if you were me (bday fic for our fave fake maknae, aqsa!)
if you were me
~ 1,642 w, pg, (g-dragon/cl)
Silently but viciously, “Because you’re not over it - you’re not over me dumping you.
■ for bollywoodrecord, hbd bb! I love you sooo much and I hope I'll get to celebrate your bday with all #theangstcircle members for years to come
■ now to my bday message: I super, super sorry that I couldn't get my message nor picture in on time for your bday :/ You have been such a great friend over the years and I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to not know you since we tweet all the time about anything and everything /cough/ jongin, woobin, cl /cough/. I hope you and I get even closer and have plenty of lol-worthy conversations that is more often than not, plain ridiculous but I always enjoy it anyway xx
p.s. this is pretty bad, sorry :(
It’s a struggle to compete with Jiyoung. Chaerin’s been trying for half of her life, she’d know.
It’s kind of a silent competition between them since she was sixteen - he’d be giving her the evil eyes from across the room, scribbling some bad rap verse into a dirty napkin and she’d be doing the same, except worse, on the other side of the room. She’s a perfectionist and he’s a climber in the art department, the combination screams trouble so they put it aside by the time they throw her onto stage.
Still, Chaerin has to admit that the idea of having his hand in her production is intimidating.
“I don’t know what kind of stuff you guys want to put out this time,” He says lazily, leaning back in his chair and throwing his legs onto the table, taking off one of the shades from his brand name crazy collection. “Same kind of shit like last time?”
She nods easily, tugging down her own cat eye framed sunglasses. “What is that supposed to mean even?”
Jiyoung takes a sip of his lemonade, says, “Same genre?”
“Well, yeah,” she says, a little defensive and feeling sudden irritation, “It’s a distinct music style of our group.”
“Right,” he clicks his tongue, “Reggae mashed with R&B and techno’s been overdone.”
She snorts. “Oh, so what’s your distinct sound then, indie?”
“I never said I was indie.”
“You act like it.”
“Yeah but -“
“But?”
He looks angry now and she barely ever experiences his wrath. “Nothing, I’ll see you in the studio tomorrow.”
-
They get along, well, used to anyway.
Things just get hard sometimes when you were once lovers.
It wasn’t anything too serious - he got drunk and got her drunk too, they kissed a little but plenty tongue action and the next day, they’re walking around with sex hair and eating breakfast off each other’s plate.
They were happy. Chaerin doesn’t know about him but she’s not afraid to admit that he was her first real taste of love and it was good - except all things good are short lived - their relationship follows this law of nature.
Jiyoung likes to say they’re still close friends and she likes to go along with it - except this is the first time Chaerin’s seen him since he called it quit.
-
“Why does this album have so much fucking ballads?” Jiyoung asks her like it’s such a bad thing, turning down the volume and changing to the next track that he’s already heard enough times.
She rolls her eyes. “What’s wrong with ballads?”
“You said you were going for the usual 2NE1 style,” he says with a subtle force, spinning around to face her with a concerned look, “The shit you put out gets played in convenient stores - this is not your stuff.”
“What the hell -“
“It’s too much of a risk.” Jiyoung interrupts, purposefully looking away from her. “YG wouldn’t let you release it.”
Her caffeine induced eyes shot up at those words. “And why not?”
“It’s not a hit.” He says with a subtle force. “You know I’m right.”
Chaerin tenses her lips and draws her stare to the padded wall of the recording studio on the other side of the glass window, she can’t remember how hours she slaved away in there to redo her lines until satisfaction can be felt in the midst of her sleep diet, not an easy thing to accomplish. Jiyoung’s right, she knows he is but she’s not going to let this go without putting up a fight.
“The girls like it.” She announces proudly, rising to her feet and strutting over to the sound booth. “I’m going to go through with it, I don’t give a shit if you think its crap.”
“It’s not crap,” he interjects stiffly like it pains him to say so, “It’s just not what I would have expected from you.”
“Oh,” Chaerin’s voice raspy at the back of her throat but still rich with the punch of sarcasm she was aiming for,
“Surprise, now fuck off or get working.”
-
He has a new girlfriend, this wide eyed Japanese model - all skin and bones.
Of course, she is.
Chaerin can pin point what he sees in her, she knows him well and he knows that too. It’s something along the line of everything that’s not her - feminine floral, perfect glossy hair on the cover of glossy zines.
Yeah, so she sees it, Kiko, is girlfriend material.
She’s not. Chaerin’s admitting this to herself as some vulnerable honesty because she could use that. At least it makes for great writing material.
