FIC: ST RPS -- I Need You So Much Closer (2/4)
Please see the Master Post for info, warnings, and author's notes.
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Part Three
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole
“Oh god,” Chris moaned. “Oh my sweet merciful god. In Pittsburgh, I thought I’d never get to have this again. I literally thought I was going to die without it.”
Sighing, Zach shook his head and took a delicate sip to keep from scalding his tongue. “Intelligentsia is better.”
“Blasphemer,” Chris said, cradling the cup as though it were a newborn kitten. “You were sent by the devil to tempt me away from this... this ambrosia.”
“I fucking drove you here, asshole,” Zach snorted.
“Thank you,” Chris said resentfully into the lip of his cup as he took what had to be an extremely painful gulp of his drink.
Zach was so concerned about the state of Chris’ tongue that Chris registered the flash before Zach did. Fuck it. Fuck it all, Zach thought. He’d been sure they’d be safe at night, or at least safer. Apparently not. “Chris,” Zach murmured under his breath, ducking his head against the collar of his jacket and looking over to see that Chris was doing the same.
But from what he could see of Chris’ face, he was barely holding it together. Since it was dark, the guy was close, pointing the flash directly in their faces. Zach had the fleeting hope that he’d take a few shots and leave them alone. But he obviously wasn’t satisfied with pictures of the tops of their heads.
“Hey Chris, Zach, you guys out on a late-night date?”
“Fuck off,” Chris mumbled, nearly tripping over a crack in the sidewalk. Zach instinctively moved to catch him, and Zach’s coffee hit the pavement in the process.
“Aw, that’s a shame,” said the pap. “But you two make a cute little couple. Not fucking what’s-her-name anymore, Chris? She not, uh, man enough for you?”
Zach could feel Chris go rigid next to him and he tried to hiss an ignore him, but it was too late. There was a small but unfortunately desperate segment of the paparazzi that would say anything they could to get a reaction. They seemed to have found one, and one in a particularly nasty mood, at that.
“That what you into now?” the pap laughed. “Fucking your co-star? Or maybe he’s fucking you. That what you like? Taking it up the ass?”
Chris looked up and made a sound that Zach had never heard from another human being in his life - he roared, and the arm holding his coffee reared back. For one terrible second, Zach was certain that Chris was going to throw the coffee right in the guy’s face, but he aimed for his shoes, instead, missing by centimeters.
The pap didn’t get angry - in fact, he seemed delighted, cackling snapping away as he jumped back from the spatter. Click flash. Click flash. Damn it, Chris was giving him just what he wanted. Star Trek Star Has Public Meltdown. Captain Kirk or Major Jerk?
Zach tried to tug him back. “Chris,” he muttered under his breath, “we need to turn around and go now.”
But Chris kept advancing on the pap, and when Zach tried to tighten his grip on Chris’ wrist, Chris shook him off with a force Zach hadn’t anticipated, and it nearly made him tumble forward.
“You son of a bitch,” Chris growled, arm still raised. “You fucking bottom-feeder. What in hell gives you the right-”
“Just doing my job, man. And you’re making it pretty easy, by the way.”
Chris was nearly in his face now. “Maybe I ought to make it a little harder. How much that fancy camera cost you? Better yet, how long would a broken trigger finger set you back?”
The guy stood his ground, no longer taking pictures but camera still at the ready. “Go ahead, man. You so much as touch me and I’ll sue you for assault so fucking fast.”
“Well, then I guess I’d better make it a real assault, then,” Chris said, and a bolt of actual fear shot down Zach’s stomach. Chris could be many, many things, and Zach had seen him angry plenty of times, but he’d never been afraid of Chris, of what he might do. But this Chris, whoever or whatever was taking over Chris’ body, was one genuinely scary motherfucker. Even the photographer, who was obviously a seasoned vet, was showing just the tiniest crinkle of fear at the corner of his eyes.
But Zach was not without his own training in being a scary motherfucker, and he used every bit of it. “Chris,” he said, in a tone that made it impossible for both Chris and the pap to ignore him. “This asshole isn’t worth it.”
Since Chris had turned to face Zach, the pap didn’t see the way Chris’ expression cracked like breaking glass, rage falling away to expose the fear beneath. Zach turned the full force of his gaze on the pap as Chris strode, robot-like, back down the sidewalk. No longer faced with an angry Chris and twenty feet from Zach, the guy had regained his bravado and laughed as he kept snapping pictures.
Zach waited a moment to make sure the guy wasn’t going to follow them - he’d obviously gotten whatever he was after. He turned and despite his slightly longer legs, had to walk quickly to catch up to Chris, who turned down the first side street he passed. When Zach joined him, he was standing with his back to the wall, arms around his chest, frozen in place.
“Chris?” Zach said, reaching out for him, wanting only to give comfort.
