I Know You Want Me - Chapter Twenty
Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 102,531
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm
Chapter 20
The smell of frying potatoes and vegetables filled the kitchen as Rachel worked by the stove, her knife snicking against the chopping board as she chopped up mushrooms to throw into the vegetable hash for a protein. Behind her in his playpen, AJ cooed and gurgled in a black onesie with a bright imprint of a Bob Marley album cover on the chest, idly batting at the hanging mobile she'd clipped to the side of the pen. Periodically, she glanced over at him to see if he was okay.
She was tired, barely getting enough sleep at night and during naps stolen through the day to function. If it wasn't for the fact that school didn't start for another two months and Santana helping as much as she could, she wasn't sure how she'd be able to cope. Hearing the sounds of her girlfriend moving about upstairs, she glanced at the ceiling and smiled, giving the pan of frying potatoes and veggies a stir as she tossed in the mushrooms.
After hopping out of the shower Santana dried off and slipped on a pair of boy's cargo shorts on - they were small but still hung baggily off her slim hips. She pulled on a black sports bra and went to the mirror to brush her hair. She pulled it into a ponytail and grabbed one of her t-shirts from the drawer before heading to the kitchen.
"Morning," Santana said as she came into the kitchen. She moved straight over to her son and leaned over the playpen. "Hi, mijo." She cooed as his little hands reached up for her. She smiled and scooped him up and rested him in her arms against her skin. "Hello, my precious boy, how are you today?"
AJ gurgled and reached for Santana's face, cooing happily at his mom. Rachel glanced over her shoulder with a wry grin. "Oh, so the baby gets attention first thing but not the girl slaving over a hot stove to feed you and your friends when they join us for breakfast, hmm?" She chuckled, turning back to her cooking, in a good mood for once, "All I get is a quick morning as she runs away. That's love these days."
Santana rolled her eyes and carried him over to Rachel and kissed the side of her neck. "Hi, babe." She smiled, "I already gave you your good morning kiss when I woke you up this morning with my head between your legs. That's love." She kissed the girl's neck again, "Unless you would have preferred other types of wake ups."
"Mmm," Rachel murmured with a smile, reaching back and pulling Santana into a kiss, "that was a delightful way to wake up, but have you ever known me to refuse a kiss from you? I'm making veggie hash but there's turkey bacon in the oven for my beautiful carnivore and her friends as well. AJ will be having his special as usual."
"Boob?" Santana said as she went to the fridge and grabbed the apple juice out and brought it to the table.
"No, dear, that would be your special," Rachel teased with a smirk, giving the food a toss. "What are your plans for today?"
She then grabbed plates and utensils and set everything up. "I think Puck's starting that job he found today and Quinn, fuck knows what she's doing." Santana exclaimed before flipping up the volume of the radio. "I need to go and finish painting the bar tonight though." She remarked as she began dancing around with Aaron to the classic rock on the radio.
"Why don't you take Quinn with you? Perhaps she could help? I'd come but I don't want AJ exposed to paint fumes so young. Come taste this?" She held up a little of the hash on a fork, "Do I have enough pepper in here? I was trying to make it spicy the way you like it but I'm not sure."
Santana moved over and opened her mouth, her lips wrapped around the fork and she pulled away. "Hmm.." She thought, "Needs paprika." She remarked as continued dancing around with her son singing to "American Woman."
Rachel nodded to the beat of the song as she tossed the fork into the sink and grabbed the jar of paprika from the rack in the cabinet, shaking some into the dish and giving it a stir. She loved hearing her girlfriend sing and it reminded her. "Oh! Did Andre let you know if he was going to be using you as a singer in the bar?" She danced over and kissed Santana's cheek, slipping her another taste of the hash, "How is it now?"
"Awesome." Santana said as she took the bite and readjusted the baby on her hip. "This baby is gonna be a rockstar." She said pressing a kiss to his soft curls. "Plus he's got a head of crazy hair and I loves it." She said with a smiled as she ran her fingers through it. "I'm gonna braid the shit out of this kid's mop when he gets bigger." She said proudly, obviously very excited her son took so strongly after her own ethnic make up.
"That's wonderful, dear," Rachel remarked, not entirely sure about the idea of her son in cornrows, but willing to concede the point for now, "but what about Andre and your demo?"
"Oh. I don't know. He's kinda lazy about that stuff so he probably hasn't even looked at the demo yet. I played guitar and the drums the other night so he knows I can play." she said with a shrug.
Rachel laughed, turning back to her cooking. "Well, he'd be crazy not to have you sing. He does realize that you're gorgeous and have an amazingly smoky voice, right? And with our genetics, you know our son's going to be an amazing musician if he chooses to be."
