Dare to be Aware - Chapter Thirteen
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 50,736
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 13
Brittany was beyond simply jealous.
She was angry. Santana was hers, not Quinn's. She was the one that put up with the girl's sometimes violent mood swings. She was the one who got her to admit she loved her. Love! Santana told her she loved her! At school! In front of like people! That was important, right?
She'd always known that Santana would do as she asked. Ever since they were little girls together, Santana had smiled just for her and it just was the best thing ever. All she ever had to do was smile and kiss her friend and everything was perfect because Santana would do what she wanted her to.
When Quinn moved to town, Brittany hadn't been too concerned. Sure Santana watched her and insisted they hang out together, but so had she. Quinn was pretty and nice. Most of the time and the rest of the time, it was funny so who cared?
Then they were fifteen together and when she'd wanted to experiment, Quinn had turned her down but Santana had agreed. Like she always did. Like she was supposed to. Because she was Brittany's. And all it took was a smile and a kiss. And then another kiss.
The sweet lady kisses had been the best part about being with Santana. Until Santana made a mistake. Sure, Brittany made mistakes. All of the time. But she didn't make mistakes during sweet lady kisses. She didn't call out for Quinn while Santana was giving her special kisses.
It made Brittany mad.
So she made Quinn pay for trying to tempt her Santana away.
She knew how important the other girl's reputation was to her. How important it was for her to be seen as the pretty and pure virgin girl. So Brittany had taken the photos she'd taken of Quinn in fun at their last cheer competition when the other girl had gotten mad and pinned a girl from another team to the wall to yell at her and she posted them around the school after sliding a sheet of looseleaf with a story about Quinn and the girl hooking up with their own sweet lady kisses into Jacob's locker.
It hadn't taken long before the entire school thought Quinn was gay. Even her boyfriend Finn had broken up with her over it. And Santana stopped calling Quinn's name when Brittany gave her special kisses so Brittany was happy again.
But over the summer Santana decided to get the cute duckie birthmark on her right boob removed. Brittany liked that birthmark. She hadn't really meant for Santana to get demoted when she'd cried about it to Sue, but she'd liked that she'd been punished even if everyone did think her tits were fake after that. That was her special duckie and Santana shouldn't have just gotten it removed.
Then Santana had been mean and she'd picked Artie to make her jealous. But Artie was like a broken baby bird and she needed to take care of him, so he had to be hers too. It wasn't her fault Santana couldn't understand that. But that didn't mean Santana wasn't still hers. Just that Artie was too.
She thought she'd gotten that when they'd started dating. That she understood she was Brittany's and no one else's. But Artie was still hers too and she liked going over and riding on his chair. Sex was magic and it made him better so it stood to reason that the more sex she had with him, the more better he'd get until he finally got to walk. But Santana didn't understand and she'd gotten upset and said the Brittany had picked Artie over her again.
It really had made her upset when Santana stopped hanging out with her in favor of Quinn. But nothing had made her as jealous and angry as standing outside the closet she'd seen them disappear into and hear them talking to each other and calling Quinn Santana's boyfriend. It made her furious to think that Santana wanted to be with Quinn still and that Quinn thought she could be a guy so that Santana didn't have to like girls anymore.
She wanted to punish Quinn. To finally knock her down off of her tower and put her in her place. She wanted Santana back.
So she found herself in the tree outside Santana's window one night. She was grateful for the ninja lessons she'd gotten from Mike because she was pretty sure no one heard her climb the tree and dressed all in black like she was, she was pretty sure no one could see her. She wanted to talk to Santana, maybe get her to realize that sweet lady kisses with her were the best. But if she couldn't, she wasn't above taking pictures.
She never expected to see what she did.
Quinn came out from Santana's bathroom dressed in loose fitting men's sleep pants and a white v-neck shirt that hugged his chest. He had his binder on so his contours looked inherently male. He had his hair back in a low ponytail and the top of his boxer briefs could be seen over top of his pants. He stretched and walked over to Santana who was typing on her computer, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.
"Baby, stop typing and pay attention to me." He said softly as he nibbled on her ear.
Santana smiled and tilted her head slightly, but kept typing. "You know we gotta get this shit done before class tomorrow. You're lucky I'm willing to type it up for you and can I just say your conjugations seriously need work." She knew she was teasing her lover, but she liked the way he growled possessively in her ear when she refused him, making her feel even more wanted. "What did you need, anyway?"
"I want you naked," he said simply as he ran his hand down the front of her shirt and to her breast. He massaged it gently, rolling her nipple between his fingers. "I want you on your back, or knees... your choice but I wanna fuck you again."
Santana's eyes closed and she leaned back slightly, but her hands stayed on the keyboard. "When don't you want to fuck me?" she teased. "I know your dick wants this sexy as hell body like all the time, but shouldn't your education come first?"
"I have a A in that class, I'm not worried," he said as he rolled her nipple. "Baby... I wanna get my dick wet. I already fucked you until you passed out when we got home, but I wanna do it again," he begged as he kissed her neck. "I'm so hard for you."
