may I have the freedom to choose (and all the information to choose wisely) - PART NINETEEN
PART EIGHTEEN
Kurt slowly came to consciousness still curled up the way he had when he’d fallen asleep. He was warm and comfortable and sleepy and there was really no reason for him to have woken up yet, just the empty, slightly cooler spot behind him where Blaine should be and the murmur of conversation nearby.
The murmur quickly turned heated, and Kurt was hard-pressed to stay as he was, but he knew Blaine wouldn’t welcome any interruptions right now. He must be talking to his mother; Kurt didn’t think he’d ever seen Blaine as openly angry as he’d been the night before. Not that Blaine didn’t get angry, far from it-Blaine had a temper, just like Kurt, which sometimes got them into trouble. The difference was that Blaine suppressed his anger, kept it hidden, until he could no longer hold it all in. Blaine did that with most emotions, actually. Kurt supposed it had to do with the way he grew up and his family’s business.
Kurt didn't hear anything from the other side of the phone conversation, but he did hear the sudden CRACK! of Blaine's cell phone hitting the wall and the loud "Fuck!" that followed. Kurt quickly shut his eyes, knowing that Blaine was now looking around guiltily, hoping that he hadn't woken Kurt up. After a few minutes, so as to not make Blaine feel guilty, Kurt faked waking up, sitting up with an only slightly exaggerated yawn and stretching his arms up over his head.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Blaine greeted him fondly, crossing the room to Kurt's bed. Kurt received an overly-affectionate kiss to the cheek which made him both roll his eyes and smile. Blaine was such a sweetheart. Sometimes dorkily so. "Sleep well?"
"Mmm. Well enough," Kurt said. "You?"
"I'm good," Blaine said. Kurt was startled by the slightly sly tone of voice Blaine used. It was almost as though--oh. "Great, even," Blaine added, his voice even deeper and raspier, his sex voice, and jesus Kurt hoped Blaine wasn't going to start talking like this all the time or he would never get anything done. And possibly spontaneously combust.
Blaine's fingers gently grasped Kurt's chin and turned Kurt's face to him. Kurt suddenly felt shy and looked away, his face flushing. He hadn't yet thought about what they'd done earlier, not really, and now Blaine was bringing it up (obliquely, to be sure) and Kurt couldn't help but remember how shamefully he'd acted. Kurt wasn't sure he could face Blaine again, not so soon, not after--
"Hey." Blaine's fingers snapped in front of Kurt's face, shocking him. "Look at me," Blaine said, and it was an order. Kurt hesitantly let his eyes flicker back to meet Blaine's. Blaine looked a little irritated, but mainly he looked like he always did, fond and adoring and ridiculously, over-the-top in love, with an underlying layer of sympathy. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Kurt."
Kurt jerked away from Blaine's grip and his words, getting up from the bed and heading over to his closet. "Of course I don't," he said, voice higher and sharper than he'd meant it to be.
"Kurt."
Kurt ignored the entreaty in Blaine's voice. If they didn't talk about it, then maybe it could be like it never happened. Kurt could pretend he'd never begged Blaine to do something, anything to him, could pretend he hadn't felt like he was melting, burning alive when Blaine had held him down, when Blaine made him--
"Baby, look at me."
Kurt deliberately busied himself flipping through hangers so he'd have an excuse not to turn around. Kurt so did not want to talk about this. Behind him, he heard Blaine sigh. "I'm going to go take a shower," his boyfriend said. Kurt waved a hand dismissively at him.
Blaine didn't leave, though. Instead, he stepped forward and rested his hand on Kurt's shoulder. It was a warm, heavy weight Kurt'd felt a million times before, but there was an added weight to it now. "We are going to talk about this, Kurt."
"Just go take your shower, Blaine," Kurt said, trying not to sound plaintive. Blaine sighed again, but the hand left Kurt’s shoulder and behind him he could hear Blaine’s receding footsteps. Kurt bit his lip and let himself stop for a moment, just to breathe and resituate himself. Blaine was probably right that they needed to talk about … whatever that was they had done earlier. It hadn’t been just sex, Kurt knew that. But not right now. Kurt couldn’t deal with thinking about it and all its possible implications, not right now. He had other, more pressing issues to worry about.
Okay. First things first. He needed to talk to Melissa Anderson himself. Kurt refused to be the cause of a division between Blaine and his mother. He absolutely refused. It was not going to happen.
