The Killing Floor - Week 2

[clauderainsrm]

What the hell is this? It's a special place for people to submit their work for critique. Not "You rock", but no being an asshat either. Actually looking at the work and thinking of ways to make it better.

Why "The Killing Floor"? - I've had this in mind for awhile. The working name was "The Cutting Room Floor". But then I got that Howlin'

Comments

[n3m3sis43]

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

http://n3m3sis43.livejournal.com/99686.html

[bleodswean]

Heh, you most obviously DO NOT need to be smacked. At all. You've got a GREAT imagination and a quick way with words. As with much fantasy....it's easy to get lost without paying very close attention or without having an entire story to buoy the reader up in the choppier sections.

Right off the bat, though, you threw me out of your writing with your first three sentences. You might consider tossing the entire first paragraph.

Rainy season's begun with a vengeance, and the wind howls through the trees something fierce. There's a full moon, but clouds block most of its light. Thunder rattles the windows in their panes and I shiver.

I realize you're going for casual vernacular in the "voice" of your character but "rainy season's" just gave me too long a pause while I tried to sort it. Same with the punctuation in the second sentence, and then the issue with window and pane being the exact same thing - how can a window rattle in itself?

So, are you taking this story and these characters into a full-blown piece of writing?

[n3m3sis43]

OMG, the window pane thing seems so obvious now that you've pointed it out. And yet. Thank you, because that's ouchy and definitely does not make any sense. XD

[bleodswean]

There is no requirement that you write in a linear fashion. Grab scenes as they come to you and flesh them out later. Nabokov wrote all of his novels on 3x5 cards as he circumnavigated the duck pond. I think those of us who are not plot-driven and rely on our characters to tell us their story tend to write in scenes rather than in A to B lines. Give yourself permission to do this. Bearing in mind, that this technique does sometimes require you to unstring an entire line of scenes because of continuity issues with a later scene/revelation.

Keep going!

[theun4givables]

http://theun4givables.livejournal.com/183939.html

Because writing funny is generally not my bag, baby. Nor is first person. ;)

[elledanger]

Okay - as with any crit feel free to take from it what you want, and disregard anything you don't agree with. This is simply what I'm seeing, and I tend to be fairly forthright

[theun4givables]

With the first section, it was more or less the set up -- here's where Tobias learned what a joke is and the spark of interest, etc. As a reader, these are the things I care about, but I also see why this might have been superfluous, in the end. ;) I am very much a "write everything I see/hear" sort of writer, when my characters start showing me scenes and feeding me lines of dialogue. Editing things down is sometimes difficult to me, because if my characters deemed it relevant I have a hard time seeing why it might not be necessary, in the end. ;)

Thank you for this -- this was really useful, especially since this was about as first drafty as I get for Idol entries. :)

[elledanger]

I think this kind of thing is where you as the writer need to wrestle control away from the characters. The characters want to do what they want to do, which is great and shows what a fertile imagination you have.
However to make your story stronger and to make your characters home more robust, you as the writer need to pull on the reigns and give the work over-all more structure.

What you might find happening is that the characters end up pulling you in an entirely different direction, which is perfectly okay! It just means that you need to go back through and re-edit and re-work it in retrospect for where the piece wants to go.

[iwriteflash]

This was my week 0 entry. Looking for ways to improve it. Thanks
http://iwriteflash.livejournal.com/901.html

[banyangirl1832]

As you mentioned in the comments, there are a few comma issues, but nothing that's not easily fixable.

Instead of just stating the lines, I'd love to see each line more fleshed out into a mini scene. Put us in the wife's shoes, in the girl-child's shoes, in the girl friend's shoes. But the starkness works as is, so it's your choice.

Overall, this was powerful and I love that you did it for International Women's Day.

[iwriteflash]

The mini-scenes idea sounds interesting. I'll experiment with it and let you know the result.
Thank you for taking the time out to read. <3

[anyonesghost]

I actually like this as it is structured today, but I would personally use shorter sentences. Place full stops instead of commas. Even if they're fragments. It hits harder. It is more direct. And you're hammering these points home.

At least, that's my opinion. :-) It's a slightly different style, and certainly different from what banyangirl1832 is suggesting above, but it may work for you. (If it doesn't, that's fine too.)

[vaudy]

http://vaudy.livejournal.com/141052.html

This was scarier than I expected. I kept refreshing the page going "I'm sure five spots will fill up in no time!"

Anyway, this is one my Exhibit A pieces, one that got a lot of great comments, but was nonetheless the piece I went out on. :D

[bleodswean]

Is there a reason you don't reply to the comments that your readers make

[vaudy]

It sounds weird, but I struggle as much with the social participation as I do with the writing. I was dealing with a lot of stressful crap during my Ex.A run, and really did not do well with replying to comments/giving comments/participating in Green Rooms, etc. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf this season, because I've noticed I generally do better in polls when I'm replying and leaving comments more

[talon]

I remember liking this enough to comment on it, and on re-read, I still like it a lot. I think the piece works into the prompt nicely without being overdone and flows very well; I like the characters and their voices, too.

As for why you went out on this piece - I suspect that you may have lost some people because, by and large, it feels a touch too fluffy - there doesn't quite feel like there's enough happening in the piece. At the end of six hundred fifty words, we have a relationship that's mostly happened offscreen, knowledge that they're on a ship somewhere and that this is some sort of post-apocalyptic world, but that's about it. No real conflict and resolution, nothing to really draw people in and make them care deeply, if that makes sense. Not to say that every entry needs to be meat and potatoes and an epic story arc, but I think this may veer too far into opposite direction of ethereal whipped cream

[banyangirl1832]

http://banyangirl1832.livejournal.com/88299.html

One of the weeks from last season - this one was an idea that I liked a lot, but I think the execution fell a bit short of the mark. Any crit would be appreciated!

[elledanger]

Okay - as with any crit feel free to take from it what you want, and disregard anything you don't agree with. This is simply what I'm seeing, and I tend to be fairly forthright

[banyangirl1832]

Thank you! I'll play around with the two halves, as it were, and try to get into the story sooner. Thanks for the crit!

[elledanger]

It's my pleasure and best of luck to you! :D