A Tale of Two Dead Ringers - Chapter 18
This is the *last* of the trippy, LSD-inspired chapters. Following the magic symmetry of The Daisies/Wonderfalls universe, it's time for Aaron Tyler's ego trip! But his out-of-body experience is not nearly as smooth and peaceful as Ned's. Quite to the contrary...
In this chapter... After passing out in the kitchen of the Pie Hole, Aaron has a hell of an out-of-body experience, tormented by the muses and his own Christian guilts.
Title: Chapter 18 - Down in the Muses' Territory
Word count: 4,223 Chapter count: 26
Previous chapters: S, P, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17
Observations: A Pushing Daisies/Wonderfalls crossover - a tale of mystery with a slight surreal touch.
Previously on “A Tale of Two Dead Ringers”
It's Halloween. Aaron and Ned have switched places to solve a mystery, which involves voodoo dolls representing Ned and Chuck, anonymous notes threatening Emerson and his friends, an old lady with muffins poisoned with “the zombie drug,” and a sinister coroner who moonlights as travel agent between two magical lands.
Segment from of Chapter 10 - “Recipe for a Perfect Pie”
One last pie is in the oven. Aaron is tired and frustrated, and all Digby can do is observe his new friend fail. Aaron feels confused, dizzy and slightly incoherent, but manages to confess that he admires Ned for his abilities, and for the fact that two fantastic girls love him. He admits to love them back, but in different ways.
Aaron gets dizzier, and confesses that he loves Chuck as a sister, and that he is attracted to Olive. Once again, he wishes he were more like Ned. As he says that, Aaron passes out.
Segment from Chapter 13 - “Cat Fight”
Chuck confesses to Digby that it broke her heart to treat Olive so badly, but she had no choice. She has a plan to unmask the impostor passing as Ned, and cannot do that if Olive is watching, since delicate secrets might be revealed in the process. Chuck asks for Digby's help in her plan. Digby finds himself in a fix, not knowing who to help this time.
Summary of Chapter 16 - “Chuck's Gambit”
The Pie Hole is crowded because apparently the Pie Maker has never made better pies before. To make matters worse, Olive is away, after having her heart broken by the Pie Maker, who changed his mind about taking her for lunch that day, and Chuck, who said she was being silly, and denying there was anything wrong with the Pie Maker.
Finally, Chuck makes a radical decision: send everyone home, as she needs to be alone with the Pie Maker to put her plan in motion. She confronts the Pie Maker, asking him questions about the day she introduced cup-pies in the Pie Hole, in the hopes that the impostor won't know the answer and will confess not being Ned.
But the impostor, who is in fact Ned's spirit, or mind, in Aaron's body, in weird mixture of the two, knows too much and passes any knowledge test she has for him. Getting desperate, she throws peaches at him for him to catch them, but he either catches them wearing latex gloves, or simply ducks and avoids being hit.
Chuck, next, realizes that for her gambit to work, she needs to sacrifice something, following the definition of the word gambit, which implies a sacrifice for a gain to happen. She challenges the impostor, saying she'll kiss him.
The Pie Maker reacts as Ned would, horrified with the idea that Chuck will touch him. He tries to leave the kitchen, but Digby won't allow him to pass. He then tries to use the back door, but a friendly bee, actually another projection of Ned's spiritual force, keeps the Aaron/Ned mixture from escaping into the back alley. And Chuck, crying as she faces the possibility of risking her life and kissing a man she doesn't beleive to be Ned, keeps coming closer and closer the impostor.
When she's about to touch him, Digby, also encouraged by Bee-Ned, takes action. He jumps onto the table, then on the impostor's face, licking it, giving a big, wet dog kiss, then dropping like a sack of potatoes.
Chuck is shocked and horrified thinking Digby sacrificed his life for her. But when Digby opens one eye, she realizes that man cannot be Ned, even though we are not sure whether Digby got "partially" killed, or was just pretending to have been zapped by the Pie Maker's death touch.
Now, the man claiming to be the Pie Maker is holding the dog playing dead, and crying as if Digby was really dead. But Chuck knows that's not Ned. So, she throws a glass of water on his face and demads to know who he really is, and where Ned is.
XVIII
Down In The Muses' Territory
(October 31st, Halloween, late afternoon - Niagara Falls - Jaye's trailer)
Aaron Tyler opened his eyes, and the first realization he had was that he was in his sister Jaye's trailer, on her bed. A bed too small, by the way, as there was not enough room for his feet.
The second realization Aaron Tyler had was that his head hurt, not too badly, but badly enough for it to be quite uncomfortable.
The third realization concerned about how he had gotten there, and what he'd been doing when he fell asleep. However, that realization never came, at least as directly and promptly as he wished.
He made a real effort to remember. OK, he remembered Dr. Ron asking him some questions. And for some funny reason he thought the year was 2008... The rest was fuzzy, at best.
He had some vague memories of being somewhere else, a strange place he'd never been to before. Obviously a dream. Aaron Tyler dreamed just about every night, and his dreams were always quite intense, so there was no surprise in that. But what if it was not a dream? Silly, why wouldn't it?
He tried to get up, but was only successful in his third attempt. And as he tried to walk, his head hurt even more, and something felt very strange, like when you're wearing someone else's clothes that almost fit you.
He opened the door and saw Jaye and Mahandra in the other part of the trailer. They seemed very anxious when they looked at him. A dog! He definitely remembered a dog... And a pie... A pie? Yeah, pies, plural...
“Well, well... Did you have a nice sleep?” asked Mahandra.
If there was a pie, it was at home... No, a kitchen, a strange kitchen. He was almost remembering, if only he could focus, but it was so hard and his mind felt so strange and alien.
“Here, Aaron. Take a seat. I'll get you something to eat. You had a nasty blow to your head.”
“Really? Thanks...” he replied curtly.
And there was a girl... There were always girls in his dreams. Sometimes he didn't remember any details of them but the feelings they awoke in him lingered long after the dream was over. And right now, that thought gave him a very warm and rewarding feeling, so he grinned. That was a thought worth pursuing.
