Where Does the Good Go

[drownondryland]

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we move through five distinct stages of grief. The order might shift and we all express our loss in different ways, but the steps remain the same.It's been a while since Meredith's done this, standing in front of the bookshelf and carefully scanning row after

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[hylianqueen]

Zelda was rather used to the comings and goings in the Compound at night and while she knew that many of the island's residents sought refuge in the hundreds of huts that dotted the island, she didn't think she'd ever be one of them. After so many years of a solitary existence, making her way through the days as little more than a shadow, Zelda liked being surrounded with people and all their uncertainty.

When the other woman walked into the room, Zelda barely acknowledged her, engrossed in a book that detailed some sort of civil conflict in a country called America. She made a note to ask Juliet about it later, or perhaps Tom, someone who'd have knowledge of such earth history. Still, after a few moments of watching her hover at the bookshelves, Zelda put her own book down, mouth drawn into a concerned line.

"I apologize if I'm overstepping, but is something wrong? You look somewhat sad. Obviously, if it's not my place, please tell me, but if you'd like to talk, I don't mind listening."

[drownondryland]

The thing that kept that earnestness from being overwhelming was that it didn't strike Meredith as appallingly sweet. It wasn't pushy either, which was somewhat unexpected, and for a moment, she didn't know how to reply. "What?" she said after a second or two of blank silence. "Wh- I, I'm not sad. I'm not sad, I'm fine. But thank you. I think."

Except that was bullshit and she knew it. She had found her way back to being happy now and again, being content enough to forget sometimes that she'd lost Izzie and Cristina both, but that didn't mean the sorrow was gone and she was shit at hiding that. It was really more a surprise that someone else hadn't called her on it yet. "I was just... thinking about a friend."

[hylianqueen]

"Ah," Zelda said quietly, flashing the other woman a small smile. "I suppose thinking of friends can be melancholy at times, depending on the particular connotation of that friendship. I didn't mean to interrupt you or anything, I just wanted to be sure you were all right. I would hate to not say anything should you have truly needed it."

[drownondryland]

That was actually sweet. Meredith would never have dreamed of doing the same thing for a stranger, patients excepted, so it was weird, but sweet. "Uh, no," she said, "I guess not. Thanks, it's... you aren't interrupting. I was really kind of just... standing around. How's your book?"

She almost wanted to talk, just to put it out there, all the worry and frustration of losing Izzie at a time like this, but she'd always been more inclined to bottle up her emotions until the bottle got dropped and everything came flooding out.

[practicallyaguy]

Zoe did not dance. She'd done her duty to her half of the gender at the council party, worn a dress, got drunk and snagged answers of the guy she liked. A prom did not exactly excite her. It hadn't back in high school when she had had a more solid set of reasons to go. Now it just seemed sad.

"When it bites, it only hurts for a minute I swear," she said as she breezed into the rec room, on the hunt for some satisfyingly geek reading material. Now that she had the room to herself, she could use it as she saw fit until someone lost their mind and gave her a roommate. That meant two things: loud sex and comic books, the latter of which she as scoring more of.

[drownondryland]

"When what bites?" Meredith asked, glancing over at the girl as she swept across the room. She held the cylinder against her and wondered if she should have asked at all. It was possible the girl wasn't even talking to her - was drunk or just one of those people who talked to themselves. It wasn't like she wasn't guilty of that, too.

[practicallyaguy]

"The projector," Zoe clarified, waving at the machine in the corner. It didn't take a rocket scientist to go from cylinder to projector and figure out what had the potential for happening. That was for the best as physics had given her hives.

Five steps from the bookshelf and she turned to walk backwards towards it, her hands making claws as she snapped her teeth. It was a joke, that much was clear. "Proverbial bite, but a tough one none the less."

[drownondryland]

Meredith arched an eyebrow, nodding upwards. "Ah," she said, then managed a crooked, if grim smile. "Definitely a tough one, I know, but I think I'll survive it. The question is whether or not I should. It's all yours if you wanted it." That, at least, would settle the question for her, though she couldn't imagine she wouldn't at least take the film with her. She'd just wind up watching it later. She could delay, but she would always end up here.

[doubleomalley]

George was, to put it simply, not in the mood to go to any party that involved more than sitting around getting drunk. Dressing up for a themed dance was way too high school, and too much of a requirement. So, of course, the next best thing was raiding the kitchen for any leftover sweets and pastries he could find and wallow. Just as he'd been doing for the past few weeks.

Nothing tonight could have prepared George for hearing Izzie speaking as he was leaving the kitchen and he paused, pilfered pie-filled tupperware clutched between his hands, and listened.

You just did that because I have cancer. You didn't mean it.He barely remembered setting the pie back on the counter, or moving into the rec room to take in Izzie -- not the Izzie he knew, but the Izzie from a future George was never too naive to admit would eventually happen -- on the projector screen until, suddenly, Denny was talking. And Izzie was talking back, as if he weren't dead, or she hadn't spent months mourning him. The confusion was enough to jolt George out of his

[drownondryland]

"Me," Meredith said. "I am."

It hurt, it actually, physically hurt, to see Izzie like this. The treatment might have been working so far, but it wasn't enough, wasn't what it could have been if they had caught the cancer sooner, if they'd had the foreknowledge Meredith had tried to give her. Even that, though, hadn't numbed her enough to stop the rest of the hurt, the inevitable flood of confusion that came with standing there and watching herself and Derek, standing in a church, talking about their own impending wedding. Talking about getting married. Her and Derek.

