Where Does the Good Go

[drownondryland]

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we move through five distinct stages of grief. The order might shift and we all express our loss in different ways, but the steps remain the same.It's been a while since Meredith's done this, standing in front of the bookshelf and carefully scanning row after

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[drownondryland]

"I don't know," Meredith said, voice climbing higher fast, breaking free of the placidity that had gripped her for the last several minutes. There had been a point, a brief while before everything had gone to hell - and several much shorter times after that - when she had, in her way, considered it, when she'd thought she would spend the rest of her life with Derek. That was it, that was as far as her thoughts got, and even that had been a big deal. Actually marrying him had never really been in the plans. Marrying at all wasn't really in the plans, no matter how much or how little anyone talked about wondering about the future. And still she felt like she should have known; she'd found that stupid ring in the elevator for a reason. She should have realized.

"I don't know, I don't know," she said again, and there it was, panic washing over her as she finally turned away from the screen to stare at George instead, wide-eyed. "Oh my god. Oh my god, I told you, he's going to show up here and think we're married. George, you missed it, you missed the part where I said marriage is exciting. I can't - what happened?"

[doubleomalley]

George turned to Meredith with wide eyes, glad for her panic if only for the distraction it caused.

"Maybe you had a horrible accident and were never the same again," he suggested. It was weak, but the first thing that came into his mind because he was right there with her, just with a lot less freaking out. "I don't know, but just the idea of it is weirding me out a little."

[drownondryland]

"You?" Meredith exclaimed, sitting down abruptly on the couch beside him. "You're not the one in a church!" And okay, it wasn't like she was opposed to the concept for marriage itself, just as it applied to her. These things were forever and she wasn't a forever kind of girl. Or anyway, she wasn't the kind who got forever. And rings and dresses and churches, it was all out of the question, and - oh god, people would probably call her Mrs. Shepherd, like she wasn't a person with her own identity or she hadn't actually earned that medical license after years of hard work, just an extension, a wife. Derek's wife. "This is so, so wrong."

[doubleomalley]

George held his hands up in surrender, knowing full well there really wasn't too much that could be any worse than Meredith getting married and being happy about it.

Except, of course, the part where she hadn't told him that they were, in fact, fictional characters living in some soap opera version of their lives, complete with happy music and dramatic scores as they went about trying to save lives.

"When were you going to tell me?"

He's quiet for the moment, saving the disappointment and anger for later. Because he knew, on some level, Meredith not telling him was the same as him not telling Izzie, when he had the chance. Staying quiet because they couldn't figure out the hows and whens of telling someone was something George was well-versed in.

[drownondryland]

That was about the only thing that could pull Meredith out of her own hurt and panic, the only thing to make her look over and actually see what she'd done. Again. She had a way of doing this all wrong, no matter who she told or didn't tell, no matter when. It just wasn't easy. It just never made sense.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I'm sorry. George, I... I know I should have, I was going to, I just... didn't know how." There was never a good time. Or, at least, there was always a good excuse, a reason he didn't yet need to hear it.

[doubleomalley]

"You could've just said it," George said, knowing he was practically overflowing with hypocrisy, but that didn't seem to matter. What mattered was feeling incredibly awkward watching Cristina and Hunt, something he knew he was only eventually supposed to hear about secondhand from Meredith.

"You know, just, 'George, our lives are a TV show just like Buffy,' and it would have been fine. I-- you should have told me."

[drownondryland]

"I know," Meredith said quietly. "I know I should have. I meant to, but... either everything was good for a change and we deserve some good, we deserve a little peace, or it was all... all falling apart. And we didn't need more."

Somewhere Izzie was dying, too sick almost to speak, and some future version of herself was whole and healed and getting married. These things were too much to handle, too much to tell. They shouldn't have known them, and still Meredith knew she couldn't stop watching, not completely.

[doubleomalley]

"Yeah, and the way things go with us, you know you never would have told me," he countered, looking away from the screen. It was getting a little too painful, seeing the hospital he'd grown to love so much. "It's like with Izzie. I waited for the right moment, and it never came, and now she's-- she's gone and she has cancer and you're getting married and..."

[drownondryland]

"Shut up," Meredith said, words coming out shriller than she would have liked as she hunched her shoulders. "Oh my god, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I know, George, I'm sorry, I am, and I should have told you, it was stupid, I'm sorry. And you should have told her. We made mistakes. I just... wish I didn't know." At least then she wouldn't have spent so much of her time hung up on what she was missing and what she couldn't change.

[doubleomalley]

George gestured wildly at the screen. "Then why are you watching it?"

Maybe, if he calmed down and thought about it for a few seconds he'd understand and even feel the same way, but if Meredith didn't want to know these things about her future, then he saw no reason why she should be watching that crap.

Even if said crap was his own life.

[drownondryland]

He had a point. It was a question Meredith keeps trying to answer, one even she asked herself, and right then, she had no reason, so she stood up and moves to turn it off. Her past was one thing, she could handle what she'd already lived; a future where she was excited to be getting married, that was entirely different. "I wanted to check on Izzie," she said. "To see if... to see if she remember, if, if something changed. If she was okay."

[doubleomalley]

"She's not okay," George said, sitting back heavily. That much was being made obvious by what they were watching, and while he knew where Meredith was coming from, it didn't make knowing any better.

In fact, knowing she wasn't getting better was almost as bad as not knowing in the first place.

A familiar knot found its way back into George's chest, and he pushed the palms of his hands into his eyes to try to keep some semblance of control over himself. "She's not okay and she's not - she has cancer, Meredith, what were we thinking? She's not going to be okay."

[drownondryland]

"We don't know that," Meredith said, the effort at calm only making her voice that bit more strained. It was strange and difficult to be the one trying to be optimistic, but for all that she hurt, George hurt, too. It was good to be realistic, but vital to make things better for him any way she could.

Sitting beside him, she draped an arm over his shoulder, pulled him close against her. "We don't know," she said again. "People do recover, people survive and Izzie - Izzie's a fighter. They'll take care of her. They'll fix this. She's in better hands there."

[doubleomalley]

George leaned into Meredith, grateful for the comfort if not the words. He was indulging in a completely selfish, completely stubborn moment of fear, and knew it would pass, given time. Honestly, he was just as bad as the girls, when it came to it.

"She has Shepherd," he said, the only inch he was going to give Meredith at the moment.

The sound of his own voice on the screen caught George's attention, and he glanced up again. "Work has a soundtrack now."

[drownondryland]

"Mm hmm," Meredith said, "yeah, we've got a soundtrack." She couldn't help it entirely, the reaction Derek's name produced when it came from someone else, even from George. Two and a half years here, and it still felt strange, like a dim kind of shock, to think of him, to hear him mentioned, weirder still when it came with the thought that at least some version of them had pulled it together enough to be getting married. All the same, if anyone could pull this off, if anyone could fix Izzie, Meredith felt sure it was him. "Do you want me to turn it off?"