But Mahandra had no more patience. She took another chair next to him, sat there, and nudged him with the elbow. It hurt his arm.
“Come on, Aaron. Did you have a nice sleep or not?”
“Honestly? It's hard to say... I can't remember,” he said, in a sort of robotic way. Words came out of his mouth like they had their own will.
“All right. But at least, do you remember me?
Aaron thought that was a ridiculous question and he wasn't in the mood of dignifying ridiculous questions with an answer.
Jaye removed the top of Mr. T's head, and picked the two cookies.
“I know! I'm gonna give those to Aaron,” she whispered, while she put the kettle on the stove to prepare tea. Aaron glimpsed at her and wondered how bad was his sister's situation with the talking figurines, and everything related to that. He had become used not to doubt her anymore, but that kind of situation always sounded just too strange and unusual.
Mahandra was staring at him, obviously still demanding an answer.
“What are you talking about?” he finally said to Mahandra.
“So, first you don't remember me, then you don't remember not remembering me? That makes me feel so much better.”
“I told you this is for Aaron... OK. I'll save one for later. Happy?” Jaye whispered again. Aaron decided to ignore her this time. Jaye had her quirks, and that's the way she was.
“Honestly I don't remember not remembering you. But of course I know who you are, Mahandra,” he said with a serious look.
The image of a pie-shaped restaurant popped in his mind. OK, THAT was a dream... He had dreamed crazier things before anyway.
“Really? So, of course you'd remember when we had our first kiss, right?”
Jealous alert! Mahandra had this problem. She was volatile and emotional. OK, that so-called “problem” was something that really attracted him. And there was no use wasting energy trying to remember some sort of ideal, large-breasted dream woman, when there was a real woman right in front of him that had genuine feelings for him. And he certainly had feelings for her, although he still wasn't quite sure how deep they were.
“Oh, boy... Of course I remember that.”
“So, tell me about it. Please humor me!” She was grinning like the Cat in Alice in Wonderland... She was like a feisty cat. Hey! Alice, in Wonderland... Lewis Carrol's book, Through the Looking Glass... Somehow that was VERY important, but he just couldn't connect the dots.
“Tea, anyone?” asked Jaye, with a cup in her hands. He took it and started sipping.
He appreciated it but wondered if she had some pie instead.
“Not now Jaye!” said Mahandra with evident irritation in her voice. “Aaron was about to tell me of our first kiss!”
“Thanks, sis,” he said.
“You must have this cookie too,” Jaye said, putting the saucer in front of his face.
“Did the cow creamer tell you to give me a cookie?” he asked. That cow creamer was a real tyrant!
“No. Mr. T Cookie Jar,” Jaye replied with an embarrassed look. He remembered a childhood incident involving his sister, a bully and a box of cookies. He smiled.
“All right. You ought to listen to Mr. T. He knows what he's talking about. OK. One cookie for old time's sake,” he said, and laughed. Jaye laughed too. Mahandra was the only one not laughing.
“Fine! Enjoy your cookie! I'm out of here!” complained Mahandra, standing up and resolutely walking to the door.
He took another sip of the hot tea. He thought the time for getting lost in thought was over. He had to show Mahandra what she meant for him. Reality first, dreams later!
“For whatever it's worth... I still think you're magnetic,” he said, remembering the events that had brought them together like they had happened the day before. Mahandra froze right in front of the door.
“What did you say?” she asked, without looking at him either.
“Like that evening, I still think you have great innate magnetism.”
She turned slowly, and looked at him. He looked at her with tenderness. Aha!he thought. She's coming around! You still got your mojo, Aaron Tyler!
“But then why hadn’t I really been attracting a lot of the brothers in the greater Niagara region?” she asked.
“Not all brothers! I'm somebody's brother,” he said, nodding at Jaye, who responded with a smile. Aaron was glad she was on board with his romance with Mahandra. Not that he mattered what his little sister thought, but he knew Mahandra would never date him if Jaye couldn't accept it.
Mahandra made a careful step, then another one towards him.
“And then we kissed?”
What? Is she kidding? Why the hell is she testing me? Oh, well, I'd better play along, he thought.
“Oh, I wish! But no... You had to play difficult. You said you were going to laugh. I had to challenge you to kiss me, remember?”
“Of course I remember, but I wasn't playing difficult. I was too embarrassed to let Jaye know something could happen between you and I,” she said, also vaguely nodding at Jaye's direction.
“Please! Pretend I'm not here...” Jaye begged.
“And did I take your challenge?” asked Mahandra, sitting next to him again. “Did I laugh...?”
“You came to see me later that evening. You didn't laugh. But you were trembling...”
“Oh, Aaron! It's really you! And you remember!” she said, hugging him. He hugged her back.
It really felt great for Aaron to walk down memory lane like that. And he and Mahandra remembered those initial magical moments in their budding romance, he really became assured of what he had found so attractive about her to begin with. That all went well, until she asked why he had behaved strangely that morning.
“I don't remember anything about this morning. I had a serious blow to the head, remember?”
“So you remember that?” Jaye asked.
“No, I don't! But I have empirical evidence that I was hit. Like this bump here,” he said, patting his left temple. And just trying to remember made it hurt even more. “Ouch... Hey! Why is my hair so short?” Why would somebody cut his hair while he was unconscious? Maybe he went to a barber shop in his dream?
“You don't remember anything about trying to find the old lady that poisoned you, and thinking she might've been Mrs. Beattle?” Jaye asked.
“That part is fuzzy,” he lied. He had absolute no recollection of anything related to that. “What the hell is going on here? Can anybody explain?”
And so they explained everything. Not that it was any help at all. It was like they were describing someone else's life.
Bu he had his life to worry about, and gladly things were working out with Mahandra beautifully. Then she bought up the subject of their trip to Australia, and she produced that plastic Tasmanian devil he'd given her. He wasn't sure why he had ever bought it. That thing gave him the creeps!
Aaron had been postponing the idea of taking such a long trip with Mahandra, but now things seemed so great, so perfect, that he decided, well why not... They would travel together! And finally, after making very promising plans for that Halloween evening, Mahandra left. Well, his love life had been saved!
