Songfic - 『 Vector 』
Title: Vector
Pairing: Akame
Summary: Do we try or should we just say goodbye?
♫♫♫ Told myself for a long time,
Don’t go there
You will only be sorry. ♫♫♫
KAT-TUN in their dressing room meant only one thing: chaos.
Mainly because of the ever hyper Junno playing his handheld games and Koki clobbering him for being so loud.
“Die!” Junno’s high-pitched yelled at his gameboy.
“Shut up!” Koki grouched from his corner.
Maru, who was sitted next to Koki, rubbed his forehead while Ueda grinned at Junno’s antics.
“You know what never ceases to amaze me?” Tatchan asked his youngest band mate.
“Hm?” Kame replied distractedly as he learned some changes in his lines for the play. “What does?”
“How Junno never changed over the years. He would still yell die while playing games.”
Kame snorted as he looked at his band mate. “And how Koki will go ballistic on him and throw things at Junno to shut him up?”
True to Kame’s statement, Koki took an apple from the center table and threw it at Junno’s head.
“Itai!” the gamer shouted in pain and turned to Koki. “What you do that for?!”
“To shut you up.” Koki snarled, but because he’s gotten used to Junno already, he didn’t really mean what he said and did. It was all just for appearance sake.
“You!” Junno threw the apple back and hit Koki’s crotch with it.
The two continued fighting with Maru half-heartedly trying to stop both of them.
Jin entered and surveyed the room for Ueda. “Where’s Tatchan?” when his gaze found Ueda next to Kame, he grunted. “Never mind.” He left the room and Kame felt hurt.
“You know...” Tatchan started.
“Hm?” Kame went back to reading his lines, forcing himself to ignore the stinging pain in his chest.
“I’ve always wondered why you couldn’t just say yes to him. You’re an idiot for saying no.” the ex-leader commented. “Maybe if you were together, we wouldn’t have this kind of tension in the band.”
Kame sighed. “I’ve wondered the same thing myself... but I can’t be together with him.”
“Why not?”
“I... don’t want to change things between us. If we broke up, it’ll be harder to handle.”
“Don’t you think the situation is much worse now? Especially since Jin knows you feel the same way he feels for you.”
“He’s... mistaken. His feelings for me... are not real. We’ve all been holed up here... a company where girls are not around... that’s why it’s affecting his judgment.” Kame whispered. “If... we got together... his dream of having kids will go down the drain...”
Ueda sighed. “You really care for him, huh? You’ve even thought about your future together.”
“Of course... that’s how I am. He won’t be happy with me. I’m sure he will regret being together with me someday... when he realizes that all of his friends have kids to play with... and then have grandchildren to spoil.” Kame was so deep in his monologue that he didn’t notice Jin coming back.
“You know, it’s not for you to judge if I will be happy with you in the future.” Jin commented with a raised eyebrow. “Is... is this what’s keeping you from saying yes?”
Kame’s face flushed. “You’re eavesdropping on a private conversation!”
“Excuse me. I’ll just... disappear.” Ueda said and he stood up. He got the hint to take the other members out of the room at Jin’s silent request.
The door to their dressing room banged with such intensity.
Kame felt weak with the accusing glare thrown in his way. “I’ll just... excuse me.” he tried to pass by Jin but the older man wouldn’t allow him to leave.
“Kame... Kazu. I love you. I’ve always loved you and I know you love me too. Why are you doing this to us?”
“Jin, we’ve had this conversation before. It’s not going to work between us.”
“Because you don’t want it to!” Jin shouted and suddenly embraced the startled younger man. “Please. It’s now... we’re in the present, not the future.”
“Jin...”
“Just give it a try with me. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll let you go...”
Kame eyes were tearing up. “That’s never the issue Jin... my concern is... if I can ever let you go if it doesn’t work out between us. I-if you leave me... I will never be able to move on.”
“Then don’t ever let me go.” Jin seriously said. He loosens his hold on the younger man and lifted Kame’s chin. “And for the record, I wasn’t planning on ever leaving you.”
Kame blinked and a tear drops from his misty eyes.
