A Tale of Two Dead Ringers - Chapter 17
Now prepare yourselves for a big ego trip! And no, I'm not talking about my vain feelings as a writer...
In this chapter... Ned confronts his fears and fantasies in the most unusual and fantastical way.
]
Title: Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life
Word count: 4,821 Chapter count: 26
Previous chapters: S, P, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
Observations: A Pushing Daisies/Wonderfalls crossover - a tale of mystery with a slight surreal touch.
Previously on “A Tale of Two Dead Ringers”
It's Halloween. Aaron and Ned have switched places to solve a mystery, which involves voodoo dolls representing Ned and Chuck, anonymous notes threatening Emerson and his friends, an old lady with muffins poisoned with “the zombie drug,” and a sinister coroner who moonlights as travel agent between two magical lands.
Summary of Chapter 15 - “Plastic Tasmanian Devil”
After having witnessed the behavior of the man thought to be Aaron, Mahandra is in Jaye's trailer waiting for him to wake up, so she can ask him many questions. The whole situation is making Jaye uncomfortable. But Mahandra is determined to get an explanation from Aaron as to why he didn't remember her name, for instance.
Finally he wakes up, and Mahandra starts asking him about things only Aaron could know, like their first kiss. At the same time, Mr. T Cookie Jar keeps saying she must save a cookie for Aaron. He seems aloof and not looking like he'll remember anything that will put Mahandra's mind at ease. So she decides to leave.
As she does so, he starts talking about the series of events that led to their first kiss. It melts Mahandra's heart and she feels loved again. He then suggests they take that trip to Australia they've been talking about. She then produces a small Tasmanian devil figurine, which tells Mahandra to kiss him, a command only Jaye hears, of course.
But instead of telling Mahandra to kiss the man she believes to be Aaron, Jaye does everything for her friend to leave, especially after he Brass Monkey tells her to “save him from her.” Things are fine among the three, so Mahandra leaves, after he and Mahandra decide to have a special private Halloween celebration later that night.
Then, the Plastic Tasmanian Monkey tells Jaye to kiss him. She awkwardly kisses him on the cheek, but that's enough to induce confusion in his mind and he starts rambling about choosing the right spoon. But the figurines are not happy. They want Jaye to kiss him on the lips. Finally she complies, and, even though she sort of enjoys the experience, she realizes immediately that man is not Aaron and becomes concerned. And she is right to be concerned.
Right when she kisses Ned, Jaye realizes Eric was just watching her from the doorway. She realizes she's being punished by the muses for not telling Eric she was happy with his trip to New York. Eric is about to faint, so he goes away. And the muses, led by the Tasmanian Devil, start an impish symphony of laughter and mockery.
Angry and frustrated, she vigorously slaps the impostor on the face in the hopes he'll wake up and help her clean all that mess.
XVII
Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life
(Time and place undetermined...)
For the first time, the exact number of weeks, days, hours, and minutes did not matter at all. Ned had always been so concerned about keeping track of time, it's true. That obsession had developed from the necessary habit of counting the sixty seconds that separated an innocent, and most of the times absolutely necessary, query, and a gross violation of the laws of the Universe. One thing was to do a brief consultation with a poor soul which had recently departed to the 'other side'; letting him or her stay among the living more than a minute, however, meant terrible cosmological consequences, and someone had to pay the ultimate price.
That was a lot of (unasked, by the way) responsibility for a simple pie maker from a small town in an American county few had heard of. If it were up to him, he would do just that: bake pies, and enjoy life with his childhood sweetheart, and his friends. But apparently, the Universe wanted more from him. And no matter how much he struggled with the idea, something would always remind him of his responsibilities, and dragging him back to them.
Responsibilities. That was what it always was all about. So, at this very moment, not sure where, not sure when, a pie maker named Ned felt so unlike his usual responsible self. For some reason he felt so light... Light as a feather. Really, really, literally light, because he was actually floating.
He promptly discarded the idea that he was dreaming. Although he was in the habit of constantly remembering lots of things from his past instead, and drawing valuable life lessons from them, Ned was not the kind of person who got lost in dreams. His reality was extraordinary enough, even though he could not fathom exactly how extraordinary it got to be. Sure he dreamed a few times, but those times were so strange and unusual that those moments stuck in his memory as exceptional events.
If he was not dreaming, where was he then? He made an effort to remember. For some reason it was hard because he really didn't want to. He was fine the way he was, and remembering would bring him back to the responsibilities he meant to escape from. But just a brief thought wouldn't hurt. Or would it?
The last thing he remembered was a huge handbag falling onto his head. Then everything went black. Then he was here in this void, wherever it was.
Whatever he was doing there, it didn't seem to be important anymore. It was something he gladly had left behind. He had an idea. He'd be guided by the compass of his heart, and float towards whatever, or wherever, gave him a sense of freedom, peace and quiet.
And so it was done. The image ahead of him became crispy clear, and once again he witnessed the bright colors he had been missing so much. He was right in the middle of an endlessly yellow field of daisies, against the backdrop of an impossibly blue sky. That sort of felt like home.
He let himself float very close to the daisies, and if that action would stretch forever, he just wouldn't mind. But he was wondering if he could see other familiar places, so he just glided away. He could always come back to that beautiful scenery any time he chose.
He was now over the street between his childhood home, and the one where his childhood sweetheart lived. He saw Chuck and himself as kids, both playing their favorite game: bring Play-Doh death to Play-Doh people in Play-Doh Village. Oh, if only matters of life and death were that simple.
The scene was heart-warming, but something suggested it was fake, and that he was deluding himself. Not that he was ready for responsibilities again, but he wanted to see something real. He wished it, and the scene shifted in time, not in place. Suddenly, the street was covered with leaves, and it slightly and disturbingly unkempt. Chuck's house was OK, but the wall colors were just a little faded, and it was surrounded by an ugly, uninviting metal fence. And his former home was the worse: it was simply abandoned, the weeds grew wildly in the front yard, and the paint was all but gone. He was shocked to see that, as if he was seeing it for the first time.
