Things have been nut bags again and I really put the kids down, entirely, for the first time about an hour ago and Seamus is still making noises from his swing but he doesn't seem upset. Just chatty
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Sounds like we are in semi-similar situations. I tracked my dad down when I was 19, and I think it was three years after that that he finally decided to actually meet me. We've seen him three more times throughout the years, for a few hours each time. He's just not interested. And I'm an adult, so I just take it with resignation. But to make my kids feel like their grandpa doesn't give a shit about them? THAT gets to me.
The last time I physically saw my Dad was sometime around 17/18. I think I've spoken to him a few times but have had no contact with him since I was 21 and he promised to come to my wedding and didn't.
I am mostly 75% resigned over the fact that he doesn't want contact, but when I reeeeeally think about it I get really sad. Especially since having the kidlets his sister has come to visit as has his nieces/my cousins, yet nothing from him. It's so, so fucked up.
The only thing I have to make me feel a little better is that I think time just seems to pass him by. Like years will pass and he will think it's only been months. So the rejection isn't exactly conscious. Do you think your dad might be like that? Maybe he still thinks of you as so young, as if hardly any time has passed. But still. That's hardly an excuse, just a way to feel not so hurt.
No. I'm pretty sure it's not. I think if anything he thinks he's not wanted, AND NOW he's not. But from 7-21 I really wanted him around. A part of me wouldn't be against him being around now IF HE CHOSE TO BE AROUND. He just doesn't want to be here and I don't see a point in driving to Louisiana. He's the only thing in that God forsaken state aside from beignets, the LSU tiger, and coffee. By I don't see a point I mean, okay, we go, we have a nice visit, we leave and then we maintain no contact until I go to Louisiana to hunt him down again in a few years? Why?
Well I guess my Grandfather but I haven't seen him since I was 13?
I waver between telling them he's dead or that I was spawned by magic. However, I don't trust my Mother to not talk about my father.
And, once they're old enough, they'll figure out I'm not actually Jesus (divine conception). So I don't know what to say then, other than we can drive to Louisiana, I'll eat beignets, and you guys do what you want to do.
My mom's father was abusive and probably mentally ill. My mom was, in fact, afraid of him. As a result, I could probably count the number of times I've seen him between my birth and his stroke (which happened when I was 21) on the fingers of one hand, and he was only an hour's drive away from us. After his stroke, we periodically visited him in his nursing home until he eventually passed away. My mom was not even comfortable being alone with him in the nursing home, or even on his death bed for that matter. Knowing the history, I'm glad I did not get to know my grandfather better, and I'm glad I was shielded from him.
I don't know your exact situation, but you will have to make the decision whether your children get to know your father. If he really is that much of a piece of shit, then you're better off keeping your kids away from him. When they are adults, they will understand.
And if your mom brings it up, then it's on her. Let her deal with it.
For the record, my mom always told me that her father used to beat her. It didn't really sink in until I was older, but she was always up-front and honest about it.
Like I told stucking_foned my Dad isn't technically a bad guy. If he HAD beat us or was really, really mean that'd be one thing. He's not.
He's just NOT HERE by HIS CHOICE. And I have never been able to justify going to him to see him because I always do and he never did when I was a kid. It was like Louisiana was > us.
I don't have any advice regarding what/when/how to deal with this with your kids, but in regard to your own feelings, I was reminded of this talk I listened to a while back by Michael Wilcox, which has always stuck with me. Before this clip, he explains that his dad left when he was a baby and his mom raised him and his sisters by herself and they had very little contact. You can take or leave the spiritual part of his account, according to your personal beliefs, but I think what he learns is applicable/valuable to anyone in a similar situation. This is just a short clip -- less than five minutes:
my dad died three years ago, and dave doesnt have a dad either, so the role of grandpa is being played by my uncle. when she gets older and starts figuring it all out, we'll explain how i have/had two dads and dave had a grandpa. i know its not the same thing, but i guess i'm saying it because dont feel like you HAVE to have a biological grandfather in the picture somehow. if youre relationship with your dad is that bad, i would say fuck it. if he wants to see the kids let him make the first effort. otherwise, i wouldnt put my kids through it.
I left his wanting to see anyone up to him and 8 years later he's obviously jumped at that chance. Wait, no he hasn't. So I'm not worried about him showing up. That's a non-issue. And Mike has a step-dad who is an awesome Grandpa. Mike just likes to pick at me sometimes about how I don't have a Grandpa for the kids and like I said he made a joke about taking a road trip and it finally became, wait, are you serious? Because I don't know if I want to see my Dad
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you have every right to feel that way. maybe if you happen to be in the area..... as in dont make going to see him the sole purpose of the trip, so if it ends up going shitty its not a shitty trip. just a eh.. go figure and then you and mike and the babies go chill out wherever it is. you know what i mean?
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I am mostly 75% resigned over the fact that he doesn't want contact, but when I reeeeeally think about it I get really sad. Especially since having the kidlets his sister has come to visit as has his nieces/my cousins, yet nothing from him. It's so, so fucked up.
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Well I guess my Grandfather but I haven't seen him since I was 13?
Ugh. Family. So weird.
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If I spawn, and they ask about their Grandpa, I'd probably just say something age appropriate about that we don't have him or need him.
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And, once they're old enough, they'll figure out I'm not actually Jesus (divine conception). So I don't know what to say then, other than we can drive to Louisiana, I'll eat beignets, and you guys do what you want to do.
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I don't know your exact situation, but you will have to make the decision whether your children get to know your father. If he really is that much of a piece of shit, then you're better off keeping your kids away from him. When they are adults, they will understand.
And if your mom brings it up, then it's on her. Let her deal with it.
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He's just NOT HERE by HIS CHOICE. And I have never been able to justify going to him to see him because I always do and he never did when I was a kid. It was like Louisiana was > us.
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https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0BxUT_jAJXYMVMWUzZDEzMWQtMzE3My00MjUwLWExMGItN2FkNjI3OGQ0Y2Y0&sort=name&layout=list&num=50
Apologies if you totally hate this, just seemed relevant and the story really resonated with me, especially now that I'm a parent.
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But it definitely says a lot about the things I've been thinking about.
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