Trusting You to Catch Me - Chapter Four
Title: Trusting You to Catch Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 24,821
Spoilers: Everything up to On My Way and then deviating from there with minor Big Brother references.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, Brittany/Santana/Quinn/Rachel friendship, mentions of Brittany/Santana, some Finn/Rachel (not positive)
Summary: Following her accident, Quinn experiences the gamut of emotion: denial to acceptance to healing and everything in between. But through it all are her friends patiently helping her with caring and friendship and maybe more.
Warnings (highlight to read): eating disorders, severe accident recovery, graphic sex, verbal abuse, minor violence, family issues, cheating, body image issues
Chapter 4
A week later, Santana was sober, Judy wasn't and Quinn needed to go to her physio, so she drove her CRV over and helped her into the car before heading to the rehab facility. Glancing over at where Quinn was stiffly but silently sitting and looking out the window, she frowned. Just before she could open her mouth to say something though, Quinn spoke.
"You know," she licked her lips, "I'd... I'd like it if you could come in today. With me I mean."
"Inside?" Santana asked, "You want me too? I mean... Sure, but I don't want you to feel like you need to bring me in."
"I think maybe I do," Quinn whispered, turning her head to look at Santana. "We're doing more and more stretches and you always managed to know my limits better than anyone... including myself. I think... I think if I want to get better, I need you to help me. I'm asking, San."
"Okay," Santana said simply. She glanced over before putting her eyes back on the road ahead of them, "I told you I'm here for you whatever you need."
"Yeah, I know," she nodded. "That's why I'm asking. A lot of me doesn't want to ask but I know if I'm going to walk again, I need you. I need the girl who won't let me quit just because it hurts a little. I need my second in command... even if you are the captain now," she smiled slightly.
"And don't you forget it," she said as she pulled into the parking spot and pushed her sunglasses off. "Alright. I have your bag with water and stuff and your stuff to change into... need anything else?"
"You?" she smiled wanly. "Can you double check the chair is locked? I want to try to transfer out on my own... you'll catch me, right?"
Santana looked nervous as she nodded, but she got the chair out and set it up. "Q... I can pick you up. You're not that heavy. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I know you can," Quinn shrugged, "but I've got to learn to do this eventually, right? If I can't manage the chair even semi-solo, I'll never get back to school in time to graduate. That's not acceptable."
"Okay, gimp," Santana said as she got ready to catch her friend if she needed her.
Quinn took a deep breath as she scooted her legs out of the car. Reaching out, she gripped the arms of the chair and tried to swing out into it. Her cast had only just come off and the arm was still weak, so she slipped, starting to fall into the chair before Santana caught her. Panting with adrenaline, she let Santana lower her the rest of the way into the chair.
"Okay... that was stupid. I guess I wasn't strong enough yet," she smiled weakly.
"Good try though." Santana smiled, "We will get you a small weight so you can work out your arm in bed okay?" She said as she pushed Quinn towards the facility.
Quinn nodded. "I'm going to manage this. I'm tired of being stuck in bed because I can't get in the chair on my own. I'm going to figure it out, Santana. That's the first step, right?"
"Damn right," she said. "Once you get the arm going you can come back to school and then get moving on some of the harder physio stuff."
"You better be ready to help," she mock-threatened. "And... you said that Rachel and Britt would too, right? That they're dancers so they know this stuff?"
"Yep. When you're ready just ask Rachel for help and she can get Brittany to go along too."
She nodded, "Okay, but don't think you're getting to back out either." She smirked up at her, "I need my best friend."
"I spend six days a week with you," Santana teased, "I know there is no way out."
"Damn straight," she nodded with a smile, reaching up to squeeze her hand. "Now," she took a deep breath looking at the doors, "let's do this."
Santana headed in the doors and checked Quinn in before moving to sit on the bench while the trainer took Quinn to get her changed and ready for their session.
When they came out of the locker room with Quinn in shorts and a tshirt, her legs pale and tiny looking compared to how they once were, she ignored them to smile at Santana and reach a hand for her. "Ready, partner?" she asked, offering a lopsided smile.
The trainer smirked. "Quinn says you're her stretching partner in cheerleading and gymnastics so I'm assuming you know something. But you still need to follow my lead so we don't stretch the wrong thing. If you can handle that, we'll see if you can't help out more next time. Alright?"
"Yes Ma'am." Santana said, "I don't want to hurt her. Is her back getting better?"
"Well, that's for her doctor to say, I'm just a therapist," she smiled at Santana. "But she's getting stronger and I think we've managed to halt the muscle loss in her legs. Quinn's a fighter, right?" she asked the blonde, clapping a hand on her shoulder.
