The Wizard of PROZ
Title: The Wizard of Proz (The Wizard of PROZ chap 7 @FF.NET)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kutner/Thirteen, House/Wilson, Wilson/Amber
Genre: Parody/Adventure
Warnings: Language, sexual references, spoilers up to Living The Dream, but disregarding the finale (House's Head/Wilson's Heart)
Summary: An accident causes Thirteen to sustain a nasty concussion, and a second impact leaves her totally unconscious. While unconscious she's taken to a strange world called Princeton-South-of-Oz, where she's given the Ruby Thong, and a mission; get it to House! But will the Wicked Witches stop her?
Notes: If you like our story, let us know! Friend our journal for access to quick updates, and updates-about-updates. New chapters are posted every Sunday.
Previous Chapters: PROLOGUE CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX
"So, we just deliver the letter and get out of there, right?" Kutner asked for what seemed like the billionth time.
Thirteen didn't even bother rolling her eyes that time, seemed far too redundant at this point. "Amber's not going to kill us. We just have to give her the letter from Wilson, and then we can go."
"But what if she gets angry?" Kutner asked. "And kills us?"
"I'm going to kill you if you don't shut up." Thirteen glared at Kutner. "We're just delivering a letter. We're not going to break into her place, or steal anything from her, or generally annoy her in any way, just give her a letter from her boyfriend. That is all."
"Why is Wilson seeing Amber anyway, if she's a wicked witch, and he works for House?" Thirteen was going to punch Kutner if he asked one more question.
"Shut up, Kutner," Foreman, Taub, and Thirteen all said.
"Wilson's love life doesn't matter," Thirteen added.
Foreman and Taub nodded. "It's none of our business," Foreman said. "And quite frankly, I really do not want to know what those three get up to."
"But she's a wicked witch." Kutner was really not getting the point, so Thirteen punched him on the shoulder.
"Ow!" Kutner pouted. "That hurt!"
"Good," Thirteen said. "Now stop it."
Thirteen pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. Before they had left to go make the delivery, Wilson had written (well, scrawled, really) down directions to the castle Amber could be found in. He'd also drawn a small diagram of the place, pinpointing the door they would need to enter through, so as to avoid any possible traps Amber and Cuddy might have laying around. She held up, closer to her face, and squinted as she tried to make out the seemingly random etchings across the paper's surface. "We need to go left up here... At least I think that is what this says." She handed the paper to Foreman, who took his eyes away from his newspaper to try and see if he could read the writing.
"Yeah, you're correct, we need to go left just up there." He pointed toward what looked like a four way intersection. Thirteen didn't remember there being any other roads in the Wizard of Oz, but apparently there were more here, in her dream, as they had long departed from the White Linoleum Hallway and were now making their way down what appeared to be a normal road, excepting the fact that there was a lack of traffic signs and cars.
---
"I don't really hear voices, you know," House said out of nowhere. "You know. In case anyone was wondering."
"Yeah, okay House." Cuddy's pager went off and, upon seeing what it said, she cursed under her breath. "I have to go, I totally forgot about a meeting with some donors."
House glared at her. "You're leaving us here?"
Cuddy stood up. She flattened a few wrinkles out of her clothing, and pushed some hair out of her face. "In case you forgot, I am the one making you stay here. I can leave whenever I want." She opened the door and right before she walked out, she turned around. "Wilson, make sure Kutner and House stay here. The others are free to leave, if they wish."
Wilson nodded. "Right. Make sure Kutner and House leave, keep the others here." He grinned at Cuddy and she rolled her eyes.
"As much as I would love to sit here and run through that over and over, I have to go." She waved and exited the room, closing the door gently behind her.
"Well, you heard the lady. Kutner, lets go." House stood up, only to be pulled back into his chair by Wilson.
"You two have to stay here," he said.
"You, sir, are a traitor." House made a show of scooting his chair away from Wilson's, eyeing him suspiciously as he did so. Wilson rolled his eyes and moved his chair so that he was once again right next to House. "You're buying me dinner tonight."
"Okay."
