Dare to be Aware - Chapter Twenty-Two
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 102,055
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 22
Santana had been miserable on the drive home, ignoring her parents' questions as to where Quinn was and what had happened. She'd begged off of dinner, claiming to be too tired after the festivities of graduation and had just gone up to her room. Stripping out of her clothes and showering didn't make her feel any better so she'd curled up in her empty bed under the blankets and hugged the pillow Quinn had used whenever he'd snuck into her room after a nightmare.
A whiff of the scent of his skin mingled with a faint trace of the cologne he liked to use hit her nose and broke through her determined focus to not cry. Burying her face in the pillow as the fact they were over hit her, she sobbed, her breath coming in broken pants as she shook. Eventually, exhausted by everything, she fell asleep, still wrapped around the pillow.
When she woke up the next morning, her first thought was that she felt awful for not having drank anything the night before. Her second thought was an almost overwhelming need to apologize for the crap she'd been saying. She got up, rubbing tiredly at her eyes as she stumbled to her closet to pull on a pair of Cheerio sweats and a sports bra. Grabbing a shirt on her way out of her room, she headed across the hall to Quinn's room.
"Look, Q, about yesterday, I'm so-" she stopped as the door finished swinging open, revealing the empty room.
Her eyes darted to the bed, but it was still neatly made as if no one had slept in it. Biting her lip, she pulled the shirt on over her head and headed downstairs. A quick glance out the front window as she passed it gripped her heart in a frightened squeeze as she noticed the absence of his car. Sticking her head in the kitchen, she looked around but the only person in there was her mom at the stove.
"Mami, have you seen Quinn?" she asked, starting to get worried.
Maria shook her head with a little shrug. "No, I am sorry. Perhaps he stayed out with his friends? You know how boys can be."
"Yeah," Santana smiled lopsidedly, not wanting to admit they'd broken up, "I'm sure that's it. Hey, can I borrow the car?"
She thought about it for a moment, "Yes. You know where the keys are and be careful. Not all of your former classmates went home with their parents like you last night."
"Not a problem. They're all probably passed out somewhere. I'll be back later. Love you, Mami," she shrugged, kissing the woman's cheek before heading out.
Two hours later, the worry she'd felt when she couldn't find Quinn after waking up had turned into something a lot more akin to panic. She'd checked everywhere she knew that he might go. Neither Blaine or Sam had seen him and even Kelly just shrugged in confusion when she'd asked. He wasn't answering his phone or responding to messages.
She pulled over to the side of the road when her vision started getting too blurry to drive. "Where are you, Q?" she whispered, staring blankly out the windshield of her car at the passing cars. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I said those things. Please just where are you..."
Quinn sat curled up in the back of his car. His pain medications had worn our a few hours prior and his insomnia and paranoia were too bad to let him fall back asleep on his own. He clutched his phone and dialed every number, of every relative that he remembered searching for his mom. He even called his sister who promptly screamed at him and called him every disgusting name she knew.
He threw his phone up to the front of the car and curled into a ball. He was parked in the parking lot of the bar where he had picked Santana up in. He didn't know where else to go.
When Blaine pulled into the bar's parking lot and saw Quinn's car parked in the back corner, he let out a sigh of relief. Sending a quick text to Sam that he'd found him, he pulled into the spot next to the red car and hopped out. Seeing the boy shivering in the back seat, he knocked on the window.
"Q? Hey, let me in."
Quinn's body jumped when he heard a knock on the door. He looked up, and wiped his tear swollen red eyes before pushing his blanket aside and opening the door for Blaine. Quinn pulled his good knee to his chest and hugged it. "Hey," he said softly, his voice rough with emotion.
"Hey," Blaine whispered, taking in how beat up the boy looked with a wince, crawling into the car, he shut the door behind him. "You okay? Santana's going pretty crazy looking for you, you know."
"I don't really care what she's doing." He said monotone, his eyes fixated on the seat in front of him. "She's the reason I'm homeless again."
"Oh," Blaine sat there for a moment, just keeping Quinn company. "What... what happened? If you don't mind me asking. Santana wasn't exactly forthcoming with any details..."