She shrugged, "Not like I'm going into music or anything in college like you." She said as she cuddled the boy close. "Oh I'm thinking about only doing part time so you can do full time at school in the fall. Aaron will be three months and I don't really wanna leave him in the daycare all day." Santana sighed and looked at the other woman.
Rachel turned off the stove before turning and smiling at her family. "Whatever you want to do, Santana, so long as you're not giving up on school." She came over and hugged both of them, kissing Santana's neck, "I love you both and I love hearing you sing. I want our son to have the chance to see his mom perform someday. With me it goes without saying," she smirked, not at all having given up on her own dreams of performing, "but with you it's even more special," her lips brushed teasingly over her lover's neck, "because it's not what you want to dedicate your life to, even if you are amazing at it."
"I don't really know what I want to do with my life." She shrugged and kissed Rachel's head. "He'll have many, many chances to see you perform." She smiled and watched AJ turn so he could look at both of his mothers, he snuggled into Santana's neck and cooed at Rachel. "I'll hopefully do something he can be proud of too."
"You're his mom, Santana," Rachel smiled at her, leaning up on her toes, one hand resting on Santana's chest over her heart. "That's something to be proud of right there. If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't even exist. But I want him to be able to see you perform. I want him to know what an amazing musician you are in your own right. I want him to know how talented you are, love." She smiled shyly at Santana, "I want him to see the Santana I wasn't sure was still there before you joined Glee. The amazing, beautiful woman who comes out the most when you're on stage singing your heart out."
"Yeah. Yeah." Santana smiled trying to hide her flattered blush, "I think we should stop flattering me and get to eating." She said as she pressed a kiss to Rachel's lips and pulled away, "But, I love that you believe in me."
"Of course, I do." Rachel laughed, turning to dish up the food as she heard the door from the basement apartment open up announcing the arrival of Puck and Quinn. "I love you and I know you can do anything you set your mind to."
"How about feeding hungry, hardworking Jews?" Puck asked with a laugh as he tromped into the kitchen in his work uniform, his mohawk slicked down. "You any good at that, Satan?"
"Noah Puckerman! Do not call my girlfriend that!" Rachel scolded, pointing at him with her serving spoon, "Especially not in front of our son. Honestly, are you trying to make the poor boy think he's the son of Satan already? And besides, the appellation is utterly absurd. Santana is a lovely and caring woman, hardly the Christian ruler of their mythical Hell."
Santana just shook her head as she smiled to Quinn when the blonde came to say hello to Aaron. "Say hi to Aunt Quinn," she said as she waved the boy's hand. He giggled and kicked his feet against Santana's abs.
"Hey, Aaron." Quinn smiled as she pressed a kiss to his head. "You being a pain in the butt still?" she asked looking up to Rachel. "You both look tired."
Rachel shrugged offering a tiny smile as she started carrying plates of hash to the table, "He's barely two months old. I believe it's in his job description to keep his parents up at all hours until they can't even think straight."
"Not that the two of you really think straight anyway," Puck joked, pulling open the oven Rachel had turned off only moments before him and Quinn had entered the kitchen and grabbing at the pan of bacon, "Ouch! Shit!"
"Noah, language!" Rachel scolded, "And I just finished cooking, what makes you think that pan is cool enough to grab with your bare hands. I know you're more intelligent than that. Use a pot holder."
Santana just laughed and put the baby down so she could slip on her shirt.
"Aww, man, did ya have to put it on, San? I was just starting to appreciate the decor," He waggled his brows at the girl with a leer only to get slapped upside the head by his girlfriend. "Ow! Hey, abuse!"
"You'll get a lot more if you don't cut that crap out, Puck." Quinn scowled, sitting down at the table, only to realize that the pan didn't hold some kind of weird vegan bread like she'd thought it would. "Oh my gosh. Rachel, is that bacon? Real bacon?"
Rachel raised a brow, checking on AJ out of habit before joining the others at the table, "Well, it's turkey bacon, but it is meat bacon, if that's what you mean. Santana, there's fresh coffee in the pot if you want it."
"Mmm. Coffee," Santana moaned with a smile, as she got up and grabbed a mug for herself. She carefully carried the baby and the mug back to the table and slid into her seat. "Thanks, Rach, this looks great." She remarked, keeping Aaron on her lap. "How's work going, Puck?"
Rachel smiled shyly, tucking into her food as Quinn grabbed a couple of pieces of bacon carefully and crumbled them happily into her hash. Puck just shrugged, shoving a forkful of hash into his mouth. "It's good. I mean, it ain't pool cleaning -"
"And it isn't going to be pool cleaning if you want to stay with me," Quinn broke in, shooting the boy a glare.