That scene no longer mattered to him. He knew his home was not there anymore. So, where was it? He tried to think, but it was so hard. Something was blocking him. But he made a real effort and suddenly was thrown into a vortex, and was sucked.
So far he had been a little lost, but ultimately in control of his actions and surroundings. Now, however, things were much more confusing, and he only had an unclear glimpse of what lay ahead.
He was in the kitchen of the Pie Hole, and Olive and Chuck were talking to him. He tried to take a better look at them, but it was very hard to move his head. He could barely hear them, and the image was blurry. He felt like he was swimming inside a jar of honey and he had a headache.
Olive was talking about having lunch with him? Very nice of her, but he missed Chuck. So, he told Olive to go do her waitress work. She would be fine.
Next, he tried to get closer to Chuck. She was as lovely as ever. It was nice to see her again. Everything was fine.
The next events were fragmented. Sometimes he felt he was completely in control, and doing exactly what he would. Sometimes he felt detached, like he was a marionette, and somebody else was pulling the strings. And sometimes he even felt he was talking to two strange women, one black and one white, both beautiful and interesting, but he did not belong there. All that at the same time.
He wasn't interested in those two girls. None of them was Chuck. He made an effort to focus on Chuck, but the 'being trapped in honey' sensation still remained. Still, it was nice to be with Chuck.
He wasn't quite sure why he was there anymore, but if he was in the kitchen, he had to bake pies! Customers must be waiting!
A pie was coming out of the oven, and it tasted real good. So, after making sure Olive was doing her job, and Chuck was fine, things could go back to their usual normalcy. Just like they should always remain.
The next events were a little fuzzy. He baked, he talked to Chuck, and baked again. He was happy because everyone around him was happy, so he might just as well turn on his pie-making automatic pilot, and dedicate himself to what he knew best.
Then Emerson showed up. Good, he would taste some pie! Ned missed his gruff friend. He then felt there was something urgent he should be talking to him about, but he simply couldn't remember. Whatever it was, it was gone. So, it mustn't be very important after all.
He decided not to think about it. It would come back in case it really mattered. Emerson then asked him to come with him to deal with a case. That might be a good idea, but... Chuck wanted to come along! How could he say no to her? Emerson must have noticed how happy the Pie Maker was to be baking pies in the company of his beloved girlfriend, because he changed his mind and decided he was happy to work on the case on his own. That was OK too, because the P.I. knew where to find Ned and his magic finger whenever necessary.
And so the day went on as blissfully as it could ever go. He was baking again, but he missed Chuck, even though he had just seen her, and she was just a few feet away, in the other room. No, now she was right in front of him, happy as always.
She wanted to talk to him, and started reminiscing about the time she wanted to introduce cup-pies in the Pie Hole menu. He was glad she was bringing up those beautiful moments they had lived together. Everything was fine.
But suddenly something seemed to be wrong. She just threw a peach at him. He caught it, then realized he'd been wearing latex gloves. Yes, he'd been thinking about switching to fresh fruit, so he could taste his own pie. He just hadn't done it for the obvious reasons that kept him from doing it, and because he was worried about getting fat, and Chuck wouldn't like that.
“What's the matter with you, Chuck? Did I do something to make you angry?” he saw himself saying. Yeah, it made sense saying this.
“I know you're not Ned, and I want my Ned back.”
What was going on? How could she say such a terrible thing? Ned wasn't sure of what had happened, but this was so unfair because he knew he had come a long way just to be with her. But it was funny because she didn't look disturbed at all.
“I don't know what to say to this. You're clearly upset, but... Please don't say that.” OK, that should do it.
“So, I'm going to walk to you, and I'm going to prove that,” she said.
He had no idea what she meant. But she didn't sound all right. He'd better leave.
“Chuck, you're not being rational. I'm going for a walk,” he said and started moving towards the door. But then, Digby started growling at him. What was going on? Had everybody but him gone crazy? Maybe he could use the back door. It was always there where he needed it.
“You've always wanted to kiss me, Ned. So, here's your chance...” she mumbled, and made another step.
Oh, no. Now he knew what was going on. Chuck was said and desperate. The fact her father turned out to be such a shady character, and that she could not reveal her alive again condition to her mother and aunt, had taken a toll on her fragile emotional state. She was losing it, and wanted to use Ned as a form of departing from this world.
“Chuck, you know you can't do this. I'm not going to... I won't be responsible for... Please, stop!” he pleaded.
“I'll kiss you, even if it's the last thing I do...”
Was that a tear? Oh, Chuck. I wish I'd been here to help you in such a difficult moment. But I was here, wasn't I? He thought.
He tried to use the back door, but an angry bee practically attacked him. 'Don't offend the bees,' he remembered her advice. Had he offended any of the bees?
“Get away from me! It's for your own protection and I'm supposed to protect you! Please!”
OK, it felt strange saying that. But that still made sense.
“You're not letting me go anywhere, are you? Even the Animal Kingdom is conspiring against me and has surrendered to your spell. Who are you? Snow White?”
All right... That made no sense at all... Why would he say such a thing?
And Chuck was getting too dangerously near. He had to do something! All of a sudden, when Ned least expected, Digby jumped onto the table, and onto his face. He licked Ned's face and dropped to the floor.
“DIGBY!!!!” Ned cried and bowed. “What did you do, my friend? Why did you have to do this?” He hugged the inert dog and started crying like a baby.
No, no, NO! I don't accept this! Ned thought. I don't want to be here anymore!
And so, all of a sudden, he wasn't there anymore. He was back in the void where he originally had come from. He felt back in control. He could stay there, or could choose to retrieve to another happy place. But his mind was filled with concerning thoughts. He wouldn't be able to rest without knowing what was really going on, and how things would turn out. He had to go back. But he couldn't go back in the same condition he was. There had to be a solution... So, he thought hard and wished it.
He then saw something. It took a while for his mind to make sense of what he saw. He saw a flower? No, thousands of flowers. Everywhere. No, they were a thousand images of the same flower. If that really was a flower. He tried to focus on just one of the thousands of images. It took him great effort, but he finally succeeded.