Aaron took a long breath as he felt filled with inner peace. His life was fine. Not great, but fine. Well, that night it might just as well become great, if he and his girlfriend were creative enough... OK, he had a few memory gaps, but that didn't seem to matter. What could possibly go wrong?
He looked at the Tasmanian devil, and... An avalanche of images suddenly invaded his mind, as if the floodgates of the Papen County dam had instantly opened. Olive Snook... The Pie Hole... Charlotte “Chuck” Charles... A night in the hospital... The zombie drug... Emerson Cod, P.I... A dim sum restaurant... A whole town of vintage cars and restaurants that looked like food... The National Area for Retired Mills has become a theme park... Find out more at Travel Boutique Boutique Travel... Definitely things were NOT all right.
So, THAT was the dream? How could it? It felt so real. Aaron then remembered something in his philosophy studies that had stirred his imagination, the allegory of Plato's Cave. About a group of prisoners in shackles who could only see shadows of the world outside. Were the shadows the real world? What was real, and what was not?
“I... I'm not sure what's going on, Jaye. But I'm still very confused...” he told his sister Jaye.
“I thought you were all right, Aaron.”
Yeah, and so did he, until a few seconds ago.
“I can't explain why... Something is still terribly wrong. I just don't want to involve Mahandra any deeper than she is involved. She wouldn't understand.”
“And I would?” wondered Jaye.
“You're more used and open to this other, metaphysical reality I've studied all my adult life, but never experienced it. You have. There's something unique happening here.”
Aaron's logical mind was still trying to cope with his dual reality, but he was not doing quite well. Next his sister and he engaged in a useless argument that involved mutual criticism. That was going nowhere and they soon realized it.
“It was my fault,” she finally admitted. “You've been really nice to me, especially ever since you agreed to take that package with gifts on your trip to Canada.”
Oh, yeah, the trip to Canada that ended in... Wonderland, he thought. Jaye hugged him, and he hugged her back.
“What?” she asked
“You said something?” he spoke.
Jaye had that blank look she has sometimes. Then she closed her eyes, and gave him a timid kiss on the cheek.
“Wow, Jaye. That was sweet.”
He then looked into his sister's eyes, and something felt terribly wrong. And he could hear a distant choir of voices, saying “KISS HIM ON THE LIPS! KISS HIM ON THE LIPS!”
What the hell was going on? OK, definitely Plato's Cave mystery had been solved. THAT was the dream, as he, more than once, had already dreamed that he, too, could hear the figurine muses. Aaron guessed he was still passed out, probably on the floor of the Pie Hole kitchen. Gas leak poisoning probably? And he was starting to lose him mind. But there was no way he was going to have a dream in which his sister kissed him. That had to end NOW!!!
Suddenly Aaron Tyler wasn't inside that body anymore. But how come he could still see what was going on?
Oh, great, he thought. I don't make out with my sister in my dream, but I see myself making out with her? But that's not me; that's that guy who looks like me, Ned. And I... I can't move...
“That was sweet. In a quaint and unusual way... Like dessert spoons. Like when you use a table spoon because that's all you can find,” said Ned.
Aaron realized he was watching the scene from the tabletop right next to them. Now he was in the Plastic Tasmanian Devil!
“Spoons?” she asked confused.
But what if this was not a dream, and both realities were actually going on? Out-of-body experiences had been carefully documented in many religions Aaron had studied. He had never actually believed them, but he knew all about them, in theory. And because of his present situation, it was undeniable that something unexplainable by science was really happening.
Considering that, Aaron realized, by witnessing that scene, that this entire charade had to end right then, because it was definitely taking a huge toll on his sister's fragile emotional state. She always wanted to appear tough, but this was too much for her. And if Ned was confused as he was, he had to be shocked out of that state one way or another.
It was then that he heard the other muses:
“KISS HIM ON THE LIPS!”
“Yes! You got a tablespoon, but in fact you were looking for a teaspoon, and then, before you eat the pie, you start stirring your tea with the wrong spoon, but finally find the teaspoon you were looking for and realize, oh, I should've looked better,” Ned went on.
Aaron decided that Ned wasn't making much sense, but he was in the process of regaining control of his own body. He just needed a push. And he was just happy to provide that.
“Kiss him on the lips!” demanded Aaron, the Tasmanian Devil, in a devilish tone. He knew his sister could hear him now, and he had to sound convincing to her.
“What? Are you out of your freaking mind?” she asked angrily.
Good, she heard me, Aaron thought.
“Kiss him on the lips now!” Aaron shouted.
“I'm not out of my mind,” Ned said. “This is much more common than you think. You use the wrong spoon, then regret not having been patient enough to look carefully for the right spoon, but in a kitchen it's always necessary to use the correct utensil...” he continued.
“Quit yo jibba-jabba and kiss him on the lips!” said Mr. T.
“Yes! On the lips!” confirmed the Wax Lion.
“Don't be afraid, my child. Kiss him on the lips,” said the Brass Monkey.
“You can't expect me to do this!” said Jaye, almost fuming.
“This spoon problem is quite serious! And we suffer because we aren't patient enough, or just don't have the courage and determination to do the right thing at the right time...” he said, still rambling about spoons.
“ON THE LIPS! ON THE LIPS! ON THE LIPS” spoke all of the dozens of figures with faces spread all over her trailer, which now included Aaron. Her face was a couple inches from his.
“Gosh, why am I sweating? This is not supposed to happen between us, Jaye... It's just so wrong, on so many levels!” he insisted.
“ON THE LIPS!!!” the chorus continued.
Finally, she closed her eyes again, made a really disgusted face, and she smacked him on the lips. And all the room went silent.
At that precise moment, Jaye's boyfriend Eric stood in the doorway, with a baffled expression on his face, and a complete inability to explain what he had just seen.
“Jaye??? And Aaron... How could you?” said Eric, her boyfriend. “The room is spinning... I need to get out of here...”
The Tasmanian Devil gave a devilish laugh, its big mouth wide open. Then the figurines all start giggling. Giggles turned into laughter, annoyingly mocking laughter. Thunderous mocking laughter.