Jin fondly kisses the younger man’s nose. “Yatta! Guys! We’re together now!” he shouted in delight.
“Finally!” Koki muttered as he entered the room, a smile on his face.
Other members took their turns congratulating the new couple.
♫♫♫ Told myself so many times
I just had to take a look
In those faraway eyes...
In them, I saw a longing
For something
Maybe I couldn’t give you
Said it’s all in my mind
“It ain’t nothing.” ♫♫♫
“Jin?”
They were walking Pin and Ran in the park and Kame was eagerly telling Jin about the new part he got in a movie when he realized Jin was no longer paying attention to what he was saying.
“Jin!” Kame called out loudly. “Are you okay?” he worriedly asked when Jin just looked more dazed. He followed Jin’s stare and saw a family of four currently having a picnic. “Oh.” He mumbled as his heart raced.
Here it is, the very thing he was afraid of... Jin wishing to have a family... a family that Kame couldn’t give him.
“I’m sorry.” Jin said after a pregnant pause. “I was just...”
“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter.” Kame tried to smile. ‘Jin will not leave me... he said so himself.’ He thought.
Jin smiled. “Yes, it doesn’t. I love you and that will never change.”
Kame forced a smile back as he tried to believe that his fears were just a figment of his imagination.
♫♫♫ Don’t say that, don’t say that
Darling no, don’t say anything at all
Because I’ve seen it now
Can’t pretend anymore
“It ain’t nothing.” ♫♫♫
Yamapi wasn’t impressed at Jin when the older man said he wanted a child of his own. “You know... you can always adopt, right?”
“But that wouldn’t be the same... it’s not my own flesh and blood. I want my own kids, Pi.” Jin moped. “I want kids with Kazu-chan.”
“Well, that’s never going to happen unless Shuuji-kun suddenly grows a female reproductive system.” Yamapi patted Jin’s shoulders.
“Or I can make one myself.” Jin dreamily replied. “And... you know, keep it secret from Kame until the baby is born.” He carelessly commented and didn’t notice Kame coming home from the convenience store.
Until he heard something breaking, presumably the bottle of liquors he and Pi requested Kame buy.
“Kazu--” Jin started. He wanted to take back the words he said... but found he couldn’t.
Kame calmly deposited the other grocery bag he was holding to Pi’s arms and silently retreated to the music room. He let out the tears he had been holding back as soon as he locked the door.
♫♫♫ Do you know what I mean?
And have you seen it too?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know?
And I’ll do anything,
Just tell me what it means
Coz I can’t live in doubt anymore
Do we try or should we just say goodbye? ♫♫♫
Yamapi shook his head and reprimanded Jin. “I can’t believe what big of an asshole you are for saying those things when you swore you wouldn’t leave Kame.”
Jin glared at his best friend before taking off to talk to Kame.
“I’m going home.” Yamapi exclaimed after him.
Jin didn’t say his goodbyes. His suffering life mate is definitely more important than Yamapi! Reaching the music room, he knocked on the door but heard no reply from Kame. “Kazu?”
Inside the room, Kame leaned against the door and slowly dropped to the floor. “Just... give me time to... think, okay?”
“I... I didn’t mean what I said awhile ago.” Jin offered in a small voice. “You know my love for you is stronger than my dream to have a family... please believe me.”
‘I don’t know if I can still believe in that, Jin.’ Kame clutched his aching chest.
“K-Kazuya?”
“Please Jin. J-just... leave me alone for a while.”
Jin dejectedly followed Kame’s request and left the house.
♫♫♫ If you’d rather be somewhere
That’s not here
Then you just gotta tell me
Coz there’s so much more to life
Than pretending ♫♫♫
“Kame!” Koki yelled as he tried to find his younger band mate amidst the juniors scattered in the practice room.
“What?” Kame yelled back, exhaustion apparent in his voice.
Koki saw the younger man lying down on the small couch. “It’s... I-It’s Jin. He’s freaking out. There’s this girl outside the building claiming to be pregnant with Jin’s child.” It broke Koki to break the news to the younger man.
