FIC: Star Trek RPS -- Training Wheels (3/5)
Title: Training Wheels (3/5)
Author: the_deep_magic
Pairing: Pinto
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 6,171
Warnings: AU, angst, h/c, sexual dysfunction
Disclaimer: nothing pertaining to Chris or Zach is true, but the therapy described is real
Summary: surrogate (n): one appointed to act in place of another; a substitute
A/N: Finally, some NC-17, but maybe not exactly what you were expecting.
Part One / Part Two
Zach’s hands stilled on the hem of his shirt. “You’re not going to make me cry again, are you?”
“Oh god, I hope not,” Chris laughed, tugging off his socks. “If seeing me bare-ass naked makes you cry, I’m going to need therapy.”
“Doubt it’ll come to that,” Zach muttered, turning to discover that Chris’ smiley-face boxers were not an anomaly. His underwear was festooned with cartoon fish, all grinning manically. “So, we’re, uh…” Damn it, were those fish staring at him? “We’re going the full monty today?”
“Indubitably. We’re also going to do some more sensate-focused touching while we work on your vocabulary.”
“Chris, my vocabulary is positively impeccable.”
“Okay, Webster. Say ‘ballsack.’”
“What? I’m not going to say…” He trailed off, shaking his head.
“See? Your vocabulary. It needs work.”
“Are you telling me my emotional and sexual well-being hinge on my ability to say…” He took a deep breath. “…ballsack?”
Chris smirked. “That was difficult for you, wasn’t it?”
Zach rolled his eyes. “What’s your point?”
“Objective number four and a half,” Chris said. “You wanted to be more comfortable talking about sex. I’ve let that one slide a bit, so we’re going to pick up the slack today.” He still hadn’t taken off his boxers, but he sat down cross-legged on the bed and motioned for Zach to join him. “I just want to remind you that you’re in complete control here. If something feels uncomfortable or brings up bad stuff, don’t just suffer through it. Tell me. There’s no set agenda for anything that has to happen today, so if you want to stop, we’ll stop.”
“So… what exactly are we doing?”
“Just touching each other with our hands. We’re going to be naked, but I’d like it to remain nonsexual today. We’re not trying to arouse each other. I might get hard, I might not, but either way, it’s not your responsibility.”
"But eventually it will be, right?" Zach asked with a slight frown.
"No. Actually, this is something really important for you to know: you will never owe me anything, sexually speaking. I choose to touch you because I want to. I don't need or expect anything in return."
“Wait,” Zach said, “I thought sex was supposed to be a mutual thing. Giving and receiving.”
“It is. But what I’m trying to get away from is the scoreboard mentality. You know, I ‘give’ you an orgasm, therefore you’re required to ‘give’ me one in return. You got me hard, therefore you should get me off. When you start thinking like that is when problems start - anxiety, resentment, faulty expectations. The truth is that you’re really only responsible for your own body.”
“That sounds… pretty selfish.”
“It doesn’t have to be. You could actually think about it as selfless - you’re touching your partner out of love or desire or simply because you want to, not because you have the expectation of getting anything in return.”
“I guess that sort of makes sense.”
“It doesn’t all have to make perfect sense right now. Plus, I’m a firm believer that you have to learn how to receive pleasure before you can give it.” Chris grinned. “So, in that vein, I’m going to relax back over here, and you’re going to focus on how good I feel under your hands.”
With that, Chris stripped off his boxers and lay back against the pillows. Zach looked away for a moment, trying to get his embarrassment under control. “Take your time,” he heard Chris say softly. “But don’t be afraid to look. You’re not going to make me uncomfortable.”