What am I doing? Why am I laughing? Aaron thought with great amount of guilt. This whole muse lifestyle is starting to affect me.
Aaron managed to control the devil, but all the other impish figurines kept giggling and laughing.
“Damn it, stranger! Snap out of it! You owe me that at least,” she said. She slapped him on the face with a mixture of great energy and frustration. At the same time, a thunder rumbled all over the place and shook the trailer.
Aaron, still inside the Tasmanian Devil, started to move. He had always wondered if those muses were ambulatory. Apparently they were. No... He was moving because the trailer was shaking... And he was losing balance... And he was starting to... FALL!!!
And then Aaron fell, but could still see Ned wake up and give him a direct and strange look. Falling from the top of a table was a terrible sensation, because it was as if a human being fell from a 50-yard height at least, and he knew that was going hurt. And it did hurt A LOT when he reached the floor.
Except that... Once he reached the floor, something even weirder happened. He kept falling! Through the floor. And falling, and falling forever.
Until he stopped on another floor. He promptly got up. Aaron was happy to find out he was human again, and his head didn't hurt anymore. He looked around and realized he was in a big, endlessly empty... white room. The room was extremely bright, and an eerie fog emerged from the floor. Abducted by aliens? He thought.
“What are you doing here?” a voice reverberated, coming from everywhere.
“Who's that? Where am I?” Aaron shouted.
A figure appeared from inside the fog. It looked like a plastic bison, except that.. it was as big as a building!
“You've reached the Muses' Territory, of course!' said the Bison.
“He's INVADING the Territory! Like he invaded my earthly body!” said another voice. It was a gigantic version of the Tasmanian Devil, also emerging from the same fog. “How did you do that? What powers do you possess?” the Devil asked.
“I... I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know how it happened!” Aaron explained.
“You're lying!!!” shouted the Tasmanian Devil. “No human has ever been able to get here! But your magic is not a match for ours!”
“Leave him alone! That's perfectly normal! Perfectly normal!” said a voice coming from behind Aaron. He turned quickly and saw another giant: the Brass Monkey. “This was supposed to happen one day.”
“I say, crush him like a bug!” said the Plastic Tasmanian Devil.
“Wait a minute, fellows!” Aaron shouted. “Let's not do anything drastic you'll regret later. Remember, I've always treated you with the most respect!”
“Moooooo!!!! is that so?” A cow creamer the size of a boat appeared on Aaron's left side. “Except when you break our head to remove our mouth. What do you have against freedom of expression?”
“I'm really sorry, Cow Creamer! It was a foolish act out of ignorance.”
“Maybe we should remove YOUR head instead. How does that feel? Moooo!!!!”
“I beg your forgiveness. I was afraid and confused. Besides, I glued your head back! Twice!”
“Kill him!” said the Muffin Bison.
“Yo, fool! Quite the jibba-jabba! You ain't gonna kill him no more,” said a cathedral-sized Mr. T Cookie Jar, which was just joining the conversation. “He was just protectin' his sista! And you got to treat ya family right.”
And suddenly they all started debating on what should be done with the intruder, but with everyone speaking at the same time, including Aaron, no understanding would ever be possible.
“Gentleman! Lady! This way we'll accomplish nothing! If we can't come to a decision, then we should listen to our king!” said the Brass Monkey.
They all went silent, and a sense of reverence and awe filled the place. They moved to the sides and made way for the King to appear. Next, a gigantic Wax Lion with a smooshed face emerged from the fog.
“Majesty!” said the Brass Monkey. “should we kill the intruder or send him away?”
“May I say something in my defense?” Aaron asked.
“No, you may not,” explained the Brass Monkey.
The Wax Lion leaned a little to take a better look at that tiny, insignificant figure that lay by their feet. The other muses seemed to wait with anticipation for the monarch's decision. Very long seconds passed.
Finally the king just uttered one sound, which wasn't even a word.
“Hmpf...” And then he shrugged.
“Please, Your Majesty,” insisted the Monkey. “We need a ruling.”
“Send him where he belongs,” the King sentenced.
“Wait! I have to ask you something,” Aaron declared. “Why do you talk to my sister, but not to me?!”
“Because she listens!” said the Brass Monkey.
“I listen too! At least I want to!” Aaron insisted.
“Moo! We're not interested in you!” said the Cow Creamer.
“But somebody is...” said the Monkey.
“Well, in that case, I demand that you stop disturbing my sister. She's been tormented enough! You creatures are malevolent. No wonder I had to go DOWN to get here!” said Aaron using a sarcastic tone.
“Going down?” asked the Monkey.
The Wax Lion leaned a little again.
“You haven't seen anything...” said the Lion.
And suddenly the ground below Aaron's feet disappeared. And he stared falling down. And he fell for an undetermined amount of time, until he was stopped by a rock. This time it hurt much more.
A figure in a stone throne materialized in front of him.
“Welcome, Mr. Tyler!” said the figure.
“You've got to be kidding!” said Aaron. The figure had a red skin, horns, hooves and held a pitchfork.
“Welcome to Hell, Mr. Tyler. Is this how you expected things to be?”
“Honestly I don't think I belong in Hell!”
“Only the pure of heart escape from me. That's why even that Ned guy may be beyond my reach. And he might even get away with murder! Tell me, is that fair?” asked the Devil.
“I really couldn't say. But why me?” asked a frightened Aaron.
“You've mocked God long enough with your lack of faith, your sarcasm, your arrogance, and your lack of respect towards religion! This is why we've prepared the Christian Hell for you! A cliché, but it works.”
“Well, I don't believe you! You're not real! You're just a figment of my imagination and I'm not afraid of you. Is that all you've got?” said Aaron, challenging the Devil.
“Really? Let's see how you handle this!”
The Devil raised his arm and suddenly there was fire all around Aaron. The fire was intense and burning hot. For a moment he felt he had no escape.
Then all of a sudden, a huge wave of water invaded the place, putting out the fire, and knocking Aaron down. He was sitting on the ground with his back against something hard, and his face wet. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
“I repeat! Who are you and where's my Ned?” Chuck, holding an empty glass of water, demanded again.