"She decided to go full on bitch." He sighed, "She's not straight. She more or less told me it was unfair that I got to live with the fact I was forced to be in this body and she just found out." he rolled his eyes. "Oh, and that she doesn't like having sex with my dick and she pretends I'm how I used to look. That her mom thinks she's not being gay enough by being with a tranny."
He winced. "Ouch. Harsh. So she just... snapped on you? I mean, I thought you two were doing pretty good when we saw you before the ceremony."
"She kept pushing me to be possessive in sex, so when we snuck out to do it after graduation I was trying to give her what she keep pushing me for," he groaned. "I only went to the graduation for fucking her. I didn't even want to go and have everyone judge me."
"Yeah, that was pretty obvious," Blaine teased, nudging him with his shoulder, "I mean, Sam was just two seats down the row from you and you completely ignored him. So she likes it when you're possessive of her. What's the big deal? Most guys like it when their partner wants them to possess them. I know I find it sexy as hell."
"I was going along with her..." He sighed, "She got offended when I repeated back something she said! Then she started freaking out at me."
"Seriously?" He looked confused, trying to puzzle out how that could make any sense. "If she said it, why would she get offended? That doesn't make any sense, Q."
"I don't know! I was going along with what she wanted." He blinked away tears. "She said some really bad stuff..." He swallowed, "She's gay and I'm not a willing to be a girl for her so we broke up."
Blaine blinked at him, stunned. "Wait... you broke up? Seriously? Over one fight? With Santana? You two are always fighting. What'd she say that was so awful?"
"Pretty much told me that it's not fair that I get to be a boy and she still has to be gay. That I have it so easy because I get to be a boy." He scoffed, "She equated her being outted by Finn to me being almost killed by my dad. That she had a no choice but to come out... like I fucking did? She's pissed that you and Sam knew before her, but that's because you wanted to date Sam. She doesn't understand how hard being me" he air quoted, "is. That she can be gay and no one had to know, but I can't be a man and a girl at the same time and my dad decided that I get to be one all the time now."
"Oh," he breathed, taking it all in. "Wow. That's... that's really harsh. I could try and defend her by maybe understanding being hurt you didn't feel like you could tell her who you really are, but she went way over the line. Way over."
"I understand that she's hurt," Quinn sighed, "but she's not understanding or even listening to me." He shrugged. "I spent all night trying to call everyone one I know to try to find my mom," he admitted. "I'm not welcome here anymore."
Blaine raised a surprised eyebrow, "Since when? Maybe you forgot, but Sam and I are still here and we still want you around. Heck, so is Kelly. And maybe Santana's being a bitch, but she really seemed upset when she came by looking for you."
"I'm not you and Sam's problem." he sighed, "I just... I just want my mom." He whispered, "I want her to tell me that she loves me and that no matter what I am... what I look like, she loves me... even if it's not true."
"Look, Q, you're not our problem, you're our friend," he sighed, reaching over to pull Quinn into an awkward one armed hug. "And you're not really going to let one fight run you out of town, are you? The Quinn I know is one hell of a lot braver than that." He nodded with a little shrug. "Yeah, you want your mom. I get that. Everyone does when they're hurting and you're hurting pretty bad, but do you even know where to start looking?"
"No..." he sighed. "I just don't belong anywhere." He blinked, "She's the only reason I'm still alive and then she fucking tore my whole body apart... again." he grumbled, "Fucking Santana."
"Yeah, she's an idiot, but her being a bitch doesn't make you not belong here, Q. Besides, you know Santana. She tears people down whenever the bee in her bonnet stings her." Blaine shrugged, "It's just who she is."
"But, I love her," he whimpered sadly. "She doesn't want me when I look like this..."
Blaine shook his head. "That's stupid, Quinn. Forget what stupid crap came out of her mouth last night - and I guarantee you it was stupid crap - and think about how she acts around you. She's not that good an actress, Q. She cares about you."
"She's a lesbian and she wants to be with a girl." He shrugged, looking out the window. "Maybe I should just be a girl..."
"I'm not gonna pretend to know what Santana wants, but would being a girl make you happy?"