After taking a few deep breaths, Zach turned back around to look at Chris, now stretched out completely naked on his back. His hands were folded beneath his head, his eyes closed; he looked completely at ease, almost ethereally beautiful. His chest rose and fell gently with each breath, and it took Zach a minute to talk himself into reaching out to touch
Zach expected the whole process to take a matter of minutes, but when he started to really focus on the sensations against his fingertips, there seemed to be more of Chris than he could explore in a week. He started at the delicate skin of Chris’ neck, intending to simply work his way downwards, but he soon realized he could feel the tiny vibrations of the breath that entered and left Chris’ body, the undulation of his throat when he swallowed, the silent rush of blood under his skin. Zach followed Chris’ pulse up both sides of his neck until it disappeared into his jaw. If he looked closely and the base of the neck, he could see Chris’ heartbeat tapping at the skin.
From there, Zach let his fingers lead him to the spare tufts of chest hair, lightly colored and so different from his own. Its sparseness made it feel coarser, an interruption in the smoothness of Chris’ skin beneath and when he tugged at it gently, Chris smiled. It took Zach a minute to decide whether or not to touch Chris’ nipples, but he figured it was alright as long as he wasn’t purposefully stimulating him. They were oddly cute, as nipples went, small and pink and the aureoles crinkled under his fingers as he ran them around the perimeter. He even pinched them lightly, though Chris playfully admonished him with a chiding “Zaa-aaach,” so he moved on.
He quickly learned that Chris’ sides were ticklish, especially along his ribs, so he didn’t spend as much time there as he might have liked - the sight of Chris squirming under his fingers was too much. Zach traced the bottom of Chris’ rib cage across his stomach with a fingertip, the path of his diaphragm deep under the skin. Chris’ belly was oddly fascinating, the skin petal soft save for the patch of fuzz beneath his navel. Zach spent some time prodding at his belly button, an odd combination of innie and outie that felt warmer than the skin around it.
So far, Zach had studiously avoided looking at anything belong Chris’ stomach, but he was getting to the point where it was inevitable. This was what they had been building up to for weeks now, and it was just a penis, for god’s sake. He took a deep breath and looked, keeping his hands still on Chris’ hips for the moment. Chris’ member was half-hard, and Zach was no connoisseur, but it looked to be a good size, like it would fit nicely in his hand. Chris’ pubic hair had been trimmed, but only slightly - his balls looked appealingly fuzzy and Zach had to stop from reaching down, learning what they would feel like resting in the palm of his hand. The strength of the impulse surprised him, but he let it pass. He’d have an opportunity soon enough, anyway.
His exploration of Chris’ legs went more quickly than the rest, but Zach did take his time with Chris’ feet. Zach had never really gotten the whole foot fetish thing, but Chris’ were so clean and neat that Zach could sort of see the appeal. Chris’ ankles were thin and bony, oddly delicate in comparison to the rest of him, his toes long and skinny. Trying not to tickle, Zach rubbed a thumb into the arch of each foot and Chris flexed them a little as he did, obviously enjoying the touch.
At length, Zach let Chris’ heels rest on the bed once more and sat back. Chris made no move to get up, so after a moment, Zach asked, “My turn?”
When he sat up, Chris was smiling impishly. “Thought you’d never ask.”
“You just can’t wait to get your hands on me, can you?”
“I already told you,” Chris said, scooting toward the foot of the bed so that Zach could take his place. “The pleasure is all mine. Though I am going to have to ask you to lose the underpants.”
“I don’t think I heard any asking just then,” Zach said, pleased with himself that he was able to banter lightheartedly with Chris even as he stuck his thumbs in the waistband of his underwear.
“Please take your underwear off, Zachary, for I wish to gaze upon your penis.”
Zach meant to laugh, but it came out as more of a choking sound, and he knew his cheeks were starting to grow red. “Ah, here we are,” Chris said, his voice light but not scornful. “The language barrier.”
“Chris, I can say ‘penis,’” Zach huffed, ignoring the flutter in the pit of his stomach.
“Sure you can, but can you talk about your penis?”
“What’s there to talk about?”
“Oh, plenty. I, for one, can expound quite elegantly on the subject.”
“I have absolutely no doubt about that.”