"Right. Besides I've got Santana Lopez in my corner," she smirked, "so there's no one who could stand up to me."
"I could take you," she smirked at the trainer.
"A tiny thing like you?" the trainer chuckled, "That'd be funny."
"Don't underestimate her," Quinn smirked as they wheeled into the training area. "She plays to win no matter what the game. Right, San?"
"Damn straight..." She said, "What we gonna do to her?"
"We are going to help her get her leg and arm muscles stretched to try and increase her range of motion until eventually it should be back where it was before she was hurt," she grinned at Quinn, "maybe even a little better. Then I am going to work with her on strength training and keeping her legs active so she doesn't lose too much muscle before they're working again."
"Sounds good," Quinn nodded with a brave smile before reaching for Santana. "Help me out of the chair so we can start?" she asked softly.
Santana nodded and leaned down, letting Quinn hold onto her neck as she carefully lifted her up. She brought her over to the mat and set her down carefully, "Don't flop over," Santana warned as she moved to sit down near her.
"I think I've figured that out by now," Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Okay, so you are pretty strong," the trainer acknowledged before moving over to help Quinn lie on her back so they could work a fuller range of motion with her legs. "Alright, Santana, we'll start with her legs."
"Okay," Santana said as she carefully put her hand on Quinn's thigh.
Quinn smiled at her, nervously but the trust was evident. "Don't worry. I've got faith in you."
The trainer looked between them in mild confusion and just shook her head as she led Santana through the exercises, making sure she understood what was going on.
Santana rolled Quinn's wheelchair across the paved path crossing the park behind the physiotherapy centre. She didn't want to take Quinn back home when it was such a nice day out and she honestly didn't want to face going home to an empty house. "Do you wanna chill here for awhile? It's a nice day out."
"Yeah," Quinn smiled looking around, pleased to be able to not be cooped up inside for once. "That sounds nice." She winced as she reached up to push a bit of hair back, her arms sore. "I'm kinda sore though..."
"You want a pain killer?" Santana asked as she flopped down on the grass and stretched.
"No. It's not that bad," she shrugged. "It's kinda nice to feel sore in my legs though. Makes me remember they're not really dead."
"We gotta get your muscle tone back when you get going again," Santana said as she poked one of the girl's legs. "Oh! Fuck, I know! Wanna smoke? It will help you not be sore."
"I like being sore and this is a public park, San," she glanced down at her raising a brow. "We'll get caught."
Santana pouted, "No, we won't..."
"Um, you do see the people walking around back here, right?" she pointed out. "If you wanna smoke, we need to go somewhere with less people."
"Are you gonna smoke with me?" she asked softly. "You won't get pissed if I smoke? Bri... Brittany used to get pissed when I would."
"Wrong blonde," Quinn rolled her eyes. "As long as I don't get in trouble, it's cool. Besides, who set you up with Mack as a supplier earlier this year? Or did you forget?"
"Mack's got some good shit," Santana said as she stood up and started wheeling Quinn towards a more secluded area. "Mr. Ryerson was a creep and his stuff was pretty bad, but it got the job done." She moved them to a small overgrown garden. "This work for ya?"
She looked around nervously, "I guess. You still buying from Mack?"
"Yeah, I stopped for awhile when I was with Brittany..." She sighed, and situated them behind a large tree on flat ground. "Calm down, princess. No one is gonna bust us."
"I just don't need to get in trouble over something stupid like a little weed on top of everything else," she mumbled, digging in her purse for a lighter. "Here."
"I got one," Santana said, as she pulled one out of her cleavage. "We could get you a medical weed card." She beamed at the idea. "You could be a legit stoner!" Santana smirked as she packed her small purple and black pipe. She brought it up to her lips and flicked the lighter and inhaled deeply. She pulled away and handed it over to Quinn. "Can you hold it? Or want help?"
Quinn laughed. "I'm pretty sure I couldn't get a medical allowance for weed, San. I'm not Mr Ryerson and that's totally creepy." She looked at the pipe then down to her tired arms. "I don't know. My arms are pretty sore right now."
"You just want me to smoke you up." Santana laughed as she got up on her knees and moved closer to Quinn. "You remember how to do this?" She smirked as she took a large hit on the bowl and moved closer to Quinn's lips.
She huffed out a laugh and leaned closer. "Only with Mack. You were too chicken last time, remember?" she teased. "Think you can handle it this time?"
Santana rolled her eyes and pressed her lips lightly against Quinn's waiting for her to take the smoke.
Quinn closed her eyes and opened her lips against Santana's taking a deep breath to inhale the smoke and holding her breath from a moment with her lips still against Santana before leaning back with a pleased smirk and letting it out slowly. "So you're not chicken anymore?"