It smelled like... Like an evening primrose. He knew that because helping Chuck plant all those flowers on the roof of the Liberty building had made him a sort amateur botanist. Except that primroses were solid yellow, and that flower was white with a bright red center. That bullseye feels delicious! And he was right, because the bright color indicated where the goodies were.
Then Ned realized why that flower seemed so familiar to him. He had planted it, though he'd never seen it this way.
He also saw a dandelion flower, which was normally yellow, unlike the popular dadelion clocks, which were white and feathery. But that particular dadelion flower had the same white and red coloring. Dandelions were everywhere, ever since that dandelion car company had installed a factory in Papen County. The same was going on with the silverweeds, while the wood anemones, normally white and yellow, showed a hue of dark blue he found hard to resist.
Then it became very clear to him. He really was on the roof of the Liberty building, literally as a full-fledged member of the Unorthodox Urban Honey Pioneers Operation! And the reason why colors seemed so wacky was that he could also see light waves he had never given any consideration to, like ultraviolet, and light polarization. Some nerdy thought briefly invaded his mind as he remembered one day he had wished he had the visor a Star Trek character had, one which would allow him to see such strange light wave lengths.
Ned was not alone. There were other bees flying around him, and he could easily see them, while he was still mesmerized by those delicious bright colors, thanks to those weird eyes.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?” Somebody buzzed behind him. OK, they didn't literally use words, but Ned knew exactly what they meant.
“What's going on here?” said another one. “This stranger doesn't belong to our hive.”
Ned felt the situation was getting stranger and increasingly more concerning. Besides, he wasn't there to stop and smell the flowers. He had come there with a reason. He had to leave.
Ned flew away from the beehives and suddenly found himself in midair, several stories from the ground. Whoa! That was unsettling, to say the least. He had never felt very comfortable hanging on the top of the building, but Chuck, on the other hand, behaved like a cat in high places, and would often be seen walking near the edge without any concern of falling. So, to make her happy, he pretended not to care.
Now, he didn't have to pretend, but he had no reasons to feel afraid either. He stopped flapping his bee wings for a moment, but instead of falling, he started gliding towards the ground. It was such a wonderful feeling!
Next he was in front of the Pie Hole. He tried to enter through a window, but hit a sort of force field. He insisted, and stubbornly tried and tried again. Then he tried the door, and hit the same invisible barrier. Then the door opened, and he slipped in.
Navigating in such a familiar place with such unfamiliar eyes was very strange in the beginning, but deep inside, he knew exactly what he was doing. But no matter what form he took, he would always end reaching Chuck. And this time it was particularly easy, as she was calling for him.
“Oh, Ned, wherever you are... I hope you can forgive me for what I am about to do. If only you could give me a sign?”
There she was. He flew around and around her. He buzzed by her ears. Runway 3 clear for landing, over, he joked in his thoughts. He aimed at her nose and landed. She picked him with a 'ginormous' bright red nail.
“Hi, little fellow. Did you fall from the roof?”
Yep, you got that right, Chuck. The funny thing is that everything he had looked at so far had strange coloring, except Chuck's face. She looked exactly like she always had. But one thing was different in the way he saw her, and he welcomed that change. He now could see thousands of Chuck images. And that idea looked just like paradise to him.
“Hey, who are you? You're not one of my bees! You must be away from home.”
You have no idea, sweetheart!
“You should go now...”
No way! I must stay! I'm needed here! She got in the kitchen and he flew right behind her. Wow! I never realized how delicious my kitchen looked! So many sweet things everywhere! He landed on the edge of a plate full of blueberry pie filling.
Then Ned saw himself. No, wait, that was Aaron. Except that he had just gone through this series of events and remembered being there, somehow. That was just way confusing!
And how can I bee here, I mean, be here, he sort of joked, if I'm there as well?
He then realized had come back a few minutes in time and was witnessing those events all over again, but now from a different perspective, just like he had wished. He had always thought time traveling only existed in science fiction stories, but if he had gone to Niagara Falls back in 2005, then going back just a few minutes was a piece of pie! Stranger things had happened to him.
Clearly, Chuck was emotionally disturbed, but the Ned that was there behaved like a zombie! He was clearly detached and had no idea he was hurting Chuck. How couldn't he have noticed how concerned she was?
Then she started throwing peaches at him, in a clumsy attempt to get that pie maker to touch them. She approached him; harsh words were exchanged.
“I know you're not Ned,” she said. “And I want my Ned back.”
You're right, Chuck. It's not me! Or is it? It's not entirely me and that's hurting you, so it must stop! He thought.
“I don't know what to say to this. You're clearly upset, but... Please don't say that.”
More ugly words were said. But finally when she said,
“I'll kiss you, even if it's the last thing I do...”
Then Ned realized the situation was really serious and he had to do something to change things.
The man tried to open the backdoor, but Ned wouldn't allow it. He then flew towards the door and around the man's head. He was disturbed enough not to try using the door again. The Pie Maker waved his arms in the empty air, trying to hit Bee-Ned with his hands, but as an insect, Ned found it very easy to avoid being hit.
But Chuck was getting closer and closer.
Maybe Digby can do something, he thought. He flew towards Digby, but what could he do? First he had the crazy idea of stinging him in his behind. That would certainly get Digby to move and make loud noises. Then he became ashamed of having thought that. There had to be another way.
Ned buzzed near Digby's ear. Come one fellow, you have to stop that. You cannot let Chuck kiss this man! He buzzed and thought with a mixture, as usual, of fear for her safety and jealously before the possibility of Chuck kissing a man that may not be him...
But Digby wouldn't move. Obviously dogs did not speak the language of the bees.
But be careful, my fellow! Don't touch him either. Just bark, make noise, make him go away.
Just like that, Digby jumped on the table, knocking a few pies in the making, and next, jumped onto the man's face. Digby held on to his neck and licked him all over his face, in a big and wet dog kiss. And then he dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes.
“DIGBY!!!!” the man cried and bowed. “What did you do, my friend? Why did you have to do this?” He hugged the inert dog and started crying like a baby.
Oh, no, not again! Ned thought. That's not the way things are supposed to happen! Not this way!
