The Wizard of PROZ
Title: The Wizard of Proz (The Wizard of PROZ chap 6 @FF.NET)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kutner/Thirteen, House/Wilson, Wilson/Amber
Genre: Parody/Adventure
Warnings: Language, sexual references, spoilers up to Living The Dream, but disregarding the finale (House's Head/Wilson's Heart)
Summary: An accident causes Thirteen to sustain a nasty concussion, and a second impact leaves her totally unconscious. While unconscious she's taken to a strange world called Princeton-South-of-Oz, where she's given the Ruby Thong, and a mission; get it to House! But will the Wicked Witches stop her?
Notes: If you like our story, let us know! Friend our journal for access to quick updates, and updates-about-updates. New chapters are posted every Sunday.
Previous Chapters: PROLOGUE CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE
They'd been walking through the field of vicodin flowers for what seemed like ages, and every step they took made the silhouette of Princeton-Plainsboro become more of a solid image. Thirteen felt a little excitement bubble up in her chest, and she was sure it wasn't from the vicodin.
They were all mostly in a good state of mind, finally out of the field and Princeton-Plainsboro seemed closer than ever. She could see the vast parking lot surrounding it. Why a city had a parking lot, she couldn't begin to fathom. It looked just like the hospital, from the outside at least.
"We're really close now," she said to Kutner, smiling.
"Yeah," he replied, nodding and smiling a little. None of the guys seemed nearly excited to see Princeton-Plainsboro, so she was sure they were just humouring her.
They finally got to the edge of the parking lot and Thirteen had to just stop and look at it for a few minutes. She was really this close to waking up. This close to a sandwich and the real Kutner and a world without flying monkeys and magical thongs.
Taking a deep breath, she grabbed Kutner's hand again as they walked through the huge parking lot. He didn't protest, he just shot a gloating smile at Taub and Foreman.
After a few more minutes of walking, they got to the front doors. Foreman went to open them, but they were locked, so he knocked on the glass.
Wilson came to the door, dressed in his normal lab coat and ugly ties. "What's up Foreman? You've been gone a while."
"Long story, can you let us in?" Foreman said through the glass.
"House is kind of in a bad mood right now, he's not letting anybody in or out," Wilson said, looking apologetic.
"We have the thong," Kutner said emphatically.
--
"Hey look, Wilson, you joined in on the orgy." Thirteen had just mumbled Wilson's name, along with a few unintelligible noises. House winked at Wilson suggestively. "Maybe she's going to catch you doing naughty things with that devious wizard or something."
Wilson nodded. "Oh, most definitely. Or maybe she'll catch me with the wicked witch."
"Which one? Not that is really matters, you'd probably be happy with either one." House received an eye roll from Cuddy at that.
"I'm going to have to go with the one that is actually my girlfriend," Wilson replied, laughing.
House flicked Wilson on the arm. "You really need to stop pretending to be the nice one, you make me look bad."
"Stop constantly making references to sex, then maybe you'd look better," Cuddy recommended. At some point, she had gotten a hold of a nail file, and she was working away at her nails, filing them down into smooth arches. House thought it really helped emphasise how bored they all were.
"In case you hadn't noticed," House replied. "Wilson makes just as many references to sex as I do. Sex with me, even."
"You're just a bad influence on him. Stop corrupting my other doctors." Cuddy grinned at House, laughing at the scowl he gave her. "I suppose Wilson's too far gone, though."
"Most assuredly," House said. "I really did a number on him." He patted Wilson on the leg. "You're damaged goods, Jimmy boy, nobody is going to want you now."
Wilson shook his head in a sad sort of way that almost made House laugh. "I was afraid of that."
"Don't worry, I'm sure we can pawn you off on somebody." House looked around the room. Everybody else seemed intent on ignoring him when he tried to make eye contact with him. "Well fine then, you people are no fun. Looks like you're stuck with me, Wilson."
"Wasn't I already?"
"This is very true."
--
"...You do?" Wilson looked puzzled.
"She does," Taub said, pointing at Thirteen.
"Who're you?"
"Thirteen."
Wilson raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. "I'll go talk to House about letting you in," he said, turning and disappearing around a corner.
Foreman rolled his eyes. "Just watch, Wilson's going to come back and tell us House changed his mind about the thong or something." Knowing House (the real one, not the dream one), Thirteen knew that was most like something the man would do, but she also knew this was a dream, and that if House turned them away, that would not be going in accordance with the movie this whole mess was based off of.
"I don't really care if he changes his mind," she said after a moment. "He's going to see us."