There was, of course, no way in hell Blaine or anyone else would agree with Kurt’s doing so. Honestly, Kurt sometimes thought he needed to step up the bitch act or something, just so people would realize he could take care of himself. He had for a very long time, after all. Taken care of his father, too, since his dad was pretty hopeless at taking care of the house or cooking, things like that.
His father’s overprotectiveness he could understand, even appreciate. Carole was sweet enough about it that it didn’t really bother him, and even though Finn sometimes annoyed him since after all, where was he when Kurt was getting shoved into lockers and terrorized by neanderthals? Finn tried so hard to be a good brother (“Step-brother, Finn.” “Yeah! So we’re brothers now.” “Step-brothers, Finn.” “Should we, like, be fighting over the TV remote and stuff? Since we’re brothers and all?” “Step- never mind, Finn.”) that it was impossible to get too angry with him.
Blaine irritated him, though. Not that Blaine wanted to protect him, Kurt understood that. He felt the same way. What irritated Kurt was that Blaine seemed to think Kurt needed to be protected. He was getting better about it, but Blaine still sometimes treated Kurt as if just because Kurt was a year younger that he needed to be taken care of. Some of that, Kurt knew, was because of how messed up he’d been when they first met. He had been fragile then, so close to breaking, and he could understand how Blaine might’ve internalized that idea without ever even realizing it. Some of it, too, came from his upbringing. Blaine was used to always getting his way. He was used to being in charge, to being the one his peers looked to for instruction and answers.
Kurt wasn’t about to put up with being treated as less than an equal. Not from anyone, least of all his boyfriend. And Blaine knew that. He was learning to treat Kurt as an equal, slowly. Kurt tried to be patient with him, because he knew Blaine was trying. Blaine had never even realized what he’d been doing until Kurt sat him down to ream him out about it. Kurt knew Blaine thought of them as equals; he just didn’t always act like he did.
So Blaine would do something stupid and infuriating like forbid Kurt to go talk to his mother if he knew that’s what Kurt had planned. And then Kurt would have to have a fight with Blaine on top of the fight with Blaine’s mother, and honestly, that was stressful enough already. Discretion being the better part of valor and all that, Kurt thought it’d be easier just to sneak off later.
Kurt wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say to Blaine’s mother. Blaine seemed to think that she’d been ridiculous and completely out of line, but over the last year, Kurt had come to realize that Blaine’s idea of reality was sometimes somewhat skewed, particularly when it came to his family’s business. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that she’d been, in her own way, trying to be helpful. Melissa had never been cruel to Kurt before, not the way she had been the day before. Oh, she’d been snide occasionally, and sometimes sharp when she felt it was warranted during their lessons, but never cruel. She’d always been pretty agreeable, actually, if distant for the most part. She had a slightly wicked sense of humor which Kurt appreciated. And she seemed to delight in occasionally giving Kurt ammunition against Blaine in the form of baby pictures and stories of embarrassing childhood mishaps.
Her unusual coldness had made the entire thing even worse. Kurt had been all too happy to believe Blaine the night before when he’d called his mother crazy, but the more Kurt thought about it, now that he’d slept and was more rational, the more he suspected that there was at least some truth to what Melissa had told him.
Which was something else Kurt couldn’t think about right now. First he needed to fix his boyfriend’s relationship with his mother before it became irreparable.
Then, if Melissa had been telling the truth, well, then he could panic about that. Kurt already knew, though, that as much as the thought of what exactly it was the Andersons did horrified him, he was already in too deep. Blaine was everything. Kurt could never give him up, not willingly. He’d tried before, briefly, when he’d first realized the truth about the Anderson family business, and again when he realized that Blaine was the reason Karofsky had disappeared for three weeks before resurfacing comatose two states over.
He couldn’t do it then, and he wouldn’t be able to do it now. It scared him sometimes, just how much he loved Blaine. Kurt had told Blaine and Melisa both that he wouldn’t be able to kill someone, not even to protect Blaine, but the thing that had truly scared him, made him scrub the floors until he couldn’t see straight or stand on his own, made him practically a mental case, was that deep down, Kurt wasn’t sure that was true. What terrified Kurt more than anything else was that maybe, just maybe, to protect Blaine, he would be able to kill someone.