He angrily buzzed away from the kitchen, and he definitely didn't want to see the aftermath of such tragic scene. He was just too confused to think straight, so he just flew away from the kitchen.
He landed on a table, and started thinking. Something was wrong. He then realized that man was, in reality, Aaron Tyler passing as Ned But at the same time, he had seen the world through his eyes, and had had the awful feeling of giving his canine friend the final death touch. But Digby couldn't be dead. Or could he?
While his mind processed those confusing thoughts, the bell hanging from the front door chimed, and somebody entered. It was Olive, carrying a small jacket. She was immediately attracted to the sounds coming from the kitchen.
Olive, I'm here! Ned buzzed. But she didn't even realize there was some life form worth noticing on that tabletop. She carelessly threw her jacket right where Ned was.
No, Olive. Don't throw this here! NO!
But it was too late and everything went dark for Bee-Ned. He struggled to get from that trap. He pushed, and pushed, until he could see light again. Strangely, whatever was trapping him felt more like cardboard than cloth.
Finally, he got out, but he wasn't in the Pie Hole anymore. He was in... No way! That couldn't be! He was in Play-Doh Ville!
A gigantic foot fell from the sky and destroyed the cardboard house right next to him. He started running away, but the foot was preparing to be dropped again, with fatal Play-Doh consequences.
He looked to the sky and saw this little girl in dinosaur outfit. No, Chuck, don't step on me! Please!
The foot came down and almost squashed him flat. Next time he would be prepared.
An old Play-Doh lady with a walking cane was trying to escape, but she was a poor runner. Ned had a wicked idea. He grabbed her, and pushed her towards the middle of the Play-Doh street. She yelled Play-Doh screams, but that was no help, and when the foot came down one again, nothing was left of her besides a multicolored disc. Play-Doh people deserve to die! He thought. What am I saying? I *am* one of those Play-Doh people!
The foot went up again, but then stopped in midair. Then in gently rested on the ground. Young Chuck apparently heard something, as she said,
“I'm coming daddy!”
Phew! Finally Charles Charles did something to help me, even if unintentionally... Ned thought.
As the “monster child” left, the Play-Doh people started coming out of their cardboard houses, and wander about. They all started walking along the main road of the village. Some walked on their own, some that were badly injured were helped, and some were just carried by others. It was like all of them had a purpose.
Ned decided to follow them. They were all walking into a bigger cardboard building with a sign which read the word, “FACTORY” written in crude child's handwriting.
The wounded, dirty, deformed, or completely mangled Play-Doh people entered one big door, while new, fresh, and happy Play-Doh people came out of another big door. Those were walking towards the village and all had a serene expression on their Play-Doh faces. Evidently they did not know what expected them.
Among them, he saw a small brunette Play-Doh female character. Ne remembered once at the Longborogh School for Boys having made one doll just like her. It was Play-Doh Chuck! Better yet, it was an adult Play-Doh Chuck!
She came near him and gave him a Play-Doh smile. That would've been weird, if he weren't a Play-Doh man himself as well.
Oh, Chuck. I miss you so much... Then she coyly kissed him on the cheek and gave an innocent smile.
“Hey! You're not Chuck, are you?” Ned asked.
She shook her little head.
“No, but I wouldn't mind kissing you again!”
“Wow. That was sweet. In a quaint and unusual way... Like dessert spoons. Like when you use a table spoon because that's all you can find,”
“Really? Spoons happen to be my favorite subject! Tell me more about it” she asked with enthusiasm.
“Well... Yes! You got a tablespoon, but in fact you were looking for a teaspoon,” he proceeded with enthusiasm. “...and then, before you eat the pie, you start stirring your tea with the wrong spoon, but finally find the teaspoon you were looking for and realize, oh, I should've looked better,”
“Exactly! That's so interesting! You're blowing my mind!” she commented with joy.
“And I'm not out of my mind,” he said. “This is much more common than you think. You use the wrong spoon, then regret not having been patient enough to look carefully for the right spoon, but in a kitchen it's always necessary to use the correct utensil...” he continued.
“Wow, spoons are so sexy!” she said, visibly impressed.
“This spoon problem is quite serious! And we suffer because we aren't patient enough, or just don't have the courage and determination to do the right thing at the right time...” he said, with new and surprising spoon revelations.
Her face was a couple inches from his.
“A man who knows so much about spoons is so sexy...”
“Gosh, why am I sweating? I didn't know Play-Doh could sweat. But this is not supposed to happen between us... It's just so wrong, on so many levels!” he insisted.
Before he could say another word, she seemed to be unable to hold herself back any longer, and smacked him on the lips. Oh, well, what could he do? He had no choice but kiss her back.
As he kissed her he felt that was almost right, but terribly wrong at the same time. And what surprised him was not the fact that he was a Play-Doh man kissing a Play-Doh lady. What mattered was that... She wasn't really Chuck.
That woman was similar to Chuck in so many ways, and so fundamentally different at the same time. A small, charming, perky brunette, but with a different soul. Different enough not to be her. Similar enough to have come from the same magical place. It then occurred to Ned that he could one day fall in love again, if he happened to be completely alone again. He would fall in love if he found another Chuck. Or someone very, very close...
Yes, another Chuck was not possible. But he knew he loved Chuck because she had come readily made by the same Play-Doh fun factory of life, and there was something enticing about a girl that came from there.
“Wait a minute! If you're not Chuck, where is she then?” Ned asked.
She shrugged, then pointed to the sky.
Ned looked upwards and his fears came through. He automatically thought of Emerson's famous hell quote... The giant foot was back, and coming right onto them! And everything went dark...
And it hurt so much! Especially his chin. That cute brunette was right there, in front of him. The human version of her. Oh, boy, and did she look angry!
Ned heard a thunder so loud that the trailer shook. A Plastic Tasmanian Devil that stood on a table near them was falling to the floor. For some reason he felt that was important to notice.
“I said snap out of it! You owe me that!” said Jaye Tyler, visibly frustrated and angry.
