may I have the freedom to choose (and all the information to choose wisely) - PART TWENTY
PART NINETEEN
The sound of the shower shutting off distracted Kurt from his thoughts.
Blaine came out of the bathroom, towel drying his hair. Kurt was distracted by the other towel his boyfriend had wrapped low around his hips. It looked like it might fall off of its own accord any moment, if Kurt just stared at it long enough. Blaine looked up at him and from the smirk he gave, Kurt knew Blaine knew exactly what Kurt was thinking about.
"See something you like?" his boyfriend teased.
Kurt opened his mouth to flirt back, but suddenly Blaine was in his space and Kurt's mouth went dry; he couldn't speak. Blaine's hands were on his hips and they were gripping tightly enough that the pressure should have been uncomfortable. Blaine's eyes were searching Kurt's face--for what, Kurt didn't know--and his fingers shifted just a little and pressed down and oh! It was exactly where Blaine had held him down earlier, and it must have bruised, because it hurt and Kurt couldn't help it; he moaned. His goddamn boyfriend smirked again, that smug knowing smile that made Kurt want to smack him silly. Kurt tried to twist out of Blaine's hold, but his boyfriend wouldn't let him pull away.
Blaine knew he needed to force this issue now, before Kurt had the chance to lock it away in his own head and force it down where he didn't have to think about it. "I told you, baby. We need to talk."
He could see the panic flash across Kurt's face, and that was almost enough to make him relent--he hated to see Kurt look so scared. Almost enough, but not quite. Blaine somehow knew that this was too important for him to just let it go. "I know you like this," he pressed, wincing a little internally at the utter distress twisting across Kurt's face. "It's okay, Kurt," Blaine tried to reassure him. "Really, baby, it's okay. I promise."
Kurt shook his head wildly. "No, it's--I need to shower, Blaine." He again tried to pull away, but Blaine didn't let him go. Kurt hadn't yet said to stop or asked Blaine to let go, and Blaine was pretty sure that meant that Kurt knew too that they needed to talk about this, no matter how much he didn't want to. Perhaps it was easier for him, if he had the illusion of having no choice in the matter.
"We're talking about this," Blaine said again, and this time he made sure his tone made it clear that there was no getting out of this. Sure enough, Kurt relaxed into his hold, a defeated look on his face, but Blaine could see a hint of relief behind the defeat. Kurt might not even realize it himself, but somewhere inside, on a subconscious level, he must have recognized that this was what he needed.
"Why, Blaine? Why do we have to talk about -- it?"
Kurt's voice was plaintive, and Blaine couldn't help but kiss his cheek in reassurance as he backed them up toward the bed. This conversation would be easier if they were comfortable for it. "Because, baby, I love you."
"What does that have to do with this?" Kurt demanded.
Blaine thought for a moment, trying to think how best to say what he knew somewhere deep down. "Loving you means I want you to have everything you need, everything you want--I want you to be happy, baby, and that means during sex too." Kurt's face went red, as Blaine knew it would. He might not be the sex-afraid penguin anymore, but Kurt was not comfortable talking about anything to do with sex. The few times they'd had phone sex had helped, Blaine thought, but Kurt still was absolutely mortified whenever Blaine tried to talk to him about it in person. Which, actually...
Blaine coaxed Kurt to turn around and sit between Blaine's legs, facing the other direction. Maybe this would be easier if Kurt didn't have to look at him while they talked. Kurt automatically relaxed back against Blaine, and Blaine tucked his chin over his boyfriend’s shoulder, holding him close. “You like it when I hold you down,” Blaine said, and he could feel Kurt tense up, but he went on anyway. “And you like it when I tell you what to do.” He could feel Kurt getting ready to protest so Blaine squeezed him tightly in warning. “You do, Kurt. You like being good for me. And that’s okay, baby.” Blaine wet his lips unconsciously. “More than okay,” he said with a heated flashback to Kurt underneath him, so sexy and gorgeous and his. “I like taking care of you, baby; you know that.”
“I don’t need taking care of,” Kurt spit out, coiled up tightly like a snake about to pounce.