“Don’t touch me,” Chris snapped, but his voice was strangely emotionless. After a moment, he looked Zach in the eye. “I’m sorry. You were just helping me. But just… not right now. Take me home.”
“Okay,” Zach said carefully, replaying the incident in his head, the way he grabbed Chris’ arm, tried to drag him backward. He cringed internally. “I’m sorry, too. I could have handled that better.”
“Just take me home.”
“Yeah, of course. The car’s over there, though. You okay to cross the street?”
Chris gave him a strange look. “I’m not fucking crippled, Zach. I can cross the fucking street.”
“I just meant-”Zach began, but stopped himself, pushed his frustration down. “Of course you can. Hold on, let me check…” He stuck his head around the corner - no paps in sight, though of course that was no guarantee.
“Zach, just take me home.”
“Alright,” Zach said, squashing his impulse to reach for Chris’ hand. “Let’s go.”
&&&
“How bad was it?” Zach asked, pressing the phone to his shoulder as he unlocked his front door, arms full of grocery bags.
“Bad,” Chris said, his humorless chuckle flattened even more by the bad connection. “My people talked him out of trying to get a restraining order, but the site can publish the first few pictures of the two of us, before he started talking trash. And they’re going to mention the coffee throwing, as long as they make it clear that I wasn’t aiming for him.”
“That’s… not so bad,” Zach said, depositing the bags on the kitchen counter and heading to let Noah out of his crate.
“We can’t be seen together,” Chris replied, his voice neutral. “That comes straight from my agent.”
Despite the nuzzling from Noah, Zach felt his insides freeze. Chris was not ready to go through the whole day without him. “What do you say?”
“I say fuck my agent. I was thinking of firing him anyway.”
Zach kept his sigh of relief silent. “I wouldn’t go that far. Not just yet anyway.”
“Why the hell not? He acted like this whole thing was my fault, everything from provoking the pap to…”
“To?”
“The stuff he said.”
“Who, the pap?”
“Yeah. I need to be seen in public with Olivia more. ‘Walk around together with a box of condoms,’ he said. My agent, he actually said that. I told him I’d gladly fuck Olivia in a public place if that would help, but I’d probably better ask her permission first.”
Chris laughed harshly at that, but Zach’s mouth just dropped open. He knew Chris was upset, but this didn’t even sound like him. Not even when they were joking about Chris’ strange on-again, off-again relationship with Olivia, the one that was currently off, was he that crude.
When Zach didn’t fill the silence, Chris kept talking. “I don’t know; maybe I should do it. Prove my fucking masculinity, to myself even. You know I can’t even go into a public bathroom?”
“Oh, Chris…”
“I went to the bookstore - you know that one down by the cookie place? - thinking, ‘How bad can this be? Nothing threatening here.’ But then after half an hour, I had to take a piss. I opened the stall door, and I just… couldn’t go in. I stood there, Zach. I just stood in front of the goddamn bathroom door until some asshole shoved around me and went in. I had to speed to make it home just so I wouldn’t wet my pants. Now tell me exactly how manly that is.”
Zach was sitting on the floor in front of Noah’s crate by now, alternately petting the dog and pushing his snout out of the way when he tried to go for kisses. “That’s normal, Chris.”
“Normal? Are you fucking serious?”
“I meant it’s expected. It’s understandable.”
“Not to anyone who wasn’t…” Despite the sharpness in his voice, Chris trailed off for a moment. “…in a public bathroom. Which is pretty much everyone. I just wasn’t expecting it to apply to all public bathrooms, including the ones that don’t reek of piss and beer.”
Zach chewed his lower lip. “I don’t know what to say, Chris. It happens. We can start slow if you want. Try it again while I’m there, see if you can just get into the bathroom, don’t worry about using it. Or, well… you can plan around it.”
“Yeah, great. Just… don’t drink anything if I’m ever planning to leave the house. Perfect.”
Remembering the water bottles that Chris was so fond of carrying around with him, Zach said, “It wouldn’t be forever. Just right now, through the worst of it.”
“Uh-huh,” Chris said, but Zach wasn’t sure Chris had heard him. He waited for some kind of oppositional retort, but it didn’t come.
“You want me to come over? I’ve got some groceries to put away, but I think I can-”
“No, don’t worry about it.”
“It’s not a problem. I was going to Skype with Victor in about an hour, but I can do it from your place if you-”
“I said no.”
That stopped Zach dead in his tracks. “Oh. Okay. No problem. Just… call me if you need anything, alright? I can come over if you want me to.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Chris…”
But Chris had already hung up the phone. Zach stared at the “Call Ended” on his screen as he gave up pushing Noah away and let him lick at his face. Despite Noah’s affection, it was a strangely melancholy moment. Chris had just cut him off. Just like that. Chris.