And in just a fraction of a second everything was clear in Ned's mind. It all made sense to him now. He knew exactly what to do next.
In this chapter... Ned confronts his fears and fantasies in the most unusual and fantastical way.
]
Title: Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life
Word count: 4,821 Chapter count: 26
Previous chapters: S, P, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
Observations: A Pushing Daisies/Wonderfalls crossover - a tale of mystery with a slight surreal touch.
Previously on “A Tale of Two Dead Ringers”
It's Halloween. Aaron and Ned have switched places to solve a mystery, which involves voodoo dolls representing Ned and Chuck, anonymous notes threatening Emerson and his friends, an old lady with muffins poisoned with “the zombie drug,” and a sinister coroner who moonlights as travel agent between two magical lands.
Summary of Chapter 15 - “Plastic Tasmanian Devil”
After having witnessed the behavior of the man thought to be Aaron, Mahandra is in Jaye's trailer waiting for him to wake up, so she can ask him many questions. The whole situation is making Jaye uncomfortable. But Mahandra is determined to get an explanation from Aaron as to why he didn't remember her name, for instance.
Finally he wakes up, and Mahandra starts asking him about things only Aaron could know, like their first kiss. At the same time, Mr. T Cookie Jar keeps saying she must save a cookie for Aaron. He seems aloof and not looking like he'll remember anything that will put Mahandra's mind at ease. So she decides to leave.
As she does so, he starts talking about the series of events that led to their first kiss. It melts Mahandra's heart and she feels loved again. He then suggests they take that trip to Australia they've been talking about. She then produces a small Tasmanian devil figurine, which tells Mahandra to kiss him, a command only Jaye hears, of course.
But instead of telling Mahandra to kiss the man she believes to be Aaron, Jaye does everything for her friend to leave, especially after he Brass Monkey tells her to “save him from her.” Things are fine among the three, so Mahandra leaves, after he and Mahandra decide to have a special private Halloween celebration later that night.
Then, the Plastic Tasmanian Monkey tells Jaye to kiss him. She awkwardly kisses him on the cheek, but that's enough to induce confusion in his mind and he starts rambling about choosing the right spoon. But the figurines are not happy. They want Jaye to kiss him on the lips. Finally she complies, and, even though she sort of enjoys the experience, she realizes immediately that man is not Aaron and becomes concerned. And she is right to be concerned.
Right when she kisses Ned, Jaye realizes Eric was just watching her from the doorway. She realizes she's being punished by the muses for not telling Eric she was happy with his trip to New York. Eric is about to faint, so he goes away. And the muses, led by the Tasmanian Devil, start an impish symphony of laughter and mockery.
Angry and frustrated, she vigorously slaps the impostor on the face in the hopes he'll wake up and help her clean all that mess.
XVII
Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life
(Time and place undetermined...)
For the first time, the exact number of weeks, days, hours, and minutes did not matter at all. Ned had always been so concerned about keeping track of time, it's true. That obsession had developed from the necessary habit of counting the sixty seconds that separated an innocent, and most of the times absolutely necessary, query, and a gross violation of the laws of the Universe. One thing was to do a brief consultation with a poor soul which had recently departed to the 'other side'; letting him or her stay among the living more than a minute, however, meant terrible cosmological consequences, and someone had to pay the ultimate price.
That was a lot of (unasked, by the way) responsibility for a simple pie maker from a small town in an American county few had heard of. If it were up to him, he would do just that: bake pies, and enjoy life with his childhood sweetheart, and his friends. But apparently, the Universe wanted more from him. And no matter how much he struggled with the idea, something would always remind him of his responsibilities, and dragging him back to them.
Responsibilities. That was what it always was all about. So, at this very moment, not sure where, not sure when, a pie maker named Ned felt so unlike his usual responsible self. For some reason he felt so light... Light as a feather. Really, really, literally light, because he was actually floating.
He promptly discarded the idea that he was dreaming. Although he was in the habit of constantly remembering lots of things from his past instead, and drawing valuable life lessons from them, Ned was not the kind of person who got lost in dreams. His reality was extraordinary enough, even though he could not fathom exactly how extraordinary it got to be. Sure he dreamed a few times, but those times were so strange and unusual that those moments stuck in his memory as exceptional events.
If he was not dreaming, where was he then? He made an effort to remember. For some reason it was hard because he really didn't want to. He was fine the way he was, and remembering would bring him back to the responsibilities he meant to escape from. But just a brief thought wouldn't hurt. Or would it?
The last thing he remembered was a huge handbag falling onto his head. Then everything went black. Then he was here in this void, wherever it was.
Whatever he was doing there, it didn't seem to be important anymore. It was something he gladly had left behind. He had an idea. He'd be guided by the compass of his heart, and float towards whatever, or wherever, gave him a sense of freedom, peace and quiet.
And so it was done. The image ahead of him became crispy clear, and once again he witnessed the bright colors he had been missing so much. He was right in the middle of an endlessly yellow field of daisies, against the backdrop of an impossibly blue sky. That sort of felt like home.
He let himself float very close to the daisies, and if that action would stretch forever, he just wouldn't mind. But he was wondering if he could see other familiar places, so he just glided away. He could always come back to that beautiful scenery any time he chose.
He was now over the street between his childhood home, and the one where his childhood sweetheart lived. He saw Chuck and himself as kids, both playing their favorite game: bring Play-Doh death to Play-Doh people in Play-Doh Village. Oh, if only matters of life and death were that simple.
The scene was heart-warming, but something suggested it was fake, and that he was deluding himself. Not that he was ready for responsibilities again, but he wanted to see something real. He wished it, and the scene shifted in time, not in place. Suddenly, the street was covered with leaves, and it slightly and disturbingly unkempt. Chuck's house was OK, but the wall colors were just a little faded, and it was surrounded by an ugly, uninviting metal fence. And his former home was the worse: it was simply abandoned, the weeds grew wildly in the front yard, and the paint was all but gone. He was shocked to see that, as if he was seeing it for the first time.
That scene no longer mattered to him. He knew his home was not there anymore. So, where was it? He tried to think, but it was so hard. Something was blocking him. But he made a real effort and suddenly was thrown into a vortex, and was sucked.