Taub, Foreman, and Kutner all gave her looks that clearly said they thought she was crazy, but they said nothing. Everyone stood by the door for about twenty minutes before they saw Wilson coming back toward the glass doors. His hair looked a little less immaculate than it had the first time he'd appeared, and his tie wasn't on all the way. Thirteen rolled her eyes. Even her dreams weren't free of the homoerotic undertones of House and Wilson's relationship. Either that, or Amber had taken time out of her busy wicked witch schedule and gone to visit him for a few minutes. Thirteen didn't really care to know.
Wilson opened the door and grinned at them, but before he could say anything, Kutner interrupted him. "House in a better mood now?" he asked cheekily.
Wilson ignored him. "He says he'll see you, follow me." He held one of the doors open for them, and they all filed into the building.
--
Kutner looked at Thirteen, an odd expression on his face. The same expression seemed to be on the faces of most of the people in the room as well, except for Taub and Foreman, who clearly weren't paying attention. "Did she just say 'homoerotic'?" Kutner asked.
"I don't think I even need to make a sexual reference." House laughed and shook his head. "Sounds like she's having a fun dream."
"Fun or emotionally traumatic, I can't really tell which," Kutner replied with a bit of a smirk. "She may never be the same after this," he added, trying to sound 'emotionally devastated'.
Wilson laughed and House glared at him. "I don't know, it's her subconscious, she obviously thinks about these things."
"I am sure that is somehow your fault," Wilson said. "I don't really know how it would be, but it so is."
"No, I think it's your fault, you need to stop making googly eyes at me all the time." House smirked and did a imitation of said 'googly eyes' Wilson supposedly made.
"I somehow think it's everyone in this room's fault," Foreman said abruptly. Then he cleared his throat. "Except mine."
Taub rolled his eyes. "Of course it's not your fault. Never is."
"Exactly," Foreman agreed, rolling his eyes when he hid behind his newspaper.
--
Thirteen recognized the majority of the usual staff as the people hurrying around in front of them, she even spotted Chase filling up a coffee cup. Wilson led them into the elevators and they were on their way up. The elevator was rather crowded, but luckily it wasn't a long trip. Most of the people got off on the couple of floors before their stop, and when they stepped off, it was much less crowded.
Wilson led them down a hallway. Thirteen spotted a few vending machines lining the hallways, and Kutner stopped at one to get a candy bar. She rolled her eyes at it and grabbed his arm before they got too far behind the other three. The passed a wooden door labelled 'James Wilson' before they got to House's glass office. Wilson opened the door, once again, for them and they all entered the office.
"Welcome," someone said, a high backed leather chair directly in front of them. The chair spun around to reveal House, tossing a red ball, just a bit bigger than a tennis ball, up and down as he studied them. "So my useless subordinates return. But who might you be?" he asked, looking at Thirteen with thinly veiled curiosity. "Don't roll your eyes at me," he said to Taub, who had indeed rolled his eyes at House's comment. He turned back to Thirteen. "Well, who are you?"
"Thirteen," she said. She pulled the thong out of her pocket and spun it around on her index finger. "I believe you wanted this?"
He raised an eyebrow. "How did you come across this fascinating piece of history?" he asked. "You aren't a lesbian are you?"
Thirteen shook her head. "Nope, not a lesbian." She stopped spinning the underwear, instead letting them hang loosely off her finger. "Cuddy just happened to land under my bed. And Cameron is the one that took them off her, really." Thirteen grinned at the momentary look of shock on House's face. She heard Wilson cough.
"Well that's an amazing tale!" he said appreciatively. "Now can I have it?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I need a favor from you before I can hand it over," she told him firmly. "If you aren't going to do me this favor, you aren't getting the thong and that's final," she added.
They were all staring at House now. "Right. So name your terms, Miss Thirteen," he said, a bit of sarcasm placed on her name.
"I'm not from around here, obviously," Thirteen replied. "I'd like to get home."
--
"I think we're nearing the end of this fantastic voyage," House said sarcastically. "She just said 'home', or something to that effect."
"Must be asking you to get her home, she wouldn't be at the end yet," Kutner said. Everyone looked at him. "We just watched it last night, okay? Fresh in my mind. Nobody thinks House is weird for knowing the storyline."
"I know everything," House said.
Wilson turned to Cuddy, a look of concern on his face. "He keeps having these delusions of grandeur, I'm getting kind of worried," he said to her in a stage whisper.
"We'll send him to psych when Dr. Hadley wakes up," Cuddy replied in her own stage whisper, hardly concealing her laughter. "I think there's medication for things like that."