Part Four
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands where no islands should go
“Why are you fighting me so hard on this?” Zach demanded.
“Because I feel fine.”
Zach sighed heavily, balling his hand into a fist at his side. “That insults your intelligence even more than it does mine.”
“You know why.”
He did. He knew entirely too well. “You’re scared.”
“Holy shit, we have Sigmund fucking Freud in the house! I’m not scared, Zachary, I’m terrified,” Chris shouted.
“So get it over with. It’s been over six weeks now - it’s time.”
“I’ll do it eventually, alright? Just not now.”
“You’re honestly okay with not knowing?”
“A lot fucking happier than I will be if…” Chris couldn’t even finish the sentence. Neither could Zach.
They’d been having variations on this argument for days; there was really nothing new to say. But Zach took a deep breath and tried a different tack, lowering his voice to an approximation of soothing. “Chris, I have been trying really hard not to push you, to let you do things at your own pace, but this is nonnegotiable, alright? Look, it’ll be okay. I’ll go with you.”
“And what, hold my hand? You know, I’m getting pretty fucking sick of all this mothering.”
“Mothering?” Zach repeated dumbly.
“You never give me a moment to myself! You’re over here most of the time, and when you’re not, you’re calling me every five minutes to make sure I haven’t stubbed my toe. I can’t fucking breathe without you asking me if I’m okay.”
“I’m just trying to look out for you.”
“You don’t think I can do that for myself? You were the one insisting I wasn’t broken!”
Zach groaned, exasperated. How could Chris not see his own denial? “You aren’t broken!”
“Well, I fucking might be, right? That’s what you’re trying to tell me?”
“Look, I’m going to be here for you no matter what happens, no matter what shit you try to say to me. I’m just trying to give you some support.”
“It’s patronizing, is what it is. Thank you, wise and all-knowing Zach, but I think I’m going to start making decisions for myself now.” Chris started to storm towards the door.
“Don’t you run away from this!” Zach yelled, knowing the moment it left his lips that it was precisely the wrong thing to say.
Chris turned on him like a cornered animal. “I feel like taking a walk,” he growled between gritted teeth. And slammed the door on his way out.
&
Four days. He had left Chris’ house while Chris was out for his “walk” and hadn’t talked to him in four days. Zach was close to tearing his hair out.
Before that, they had been talking every day, and usually seeing each other in person. For the first day, maybe day and a half, Zach had been so angry that he wouldn’t have even answered the phone if Chris had called. Which he hadn’t. Once Zach had calmed down, he started calling and leaving messages. He spent most of the third day trying to convince himself that Chris needed his space, but now he was seriously considering driving over there just to make sure Chris wasn’t dead in a gutter somewhere.
Zach grabbed his keys off the end table, but then stood there for a few moments, flipping them idly around his finger. He wanted Chris to know he was serious about this, and if the only way of doing so was by keeping his distance, he would bear it out, so he set his keys back on the table. Then picked them up again - standing around waiting wasn’t going to convince Chris of anything. Halfway to the door, he froze. Was he really being overbearing? Was it just making an already terrible situation worse? No, no, he was in the right, damn it. If Chris would just fucking listen-
He was so deep in his own head that the loud knocking nearly made him jump out of his skin. He didn’t even bother to look through the peephole, just yanked the door open, pretty damn sure who would be on the other side. Sure enough, it was Chris, eyes red and sickly like Zach hadn’t seen them since the night Chris had first told him about all this. Zach nearly went to pieces at the sight.
“It came back negative,” Chris said brokenly, shoving a crumpled piece of paper into Zach’s hand. “I’m clean.”
“Jesus,” Zach groaned, yanking Chris through the doorway and wrapping his arms tightly around him, though his own knees could barely hold him up. “Oh my god, Chris, I’m so… Oh, thank god.”
It was several more seconds before Zach regained the presence of mind to shut the front door, lead Chris into the living room, and sit him down on the couch, whereupon Zach promptly pulled him into his arms again.
“I’m sorry,” Chris sniffled against his shoulder. “I had blood drawn yesterday and went back to pick up the results today. I’ll have to have more tests in the next few months, but they said most people show the antibodies after about a month. You were right; I should’ve done it sooner.”
“Shhh, doesn’t matter now.” Zach rubbed his friend’s back soothingly. “I’m so proud of you. I’m just sorry I wasn’t with you. Were you by yourself?”
“Yeah,” murmured Chris, so softly that Zach could barely hear him. He began to tremble.
“God, Chris, I’m so sorry.”
“’s okay. I just… I kind of wanted to be alone. In case…” Chris trailed off, and Zach hugged him even tighter.
“I’m not mad at you, not at all. You don’t have to hide from me. I’m sorry if I made you think that.”
“Don’t apologize. I should’ve listened to you. I was so scared.”
