Dare to be Aware - Chapter Six
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 23,127
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 6
Quinn walked out of the showers with a towel tied low on her hips and another towel draped over her neck covering her breasts. Her new shorter hair was pushed back in an elastic headband that made her look like a post game soccer player, rather than a cheerleader. Her abs were on display as she walked over to the corner where Brittany and Santana and her own lockers resided. She flipped the lock and looked at the other girls getting dressed for a moment before busying herself in her locker.
"Good practice, guys," she said as she grabbed a clean pair of boyshorts and slipped them up under her towel.
"Thanks, Q. You were a total double rainbow today too." Brittany smiled at Quinn before turning back to her locker only to notice a set of bruises like handprints on Santana's hips as the smaller girl pulled off her towel to toss it into the locker. "Oh wow, San, did you get sexy times this weekend too?" She sounded cheerful as she clapped her hands, "That's so awesome!"
Santana smirked slightly, "Mmm yeah, found me a cute guy at the club and broke in the backseat in Dad's Escalade on Saturday." She stepped into her panties, wincing slightly as her still sore core stretched, "Was big and rough. You'd have liked him."
Quinn looked shocked for a second, as she glanced over, realizing the bruises he'd left when he fucked her were still visible. When Santana turned around she had a hand print on her ass so close to her hip it was almost on her thigh. "Wow, Lopez," she snapped, trying to hide her nervous gulp, "abuse much?" She took off her lower towel, but kept the one covering her breasts as she refused to put on a dress until she had to.
"A boy?" Brittany asked confusedly as she wiggled into a pair of shorts, "I thought you were capital-G Gay now?"
"I am, but it's weird when girls give it to you rough, you know, B?" Santana shrugged, wiggling into a pair of tight jeans, wincing slightly as the rough denim pressed against her aching core. "The ones that like to are way too into kinky shit. At least a guy just bangs hard and goes on his way and this dude even wore a condom, how slick is that?"
"Santana, please tell me you make all your conquests use a rubber!" Quinn exclaimed, grossed out that she might have shared Santana with god knows how many other people, "I don't really need my second in command coming down with herpes." Quinn said as she pulled her dress over her head forgoing a bra. "You gotta take care of yourself, Lima is full of creepers."
"Of course I do," Santana glanced over her shoulder at Quinn with a sneer, trying to hide the quick glance over the other girl's body before she covered it with the dress, "don't be stupid. But this guy didn't even have to be told. It was," she shrugged, an confused little smile quirking the corner of her lips, "kind of sweet actually. I didn't have to fight him for it or anything."
"Sounds like Sanny has a crush." Brittany clapped as she finished getting changed, "Yay! We can double date with Artie and Quinn and Sam!"
"No!" Quinn shot at the blonde, "No double dates."
"Jesus, who pissed in your cereal, Q?" Santana asked with a confused glance, pulling her tight tanktop on over her sports bra. "I don't have a crush or whatever. He was just a good fuck. It was fun but I don't date guys. You know that, B."
"I know... Sex isn't dating." Brittany pouted as she brushed her hair. "But why can't we double date, Quinn?"
"Cause," Quinn stated, fixing her hair, "Sam and I like our alone time."
"Oh God," Santana rolled her eyes, leaning back against the locker and folding her arms over her chest, "Please tell me you and Trouty Mouth aren't doing the nasty. We do not need any more Aryan babies in this town. It's already white enough as it is."
"I'm the president of the celibacy club, Santana." Quinn replied, feeling awkward since in the span of a week she had been intimate with two girls, first Kelly, then loosing her virginity to Santana.
"Uh-huh, and you do recall that Britt-Britt and I were in that club too, right?" Santana smirked, looking Quinn over, "It's too bad you're all over Guppy Lips or B and I could take you out some time."
Brittany clapped, "Ooh, if we do can Artie come? We could totally double date like that!" she looked at Quinn with a big grin ignoring the incredulous glare from Santana.