"I'm not happy... what's the difference anymore?" He looked up, his face drained of color.
Blaine sighed, shrugging. "I don't know, Q. Is she that important to you?"
"I don't know anymore..." He shrugged, "I'm tired... my knee hurts like a bitch and I just kinda wanna curl up in a ball and die."
"Well, how about I take you home?" He asked, "Sam went and got your meds from the Lopez house while Santana was running around searching for you. You know my mom loves you. Just come home with me, have dinner, stay for at least the night and maybe things will look better in the morning."
"Okay." He said softly, "If it's okay..."
"It's definitely okay. You want to leave this here for now? Sam and I can come get it while you're sleeping if you want," Blaine asked, sliding out of the car and reaching in to help Q out with his bad knee.
"Okay..." He said softly, sliding out and grabbing his cellphone and backpack. He limped behind Blaine, he was thankful for his friend's kindness but he still wanted nothing more than to go back to the place he had been calling home since he got out of the hospital and see Santana.
Quinn sat at the dimly lit bar. He hadn't been back since the time he and Santana hooked up at the motel, back before everything fell apart. He nursed his beer as Blaine talked to him about the apartments he had and Sam had found for the three of them for college, nodded slowly as he listened to his friend talk.
He hadn't even tried really hard to work on passing that night. A simple pair of jeans and a hoodie adorned his slim figure. It had been two days since graduation. He had spent the first night in his car and the second with the Anderson's. He took another long pull out of his bottle and looked around.
Santana didn't know where Quinn was when she slipped into the bar. After two days of no contact from him on any level, she was starting to accept that he didn't want to talk to her ever again. It made her heart ache every time the thought crossed her mind that she'd never see him again, so eventually she decided to come down to the bar. She knew she'd get enough suckers to buy her drinks to numb the ache of losing the one person who'd ever really loved her through her own stupid mouth and if she was really lucky, Kelly would be there and single.
She was dressed in her best "drink getter" - a slinky black number with fuck-me-heels that accentuated her toned legs perfectly. The regulars knew she never went home with anyone wearing that, but the new girls always though they had a chance. When she spotted Kelly at the bar alone, she did her best to smirk like she used to as she sauntered up to her.
Kelly sipped her vodka and cranberry as she watched Santana saunter over to her. "Hey, San," she said as she tried to not let her eyes rake over the girl's body. "I thought you'd show up sooner or later..."
Santana smirked as she leaned on the bar beside her, accepting the gin and tonic from the red-head down the bar with a nod and a salute with the glass. "Yeah, well, what can I say? I'm a creature of habit." She let her eyes travel over the woman's short skirt and blouse combo, "And you're a habit I'd like to cultivate tonight if you're interested."
"What happened, San?" Kelly asked as she looked at her sort of friend.
She couldn't keep the flicker of pain of her face, but she quickly hardened with a shrug, slamming back her drink. "What's it matter? He can't be a girl for me and it's all over, so you want to fuck me or should I try to find someone else?"
"You're not going home with anyone else, San," Kelly said softly as she reached out and took Santana's hand. "Look, we don't need to talk about it because I see that you're hurting... but you knew how he felt about his body when you started dating him."
Santana shook her head sharply, "Don't you think I know all that? What? Did he get to you first?" Her jaw worked as she blinked, looking away to glare down at the fresh glass in her hand. "Fuck, Kelly... I know I screwed up okay? Can we... I just want to forget. I don't want to fucking talk about it."
"I haven't seen or talked to Quinn in weeks, San." She said softly, almost sadly. "I know this is hard for you..." She leaned over and pushed a piece of hair behind Santana's ear. "I wanna be a friend for you okay?"
Across the bar Quinn's eyes locked on them. He wasn't sure who he felt more betrayed by. When he watched his Santana lean in and apparently kiss Kelly he nearly broke his bottle with the sheer force of the clench of his hand.
"I don't know if I deserve a friend," Santana whispered as she pulled back, her eyes bright with tears she didn't want to shed. "I just want to not feel for a little while, Kelly. Please..."
