On Disability and Illness and Things People Say

[thegrandepoobah]

The following is basically a rant, feel free to ignore if you'd like.

Got linked to an interesting journal entry today. For those who haven't seen it, it's on the topic of "Tell me what I can do to help"/"If there's anything I can do, just let me know" and how difficult/annoying they can be. If you're so inclined, go, read it, it's worthwhile.

Comments

[lelola]

I know what you're getting at, as I see this all the time too. It throws me off for the same reasons it seems to bothers you (I also stick with the "hope for the best" kind of responses), but I don't tend to mind the "everything will be ok" kinds of comments as much. I think some part of me looks at the intent rather than the literal meaning. I tend to read the "everything will be ok" comments as a mixture of "I don't know what to say"/"I want you to know I care"/"I'm trying to be comforting" rather than as insulting. (Sometimes -- rarely, but sometimes -- I read them as "things may be shitty for awhile and then get even shittier, but eventually, things will be alright and you need to believe that to get through this". But that might just be me reading hope in what are often hopeless situations.)

[thegrandepoobah]

Perhaps insulting is the wrong word. I know they're a well-meaning attempt at support. I think that 'ignorant and presumptive' is more what I was going for.

Glad to hear it's not just me.

[ophelia_begins]

i agree with ignorant and pesumptive. I think saying "i don't know what to say" is probably the most honest thing you can say. Also instead of "how can i help?" i like to say "call me if you need someone to talk to" as that much is something i can do, or i ask if they need anything, like a book or a magazine etc. realistic. tangible. real.

i can't give out hope. i can't give out miracles...so i don't offer any, nor any guarantees.

[eleryth]

I'm guilty of the "let me know if I can help/let me know if there's anything I can do" line. I remember reading it in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book somewhere; someone used it instead of saying "what's wrong?" when someone looks upset or whatever, because that's not my business. But if there is something I can do, then it IS my business. And I can do whatever without needing to know what the problem is, which is the beauty of it

[thegrandepoobah]

Even when help is offered, some people will have a hard time asking for something. Still, unless I know you really well, or can read minds, an offer is the best I can do, most of the time.

That Chicken Soup for the Soul thing is interesting, though I think there's merit to asking "what's wrong?" as well. Even if it isn't strictly your business, some people don't actively hide their problems, are open about them even, but won't broadcast them either. Sometimes all you'd need to do is ask.

[eleryth]

If it's someone I know well, I'll ask what's wrong, as they're more likely to tell me anyway due to established friendship. I think I've also said, "is everything OK?"

[thegrandepoobah]

I wasn't thinking of things where it's known that something is going to be fatal, or after a death, but things that are serious. Sometimes things where even a best case outcome is not anything near 'fine'. It just seems that one of the default responses people have is, to me, worded poorly. It irks me every time I see it.

[stillvisions]

I think the idea of "everything will be okay" is a lot more about the person who is being comforted than the health of the person in question. Quite simply put, nothing will be okay in the long run because everyone's going to die at some point. But, everything will be okay, in time, for the person to whom you're offering comfort because even with someone's passing, things will return to some sort of normalcy in time. Maybe it's not exactly the most global of statements, but it is true for the person you're speaking to. Death will happen, and it sucks donkey balls, but in time we deal, and it will be okay.

[thegrandepoobah]

I tend not to think of it that way, at least not in the sort of cases I'm thinking of. I think I've seen times when it was used more in this manner, and that didn't bother me. Perhaps I'll try to think of it more in these terms in the future.

[ophelia_begins]

being often the one in the hospital i totally agree, it will NOT BE OKAY and in fact i take great strides to often triviliaze or make fun of my condition simply due to the fact that if one more person tells me how bright my future will be i will simply scream

[thegrandepoobah]

That's okay. I think when it comes to medical matters a great deal of the time you and I are preaching to the choir by ranting to one another. Sometimes that can be helpful though.