“I know,” Zach whispered, near tears himself. The anger had been the only thing holding them back. “I know.”
They sat there for a long time, each unwilling to let go of the other. Finally Zach had to pull back enough to stretch his stiff neck, and Chris slid back to lean against the cushions. Zach took that moment to smooth out the crumpled paper still in his hands; it was the test results. Syphilis, gonorrhea, hep C, HIV - all negative.
“I’m thinking of having it framed,” Chris muttered, the faintest of smiles hovering on his lips. “Or putting it on the fridge at least.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I went to see Dr. Valdez yesterday morning, and she said-”
Zach chuckled and clapped a hand over his heart in mock indignation. “Are you telling me you took the word of a qualified psychiatric professional when you wouldn’t even listen to me, your best - and some would say hottest - friend?”
Chris looked down at his hands, not rising to the bait. “I’ve just been so angry, you know? And screaming into pillows only goes so far. I think I just wanted to hurt someone. You really haven’t been mothering me.”
It was Zach’s turn to squirm a little. “Yeah, I kind of have.”
The smile finally took hold and Chris said, “Maybe you have. Just a little bit.”
“Can I buy you some frozen yogurt to make up for it?”
“I don’t know,” Chris said, crinkling his nose. “Is this really the sort of thing you celebrate with wimpified ice cream?”
Zach smiled and took Chris’ hands. “Whatever you want, Chris. Anything. We’ll fly to Paris for raspberry crème brulee if you want it.”
Chris appeared to be lost in thought for so long that Zach was just about to speak up when Chris said, “Dammit, now all I can think about is frozen yogurt.”
&
It was dark by the time they got back to Zach’s house, but Chris still had to drive home. “Hey, you want to stay over?” Zach asked. He’d kept fresh sheets on the guest room bed, just in case.
“Thanks, but not tonight,” Chris said with a small smile, and Zach could tell it was genuine. “I’ve spent the past couple of days out of my mind with stress - I need to just go home, turn out all the lights, and sleep for fourteen hours.”
“Sounds good,” Zach said, pulling Chris into his arms again. They fit together so easily now, Zach’s hand around the small of Chris’ back, Chris’ nose pressed to Zach’s neck. “Call me tomorrow, okay?” Zach whispered, hoping he wasn’t being overbearing again. “I just… I like to hear from you.”
“Yeah, I will,” Chris said, squeezing once before letting go. “Bye.”
“Bye.”
Zach shut the door and locked it, then went in search of Noah, who would need to go out soon. Before Zach could find him, he saw the wrinkled sheet of paper still lying on the couch.
It hit him as surely as a bat to the back of the knees. As much as he’d begged Chris to get tested, he’d never really thought… never even let himself consider what could have happened. What those results might have said.
Zach was crying before his knees hit the floor.
&&&
Most of the drive went by in silence, Chris obviously trying to focus on the road and Zach fixated on the whiteness of Chris' knuckles as his fingers mercilessly gripped the steering wheel. He had tried to get Chris to relax, but Zach could hardly blame him. Chris had insisted on Zach accompanying him to his parents’ house, and Zach should have likewise insisted on driving. This was no idle social call.
After shifting the car into park in the driveway, Chris glanced at Zach a little helplessly. "I don't know if I can do this."
"You can," Zach said calmly. "It's time."
"It's just that... they're happy now, y'know? They think I'm happy. When I tell them, all that goes away, and they'll worry, and I'll feel bad for making them worry, and-"
"Do you really think they'd rather you keep your mouth shut and suffer? They love you, Chris. They'll want to take care of you, to help you in any way they can."
"Oh, god, what if my mom has a heart attack?"
"Chris, your mom could probably outrun both of us in a marathon. Definitely outrun you, considering your rate of bacon consumption," he added, trying to lighten the mood.
"I know everything's probably going to be fine, but... right now they don't know. And soon they will, and everything will change."
"Did everything change with me?"
"Well, no, but you're Zach. Zach the Ineffable."
"Hey, I'm totally effable." This got a smile out of Chris, and Zach decided to press his advantage. "Don't torture yourself. I'll be right there with you the whole time. Let's go."
With a deep breath, Chris opened the car door and got out, and Zach let out the breath he'd been holding. Chris preceded him up the driveway, but reached back to squeeze Zach's hand briefly before ringing the doorbell. Katie greeted him with a bear hug - obviously a Pine family trait. She went a little easier on Zach, who had only met her once before, but not much. He got another hug from Chris' mom and a friendly handshake from his dad. Zach could see into the kitchen, and dinner hadn't been put in the oven yet; Chris had purposefully asked to come over early, confiding in Zach that he didn't think he could play the happy son through the whole meal. Zach couldn't blame him - one look at Mrs. Pine's face and Zach was ready to blurt out everything. But he smiled through the pleasantries, taking a moment to think of his own mom. He made a mental note to call her soon.