What kind of person did that make him?
PART TWENTY
Kurt slowly came to consciousness still curled up the way he had when he’d fallen asleep. He was warm and comfortable and sleepy and there was really no reason for him to have woken up yet, just the empty, slightly cooler spot behind him where Blaine should be and the murmur of conversation nearby.
The murmur quickly turned heated, and Kurt was hard-pressed to stay as he was, but he knew Blaine wouldn’t welcome any interruptions right now. He must be talking to his mother; Kurt didn’t think he’d ever seen Blaine as openly angry as he’d been the night before. Not that Blaine didn’t get angry, far from it-Blaine had a temper, just like Kurt, which sometimes got them into trouble. The difference was that Blaine suppressed his anger, kept it hidden, until he could no longer hold it all in. Blaine did that with most emotions, actually. Kurt supposed it had to do with the way he grew up and his family’s business.
Kurt didn't hear anything from the other side of the phone conversation, but he did hear the sudden CRACK! of Blaine's cell phone hitting the wall and the loud "Fuck!" that followed. Kurt quickly shut his eyes, knowing that Blaine was now looking around guiltily, hoping that he hadn't woken Kurt up. After a few minutes, so as to not make Blaine feel guilty, Kurt faked waking up, sitting up with an only slightly exaggerated yawn and stretching his arms up over his head.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Blaine greeted him fondly, crossing the room to Kurt's bed. Kurt received an overly-affectionate kiss to the cheek which made him both roll his eyes and smile. Blaine was such a sweetheart. Sometimes dorkily so. "Sleep well?"
"Mmm. Well enough," Kurt said. "You?"
"I'm good," Blaine said. Kurt was startled by the slightly sly tone of voice Blaine used. It was almost as though--oh. "Great, even," Blaine added, his voice even deeper and raspier, his sex voice, and jesus Kurt hoped Blaine wasn't going to start talking like this all the time or he would never get anything done. And possibly spontaneously combust.
Blaine's fingers gently grasped Kurt's chin and turned Kurt's face to him. Kurt suddenly felt shy and looked away, his face flushing. He hadn't yet thought about what they'd done earlier, not really, and now Blaine was bringing it up (obliquely, to be sure) and Kurt couldn't help but remember how shamefully he'd acted. Kurt wasn't sure he could face Blaine again, not so soon, not after--
"Hey." Blaine's fingers snapped in front of Kurt's face, shocking him. "Look at me," Blaine said, and it was an order. Kurt hesitantly let his eyes flicker back to meet Blaine's. Blaine looked a little irritated, but mainly he looked like he always did, fond and adoring and ridiculously, over-the-top in love, with an underlying layer of sympathy. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Kurt."
Kurt jerked away from Blaine's grip and his words, getting up from the bed and heading over to his closet. "Of course I don't," he said, voice higher and sharper than he'd meant it to be.
"Kurt."
Kurt ignored the entreaty in Blaine's voice. If they didn't talk about it, then maybe it could be like it never happened. Kurt could pretend he'd never begged Blaine to do something, anything to him, could pretend he hadn't felt like he was melting, burning alive when Blaine had held him down, when Blaine made him--
"Baby, look at me."
Kurt deliberately busied himself flipping through hangers so he'd have an excuse not to turn around. Kurt so did not want to talk about this. Behind him, he heard Blaine sigh. "I'm going to go take a shower," his boyfriend said. Kurt waved a hand dismissively at him.
Blaine didn't leave, though. Instead, he stepped forward and rested his hand on Kurt's shoulder. It was a warm, heavy weight Kurt'd felt a million times before, but there was an added weight to it now. "We are going to talk about this, Kurt."
"Just go take your shower, Blaine," Kurt said, trying not to sound plaintive. Blaine sighed again, but the hand left Kurt’s shoulder and behind him he could hear Blaine’s receding footsteps. Kurt bit his lip and let himself stop for a moment, just to breathe and resituate himself. Blaine was probably right that they needed to talk about … whatever that was they had done earlier. It hadn’t been just sex, Kurt knew that. But not right now. Kurt couldn’t deal with thinking about it and all its possible implications, not right now. He had other, more pressing issues to worry about.
Okay. First things first. He needed to talk to Melissa Anderson himself. Kurt refused to be the cause of a division between Blaine and his mother. He absolutely refused. It was not going to happen.
