Dare to be Aware - Chapter Twenty Three
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 105,418
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 23
It was nearly two in the morning when the noise from the other room woke Sam up. Blinking blearily at the clock, he unfolded himself from around Blaine and stumbled out into the living room in just his boxers. If he'd been more awake, he'd have been grateful that Blaine's mom was working the night shift again.
Scratching at his stomach, he yawned as he flopped down on the couch beside Quinn. "What're you even doing awake, Q? It's like stupid early."
Quinn just shrugged and kept his eyes focused on the re-run of Star Trek that seemed to play on a loop at that time of night. He was wrapped up in the blanket that Blaine's mom draped over his form before she left for work. Quinn was a mess, he had not been able to talk about what happened since the car with Blaine and seeing Santana kiss and leave with not just a girl, but Kelly the night before rendered him near mute.
"Seriously?" Sam rubbed at his eyes, "You still keeping up with this silent play?" He scratched his head, yawning, "Wanna watch some porn while Blaine's sleeping?"
He shrugged again handing Sam the remote and waited to see if the boy would actually turn on porn.
"Seriously?" Sam smirked, getting up and grabbing a DVD box hand labelled with "Warblers 2011 Regionals" and popping the disk into the player. "Sweet." He dropped back down next to Quinn and watched him as he hit play and the slightly shaky footage of some random apartment filled the screen panning over to a guy on the sofa watching tv when the door rang and a faint voice called "pizza delivery" while cheesy music started playing.
The minute Quinn felt Sam's hand move from the couch near the cushion near his head he sat up. "Jerk off away from my face." He mumbled and flopped over so he was facing away from Sam's lap.
Sam laughed, but took his hand off his dick where he'd pulled it out, "Knew I'd get some words outta you if you thought I was gonna cream on you." He smirked at him. "What the hell's up with you anyway? All this moping around and crap ain't like you, dude."
"San's off hooking up with Kelly..." He mumbled, sitting up and putting his braced knee on the table. "My knee hurts too... and I can't sleep."
"Really? That sucks." He grimaced, "You take your meds for that thing? Come on, pull your junk out and we'll rub a couple off watching porn. It'll make you feel better. Take your mind of shit."
"Not wearing it." Quinn shrugged, looking over at him. "Haven't felt like much of a man lately." He sighed and looked back at the TV.
"That sucks," Sam yawned, his hand going back around his dick as he watched the guy pounding the delivery person from behind, stroking himself hard. "We should watch some football later or something," he grunted, a slapping sound coming from his lap as he pumped himself, "you know, manly stuff. Get you feeling better."
"Maybe yeah..." Quinn said as he watched the video, his eyes falling to the dark haired pizza girl who was getting fucked. "Why can't Santana get that I don't want her to think about me with tits when we fuck."
"Maybe she doesn't," Sam shrugged, grunting as he pumped himself, "maybe she was just jerking you around cause she was pissed about something. You know how she gets. But dude, wet dreams and shit are normal. I think about Blaine as a chick sometimes and it is fucking hot. Don't mean I want him to be one or nothing."
"Blaine would be an ugly chick." Quinn mused, "and you're a freak..." He looked over at him. "Maybe she's right... I'm selfish to change."
"Who, San?" He scoffed, his eyes closing as he focused on pleasuring himself. "She's just talking out of her ass. You're you. Being a guy isn't changing."
"What if I wanna be normal...?" He asked as he reached his hand out and wrapped his hand around Sam's. "C-can you make me a girl?"
Sam's eyes shot open and he looked from the slim hand wrapped around his own to Quinn. "Q-quinn... what are you doing?"
"Have sex with me," he said, his eyes black from dark circles caused by insomnia. He looked like a zombie, and he was shaking from nerves.
"W-what?" He jerked back, startled, his hand leaving his dick to grab at the back of the couch. "Are you kidding me?"
"I need to be a girl for her..." he whispered, his hand squeezing Sam's member by accident.