It had been terrifying, if absurd, when he joked about it on the pier the day she'd fallen in the water, every half-serious proposal he'd made during their relationship sending her into either petulance or a total freak-out. Now it was just kind of bewildering and a little painful. She didn't want it, but to hear herself saying things like I'm excited about the marriage was just too surreal to allow for any proper reaction

[doubleomalley]

"But...why?"

Sure, Meredith and Sean seemed to be doing pretty well in the whole stable, long-term relationship thing, but George knew her. It would take her ages to be okay with getting married, if she ever was. Izzie being the happy bridesmaid, that George could understand.

That was barely half the question, and unimportant in the large scheme of things. George had better questions, such as why were they on TV where everyone could see, why Meredith was watching it, and why he couldn't look away, espeically when Callie appeared. As he made his way over to the nearest couch to sit down, he realized he'd given her less than a few moments thought in months -- and hadn't truly missed her until now.

[drownondryland]

"I don't know," Meredith said, voice climbing higher fast, breaking free of the placidity that had gripped her for the last several minutes. There had been a point, a brief while before everything had gone to hell - and several much shorter times after that - when she had, in her way, considered it, when she'd thought she would spend the rest of her life with Derek. That was it, that was as far as her thoughts got, and even that had been a big deal. Actually marrying him had never really been in the plans. Marrying at all wasn't really in the plans, no matter how much or how little anyone talked about wondering about the future. And still she felt like she should have known; she'd found that stupid ring in the elevator for a reason. She should have realized.

"I don't know, I don't know," she said again, and there it was, panic washing over her as she finally turned away from the screen to stare at George instead, wide-eyed. "Oh my god. Oh my god, I told you, he's going to show up here and think we're married. George, you missed it,

[noneoftherules]

"Hey." Within a moment of saying it, Sadie realizes that the tone of her greeting was far too bright and loud for the occasion. Though she's resolved to remain in a good mood (she can enjoy herself just as much in here as she could at some idiotic dance, and she'll prove it) it's clear that Meredith is nowhere near as happy as Sadie is pretending to be.

It's been a long time since Sadie was in any position to comfort Meredith, but like so many other things lately, she slips back into it easily enough, lowering herself into a seat nearby seat. "What are we watching?"

[drownondryland]

Meredith looks up at the still blank screen, film clutched tight in her hands, before she glances at Sadie. Yes or no, in or out, do it or don't. She isn't the kind to sit on her hands and do nothing, but she's not sure she wants to tell Sadie the truth about this either.

No, she has to, she has to do it. She can't stand here holding onto it and not tell her, it isn't fair or right, and anyway, it isn't as if Sadie has to watch herself. She left Meredith's life long before this story began.

"It's about me," she says finally. "It's... me. It's a television show. I was... I wanted to see if Izzie's okay and I can't even freaking hit play."

[noneoftherules]

There's no hiding the fact that Sadie is taken by surprise. She's been forced to live here long enough that it shouldn't shock her, but it does. You hear stories; you hear talk of these things, but never once do you suspect it'll happen to you. It's the same with the way that people tend to up an disappear - no woman actively tries to steel herself for the day she wakes up and her husband isn't in bed beside her. No one stands around wondering if they might be fictional.

But this is Meredith's dilemma, not Sadie's. It doesn't matter that her mind jumps to conclusions - if there's program about Meredith, there could easily be one about Sadie. What is Meredith were to find it? What if she were exposed as total fraud and a failure?

Sadie's eyes dart from Meredith to the film in her hands, and she decides that she needs to know, too. She has to see it so that she can believe it, so that she can know what to expect if it's her turn next. She holds her hands out for the film. "I'll hit it for you."

[drownondryland]

Meredith hesitates for a moment, then hands it over: Grey's Anatomy: S5E22 What a Difference a Day Makes printed neat and clear down the side, impersonal. This isn't her. She's tried before to tell herself that and every time she thinks it's sunk in at last, that this doesn't matter, that it isn't her life anymore, she finds herself back here, wondering, waffling, watching a life she'll never live, one she's not sure she wants. Or maybe she wants it desperately, but she can't pick and choose what she gets and what she leaves behind.

"I'm sorry," she says on an inhale, impulsive, truly regretful. "I should have said something, I should... I just never know how to tell anyone."

[missingthekeep]

With half of the island off carousing at another one of those little functions that Sean, while somewhat more tolerant of them than he used to be, would never be caught dead at without a damn good reason, tracking down Meredith is really just the most logical course of action. When he finds her in the rec room, though, looking even less festive than himself at the moment, his enthusiasm wanes a bit, if only because this place lends itself to having good reasons for that.

"Hey," he says, casual but with a question in his expression as he heads over.

[drownondryland]

Meredith tightens her grip on the film canister, turning toward him, instinctively guilty though she hasn't yet done anything. That, in turn, only prompts a flare of frustration. It's her own life; if anyone can watch it, it's her.

"Hey," she says, leaning over to kiss him quickly. The title is clearly marked and she has no way of hiding it that won't just draw more attention to the damn thing, but somehow she always feels like an idiot doing this around him. "I was just... What are you up to?"

[missingthekeep]

"Nae much. Lookin' f'r ye, actually," Sean answers with a shrug, never quite sure how he's supposed to play at this sort of thing. "I'd ask the same, but, well..." he trails off, making a vague gesture that at once calls attention to what she's holding while not actually acknowledging it directly.

[drownondryland]

Meredith looks away, still guilty and petulant at being made to feel that way. "I just wanted to see if she's okay," she says quietly. She has a right to know. Even if she's already fairly certain the answer can't be anything good, she has a right to find out, to follow up on her friends. Until now, though, she just hasn't had the strength to do it. Maybe she still doesn't.