It was no secret that Kame had always been insecure not being able to give kids to Jin.
“P-Pregnant?” Kame didn’t know how to react.
“Just come with me. Jin-- he’s panicking because the girl wants to abort the baby.”
Kame got up in a start. “What?! She wants to abort the baby?”
Koki nodded. He led the younger man along the labyrinth called the JE building to one of the boardrooms.
“Please! Don’t abort our baby. Don’t be cruel!”
Kame could tell his life mate was in tears.
“You know I cannot carry this baby Jin!” the girl argued back.
“Why are you being so difficult?” Ueda asked. “Are you doing this because of money because if that’s what you’re after, we can give you a lump of it for you to carry Jin’s baby.”
“Are we even sure it’s Jin’s?” Junno tactlessly inquired.
When Kame and Koki entered the room, the youngest could see Jin’s guilt-stricken face.
“Kazu-- I-I can explain...” Jin started.
“Is it true?” Kame didn’t waste anytime more precious time. “D-did you and her?”
Jin bowed his head and nodded.
“When?”
“When... you asked me to leave the house because... when you heard me say something to Pi...”
Kame shook his head in disappointment but continued his interrogation. “Do you really want to keep this baby?”
“Hey, I told you, I’m aborting the baby. That’s why I came here. I want compensation for getting pregnant.” The woman interjected.
Kame ignored her, his eyes slanted into slits as they gazed Jin’s form. “Answer the question Jin. DO YOU FUCKING WANT TO KEEP THE BABY OR NOT?” he didn’t know if anyone noticed the hitch in his voice.
Jin nodded after what seemed to be an eternity.
♫♫♫ Don’t you know, don’t you know?
Darling for you, I’d do anything at all
I wanna be with you
But that look in your eyes
Tells me something ♫♫♫
Kame’s eyes, if even possible, narrowed further. In there, he made a decision. “Leave me and her alone.”
The five men stared at him in shock while the woman got even more nervous.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? Now!” he yelled out.
The boys scrambled to get out of the room. Jin lingered a little longer until Kazuya gave him a sharp glare to leave or else.
When the boys are gone, Kame closed the door and made sure to lock it. He was grateful the boardroom was soundproofed.
“W-what are you doing?” it was obvious the woman was scared of Kame.
“Sit.” Kame said in that iron-hand-in-velvet-glove voice. “I said sit down!” he repeated, with a little force this time and when the girl complied with his order, he sat down beside her. “Are you really pregnant?”
“Yes.”
“And it’s really Jin’s?”
“Yes! What the hell do you take me for?”
“Whatever I take you for is neither here nor there.” Kame stated as he stared the girl down. “I want you to keep the baby.”
“Who are you to--”
“Look lady, I can make things easier or harder for you. When I say you keep the baby, you keep the baby. Understand?”
“Are you threatening me?!” the woman screeched.
“I do not threat, miss. I do what I can to make my... loved ones happy. If keeping the baby you’re carrying makes Jin happy, I’ll do everything to make that happen.”
The woman sputtered, unable to say anything to contradict Kame.
“So do we have a deal or do I need someone to do my dirty work on you?”
The woman nodded mutely.
“Good.” Kame stood up and opened the door. “I’m done with her.” he gestured everyone in his band to come in. Once everyone was inside, he talked. “She agreed to carry your child.” With that said, he left the room and missed Jin’s baffled but happy look.
♫♫♫ I wanna know, can you tell me?
I wanna know, will you tell me?
Is it hello, is it goodbye?
I gotta know, won’t you tell me?
I gotta know, you can tell me,
Is it hello, or just goodbye? ♫♫♫
Kame went home, not before saying goodbye to the manager. He reasoned he wasn’t feeling well. He was exhausted from everything and anything right now.
Jin arrived home a little after 30 minutes that Kame got in. He headed straight to where he knows Kame will be in; locked inside the music room. He knocked before trying to open the door and shocked to find out that it wasn’t bolted.