“Chuck?!” Aaron, realizing he was back in the Pie Hole kitchen, gave the happiest smile he ever did.
“Yeah! Who are you and where's OUR Ned?” asked Olive, who had just entered the kitchen.
In this chapter... After passing out in the kitchen of the Pie Hole, Aaron has a hell of an out-of-body experience, tormented by the muses and his own Christian guilts.
Title: Chapter 18 - Down in the Muses' Territory
Word count: 4,223 Chapter count: 26
Previous chapters: S, P, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17
Observations: A Pushing Daisies/Wonderfalls crossover - a tale of mystery with a slight surreal touch.
Previously on “A Tale of Two Dead Ringers”
It's Halloween. Aaron and Ned have switched places to solve a mystery, which involves voodoo dolls representing Ned and Chuck, anonymous notes threatening Emerson and his friends, an old lady with muffins poisoned with “the zombie drug,” and a sinister coroner who moonlights as travel agent between two magical lands.
Segment from of Chapter 10 - “Recipe for a Perfect Pie”
One last pie is in the oven. Aaron is tired and frustrated, and all Digby can do is observe his new friend fail. Aaron feels confused, dizzy and slightly incoherent, but manages to confess that he admires Ned for his abilities, and for the fact that two fantastic girls love him. He admits to love them back, but in different ways.
Aaron gets dizzier, and confesses that he loves Chuck as a sister, and that he is attracted to Olive. Once again, he wishes he were more like Ned. As he says that, Aaron passes out.
Segment from Chapter 13 - “Cat Fight”
Chuck confesses to Digby that it broke her heart to treat Olive so badly, but she had no choice. She has a plan to unmask the impostor passing as Ned, and cannot do that if Olive is watching, since delicate secrets might be revealed in the process. Chuck asks for Digby's help in her plan. Digby finds himself in a fix, not knowing who to help this time.
Summary of Chapter 16 - “Chuck's Gambit”
The Pie Hole is crowded because apparently the Pie Maker has never made better pies before. To make matters worse, Olive is away, after having her heart broken by the Pie Maker, who changed his mind about taking her for lunch that day, and Chuck, who said she was being silly, and denying there was anything wrong with the Pie Maker.
Finally, Chuck makes a radical decision: send everyone home, as she needs to be alone with the Pie Maker to put her plan in motion. She confronts the Pie Maker, asking him questions about the day she introduced cup-pies in the Pie Hole, in the hopes that the impostor won't know the answer and will confess not being Ned.
But the impostor, who is in fact Ned's spirit, or mind, in Aaron's body, in weird mixture of the two, knows too much and passes any knowledge test she has for him. Getting desperate, she throws peaches at him for him to catch them, but he either catches them wearing latex gloves, or simply ducks and avoids being hit.
Chuck, next, realizes that for her gambit to work, she needs to sacrifice something, following the definition of the word gambit, which implies a sacrifice for a gain to happen. She challenges the impostor, saying she'll kiss him.
The Pie Maker reacts as Ned would, horrified with the idea that Chuck will touch him. He tries to leave the kitchen, but Digby won't allow him to pass. He then tries to use the back door, but a friendly bee, actually another projection of Ned's spiritual force, keeps the Aaron/Ned mixture from escaping into the back alley. And Chuck, crying as she faces the possibility of risking her life and kissing a man she doesn't beleive to be Ned, keeps coming closer and closer the impostor.
When she's about to touch him, Digby, also encouraged by Bee-Ned, takes action. He jumps onto the table, then on the impostor's face, licking it, giving a big, wet dog kiss, then dropping like a sack of potatoes.
Chuck is shocked and horrified thinking Digby sacrificed his life for her. But when Digby opens one eye, she realizes that man cannot be Ned, even though we are not sure whether Digby got "partially" killed, or was just pretending to have been zapped by the Pie Maker's death touch.
Now, the man claiming to be the Pie Maker is holding the dog playing dead, and crying as if Digby was really dead. But Chuck knows that's not Ned. So, she throws a glass of water on his face and demads to know who he really is, and where Ned is.
XVIII
Down In The Muses' Territory
(October 31st, Halloween, late afternoon - Niagara Falls - Jaye's trailer)
Aaron Tyler opened his eyes, and the first realization he had was that he was in his sister Jaye's trailer, on her bed. A bed too small, by the way, as there was not enough room for his feet.
The second realization Aaron Tyler had was that his head hurt, not too badly, but badly enough for it to be quite uncomfortable.
The third realization concerned about how he had gotten there, and what he'd been doing when he fell asleep. However, that realization never came, at least as directly and promptly as he wished.
He made a real effort to remember. OK, he remembered Dr. Ron asking him some questions. And for some funny reason he thought the year was 2008... The rest was fuzzy, at best.
He had some vague memories of being somewhere else, a strange place he'd never been to before. Obviously a dream. Aaron Tyler dreamed just about every night, and his dreams were always quite intense, so there was no surprise in that. But what if it was not a dream? Silly, why wouldn't it?
He tried to get up, but was only successful in his third attempt. And as he tried to walk, his head hurt even more, and something felt very strange, like when you're wearing someone else's clothes that almost fit you.
He opened the door and saw Jaye and Mahandra in the other part of the trailer. They seemed very anxious when they looked at him. A dog! He definitely remembered a dog... And a pie... A pie? Yeah, pies, plural...
“Well, well... Did you have a nice sleep?” asked Mahandra.
If there was a pie, it was at home... No, a kitchen, a strange kitchen. He was almost remembering, if only he could focus, but it was so hard and his mind felt so strange and alien.
“Here, Aaron. Take a seat. I'll get you something to eat. You had a nasty blow to your head.”
“Really? Thanks...” he replied curtly.
And there was a girl... There were always girls in his dreams. Sometimes he didn't remember any details of them but the feelings they awoke in him lingered long after the dream was over. And right now, that thought gave him a very warm and rewarding feeling, so he grinned. That was a thought worth pursuing.
But Mahandra had no more patience. She took another chair next to him, sat there, and nudged him with the elbow. It hurt his arm.
“Come on, Aaron. Did you have a nice sleep or not?”