Wilson nodded in agreement, looking at House with a face full of mock-concern. "We'll get you better," he said in a 'I'm talking to a deaf puppy' voice, patting House on the knee.
House patted Wilson's knee back. "The voices say I should kill you, you know." His tone was very quiet, and very composed, and Kutner, who was laughing quietly, really didn't know how he did it sometimes. House looked Wilson, hoping to convey how very torn up inside he was right at that moment. "I don't want to listen to them, I really don't, but they are very insistent."
"Persistent," Foreman corrected.
--
"Where's home?" he asked. "And why would you think I could help you?"
"Aren't you suppose to be some great wizard? You can help me." Thirteen knew how the story ended, how the dream had to end, but she didn't think she'd be able to skip to the finale without getting House to help her first.
"Way to not answer the question," House said. "How can I get you home when I don't know where you live?"
"If it's really relevant, New Jersey," she said, sounding cross. "Now are you going to help me or what, House?"
House gave her an odd look. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, just looked at her, as if sizing her up, trying to figure her out. "Well, you did get the thong because of that little lesbian threesome of yours, so I suppose I can help you, yes."
She tossed the thong to him and he caught he, admiring it with a certain fondness. "This just makes my day that much better," he said, winking at Wilson. "But I need one more favor of you before I help you get home," he said.
She groaned. "House, no, just tell me how to get home."
"It's just a letter I need delivered, personally," he said, shrugging. "But if you want to be trapped here forever..."
"Fine, fine," Thirteen said. She didn't want to waste any more time arguing with him. "What do you want us to do with the letter?"
"Us?" Foreman, Kutner, and Taub all asked.
Thirteen cast them a look. "Yes. Us. You want some of the credit for this, right?" They all nodded, so she set her attentions on House once more.
"Wilson needs to skip out on his dinner date with Amber." Wilson nodded in agreement. "So I need you to take this letter to her."
Kutner's eyes widened. "We have to go see her again?"
"She's not that bad," Wilson said defensively. "She just... really likes being a wicked witch."
"You should see her acting it up in bed," House added.
"I don't think we need to know about your personal life. Give me the letter, we'll deliver it."
He handed over a neatly folded piece of paper. "Now get out of here, kids," he said, shooing them out of the office.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kutner/Thirteen, House/Wilson, Wilson/Amber
Genre: Parody/Adventure
Warnings: Language, sexual references, spoilers up to Living The Dream, but disregarding the finale (House's Head/Wilson's Heart)
Summary: An accident causes Thirteen to sustain a nasty concussion, and a second impact leaves her totally unconscious. While unconscious she's taken to a strange world called Princeton-South-of-Oz, where she's given the Ruby Thong, and a mission; get it to House! But will the Wicked Witches stop her?
Notes: If you like our story, let us know! Friend our journal for access to quick updates, and updates-about-updates. New chapters are posted every Sunday.
Previous Chapters: PROLOGUE CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE
They'd been walking through the field of vicodin flowers for what seemed like ages, and every step they took made the silhouette of Princeton-Plainsboro become more of a solid image. Thirteen felt a little excitement bubble up in her chest, and she was sure it wasn't from the vicodin.
They were all mostly in a good state of mind, finally out of the field and Princeton-Plainsboro seemed closer than ever. She could see the vast parking lot surrounding it. Why a city had a parking lot, she couldn't begin to fathom. It looked just like the hospital, from the outside at least.
"We're really close now," she said to Kutner, smiling.
"Yeah," he replied, nodding and smiling a little. None of the guys seemed nearly excited to see Princeton-Plainsboro, so she was sure they were just humouring her.
They finally got to the edge of the parking lot and Thirteen had to just stop and look at it for a few minutes. She was really this close to waking up. This close to a sandwich and the real Kutner and a world without flying monkeys and magical thongs.
Taking a deep breath, she grabbed Kutner's hand again as they walked through the huge parking lot. He didn't protest, he just shot a gloating smile at Taub and Foreman.
After a few more minutes of walking, they got to the front doors. Foreman went to open them, but they were locked, so he knocked on the glass.
Wilson came to the door, dressed in his normal lab coat and ugly ties. "What's up Foreman? You've been gone a while."
"Long story, can you let us in?" Foreman said through the glass.
"House is kind of in a bad mood right now, he's not letting anybody in or out," Wilson said, looking apologetic.
"We have the thong," Kutner said emphatically.