So far he had been a little lost, but ultimately in control of his actions and surroundings. Now, however, things were much more confusing, and he only had an unclear glimpse of what lay ahead.
He was in the kitchen of the Pie Hole, and Olive and Chuck were talking to him. He tried to take a better look at them, but it was very hard to move his head. He could barely hear them, and the image was blurry. He felt like he was swimming inside a jar of honey and he had a headache.
Olive was talking about having lunch with him? Very nice of her, but he missed Chuck. So, he told Olive to go do her waitress work. She would be fine.
Next, he tried to get closer to Chuck. She was as lovely as ever. It was nice to see her again. Everything was fine.
The next events were fragmented. Sometimes he felt he was completely in control, and doing exactly what he would. Sometimes he felt detached, like he was a marionette, and somebody else was pulling the strings. And sometimes he even felt he was talking to two strange women, one black and one white, both beautiful and interesting, but he did not belong there. All that at the same time.
He wasn't interested in those two girls. None of them was Chuck. He made an effort to focus on Chuck, but the 'being trapped in honey' sensation still remained. Still, it was nice to be with Chuck.
He wasn't quite sure why he was there anymore, but if he was in the kitchen, he had to bake pies! Customers must be waiting!
A pie was coming out of the oven, and it tasted real good. So, after making sure Olive was doing her job, and Chuck was fine, things could go back to their usual normalcy. Just like they should always remain.
The next events were a little fuzzy. He baked, he talked to Chuck, and baked again. He was happy because everyone around him was happy, so he might just as well turn on his pie-making automatic pilot, and dedicate himself to what he knew best.
Then Emerson showed up. Good, he would taste some pie! Ned missed his gruff friend. He then felt there was something urgent he should be talking to him about, but he simply couldn't remember. Whatever it was, it was gone. So, it mustn't be very important after all.
He decided not to think about it. It would come back in case it really mattered. Emerson then asked him to come with him to deal with a case. That might be a good idea, but... Chuck wanted to come along! How could he say no to her? Emerson must have noticed how happy the Pie Maker was to be baking pies in the company of his beloved girlfriend, because he changed his mind and decided he was happy to work on the case on his own. That was OK too, because the P.I. knew where to find Ned and his magic finger whenever necessary.
And so the day went on as blissfully as it could ever go. He was baking again, but he missed Chuck, even though he had just seen her, and she was just a few feet away, in the other room. No, now she was right in front of him, happy as always.
She wanted to talk to him, and started reminiscing about the time she wanted to introduce cup-pies in the Pie Hole menu. He was glad she was bringing up those beautiful moments they had lived together. Everything was fine.
But suddenly something seemed to be wrong. She just threw a peach at him. He caught it, then realized he'd been wearing latex gloves. Yes, he'd been thinking about switching to fresh fruit, so he could taste his own pie. He just hadn't done it for the obvious reasons that kept him from doing it, and because he was worried about getting fat, and Chuck wouldn't like that.
“What's the matter with you, Chuck? Did I do something to make you angry?” he saw himself saying. Yeah, it made sense saying this.
“I know you're not Ned, and I want my Ned back.”
What was going on? How could she say such a terrible thing? Ned wasn't sure of what had happened, but this was so unfair because he knew he had come a long way just to be with her. But it was funny because she didn't look disturbed at all.
“I don't know what to say to this. You're clearly upset, but... Please don't say that.” OK, that should do it.
“So, I'm going to walk to you, and I'm going to prove that,” she said.
He had no idea what she meant. But she didn't sound all right. He'd better leave.
“Chuck, you're not being rational. I'm going for a walk,” he said and started moving towards the door. But then, Digby started growling at him. What was going on? Had everybody but him gone crazy? Maybe he could use the back door. It was always there where he needed it.
“You've always wanted to kiss me, Ned. So, here's your chance...” she mumbled, and made another step.
Oh, no. Now he knew what was going on. Chuck was said and desperate. The fact her father turned out to be such a shady character, and that she could not reveal her alive again condition to her mother and aunt, had taken a toll on her fragile emotional state. She was losing it, and wanted to use Ned as a form of departing from this world.
“Chuck, you know you can't do this. I'm not going to... I won't be responsible for... Please, stop!” he pleaded.
“I'll kiss you, even if it's the last thing I do...”
Was that a tear? Oh, Chuck. I wish I'd been here to help you in such a difficult moment. But I was here, wasn't I? He thought.
He tried to use the back door, but an angry bee practically attacked him. 'Don't offend the bees,' he remembered her advice. Had he offended any of the bees?
“Get away from me! It's for your own protection and I'm supposed to protect you! Please!”
OK, it felt strange saying that. But that still made sense.
“You're not letting me go anywhere, are you? Even the Animal Kingdom is conspiring against me and has surrendered to your spell. Who are you? Snow White?”
All right... That made no sense at all... Why would he say such a thing?
And Chuck was getting too dangerously near. He had to do something! All of a sudden, when Ned least expected, Digby jumped onto the table, and onto his face. He licked Ned's face and dropped to the floor.
“DIGBY!!!!” Ned cried and bowed. “What did you do, my friend? Why did you have to do this?” He hugged the inert dog and started crying like a baby.
No, no, NO! I don't accept this! Ned thought. I don't want to be here anymore!
And so, all of a sudden, he wasn't there anymore. He was back in the void where he originally had come from. He felt back in control. He could stay there, or could choose to retrieve to another happy place. But his mind was filled with concerning thoughts. He wouldn't be able to rest without knowing what was really going on, and how things would turn out. He had to go back. But he couldn't go back in the same condition he was. There had to be a solution... So, he thought hard and wished it.
He then saw something. It took a while for his mind to make sense of what he saw. He saw a flower? No, thousands of flowers. Everywhere. No, they were a thousand images of the same flower. If that really was a flower. He tried to focus on just one of the thousands of images. It took him great effort, but he finally succeeded.