“Honestly? It's hard to say... I can't remember,” he said, in a sort of robotic way. Words came out of his mouth like they had their own will.
“All right. But at least, do you remember me?
Aaron thought that was a ridiculous question and he wasn't in the mood of dignifying ridiculous questions with an answer.
Jaye removed the top of Mr. T's head, and picked the two cookies.
“I know! I'm gonna give those to Aaron,” she whispered, while she put the kettle on the stove to prepare tea. Aaron glimpsed at her and wondered how bad was his sister's situation with the talking figurines, and everything related to that. He had become used not to doubt her anymore, but that kind of situation always sounded just too strange and unusual.
Mahandra was staring at him, obviously still demanding an answer.
“What are you talking about?” he finally said to Mahandra.
“So, first you don't remember me, then you don't remember not remembering me? That makes me feel so much better.”
“I told you this is for Aaron... OK. I'll save one for later. Happy?” Jaye whispered again. Aaron decided to ignore her this time. Jaye had her quirks, and that's the way she was.
“Honestly I don't remember not remembering you. But of course I know who you are, Mahandra,” he said with a serious look.
The image of a pie-shaped restaurant popped in his mind. OK, THAT was a dream... He had dreamed crazier things before anyway.
“Really? So, of course you'd remember when we had our first kiss, right?”
Jealous alert! Mahandra had this problem. She was volatile and emotional. OK, that so-called “problem” was something that really attracted him. And there was no use wasting energy trying to remember some sort of ideal, large-breasted dream woman, when there was a real woman right in front of him that had genuine feelings for him. And he certainly had feelings for her, although he still wasn't quite sure how deep they were.
“Oh, boy... Of course I remember that.”
“So, tell me about it. Please humor me!” She was grinning like the Cat in Alice in Wonderland... She was like a feisty cat. Hey! Alice, in Wonderland... Lewis Carrol's book, Through the Looking Glass... Somehow that was VERY important, but he just couldn't connect the dots.
“Tea, anyone?” asked Jaye, with a cup in her hands. He took it and started sipping.
He appreciated it but wondered if she had some pie instead.
“Not now Jaye!” said Mahandra with evident irritation in her voice. “Aaron was about to tell me of our first kiss!”
“Thanks, sis,” he said.
“You must have this cookie too,” Jaye said, putting the saucer in front of his face.
“Did the cow creamer tell you to give me a cookie?” he asked. That cow creamer was a real tyrant!
“No. Mr. T Cookie Jar,” Jaye replied with an embarrassed look. He remembered a childhood incident involving his sister, a bully and a box of cookies. He smiled.
“All right. You ought to listen to Mr. T. He knows what he's talking about. OK. One cookie for old time's sake,” he said, and laughed. Jaye laughed too. Mahandra was the only one not laughing.
“Fine! Enjoy your cookie! I'm out of here!” complained Mahandra, standing up and resolutely walking to the door.
He took another sip of the hot tea. He thought the time for getting lost in thought was over. He had to show Mahandra what she meant for him. Reality first, dreams later!
“For whatever it's worth... I still think you're magnetic,” he said, remembering the events that had brought them together like they had happened the day before. Mahandra froze right in front of the door.
“What did you say?” she asked, without looking at him either.
“Like that evening, I still think you have great innate magnetism.”
She turned slowly, and looked at him. He looked at her with tenderness. Aha!he thought. She's coming around! You still got your mojo, Aaron Tyler!
“But then why hadn’t I really been attracting a lot of the brothers in the greater Niagara region?” she asked.
“Not all brothers! I'm somebody's brother,” he said, nodding at Jaye, who responded with a smile. Aaron was glad she was on board with his romance with Mahandra. Not that he mattered what his little sister thought, but he knew Mahandra would never date him if Jaye couldn't accept it.
Mahandra made a careful step, then another one towards him.
“And then we kissed?”
What? Is she kidding? Why the hell is she testing me? Oh, well, I'd better play along, he thought.
“Oh, I wish! But no... You had to play difficult. You said you were going to laugh. I had to challenge you to kiss me, remember?”
“Of course I remember, but I wasn't playing difficult. I was too embarrassed to let Jaye know something could happen between you and I,” she said, also vaguely nodding at Jaye's direction.
“Please! Pretend I'm not here...” Jaye begged.
“And did I take your challenge?” asked Mahandra, sitting next to him again. “Did I laugh...?”
“You came to see me later that evening. You didn't laugh. But you were trembling...”
“Oh, Aaron! It's really you! And you remember!” she said, hugging him. He hugged her back.
It really felt great for Aaron to walk down memory lane like that. And he and Mahandra remembered those initial magical moments in their budding romance, he really became assured of what he had found so attractive about her to begin with. That all went well, until she asked why he had behaved strangely that morning.
“I don't remember anything about this morning. I had a serious blow to the head, remember?”
“So you remember that?” Jaye asked.
“No, I don't! But I have empirical evidence that I was hit. Like this bump here,” he said, patting his left temple. And just trying to remember made it hurt even more. “Ouch... Hey! Why is my hair so short?” Why would somebody cut his hair while he was unconscious? Maybe he went to a barber shop in his dream?
“You don't remember anything about trying to find the old lady that poisoned you, and thinking she might've been Mrs. Beattle?” Jaye asked.
“That part is fuzzy,” he lied. He had absolute no recollection of anything related to that. “What the hell is going on here? Can anybody explain?”
And so they explained everything. Not that it was any help at all. It was like they were describing someone else's life.
Bu he had his life to worry about, and gladly things were working out with Mahandra beautifully. Then she bought up the subject of their trip to Australia, and she produced that plastic Tasmanian devil he'd given her. He wasn't sure why he had ever bought it. That thing gave him the creeps!
Aaron had been postponing the idea of taking such a long trip with Mahandra, but now things seemed so great, so perfect, that he decided, well why not... They would travel together! And finally, after making very promising plans for that Halloween evening, Mahandra left. Well, his love life had been saved!
Aaron took a long breath as he felt filled with inner peace. His life was fine. Not great, but fine. Well, that night it might just as well become great, if he and his girlfriend were creative enough... OK, he had a few memory gaps, but that didn't seem to matter. What could possibly go wrong?