It took a few tries, but Chris finally managed to get everyone in the living room at the same time. "What's going on, sweetie?" asked Mrs. Pine, folding a small stack of towels on the couch.
"Okay," said Chris, taking a few deep breaths and struggling to keep from squirming under his family's collective gaze. "Okay. I've rehearsed this a hundred times in my head, but I don't... Alright, the first thing you need to know is that I'm safe and healthy, remember that, and I've been talking to someone, and Zach's really been helping me out, and-"
"Chris," said Katie pointedly, an implicit command to stop babbling and get on with it. Mrs. Pine, sensing Chris' distress, set the towel down and went to sit between her daughter and her husband.
Chris glanced over to Zach for support, and Zach nodded kindly. With that, Chris launched into the story, and Zach was impressed by how calmly he related it. Having heard it before, Zach was able to focus on Chris' family. As he'd predicted, Mrs. Pine sat stoically as her husband clutched her hand and her daughter put an arm around her. Mr. Pine blanched a bit, and Katie looked ready to punch somebody. Zach envied that kind of family unity - he had never even considered telling his own mother. Somewhere along the line, he and Joe had made a silent pact to do anything they could to protect her from more pain.
When Chris had finished, his family asked the same questions Zach had - hospital, police, that sort of thing - then sat for a few moments in uncomfortable silence.
"You mean that fuckwad just gets away with this?" blurted Katie, and Zach had to bite down on an inappropriate, nervous laugh - though he didn't know Katie well, he'd never heard so much as a "hell" out of her before.
"I don't..." Chris paused, gathering his thoughts. "I don't remember many details, and I don't really want to go looking for him."
"But he raped you!"
"Katie," said Mr. Pine, shooting his daughter a look of warning.
“No, I’m sorry, but we’re all sitting around talking about this like Chris stubbed his toe. There is a man out there who drugged and raped my brother, and he’s not going to face any consequences?”
Chris’ face froze, and Zach could see him trying not to squirm. “Katie, believe me, I’ve thought of that, but I don’t even think I could identify the guy, and even if I could, if the press got wind of the story-”
“Why does the press matter? I know you think they’re after you, but-“
“I don’t think they’re after me,” Chris said, his face heating. “But the fact is-”
Zach couldn’t keep from speaking up. “Katie, Chris is-”
Katie’s gaze swung across the room to fix on Zach, and he was inevitably reminded of Chris stalking down that paparazzo. He made a mental note not to cross any of the Pines. “And what the hell is he even doing here?” she snapped.
Chris’ hands balled into fists at his sides, his knuckles turning white. “Zach is here because he’s my friend and I invited him.”
“So you’ve already told all your friends about this, and we’re finding out just now?”
“Zach is the only one I’ve told, and it’s because…” Chris stopped himself and glanced at Zach nervously. Though Zach didn’t mind Chris’ family knowing about his past, this was not the time to tell them. “Because he was there for me when I came back from Pittsburgh.”
“You didn’t think to maybe call your family?” Katie asked. “Two-thirds of whom are psychologists? You didn’t think that maybe we’d be a better-”
“Katherine. Christopher.” Mrs. Pine finally spoke up. “Stop this.” She turned her sharp gaze to Katie. “He's been through enough; he doesn't need you to remind him. And however he chooses to handle it, it’s his choice."
Katie sat in stunned silence for a moment before scrubbing her eyes with trembling hands. "Sorry. I'm so sorry, Chris. Not like I haven't had enough patients that... But it's different when it's family. Whatever you’re doing, if it’s working… You said you were talking to someone?"
Chris nodded. “Claudia Valdez.”
"Good,” Katie said. “I've heard she’s good."
Mrs. Pine spoke up. "What can we do, honey? Anything you need from us, just name it."
"Just, um, just knowing that you know, and still love me and all..."
"Of course we do," said Mr. Pine, and his wife and daughter both nodded.
"Maybe you should ask Zach," Chris said. "He's been taking care of me, and I'm sure he's getting sick of it."
All eyes turned to Zach, and he flushed under the attention. “Of course I'm not sick of it. Chris is doing really well and..." He trailed off, knowing he probably needed to tell a little bit of his own story. "Look, Chris came to me first because something similar happened to me in college, and I… well, I got through it. And I can tell you, he's holding up really well. He knows you all love him, he just needs to be reminded sometimes."
Mrs. Pine nodded. "Of course." She got up and went over to embrace Chris. "I love you so much, sweetie. Call anytime you need to hear it, day or night."
"I know, Mom," Chris said, holding the small woman tightly. "And I love you, too."
Mr. Pine and Katie followed suit, Katie giving Chris’ ear a tweak and whispering something Zach couldn’t hear, and Mrs. Pine used that time to hug Zach. "Thank you for taking care of him, Zachary."