There was, of course, no way in hell Blaine or anyone else would agree with Kurt’s doing so. Honestly, Kurt sometimes thought he needed to step up the bitch act or something, just so people would realize he could take care of himself. He had for a very long time, after all. Taken care of his father, too, since his dad was pretty hopeless at taking care of the house or cooking, things like that.
His father’s overprotectiveness he could understand, even appreciate. Carole was sweet enough about it that it didn’t really bother him, and even though Finn sometimes annoyed him since after all, where was he when Kurt was getting shoved into lockers and terrorized by neanderthals? Finn tried so hard to be a good brother (“Step-brother, Finn.” “Yeah! So we’re brothers now.” “Step-brothers, Finn.” “Should we, like, be fighting over the TV remote and stuff? Since we’re brothers and all?” “Step- never mind, Finn.”) that it was impossible to get too angry with him.
Blaine irritated him, though. Not that Blaine wanted to protect him, Kurt understood that. He felt the same way. What irritated Kurt was that Blaine seemed to think Kurt needed to be protected. He was getting better about it, but Blaine still sometimes treated Kurt as if just because Kurt was a year younger that he needed to be taken care of. Some of that, Kurt knew, was because of how messed up he’d been when they first met. He had been fragile then, so close to breaking, and he could understand how Blaine might’ve internalized that idea without ever even realizing it. Some of it, too, came from his upbringing. Blaine was used to always getting his way. He was used to being in charge, to being the one his peers looked to for instruction and answers.
Kurt wasn’t about to put up with being treated as less than an equal. Not from anyone, least of all his boyfriend. And Blaine knew that. He was learning to treat Kurt as an equal, slowly. Kurt tried to be patient with him, because he knew Blaine was trying. Blaine had never even realized what he’d been doing until Kurt sat him down to ream him out about it. Kurt knew Blaine thought of them as equals; he just didn’t always act like he did.
So Blaine would do something stupid and infuriating like forbid Kurt to go talk to his mother if he knew that’s what Kurt had planned. And then Kurt would have to have a fight with Blaine on top of the fight with Blaine’s mother, and honestly, that was stressful enough already. Discretion being the better part of valor and all that, Kurt thought it’d be easier just to sneak off later.
Kurt wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say to Blaine’s mother. Blaine seemed to think that she’d been ridiculous and completely out of line, but over the last year, Kurt had come to realize that Blaine’s idea of reality was sometimes somewhat skewed, particularly when it came to his family’s business. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that she’d been, in her own way, trying to be helpful. Melissa had never been cruel to Kurt before, not the way she had been the day before. Oh, she’d been snide occasionally, and sometimes sharp when she felt it was warranted during their lessons, but never cruel. She’d always been pretty agreeable, actually, if distant for the most part. She had a slightly wicked sense of humor which Kurt appreciated. And she seemed to delight in occasionally giving Kurt ammunition against Blaine in the form of baby pictures and stories of embarrassing childhood mishaps.
Her unusual coldness had made the entire thing even worse. Kurt had been all too happy to believe Blaine the night before when he’d called his mother crazy, but the more Kurt thought about it, now that he’d slept and was more rational, the more he suspected that there was at least some truth to what Melissa had told him.
Which was something else Kurt couldn’t think about right now. First he needed to fix his boyfriend’s relationship with his mother before it became irreparable.
Then, if Melissa had been telling the truth, well, then he could panic about that. Kurt already knew, though, that as much as the thought of what exactly it was the Andersons did horrified him, he was already in too deep. Blaine was everything. Kurt could never give him up, not willingly. He’d tried before, briefly, when he’d first realized the truth about the Anderson family business, and again when he realized that Blaine was the reason Karofsky had disappeared for three weeks before resurfacing comatose two states over.
He couldn’t do it then, and he wouldn’t be able to do it now. It scared him sometimes, just how much he loved Blaine. Kurt had told Blaine and Melisa both that he wouldn’t be able to kill someone, not even to protect Blaine, but the thing that had truly scared him, made him scrub the floors until he couldn’t see straight or stand on his own, made him practically a mental case, was that deep down, Kurt wasn’t sure that was true. What terrified Kurt more than anything else was that maybe, just maybe, to protect Blaine, he would be able to kill someone.
What kind of person did that make him?
PART TWENTY