"No," Quinn said simply as she finished her hair and decided against any make up. "I'm not interested in going to some club with you, Britt and Artie," she growled before grabbing her bag. "Come on we have Glee."
"Of course you're not," Santana muttered, her face falling for a split second at being reminded again that Quinn had no interest in her, but the expression was quickly replaced with her typical annoyed indifference. "Whatever, Q. Your loss," she snapped, grabbing her bag and Brittany's before heading out after her captain, Brittany following just behind.
Quinn walked into the choir room and slipped into the chair next to Sam and Blaine. She leaned against her pseudo-boyfriend and sighed. "I made a mistake," she whispered and closed her eyes as she heard Mr. Schuester talking.
He glanced over to where Blaine was watching them worriedly and slid an arm around her shoulders. "We'll talk after Glee," he whispered into her ear, hugging her close.
When you didn't want to be there, Glee always seemed to drag on the longest. But finally Mr Schue told them he'd see them next time and let them leave for the day. Sam grabbed up Quinn's bag before she could protest and gave a little nod to Blaine before escorting her out to his car. Maybe five minutes after they'd gotten into the car, Blaine showed up and slid in.
"Okay, what's going on, Q? You look like you just got told you're getting married or something." He looked back at her and Sam in the backseat before starting the car and pulling out to drive home.
"Ugh..." Quinn ran her hand through her hair. "Santana is being a bitch... did you know she was fucking Kelly?" She asked as she looked at Blaine.
"Heard a rumor that she was but it's really true?" he asked, glancing back at them as he drove.
"What's up with you and Kelly anyway?" Sam asked, rubbing her shoulders. "You vanished on us but didn't seem all that pleased with yourself when you came back."
"We kinda hooked up, then I realized I was the second person she fooled around with that night." She sighed, "Not like she wants anything more than just someone to grope her for a bit..." Quinn looked out the window, "Why does Santana need to fuck everything up? Does she always have to take what I want?"
Sam looked confused, "You want Brittany?"
"No, he wants Kelly," Blaine rolled his eyes. "She's really kind of a slut, Quinn. You could do a lot better than her."
"Yeah well..." Quinn sighed, getting out of the car once they got to Blaine's. "I don't really care if she's a slut. She's a slut that doesn't care if I have to strap on a unit to feel whole."
"Wow," Blaine muttered heading up to unlock the door and let them in.
"Geez, Quinn. Don't be so bitter," Sam shrugged, grabbing their bags. "There's lots of chicks who wouldn't care about that. Hell, there's like natural dudes who don't have their junk any more and have to use a strappy or a prosthetic or something."
"Santana's just fucking crazy," Quinn said as she headed up to Blaine's room, quickly grabbing her dress and pulling it over her head and crouching down to grab her bag with her clothing inside it. "She's crazy, and goes after things just because she can't get someone to love her."
"Okay, hold up," Sam muttered coming in and quickly looking away with a faint blush, pulling his smirking boyfriend down on his lap. "Why does Santana keep coming up anyway? I mean, she's hot and a little nuts, but you're kinda stuck."
Quinn pulled on a pair of loose jeans and pulled on his compression tank and a Foo Fighters T-shirt. "Because, she cornered me at the club and said really bad things and pushed me too far," he said before putting his hair in a low ponytail.
Blaine looked at him worriedly, "You didn't hit her, did you? What do you mean by too far..."
"Not really..." Quinn said as he flopped onto the bed and covered his face. "I fucked her and now she's covered in bruises and talking about the guy she fucked in her car... She freaking jumped me while I was at the bar because I was with Kelly."
Blaine's eyes widened noticeably and Sam let out a low whistle. "You and Satan's daughter? And she's bragging about it? Damn, Q!" The blond boy grinned widely, "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
"Sam, shut up," Blaine muttered. "Quinn, are you okay?"
"What do you mean is he okay? He lost his v-card giving the hottest chick in our school the ride of her life! He's a freaking rockstar, man!"