Chris grinned. “I’m not terribly fond of the word ‘penis’ myself. Too clinical and… I don’t know, weirdly sibilant. I like harder Germanic consonants like dick and cock. Cock is my favorite.”
Zach couldn’t help laughing. “Yeah, I figured that out after I saw all the Madonna in your CD collection.”
Chris punched him lightly on the arm. “Ha frickin’ ha, Quinto. Can we get back to cock now?”
“Why do I have the feeling you say that a lot?”
“Okay, fine,” Chris sighed playfully, leaning over Zach’s prone body to knead lightly at his shoulders. “We might be getting ahead of ourselves anyway, all this dick talk. Let’s start with something a little easier. How do you want me to touch you? Where do you want me to touch you?”
“Um, there’s good,” Zach said, eyes closing and upper body starting to relax under Chris’ ministrations. It felt so good that Zach was hardly even nervous.
“Where? I want you to get used to saying it, to asking for what you want.”
“My shoulders. Please keep rubbing my shoulders. And maybe my neck a little bit, too,” Zach murmured, pressing back into Chris’ hands the best he could.
“God, you are just starved for touch, aren’t you?” Chris asked quietly as his hands began to widen their path. After a few moments, he turned his attention to Zach’s neck, thumbs stroking gently from each side of his jaw down to his collarbone.
When Chris’ hands began to still, Zach figured the other man was probably waiting for further instructions. “My chest now.”
At that, Chris made a gleeful little sound, and Zach’s eyes flew open. Chris looked sheepish. “Sorry. Been wanting to really tangle my fingers in all this manly chest hair.” And he did, placing his spread hands beneath Zach’s pecs and rubbing upward, sifting the hair between his fingers. Zach had to chuckle, too - he had the distinct sensation he was being petted, and he was surprised to find that he really didn’t mind at all.
He minded so little, in fact, that he felt himself start to grow hard. Chris didn’t seem to notice, his eyes still fixed on Zach’s chest, so Zach tried as best he could to keep from wiggling and drawing attention to himself. But the gentle pout of concentration across Chris’ lips was getting to be more than Zach could bear, so he closed his eyes. He should have known, though, that Chris could feel Zach’s heart speed up under his hands.
“Good?” Chris asked softly.
“Y-yes.”
“Okay for me to keep going?”
“Yes.”
As Chris’ hands fanned out across his ribs, though, Zach started to get used to it, his erection flagging as the touch became more comforting than arousing. Chris rubbed Zach’s belly with a warm palm, his fingers tapping out unfamiliar but gentle rhythms against the taut skin. Zach smiled - Chris always made it so difficult for him to take things too seriously.
Zach tensed a little as Chris’ hands moved down his sides, but they bypassed his pelvis entirely and began broad sweeps up and down his thighs. He wasn’t rough, exactly, but nor did he treat Zach like he was fragile. His thumbs took in the shape of Zach’s kneecaps, and Zach gasped when Chris’ fingers grazed against the tender skin behind his knees. “Nice,” Chris chuckled.
Before Zach knew it, Chris had finished caressing Zach’s ankles and feet, and he felt a small pang of regret that it was over. But Chris moved back up the bed and stretched out with his head on the pillow, folding his hands over his stomach and sighing as contentedly as if he’d just been the one rubbed down.
“So, how was it?”
“It was…” Zach tried to process everything. “It wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be. Or, um, as arousing as I thought it would be.”
Chris didn’t look at all surprised. “Touching doesn’t always have to lead to sex.”
“Isn’t that what women are always complaining about?” Zach said, knowing was a lame and probably sexist thing to say the second it left his mouth. What did Zach know about women, anyway?
“It’s a good lesson for everyone. Erections don’t always have to lead to sex, either.”
Zach rolled his eyes. “Now that’s one thing I do know.”