"It's nothing, ma'am. He's a good friend."
"A good friend, yes," she said in a cryptic tone. "But it's not nothing. He's still my little boy, and I'm so thankful you've been there for him."
When Katie finally let go of Chris, he smiled sheepishly. "Well, I don't know that there's a graceful way to transition out of this, but I am getting hungry."
"Me, too," said Zach, fighting the urge to take Chris' hand and squeeze it with pride. Chris had done what Zach never could. Zach thought he might have to talk Katie out of flying to Pittsburgh with a machete in her checked baggage, but other than that, it looked like Chris now had three of the most important people in his life firmly on his side. When Zach glanced toward the kitchen, Chris was helping his father get dinner ready, and the smile on his face was small but genuine.
&
As if sensing Chris' need for a distraction, his family kept the conversation away from his recent revelation. Zach even got to hear a few stories about some of the more colorful Pine relatives. Chris' mother seemed very interested in Zach, his family, and his production company. But Zach was rarely averse to talking about himself, and Chris looked relieved to be out of the spotlight for a while. Eventually, after the dessert plates had been all but scraped clean, the conversation wound down.
"Chris, would you like to stay here tonight?" Mrs. Pine asked. "Zach's welcome to stay, too."
"Thanks, Mom, but I'm alright. I have a meeting tomorrow morning, and Zach's dog needs to be fed or he might start eating the couch stuffing again."
With another round of hugs, the Pines walked Chris and Zach out to the car. Mrs. Pine held Zach just a beat longer than he expected, then whispered, "Thank you again. He needs you more than you know." With that, she kissed him on the cheek, gave Chris a final squeeze, and let them get in the car.
Again, the drive was quiet, but it was a far less anxious silence than before. When they got to Chris' place, Zach followed him inside, only partly anticipating his friend’s collapse on the couch. Zach joined him, letting a hand rest comfortably on the other man's arm.
"How am I so exhausted?" asked Chris, absentmindedly plucking at the hem of his shirt.
"Your body just let go of a lot of tension - it's no wonder you're tired. You held up really well tonight."
“Mostly I'm just glad I told them. You can say 'I told you so' if you want."
"I'd love to, but Noah really might try to chew his way out of the crate if I don't get going." He was barely up off the couch before Chris' arms were around him.
"Thank you," Chris whispered. "For going with me. For everything."
Zach opened his mouth to make a wisecrack, but he stopped to consider the warmth of Chris' arms, the way his fingers dug slightly into Zach's skin, almost as if Chris was afraid Zach would try to get away from him. "You're welcome" was all he said.
Part Five
The people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
When Chris showed up for their Monday night TV movie marathon in his good jeans and a button-down shirt, Zach figured something was up. “I had no idea you felt the need to dress up for Steven Seagal movie night,” he said, eyebrows raised.
“I know you had your heart set on Mercenary for Justice,” Chris said, nearly bouncing on his toes with excitement, “but what would you think about going out?”
Zach was taken by surprise. As far as he could remember, Chris hadn’t said a word about wanting to hang out somewhere other than either of their houses. But more than that, he hadn’t seen Chris this excited since before… Well, since before. And Zach remembered the first time he’d had the courage to get himself cleaned up and go out with friends, how good it had felt, how empowering. “Did you have a place in mind?”
“My buddy Terry from college just moved down here with his girlfriend and he’s having a housewarming party.”
Zach crooked an eyebrow. “Straight guys have those?”
“It’s an excuse to have a bunch of people over and drink beer - of course they have those.”
“Beer?” Zach asked lightly. Lately, Chris hadn’t wanted to even be around alcohol, so perhaps this was progress.
“Yeah,” Chris said, biting his lip. “I think I’m ready. I really want to see Terry and there shouldn’t be too many shady characters there. I mean, I wouldn’t trust them with my stock portfolio or anything, but they should be okay. Plus, you’ll be there.”
He said it so confidently that Zach’s cheeks grew warm, though he couldn’t resist teasing Chris a bit. “Oh, really. And how do you know I’ll go?”
“Because you fucking hate Steven Seagal.”
“I do,” said Zach, lowering his head in defeat. Chris knew his weaknesses. “I tolerate him for your sake, but god help me, I hate him so much.”
&
“Okay,” Zach said from the passenger seat. “Totally mothering question right here. I know it and I’m sorry. You may punish me as you see fit. But did you, uh… did you go before we left?”
Chris laughed so hard he nearly ran through a stoplight. “Oh my god. Yes, Mom, I peed before we left the house. But I don’t think it’s going to be a problem - I know Terry, I know his bathroom won’t be dangerous. It’s not the same as… the other.”
“I… okay,” Zach said, trying to keep his voice neutral.