"Fuck," Sam gasped, trying to push Quinn's hand away, "don't do that, Q! You don't need to be a girl, come on! What the hell, man?"
Quinn flinched, pulling away and curling into himself. "I'm sorry... just.. leave me alone."
"No way," Sam pulled his legs under him, quickly tucking his dick away as best he could. "Look, you like San, right? Like really like her. All the bells and whistles."
"I love her." Quinn mumbled, his face hidden in his arms. "She's gay and doesn't wanna a boy..."
"Who cares if she doesn't want a boy? You're you, not some boy, Q." He reached over and nudged him, "Stop being such a wimp. If you want her that bad, just go tell her you do. Chase her, dude! It's not like she told you to stay the fuck away or anything, right? I mean, she was freaking out looking for you."
He sighed. "I don't want to fight anymore," he said not sure of the meaning for the word fight.
"That's not the Q I know," Sam's lips thinned. "The Q I know wouldn't just give up on the girl he loved. Why are you just letting her go? If you want her, get her!"
"Maybe I don't want to get hurt again," he whispered. "Go to bed, Sam. I'll see you in the morning." he turned off the porn and headed to the bathroom and shut the door.
"Fuck," Sam groaned, slumping back against the sofa again.
It'd been a week since she'd seen Quinn last and Santana felt worse than ever. Slumped on the sofa while her parents were out working, she tried to focus on the episode of Jersey Shore playing on the TV, but she just couldn't. Even hanging out with Kelly - who was surprisingly funny and even insightful when they weren't fucking - hadn't made her feel any better.
When she caught herself checking her phone for what felt like the millionth time, she screamed and pitched it across the room to bounce off the armchair and clatter to the floor. For a half second she hoped she hadn't broken it, then she remembered why she'd checked it again and she screamed again, burying her face in a throw pillow. He wasn't going to call or message her so why couldn't she stop herself from looking?
It wasn't fair! She wanted to apologize but he was gone. She just wanted him back! Even if he hated her. She just wanted to see him again. Her body shook as she couldn't stop herself from crying all over again. She was miserable and it was her fault he was gone. If she just hadn't been so stupid!
Quinn walked up to the door of the Lopez house, his body shaking with fear as he rapped his knuckles against the wood. He stood there waiting for Santana to open the door. The difference was that Quinn didn't look like the Quinn who had been living at the house. His hair was pushed to the side and clipped up into a more feminine pixie cut. He had on one of his old dresses and a pair of flip flops he found in his trunk. He looked down and waited for her.
It took a little while before the knock filtered into the nest Santana had made for herself on the sofa, but eventually she sat up scrubbing at her eyes. Some sort of delivery, she supposed. Probably needed a signature. She paused at the hall mirror to make sure she didn't look too miserable before opening the door.
When she saw Quinn standing there looking absolutely absurd and miserable in one of his old sundresses, she couldn't do anything more than gape for a long moment. Her eyes drank him in as her jaw worked. She rubbed at her eyes and even resorted to pinching herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming and he really was standing in front of her. Even if he did look ridiculous in the dress.
"Q-quinn?"
"Hey," he said, trying to keep his voice at the tone in which he used to speak as Lucy in. He looked at her then to the ground. He didn't know what to say or how to feel, but he knew he'd give her anything she wanted.
"You... you," she caught her lower lip between her teeth as she just looked at him. "You're here...? What... Quinn, what are you wearing? What's going on?"
"I'm..." He swallowed, "I can be the Quinn you know again... I can go back... I promise I can go back."
She frowned, reaching out to take his hand and pull him inside. "Let's not talk about this out here on the porch." Once he was inside, she shut the door. "Now, what are you talking about? Cause I don't get it."
Quinn scuffed his feet. "You said you liked me before..." he looked away from her, "You said you thought of me as a girl... I.. I can be your g-girlfriend." he stumbled over his words, "I... I just don't want to be without you."