“I mean,” Chris said patiently, “that you’re in control of your dick, not the other way around. Guys can use that as an excuse to pull some pretty stupid shit. Or they can try, anyway.” They fell silent for a moment before Chris continued, “that’s not to say that you can always literally control your dick, or whether you get hard or not. Just that your brain is entirely responsible for what you do with it.”
Zach bit his lip against a nervous laugh bubbling up in his throat. “What, you mean I don’t control my very own, uh, penis puppet?”
Chris let out an honest-to-god guffaw. “Holy crap, did you just say ‘penis puppet’? Wow, I was not expecting that. Didn’t even know you had it in you - pun definitely not intended.”
It was a little juvenile, but Zach was unable to keep from grinning - Chris laughed at my joke. He turned on his side to look at Chris, who was still on his back, gazing up at the ceiling, his face relaxed and happy. It made Zach’s heart start to pound all over again, and he couldn’t help but ask.
“I meant to ask you this earlier,” Zach said carefully. “Are we, um… are we allowed to kiss?”
Chris’ smile was gentle. “Do you want to kiss?”
“Very much. But it’s been so long I don’t know if I remember how.”
“You will. It’s all muscle memory - even if you can’t think it through, your body remembers.” Chris rolled up on his side to face Zach, bringing a hand up to cup Zach’s chin. “And I’m proud of you, asking for what you wanted just now.”
Zach smiled too, his eyes fixed on Chris’ lips. “Does that mean I can have anything I ask for?”
“Why Zachary Quinto, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were flirting with me.”
Zach shrugged, fully intending to retort with a witty comeback, but instead he found himself leaning forward until he could feel Chris’ breath against his lips. Despite his boldness, he suddenly stopped, unable to complete the motion, but Chris met him halfway, mouth soft and undemanding against Zach’s.
Chris stayed mostly still, obviously letting Zach set the pace. Zach tilted his head slightly, capturing Chris’ lips at an angle and employing what technique he could remember. It obviously pleased Chris, because he let out a hum of satisfaction and his lips curled up slightly at the corner. Zach leaned in again with a little more purpose, favoring Chris’ lower lip with his attention and Chris was right, it did come back to him. He even felt bold enough to cup a hand to Chris’ cheek, pulling him in closer.
They parted after a few minutes, and Zach took the time to study Chris’ face. “Am I-”
“Yes,” Chris said with conviction. “Perfectly.” His tongue poked out to quickly wet his lips, and Zach dove back in without any further hesitation.
Kissing was so much more intimate than he’d remembered; the feel of Chris’ breath against his skin made him dizzy. When Zach finally worked up the courage, he let his tongue slide gently across Chris’ lips, a tender invitation. Chris responded in kind, lightly pressing the tip of his own tongue to Zach’s. Their kiss remained playful, almost teasing, never going beyond the slide of lips and the barest hint of tongue. Zach actually laughed when he realized he was stretched out across a bed with another man, both of them naked, and the only points of contact between them were their lips and hands.
“Care to share with the class?” Chris murmured against his mouth, and the casual intimacy of it sent a light shiver down Zach’s spine.
“Nothing, really. I just can’t remember the last time I kissed anybody like this. No expectation of anything more, just kissing because I want to.”
“Do you like it?”
“Oh yes,” Zach sighed
Even though Zach might have wanted to, they couldn’t keep it up forever - Zach’s arm was starting to ache from supporting all his weight and their time was nearly up, anyway. With a final peck to Chris’ mouth, Zach relaxed back to the bed, lying on his back and shaking out his stiff arm as he got his breath back. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Chris do the same, and they lay like that, next to each other, almost but not quite touching.
“I, um…” Zach began after a moment. “I have another question.”
“Shoot.”
Zach took a deep breath - he hadn’t intended to actually ask, but in the moment he felt so close to Chris that it didn’t seem too personal. “Do your clients ever fall in love with you?”
He expected a quick laugh and a casual one-liner, but much to his surprise, Chris was silent for a long moment. “It’s happened.”