“And your punishment shall be… doing the Sylar finger for anyone that asks,” Chris said mischievously.
“Aw, c’mon.”
“Hey, it could be worse. I could make you do the Spock hand thingy.”
“It’s called the ta’al, and no amount of force is going to make me do it for anyone, no matter how good looking, at this party.”
“So I’m letting you off easy,” Chris said. “But if anyone asks you to cut out their brain, you have to do it.”
Zach slumped down in his seat with a pout, but really, he didn’t mind the Sylar finger nearly as much as the ta’al, and he had rarely been asked to slice off anyone’s skullcap since the movie came out.
Most of the drive went by quietly, though Zach could read nervousness in Chris’ fingers drumming lightly against the wheel. “Hey,” he said quietly, “do you think we should have some kind of signal? If you’re getting really uncomfortable and want to go. I can make something up to get us out of there, since you’re my ride.”
Chris’ laugh was gentler this time. “You mean like a Garden State ear tug? I dunno, I think I can deal with just saying goodbye to Terry and leaving if I have to. And if not, I can always just whisper to you, ‘Help, get me out of here.’”
He glanced over at Zach, who was trying to keep a vague sense of disappointment off his face. He’d thought it was a good idea. Chris grinned. “Alright, if I need to pull a Natalie Portman, I’ll tap my nose twice. Is that okay?”
That was completely fucking ridiculous and nigh impossible to do without drawing attention to himself, but Chris was only humoring him at this point, so Zach muttered an “alright” and tried not to sulk.
They had to park around the block, since a number of cars were already lined up in front of the house. Chris shut off the engine, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He glanced over at Zach. “Biofeedback breathing stuff,” he explained. “Do you mind?”
“Go for it,” Zach said. “I’ll give you a minute.” He climbed out of the car and started slowly up the sidewalk, staring up at the sky as if he could see any stars anywhere near L.A. Well, there was one bright something that didn’t seem to be an airplane. The brightest star, what was it, Sirius? Or maybe it was Venus. Zach thought he’d read somewhere that no object in the night sky was more often mistaken for a UFO than the planet Venus. Well, there was always the Griffith Observatory to go to and find out.
By that time, Chris had finished and was carefully pulling a box with a set of wineglasses out of the backseat. “Everyone brings wine as a housewarming gift,” he’d told Zach, “but nobody brings extra glasses to put it in.”
Zach had laughed. “Why did I ever think you were 100% straight?”
Immediately after he’d said it, Zach had worried that it might trigger Chris somehow, but Chris just laughed along with him and said, “More like 80%. But every now and again, I have to shop for something and that 20% says, ‘Ooh, that would go great with the flatware.’”
Together, they walked up to the front door. Terry turned out to be a short, red-haired, obviously Irish guy with a charming smile and a stunning girlfriend named Ramona. They both seemed to appreciate the wine glasses, Terry saying, “Finally, we have something to drink all the other gifts out of!”
Chris and Terry spent a few minutes catching up on the major things while Zach just went ahead and gave into his need to analyze the interior decoration. It was very tasteful, and he told Ramona so, which led to a conversation about wainscoting that was so stereotypically gay Zach was a little afraid there were sitcom cameras around.
But then the doorbell rang again, and Terry had to go play host all over again. “Drinks are in the kitchen,” Terry said as he scooted toward the door. “Help yourself to anything you like. I don’t know my pinot from my grigio, but Ramona assures me our guests have brought us a good selection of wine. Oh, but you were always a beer guy, weren’t you? Plenty of that, too.”
And then they were headed toward the kitchen, Chris leading the way, his back straighter than usual, but otherwise looking fairly casual. When they got there, a huge guy in an Oakland Raiders t-shirt was leaning over a cooler by the fridge. He looked up and saw Chris. “Hey, man, how’s it hanging?”
“Long, low, and to the right, as usual,” Chris said, and before Zach knew it, Chris was being enveloped in an enormous bro hug that left him obviously uncomfortable. Zach prepared himself for the nose tap, but Chris managed to get the smile back on his face. The guy had obviously noticed something was up, though.
He leaned back over the cooler and pulled out two bottles, popping the caps off with something on his keychain. “Have a beer.”
Chris froze. Even though they’d all seen the bottle being opened and knew nothing had been put into the drink, it was apparently too soon for Chris to drink alcohol again. Zach had never particularly liked the smell of most beer, but he couldn’t imagine what was going through Chris’ head.
Obviously misinterpreting Chris’ discomfort, the guy immediately went on the defensive. “What’s the matter with you, man? Our beer too cheap for you?”
Without stopping to think, Zach grabbed the beer out of the guy’s hand. “I’ll take that. He can’t - he’s DD-ing for me tonight.” With that, Zach took a long swig.
The guy shook his head. “Your friend’s kind of an asshole,” he muttered to Chris, not bothering to lower his voice very much, then wandered away.