“No,” Blaine agreed. “You don’t. That’s what I like so much about it, Kurt. You don’t need me to take care of you; you let me take care of you.” Blaine pressed another soft kiss to the underside of Kurt’s jaw. “I-try to understand this, Kurt. You-you’re so strong, the strongest person I know. What you’ve done, the things you’ve survived-it’s amazing. You’re amazing. And I am so, so lucky to have you. I don’t pretend to understand why,” Blaine admitted, “I don’t know what you could possibly see in me, but I’m so very glad you do. And the fact that you let me take care of you, that you trust me enough to let me do that-that’s amazing.”
Kurt didn’t say anything, but Blaine knew he was listening. “And hot too,” he added, voice dropping a register. “I don’t think you can possibly understand how fucking hot it is, feeling you underneath me, seeing you react like that. I could see how good I was making you feel, baby, and that-God, you don’t even know how much that turns me on. You’re always so in control, Kurt, and earlier, you gave that control to me. I just-“ Blaine took a deep breath. It was stuffy in the basement. How had he never noticed that before? “You trusted me, baby, and maybe it’s selfish of me, but I want this. You were so into it, baby, even if you don’t want to admit it now, and I want to give you that. I want to get to make you feel like that. I want to get to take care of you, get to hold you down and love you the way you deserve, make you take it when you don’t think you can anymore and show you just how much you can take.” Kurt’s breath was shaky now. “That’s what I want, Kurt. I love you and I want this for you. For both of us.”
“Blaine, I-“Kurt paused, and Blaine could practically hear Kurt shoving down the beginnings of hysteria. “I can’t deal with this right now. Please,” Kurt said, and Blaine could hear the plea in his voice. “Not right now. I can’t. Not right now.”
Kurt felt Blaine’s slow nod against his cheek. “Okay, baby,” his boyfriend said quietly. “We’ve got time. We’re going at your pace, Kurt; I’ve told you that before. Just-think about it, okay? Remember all I just said, and think about it. Because this isn’t something we can just not talk about. What we did -- what I did, last night, that wasn’t safe. I should never have tied--”
“Blaine, please.” Kurt could feel his breath catching and tried to keep calm, but Blaine, stupid Blaine just kept going.
“--you up like that, not without talking to you first. I hope you understand how wrong of me it was to do that --
Kurt really, really did. Everything that had happened the night before had been wrong.
“--not because I was holding you down, but because I didn’t make sure I had your consent,” Blaine finished. “Do you understand what I’m saying, baby?”
No.
Kurt heard Blaine sigh again. “Just think about it, Kurt.”
Kurt didn’t want to, he really didn’t; he didn’t think he could face it. What Blaine had said had struck a chord somewhere deep down in Kurt, and that terrified him. He hadn’t been able to handle it. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to handle it. His mind skittered away from the topic of its own accord. There was this instant, shameful sense of wrong that ran through him whenever he tried to think about it. This couldn’t possibly be something he wanted. It had been a mistake, a fluke; that was all. Kurt just wanted them to forget about it and put it behind them and go back to kisses and romance and making love. Why did Blaine have to make everything so difficult? Holding him down, making him listen, telling Kurt he’d been good, so good, just perfect, baby, always so good for me and Kurt couldn’t stand it. But Blaine was just asking him to think about it, and he was giving him time, and being patient-Blaine was always so patient-and how could Kurt refuse him this? He nodded, reluctantly. “Not now, though,” Kurt pleaded. “I can’t -- not now.”
“Okay,” Blaine said quietly. “Not now. But later, okay?”
“Okay.” Kurt swallowed hard and forcefully pushed all thoughts of this (whatever it was) away. “I really do need to take a shower.” He did; he was disgusting right now. He smelled like sex and sweat and he swore he could feel himself breaking out just sitting there.
While Kurt was showering, he realized that Blaine would be expecting Kurt to try to talk to his mother. While Kurt really did not want to start the fight that was sure to follow, he knew that he’d have to let Blaine in on the plan.