Puck just rolled his eyes, "It ain't pool cleaning, but it's work and hey, I'm good with my hands," he smirked, "if you know what I mean. OW!" He jumped, glaring across the table at his girlfriend who'd just kicked him.
Santana laughed hard when she saw Quinn abusing Puck. "That's my girl," she smirked as she ate carefully to avoid getting anything hot on the baby. "I'm so happy I don't get beat," she teased, glancing at Rachel with a smirk and continuing to eat as she watched them.
"I'm sure she'd beat you if you want," Puck mumbled as he begrudgingly ate. "I mean she does bite." This time it was Rachel's sharp toed Mary Jane that dug into his shin. "Ow! What the fuck! Is it Abuse Puck Day and I didn't get the fucking memo?!"
"Noah, I will tell you one more time. Do not swear around our son!" Rachel glared at him, leveling a fork in his direction. "I do not care if you're on fire, you don't swear around my child. And how dare you cast aspersions about my private life?!"
"Rae, he's kidding." Santana reached under the table and patted her thigh. "He's Puck, it's what he does." She shrugged and sipped her coffee.
"Truth, some days I don't know why I put up with him." Quinn smiled and ate as she looked over to her boyfriend. "He's harmless, but seriously, Puck, no more jokes about the fact she used to touch you, I'm not into puking."
Rachel blushed scarlet and dropped a hand to cover Santana's for a second. "I still don't like it. And he shouldn't discuss such things as if he knows. Which," she was quick to add, with another pointed glare at Puck, "he doesn't."
Puck started to protest for a moment, then changed his mind and just smirked. "Oh, but I've got a good idea now. Think I'll save that one," he nodded with a lecherous smirk, forking some more hash into his mouth.
"Perv." Santana shook her head and hugged her son. "Don't make me tell your girlfriend what kinda kinky stuff you like, Puck." She smirked a knowing look towards him which caused him to look down. "Good boy."
"Wait.. what kinda kinky... Santana..." Quinn looked at the girl with wonder, she knew they had been somewhat intimate in high school but never quite knowing the level.
"Well you see, Q..." She started which caused a loud cough from Puck. "Never mind."
Quinn looked suspiciously between the two before glancing over at Rachel who just widened her eyes innocently and shrugged. "I'm going to find out," she growled, her eyes narrowing as she regarded Santana and her boyfriend again. "You two are not good enough to keep stuff like this from me. I will find out."
"So, Quinn!" Rachel broke in brightly, "Were you going to go with Santana to work on Andre's bar today? He is still hiring, right, Santana?"
"Yep," she mumbled with her mouth full. "Coat check girl or waitress but Quinn ain't a people person." she smirked.
"Sweetheart," Rachel began with her most sugar coated smile, "you wouldn't be telling Andre stories so that Quinn won't steal your tips because the patrons were intimidated, would you?" She teased her girlfriend, reaching over and gently rubbing her thigh under the table to show she didn't mean anything by the comment. "You know all you have to do is smile and the men will fall all over themselves to give you tips."
"Like that's all they'll be falling over themselves to give her," Puck muttered, leaning back in his chair and crunching on a piece of bacon.
Rachel smiled at him, but it was more like the sort of glares Santana and Quinn would give people who annoyed them than a cheerful expression. "Noah, if anyone were so discourteous to attempt to bespeak my girlfriend's services which I like to believe I have sole claim to, I have been given assurances from Andre that that individual will be ejected from the premises. And if any were to linger to attempt once more after, well... I may reconsider my vow of non-violence in that individual's case."
"Shut it, Puckerman." Santana snapped and glared at him. "Quinn if you wanna leave these heathens to their own devices we gotta bounce at, like, ten." She said before pressing little kisses to her son's crown as he yawned.
"Sure you can drag yourself away from your boy in time?" Quinn asked with a smirk.
Rachel stood as she finished her breakfast and took her plate to the sink, grabbing the half-finished pan of bacon before Puck could grab more. "Stop being so grabby, Noah, and I can make BLTs for the lot of you for lunch. If you want, that is."
"Hell, yeah I want! Homemade BLTs are way better than like McDonald's." He grinned boyishly up at the young mother, "You, like, rock at this mother sh...stuff, Rach."
Rachel shot him a sharp look at the near slip and started toasting bread and pulling out lettuce and a tomato. "Quinn? Santana? Would you like sandwiches as well?"
