietly and approached the two. Nino suddenly raised his head and when he saw Ohno, his eyes glittered with happiness.
“Ohno-san,” he smiled. Ohno felt his heart skip a beat. Those eyes were looking at him, and he was unable to look away.
“Hi, Nino,” He simply answered, looking a little perplexed. Nino tilted his head so that Ohno could see his eyes more clearly, and said with a cheerful smile.
“You’re late again. It’s the fifth time this month.”
Ohno sat down on the opposite seat without replying. Nino seemed to be blushed under his gaze, then looked away to continue his conversation with Aiba. However, Ohno knew that Nino had sensed his weird action. Nino kept glancing at him and whenever he looked back, Nino would turn his head away, his cheeks were evidently red as he tripped over his words.
Somehow Ohno wanted time to stop. He wanted to look at those eyes forever.
Summer, Year 2, Ninomiya Kazunari.
He bowed at the doctor who was smiling at him encouragingly and then exited the consultation room. But as he had been wondering about something for a very long time, he stopped at the doorway, turned back and hesitated a little before asking.
The doctor raised his head, surprised, and told him to wait.
Then a profile was placed in front of him, and he stared at the name written on it.
Matsumoto Jun.
It was the donor of his cornea. He didn’t know how to show his appreciation to this man, who had enough kindness and courage to give him his eyes when he passed away. It was more than just appreciation; Nino felt like he had owed Matsumoto-san so much that he didn’t know how to repay him. It was not the first time he had thought about this, but each time he would be stumped. He walked out of the hospital, wandering on the street, and letting his mind drift away.
Autumn, Year 2, Ninomiya Kazunari.
He was at the shop again. It had been almost a year after he had gotten light back into his life, and he was already used to the way the world looked. He was no longer as excited when he walked outside and saw the red autumn leaves falling from the trees, or the first winter snowflake falling from the sky, or the first blooming pink sakura lingering on the air in spring. It had become normal to him now. He opened the door to the shop, and was welcomed by a cheerful Aiba and a busy Sho, who was working behind the bar as usual. He nodded happily, darting his eyes around to see Ohno cleaning some tables near the window. He stepped inside, and closed the door slightly. Then he slid into his usual seat, leaned back lazily on the fluffy sofa and closed his eyes.
When Ohno came to ask if he needed anything to drink, he opened his eyes slightly, and saw Ohno staring at him, again. He replied with “anything”, but when the other man was still lingering and didn’t really want to move, he titled his head to look at the man.
“…Ohchan?”
Ohno was startled, and he nodded then walked away, calling Sho for a coffee.
It was not a surprise to Nino when he discovered that Matsumoto was Ohno’s lover. Somehow, it was obvious. The way Ohno looked at him - his eyes to be exact - was different. The sleepy and unfocused look became serious when it met Nino’s eyes, and the older man always stared at them as if he wanted to say something. Nino usually looked back, but sometimes he would feel uncomfortable and look away, but Ohno would still be staring at him. Lovingly, insistently, desperately.
Strangely, Nino felt his heart tightened whenever he thought about it. He came here everyday, and had observed the older man since then. The way the older man looked at him started to become his obsession that he found himself missing it like crazy whenever Ohno was absent from work that day and he had no chance of meeting him. That look sometimes sent a shiver down his spine, as he could feel the deep love that Ohno still had for the deceased Matsumoto. Ohno wasn’t looking at him - he was never looking at Nino - but at the eyes of his dead lover. Nino was just a medium who kept those eyes alive, and he knew very clearly that Ohno wanted to meet him not because of him but because of Matsumoto.
Nino hated that thought. His mind was mixed with hope and despair, even though he had no idea what he was hoping for - that he wanted Ohno to look at him once, the real him but not just his eyes?
“Here’s your coffee,” Ohno came back with a cup of coffee and put it in front of Nino. Then he sat down beside Nino and smiled sleepily.
“Thank you.” Nino took the cup from Ohno and took a sip. Somehow he felt nervous.
Ohno’s eyes looked at him gently, and Nino couldn’t help but let himself melt, even though he knew that the other man’s gentle look wasn’t meant for him. Realising this, his heart throbbed painfully.
“Eh, well…” Nino put down the cup and turned to Ohno. He had pondered over this for some time and decided to give himself a chance. He blurted out before he could change his mind about asking, “I… I have a couple of tickets for this movie… you know, and I don’t really… have so many friends, so … could you, well, I’m wondering if you’d want to go there with me…?” He held his breath anxiously, and felt his heartbeat quickened. Please, he pleaded in his mind, please accept it.
“Oh…” Ohno looked surprised, and he considered it while looking at Nino. He couldn’t resist the way Nino looked at him, so he smiled, “Okay, which day is it? I think I could take time off from work.”
Nino beamed shyly and lowered his head, feeling happy and relieved. Ohno was still looking at him with an amused smile on his face, and it just made Nino blushed a deeper red.
Winter, Year 2, Ohno Satoshi.