"I know, it hurts, sweetie," Kelly sighed and flagged them down another two drinks. "You're entitled to your feelings," she said as she took a sip of her glass. "I can't do anything to make you feel better, San. You know that. I'm not who you want."
"I don't want to feel better," Santana growled, taking a large swallow and relishing the burn as it slid down her throat. "I just want to not feel. And who the fuck cares if you're not who I want. Who I want doesn't fucking want me. Or at least doesn't want to fucking try to want me. At least you do."
Kelly looked at Santana like she was crazy. She took a drink and looked away trying to comprehend what Santana was even saying. She shook her head and quickly understood why Quinn might have gotten mad and left the fiery girl. "Do you wanna get out of here, San?"
"Yes," she snapped, dropping her drink to the bar, nearly spilling the last bit left in it. "That's what I've been saying since I got in here. Can we just go?" She looked around and bit her lip to try not to cry, "I don't want to be in here anymore. It reminds me of him."
Kelly rolled her eyes at Santana's sarcastic elaboration of him. She paid the bartender and got up, taking Santana's hand and walking towards the the door. What they didn't notice was Quinn glaring at them as they walked out of the bar.
"I hate them." Quinn hissed as he reached over and downed his vodka shot. "They can have each other."
"What?" Blaine asked confusedly, looking over at him, "Who? What's going on?"
"Santana's already replaced me." He looked up and pointed Blaine to Santana and Kelly.
"With Kelly?" He raised a brow as he watched them walk out. "Q, we really gotta work on your paranoia..."
"They kissed... They've fucked countless times before me. And now that I'm gone?" He sighed and pounded another shot. "Whatever."
Santana was way too wasted to drive. She'd known she was going to be, so she'd taken a taxi to the club instead of driving. She had money for a motel room, but she'd been hoping Kelly would be there.
"So, your car or we can get a room at the place down the street? It's kinda shitty, but it's a bed." She tried to smirk, tried to treat what was happening as a business transaction and nothing more. She wavered slightly on her heels in the gravel of the parking lot as they moved towards Kelly's car.
"Why don't you just come to my place?" Kelly said softly as she helped Santana into the car. "Get you something to sleep in and stuff," she said as she slipped in herself and turned on the ignition.
Santana scoffed. "What are you talking about, Kelly? You don't invite people back to your place. You're kinda known for it. Don't screw around, we can just use the backseat if you don't wanna get a motel room. Not like we haven't before..."
Kelly just started driving towards her house. "I want you to come over," Kelly said softly after a few moments of driving. "I don't wanna go to a hotel."
"Don't pity me," she finally growled after a long moment. "Don't pity me because I fucked up with Quinn, Kelly. Don't you dare. You don't take fucks home with you and that's all I am, so stop playing around."
"Stop bitching, Santana," Kelly snapped. "You're my friend so I'm bringing you to my house... or I can take you to your house. Whatever you prefer." She said with a pointed looking knowing how much Santana's parents would be pissed if Santana came home this trashed.
Santana stared out the window. "I don't want to go home," the words came out sullen and unhappy. "I came out looking for you because I didn't want to be there. But I'm not your friend. I'm not anyone's friend. The only people I ever thought were my friends turned out to be a crazy, possessive bitch and a complete lie."
Kelly just sighed, very familiar with angsty drunk Santana. She drove towards her place and parked in the driveway. She got out of the car and offered her hand to Santana when she came over to her side of the car.
Santana took her hand and let her pull her up, following her up the stairs to her apartment before she spoke again. "Why are you being nice to me?" she asked softly. "I don't deserve anyone being nice to me after all the stupid shit I said to Quinn. I was a total bitch, yeah, but I can't even apologize it was so awful..."
Kelly shrugged and unlocked her door. "Because you were my friend first," she said softly. "Quinn is my friend, but Quinn also hurt me and you're here looking for friendship and he's not."
"Doesn't mean he won't. And what could he do to hurt you?" Santana frowned, her alcohol-soaked brain not processing things as quickly as she wanted.
Kelly just shrugged and backed Santana into the door. She pressed their lips together, relieved by the instant rekindling of their connection. It had been a while for her and Santana, and the women that she had slept with since hadn't matched up.