Zach managed to wait a beat after the guy left the kitchen before contorting his face with disgust. “Holy shit, that might actually be bat piss.”
Chris doubled over with laughter. When he could speak again, he wheezed, “Oh, god, I can’t believe you just drank Miller Lite for me! That’s like the Quinto equivalent of taking a bullet to the chest.”
“Try the groin. Do they brew this shit in the sulfur cauldrons of hell, or what?”
Chris rolled his eyes playfully. “C’mon, we’ll see if they have something imported and suitably pretentious for you.”
“And we’ll get you some unidentified liquid in a red plastic cup so people leave you alone.” Zach started toward the fridge, but Chris set a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
&
Over the course of the evening, Zach met just about everyone - Terry, Ramona, Jeremy, Steve, Ravi, girl Jamie, boy Jamie, Narumi, Daniel, and Non-Pierced Mike, along with a few of their respective significant others. “I guess Pierced Mike couldn’t make it?” Zach had asked, mostly joking.
But Chris actually answered him. “Nope. Last I heard he moved to Bangladesh and is following some yogi around.”
“Of course he is.”
It took Zach a while to really place Chris among these people. They were a pretty diverse, eccentric group - not the gaggle of English majors Zach had been expecting. But they all had the air of people who were used to hiding their intelligence under other personas. Even Steve, the meathead who had tried to force the beer on Chris, eventually ended up in a heated argument with Ravi and Chris over the political instability in the Ukraine.
“Look, I just don’t think you can ignore the fact that the majority of the generation that’s in power right now still have a Soviet Communist mindset” said Chris sharply. “That doesn’t just go away overnight, or even over two decades.”
“You still get all flushed when something gets you riled up,” Steve said with a laugh. “That’s our BB.”
Zach couldn’t help but ask. “BB?”
Chris groaned but Ravi and Steve just laughed. “We call him Boy Band,” Steve explained, “because he’s just soooooo pretty.”
Chris had his face buried in his hands. “I hate you all.”
“Tell me more!” Zach said eagerly.
“He had his own little fanclub,” Ravi recounted with glee. “It was practically a rite of passage - every freshman girl in the theatre program had to fall hopelessly in love with him for at least a year.
“That’s a lie,” Chris mumbled through his fingers.
“Well, it’s not the whole truth,” Steve admitted. “Some of the guys fell in love with him, too.”
“You don’t say,” Zach muttered, shaking his head in feigned shock.
“It was a truly terrible time for him,” Ravi agreed. “Adrift in a sea of pussy and he was all gentlemanly about it.”
Steve laughed. “He turned down more girls in four years than I’ve dated in my entire life.”
“I had the same girlfriend for three of those years,” Chris said, planting his hands on his hips. Apparently, he had found his voice again. “And she was hot. Like, stupid hot, Zach, you don’t even know.”
Both Ravi and Steve rolled their eyes and sighed, “Melissa.”
“So that’s Melissa,” Zach said. He’d heard the name before, but all he knew was that Chris had dated her for a while in college. And she had absolutely stomped on his heart in the end. Zach figured he should probably change the subject. “So, gentlemen, tell me more about fresh-faced co-ed Chris…”
Time zipped by after that, and Zach got to hear some great stories about what went on in the study carrels in the Berkeley library, as well as an unsuccessful but passionate attempt to stage an all-nude Eugene Ionesco festival. But after a while, Chris started fidgeting. It wasn’t obvious, but Zach could tell by the way Chris was picking at his fingernails even more than usual that he was ready to go. “Well, I think it’s about that time,” Zach said, taking the burden off Chris to be the one to bring it up.
“You’re right,” Chris said, checking his watch. “Sorry, guys. It’s been amazing to catch up.”
As Chris was making the rounds to say goodbye, Steve pulled Zach aside. “Hey, man, sorry about what I said earlier. You’re a nice guy, and you and Chris seem really good together.”
Zach had definitely not expected that. “We, uh-”
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m assuming Chris still isn’t out or I’d have seen it mentioned in some of his interviews. Actually, he never exactly told me, either, but I had a feeling, especially after that bitch drove a spike through his heart junior year…” They both heard Chris laugh loudly off to the side and turned to look. After a moment, Steve turned back. “Anyway, I’m really glad he’s happy. All that paparazzi shit’s gotta be tough, and he’s never had the thickest skin, you know?”
Despite the fact that he should probably have been correcting Steve’s misconceptions, Zach found himself nodding. “I know.”
“Good,” Steve said with a grin, clapping Zach on the arm so hard he nearly fell over. “It was great to meet you. We’re trying to convince Terry to throw more of these parties, now that he’s got such sweet digs. Hope I’ll get to see you again.”
“Yeah, me too,” Zach said, and was surprised to realize that he meant it.
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