"I didn't wanna be gay last time," she shrugged as she sat back down, "Let me know when you want more."
What she wanted was to be able to lie on the grass beside Santana, but instead she just looked up at the sky. "It's really pretty here," she murmured.
"It is. Do you want me to help you onto the grass?" She asked softly, "I'm not that strong but... I can get you back in."
"Are you sure?" she asked, looking over at her. "I mean... I can help but I'd feel pretty silly getting stuck out here even if the company's good and we are finally outside..."
"Your call, Blondie." She said as she looked at her, "I won't smoke myself retarded if I need to get you back in the chair."
"Kindly don't smoke yourself stupid even if you don't," Quinn grumbled. "I prefer being able to talk to you, but... let's try this," she reached for Santana. "I want to feel like a normal girl for a little while."
Santana put down the pipe and put the locks on the chair and wrapped one arm around Quinn's waist and one around her shoulders and carefully lifted her out. She slowly leaned over and placed her in the grass, straightening her legs out gently so she wouldn't hurt her. "That okay?"
"Yeah," Quinn nodded, smiling up at her looking for a moment almost like her old self. "That's a lot better." She reached out and smiled as she felt the blades of grass between her fingers. "You have no idea how much I missed this," she whispered, looking down at her hands.
"I bet. But whenever you want we can do this," Santana offered. "I love being outside," she explained as she started to take another hit.
She laughed. "You love not being home," she teased, reaching for her hand to squeeze it. "Want to test your courage again?"
Santana chuckled after she finished her own hit before taking another deep inhale off the pipe and leaned over Quinn. She raised her eyebrow and leaned down and pressed her lips to Quinn's again.
Quinn grabbed her shirt and held onto her while she pulled the hit into her lungs, smirking against Santana's lips before letting her go. After a moment, she let the smoke trickle out of her nose and licked her lips, the smirk still firmly in place. "What was that about not wanting to be gay?"
The darker girl pulled away. "Don't tease the lonely, broken hearted girl," she pouted before flopping down next to her friend.
"Maybe you're teasing me," she chuckled. "After all... you had a girlfriend until recently. I haven't had anyone and only you and Berry and - well, once but it was really weird, Brittany showed up with a duck - to keep me company."
"Brittany's not always the best company," Santana sighed, her fingers running through the grass. "I told my parents we broke up."
"Really?" she turned her head to look at her curiously. "I wouldn't have thought you'd tell them so quick. What'd they say?"
"My dad asked me why I came home the other day," she said between tokes. "He said something about Brittany and I told him it was over. He was glad... I'm no longer sinning and embarrassing the family."
"That's stupid," Quinn shrugged, shaking her head. "You weren't sinning or embarrassing anyone. They've really been that dumb about all of it?" she asked, gesturing for the pipe, feeling more secure when she could prop her arms against the ground.
Santana put fresh weed in the bowl and handed it over. "They've never been happy about it. I thought... Maybe I could come back to family dinner with my Abuela if I told them it was over." she scoffed, "I'm stupid to think it would change anything."
Quinn carefully took a hit off the pipe and handed it back. "They haven't let you eat dinner with them? That's pretty shitty."
"My Abuela doesn't want to see me." she shrugged, taking a large hit to calm her emotions. "Whatever."
"That sucks," Quinn shrugged. "Sorry."
"I'll live." She said before flopping back, "I like being left alone."
"Well, anytime you can't be home, come be with me, okay?" She smiled lopsidedly, "It's nice seeing something besides the same walls all the time."
"I already do that." Santana said. "I might as well move in at this point," she joked as she took another deep hit and coughed before handing the pipe to Quinn. "I'm done," she said as she curled onto her side into Quinn.
Quinn took a couple more hits before it smoldered out and set it aside to cool off as she wrapped an arm around Santana. "Hey, don't fall asleep. I know I'm comfortable but geez," she teased.
"Not sleeping," Santana said, her hand distractedly moving to rest on her stomach making sure that no skin was showing.
"Could have fooled me," she teased. "Want to stop and get salads on the way home? This stuff always makes me hungry."
"I'll get you one," Santana said. "I have to make dinner when I get home tonight."
Quinn frowned. "Never mind then. No point in going out of your way. I'm sure Mom's making something."
"I don't mind getting you something," Santana said, "It's not out of the way."
"I just didn't want to eat alone, but never mind," she shrugged. "I'm sure there's food at home."
"I... I can get something and eat with you." Santana said, "I can."
She shook her head. "You don't have to, San. You already put yourself out enough for me. It's fine."
"Some salad won't kill me," she lied, "I can have some. I got you high... I should feed you."
"You might have provided the weed, but I'm pretty sure I got me high," she smiled lopsidedly. "You do enough for me, San. You don't have to feed me just because I'm lonely or something."