“Often?”
“More often than you’d think. Or, I don’t know, maybe just as often as you think.”
“How do you know?”
“Sometimes they admit to it, though even if they don’t, it’s actually pretty hard to miss. The tone of the sessions change. It’s like everything starts to mean something more than it does.”
Chris’ tone was so carefully modulated that Zach couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Despite the kiss they’d just shared, it was the most guarded Zach had ever seen him. “Do you have to end the therapy if that happens?”
“No, no. I usually try to address it, and we finish the sessions like we’ve planned. I’ve only had a few people try to cling on to it after our time is over. All my clients are also working closely with a psychologist, so that helps.”
“That’s…” Zach trailed off. He wanted to say something, to keep Chris talking, but he didn’t know how.
Eventually, though, Chris spoke up again. “It’s hard, I know. There’s not really a simple cultural construct for what I do, no easy roles to fall back on. And I never ask anyone to separate sex from love. I can’t always do it myself.”
Zach longed to know what that meant, but it felt like it would be too intrusive to ask Chris outright. But the question hovered right on his tongue - do you ever fall in love with your clients?
&&&
"You have an entire drawer full of those, don't you?" Zach sighed, staring at Chris' boxers. He’d seen quite the range over the past two weeks. Today it was dancing chili peppers, complete with HOT STUFF written across the butt. Zach would have appreciated them a lot more if he weren't so damn jumpy.
Chris laughed and nodded. "The best part is that I can write them off as a business expense."
"You gonna, uh, leave them on?" Zach asked, sitting primly on the edge of the bed.
"For now."
They'd been planning this for the past week - today was the day they were going beyond simple, nonsexual touch. Zach had thought that knowing in advance would make it easier, but now, he wasn't so sure.
"Hey," Chris said softly, reaching over to touch Zach's arm. "What are you thinking about?"
"Just, uh, nervous, I guess," Zach muttered.
"It's okay to be nervous," Chris said, now sitting on the bed behind Zach and gently rubbing his shoulders. "Just remember that we're not here to get off, or else. Whatever happens today, happens. And whatever doesn't, I don't want you to worry about that. And remember, you don't need to try to impress me. The only expectation I have for today is that we touch for a little while. How and what are up to you."
It was nice of him to say, but it didn't stamp down any of the butterflies in Zach's stomach. Everyone had expectations, whether they admitted it or not, and he didn't want to let Chris down. Zach couldn't help but want to impress him, or at least show that all their work so far hadn't been in vain.
Chris stretched out on the bed and Zach followed, propping up on his elbow to face Chris. "Relax," Chris said with a gentle smile, then leaned in and kissed him, softly and sweetly. Zach responded the best he could, but he was too preoccupied with what was about to happen to really get into it.
Chris sensed it and pulled back, running a hand through Zach's hair. "Okay, how do you want to start?"
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Zach said, "Um, can you start... like we usually do? And we'll go from there?"
Chris nodded, sitting up a little as Zach rolled onto his back. "I just want you to relax and feel, okay? Don't worry about anything but how my hands feel on your skin. I know I've said this before, but I just wanted to remind you - I might get aroused, I might not, but if I do, it's not your responsibility to do anything about it."
It all sounded good when Chris said it, but Zach was never quite able to get past the thought that it wasn't how the world really worked; you never got anything for free. But he wanted to get on with it, so he kept his mouth shut and tried to quiet his mind. Chris' hands started on his chest and spread out across his arms, spending the next few minutes gently tracing the muscles and tendons all the way out to Zach's fingers. The touch was familiar by now, not quite soothing, but not cause for alarm, either.
As the minutes passed in silence, Chris' hands worked their way down Zach's chest, fingers combing softly through the hair on his chest before moving lower to trace Zach's ribs. When Chris had made his way to Zach's stomach, thumb gently rubbing the hair beneath his navel up against the grain, Zach started to tense up again. But Chris skipped his groin area completely, resting his hands on Zach's thighs lightly before pressing strong fingers into the muscle. For a moment, when Chris was massaging Zach's calves, he forgot to be anxious, but when the hands left his legs and went up to rest on the waistband of his briefs, he tensed up again.