-
“Can you stop adding dub steps to every fucking song?”
Jiyoung glares under his bigger than life hat. “What would please you then? Huh?”
“Anything,” Chaerin pauses, massaging her temple, “Anything that’s not dub step, it’s getting old and over used.”
“You know what’s over used?” He asks rhetorically, rising to his feet and jabbing her shoulder with his fore finger.
“Auto tune and do we still use it? Hell yeah, Chaerin so stop picking apart everything I’m doing.”
Scoffing, she says, “You can’t even take criticism.”
“You aren’t giving me criticism -“
“Yes, I am!” She spins around, exploding into flickers of rage as she goes.
“No,” Jiyoung denies in that warning tone that Chaerin’s learn to not shudder at anymore, “No, you’re throwing insults -“
“And why would I do that?”
Silently but viciously, “Because you’re not over it - you’re not over me dumping you.”
(Jiyoung’s changed, she hasn’t - Chaerin knows that now)
-
He bristles through the studio the next day and bristles off when he sees her talking to Teddy in the booth.
Well, now Chaerin knows she’s not the one doing the avoiding.
-
“Have you spoken to Jiyoung?” Bom asks one day in the after math of a three hours dancing practice.
“Like chat to him or talked to him about work?” She asks back casually, leaning down to touch her toes.
“Uh…” The older girl hums, tying her hair up in a messy bun, “Both”
Averting her eyes, she mumbles, “Not recently.”
“Is that because you guys are being…you guys?” Bom asks, the pitch of her voice hinting that she has no idea what she’s talking about, “Or because our album’s really never going to see the light of day like everyone’s predicting?”
“What do you mean being ‘you guys’?”
“Like…really bitter - and stubborn.”
Chaerin raises her brows. “How?”
“I don’t know,” she brushes off, “Can’t really say - it’s like you’re not letting go and he’s worried about you for not letting go.”
“I’ve let go -“
“No,” Bom interrupts crisply, “Not really.”
-
On a Sunday morning, she guts up and asks Seungri who’s fucking around in the next booth.
“Come in” He hollers over the music, responding to the knocks on the door.
“Yeah, hey,” she greets and smiles back to his cheerful grin, “Do you know when Jiyong’s coming in today?”
“Nope,” Seungri says quickly, “He came in around earlier though - around two in the morning, three, something like that.”
“Why was he here that early?”
“He was producing some stuff, writing mostly.” Seungri says with a small yawn, stretching out his long limbs, “Hyung works hard, you know that already.”
She agrees but, “Jiyoung always bitch about how he doesn’t work well between midnight and five in the morning - says his head is all screwed up and everything.”
Seungri shrugs. “I don’t know, he left some writing material in there. You should go check it out.”
“’Kay,” she nods a little, retreating back from the door, “Thanks anyway.”
-
Jiyoung’s always hated her reading his stuff - it’s been like this since they were younger and she’s always respected him enough not to touch any of the crumpled papers he leaves lying around in her room (she threw them all out when they split).
But Chaerin likes to think that there are exceptions to every rule.
It was lying right there, above the sound check, on the equalizer - she just had to take it.
They were for her new album anyway, it was part of the production and he would need her approval before it could get anywhere near the album anyway. She had enough rationalizing fifteen minutes later and stuffed the whole stack in her bad like some amateur shop lifter.
There’s always that moment, when you start to fuss over whether you really want to see what you’re about to or not - like a horror story, you always want to get to the core of the mystery but it’s always hard to bear through the blood and gore.
It could be a diss song - tiring ex who clings on even after it’s over. Maybe it’s not about her at all, Chaerin doesn’t know if that would make her feel better or worse.
Eventually she rips the bandage - lays it all down on her bed and scans over the scrawny hand writing of a boy she never could give up on.
Cuz I’m so good to you yeah
You love her but her kiss is a lie
Cuz I’m so good to you yeah
you kiss her but your love is a lie
It’s pointless to try and compete with Jiyoung when he’s already writing her song for her.
-
They're spinning around in those chairs they always sit on in the studio, he's smoking and she's inhaling.
“Did you read it?”
She meets his eyes half way, warm but weary. “Yeah”
“Wha -“ He changes his mind, hides the soft spot, “Never mind.”
“It’s good.” Chaerin tells him earnestly.
“Yeah?”
There’s a smile, probably the only one he’ll ever get from her in a while. “Yeah”
“Does that mean you forgive me now?”
Chaerin thinks she won’t ever truly find it in her to forgive him, not necessary his fault but that’s just how she is - how she’s always been. “You were good to me too.”
