Exhibit B Week 5- Go Tell the Spartans

[thatssocory]

I'm actually thinking of making this story two or three parts long, so I would love to have some feedback one this one. Thanks.
The crimson bird landed on a branch which sprouted from a lone tree lining the edge of a cliff. The frothy waves of the sea battered the cliff-side rock and threatened to scale its ledge. The bird glanced at the sun,

Comments

[jem0000000]

I like it -- you've got strong dialog, clear motivations, and a good conflict for the plot to build on. :)

The only concrit note I have is that the amount of description right at the beginning doesn't quite keep up with the excellent pacing of the dialog bits. My suggestion would be to trim it up a bit, both for pacing and for clarity. If you're going for an action-focused story (and the dialog suggests that you will be), then you're going to need the faster pace anyway.

I think you've got a great premise here; it sounds like a fun adventure for the phoenixes, and I hope they get the kid out okay!

[halfshellvenus]

It's coming off as a bit dry to me, but perhaps other readers will not find it so? The birds are emotionally abstract from the story for much of it, which may be why it seems dry.

phoenixes, we are not the most subtle of creatures.
Hahaha! Excellently phrased. Because honestly, on the face of it, that does not at all seem a workable plan. Perhaps Helios has other, better minions for the job. :D

[xo_kizzy_xo]

I was going to say the same thing about coming off a bit dry :nodding: I think the premise, though, is great, but the birds need to be integrated more into the story as opposed to being abstract off-to-the-side narrators.

[fourzoas]

I'm interested in this, but I think you'll want to balance the telling with some showing; the birds seem to engage in a great deal of exposition that makes the story more abstract and "lesson-y" than I think you mean for it to be.

[cheshire23]

Bit of a cliffhanger you left us on...so now I do want to see more.