"Quinn," Santana breathed, staring at him in shock. "You... Quinn, you're... you're not though." She was confused and didn't know what was happening, "You're not a girl, Q..."
"P-please don't make me go... I can be with you now. We can be l-lesbians." He looked at her, his eyes black with exhaustion and his face pale. "Please. Be with me. I'll be your girl."
"Make you go?" Santana shook her head, pulling Quinn into her arms. It didn't matter if she was confused or everything was a mess. He was still the person she loved and he was hurting. "I'd never make you go, Q. You mean too much to me." Licking her lips, she leaned in and kissed him softly. "Please stop this, Quinn. You're hurting yourself and I hate seeing you like this..."
"You said.." He blinked, "You said this is what you wanted... I'm giving you what you want." he said softly, "Please... "
She shook her head. "You're what I want, baby. I don't care if you're a girl or a guy, just... be you. I know what I said and I'm sorry. I was such an idiot." She reached up and pulled the clips from his hair. "Come upstairs with me? Mama and Papi might be home soon and we can talk in my room if it'd make you comfortable."
He nodded and carefully followed her up the stairs. He looked across the bedroom he had been sleeping in and expected his stuff to be gone, but it was just how he left it. He followed Santana into her bedroom and stood at the door.
"Come here," she whispered, walking in and sitting on the bed. "We need to talk, okay? Just come sit with me."
He moved closer and sat on the bed his hands between his knees. He looked down and looked at the bandaid that covered his good knee from where he cut himself trying to shave before putting on the dress.
Santana sighed, reaching over and taking his hand. "Okay. First, before I say anything else." She took a deep breath, "Quinn, I am so sorry for that crap I said to you. I was just hurt and," she shrugged, "you scare me. I'm scared you're going to push me away when you're all guy..."
"I won't." He whispered, "You're the only one I want..." He looked over at her, "I'm scared you're gonna push me away... since I'm not a girl."
She shook her head. "That's stupid, Q. I'm a bitch and I say horrible, hateful things when I'm scared and hurting. You know me and you know I don't even mean them most of the time. I'm not gonna lie and tell you I don't think about the Quinn that was my best friend sometimes. I do think about her. Not while we're having sex though, baby." She reached up and gently stroked his cheek. "You're all I think about when we're doing that."
He sniffled, a single tear falling to his lap. "Do you want to have sex with her?" He asked softly, "Because... I'll give that to you... I'll... I'll do that."
"Quinn," she breathed, "baby, no. I only want that if you do. If you want it, I will but only if you want it. I love you, Q. I don't want to hurt you."
Quinn couldn't hide the tears that fell from his eyes. "I don't," he whispered. "I don't wanna be a girl... I don't, San."
"I know," she whispered, standing up and pulling him to his feet. "Let me show you my Quinn," she suggested, undoing the fastenings on the dress.
He just looked broken. He let her pull his dress off and leave him standing in only boxers - since he didn't have any panties at Blaine's house - and his knee brace. He looked up, his eyes puffy and red.
"My Quinn is strong," she whispered, kissing him gently and tracing the scars on his chest with light strokes of her fingers. "Strong enough to hold me when I'm scared and strong enough to let me help when he needs me. He's handsome," her hand slid down to press against his firm abs and she smirked slightly. "Slim and athletic in a way that always turns me on when I see him."
"Okay," he whispered, still not sure if he believed her. "I'm not brave... I ran away."
"I left first," she admitted. "Cause I was scared to let you see me cry. I was so scared that if I broke down in front of you, I'd never get back up. I shouldn't have pushed you like I did. I'm so sorry, Quinn. I didn't think about you and how you'd feel about doing that kind of stuff."
He nodded, "Scares me... I don't want to hurt you. Don't wanna treat you like my dad treated my mom."