--
"Hey look, Wilson, you joined in on the orgy." Thirteen had just mumbled Wilson's name, along with a few unintelligible noises. House winked at Wilson suggestively. "Maybe she's going to catch you doing naughty things with that devious wizard or something."
Wilson nodded. "Oh, most definitely. Or maybe she'll catch me with the wicked witch."
"Which one? Not that is really matters, you'd probably be happy with either one." House received an eye roll from Cuddy at that.
"I'm going to have to go with the one that is actually my girlfriend," Wilson replied, laughing.
House flicked Wilson on the arm. "You really need to stop pretending to be the nice one, you make me look bad."
"Stop constantly making references to sex, then maybe you'd look better," Cuddy recommended. At some point, she had gotten a hold of a nail file, and she was working away at her nails, filing them down into smooth arches. House thought it really helped emphasise how bored they all were.
"In case you hadn't noticed," House replied. "Wilson makes just as many references to sex as I do. Sex with me, even."
"You're just a bad influence on him. Stop corrupting my other doctors." Cuddy grinned at House, laughing at the scowl he gave her. "I suppose Wilson's too far gone, though."
"Most assuredly," House said. "I really did a number on him." He patted Wilson on the leg. "You're damaged goods, Jimmy boy, nobody is going to want you now."
Wilson shook his head in a sad sort of way that almost made House laugh. "I was afraid of that."
"Don't worry, I'm sure we can pawn you off on somebody." House looked around the room. Everybody else seemed intent on ignoring him when he tried to make eye contact with him. "Well fine then, you people are no fun. Looks like you're stuck with me, Wilson."
"Wasn't I already?"
"This is very true."
--
"...You do?" Wilson looked puzzled.
"She does," Taub said, pointing at Thirteen.
"Who're you?"
"Thirteen."
Wilson raised an eyebrow, but shrugged. "I'll go talk to House about letting you in," he said, turning and disappearing around a corner.
Foreman rolled his eyes. "Just watch, Wilson's going to come back and tell us House changed his mind about the thong or something." Knowing House (the real one, not the dream one), Thirteen knew that was most like something the man would do, but she also knew this was a dream, and that if House turned them away, that would not be going in accordance with the movie this whole mess was based off of.
"I don't really care if he changes his mind," she said after a moment. "He's going to see us."
Taub, Foreman, and Kutner all gave her looks that clearly said they thought she was crazy, but they said nothing. Everyone stood by the door for about twenty minutes before they saw Wilson coming back toward the glass doors. His hair looked a little less immaculate than it had the first time he'd appeared, and his tie wasn't on all the way. Thirteen rolled her eyes. Even her dreams weren't free of the homoerotic undertones of House and Wilson's relationship. Either that, or Amber had taken time out of her busy wicked witch schedule and gone to visit him for a few minutes. Thirteen didn't really care to know.
Wilson opened the door and grinned at them, but before he could say anything, Kutner interrupted him. "House in a better mood now?" he asked cheekily.
Wilson ignored him. "He says he'll see you, follow me." He held one of the doors open for them, and they all filed into the building.
--
Kutner looked at Thirteen, an odd expression on his face. The same expression seemed to be on the faces of most of the people in the room as well, except for Taub and Foreman, who clearly weren't paying attention. "Did she just say 'homoerotic'?" Kutner asked.
"I don't think I even need to make a sexual reference." House laughed and shook his head. "Sounds like she's having a fun dream."
"Fun or emotionally traumatic, I can't really tell which," Kutner replied with a bit of a smirk. "She may never be the same after this," he added, trying to sound 'emotionally devastated'.
Wilson laughed and House glared at him. "I don't know, it's her subconscious, she obviously thinks about these things."
"I am sure that is somehow your fault," Wilson said. "I don't really know how it would be, but it so is."
"No, I think it's your fault, you need to stop making googly eyes at me all the time." House smirked and did a imitation of said 'googly eyes' Wilson supposedly made.
"I somehow think it's everyone in this room's fault," Foreman said abruptly. Then he cleared his throat. "Except mine."
Taub rolled his eyes. "Of course it's not your fault. Never is."
"Exactly," Foreman agreed, rolling his eyes when he hid behind his newspaper.
--
Thirteen recognized the majority of the usual staff as the people hurrying around in front of them, she even spotted Chase filling up a coffee cup. Wilson led them into the elevators and they were on their way up. The elevator was rather crowded, but luckily it wasn't a long trip. Most of the people got off on the couple of floors before their stop, and when they stepped off, it was much less crowded.