"Nah." Santana called over her shoulder as she moved to change Aaron's diaper. "I'm watching my weight, plus the medications I have to take at lunch don't make me very hungry." she said softly and she pressed kisses to her son's stomach and worked on making him giggle.
"That'd be cool, Rachel." Quinn said as she watched Santana and moved to Rachel. "That baby made her soft."
"You have no need to watch your weight, Santana. You weigh less than I do, and if you make one ill-advised joke about my figure post giving birth to Aaron, there will be consequences, Noah." The boy held up his hands defensively and tried to look like it was the furthest thing from his kind. "And Aaron didn't make her soft, Quinn," Rachel replied, looking at her girlfriend and son with a fond smile, "he just gave her permission to show it. She's still the same tough girl who can intimidate even the biggest men into backing down with just a glare and a few well-placed threats."
Santana laughed softly and picked up her son and brought him to Rachel.
"That makes me wanna puke," Quinn remarked as she headed to go get ready to go to work with Santana. The darker girl moved closer to Rachel and bounced her sleepy son.
"You gonna be good for mommy today? Be a good boy and sleep and eat and poop? Mostly sleep?" She asked as she nuzzled his neck and inhaled his baby powder fresh smell. "Be my good boy."
"He's always good," Rachel responded, not at all repentant at distressing Quinn as she reached for their son. "Doesn't always let me sleep, but he's always good." She leaned up and kissed Santana softly, "Call me when the paint's dry or the room's at least aired out and I'll bring him down to visit his mom at work. I'd like to finally meet Andre in person."
"Hey, guys, don't stop kissing on my account," Puck teased, getting up and putting the rest of the dishes in the sink as he collected the paper sack Rachel had assembled for him. "Thanks for the food, Rach. I appreciate it," He gave her a hug and ruffled the boy's hair before grinning at Santana, "Take care of my girl and don't let no one like me mess with her, 'kay bro?"
Santana pulled back once she handed her son over and snarled at Puck. "If you ever... ever call me bro again..." she almost lashed out but she tried to pull back. "Just... please think about your words... I know. I know you don't mean it okay, it just.. it hurts me." She whispered softly before kissing Rae's cheek and heading up to change into work clothing.
Puck watched her walk away looking crest-fallen. "Aw, man... Rach, you gotta fix this please? I didn't mean to hurt her feelings or nothin'..."
"I know you didn't," Rachel sighed softly. "You've just got to watch what you call her. She doesn't like being called things like bro or dude, Noah."
"But I call you stuff like that all the time. It just means you're my friend and sh...stuff." He ran a hand over his mohawk, mussing it up slightly. "Man, I didn't mean that she's a guy or anything..."
Rachel shrugged, "It's different, Noah. Just...call her buddy or some other non-gender specific term. We all know she's your bro and you're hers, just don't call her bro. It'll be okay." She leaned up and kissed his cheek, "Have a good day at work and don't worry, I'll make sure it's okay."
Upstairs, Santana stripped her shirt off and grabbed the black tank top laid out on the bed with a sigh. She curled up and held onto her pillow as she calmed her breath. She was upset, but she knew he didn't mean to hurt her... but she had been feeling more and more out of whack with her body lately and she didn't know what to do.
Once Puck left, Rachel headed up to the bedroom with AJ nestled against her chest. When she saw her girlfriend curled up on the bed, she sighed softly and came in to sit behind her and gently stroke her back. "What's going on, Santana? Are you feeling alright?"
"Just tired like you," she mumbled into the pillow. She felt bad knowing that she felt like hell when Rachel most likely felt worse. She looked up and started sitting up. "I'm just tired and whatever. Puck's just being a idiot again and I didn't wanna deal with him."
"Santana, I've practically lived with you for close to a year now. I've seen you exhausted with AJ the first couple of weeks." Rachel looked worried, gently jostling AJ as he started fussing, "Are you sure everything's alright? You haven't been to therapy in almost two months and we haven't found you a doctor yet down here... maybe you should call your dad tonight?"
"Yeah. Maybe..." She sighed and blinked as she looked to Rachel and her son. She gently ran her fingers over his bare feet and closed her eyes. "I'm... I just don't feel good. Just kinda out of it and confused." She whispered and kept her eyes fixated on her child.
"Maybe your medications need adjusting. You know how sensitive they are. Call your dad tonight on Skype." She smiled at Santana, tired but willing to help support the woman she loved, "You can show him how big his grandson has gotten since he saw him last and see if he can suggest some good referrals to a local doctor. We're not in Lima any more, love. We can be us now."