This was what she wanted, Santana reminded herself as she let Kelly press her into the door. She wanted the older woman to take her and make the memories of Quinn's lips and hands and body go away. She brought her hands up to tangle in Kelly's hair and pull her closer, lips opening to suck in a questing tongue.
She did her best to ignore how wrong it felt to be kissing someone who wasn't Quinn. To have soft breasts instead of the scarred smooth plane of Quinn's chest pressing against hers. To have hands just slightly too soft sliding up her thigh, pushing her dress up. She tried her best to ignore the tears trickling down her cheeks as she moved to kiss a smooth neck that smelled like jasmine and baby powder instead of Old Spice.
Kelly felt the other girl's tears as they kissed. "San," she whispered as she pulled away, her thumbs pushing away her tears. "Don't cry..."
"I'm not," Santana whispered, trying to lean in and kiss her again. She wanted to kiss her. She felt almost whole when she was kissing her. It didn't matter if she was just a little too short or her lips were just a little too full to fit perfectly or if she tasted of spearmint chewing gum and cranberry juice rather than than cherry throat lozenges and mint lip balm. "Don't be ridiculous. Come on, I be's tryings to get my mack on here..."
Kelly kissed Santana back and scratched at the back of her neck as they tried to hold onto a feeling that wasn't there. They were trying so hard, but Kelly knew... they both knew that nothing was right.
Santana reached up to press her hand to Kelly's chest, sliding a leg up to rest against her hip and pull her close, but it didn't matter. Nothing made her forget him and the more she tried, the more she remembered. The way he held her. The way he treated her like she was something special.
"I fucked up, Kelly," she whispered, giving up on trying to push for a physical connection she was starting to realize wouldn't happen as she slumped back against the door. "I fucked up so bad..."
Kelly gathered the small girl in her arms and brought her through the small apartment and laid with her on the bed. She curled up behind her and rubbed Santana's back. "Talk to me..."
"I love him," she whispered, curling in on herself, tears streaking her face. "I love him so much and I said awful things. I don't even know why I said them! I just... I hurt! I was hurting and I wanted him to feel as bad as I was and... God, I was such a bitch, Kelly!"
"Tell me what you said.. and more importantly, why you said it." She asked softly knowing the kinds of things that Santana might have said.
She took a shaky breath, trying to remember everything she'd said. "I... I told him I come harder without his dick... I... I told him I think about him as a girl sometimes, that... that I'm a lesbian and I'm not supposed to fall for guys!" She sobbed brokenly, the comfort of being held mixing with the alcohol in her system to destroy her willpower, "He called me a glory hole, Kelly. Just some nasty hole anyone could fuck. I just wanted him to tell me I belonged to him... that I was his... that I wasn't just some w-whore like everyone says I am..."
"Quinn wouldn't just say that... why did he call you that? Were you fighting?" She asked as she rubbed Santana's back.
She shook her head, unable to look at Kelly. "N-no... no. We were... he was," she swallowed, "he was fucking me under the bleachers. I... he told me he used to fantasize about taking his aggression out on me - like, sexually, you know? - when I'd get him mad when he used to be co-captain with me. I just... I wanted to make him mad so he could have his fantasy. It was a stupid lie..."
"So he was playing." Kelly was relieved, the other words didn't sound like Quinn. "So he was just pretending to be angry?"
"I don't know... I shouldn't have told him I let Puck fuck me in the ass," she swallowed, feeling sick. "I never let anyone do that, you know me... b-but he... he said I was a whore... that I was his whore. I... I shouldn't have asked if that's all I was... I shouldn't have," her breath caught in her throat. "I should have known he'd say it was... I should have known..."
"Santana, you are not stupid," Kelly said. "You know that boy. He doesn't think that, he was going along with your game. He'd do anything you ask of him!"
"I know!" Santana sobbed, "I was stupid, okay? I just... he... he fucking scares me okay!" She finally raised her head to look at Kelly, "He scares me... what do I do if I let him all the way in and he breaks me like she did? I can't deal with that, I just can't... I don't... I'm a lesbian, Kelly, I'm not supposed to fall for guys! I don't want to be his fucking experiment only to be dropped when he's not a girl at all any more and straight girls want him! I don't want to lose him like that," she whispered, her gaze dropping again.