"I get to pick the place, and I'm going to get the most expensive thing on the menu."
"So I'll be out, what, $10, $20 for some Chinese food for the both of us?"
House scowled. "I'll order more than that."
"Whatever you say, House. Just make sure you eat whatever you order." Wilson stuck his tongue out at House, who returned the gesture. Foreman mumbled something about them needing to put their tongues away, and they just laughed.
---
They continued on down the road, taking turns attempting to make out Wilson's directions. Finally, with just a little bit of luck, they found themselves standing in front of a very ominous looking castle.
"I don't think they have many visitors," Kutner said absent-mindedly.
"Obviously," Thirteen said, rolling her eyes at him. "Come on. Let's just knock on the door and get this over with so we can go back."
They all nodded in agreement and Thirteen walked up to the huge wooden doors, grabbing the huge brass knocker and knocking as loudly as she could manage. After a moment of waiting, the doors opened and they entered the giant, dark castle. The doors slammed shut behind them, and they all jumped a little at the sound. It was mostly dark, but some torches along the walls lit the way as they walked down the hallway, wondering where Amber might be. Kutner hoped she would not be in a bad mood again.
The tip-tapping of their shoes filled the air. The hallway was long, seemed to go on forever, and nobody knew when they would reach their destination.
Very suddenly, there was a door in front of them. Foreman pushed it open and it led into a huge circular room. "Amber? Are you in here?" he called, his voice echoing through the entire room.
"What do you want?" a voice called back.
"We've got something for Amber, Wilson wanted us to deliver it for him," Thirteen responded, holding the note up.
In a puff of smoke, Amber and Cuddy appeared in the center of the room. "From Wilson?" Amber asked.
Thirteen nodded and walked up to the two, handing Amber the note and smiling a little, hoping they wouldn't try and kill them or anything like that.
---
Once is was assured that Cuddy would not be bursting back onto the scene for a while, Kutner sat down in her empty chair. He sighed happily as the cramps in his legs eased their way out, and Taub glared at him for being noisy.
"House?" Kutner questioned, noting that it had been unusually quiet for the past few minutes.
Wilson shushed him, indicating to House, whose head was resting on his shoulder. House had fallen asleep in Cuddy's absence.
"He looks comfortable," Kutner said in a stage-whisper.
Wilson raised a thick eyebrow. "Don't get any funny ideas, Kutner."
Laughing, he shrugged. "You have two shoulders, Wilson!"
"Taub has a functioning shoulder," he pointed out.
Taub glared at Kutner, as if daring him to even try sleeping on his shoulder.
"Bad height-distribution, I could hurt myself! He- ow!" he yelped as Taub smacked him on the back of the head.
House continued sleeping, peacefully unaware of what was going on around him.
---
Amber smiled slightly, obviously glad to be getting word from Wilson, but her smile faded as she read the note. "Goddamnit," she mumbled. She then glared suspiciously at Thirteen. "This is really from Wilson?"
Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Does it look like it is from Wilson?" Kutner looked like he was about to flee, so Thirteen smacked him lightly on the arm, just to make sure he knew she was onto him.
Cuddy glanced at the note. "That's from Wilson, alright. House sucks at doing his signature," she pointed at Wilson's name down at the bottom. "And I somehow don't think House would bother adding a side note if he was the one who wrote the original."
"True," Amber said, considering it. "Well, I'll just go visit them later I suppose," she said nonchalantly, though she still appeared irritated.
"Well then, we're going to be off," Thirteen said, smiling and turning to leave.
"Hey! Wait!" Cuddy said. "You have my panties!" she accused.
Thirteen shook her head. "House has them, sorry!" She chuckled a little.
Cuddy scowled. "Why'd you give them to him? Now it is going to take me forever to get them back."
"I'll get them back when I drop by Princeton-Plainsboro," Amber offered. "I have a feeling House will be too distracted to take notice of whether or not he is in possession of your underwear."
"Why would he be-" Thirteen cut Kutner off.
"Just keep walking." She grabbed his elbow and led him back down the hallway, toward the door. "We need to get back to House so that I can go home."