~ 1,642 w, pg, (g-dragon/cl)
Silently but viciously, “Because you’re not over it - you’re not over me dumping you.
■ for bollywoodrecord, hbd bb! I love you sooo much and I hope I'll get to celebrate your bday with all #theangstcircle members for years to come
■ now to my bday message: I super, super sorry that I couldn't get my message nor picture in on time for your bday :/ You have been such a great friend over the years and I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to not know you since we tweet all the time about anything and everything /cough/ jongin, woobin, cl /cough/. I hope you and I get even closer and have plenty of lol-worthy conversations that is more often than not, plain ridiculous but I always enjoy it anyway xx
p.s. this is pretty bad, sorry :(
It’s a struggle to compete with Jiyoung. Chaerin’s been trying for half of her life, she’d know.
It’s kind of a silent competition between them since she was sixteen - he’d be giving her the evil eyes from across the room, scribbling some bad rap verse into a dirty napkin and she’d be doing the same, except worse, on the other side of the room. She’s a perfectionist and he’s a climber in the art department, the combination screams trouble so they put it aside by the time they throw her onto stage.
Still, Chaerin has to admit that the idea of having his hand in her production is intimidating.
“I don’t know what kind of stuff you guys want to put out this time,” He says lazily, leaning back in his chair and throwing his legs onto the table, taking off one of the shades from his brand name crazy collection. “Same kind of shit like last time?”
She nods easily, tugging down her own cat eye framed sunglasses. “What is that supposed to mean even?”
Jiyoung takes a sip of his lemonade, says, “Same genre?”
“Well, yeah,” she says, a little defensive and feeling sudden irritation, “It’s a distinct music style of our group.”
“Right,” he clicks his tongue, “Reggae mashed with R&B and techno’s been overdone.”
She snorts. “Oh, so what’s your distinct sound then, indie?”
“I never said I was indie.”
“You act like it.”
“Yeah but -“
“But?”
He looks angry now and she barely ever experiences his wrath. “Nothing, I’ll see you in the studio tomorrow.”
-
They get along, well, used to anyway.
Things just get hard sometimes when you were once lovers.
It wasn’t anything too serious - he got drunk and got her drunk too, they kissed a little but plenty tongue action and the next day, they’re walking around with sex hair and eating breakfast off each other’s plate.
They were happy. Chaerin doesn’t know about him but she’s not afraid to admit that he was her first real taste of love and it was good - except all things good are short lived - their relationship follows this law of nature.
Jiyoung likes to say they’re still close friends and she likes to go along with it - except this is the first time Chaerin’s seen him since he called it quit.
-
“Why does this album have so much fucking ballads?” Jiyoung asks her like it’s such a bad thing, turning down the volume and changing to the next track that he’s already heard enough times.
She rolls her eyes. “What’s wrong with ballads?”
“You said you were going for the usual 2NE1 style,” he says with a subtle force, spinning around to face her with a concerned look, “The shit you put out gets played in convenient stores - this is not your stuff.”
“What the hell -“
“It’s too much of a risk.” Jiyoung interrupts, purposefully looking away from her. “YG wouldn’t let you release it.”
Her caffeine induced eyes shot up at those words. “And why not?”
“It’s not a hit.” He says with a subtle force. “You know I’m right.”
Chaerin tenses her lips and draws her stare to the padded wall of the recording studio on the other side of the glass window, she can’t remember how hours she slaved away in there to redo her lines until satisfaction can be felt in the midst of her sleep diet, not an easy thing to accomplish. Jiyoung’s right, she knows he is but she’s not going to let this go without putting up a fight.
“The girls like it.” She announces proudly, rising to her feet and strutting over to the sound booth. “I’m going to go through with it, I don’t give a shit if you think its crap.”
“It’s not crap,” he interjects stiffly like it pains him to say so, “It’s just not what I would have expected from you.”
“Oh,” Chaerin’s voice raspy at the back of her throat but still rich with the punch of sarcasm she was aiming for,
“Surprise, now fuck off or get working.”
-
He has a new girlfriend, this wide eyed Japanese model - all skin and bones.
Of course, she is.
Chaerin can pin point what he sees in her, she knows him well and he knows that too. It’s something along the line of everything that’s not her - feminine floral, perfect glossy hair on the cover of glossy zines.
Yeah, so she sees it, Kiko, is girlfriend material.
She’s not. Chaerin’s admitting this to herself as some vulnerable honesty because she could use that. At least it makes for great writing material.
