No event / BYO aphro

[green_eye_demon]

Once, the green-eyed man had been a familiar sight around the hotel. Always polite, always smiling, he usually had a softly murmured greeting for people he passed in the hallway. If once caught him in the bar, he would smile that placid smile of his and offer nothing more than a simple game of cards, and even if he lost, there was that soft glint

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[despero_mihi]

[ The room was dark -- no, dim, that was the right word -- and the woman's pale bloated body swam in the shadows like a corpse beneath the surface of a lake. Seated on the bed, she gestured for him to enter, and close the door.

If the room looked familiar, it wasn't by accident. This was the bedroom of that tiny house just outside of Chang'an, and the bed she sat on was the one where Hakkai -- not Hakkai then, not yet, but no longer Gonou -- had laid as the wound in his belly knitted.

But all the little details that has made the room a home were gone. The television and the pile of unboxed pornographic VHS tapes, the clothing that never seemed to manage to get all the way into the dresser drawers, the hairbrush and the empty packs of cigarettes and the half-full glasses... everything that he had touched, gone. The room was bare, save for the bedframe and the old striped and stained mattress. And the woman.

If she really was a woman. ]

I've been waiting for you.

((ooc: CR only with this one! I never play sex with her.))

[green_eye_demon]

[ He saw the room first. For a moment, the sense of homecoming washed over him and in the back of his mind, he realized it was the first true emotion he'd felt in recent days. Unfortunately, that calm welcome passed as quickly as the breath left his lungs. He'd noticed the differences now and felt that same icy chill settle back over his barely stable mind.

Closing the door silently behind him, he stepped further into the room as his gaze finally fell on his new found companion. The tone of her skin brought back memories he prayed would stay buried and sent a fresh wash of nausea through him suddenly knotted stomach. ]

I feel as if I already know you, but I'm not sure of your name. Why?

[despero_mihi]

[ The wicked fishhook ring glinted on her finger as she reached out a hand to him. Come, the gesture said. Sit by my side. ]

You know me, Zhu Bajie.

[ Her Mandarin wasn't the common Beijing accent that Hakkai spoke, was it? Or Chang'an's Zhongyuan either. At first it had sounded so, but the way she pronounced his name -- one of his names, anyway -- was pure Lanyin. Gojyo's accent. ]

You've been mine from the beginning.

[green_eye_demon]

[For a moment, he held his ground. The last thing he wanted was to be close enough to that bloated body to touch it, but soon enough, he found himself moving closer. He paused beside the bed, watching her with tired eyes even as the wicked knot in his belly tightened at the sound, the feel of that familiar accent.]

I would prefer to be my own. I have no desire to belong to anyone else.

[despero_mihi]

[ Her hand, should he take it, is cool and dry. More like a snake's scales than a corpse's spongey give. There's no corpse-stink either. She might not be alive, but she's certainly not dead. ]

No, you have no desire anymore, do you?

[ The bedsprings barely creaked as she shifted her position, to better look him in the eye. ]

For a time, I thought you might fall that way, but no. Your path, Cho Gonou, is one of despair, not desire.

[ With a sigh of... pleasure? Relief? Despair ran the sharp hooked end of his ring across her chest, spilling brilliant red blood. It only dripped for a moment before turning dark and absorbing back into her skin, the gash in her flesh slowly closing. ]

[green_eye_demon]

[His fingers twitched at the sound of his old name. How many years had it been now? Time had a habit of slipping away these days, so he couldn't be sure, but in her voice, the name rang hollow and old and unnecessary.

Dull green eyes met her gaze without hesitation, shifting only to follow the motion of her hand. They lingered on the sight of bright blood beading along her skin, but where the sight of an injury would've made the old Hakkai offer his help, this Hakkai merely watched as the wound closed itself without assistance.]

I feel numb. Neither despair nor desire. I feel... nothing.

[despero_mihi]

Yes.

[ On another face, that smile might have been a threatening display of fangs. ]

I know. It's all gone now... your friends, your loves... your anger, your sorrow...

[ With a mother's gentleness, she reached out to caress his face. ]

Empty.

[green_eye_demon]

[For a moment, there's a flicker of something deep in Hakkai's good eye. He pulled back a bit, away from bother the smile and the gentle touch.]

I prefer that you don't touch me. I've felt enough cool flesh to last me a lifetime.

[despero_mihi]

[ Completely unoffended by his request, Despair folded her hands together across her broad breast and nodded at Hakkai. Outside, the light was fading; had there been any color in the sky, it would have seemed a normal sunset. But the world beyond the tiny room was greyscale, shapes indistinctly blurring into each other. The plum tree in the yard was nothing but a haze... the peony was a smudge of grey-on-grey in the growing black. ]

What will you do now? Will you end it?

[green_eye_demon]

[What an interesting couple of questions.

For a moment, there was a hint of a smile teasing at the corners of Hakkai's thin lips, but the look wasn't a happy one. It looked faintly bitter and wry and full of vague irritation. Another long moment of silence passed before he finally sat on the edge of the bed, hands held limp between his bent knees.]

I told someone I wouldn't do that. I try to keep from going back on my promises.

[despero_mihi]

You don't have to lie to me, Sa Hakkai. I can see what's left of your heart.

[green_eye_demon]

[That pulled his attention back to her, his gaze thoughtful.]

And what is left?

[despero_mihi]

[ Her hook tears through her lip like... no, there's nothing quite like the way flesh rips, is there? The skin protests, holding taut as long as it can, then giving way in a ragged line as the blood pours out and the gleaming red meat beneath glistens.

And she never stops smiling.

The blood is his answer, bright rubies spattering on her grey flesh, and lower, on the blue-and-white (and brown -- old, dead brown) striped mattress. Vibrant, arterial red, hanging in a long line like a lock of surprisingly soft hair.

There's still hope in your heart, Cho Hakkai. This place is magic, and you still hope to see him again. ]

Nothing.

[ But you never will. ]

[green_eye_demon]

[That was Hakkai's answer, but the answer reaffirmed something he'd been afraid to admit to himself. Even if he showed back up, Hakkai wasn't sure he could face him. Not after everything he'd done.

That was the despair Hakkai held on to.

He hadn't been enough to save the person that had saved him time and time again.

Once again, he watched her in silence, his eyes locked on the trail of bright blood.]

[despero_mihi]

[ No, he hadn't, had he? Over and over he'd failed to live up to the person he thought he was. Time and again, he'd proven himself unworthy of his attentions, of his admiration, of his love. He had continued to give it, because he was generous, and Hakkai had taken that generosity and fouled it. Even if he were to return...

...Ah. That was the source, wasn't it?

His despair was the finest wine, and Despair drank deeply. ]

If you could have one of them back...

[ Shark-like, her eyes bored into his, emotionless and cold as they followed every thought, every hint of expression that crossed Hakkai's face. ]

[green_eye_demon]

I don't deserve either. I never have.

[And once again, the bitter, hidden smile rose. He hated liars, but how hypocritical was that when he lied to himself with every breath? As hard as he'd tried to will his heart, it was still cracked and bleeding and it pained him far more than he'd let on, and not just for the redhead he missed so.]

I failed both of them. I slaughtered for one, then murdered the other. I have what I deserve.