Kutner frowned. "I don't want you to go home," he muttered to himself. "Even though you're kind of mean and bordering on physically abusive..." he continued.
She laughed softly. "I'm sorry Kutner, but I have to go home," she said evenly. Of course dream-Kutner was just as endearing as real-Kutner. But she'd rather have real-Kutner, real-Foreman, and real-Taub to talk to instead of their dream selves. Thirteen was happy it was almost over.
---
Kutner glanced over at House, still snoring soundly on Wilson's shoulder. He grinned as a wicked sort of idea came to mind. "Hey Taub," he whispered. "Do you have a pen?"
Taub checked his pockets, then shook his head. "No," he whispered back. "What do you need it for?" He paused for a minute, before adding, "And why are we whispering?"
"Don't want to wake House up." Kutner shrugged.
"Oh."
"Foreman, do you have a pen or marker or something?" he asked quietly.
"There's one in House's pocket," Wilson told him. Kutner got out of his seat very carefully, tiptoeing across the room and carefully pawing through House's shirt pocket. With a triumphant grin, he pulled out a permanent black marker. Wilson, who was playing with House's hair for some reason, raised an eyebrow.
"What are you doing?"
Kutner uncapped the marker and knealed down beside House's chair. "Just having a little fun."
"That's probably not a good idea," Foreman hissed as Kutner busied himself in front of House.
After a few minutes, Kutner stood up, capping the marker and putting it back in House's pocket. He sat down and admired his handiwork from afar. House had two thick black circles around his eyes (obviously intended to be glasses), a lightning bolt on his forehead and a huge cartoonish handlebar moustache. House didn't stir once as the pen made its way over his face, something Kutner was pretty greatful for.
"He's going to be pissed."
"Probably." Kutner leaned back in his chair (obviously having forgotten his earlier misfortune) and grinned. Wilson reached into his pocket (carefully, so as not to disturb House at all) and pulled out his phone. He pressed a few buttons, obviously taking pictures, and laughed quietly to himself. House cracked an eye open and mumbled something into Wilson's shoulder.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kutner/Thirteen, House/Wilson, Wilson/Amber
Genre: Parody/Adventure
Warnings: Language, sexual references, spoilers up to Living The Dream, but disregarding the finale (House's Head/Wilson's Heart)
Summary: An accident causes Thirteen to sustain a nasty concussion, and a second impact leaves her totally unconscious. While unconscious she's taken to a strange world called Princeton-South-of-Oz, where she's given the Ruby Thong, and a mission; get it to House! But will the Wicked Witches stop her?
Notes: If you like our story, let us know! Friend our journal for access to quick updates, and updates-about-updates. New chapters are posted every Sunday.
Previous Chapters: PROLOGUE CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX
"So, we just deliver the letter and get out of there, right?" Kutner asked for what seemed like the billionth time.
Thirteen didn't even bother rolling her eyes that time, seemed far too redundant at this point. "Amber's not going to kill us. We just have to give her the letter from Wilson, and then we can go."
"But what if she gets angry?" Kutner asked. "And kills us?"
"I'm going to kill you if you don't shut up." Thirteen glared at Kutner. "We're just delivering a letter. We're not going to break into her place, or steal anything from her, or generally annoy her in any way, just give her a letter from her boyfriend. That is all."
"Why is Wilson seeing Amber anyway, if she's a wicked witch, and he works for House?" Thirteen was going to punch Kutner if he asked one more question.
"Shut up, Kutner," Foreman, Taub, and Thirteen all said.
"Wilson's love life doesn't matter," Thirteen added.
Foreman and Taub nodded. "It's none of our business," Foreman said. "And quite frankly, I really do not want to know what those three get up to."
"But she's a wicked witch." Kutner was really not getting the point, so Thirteen punched him on the shoulder.
"Ow!" Kutner pouted. "That hurt!"
"Good," Thirteen said. "Now stop it."