The older man slowly opened the door and found Kame slumped by the grand piano. “Kazu!” he shouted and rushed beside the younger man and found the latter burning up with fever. He immediately carried the smaller man in his arms and swiftly took him to the hospital.
Delirious in his current state, Kame said feverishly, “We should... I should never have gotten together with you... I’ve always had an awful... feeling that this would happen. I just--” With tears welling up in his eyes, he continued. “I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.” He sobbed. “What will I do, Jin? I can’t live without you. I told you I won’t be able to let you go, even if you asked.”
“Shhh. Just, reserve your energy. We’ll talk when you’re better.” Jin shushed the sick man. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you were sick?”
“I was poisoned, poisoned by my love for you.” Kame admitted. “Its what's making me sick. I should have noticed the symptoms before it got too worse.”
♫♫♫ I gotta know, can you tell me?
I gotta know, will you tell me?
Is it hello, is it goodbye?
I gotta know, won’t you tell me?
I gotta know, you can tell me... ♫♫♫
“We should break up.” Kame idly said; staring at the sky through the small window the hospital room had.
“No!” Jin shook his head hysterically. “No. Please, we can work this out.”
“I’m sorry.” Kame turned away from Jin, hoping the other didn’t see a small teardrop falling from his right eye. “I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to keep you away from your dream. You want kids, I can’t give you that.”
“Damn the kids. I don’t need them. I need you more than any kid I can ever have, Kazu-chan!”
“Don’t-- call me that.” He hardened his gaze before turning back to Jin. “You no longer have the right to call me that, Akanishi.”
Jin heaved a sigh and ran his fingers on his rumpled hair. “You’re still unwell. We’ll talk about this when you’re feeling better.” He grabbed his wallet. “I’m getting something from the cafeteria. I’ll be back in a little while.”
Kame didn’t acknowledge Jin so the older man just left without any more words. In his mind, he’ll just let Kame cool down a bit.
What he didn’t know, as soon as he was out of sight, Kame scrambled to get his things and left the hospital...
And went AWOL from work and everyone.
♫♫♫ Is it hello,
Is it goodbye? ♫♫♫
Ten years after, with Kame heavily disguised, he watched the family of eight picnicking on the same park he and Jin walked Pin and Ran on; the very same park where everything started falling apart for him.
He watched as the father scooped two of his daughters into his arms and playfully turned around. The happy squeals they made caused Kame’s heart to twinge painfully. He heard the wife scolding the husband to put their kids down. With a pout, the man placed the girls down on the ground. The four boys saw that their father was no longer occupied with the girls and took that opportunity to drag the older man to the field and play some soccer.
“So this is your answer, Jin.” He said. “I guess... goodbye was your answer.” He said with a bitter smile pasted on his face. With heavy steps, he slowly turned around, not before wishing the man he thought to be his life mate... happiness with his big family.
Finis
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A/N: I hope the fic wasn’t too cheesy and unrealistic in the Akame dynamics. The idea is loosely based on a conversation I had with my two gay friends two years ago. It went along the lines of “What’s the only anxiety you have in same sex relationships and events that you don’t want to go through?” They both answered... something along the lines of this fic. They’re both afraid that someday... their partners will leave them to create a family. They both said... if their man wanted children... they would never be able to compete with a girl who can give their partners babies. I said, “You can always adopt if they really wanted children so bad.” like what Pi said here *laughs*
And um... I sort of... got lost in the middle of the song. It should be Jin leaving Kame and not the other way around *sweat drop* but I think it still works out that way. Or maybe not. I’m not sure *laughs* It could be that it didn’t work out too well for me now that I really think about it because this should have been the prequel to Maybe This Time... the reason why Jin left Kame but like I said, I got lost in the middle of writing the song fic! You judge if it worked or not.
By the way, the song is entitled Vector. Vector is a coupling song in Maaya Sakamoto’s 『Yubiwa』 single. Yubiwa is the Ending Song of Escaflowne the Movie. Tim Jensen wrote the lyrics and Youko Kanno composed the music. If you want to hear a short cover version of the song, listen to this:
Click to viewA really beautiful and heartbreaking song, don’t you think?
Comments please?