He hung up his phone, and closed his eyes tiredly. Sho’s voice was still buzzing in his mind, saying something about Nino being upset when he didn’t go to work and asked if there was anything wrong. He lay on his bed, turned over on his side and stared out of the window. The moon was hanging there, silently shining the ground with its soft light, bringing an unbearable loneliness inside his chest.
Ohno was so surprised to find out that there is a deeper meaning behind Nino’s look for him. He didn’t really realize it - he usually lived in his own world and did not care about anything else. He had approached Nino just because Nino had Jun’s eyes, and they reminded him of the precious times of his life. But honestly, he hadn’t really thought much about Nino - Nino was a friend, and even though he was more special than the others because they had an invisible connection, Ohno didn’t know that he loved or hated this connection. However, he found himself watching Nino as the days passed, and the younger man surely noticed that because there were times when he would turn around, embarrassed. Moreover, Nino had asked him out - they went out together and he really enjoyed being with Nino. After the outing to the cinema, Ohno had many other chances to go out with Nino, and he admitted that he had enjoyed himself every single time.
Thinking about Nino made Ohno feel guilty. He remembered Nino looking back at him, a sad smile on his face, but Ohno didn’t notice. Ohno had never thought about Nino’s feelings, even though he should have, because then he would be able to figure out Nino’s love for him sooner. He hadn’t known it, until Aiba told him with an unusually serious face that if he didn’t like Nino back then he should stop gazing at him already. Just then, Ohno realized how much he had bothered Nino because of his selfish desire. He tried to stop himself, but his eyes still found their way to Nino around whenever the latter came to the shop. Nino always pretended that nothing was wrong - he was still talking happily with Aiba, still joking with Sho, and still smiling with Ohno with his soft smile and his loving eyes. Now that he thought back, Ohno realized that Nino was trying to make him pay attention to him, and Ohno knew he couldn’t.
So he chose to run away. He told Sho that he was going to stop working for a couple of days, until he can figure out his life again. Sho just stared at him questioningly, but said nothing.
And it a week had already passed.
The desire to meet Nino was growing stronger with each passing day, no matter how much effort he had put in to reduce it. It felt like Nino’s eyes had become his addiction, and he wanted to meet Nino so badly.
But he knew that he was being cruel. He was looking at the Jun in Nino, but not Nino himself. How could he do that to the younger man?
“Nino is really worried about you. Stop being stubborn and come back to work, will you?”
Sho asked, and there was slight annoyance in his tone. Ohno knew that he shouldn’t run away anymore. His heart was tired, and he didn’t want to avoid Nino. On the contrary, he wanted to meet the younger man right now, to look at those eyes - he wanted to feel happy again. Even though his intention was cruel, his relationship with Nino was real - they were friends, and friends don’t dodge each other.
So he returned to work on a snowy day. He had chose to walk - the buses were totally not moving because of the snow. Opening the door with his shaky hand, he stumbled into the cozy room, appreciating the warmth from the shop slowly seeping through his soaked coat.
It was Nino who ran towards him immediately and caught his arms to support him. He mumbled a ‘thank you’ when Nino took his coat from him with both hands and hung it on the coat rack. Ohno blinked and stared at Nino when the younger man turned back, the sad smile still evident on his face.
“Ohchan,” Nino said with a low voice. He raised his head, and looked at Nino in confusion. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
Nino came closer to him, and put his hands onto Ohno’s cheeks as he looked deeply into his eyes. Ohno felt warmth spreading throughout his body when he was finally able to look at those eyes again.
“For being your burden,” Nino whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. Nino’s pained expression made Ohno’s heart tightened. “I’m sorry,...Don’t worry about me… and forget whatever Aiba had told you. We can return to being friends, can’t we?”
Ohno was mesmerized by Nino’s eyes, and he nodded quietly as he was at a loss for words. A small smile appeared on Nino’s face, but a lone tear rolled down on his cheek as he took back his hands and hastily wiped the tear away.
“Sorry, I don’t know where that came from.” He turned his back to Ohno, and forced out a joke, “Don’t tell Aiba this ne, or he would laugh at me for being such a girl.”
Ohno could see his shoulders trembling. He took a step forward and gently placed his hand on Nino’s shoulder while turning the younger man around to face him.
“Please don’t cry,” Ohno reached for the latter’s cheeks and gently wiped the tear away. Seeing Nino cry broke his heart, but he didn’t know if it was because he felt like Jun was crying or because Nino was crying. The feeling confused him badly. “I don’t want to see you cry.”
Nino stared at him for a while, his expression slightly surprised. Then with a weak nod, he closed his eyes, and Ohno could see that there were no more tears.
When Nino opened his eyes again, Ohno had already looked away to find Sho and Aiba, his hand had already drawn back from the man’s cheeks, so he did not catch the blank look in Nino’s gaze. He did not notice the emotionless eyes staring into space, and Nino hadn’t move until Aiba came and pat his shoulder gently. Nino then smiled at Aiba, nodded and walked outside into the white freezing world.
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Part 2