"You're too skinny," Santana said, "Gotta get you back to fighting weight."
"That's incredibly ironic coming from you," she huffed, struggling to push herself to a sitting position. "Come on. No point in sitting here and moping all day if you've got things to do."
"I don't have anything to do." Santana said, "Wanna go to the ‘sticks?"
Quinn blanched at the idea of going somewhere that public where people who might know her would see how broken she was. "No. Definitely not."
"So... takeout then?" she asked softly.
She reached for the chair, "I don't want to be seen, Santana. I don't want to hear all those jerks whispering behind their damn hands about the poor, crippled Fabray girl and why can't she ever get it right?."
"I understand," Santana said as she got up and shook off the fuzzy feeling her in head. "Let's get you up."
Quinn reached an arm for her while the other gripped the arm of the chair. "I know I've fucked up my life. I don't need to be reminded all the time," she muttered.
"Welcome to my world," Santana said under her breath before she moved to lift Quinn up and get her seated. "You okay?"
"Are you?" she asked worriedly, having seen Santana wince slightly as she straightened up. "You didn't pull anything did you?" she reached towards Santana's lower back hesitantly.
"I'm good, you're not that heavy," Santana said as she started pushing her slowly. "You're not in pain?"
"No, I am definitely not in pain," she smiled, craning her head to look up at Santana.
"My services are always available," She said with a smirk. "I'm always holding."
"Careful with that. I don't want my best friend arrested," she chided. "But you just like getting me high." She giggled softly at the memory of Santana passing the smoke, "Maybe cause I let you kiss on me when you do?"
"Hey!" Santana said, "You told me to do it. I don't want that shit getting around. I try to remove the fear from the straight population at McKinley... they already think I'm gonna rape them all in the showers."
"Ew," Quinn frowned. "That's dumb. They'd ask you to screw them in the showers, so it totally wouldn't be rape. And I never said I didn't tell you to. Just that you like it when I let you," she teased.
Santana blushed, "It's... I don't want you to worry about me wanting to be all up over you."
She rolled her eyes and huffed, "Santana, honestly. I'm not worried about that. I trust you. I just thought you might have enjoyed it even a little bit even if it wasn't, like, a real kiss but," she shrugged, "whatever. Not much attractive about a crippled girl anyway."
"You're very attractive," Santana whispered, "and I liked it. Shotgunning is fun."
"Yeah, I guess," she whispered, looking down at her hands where they were folded in her lap and feeling foolish for bringing it up in the first place.
"You... you know I'm not good at like the whole... talking about my problem and all," she said as she got to the car.
"What problem?" she asked, taking over wheeling the chair so she could get in position as Santana got the car unlocked and the door open.
"Homo... that problem," She sighed before helping Quinn into the car. "But, it's okay."
"That's not a problem, Santana. It's just who you are," she shook her head, shrugging as she fastened the seatbelt. "I thought you understood that I felt that way after Rachel and the other girls and I stood up for you against that asshole Jamie Finnigan."
"I know... I know you all are okay with it," Santana sighed as she got in the car and turned it over. She took a breath and focused her thoughts as she pulled out of the parking lot. "Uh. I mean just because you all accept it doesn't mean I have."
Quinn shook her head. "San, you're being foolish. There's nothing wrong with you falling for women," she reached over and squeezed her wrist. "If it's who you love, it's who you love. Who cares about what they've got between their legs?"
"Everyone who's not you?" She replied, "I don't want to be different and I don't really want to deal with anymore disappointments. Deciding to be with Brittany was the worst thing ever. I lost everything."
"Everything?" she asked softly, her hand slipping from Santana's wrist and dropping to her lap. "You really think you lost everything?"
Santana just sighed. "I know you have lost things too... but at least you got your mom back. She still loves you," she said. "I... there is just... things you don't understand and I don't want to talk about."
"My mom's a barely functional alcoholic, Santana," Quinn grumbled, staring out the window. "There are things you don't understand too, but hey... at least I got my pickled mom back after getting disowned and kicked out and having to give up my baby. Hell of a consolation prize, don't you think?"
Santana sniffled. "I don't want to talk about this," she whispered as she drove back towards Lima.
"Fine, whatever," Quinn groused, her good mood dampened.
"I'm sorry," Santana said, as she pulled into the restaurant. "Do you want a Ceasar or Cobb salad?"
"I don't care," she muttered, staring out the window. "Just get whatever you want."
Santana nodded as she got out of the car and headed inside. She ordered a Cobb for Quinn, since it was what she normally ordered, and a plain garden salad for herself and leaned against the counter to wait. After awhile the food was finished and she came back out to the car, slipping back in to drive back to Quinn's house.