Quinn just groaned and rolled over onto her stomach, "You don't get it," he sighed, "I... she doesn't know it's me and she fucking kept talking about me during sex. She's so fucked up, guys." Quinn almost felt bad, "She's so lost and goes and fucks random people every weekend... She used to be my friend you know?"
"So... what?" Sam looked confused again, "She's got some kind of crush on you or something?"
"Do you feel bad about what happened then?" Blaine asked softly getting off of Sam and coming over to put a hand on Quinn's shoulder.
"Yeah... I mean, I shouldn't have had sex with her... she was really drunk and she kept taunting me. She kept saying I wasn't man enough..." Quinn looked away ashamed of himself. "I'm just, like... She has bruises now and I know she asked for me to go harder but... I don't want to hurt her."
"Q," Blaine murmured softly, "do you...like her?" He looked concerned and even Sam looked a bit worried.
"It's cool if you do, man," Sam added, "but she's kinda a lesbian and that's...gonna get awkward."
"I don't like her," Quinn snapped. "I just feel bad for her, and whatever." He defended himself, "I just, like... she's fucking herself up... I don't even know why when she's got like the perfect life."
Sam shrugged. "Maybe she's lonely," he shrugged again when Blaine shot him a confused look, "I mean, I don't think she's got a lot of friends. You stopped hanging out with her sophomore year and Brittany's all wrapped up with Artie lately. She's kinda like Rachel that way but...less slushies and she's not dating anyone and...okay, so maybe Rachel's got more friends than her."
Quinn sighed, "She doesn't let anyone be friends with her... she pushes everyone away. She pushed me away." He rolled over and looked at the boys, "I just.. I thought my first time would mean something."
"It usually doesn't," Blaine pointed out with a shrug. "It'll mean something when you want it to though," he added with a smile at Sam.
"And, it could be worse," Sam added with a shrug, "I mean, at least you weren't bad and couldn't come early."
"She kept talking about Finn blowing his load," Quinn scrunched up his face, "but it's a perk of the pack... always hard." he said, "It's just, like... ugh... why is she so frustrating and mean?"
"I don't know. I thought she liked you," Sam shrugged. "She's always watching you and stuff. If she was a gay guy, I'd say she was into you, but girls are weird."
"Even if she liked me... it wouldn't matter." Quinn said, "Because she's a lesbian and I'm not." He sighed, covering his eyes again, "God, why can't anything be easy."
"Because then it wouldn't be interesting or worth doing," Blaine pointed out with a smirk. "Okay, off of our classmate's strange behaviors and back to your other near conquest, shall we?"
"Totally," Sam grinned, sitting cross-legged on the bed and getting comfortable, "I want to know if you wanna hook up with Kelly again."
"I mean.. Yeah. She's hot." Quinn replied as he sat up, "Her body is crazy hot and she knows what she's doing and is cool with me being me."
"So, gossip time," Blaine leaned forward slightly with a smile, "what'd you two do when you disappeared?"
"I thought being a boy got me out of girltalk?" Quinn asked with a laugh.
Sam nearly fell off the bed laughing at Blaine's shocked expression. Finally, the boy composed himself - ignoring his boyfriend rolling around on the other side of Quinn. "Quinn, I'm gay. I may not be as bad as my ex, but I still like juicy tidbits from my best friends now and then. And Kelly might be a slut, but she's your first foray into manhood. So weird as it is to be discussing heterosexual hookups, I want to know."
"She's teaching me how to be a man in ways you can't." He smiled as he looked down at his hands, "We just kissed some more like we did at the store... and stuff like that. She wouldn't let me take off any of her clothing so we just kissed until I got her off."
"Dude, you got her off? And just by kissing?" Sam had stopped laughing, but remained sprawled on the bed as he grinned lopsidedly up at Quinn, "What'd you do? Cause I've never gotten a girl off at all, let alone with just kissing."