Kurt walked out of his second shower of the day wearing nothing but a towel, which got him a flatteringly heated look from his now dressed boyfriend. “How about you, honey?” Kurt asked, cocking his head, hands on his hips. “You see something you like?”
Just as Blaine was about to pull down Kurt's towel, a knock came from the door to his room. Groaning softly, Kurt pulled away from Blaine and rolled his eyes. "Yes?"
"Kurt? Can you come upstairs, sweetie?" Carole called, knocking again lightly. "Mercedes is here, she was worried about you not showing up at school today...I figured you would want to talk to her."
He sighed and nodded, making a face at Blaine. "Yeah, Carole, I'll be up in a second, I just got out of the shower. Let me get dressed; then I'll be up." He slid his hands through Blaine's hair quickly, smirking at him slightly. "Hold that thought, honey?"
Blaine groaned, rolling his eyes and getting to his feet slowly. "I'll hold that thought if you promise to hold something else later." He made his way over to Kurt's bed, flopping down and closing his eyes.
"Your hand? Of course I will," Kurt said, smiling at Blaine over his shoulder, as he got dressed. "Also, I don't know what you think you're doing, but you aren't going to take a nap. I need you and your mob boss skillfulness."
"Why do I have the feeling that whatever is about to happen is a very, very bad idea, Kurt?" Blaine asked, sitting up and watching his boyfriend closely. "Like, we're talking everything that Helena Bonham Carter has ever worn on the red carpet levels of bad..."
"You shut your mouth, Blaine!" Kurt gasped, wheeling around and pointing an accusing finger at him. "Helena is a genius. She's breaking the mold of what's considered appropriate clothing for black tie events!"
Blaine sighed, nodding dutifully. "Yes, dear. I'm terribly sorry. I'll never insult the fashion forward thinking of Helena Bonham Carter again as long as I live, so help me Gaga," he deadpanned, smirking at Kurt playfully as he finished.
"Lose the sarcasm and you're almost forgiven," Kurt said, fussing with his hair for a second before turning around and kissing Blaine playfully. "Now, down to business: In half an hour, you're going to come upstairs and tell me that my phone is ringing. While I come downstairs to "answer my phone", you will be upstairs, charming the pants off of my mother and best friend. Understood?"
"Understood, all except for one thing...Why?" Blaine asked, tilting his head and looking at Kurt in confusion.
"Well, how else do you expect me to be able to sneak out of the house, Blaine?"
The ensuing fight was just as loud and large and terrible as Kurt had expected it to be.
By the end of it, the entire household was involved, with Kurt's father slightly red in the face and Mercedes looking at Kurt with her patented "hell to the no" expression.
Kurt had been expecting it, but still, it was annoying. Blaine made some truly infuriatingly condescending remarks that sounded very much like orders, and it took all of Kurt's self control to not absolutely eviscerate him for it. Blaine was upset; he should make allowances for that; and anyway he really did not have the time to fight with Blaine right now. They were going to talk about this later, though, because this was starting to become a pattern and not one Kurt liked. He was not some 1950s housewife, no matter how well he'd be able to pull off the Donna Reed look, and he wasn't a child either, and Blaine needed to stop treating him like one. It might come from a place of caring, but really? Just...no.
Kurt resisted, of course, since a quick capitulation would just rouse suspicion. It was a delicate balancing act--he had to argue enough to make his eventual agreement worth anything, but not so much that they (meaning Blaine, since Kurt's family was reassuringly terrible at sensing duplicity, despite all the practice with Kurt) would suspect it to be a sham.
Dinner was a stiff, quiet affair. The silences echoed loudly in the spaces left behind by the argument. Kurt was glad when he was finally able to excuse himself and go get ready for bed. Blaine didn't want to go home; he was still ridiculously angry with his mother, and Kurt didn't blame him. Kurt's dad said it would be fine for Blaine to spend the night again, but that he'd have to sleep on the couch this time. Kurt knew Blaine would be cranky tomorrow from the backache it would give him, but Blaine seemed to think it was worth it.
Maybe it was. Kurt certainly appreciated being woken with a kiss the next morning. He could get used to this.
PART TWENTY-ONE