Santana shook her head. "I don't want you to do that either," she stroked his cheek, pressing light kisses along his collarbone. "That's not the sort of possessiveness I want you to show me when I ask for it. I just want to feel like I belong to you. Like no one can take me from you because you'll fight for me if they try. I just want you to be firm with me, baby. I want to be yours because I'm all you want. That's what I mean by possessive. Not the scary, stalker stuff that son of a bitch you call your dad does." She looked at him uncertainly, "Does that make any sense?"
"Yeah." He said softly, "But... I don't know how to do that without feeling weird... Can you... not ask me to do that for awhile?" he whispered.
She nodded, "Yeah. I can do that." She took a breath. "I'm sorry for making you feel like... like you had to do this, Quinn." She nodded at the dress, "You're not a girl, but you are the person I love and... well, I don't know what that means but I'd rather be with you than listen to people saying I shouldn't because I'm a lesbian. I..." she bit her lip, "Did I make you feel bad about anything else?"
He shrugged. "No one cares if you're a lesbian," he said softly, "It doesn't matter, high school's over." he sat down on the bed and looked up at her. "I just... I saw you, San... You didn't even wait... you found someone else... you found Kelly..."
Santana frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"Blaine took me to the bar to drink..." He swallowed, "To forget and I saw you kiss her and leave with her."
"So, what... you think I fucked her?" Santana looked hurt - it may have been her intention when she got to the bar to have sex with the other woman, but she hadn't been able to do it. "She's my friend and I don't exactly have a lot of those."
"I watched you kiss her." Quinn replied, "I watched you leave with her."
"Yeah, I did. I was scared because I couldn't find you and lonely and I needed someone to talk to," Santana's jaw worked as she sat down beside Quinn and looked down at her hands. "I thought I'd lost you and I wanted to stop hurting..."
"You kissed her. Did... did you sleep with her?" He asked, his tears streaking down his face.
"If you mean sleep as in sleep, then yeah." She bit her lip and looked over at Quinn, eyes bright with tears, "I didn't have sex with her, Quinn. Honest to God. I thought I wanted to - I drank enough to think I could. But I couldn't. She wasn't you... I couldn't do it. She just held me while I cried like a fucking baby because I missed you so damn much."
He nodded sadly, "I'm sorry I left... I was... I thought you didn't want me so I just had to leave you alone."
"It wasn't that," Santana whispered. "It wasn't ever that. I was just freaking out. You're not like the guys I've been with, Q, and you're sure as hell not like any of the girls. You scare me." She reached over but hesitated before taking his hand, "Loving you scares me cause I'm not sure how I fit. What am I gonna do when we get to college and you're a guy and the straight girls start realizing how amazing you are, you know?"
"You know who I am." he said, "You get that I'm different and are trying to be okay with it." He looked at her and took her hand. "I don't wanna be with anyone else."
"Neither do I." She looked down at their hands. "Is... is this, I mean are we back together now?" She licked her lips, looking up at him. "I want us to be. I want you back, Quinn. I hated it when you were gone..."
"I don't want to be alone," he whimpered. "I don't want you to be alone..." He squeezed her hand and smiled, "I wanna be your boyfriend."
Santana laughed in relief, leaning over to rest her head on Quinn's shoulder. "That's what I want," she whispered. "Screw the labels. I don't want anyone else, Q. I just want you. I just... I love you and I want to be the one you want."
"I love you too." He whispered, "Now... I haven't slept in a week... Can I get dressed and we take a nap?" he asked, his eyelids drooping with tiredness.
She kissed his cheek. "You only have to get dressed if you want to, but your sleep pants are under my pillow. I, um... kinda stole them."
He laughed softly and pulled them out and slid them over his boxers. He laid back and opened the covers letting her cuddle in next to him. "Are your parents mad at me?"
"Why would they be?" She yawned as she cuddled in next to him, feeling like she could actually relax for the first time in the past week, "I told them we had a fight and you went," she yawned again, "camping with Blaine and Sam to cool off."
"Okay." He was nearly asleep when he replied. He cuddled up into her and promptly fell asleep.