"And that's why you're kinda of the perfect boyfriend," Santana murmured, leaning back to kiss him, "you're always hard." She reached back and ran her hand over the bulge in his pants with a smirk. "Only guy I've ever met who can keep up with me."
Quinn kissed her, his lips possessing her mouth and demanding her attention. He twisted her nipple until she gasped into his mouth. "Do you want my dick, Santana?" He whispered against her lips.
"Yes," she murmured, slipping her hand into his pants and stroking his cock, "I want to wrap my lips around your head and suck you off before you take me." She pushed his cock into his body, "Would you like that?"
He grunted, "Yes." He said as he moved his hand into her hair. "Get on your knees, please." He whispered before pressing a kiss to her lips to let her know he was playing how demanding he was being.
Santana laughed, "Saying please kinda kills the dominance act." But she slid out of her desk chair to her knees in front of Quinn, reaching up to undo the buttons of his fly so she could free his dick from his pants. "Sure you can stay standing? These lips could be considered lethal weapons."
"I can stand," he said as he moved to tangle his fingers in her hair. "You are so stunning," he whispered as he put his hand on his dick. "Do you want this?" He asked, as he ran his hand up and down his shaft.
"Yes," she whispered with a little smirk as she reached up to slide her fingers over him. Rising up on her knees slightly, she met his eyes and placed a kiss to the tip of his member. "How much do you want me to suck you, Quinn?"
"So bad," he whispered as he watched his lover. "I love when you touch me." He cupped her chin and ran his dick against her lips. "I want you to suck me and show me how much you want me to fuck you when you're done."
She reached out and ran her tongue up his shaft from the base to the tip before taking him between her lips and sucking on the head, her cheeks hollowing as she sucked. She kept her eyes locked with his as she sucked him for a moment. When she pulled away, a string of saliva connected them for a moment. "Tell me how to show you. Should I strip and spread my legs on the bed so you can see?" She licked him again before swirling her tongue around the bulbous head of his shaft, "Should I fuck myself and show you how wet I get?"
"I want you to finger yourself," he said as he guided her head back to his dick. "Get yourself ready for me."
"Mmm, I can do that," Santana chuckled, taking him into her mouth and sliding up and down on his shaft. She never took him too deep - the taste of his member really wasn't appealing to her and her gag reflex was a bit stronger than most girls - but she worked him, pumping the bit of shaft she didn't suck with her hand as she watched him.
He whimpered and watched her, wishing that he could feel her, but fine with the image in his mind. He watched as she slid her own hand into her pajama pants and started to rub herself. "You are so perfect," he said softly, before pulling his dick out of her mouth with a pop. He sank down to his knees and kissed her pouty lips. He was slightly grossed out by the vague taste of plastic. "I'm sorry it doesn't taste good," he whispered against her lips.
"It's okay," she smiled, pulling her fingers out of herself and letting him lick them clean before pulling her shirt off over her head and shimmying her pants down until she was naked. "It's not like I can really taste you, so it's fine." She stood and made her way to the bed, spreading her legs and playing with her breasts for a moment before sliding a hand down and two fingers into her dripping core with a groan, pumping until slick, wet sounds could be heard. "Didn't you say something about wanting to fuck me again? Or should I do it all myself?"
He pulled off his pants and boxers and sat at the foot of the bed. "Watching is pretty sexy," he replied as he nipped her thigh. "I think I want you on top of me, do you wanna be on top?" He said, looking at her from between her legs.
"I do like being the one on top," Santana teased, smirking down at him as she kept fucking herself, her free hand twisting a nipple almost painfully hard as she panted, working herself higher and higher. "How do you want me? Riding your dick or your face?"
"Whatever you'd prefer," he said as he replaced her hand on her breast with his mouth.
She gasped and arched into his mouth, "Y-you're gonna make it hard for me to be on top if you keep doing that." She had to pull her hand away from her core to keep herself from coming, breathing harshly before grabbing one of his hands and pressing it into her dripping core, "F-finish me like this and I'll ride your dick."
He nodded and slid two fingers inside his lover. He watched her face for instructions on how he was doing. He brought his lips back down to her breast, suckling as he kept a steady pace with his hands.
"Oh fuck," she hissed, bucking into his hand. Ever since that first encounter at the club where he'd jammed into her with two fingers before she knew what was happening, she'd want those slender digits to fuck her. Between his fingers fucking her and his lips sucking off her tit she had no chance at holding onto her orgasm. "Quinn!" His name burst from her lips in a strangled whisper as she fell into her orgasm, bucking against him, her walls clenching hard around his fingers as if trying to milk every last drop of imaginary seed from them.
He smiled and slid up next to her. "So beautiful," he whispered, his ear resting over her heart so he could listen to its quick beat. "I like that. Being able to feel you."
"Me too," she murmured, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and cuddling as her body tried to come to grips with the force of the climax he just gave her. "Don't be mad, but... your fingers are better than your cock sometimes. They're not as big and I don't stretch as much, but they're... you. You know? They're really you. You can feel me..."
"I know," Quinn said softly as he listened to her heart. "I'll use them more if you want... I don't wanna make you unhappy because I wanna use something that's not really mine you know?"