It smelled like... Like an evening primrose. He knew that because helping Chuck plant all those flowers on the roof of the Liberty building had made him a sort amateur botanist. Except that primroses were solid yellow, and that flower was white with a bright red center. That bullseye feels delicious! And he was right, because the bright color indicated where the goodies were.
Then Ned realized why that flower seemed so familiar to him. He had planted it, though he'd never seen it this way.
He also saw a dandelion flower, which was normally yellow, unlike the popular dadelion clocks, which were white and feathery. But that particular dadelion flower had the same white and red coloring. Dandelions were everywhere, ever since that dandelion car company had installed a factory in Papen County. The same was going on with the silverweeds, while the wood anemones, normally white and yellow, showed a hue of dark blue he found hard to resist.
Then it became very clear to him. He really was on the roof of the Liberty building, literally as a full-fledged member of the Unorthodox Urban Honey Pioneers Operation! And the reason why colors seemed so wacky was that he could also see light waves he had never given any consideration to, like ultraviolet, and light polarization. Some nerdy thought briefly invaded his mind as he remembered one day he had wished he had the visor a Star Trek character had, one which would allow him to see such strange light wave lengths.
Ned was not alone. There were other bees flying around him, and he could easily see them, while he was still mesmerized by those delicious bright colors, thanks to those weird eyes.
“Who are you? What are you doing here?” Somebody buzzed behind him. OK, they didn't literally use words, but Ned knew exactly what they meant.
“What's going on here?” said another one. “This stranger doesn't belong to our hive.”
Ned felt the situation was getting stranger and increasingly more concerning. Besides, he wasn't there to stop and smell the flowers. He had come there with a reason. He had to leave.
Ned flew away from the beehives and suddenly found himself in midair, several stories from the ground. Whoa! That was unsettling, to say the least. He had never felt very comfortable hanging on the top of the building, but Chuck, on the other hand, behaved like a cat in high places, and would often be seen walking near the edge without any concern of falling. So, to make her happy, he pretended not to care.
Now, he didn't have to pretend, but he had no reasons to feel afraid either. He stopped flapping his bee wings for a moment, but instead of falling, he started gliding towards the ground. It was such a wonderful feeling!
Next he was in front of the Pie Hole. He tried to enter through a window, but hit a sort of force field. He insisted, and stubbornly tried and tried again. Then he tried the door, and hit the same invisible barrier. Then the door opened, and he slipped in.
Navigating in such a familiar place with such unfamiliar eyes was very strange in the beginning, but deep inside, he knew exactly what he was doing. But no matter what form he took, he would always end reaching Chuck. And this time it was particularly easy, as she was calling for him.
“Oh, Ned, wherever you are... I hope you can forgive me for what I am about to do. If only you could give me a sign?”
There she was. He flew around and around her. He buzzed by her ears. Runway 3 clear for landing, over, he joked in his thoughts. He aimed at her nose and landed. She picked him with a 'ginormous' bright red nail.
“Hi, little fellow. Did you fall from the roof?”
Yep, you got that right, Chuck. The funny thing is that everything he had looked at so far had strange coloring, except Chuck's face. She looked exactly like she always had. But one thing was different in the way he saw her, and he welcomed that change. He now could see thousands of Chuck images. And that idea looked just like paradise to him.
“Hey, who are you? You're not one of my bees! You must be away from home.”
You have no idea, sweetheart!
“You should go now...”
No way! I must stay! I'm needed here! She got in the kitchen and he flew right behind her. Wow! I never realized how delicious my kitchen looked! So many sweet things everywhere! He landed on the edge of a plate full of blueberry pie filling.
Then Ned saw himself. No, wait, that was Aaron. Except that he had just gone through this series of events and remembered being there, somehow. That was just way confusing!
And how can I bee here, I mean, be here, he sort of joked, if I'm there as well?
He then realized had come back a few minutes in time and was witnessing those events all over again, but now from a different perspective, just like he had wished. He had always thought time traveling only existed in science fiction stories, but if he had gone to Niagara Falls back in 2005, then going back just a few minutes was a piece of pie! Stranger things had happened to him.
Clearly, Chuck was emotionally disturbed, but the Ned that was there behaved like a zombie! He was clearly detached and had no idea he was hurting Chuck. How couldn't he have noticed how concerned she was?
Then she started throwing peaches at him, in a clumsy attempt to get that pie maker to touch them. She approached him; harsh words were exchanged.
“I know you're not Ned,” she said. “And I want my Ned back.”
You're right, Chuck. It's not me! Or is it? It's not entirely me and that's hurting you, so it must stop! He thought.
“I don't know what to say to this. You're clearly upset, but... Please don't say that.”
More ugly words were said. But finally when she said,
“I'll kiss you, even if it's the last thing I do...”
Then Ned realized the situation was really serious and he had to do something to change things.
The man tried to open the backdoor, but Ned wouldn't allow it. He then flew towards the door and around the man's head. He was disturbed enough not to try using the door again. The Pie Maker waved his arms in the empty air, trying to hit Bee-Ned with his hands, but as an insect, Ned found it very easy to avoid being hit.
But Chuck was getting closer and closer.
Maybe Digby can do something, he thought. He flew towards Digby, but what could he do? First he had the crazy idea of stinging him in his behind. That would certainly get Digby to move and make loud noises. Then he became ashamed of having thought that. There had to be another way.
Ned buzzed near Digby's ear. Come one fellow, you have to stop that. You cannot let Chuck kiss this man! He buzzed and thought with a mixture, as usual, of fear for her safety and jealously before the possibility of Chuck kissing a man that may not be him...
But Digby wouldn't move. Obviously dogs did not speak the language of the bees.
But be careful, my fellow! Don't touch him either. Just bark, make noise, make him go away.
Just like that, Digby jumped on the table, knocking a few pies in the making, and next, jumped onto the man's face. Digby held on to his neck and licked him all over his face, in a big and wet dog kiss. And then he dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes.
“DIGBY!!!!” the man cried and bowed. “What did you do, my friend? Why did you have to do this?” He hugged the inert dog and started crying like a baby.
Oh, no, not again! Ned thought. That's not the way things are supposed to happen! Not this way!