"Gonna take these off now," Chris said quietly. "That okay?"
Instead of answering verbally, Zach lifted his hips and let Chris slide his underwear down and off. Chris had seen his cock before, but this was different - he was actually going to touch it this time. Zach felt warm and lightly aroused from Chris' hands, but he wasn't hard yet, and having Chris' eyes fixed so firmly on his dick was more nerve-wracking than exciting.
But Chris surprised him by bending down and pressing a soft, wet kiss to the crest of Zach's hipbone. "I'm going to touch you now. If you want to close your eyes and focus on the sensations, that's fine. If you make noise, if you stay quiet - any reaction you have is okay. If there's something you want, something you need to tell me or ask me, please speak up. Are you ready?"
Zach nodded, but Chris said, "I want you to tell me. Say it out loud."
"Yes, I'm ready," Zach said, his voice sounding strangely far away in his own ears. "Please touch me."
He expected Chris to reach right for his cock, but instead, Chris rubbed his thumbs into the crease between Zach's thighs and hips, making the skin there tingle. He brushed a hand over Zach's dick, which was starting to swell, but first dipped below to cradle Zach's balls in his palm. When Chris finally wrapped his hand around Zach's cock, Zach gasped, arching up a little off the bed. Chris looked up into his eyes then, smiling indulgently. "Does that feel good?"
"Y-yes," Zach stammered. For so long, he'd had nothing but his own hand, and the novel sensation of Chris' grip on him sent his blood rushing south. Chris stroked him gently as his arousal grew, sending signal flares of pleasure up Zach's spine.
Chris' other hand wasn't idle, either. He rubbed a warm palm across Zach's belly, let it drift up to Zach's chest where his fingers played teasingly with Zach's nipples. Zach had never gotten much out of that, but it felt kind of... nice. Not insanely arousing, but not bad either. Zach watched Chris work and tried to relax back into the bed.
Chris' hands were strong, his grip was perfect, and Zach got into the rhythm he set, growing a little faster as Zach's cock stood at full attention. Chris varied his touch, sometimes jacking him with his thumb and forefinger, sometimes pressing his thumb into the sweet spot under the head, sometimes letting go of Zach's dick entirely to play with his balls. It went on for a few minutes... then another few minutes. Then, as Chris took Zach between the palms of his hands, Zach had the sudden thought that this wasn't going anywhere.
It still felt good - great, even - but he wasn't getting that build-up of sensation low in his gut that meant climax was getting close. Zach shut his eyes, hoping that would help him focus on the touch of Chris' hands. He thought hard about Chris, how gorgeous he was, how absolutely smoking hot. Those full lips, those luminous eyes. His ass, perfectly round shape visible despite the godawful underwear. Yeah, that was it, Chris' body, so hot under Zach's hands when he touched him, how that body would feel pressed against his, their limbs tangled together, the sweet friction of skin on skin, it was... it was...
It was not working, goddamn it. Zach had hit some kind of plateau and he just couldn't seem to get to the next level. He wanted it so bad, wanted to feel Chris' strong hands bring him to a good, hard orgasm, one that left him spent and grateful, but he wasn’t getting there. Maybe if he thrust up a little, got his hips working. Jesus, it was so frustrating, knowing it was out there but being unable to reach it. Just a little more. A little more.
Shit. Shit, he was losing it. The harder he tried to push at it, the more it drained away, until he was going soft in Chris' hands. He looked down his body and wanted to scream. No, fuck, it had felt so good, he wanted that feeling back, he'd settle for that plateau again, maybe eventually be able to come, but it was gone. Chris might as well be stroking Zach’s elbow for all the good it was doing now.