"Okay." She said softly. "I... I just don't know why I feel like this. It's not fair to you when I'm depressed... when I feel like this." She rubbed her eyes and looked at Rachel. "He'll love to see the boy. He's so proud of him and us. I... I just don't wanna let him down by not being able to be anything more than I was in Lima."
"Well, one thing you don't have to do is hide anymore." Rachel smiled down at her, "No one needs to know where exactly Aaron came from unless you want to tell them and who cares if people speculate. I don't. And, Santana, we can be a family here. That's more than we could be in Lima already. Besides, you're going to find your passion and you're going to be amazing at it and Aaron and I are going to support you every step of the way."
"I know. You're right," she sighed and sat up. She rested against the back of the headboard and she looked at her hands. "I stopped taking my medications. That's why I'm feeling like this." Santana admitted as she looked at Rachel. "About two weeks ago, I felt like crap and I couldn't keep up with the baby and not let you get overwhelmed... I just stopped so.. I'm feeling all out of whack."
"Santana," Rachel chided, sighing worriedly, "you know that your medications keeps you balanced so you can be who you really are. I'm sorry I made you feel like you needed to stop taking them. Talk to your dad and we can work on getting you back to being you, okay?" She leaned in and kissed Santana gently, only to stop when AJ started fussing more noisily, pawing and gumming at her breast through her top. "I think someone is hungry."
She glanced up at the clock then smiled shyly, "Do you think maybe you'd like to help me feed him?"
"Plus I ran out of the medication and kept forgetting," Santana added, not wanting Rachel to think it was all her fault she stopped taking her medications. She watched and looked confused when Rachel asked her to help. "I don't understand, how do I help?"
Rachel smiled shyly and worried her lip, "I'm not entirely certain, but maybe hold me and help me hold him? It's not quite the same, but...I want to try to share it with you."
"Okay." She said as she motioned for Rachel to sit in-between her legs. Once she moved, she rested her chin on Rachel's shoulder so she could watch.
"Help me with my shirt?" Rachel whispered, fumbling at the buttons of a dress shirt of Santana's she'd swiped that morning with one hand while trying to keep AJ from crying with the other. "Just, I don't really know, treat me as an extension of yourself? This doesn't make much sense, does it?" She blushed, feeling silly for offering.
Santana nodded and undid the dress shirt and wrapped her arms around Rachel's to hold their son. She watched as Aaron's head roll around and she smiled when he latched on. "Does... it feel weird when he does that?" She asked as she rested her head so she could watch.
"Weird?" Rachel thought about it for a moment, "No, I don't think so. It feels...almost relieving, actually. There's usually quite a bit of milk built up before he gets hungry and it kind of hurts if I don't feed him. Then when I do," she smiled down at their son with his tiny hands gripping her breast, "it feels good. It's...relaxing almost."
"Cool." Santana remarked as she watched her fingers playing with his hair. "I do love you, Rachel... even if I'm confused and depressed... I still love you."
"And I love you," Rachel turned her head and kissed her lover, "just as I did when I was really depressed and still do now that I'm slowly getting the hang of managing it again. I don't doubt you love me or our son, Santana. You just have to take care of yourself too. You do such an amazing job taking care of us that I think you forget about yourself sometimes."
"I know that's why it sucks that I'm feeling like this. I wanna be better for you and Aaron. I don't really care about taking care of me, I wanna take care of you two, that's my job now."
"Santana, look at me," Rachel moved so she could catch Santana's eyes with hers. "What I need, what AJ needs, from you is for you to take care of yourself. We need you to eat and sleep. We need you to be able to go out with Quinn and or Noah some nights and enjoy yourself. But most of all we need you to not burn yourself out taking care of us and ignoring yourself. I'm scared something will happen to you because you're too run down trying to be everything for Aaron and me. I'm part of this family too. I'm strong enough to help with taking care of our family if you'll just believe in me..."
"I do believe in you. That goes without saying, Rachel." She said sternly, "I just... I just don't know how to do both things, I was so obsessed with what to do when I got the surgery that I never planned the after part. Or planned for not getting it. So, now life happened in a big way and I'm trying to handle it for us but sometimes it's hard and I don't wanna focus on other things like my health or therapy or whatever. It doesn't matter as much to me as finding a job was or whatever."
"And now you have a job with a good boss and Aaron's here and we have a home and are settled in with Quinn and Noah just downstairs if we ever need them." Rachel pointed out patiently, "So you can take the time you need to relax and take care of yourself. Because our little boy needs his mom to be healthy, Santana. And I need you to be okay too so I can be okay."
"I know." Santana replied, "I'll be better I promise." she said as she kissed Rachel's temple. "I'll be better."