"And you'd better not be trying any more either," Blaine scolded with a smirk.
"I don't even know, man... like we were kissing and then I touched her boobs some and then she came when I was pressed against her." Quinn explained, "Santana, like I was pounding her hard and she was angry so I got how she was able to come. It was kinda crazy."
Sam sat put and slung an arm over Quinn's shoulders, "Obviously, this calls for a repeat experiment. Find Kelly and like...spend a night giving it to her." He smirked, "Come on, man, you know you can do her so she'll be walking funny the next day." He winked, ignoring Blaine's disgusted expression.
"Alright..." Quinn said awkwardly, not really sure if he should listen to Sam. Being that rough made him feel weird. Maybe it was just being with Santana.. or maybe it was that he didn't like the idea of being violent with women after growing up with his father.
"Quinn, just because Santana liked it one way doesn't mean all women do," Blaine offered, glaring at Sam who just shrugged. "Much as I don't need the imagery, you did say you got Kelly off with barely anything. She's open to experimenting I've heard so as long as you do things safe..."
Quinn groaned and flopped back, "Can we stop talking about girls that I'm fucking and do something else?" He asked needing this conversation to end. "Did you see how evil Kurt was looking at you two today in physics?"
"Kurt always glares at me," Blaine shrugged. "He doesn't like that I was his first but his crazy, controlling ass made me dump him."
Sam just laid back on the bed and folded his hands behind his head. "I'm just glad we're graduating in a few more months and getting away from his crazy ass."
"Hopefully he actually gets into that fancy school he keeps bragging about." Quinn remarked, "Because he might not get in since he's only really done Glee and quit everything else like Cheerios and student council."
"As long as he doesn't go where I'm going I'm happy." Blaine held out his hands and shrugged, "He's set on going to New York with Rachel so maybe he'll go even if he doesn't get in."
"As long as they're gone I'm happy." Quinn said, "Oh, by the way my dad is out on a new vendetta against the Berrys..." Quinn sighed, "Also, he thinks Sam and I are having sex."
"Seriously?" Sam asked glancing over at him with a laugh. "At least he knows you have good taste."
"Sam, I love you but shut up," Blaine looked slightly pale, "I really don't want to think about you and Quinn having sex ever. What's his problem with the Berrys now? I thought you and Rachel had hammered out whatever issues you two were having."
"They're gay? My dad's a bigot?" He shrugged, "But whatever as long as he thinks I'm in Glee to keep Sam company and not hanging out with her I'm safe." He smiled sadly, "Thank you again, guys, for helping me keep this hidden."
"You're our friend, Quinn. It's what friends do," Blaine smiled.
"And you're kind of protecting us too," Sam added. "It would not be pretty if everyone found out about us while Kurt's still hung up on Blaine."
"You two are so cute, though." Quinn smiled, "I hope to find someone to be with like you someday." he said softly.
"You will," Blaine smiled at him, "not a chance that you won't. I just hope you don't find a Kurt to go along with it."
"well Kurt's crazy." Quinn smiled before glancing over at the time. "Ugh, I don't wanna go home," he complained.
"Then don't," Sam smirked. "Your dad already thinks we're doing the deed so just stay over. I'll cover for you."
"I don't want to get you on his bad side." he sighed.
"What's the worst that can happen?" Sam asked with a shrug, "He makes me marry you? Okay. So say he does. We just get it annulled in a few months when we graduate and get out of here. Besides, it'd get annulled anyway when you do the paperwork to be a guy cause guys can't get married in this state."
"It's not worth it, Sam." Quinn sighed as he stood up and started changing back into his other clothing. "I can't do that to you, or your family." He started stripping and pulled his uniform back on and pulled his hair into a half ponytail. "It's not a good idea to piss him off right now."
"Quinn," Sam started sadly only to be cut off by his boyfriend coming over and hugging her.
"Only a few more months," Blaine murmured. "We just have to graduate and then we can get out of here."