-
“Can you stop adding dub steps to every fucking song?”
Jiyoung glares under his bigger than life hat. “What would please you then? Huh?”
“Anything,” Chaerin pauses, massaging her temple, “Anything that’s not dub step, it’s getting old and over used.”
“You know what’s over used?” He asks rhetorically, rising to his feet and jabbing her shoulder with his fore finger.
“Auto tune and do we still use it? Hell yeah, Chaerin so stop picking apart everything I’m doing.”
Scoffing, she says, “You can’t even take criticism.”
“You aren’t giving me criticism -“
“Yes, I am!” She spins around, exploding into flickers of rage as she goes.
“No,” Jiyoung denies in that warning tone that Chaerin’s learn to not shudder at anymore, “No, you’re throwing insults -“
“And why would I do that?”
Silently but viciously, “Because you’re not over it - you’re not over me dumping you.”
(Jiyoung’s changed, she hasn’t - Chaerin knows that now)
-
He bristles through the studio the next day and bristles off when he sees her talking to Teddy in the booth.
Well, now Chaerin knows she’s not the one doing the avoiding.
-
“Have you spoken to Jiyoung?” Bom asks one day in the after math of a three hours dancing practice.
“Like chat to him or talked to him about work?” She asks back casually, leaning down to touch her toes.
“Uh…” The older girl hums, tying her hair up in a messy bun, “Both”
Averting her eyes, she mumbles, “Not recently.”
“Is that because you guys are being…you guys?” Bom asks, the pitch of her voice hinting that she has no idea what she’s talking about, “Or because our album’s really never going to see the light of day like everyone’s predicting?”
“What do you mean being ‘you guys’?”
“Like…really bitter - and stubborn.”
Chaerin raises her brows. “How?”
“I don’t know,” she brushes off, “Can’t really say - it’s like you’re not letting go and he’s worried about you for not letting go.”
“I’ve let go -“
“No,” Bom interrupts crisply, “Not really.”
-
On a Sunday morning, she guts up and asks Seungri who’s fucking around in the next booth.
“Come in” He hollers over the music, responding to the knocks on the door.
“Yeah, hey,” she greets and smiles back to his cheerful grin, “Do you know when Jiyong’s coming in today?”
“Nope,” Seungri says quickly, “He came in around earlier though - around two in the morning, three, something like that.”
“Why was he here that early?”
“He was producing some stuff, writing mostly.” Seungri says with a small yawn, stretching out his long limbs, “Hyung works hard, you know that already.”
She agrees but, “Jiyoung always bitch about how he doesn’t work well between midnight and five in the morning - says his head is all screwed up and everything.”
Seungri shrugs. “I don’t know, he left some writing material in there. You should go check it out.”
“’Kay,” she nods a little, retreating back from the door, “Thanks anyway.”
-
Jiyoung’s always hated her reading his stuff - it’s been like this since they were younger and she’s always respected him enough not to touch any of the crumpled papers he leaves lying around in her room (she threw them all out when they split).
But Chaerin likes to think that there are exceptions to every rule.
It was lying right there, above the sound check, on the equalizer - she just had to take it.
They were for her new album anyway, it was part of the production and he would need her approval before it could get anywhere near the album anyway. She had enough rationalizing fifteen minutes later and stuffed the whole stack in her bad like some amateur shop lifter.
There’s always that moment, when you start to fuss over whether you really want to see what you’re about to or not - like a horror story, you always want to get to the core of the mystery but it’s always hard to bear through the blood and gore.
It could be a diss song - tiring ex who clings on even after it’s over. Maybe it’s not about her at all, Chaerin doesn’t know if that would make her feel better or worse.
Eventually she rips the bandage - lays it all down on her bed and scans over the scrawny hand writing of a boy she never could give up on.
Cuz I’m so good to you yeah
You love her but her kiss is a lie
Cuz I’m so good to you yeah
you kiss her but your love is a lie
It’s pointless to try and compete with Jiyoung when he’s already writing her song for her.
-
They're spinning around in those chairs they always sit on in the studio, he's smoking and she's inhaling.
“Did you read it?”
She meets his eyes half way, warm but weary. “Yeah”
“Wha -“ He changes his mind, hides the soft spot, “Never mind.”
“It’s good.” Chaerin tells him earnestly.
“Yeah?”
There’s a smile, probably the only one he’ll ever get from her in a while. “Yeah”
“Does that mean you forgive me now?”
Chaerin thinks she won’t ever truly find it in her to forgive him, not necessary his fault but that’s just how she is - how she’s always been. “You were good to me too.”