All this must have happened in a matter of seconds, because Chris relinquished his grip on Zach's softening dick and set his hands firmly on Zach's hips. "Zach? Talk to me."
"God, I don't know," Zach wailed. Chris' eyes were wide, starting to betray a hint of concern and Zach wanted to hide, just burrow under the covers and stay there until Chris went away. "One second it was good, it was fine, and then the next it was just gone."
"Hey, it's alright," Chris said, rubbing warmly at Zach's sides. "Arousal isn't always a straight climb. There are peaks and dips." He leaned forward and kissed Zach's stomach, the gesture so tender that Zach had to look away. "Want to try again?"
"I guess," Zach said, though he knew it wouldn't do any good. Sure enough, after two more agonizing minutes - Zach watched them tick by on the clock - of Chris' clever hands stroking his cock and massaging his balls, absolutely fuck-all had happened. His dick wasn't even starting to get hard, and he abruptly sat up and batted Chris' hands away.
Chris opened his mouth to speak, but Zach cut him off, "Don't you dare tell me that it's okay, this happens to a lot of guys."
"I was just going to say that I'd like to keep touching you. Not sexually, maybe, just like we did before, the sensate-focused touching."
"Why? Not like it'll do any fucking good."
That got Chris’ attention - Zach hardly ever swore, and he saw the other man flinch slightly. But then Chris reached out for him, a condescendingly patient little smile quirking on his lips. "Zach, an orgasm isn't necessarily the goal here. This is about teaching your body to feel good, and I don't want to-"
"No," Zach snapped, pushing Chris' hands away and reaching for his briefs where they were crumpled at the foot of the bed. "We're done for today."
"Zach," Chris sighed, and it grated on Zach's nerves like a buzzing mosquito. "You know you're in charge here, and I'll leave if you want me to, but I really think we ought to-"
"Leave," Zach said, trying to keep the nastiness out of his voice. He suddenly felt exhausted and wanted nothing more than to be left alone. He knew Chris was trying to help, but his presence was making Zach’s humiliation worse. "I'm sorry, Chris, I can't do any more today. I'll pay you for the full session, but I want you to go."
Chris nodded sadly, which just confirmed Zach’s need to be alone. They dressed quickly, Chris gathering up his things and heading for the door. He didn't even stop to acknowledge Noah, who bumped expectantly against his leg. "Zach," Chris said, his hand on the door knob. "I know you feel like you failed at something, but you didn't. This isn't always a linear process, and you know that. I'm leaving because you asked me to, not because I think it's the right thing to do. When you're ready to talk, please call me."
"Sure," Zach said neutrally, closing the door behind him.
Ignoring the dog's pitiful whining, Zach wandered back through the hall. He didn't consciously intend to end up back in the bedroom, but suddenly he was standing in front of the bed, the rumpled sheets practically mocking him. He flopped down, buried his face in a pillow, and screamed.
&&&
Their next meeting wasn't scheduled until after the weekend, and Zach waited until Monday afternoon to call. When Chris answered, it took Zach a second to find his voice.
"Chris?"
"That's me."
"It's Zach."
He braced for a long sigh, a What do you want now? but instead he got a bright, "Oh, hey Zach! Is this your landline? I didn’t recognize the number."
"It's okay. Um." Zach's brain stalled on him.
"What's up?"
"I just... I wanted to apologize. For Thursday. I shouldn't have kicked you out."
"No, you shouldn't," Chris said, but he said it lightly, and Zach could almost see the smile starting to curl his lips. "But I do understand. It's a stressful situation, and your fight-or-flight response generally tends toward flight. Which is lucky for me, I guess, but maybe not so good for you in the long run."
Zach mulled it over. It was pretty much true - most of his life was scheduled around avoiding confrontation. "I guess you're right about that.”
“Look, I know it’s something no guy ever wants to deal with, or even admit to, but it does happen. It’s happened to me before. I hope you know I don’t think any less of you for it.”