Thirteen pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. Before they had left to go make the delivery, Wilson had written (well, scrawled, really) down directions to the castle Amber could be found in. He'd also drawn a small diagram of the place, pinpointing the door they would need to enter through, so as to avoid any possible traps Amber and Cuddy might have laying around. She held up, closer to her face, and squinted as she tried to make out the seemingly random etchings across the paper's surface. "We need to go left up here... At least I think that is what this says." She handed the paper to Foreman, who took his eyes away from his newspaper to try and see if he could read the writing.
"Yeah, you're correct, we need to go left just up there." He pointed toward what looked like a four way intersection. Thirteen didn't remember there being any other roads in the Wizard of Oz, but apparently there were more here, in her dream, as they had long departed from the White Linoleum Hallway and were now making their way down what appeared to be a normal road, excepting the fact that there was a lack of traffic signs and cars.
---
"I don't really hear voices, you know," House said out of nowhere. "You know. In case anyone was wondering."
"Yeah, okay House." Cuddy's pager went off and, upon seeing what it said, she cursed under her breath. "I have to go, I totally forgot about a meeting with some donors."
House glared at her. "You're leaving us here?"
Cuddy stood up. She flattened a few wrinkles out of her clothing, and pushed some hair out of her face. "In case you forgot, I am the one making you stay here. I can leave whenever I want." She opened the door and right before she walked out, she turned around. "Wilson, make sure Kutner and House stay here. The others are free to leave, if they wish."
Wilson nodded. "Right. Make sure Kutner and House leave, keep the others here." He grinned at Cuddy and she rolled her eyes.
"As much as I would love to sit here and run through that over and over, I have to go." She waved and exited the room, closing the door gently behind her.
"Well, you heard the lady. Kutner, lets go." House stood up, only to be pulled back into his chair by Wilson.
"You two have to stay here," he said.
"You, sir, are a traitor." House made a show of scooting his chair away from Wilson's, eyeing him suspiciously as he did so. Wilson rolled his eyes and moved his chair so that he was once again right next to House. "You're buying me dinner tonight."
"Okay."
"I get to pick the place, and I'm going to get the most expensive thing on the menu."
"So I'll be out, what, $10, $20 for some Chinese food for the both of us?"
House scowled. "I'll order more than that."
"Whatever you say, House. Just make sure you eat whatever you order." Wilson stuck his tongue out at House, who returned the gesture. Foreman mumbled something about them needing to put their tongues away, and they just laughed.
---
They continued on down the road, taking turns attempting to make out Wilson's directions. Finally, with just a little bit of luck, they found themselves standing in front of a very ominous looking castle.
"I don't think they have many visitors," Kutner said absent-mindedly.
"Obviously," Thirteen said, rolling her eyes at him. "Come on. Let's just knock on the door and get this over with so we can go back."
They all nodded in agreement and Thirteen walked up to the huge wooden doors, grabbing the huge brass knocker and knocking as loudly as she could manage. After a moment of waiting, the doors opened and they entered the giant, dark castle. The doors slammed shut behind them, and they all jumped a little at the sound. It was mostly dark, but some torches along the walls lit the way as they walked down the hallway, wondering where Amber might be. Kutner hoped she would not be in a bad mood again.
The tip-tapping of their shoes filled the air. The hallway was long, seemed to go on forever, and nobody knew when they would reach their destination.
Very suddenly, there was a door in front of them. Foreman pushed it open and it led into a huge circular room. "Amber? Are you in here?" he called, his voice echoing through the entire room.
"What do you want?" a voice called back.
"We've got something for Amber, Wilson wanted us to deliver it for him," Thirteen responded, holding the note up.
In a puff of smoke, Amber and Cuddy appeared in the center of the room. "From Wilson?" Amber asked.
Thirteen nodded and walked up to the two, handing Amber the note and smiling a little, hoping they wouldn't try and kill them or anything like that.
---
Once is was assured that Cuddy would not be bursting back onto the scene for a while, Kutner sat down in her empty chair. He sighed happily as the cramps in his legs eased their way out, and Taub glared at him for being noisy.
"House?" Kutner questioned, noting that it had been unusually quiet for the past few minutes.