He looked at the Tasmanian devil, and... An avalanche of images suddenly invaded his mind, as if the floodgates of the Papen County dam had instantly opened. Olive Snook... The Pie Hole... Charlotte “Chuck” Charles... A night in the hospital... The zombie drug... Emerson Cod, P.I... A dim sum restaurant... A whole town of vintage cars and restaurants that looked like food... The National Area for Retired Mills has become a theme park... Find out more at Travel Boutique Boutique Travel... Definitely things were NOT all right.
So, THAT was the dream? How could it? It felt so real. Aaron then remembered something in his philosophy studies that had stirred his imagination, the allegory of Plato's Cave. About a group of prisoners in shackles who could only see shadows of the world outside. Were the shadows the real world? What was real, and what was not?
“I... I'm not sure what's going on, Jaye. But I'm still very confused...” he told his sister Jaye.
“I thought you were all right, Aaron.”
Yeah, and so did he, until a few seconds ago.
“I can't explain why... Something is still terribly wrong. I just don't want to involve Mahandra any deeper than she is involved. She wouldn't understand.”
“And I would?” wondered Jaye.
“You're more used and open to this other, metaphysical reality I've studied all my adult life, but never experienced it. You have. There's something unique happening here.”
Aaron's logical mind was still trying to cope with his dual reality, but he was not doing quite well. Next his sister and he engaged in a useless argument that involved mutual criticism. That was going nowhere and they soon realized it.
“It was my fault,” she finally admitted. “You've been really nice to me, especially ever since you agreed to take that package with gifts on your trip to Canada.”
Oh, yeah, the trip to Canada that ended in... Wonderland, he thought. Jaye hugged him, and he hugged her back.
“What?” she asked
“You said something?” he spoke.
Jaye had that blank look she has sometimes. Then she closed her eyes, and gave him a timid kiss on the cheek.
“Wow, Jaye. That was sweet.”
He then looked into his sister's eyes, and something felt terribly wrong. And he could hear a distant choir of voices, saying “KISS HIM ON THE LIPS! KISS HIM ON THE LIPS!”
What the hell was going on? OK, definitely Plato's Cave mystery had been solved. THAT was the dream, as he, more than once, had already dreamed that he, too, could hear the figurine muses. Aaron guessed he was still passed out, probably on the floor of the Pie Hole kitchen. Gas leak poisoning probably? And he was starting to lose him mind. But there was no way he was going to have a dream in which his sister kissed him. That had to end NOW!!!
Suddenly Aaron Tyler wasn't inside that body anymore. But how come he could still see what was going on?
Oh, great, he thought. I don't make out with my sister in my dream, but I see myself making out with her? But that's not me; that's that guy who looks like me, Ned. And I... I can't move...
“That was sweet. In a quaint and unusual way... Like dessert spoons. Like when you use a table spoon because that's all you can find,” said Ned.
Aaron realized he was watching the scene from the tabletop right next to them. Now he was in the Plastic Tasmanian Devil!
“Spoons?” she asked confused.
But what if this was not a dream, and both realities were actually going on? Out-of-body experiences had been carefully documented in many religions Aaron had studied. He had never actually believed them, but he knew all about them, in theory. And because of his present situation, it was undeniable that something unexplainable by science was really happening.
Considering that, Aaron realized, by witnessing that scene, that this entire charade had to end right then, because it was definitely taking a huge toll on his sister's fragile emotional state. She always wanted to appear tough, but this was too much for her. And if Ned was confused as he was, he had to be shocked out of that state one way or another.
It was then that he heard the other muses:
“KISS HIM ON THE LIPS!”
“Yes! You got a tablespoon, but in fact you were looking for a teaspoon, and then, before you eat the pie, you start stirring your tea with the wrong spoon, but finally find the teaspoon you were looking for and realize, oh, I should've looked better,” Ned went on.
Aaron decided that Ned wasn't making much sense, but he was in the process of regaining control of his own body. He just needed a push. And he was just happy to provide that.
“Kiss him on the lips!” demanded Aaron, the Tasmanian Devil, in a devilish tone. He knew his sister could hear him now, and he had to sound convincing to her.
“What? Are you out of your freaking mind?” she asked angrily.
Good, she heard me, Aaron thought.
“Kiss him on the lips now!” Aaron shouted.
“I'm not out of my mind,” Ned said. “This is much more common than you think. You use the wrong spoon, then regret not having been patient enough to look carefully for the right spoon, but in a kitchen it's always necessary to use the correct utensil...” he continued.
“Quit yo jibba-jabba and kiss him on the lips!” said Mr. T.
“Yes! On the lips!” confirmed the Wax Lion.
“Don't be afraid, my child. Kiss him on the lips,” said the Brass Monkey.
“You can't expect me to do this!” said Jaye, almost fuming.
“This spoon problem is quite serious! And we suffer because we aren't patient enough, or just don't have the courage and determination to do the right thing at the right time...” he said, still rambling about spoons.
“ON THE LIPS! ON THE LIPS! ON THE LIPS” spoke all of the dozens of figures with faces spread all over her trailer, which now included Aaron. Her face was a couple inches from his.
“Gosh, why am I sweating? This is not supposed to happen between us, Jaye... It's just so wrong, on so many levels!” he insisted.
“ON THE LIPS!!!” the chorus continued.
Finally, she closed her eyes again, made a really disgusted face, and she smacked him on the lips. And all the room went silent.
At that precise moment, Jaye's boyfriend Eric stood in the doorway, with a baffled expression on his face, and a complete inability to explain what he had just seen.
“Jaye??? And Aaron... How could you?” said Eric, her boyfriend. “The room is spinning... I need to get out of here...”
The Tasmanian Devil gave a devilish laugh, its big mouth wide open. Then the figurines all start giggling. Giggles turned into laughter, annoyingly mocking laughter. Thunderous mocking laughter.
What am I doing? Why am I laughing? Aaron thought with great amount of guilt. This whole muse lifestyle is starting to affect me.
Aaron managed to control the devil, but all the other impish figurines kept giggling and laughing.