"Santana... You need to to deal with the fact he's not a girl anymore." Kelly said, "I know that it must be a hard change for you. I never knew him when he looked feminine... the one time I saw him... In that cheerleading outfit." She took a deep breath, "I've never seen someone look so unhappy." She whispered, "I just... when you look at Quinn now... don't you think he looks happier?"
"I know he is," Santana murmured, wiping at her eyes, "but she was my best friend, Kelly. I told everything to her. Everything. A-and... now I know that all of that... all of it was just a lie. God, I feel so stupid. He spent most of his life building a lie as my best friend, letting me trust him... her... letting me fall for her... and it was all a lie. What if... what if this is a lie too? He says he loves me but she said she was my best friend and that was a lie."
"I know it's confusing..." Kelly sighed, "I'm so sorry that this is hurting you. This sucks... there is no part of this that doesn't suck." She pulled Santana close. "You know that you're the best thing that ever happened to that boy." She spoke softly, "Quinn loves you because he trusts you. I bet he's scared and hurt and I know he wants you forever."
"I don't know that," she whispered, pulling away and wrapping her arms around herself. "I know he tells me he loves me, but if I ask him to be possessive of me, to just show that he wants me, he can't... or won't, God only knows which is worse. I don't know him. I knew her. I trusted her. But she was just a lie. He fucked me twice without even telling me who he was, Kelly! Letting me get drunk and think he was just some random, sweet guy... Who is he?"
She shook her head, "How can I trust he's telling me the truth when he says he loves me? One fight. That's all it took to fuck everything up. And I don't even know where he fucking is right now to even try and apologize! I looked everywhere, Kelly! Everywhere! I thought he fucking left or died or something until fucking Sam texts me that he's okay. That's all I have. That's it."
"Do... are you understanding why he won't possess you?" She asked, "You actually met his father... from what I know he was a controlling, abusive, possessive person." Kelly took a breath, "I understand why you're hurt... but I think you need to try to see it from Quinn's view. He is that sweet guy. He wants to love so much and so hard that he'd do anything for you." She smiled sadly, "It doesn't matter if Quinn is a guy or a girl... He's Quinn... his body and appearance and how he was made to act was a lie... his love isn't."
"I know," she whispered, curling in on herself again. "I know that. I just... I want to feel like I belong to him, you know? That he wants me that much. I want to feel like he'd fight for me, like he wouldn't just let me go. I just," her voice broke as fresh tears trickled down her cheeks, "I just want to see him so bad... I want him back, Kelly. I just want him back..."
"I think you both need to cool off for a bit," she said honestly. "Quinn's scared and hurt. You said... you said bad things and he's sensitive." Kelly looked at her, "He'll come back to you... but when he does, are you going to push him away because of your obsession with being gay? Because maybe you're not gay. You're eighteen, shit changes. Love changes you."
"I don't know. I just want him back," she sobbed, "I didn't want him to go. I just want to know he's okay. I want to apologize. I never wanted this label... but I'm stuck with it. The whole fucking state knows I'm a lesbian because of that goddamn ad campaign. How do I get past that?"
"Santana... You're going to college if a few weeks." She smiled and ran her finger across her friend's frown lines, "No one is even going to remember that. You get to start over at college. You get to be whomever you wanna be with whomever you want."
"I hope so," she sighed, wiping at her eyes again. "I feel like an idiot, Kelly..."
"I know you feel like shit right now... but yeah... you kinda should." She smiled, pulling the covers up over them. "So should Quinn."
"Why?" Santana yawned, snuggling into the blankets, tired from her crying jag. "He just did what I guess I asked for..."
"Because he didn't tell you how he was feeling and he walked away," Kelly wrapped an arm around her and held her close. "We're friends, Santana," she whispered, "don't forget that."
"I won't," Santana whispered, falling asleep, comforted by someone willing to hold her, even if it wasn't who she really wanted.