Wilson shushed him, indicating to House, whose head was resting on his shoulder. House had fallen asleep in Cuddy's absence.
"He looks comfortable," Kutner said in a stage-whisper.
Wilson raised a thick eyebrow. "Don't get any funny ideas, Kutner."
Laughing, he shrugged. "You have two shoulders, Wilson!"
"Taub has a functioning shoulder," he pointed out.
Taub glared at Kutner, as if daring him to even try sleeping on his shoulder.
"Bad height-distribution, I could hurt myself! He- ow!" he yelped as Taub smacked him on the back of the head.
House continued sleeping, peacefully unaware of what was going on around him.
---
Amber smiled slightly, obviously glad to be getting word from Wilson, but her smile faded as she read the note. "Goddamnit," she mumbled. She then glared suspiciously at Thirteen. "This is really from Wilson?"
Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Does it look like it is from Wilson?" Kutner looked like he was about to flee, so Thirteen smacked him lightly on the arm, just to make sure he knew she was onto him.
Cuddy glanced at the note. "That's from Wilson, alright. House sucks at doing his signature," she pointed at Wilson's name down at the bottom. "And I somehow don't think House would bother adding a side note if he was the one who wrote the original."
"True," Amber said, considering it. "Well, I'll just go visit them later I suppose," she said nonchalantly, though she still appeared irritated.
"Well then, we're going to be off," Thirteen said, smiling and turning to leave.
"Hey! Wait!" Cuddy said. "You have my panties!" she accused.
Thirteen shook her head. "House has them, sorry!" She chuckled a little.
Cuddy scowled. "Why'd you give them to him? Now it is going to take me forever to get them back."
"I'll get them back when I drop by Princeton-Plainsboro," Amber offered. "I have a feeling House will be too distracted to take notice of whether or not he is in possession of your underwear."
"Why would he be-" Thirteen cut Kutner off.
"Just keep walking." She grabbed his elbow and led him back down the hallway, toward the door. "We need to get back to House so that I can go home."
Kutner frowned. "I don't want you to go home," he muttered to himself. "Even though you're kind of mean and bordering on physically abusive..." he continued.
She laughed softly. "I'm sorry Kutner, but I have to go home," she said evenly. Of course dream-Kutner was just as endearing as real-Kutner. But she'd rather have real-Kutner, real-Foreman, and real-Taub to talk to instead of their dream selves. Thirteen was happy it was almost over.
---
Kutner glanced over at House, still snoring soundly on Wilson's shoulder. He grinned as a wicked sort of idea came to mind. "Hey Taub," he whispered. "Do you have a pen?"
Taub checked his pockets, then shook his head. "No," he whispered back. "What do you need it for?" He paused for a minute, before adding, "And why are we whispering?"
"Don't want to wake House up." Kutner shrugged.
"Oh."
"Foreman, do you have a pen or marker or something?" he asked quietly.
"There's one in House's pocket," Wilson told him. Kutner got out of his seat very carefully, tiptoeing across the room and carefully pawing through House's shirt pocket. With a triumphant grin, he pulled out a permanent black marker. Wilson, who was playing with House's hair for some reason, raised an eyebrow.
"What are you doing?"
Kutner uncapped the marker and knealed down beside House's chair. "Just having a little fun."
"That's probably not a good idea," Foreman hissed as Kutner busied himself in front of House.
After a few minutes, Kutner stood up, capping the marker and putting it back in House's pocket. He sat down and admired his handiwork from afar. House had two thick black circles around his eyes (obviously intended to be glasses), a lightning bolt on his forehead and a huge cartoonish handlebar moustache. House didn't stir once as the pen made its way over his face, something Kutner was pretty greatful for.
"He's going to be pissed."
"Probably." Kutner leaned back in his chair (obviously having forgotten his earlier misfortune) and grinned. Wilson reached into his pocket (carefully, so as not to disturb House at all) and pulled out his phone. He pressed a few buttons, obviously taking pictures, and laughed quietly to himself. House cracked an eye open and mumbled something into Wilson's shoulder.