Wilson led them down a hallway. Thirteen spotted a few vending machines lining the hallways, and Kutner stopped at one to get a candy bar. She rolled her eyes at it and grabbed his arm before they got too far behind the other three. The passed a wooden door labelled 'James Wilson' before they got to House's glass office. Wilson opened the door, once again, for them and they all entered the office.
"Welcome," someone said, a high backed leather chair directly in front of them. The chair spun around to reveal House, tossing a red ball, just a bit bigger than a tennis ball, up and down as he studied them. "So my useless subordinates return. But who might you be?" he asked, looking at Thirteen with thinly veiled curiosity. "Don't roll your eyes at me," he said to Taub, who had indeed rolled his eyes at House's comment. He turned back to Thirteen. "Well, who are you?"
"Thirteen," she said. She pulled the thong out of her pocket and spun it around on her index finger. "I believe you wanted this?"
He raised an eyebrow. "How did you come across this fascinating piece of history?" he asked. "You aren't a lesbian are you?"
Thirteen shook her head. "Nope, not a lesbian." She stopped spinning the underwear, instead letting them hang loosely off her finger. "Cuddy just happened to land under my bed. And Cameron is the one that took them off her, really." Thirteen grinned at the momentary look of shock on House's face. She heard Wilson cough.
"Well that's an amazing tale!" he said appreciatively. "Now can I have it?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I need a favor from you before I can hand it over," she told him firmly. "If you aren't going to do me this favor, you aren't getting the thong and that's final," she added.
They were all staring at House now. "Right. So name your terms, Miss Thirteen," he said, a bit of sarcasm placed on her name.
"I'm not from around here, obviously," Thirteen replied. "I'd like to get home."
--
"I think we're nearing the end of this fantastic voyage," House said sarcastically. "She just said 'home', or something to that effect."
"Must be asking you to get her home, she wouldn't be at the end yet," Kutner said. Everyone looked at him. "We just watched it last night, okay? Fresh in my mind. Nobody thinks House is weird for knowing the storyline."
"I know everything," House said.
Wilson turned to Cuddy, a look of concern on his face. "He keeps having these delusions of grandeur, I'm getting kind of worried," he said to her in a stage whisper.
"We'll send him to psych when Dr. Hadley wakes up," Cuddy replied in her own stage whisper, hardly concealing her laughter. "I think there's medication for things like that."
Wilson nodded in agreement, looking at House with a face full of mock-concern. "We'll get you better," he said in a 'I'm talking to a deaf puppy' voice, patting House on the knee.
House patted Wilson's knee back. "The voices say I should kill you, you know." His tone was very quiet, and very composed, and Kutner, who was laughing quietly, really didn't know how he did it sometimes. House looked Wilson, hoping to convey how very torn up inside he was right at that moment. "I don't want to listen to them, I really don't, but they are very insistent."
"Persistent," Foreman corrected.
--
"Where's home?" he asked. "And why would you think I could help you?"
"Aren't you suppose to be some great wizard? You can help me." Thirteen knew how the story ended, how the dream had to end, but she didn't think she'd be able to skip to the finale without getting House to help her first.
"Way to not answer the question," House said. "How can I get you home when I don't know where you live?"
"If it's really relevant, New Jersey," she said, sounding cross. "Now are you going to help me or what, House?"
House gave her an odd look. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, just looked at her, as if sizing her up, trying to figure her out. "Well, you did get the thong because of that little lesbian threesome of yours, so I suppose I can help you, yes."
She tossed the thong to him and he caught he, admiring it with a certain fondness. "This just makes my day that much better," he said, winking at Wilson. "But I need one more favor of you before I help you get home," he said.
She groaned. "House, no, just tell me how to get home."
"It's just a letter I need delivered, personally," he said, shrugging. "But if you want to be trapped here forever..."
"Fine, fine," Thirteen said. She didn't want to waste any more time arguing with him. "What do you want us to do with the letter?"
"Us?" Foreman, Kutner, and Taub all asked.
Thirteen cast them a look. "Yes. Us. You want some of the credit for this, right?" They all nodded, so she set her attentions on House once more.
"Wilson needs to skip out on his dinner date with Amber." Wilson nodded in agreement. "So I need you to take this letter to her."
Kutner's eyes widened. "We have to go see her again?"
"She's not that bad," Wilson said defensively. "She just... really likes being a wicked witch."
"You should see her acting it up in bed," House added.
"I don't think we need to know about your personal life. Give me the letter, we'll deliver it."
He handed over a neatly folded piece of paper. "Now get out of here, kids," he said, shooing them out of the office.