“Thanks,” Zach sighed. He did know on some level, but it was good to actually hear it. “Listen, I know you don't... What I mean is, if I promise I won't kick you out again, will you keep working with me? I think it's really been helpful to me, not counting last Thursday. If you have to raise your fee, I'll totally understand-"
"Whoa, Zach, it's okay. I was always going to keep working with you. Did you think I was going to drop you because of this?"
Even though Chris couldn't see him, Zach squirmed where he sat. "I... Maybe."
"No way. That would be like a dentist refusing to see you again because he found a cavity. This is what I do, Zach. Quite frankly, I'm amazed things have gone so smoothly up until now."
That stopped Zach in his mental tracks. What about their time together had gone smoothly? "Oh. Okay."
Chris sighed melodramatically. "What do I keep telling you?"
"Uh... I'm not responsible for your, uh, dick?"
"That too," Chris chuckled. "No, I mean the fact that you're not that-"
"-screwed up, I know."
"Do you?"
"I'm trying to believe it."
"That's all I ask. Hey, have you got a minute to talk?”
“I… yeah.”
“Good. Would you be comfortable telling me what was going through your mind the other day?”
“When I…”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know,” Zach sighed. “Not much. It felt really good at first, then, I don’t know, I hit some kind of wall. Like, the feeling wasn’t leading to anything more and I didn’t think I was going to, you know… come. And when I tried to force it, that’s when it started slipping away.”
“Force it?”
“Yeah, um.” Zach hesitated, remembering his fantasies of Chris. “I was trying to think about sexy stuff. Get in the right mindset, get myself turned on again.”
“But it didn’t work?”
“Obviously not.”
“Okay. Anything else you were thinking about?”
“No. I don’t think so.” Zach paused, but Chris didn’t fill the silence. “Was there something I was supposed to be thinking about?”
“Oh, no, nothing like that. I was just wondering, but I didn’t want to bring it up the other day, and I didn’t want to necessarily start our next session with it either, but… we haven’t talked much about what happened to you when you were younger. At all, in fact.”
“Oh,” said Zach, and then it clicked. “Oh. Yeah, I don’t… I mean, I talk about it with Dr. Patel sometimes. But I’ve been in counseling more or less steadily since the abuse stopped, and I feel like I’ve talked it to death. Obviously, it’s had some bearing on the person I am today, but…”
“I’m listening.”
“But it’s not something I think about day to day. I mean, sure, a lot of my issues are probably the result of or at least were made worse by my stepdad, but if you’re asking if that’s what I think about when you touch me, the answer is no.”
Chris was silent for a moment, then finally said, “Wow, that’s… exactly what I needed to know, actually. Which one of us is the therapist again?”
Zach smiled shakily, even though Chris couldn’t see it. “Sometimes I think other people have a harder time talking about it than I do.”
“You’re probably right. But as far as reaching that plateau, that’s actually pretty normal. Arousal is like falling asleep - it’s not something you can force. I don’t know that there’s necessarily a ‘right mindset,’ but there are plenty of thoughts that are not usually conducive to sex. ‘I absolutely have to come or I’ve failed’ is one of them.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t working so well.”
“Okay, good, something concrete to work on,” said Chris. “We're still on for tomorrow afternoon, right?"
"Uh, yeah. Two o'clock?"
"Yup."
"Are we going to… try that again?"
"Nope."
"No?" Zach didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed.
"Not unless you really want to. I'm not going to push for it just yet."
"So..."
"Strip Scrabble. Winner gives the loser a sensual massage."
"Wait, the loser gets the massage?”
"Loser's already naked," Chris said, as though it should be painfully obvious. "Plus, you want it that way because I'm totally going to kick your ass."
"You just keep telling yourself that."
"Oh, I will," Chris laughed. "I definitely look forward to it. See you tomorrow!"
"See you," Zach said, hanging up. Suddenly, he was looking forward to tomorrow, too.
Continue to part four