“Damn it, stranger! Snap out of it! You owe me that at least,” she said. She slapped him on the face with a mixture of great energy and frustration. At the same time, a thunder rumbled all over the place and shook the trailer.
Aaron, still inside the Tasmanian Devil, started to move. He had always wondered if those muses were ambulatory. Apparently they were. No... He was moving because the trailer was shaking... And he was losing balance... And he was starting to... FALL!!!
And then Aaron fell, but could still see Ned wake up and give him a direct and strange look. Falling from the top of a table was a terrible sensation, because it was as if a human being fell from a 50-yard height at least, and he knew that was going hurt. And it did hurt A LOT when he reached the floor.
Except that... Once he reached the floor, something even weirder happened. He kept falling! Through the floor. And falling, and falling forever.
Until he stopped on another floor. He promptly got up. Aaron was happy to find out he was human again, and his head didn't hurt anymore. He looked around and realized he was in a big, endlessly empty... white room. The room was extremely bright, and an eerie fog emerged from the floor. Abducted by aliens? He thought.
“What are you doing here?” a voice reverberated, coming from everywhere.
“Who's that? Where am I?” Aaron shouted.
A figure appeared from inside the fog. It looked like a plastic bison, except that.. it was as big as a building!
“You've reached the Muses' Territory, of course!' said the Bison.
“He's INVADING the Territory! Like he invaded my earthly body!” said another voice. It was a gigantic version of the Tasmanian Devil, also emerging from the same fog. “How did you do that? What powers do you possess?” the Devil asked.
“I... I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know how it happened!” Aaron explained.
“You're lying!!!” shouted the Tasmanian Devil. “No human has ever been able to get here! But your magic is not a match for ours!”
“Leave him alone! That's perfectly normal! Perfectly normal!” said a voice coming from behind Aaron. He turned quickly and saw another giant: the Brass Monkey. “This was supposed to happen one day.”
“I say, crush him like a bug!” said the Plastic Tasmanian Devil.
“Wait a minute, fellows!” Aaron shouted. “Let's not do anything drastic you'll regret later. Remember, I've always treated you with the most respect!”
“Moooooo!!!! is that so?” A cow creamer the size of a boat appeared on Aaron's left side. “Except when you break our head to remove our mouth. What do you have against freedom of expression?”
“I'm really sorry, Cow Creamer! It was a foolish act out of ignorance.”
“Maybe we should remove YOUR head instead. How does that feel? Moooo!!!!”
“I beg your forgiveness. I was afraid and confused. Besides, I glued your head back! Twice!”
“Kill him!” said the Muffin Bison.
“Yo, fool! Quite the jibba-jabba! You ain't gonna kill him no more,” said a cathedral-sized Mr. T Cookie Jar, which was just joining the conversation. “He was just protectin' his sista! And you got to treat ya family right.”
And suddenly they all started debating on what should be done with the intruder, but with everyone speaking at the same time, including Aaron, no understanding would ever be possible.
“Gentleman! Lady! This way we'll accomplish nothing! If we can't come to a decision, then we should listen to our king!” said the Brass Monkey.
They all went silent, and a sense of reverence and awe filled the place. They moved to the sides and made way for the King to appear. Next, a gigantic Wax Lion with a smooshed face emerged from the fog.
“Majesty!” said the Brass Monkey. “should we kill the intruder or send him away?”
“May I say something in my defense?” Aaron asked.
“No, you may not,” explained the Brass Monkey.
The Wax Lion leaned a little to take a better look at that tiny, insignificant figure that lay by their feet. The other muses seemed to wait with anticipation for the monarch's decision. Very long seconds passed.
Finally the king just uttered one sound, which wasn't even a word.
“Hmpf...” And then he shrugged.
“Please, Your Majesty,” insisted the Monkey. “We need a ruling.”
“Send him where he belongs,” the King sentenced.
“Wait! I have to ask you something,” Aaron declared. “Why do you talk to my sister, but not to me?!”
“Because she listens!” said the Brass Monkey.
“I listen too! At least I want to!” Aaron insisted.
“Moo! We're not interested in you!” said the Cow Creamer.
“But somebody is...” said the Monkey.
“Well, in that case, I demand that you stop disturbing my sister. She's been tormented enough! You creatures are malevolent. No wonder I had to go DOWN to get here!” said Aaron using a sarcastic tone.
“Going down?” asked the Monkey.
The Wax Lion leaned a little again.
“You haven't seen anything...” said the Lion.
And suddenly the ground below Aaron's feet disappeared. And he stared falling down. And he fell for an undetermined amount of time, until he was stopped by a rock. This time it hurt much more.
A figure in a stone throne materialized in front of him.
“Welcome, Mr. Tyler!” said the figure.
“You've got to be kidding!” said Aaron. The figure had a red skin, horns, hooves and held a pitchfork.
“Welcome to Hell, Mr. Tyler. Is this how you expected things to be?”
“Honestly I don't think I belong in Hell!”
“Only the pure of heart escape from me. That's why even that Ned guy may be beyond my reach. And he might even get away with murder! Tell me, is that fair?” asked the Devil.
“I really couldn't say. But why me?” asked a frightened Aaron.
“You've mocked God long enough with your lack of faith, your sarcasm, your arrogance, and your lack of respect towards religion! This is why we've prepared the Christian Hell for you! A cliché, but it works.”
“Well, I don't believe you! You're not real! You're just a figment of my imagination and I'm not afraid of you. Is that all you've got?” said Aaron, challenging the Devil.
“Really? Let's see how you handle this!”
The Devil raised his arm and suddenly there was fire all around Aaron. The fire was intense and burning hot. For a moment he felt he had no escape.
Then all of a sudden, a huge wave of water invaded the place, putting out the fire, and knocking Aaron down. He was sitting on the ground with his back against something hard, and his face wet. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
“I repeat! Who are you and where's my Ned?” Chuck, holding an empty glass of water, demanded again.
“Chuck?!” Aaron, realizing he was back in the Pie Hole kitchen, gave the happiest smile he ever did.
“Yeah! Who are you and where's OUR Ned?” asked Olive, who had just entered the kitchen.