He angrily buzzed away from the kitchen, and he definitely didn't want to see the aftermath of such tragic scene. He was just too confused to think straight, so he just flew away from the kitchen.
He landed on a table, and started thinking. Something was wrong. He then realized that man was, in reality, Aaron Tyler passing as Ned But at the same time, he had seen the world through his eyes, and had had the awful feeling of giving his canine friend the final death touch. But Digby couldn't be dead. Or could he?
While his mind processed those confusing thoughts, the bell hanging from the front door chimed, and somebody entered. It was Olive, carrying a small jacket. She was immediately attracted to the sounds coming from the kitchen.
Olive, I'm here! Ned buzzed. But she didn't even realize there was some life form worth noticing on that tabletop. She carelessly threw her jacket right where Ned was.
No, Olive. Don't throw this here! NO!
But it was too late and everything went dark for Bee-Ned. He struggled to get from that trap. He pushed, and pushed, until he could see light again. Strangely, whatever was trapping him felt more like cardboard than cloth.
Finally, he got out, but he wasn't in the Pie Hole anymore. He was in... No way! That couldn't be! He was in Play-Doh Ville!
A gigantic foot fell from the sky and destroyed the cardboard house right next to him. He started running away, but the foot was preparing to be dropped again, with fatal Play-Doh consequences.
He looked to the sky and saw this little girl in dinosaur outfit. No, Chuck, don't step on me! Please!
The foot came down and almost squashed him flat. Next time he would be prepared.
An old Play-Doh lady with a walking cane was trying to escape, but she was a poor runner. Ned had a wicked idea. He grabbed her, and pushed her towards the middle of the Play-Doh street. She yelled Play-Doh screams, but that was no help, and when the foot came down one again, nothing was left of her besides a multicolored disc. Play-Doh people deserve to die! He thought. What am I saying? I *am* one of those Play-Doh people!
The foot went up again, but then stopped in midair. Then in gently rested on the ground. Young Chuck apparently heard something, as she said,
“I'm coming daddy!”
Phew! Finally Charles Charles did something to help me, even if unintentionally... Ned thought.
As the “monster child” left, the Play-Doh people started coming out of their cardboard houses, and wander about. They all started walking along the main road of the village. Some walked on their own, some that were badly injured were helped, and some were just carried by others. It was like all of them had a purpose.
Ned decided to follow them. They were all walking into a bigger cardboard building with a sign which read the word, “FACTORY” written in crude child's handwriting.
The wounded, dirty, deformed, or completely mangled Play-Doh people entered one big door, while new, fresh, and happy Play-Doh people came out of another big door. Those were walking towards the village and all had a serene expression on their Play-Doh faces. Evidently they did not know what expected them.
Among them, he saw a small brunette Play-Doh female character. Ne remembered once at the Longborogh School for Boys having made one doll just like her. It was Play-Doh Chuck! Better yet, it was an adult Play-Doh Chuck!
She came near him and gave him a Play-Doh smile. That would've been weird, if he weren't a Play-Doh man himself as well.
Oh, Chuck. I miss you so much... Then she coyly kissed him on the cheek and gave an innocent smile.
“Hey! You're not Chuck, are you?” Ned asked.
She shook her little head.
“No, but I wouldn't mind kissing you again!”
“Wow. That was sweet. In a quaint and unusual way... Like dessert spoons. Like when you use a table spoon because that's all you can find,”
“Really? Spoons happen to be my favorite subject! Tell me more about it” she asked with enthusiasm.
“Well... Yes! You got a tablespoon, but in fact you were looking for a teaspoon,” he proceeded with enthusiasm. “...and then, before you eat the pie, you start stirring your tea with the wrong spoon, but finally find the teaspoon you were looking for and realize, oh, I should've looked better,”
“Exactly! That's so interesting! You're blowing my mind!” she commented with joy.
“And I'm not out of my mind,” he said. “This is much more common than you think. You use the wrong spoon, then regret not having been patient enough to look carefully for the right spoon, but in a kitchen it's always necessary to use the correct utensil...” he continued.
“Wow, spoons are so sexy!” she said, visibly impressed.
“This spoon problem is quite serious! And we suffer because we aren't patient enough, or just don't have the courage and determination to do the right thing at the right time...” he said, with new and surprising spoon revelations.
Her face was a couple inches from his.
“A man who knows so much about spoons is so sexy...”
“Gosh, why am I sweating? I didn't know Play-Doh could sweat. But this is not supposed to happen between us... It's just so wrong, on so many levels!” he insisted.
Before he could say another word, she seemed to be unable to hold herself back any longer, and smacked him on the lips. Oh, well, what could he do? He had no choice but kiss her back.
As he kissed her he felt that was almost right, but terribly wrong at the same time. And what surprised him was not the fact that he was a Play-Doh man kissing a Play-Doh lady. What mattered was that... She wasn't really Chuck.
That woman was similar to Chuck in so many ways, and so fundamentally different at the same time. A small, charming, perky brunette, but with a different soul. Different enough not to be her. Similar enough to have come from the same magical place. It then occurred to Ned that he could one day fall in love again, if he happened to be completely alone again. He would fall in love if he found another Chuck. Or someone very, very close...
Yes, another Chuck was not possible. But he knew he loved Chuck because she had come readily made by the same Play-Doh fun factory of life, and there was something enticing about a girl that came from there.
“Wait a minute! If you're not Chuck, where is she then?” Ned asked.
She shrugged, then pointed to the sky.
Ned looked upwards and his fears came through. He automatically thought of Emerson's famous hell quote... The giant foot was back, and coming right onto them! And everything went dark...
And it hurt so much! Especially his chin. That cute brunette was right there, in front of him. The human version of her. Oh, boy, and did she look angry!
Ned heard a thunder so loud that the trailer shook. A Plastic Tasmanian Devil that stood on a table near them was falling to the floor. For some reason he felt that was important to notice.
“I said snap out of it! You owe me that!” said Jaye Tyler, visibly frustrated and angry.
And in just a fraction of a second everything was clear in Ned's mind. It all made sense to him now. He knew exactly what to do next.