"But I'm not unhappy," Santana tried to explain, "I really enjoy being with you like that. Because...it's you and maybe Britt can be kinda nuts sometimes, but I guess she was right that it's better with feelings. I just," she blushed slightly, glancing away, "I wish it... tasted like you. It wouldn't be so weird if it did."
"That'd be cool." He smiled, "Maybe... when I get more comfortable... I can put some of the wetness that happens on it?" He suggested, "If you want I could do that." He pulled the blanket around their bodies and snuggled into her. "It's really better with feelings."
"Wetness...?" San's brows furrowed for a moment before she figured out what he had to be referring to and smiled with uncertain happiness, "I get you," she shook her head, clearing her thoughts and trying a different tack, "I turn you on?"
"Of course you turn me on." Quinn said with a confused smile. "You turn me on so much, I just... that's a part of me I don't like and I don't know what to do with it so I just ignore it." He shrugged, "But trust me. Really turned on."
"I didn't know," Santana whispered almost shyly, looking down at where her hand was playing with the blanket over his hip. "I just... I can't tell, you know? And it's so weird that I can't tell because that was one thing I thought I was good at that wasn't cheerleading or singing or just being a badass. But... knowing who I turned on."
"I think me coming up behind you and telling you I wanna fuck you makes it pretty obvious." He smiled as he pressed a kiss to the corner of Santana's mouth. "But, maybe we could figure out a way okay? If I take off the binder maybe... or I don't know."
Santana rolled her eyes. "I've had Karofsky come up behind me and tell me he wants to fuck me, Quinn. And he's queerer than a three dollar bill if you hadn't got the memo." She shrugged, cuddling into him. "I don't know. I don't want you to be uncomfortable or anything." I don't want you to stop wanting me remained unsaid.
"Really? Dave's gay?" Quinn asked, "Wow, is everyone at our school kinda queer? You, Brittany, Sam, Blaine, Kurt, Dave... I'm a girl whose a dude." He laughed softly, "Crazy."
"Sam?" Santana's eye twitched slightly. "You're kidding right? Dude, I made out with a gay man? Oh geez. I thought... am I that bad at telling when someone's into me?"
"He's bi," Quinn said. "He's been helping me with all of this." he motioned to his body, "Understanding, coming to terms...manning me up." He laughed, "Blaine too... You can't tell anyone but they've been seeing each other for nearly a year. That's why he and I date in public so he can keep his rep, I can keep mine and we protect each other."
"Well, I kinda figured he was like your big not-so-gay beard with the whole you're a guy thing, but I didn't realize he brought his own helping of gay." Santana laughed softly, "Damn, Glee's more incestuous than I thought. But wait, what about Mercedes and him? Didn't they..." she trailed off making an odd gesture with her hand.
"I mean yeah," Quinn nodded, running her fingers over the girl's skin. "But he really loves Blaine... and Blaine can't be with him openly because of Kurt and his annoyingness. Imagine if Mercedes and Kurt find out, woman, shit would hit the fan." He laughed softly, "But yeah. It's a bit screwed up but we're not the only secret relationship going on."
"Okay," Santana nodded, then bit her lip, "Do they like... know? About... us? I mean, that we're together and stuff? They're cool with it, right? I mean, they're your friends and this feels totally stupid and sappy but I don't want them to be not cool..."
"I mean... Sam loves you, you know that." He smiled and kissed her, "He thinks your great and he likes knowing he dated both of us which keeps him occupied." He ran his hand over to her stomach. "Blaine is cautious... he's very scared of me getting hurt and he honestly doesn't know you. We should change that, okay?"
"Change it?" Santana looked equal parts nervous and worried, "Change how? I can't go being super buddies at school, it's just... not my style."
"I mean don't change anything about you because I like you the way you are," He said softly, "but maybe we could all chill sometime? like I don't know... just hang out." He shrugged, "But if you don't want to it's cool too."
Santana thought about it for a moment, worrying at her lip. "Okay," she finally agreed, "We can try but if it gets weird, I'm bailing."
Outside, Brittany had seen enough. Or maybe far too much. She wiped the tears trickling down her cheeks away and stuffed the disposable camera back into her fanny pack before climbing down the tree.
Santana ruined everything. No. Quinn had by corrupting her Santana.
And she had to be punished.
A week later, Brittany picked up her film from the drugstore buying a card, a sharpie, and a big manila mailing envelope along with the pictures. It cost her lunch money for the week, but it was worth it. Carefully writing Russel Fabray in block print - and unintentionally misspelling his first name the way she always did by leaving off the second "L" - with the sharpie on the envelope, she slid the photos inside along with blue card with the awesome stork on it.
After sealing it up, she rode her bike over to the Fabray's house getting there just before the time she'd noticed Russell coming home for the last week and sliding the envelope into the mailbox for him to get with everything else. Riding away as she heard the distinctive sound of his diesel SUV coming around the turn, she waved at him as he passed with a friendly smile. She'd always liked how nice and friendly he was and never had understood why Santana was always unhappy with him.
Pausing at the corner, she smiled cheerfully as she saw him pull the envelope out of the mailbox before heading inside.